Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted January 4, 2009 COLE Folks, we're having a blast here in Detroit and things are about to get even wilder, because I have COD standing by! We cut bakstage to the COD dressing room where Krista Isadora Duncan, wearing a white bath robe, stands with regularly dressed Alix, clad in a white polo shirt and heavily destroyed jeans. The two seem to be engaged in an argument. KRISTA I am telling you this with all absolute honesty. Steve Nash would kill you in seconds. ALIX But, like, I don't mean attack him just like all up front and stuff. I mean, like you know, get a group of dudes, some lazer rifles, and some flying barracudas, and just let em do what they will. No more playoff games for that rat faced Canadian dork! KRISTA I think you'd be slapped by a zooolgst for violating the laws of the animal kingdom. Flying barracudas? Anyway what do you care about Nash, I thought you were a clippers fan? ALIX I have love for my brothers in purple and gold. KRISTA Jumping on the bandwagon are we? ALIX Noooooooo. Its more like I'm paying a friendly visit. Like if Jay does a song with Lil Wayne, doesn't mean he's not part of the Roc anymore. KRISTA Uh-huh. Sorry bandwagon full. But, hey, the colours look real nice next to your Los Angeles Angels of Anhaiem of California of Orange County of Southern California of Costal California jersey. ALIX Shut up! COLE Um...girls. ALIX Ahhhhh! Who said that? God? God! God, is speaking to us! COLE Well, thank you. But its actually me, Michael Cole. Krista last week on HeldDOWN, The Deadly Alliance invaded your family baseball game and left you with a mild concussion. We want to know, how is your head? ALIX How do you think it is, you communist monster? You Islamic terrorist! You savage raper of god's earth! You degenerate white devil! HOW DO YOU THINK IT IS, SON OF SATAN! I dunno, Krista, how is your head? KRISTA The doctor said I have a mild concussion, which I guess is different from a regular concussion in that the headaches aren't horrific and soul shattering. Just plain soul shattering. Lucky Krista! Also the painkillers they gave me, have less value on the black market. Um I see two of everything, but that may be because I've been injecting Martini's into my blood. My vision is blurred sometimes. My jaw feels like its being beaten with a dumbell and my judgement is completely out of wack. Today...I actually wore a bra. ALIX I noticed your nipples weren't as erect as they usually are. COLE The Deadly Alliance were neither suspended nor fined for their attack on you, even though it took place outside the OAOAST confines. Does it upset you that Josie Baker did not levy a punishment on Mister Dick and his crew? KRISTA That's a fantastic question from a fantastic man. ALIX Fantastic man? Wow, you're really not feeling good! Usually ya just call him "Hey Assface" or if you're feeling extra cranky you just throw a brick at him. KRISTA The answer is why would I harbor any sort of malice or ill will to the greatest female leader this side of Caroline Kennedy? The very fact that Deadly Alliance and Mister Dick haven't been suspended for insulting my thirteen year old daughter, sexually threatening my eighteen year old, flying cross country to bean me with a baseball, flying to Detroit to attack one of my biggest fans, tying me up, molesting me, promising to target and hurt every single person I hold dear, the fact that no one has even got a "Ya know that just ain't very Christian of ya, Mister Dick" takes me to a happy place. A happy place where love fills the air, hope springs eternal, and republicans are hunted and brutally devoured by a gigantic dragon that looks Jesus Christ. Honey, this my come as a shock to you, but I actually requested to Josie that she conduct of all her appearances inside the San Diego Chicken suit. Its unique, its fun, its a giant chicken. When that didn't take, I managed to connivence her not to fine Mister Dick or the Deadly Alliance. You might be saying to yourself why would she do that? I would reply you shouldn't say things to yourself, honey, talking to yourself is a sign of paranoid schizophrenia. I would then say because by giving Mister Dick and Malaysia carte blanche to do whatever they want to me, I've got carte blanche to do whatever I want to the both of them. And what I want to do is call in an Israeli air strike and bomb them both off the face of this terrestrial planet Hamas style. COLE You'll get your chance tonight when you face Malaysia in the first ever dildo on a pole match. ALIX I think the key to winning this match, is to use that teleportation device Melody and I have been working on to teleport yourself to the dildo! KRISTA Its not a teleporter. Its a Lucky Charms box with the word charms crossed out and teleportation written in crayon and spelled with a p. Peleporation. ALIX I don't see you coming up with any genius ideas, miss thang. KRISTA Oh no? I think I do have idea. Not sure if its genius or not. ALIX Lay it on me, sister of soul and funk, and I will be judge, jury and executioner of its geniuses. KRISTA My idea is for you to shut up. ALIX My idea is that you're a retard. KRISTA That's not an idea that's an observation. ALIX Says the retard. KRISTA I don't know how to continue this argument. ALIX You shouldn't because you're a retard. KRISTA Oh, good one. ALIX I thought so. That's why I said it. COLE Um...Mister Dick has made a challenge to you at the grandest stage of them all.. KRISTA No way! They're putting Soul Train back on the air? You best not be messin wit' a bitch, fool! COLE No. Not Soul Train. Anglemania! KRISTA Oh. Leon Rodez is a poor substitue for Don Cornelius. Oh, honey, what am I saying? Believing he'll still be champion by then is like believing gay men and black women from lower income areas AREN'T the only ones who can get aids. Absurd! Yes, now back to Mister Dick. Honey, its hard to fit in Anglemania on the Blackberry between lunch with Angelina, dinner with J-Lo, sweaty monkey sex with Alix, so be a darling and remind me when it is. COLE Anglemania comes to you live from Indianapolis on April the 5th. KRISTA April the 5th. Not the 4th. Not the 6th. But the 5th. Gee shucks, Bubba! I was supposed to perform the ceremony for Terry's marriage to a naked mole rate. TERRY (O.S) I won't marry him! ALIX He comes from good stock, and we need the dowry to keep the land! You wanna see this family go under? Do ya? Do ya? KRISTA Honey, forget the naked mole rat. Let it crawl back up Christian Wright's ass, I gots me some fightin to do! I happily accept Mister Dick's invitation. I happy accept the opportunity to castrate him. I happily accept the opportunity to undo said castration, only to re do it, and I happily accept the opportunity to leave him in a pool of his blood, urine, feces and if I can find just the right sledgehammer, brain fluid. Basically I accept the right to make April 5th the most terrible, rotten, no good, very bad day of Mister Dick's pointless existence. ALIX Do you accept the right to do an Irish jig? KRISTA But of course! ALIX Yo, non fiction dialogue, home skillet! Word to mother, MD's foul way just bought him some of dat gun play! :9mm: BLAT BLAT BLAT ALL UP IN THE SAN ANTONIO UNIFIED SCHOOL DISTRICT! KRISTA What is that? ALIX It could either be the declaration of independence or it could be a gun. KRISTA Why do you have a gun? ALIX Uh hello, this is planet earth, calling for Krista. Unlike some people I'm not gonna get raped, shot or murdered when I'm drinking 40s on Skid Row. KRISTA Why would you ever go to Skid Row? ALIX Um, we're feeling pretty retarded today, aren't we? I'd go there to rape, shoot, or murder. How am I gonna do that without a piece? COLE That actually does make sense, Krista. KRISTA You wanna brick thrown at your head? COLE No ma'am! I'm sorry. Thank you for joining us and good luck tonight against Malaysia. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
