Rawknight 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2009 “OK we've got a special treat for you tonight,” starts DJ Roy the Boy over the Salutation Inn PA, “As The Sal welcomes the superstars of the SWF. So let's get things started. Can we have Taiga Star on stage please...” Walking into the bar up the back fire escape, past a gaggle of smoking metalheads and into the main upstairs area of the pub is Taiga. The Cold Front Classic finalist steps onto the stage and as the familiar Angus Young guitar marks the beginning of Luke Breslin's intro, Taiga begins to sing... I WAS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A RAILROAD TRAAAAAAACK! (THUNDER!) UNDERGROUND AND I KNEW THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK! (THUNDER!) Taiga's warbling is very near the tone of the song. Her stage presence is of course massive, the audience captivated by this short, feisty hardcore wrestler. SOUND OF THE DRUMS BEATIN' IN MY HEART THE THUNDER OF DRUMS TORE ME APART YOU'VE BEEN.... THUNDERSTRUCK! And on that Luke Breslin storms in through the back door. Breslin pushes a passel of goths out of his way as he makes his way to the centre of the dancefloor and stands there, waiting for his opponent. The wait is longer than usual as Taiga HAS to finish her musical masterpiece. YEAH IT'S ALRIGHT! WE'RE DOING FINE! THUNDERSTRUCK! “Come on, let's hear it for Taiga!” implores Roy as he queues up another song. The crowd noise is somewhat apathetic... so Taiga grabs a chair as she exits the stage and makes her way to the women's bathroom, swinging the chair wildly and causing a mob of emo looking kids to scatter for their miserable little lives! Roy consults his notes and announces into the microphone, “Is anyone going to sing the music for Va... Vi... Va.... Oh I can't say his damn name!” Suddenly from the other stairs The Maori Badass STORMS into the room, takes one look at the DJ and FLATTENS HIM WITH AN EVIL NASTY VICIOUS DJ KILLING LAAAAAAAAARIAAAAAAAAAAAATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The scary looking bouncers from downstairs enter the scene to carry the DJ off and Va'aiga and Luke square off in the middle of the dancefloor waiting to begin the match. Reserve DJ Nikki hauls his Motley Crue looking ass from behind and sounds a Rock pub's equivalent of a bell... For Whom The Bell Tolls by Metallica! At the sound of his music Micheal Alexander appears from a crowd near the bar and takes the stage, grabbing the mic and singing over the track... note perfect, without needing the words. Va'aiga and Breslin exchange a handshake as the crowd attention is split between the fight and The Mad Scientist Of The Microphone. The Bres' and The Maori square off and drop back into fighting stances. As Kirk Hammett's guitar licks get the more metal members of the crowd nodding their heads and playing air guitar, Luke Breslin opens the match with a European Uppercut. From a table safely away from the action, the commentary team sit and contemplate the match ahead. “Do you have any idea what's going to happen here tonight, King?” “I'll have a better idea when our drinks arrive, Francis!” Taking a deep breath, The Maori stares at Breslin before firing back wit a straight right of his own. Breslin goes in for a lock up which the Maori takes, and Breslin is powered backwards and down. Breslin slips free and slides round behind the Maori, taking a side headlock. Breslin works the headlock with some skill, but the Maori counters by shoving him roughly off. FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLLLLLS! TIME MARCHES ON! “This is getting strange, King.” “I'm enjoying it, Francis. Now will someone grab me another Jack Daniels?” This time it's The Maori who goes for a lockup, but Breslin's skill allows him to quickly transition to an Irish Whip and The Maori is sent careering across the pub floor, leaving rockers diving for cover in his wake. Va'aiga grabs out for a foreign object and finds a bottle which on his return to the fighting area he swings wildly towards Breslin, who wisely ducks. Breslin grabs the arm of The Maori and applies a wristlock, forcing him to drop the bottle. Breslin kicks the bottle away and wrings Va'aiga's arm. “Luke is a hell of a technicianwhen he wants to be, but is the right environment?” “There's always time for technique, Francis,” replies King, downing another shot of sourmash. Shaking Luke Breslin loose, Va'aiga frees himself and rains down a series of short elbow strikes forcing Breslin to back off. With a two step run up, Va'aiga drives a knee hard into Breslin's sternum, doubling The Bres' up in pain. Va'aiga grabs a side headlock and looks to spike Breslin with a DDT. Breslin wriggles free however, not particularly looking to be smashed head first into the hard wooden floor. Meanwhile the crashing finale of For Whom The Bell Tolls ends and DJ Nikki calls out “TKO? Do we have TKO?” Making a charge, Va'aiga drives a shoulder into Luke Breslin's gut but