HS: MIDDLE SCHOOL MUSICAL 1

[Patty O'Green 0]

[size="6"][font="Arial Black"][color="#FF0000"]~MIDDLE[/color] [color="#00FFFF"]SCHOOL 1[/color] [color="#00FF00"]MUSICAL~[/color][/font][/size]
Directed by Molly Nerdly

[b]STARRING[/b]

[IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/faceal.jpg]
[b]Alix Maria Spezia[/b]

[IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/maya2.jpg]
[b]Maya Duncan Blanchard[/b]

[IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/julianne-hough_NET-dancingwiththest.jpg]
[b]Molly Nerdly[/b]


The Duncan household which has hosted a 24/7 title match, a short action film, and countless other odd events on OAOAST television now sees Alix, clad in a red and black striped polo shirt and black Capri pants, hunting through  a medicine cabinet. She’s overjoyed to find some Chewable vitamin tablets.

ALIX
Hey this one has Fred Flintsone on it! Alix...(singing in Flintone's theme) Alix Spezia she's the modern cyber age pill popping fiend. From the town of LA, she's risking getting booked for a felony. 

Alix adds The Flintstones vitamins to her keep pile and goes back to her search, this time coming up with a gummy vitamin tablet.

ALIX
Holy wow! These are gummies! (singing in Flintone's theme) Gummies...gummies gummies I don't have a clever song for you. From this plastic bottle I hope I don't risk an OD!

Alix’s committing of a federal offense is interrupted by Maya, appearing in her soccer uniform having just got home from practice. 

MAYA
Hey, Alix?

ALIX
Woah! Are you DEA?

MAYA
Couldn't see over the steering wheel in the swat van.

ALIX
FDA?

MAYA
My addiction to those very same gummy vitamins ruined my career and destroyed my family.

ALIX
Daughters of the revolution?

MOLLY
Will we be doing this routine everytime you're caught snooping thorough someone's medicine cabinet and Jodie Foster's underwear drawer?

ALIX
Maybe? I dunno. Yes?

MAYA
Could you just pass me some Tums. I need 'em for an upset stomach.

ALIX
Silly Maya! Your stomach can't get upset. Its a stomach it has no feelings! Watch! Stomach, you're stupid and you suck and your favorite bands and TV shows are indicative of your stupidity and sucking. See? Not upset, not one bitty bit!

MAYA
When you wake up with a monster gut and your belly button looks like a BUTT, you'll know who to blame! I'm kind of depressed right now, Alix.

Concerned, Alix slams the medicine cabinet shut and quickly walks towards Maya.

ALIX
What's wrong, honey bunches of oats?

MAYA
Its this stupid class election. The polls say I'm ahead, and all my friends told me not to worry. I've got the jocks, the skaters, the nerds, and the preps backing me. But, I'm still worried. I wanna be class president so I can make a difference in my school's community...and I wanna impress Austin Bradley.

ALIX
Gah! You're doing it to impress a boy? A miniaturized version of the oppressor? Crud, crud, crud! If your mom finds out that I found out, you're gonna enjoy the super cool sight of watching one grown woman attempt to flush another down a toilet. 

MAYA
I'm only doing some of it to impress Austin. But, you just haven't seen him yet! He looks just like Chuck from Gossip Girl. He's really cool to. He's such a rebel. In 5th grade he once at thirty eggs in one sitting! 

ALIX
So what? My dad once ate sixty chickens in one sitting. And they were alive!

Maya gazes up to the heavens, as if Austin was to take the form of an angel and whisk her away to Limited Too.

MAYA
And when Austin smiles...Alix, you just don't know!

ALIX
Not hearing this! Not hearing this! Lolly lolly la-la-la-la-la-la, not hearing this! Maya, you don't need a man in your life to feel a good about yourself. A rich, beautiful blond chick is more than good enough. Anypoochie, you know you're gonna win. You're the most popular chick in the whole school. Your Mom's on TV, you sister's on TV, sometimes you're on TV, and ya know what being on TV means? It means you're better than normal people.

MOLLY
I don't claim to be the expert of 8th grade politics that Alix is, but I highly doubt you of all people have anything to worry about.

MAYA
Maybe not. But these dumb political attack ads are driving me crazy. Who's ever heard of running a political attack ad for an 8th grade election? I've never even met this Theodore Moneymaker guy, and he's talking all this junk about me like we're worst enemies. And JC, who takes ten minutes to form a compete sentence, is throwing around words like calling me a socialist. He doesn't even know what a socialist is. I guarantee because he looked off my paper on our social studies quiz that asked "What's a socialist"

ALIX
Maya, I know its tough. But hang in there. It'll be all over Tuesday, and we can celebrate with ice cream and maxing out your mom's credit cards.

MAYA
I just get the feeling its gonna get worse. And, maybe this guy is right. Maybe, I'm not qualified. Maybe I am stupid.

ALIX
Whatever! You're my favorite person in the world! It used to be Patrick from Sponge Bob, but then I found out he's a cartoon! And a starfish! And a libertarian! Talk about throwing the vote away. Why dontcha vote for a chimpanzee! Man, that'd make a great movie. Mister Chimp goes to Washington. (singing in Flintone's theme) Mister...Mister Chimp you're about to go to Washington, from the monkey cages I hope you won't throw your poop at me.

MAYA
Yeah that's great, but can we talk about some important things. I.e. me!

ALIX
Awwww Maya-Pieya, don't worry like that, ya know. Cause guess what, girlie girl, one day you're gonna be this really rich and successful whatever it is ya wanna be when ya grow up and you'll be livin in some killer penthouse in New York with gargoyles on the roof, real gargoyles so they can douse your foes in flames before they bribe the doorman to let em in, and all these dudes at school will be on the streets homless, and you'll pass by and you'll say "Hey, dude from school, you look like you're doing great." "Uh, no, I'm homless." "Oh yeah!" And then you can say "Hey your pillow looks like some magazines I tossed out." "Its probably is, I rummage through the dumpsters around here."

MAYA
That would be kind of cool. But I don't wanna wait six to ten more years for the chance that maybe they'll be on the street corner near my regular coffee shop. I can't wait, honestly. The election is in a few weeks, and I'm really worried I might lose! I don't wanna disappoint mom. When she was in kindergarden she drafted a constitutional amendment to make Candyland the fifty first state.

ALIX
Darn that Gloppy the Molasses Monster for selling her out for special interest groups.

MAYA
I want this election more than anything, and I don't want Theodore whoever ruining it and then making me look stupid. That stuff he says really hurts my feelings. But, I wish there was something I could do to get my message out better.

ALIX
Oh wow! Do you feel that little tingle on your left shoulder.

MAYA
No, not really.

ALIX
Awesome you don't have skin cancer! But guess who does have cancer? The JC Pennington campaign, and guess who's the...I don't really know where this going, but wow do I have a really really awesome idea! Follow me! 

Alix whisks Maya out the bathroom, and we cut directly to the enormous circular front driveway where a rusted, disgusting Geo Metro sits in total contrast to the luxury home and well-manicured lawn. Making it even more of an eyesore is a gigantic megaphone on the roof, and giant S painted on the hood for Swag. Alix beams proudly at what most would consider to be an abomination against the automobile industry. Maya tries to feign appreciation, but understandably fails in such an action.

MAYA
Wow when did the chariot of the damned get in the driveway and how many zombies did they fit in it?

ALIX
It’s a Geo Metro, hey-yo! Yeah, traded the Jag for it.

MOLLY
My word! You couldn’t have!

ALIX
Couldn’t I…have? I so fleeced this dude. This car has no speedometer, so ya know what that means? Can’t ever go over the speed limit! Just another awesome idea from the same girl that brought you closing your eyes while your driving to avoid ever having to stop at traffic lights.

MOLLY
Alix, I haven’t a clue as what to say. But I imagine if I did it would be some combination of the words you’re, an, and idiot.

Alix playfully pretends to swat Molly up the head for her comment.

ALIX
Lay off, Mol! You act like I gave black people the right to vote!

MAYA
Is Mom cool with this?

ALIX
Ugh, Maya! If my ancestor’s had waited for your mom’s permission before they killed sixteen border agents and snuck into this country I wouldn’t be here sharing this beautiful moment with you.

MAYA
You’re so right. I’m sorry. Why do I doubt you?

ALIX
Oh my god, awesome idea part gazillion! You wanna drive?

MAYA
Does Jade sleep with a lifesize Bohemoth cardboard standup and shower with it only to continually and hilariously be shocked at it crumbling beneath a steady blast of water, and then run into my room and scream “Maya, look! My world is over!”?

ALIX
She sure does! Uno momento, how old are you?

MAYA
Twenty nine.

ALIX
Hop on in, Speed Racer!

Before Alix can realize the newest crime she’s about to commit, Maya tries to jimmy open the door. After a quick struggle she manages to do just that, and unfortunately quite a bit more as she yanks the door totally off. This, however, is the least of the worries in Molly’s mind.

MOLLY
When the art student is the most clear thinking and responsible adult, we’re bound to have a myriad of problems, least of all that she’s only 13!

ALIX (to Maya)
Hop on out, Speed Fibber! Quick Liar! Fast truth exaggerator! 

MAYA (to Molly as she gets out the car)
Thanks a lot, BUTT breath.

MOLLY
How rude!

ALIX
No kidding, that wasn’t very presidential like.

MAYA
Sorry.  Thank you, booger breath. 

ALIX
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the newest leader of the ninth grade model UN!

MAYA
Those guys are losers!