Breslin turns to the side as the blow lands, lessening the impact. TKO take the stage and KOJI begins to sing in his strangulated accent. YOU SHOW US EVRYTHEE YOUGOTAH! YOU KEEPAH DANCY AN THE ROOOOO GESHOTAH! YOU DRIVE US WHY WE DRIVE YOU CRAZEEE! Using the Maori's momentum against him, Breslin takes Va'aiga down to floor level by picking a leg. Va'aiga's face shows no emotion as Luke works the leg with a hefty wrench. Va'aiga kicks out with his free leg and forces himself free before taking a standing position again. Breslin nods and smiles as Va'aiga stands, showing a little respect for The Maori's power. On stage TORU joins in for the chorus... IIIII WANNA ROCKAN ROLLAAA NIIIIIIII ANPARTY EVERYDAY! “Luke Breslin is one of the SWF's most talented wrestlers, King.” “Which is more than you can say for TKO's singing. JD and a Labatts for my coworker, barkeep!” A cute barmaid serves our famous commentary team with some more alcohol. Va'aiga and Luke square off again. The Maori swings a little wildly with a left hook and Breslin stylishly ducks. Stumbling forward under his own momentum Va'aiga is set up nicely for Luke to go low and smash his shoulder into the back of The Maori's knee. With Va'aiga knelt down on his other knee, Breslin follows up with a pair of rapid kicks to the spine. Va'aiga collapses backwards and The Bres' hammers home his advantage with a big knee drop. Breslin covers and referee Anthony Michael Hall counts... ONE! TWO! And Va'aiga kicks out “That was very close, King!” “Breslin looking to snatch victory there,” King pauses to take another shot, “Nnnk nnnk nnnk aaaaaaaaaaaaah. Yeah Breslin, victory. He's always looking for it. Another JD barperson!” Standing slowly, Va'aiga looks for something to gain an advantage with. Breslin has backed off, looking to strike with one of his high momentum moves but as young Luke charges in, Va'aiga swings a bar stool at him and Breslin reels away. Va'aiga closes in and hammers down across Breslin's back with the stool. Va'aiga covers... ONE! TWO! And Breslin kicks out. “It's too early for victory, King.” “But it's not too early to PARTY! Another JD, barwench!” “Can MANSON come to the stage please?” Va'aiga hauls Breslin up to his feet and, grabbing an arm, whips The Bres' into a more crowded area of the pub. Breslin crashes through a group of goths who stand there looking miserable. But then that's what goths do, right? Va'aiga powers over towards him as on stage MANSON puts the microphone to his lips and..... THE SHEER POWER OF MANSONOKE CAUSES A TEAR IN THE FABRIC OF REALITY! MANSON's voice, given the right level of amplification projects such a deep and profound level of awesome that the pathetic, wretched universe cannot cope. Ash Ketchum floats by, trapped for years inside another dimension due to a backfiring pokeball. Bizzaro Blazenwing enters the fray and is nice, polite and has a goatee. By the imploding cow Thoth, Dancing Thoth and Orochi are having their own private three way dance, largely involving Street Fighter MAD SKILLZ. In Russia FAO Schwartz blows up Chris Wilson. Meanwhile, 20 minutes away from the pub and overlooking the Trent FM Arena, a long haired, pudgy gentleman has an internal conversation. “Fuck, Will. You've got to get to Beeston. Finish up and get on that bus.” “OK. How?” “I dunno, it's all gone a bit Pete Tong already. How about just have King wake up hungover and post it?” “Sounds good to me.” The following morning in his hotel room, Suicide King wakes up and dials room service. “Damn.... I need coffee. Stat.” King slams the phone down. “Aaaagh. Last Night. What happened? What Happened?” Suddenly brief memories come flooding back into King's brain, and we fade out to a long shout of “WWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?” Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Retard Girl 0 Report post Posted January 9, 2009 both versions of the pub match were awesome. the mousetrap match was funny. Tod, great match. thank you for not burying me! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Toxxic 0 Report post Posted January 9, 2009 In Russia FAO Schwartz blows up Chris Wilson. Best bit of the match. Plus, who ACTUALLY needs to get to Beeston? If you go there you either become a white person over 40 or a chinese person under 30. No other form of humanity exists there. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rawknight 0 Report post Posted January 10, 2009 In Russia FAO Schwartz blows up Chris Wilson. Best bit of the match. Plus, who ACTUALLY needs to get to Beeston? If you go there you either become a white person over 40 or a chinese person under 30. No other form of humanity exists there. My friend with the stoner parents lives there. And I can't explain why Nottingham's Chinatown isn't actually in Nottingham. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mad Scientist 0 Report post Posted January 10, 2009 MANSONOKE. That is awesome. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