MOLLY
Terribly inaccurate! I was ambassador to Papa New Guinea in model UN, and I do not consider myself a loser of any sort.

MAYA
Well you still have BUTT breath. BUTT breath. 

While Molly and Maya trade catty looks over the loser status of the Model UN, everybody files into what’s barely above covered wagon on the desirable transportation modes ranking. Maya grabs shotgun, leaving Molly and the Siclopse to squeeze into a back seat that’s stained from smoke, dust, and various liquid spills.

MAYA
So, what’s the plan?

ALIX
Look lemme tell ya something about teenagers, because Ally used to be one, and sometimes I dress like one to get older men to hit on me and boost my self-esteem. Teenagers love to set homeless dudes on fire. Teenagers also love combining vocal or instrumental sounds (or both) to produce beauty of form, harmony, and expression of emotion. AKA Music, baaaaaaaby! Rock n roll, motha truckaaaaaaaaa! Yeah! Sooooo, Ally Cat with the help of  Hayley Williams of Paramore…

[img=http://www.short-hair-style.com/images/hayley-williams-hairstyle-23997.jpg]
Miss Williams is chilling in the disaster area known as the backseat.

HAYLEY
Hi, Maya!

MAYA
What’s up? 

ALIX (CONT.)
Has totally created the official Maya Duncan-Blanchard 08 theme song! 

In the backseat, Molly groans.

MAYA
Who’s the dude?

ALIX
What the donkey? What dude?

MAYA
The dude tied up and gagged.

[img=http://www.learnamericanenglishonline.com/images/man%20tied%20up%200021.jpg]

ALIX
Ohhhhh that dude. That's just Terry Taylor.

MAYA
Hi, Uncle Terry! Why are you bound and gagged?

ALIX
My dad ordered hit from jail, or whatever, on a dude named Jesus Ramierz. And so like I didn't get him any thing for daddy's day, so this is my way of saying sworry, papa! But, like I couldn't find Jesus, so I just used Terry. You don't mind if we look for a secluded alley to dump him in?

MAYA
I don't care as long you get me back in time for the "Say Yes To The Dress" rerun.

ALIX
Hayley?

HAYLEY
Sounds like fun!

MOLLY
May I at least go on record as being the only one to state to how monumentally stupid this idea just may be?

ALIX
Molly, I’m gonna take you to a very special place called the ledge. The Know Ledge. Denying a young Jewish girl’s dreams is a lot like denying the holocaust ever happened, and then making a movie about a Scottish warrior leading his brave overmatched army against the oppressive English, monarchy. This town already has one Mel Gibson, we don’t need another!

MOLLY
Maya, you must think what your mother would say!

ALIX
I know what my mommy would say “Alix, why are you over thirty, childless, and still single?” 

HAYLEY
Is that my cue? That’s my cue isn’t it?

Hayley reaches over Molly and presses play on the tape deck. That sends the beat to this classic American hit booming out the megaphone!

[video] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4uxIo4t7xM[/video]

The Geo Metro and its air polluting, safety inspection failing ways, lumbers out the driveway and into the million dollar streets of Beverly Hills.  From its exhaust  comes a wealth of blue smoke that certainly can’t be healthy for global warming. Through a microphone that seems to have been jacked from a police cruiser, Alix sings to the neighborhood.

ALIX (singing)
Maya! If  the 4th graders keep peeing in the swimming pool, who ya gonna vote for? Maya! If they leave something weird and its stinky and brown who ya gonna vote for? Maya! If you think there’s a kid bringing weed to school Who can you call? Alix!

With the vocals on hold, Alix can bust out her Dancing With the Stars worthy moves, throwing herself fully into the running man. Problematically, this requires her to take both hands off the wheel and causes her feet to bounce on the acceleration, which would lead them to crash into passing traffic if Hayley wasn’t reaching over and taking hold of the wheel. 

Maya’s is just about ready to sink down into already incredibly low half broken seat out of embarrassment with Alix’s soulful wailings, until she notices Austin Bradley and several of his friends skateboarding down the street. Sinking low, simply won’t be enough to prevent the hell she’ll feel if she’s seen, thus she goes as far as to try and stuff herself beneath the glove compartment. But, Alix reaches a stop sign, and being the good driver that she is comes to a complete stop. This gives Austin and his crew just enough time to catch up to the car.

AUSTIN
Hey, Maya! I thought that might be you. What’s up, I thought you guys drove a Jag?

MAYA
Uh, well, you know what they say. A Geo Metro comes straight off the assembly line of Heaven.

AUSTIN
That’s real high level. I gotta get there sometime. I love your song by the way.  Very creative you got killer songwriting skills.

Smiling sheepishly, Maya nods thank you as she notices Austin’s friends eagerly offering their agreement and thumbs up.

AUSTIN
We’re all voting for you. Dallas over here he says’s he gonna hack into JC’s phone and every time he tries to make a call he’s gonna hear this song. 

DALLAS
Its awesome, Miss Spezia.

ALIX
Don’t call me Miss Spezia it reminds me of my mother, and she’s a disgusting whore.

KIDS
:o

ALIX
Vote for Maya!

Alix speeds away with Maya too wrapped up in making wedding plans for her ever to even get embarrassed by Alix’s commentary on her mother as well her return to parodying songs of the 80’s. Beck beats a drum beat out on the window as Alix ratchets up the octaves even higher. From the posh million dollar homes, people empty out wondering what this musical racket is all about. Amazingly they aren’t totally horrified by the song, rather they seem a bit entertained by the oddball shenanigans! 

ALIX (singing)
I ain't voting for no republican! I ain't voting for no republican! If you seein roaches  humping the cafeteria bread, who can you vote for? Maya! If there’s mean stuff on your Myspace that’s getting said oh who ya gonna vote for? Maya! I ain't voting for no republican! I ain't voting for no republican! Who ya gonna vote for? Maya! If you wanna partay on Jerry Buss’ boat...just vote for Maya!

HAYLEY
I ain't voting for no republican!

ALIX
I hear they don’t watch Idol! 

HAYLEY
I ain't voting for no republican!

MAYA
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

ALIX
Who you gonna vote for? Maya! Mm…if you wanna dose of the coolest chick on the west coast, baby You better vote! Maya!

HAYLEY
Voting makes me feel good!

ALIX
I ain't voting for no republican!

Another stop sign brings a halt to the clunking movement of the Geo Metro, but not to Alix’s loud passionate gospel.  What does call an end to her singing is when the car is accosted by a bum who with his dirty and savage apperance looks something akin to grizzly Adams. He pounds on the roof in manic crazed fit, almost like Godzilla attempting to bowl over a building in Tokyo. This outrageous individual suitably disturbs the rest of the car, but Alix ignores the smell of dumpsters and crack pipes to lean in for a closer inspection. Suddenly her eyes brighten at the thought that maybe she knows this creature of the streets.

ALIX
Oh my god! Johnny Jax! Whoa! Friggin awesome! Dude, wow, its like so good to see you!

JOHNNY
Alix, please, can you spare any change for an old friend?

ALIX
Eww, no.

JOHNNY
Please. I have aids.

ALIX
I have mega aids.

Mega aids>regular aids, and Alix zooms away down the street, leaving the transient with hands in tears. Her catchy song and unusual vehicle have earned her quite the audience as children and teenagers now follow her as though the Geo Metro were a mechanical pied piper. Together they dance in joy and song, delighting in the whimsical music.

ALIX (singing)
Don't get caught voting for Pennington…oh no! When it comes time to vote unless you wanna get kicked in the throat I think you better vote Maya! Ooh... who you gonna vote for? Maya! Who you gonna for? Maya! Ah, I think you better vote for Maya! Everyone out the car! Its time to drop it like its hot!

Without any concern to Terry Taylor gagged inside the car, the troupe decides to join their revelers for an impromptu parade next to the slow moving vehicle. Leading the celebrating audience they perform [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvkKX035484#t=3m26s"]this classic dance[/url]

ALIX
I can't hear you…

CROWD
Maya!

ALIX
Who you gonna vote for? 

CROWD
Maya!

HAYLEY
Louder! 

CROWD
Maya!

HAYLEY
Who you gonna  vote for? 

CROWD
Maya!

ALIX
Who ya gonna vote for? 

[color="#808080"][b][size="4"]CRAAAAAASH![/size][/b][/color]

No, crash bandicoot is not a candidate in the election; crash is precisely what the once smooth sailing operator-less car does upon reaching a rather sharp curve. The Siclopse shows the only saving grace of the destruction of the Metro, that it collided with a palm tree and not an actual car or person. The gathered crowd is of course in dismay over an abrupt and violent ending to the wonderful sing a long, and Alix looks on in bemused shock.

AUSTIN
Aw man, Maya your car! Are you okay?

MAYA
Marry me.

ALIX
Who woulda thought that would happen?

MOLLY
Yes. Who would’ve thought that could that happen in a city with an elevation of 330 feet. Who would’ve tought that would happen on a stretch of road known as dead man’s curve. Who indeed.

ALIX
BUTT breath.

[size="6"][font="Arial Black"][color="#FF0000"]~MIDDLE[/color] [color="#00FFFF"]SCHOOL 1[/color] [color="#00FF00"]MUSICAL~[/color][/font][/size]
[b]
Alix Maria Spezia...as herself
Molly Nerdly...as her herself
Maya Duncan-Blanchard...as herself
Hayley Williams...as her herself
Terry Taylor...recovering in hospital[/b]

Edited November 1, 2008 by Patty O'Green