Abbey Party Convention

[Guest AP Newswire]

The Associated Press welcomes you to its LIVE coverage of the Abbey Party Convention, which is almost overshadowed by the recent events surrounding Assistant Proconsul Kinetic, as well as the invasion of Australia rumored to have started some four hours ago. All communication from the island nation was cut off around 4:30 EST this afternoon, and large armadas of State vessels were sighted off the coast of the continent heading toward their west coast yesterday, but the State has said that these are simply routine missions to get new naval and army recruits used to the military life.

 

Tonight will be interesting, with speeches by most of the active Cabinet, the Assistant Proconsul making his first public appearance since last night's events, and the Maximum Proconsul is expected to remark on the Australian rumours.

 

The majority of the 80,000+ people at FedEx people are already being whipped into a frenzy by patriotic music and messages of nationalism appearing on the big screens, and the media of the world is here to cover what is truly a momentous night for the State of America and will be the symbolic establishment of this New Order that replaced the former United States of America.

 

Opening ceremonies are expected to begin at 9:00 PM.

[Guest AP Newswire]

OPENING CEREMONY:

 

The stadium goes dark, and a massive screen comes up from under the field to stand roughly 100 feet over the stage behind which it sits. A soft violin plays tensely as a news reporter appears onscreen. NOVEMBER 5TH, 2008 appears along the bottom of the image.

 

Reporter: Well, it's official. Kotzenjunge, the Democratic Party candidate, has been elected your 44th President of the United States, having completed his sweep of every single state in the nation.

 

A picture of Kotzenjunge appears with 2008 PRESIDENTAL ELECTION WINNER below him as the reporter continues talking.

 

Reporter: Kotzenjunge ends eight years of a Republican-controlled White House thanks to a campaign that managed to appeal to every sector of society...

 

His voice fades out, and "The Beautiful People" starts playing. Another newsflash, this one saying JANUARY 20TH, 2009, with pictures of government officials onscreen.

 

Reporter: The Vice President, Cabinet, and Congress have all disappeared, shortly after President Kotzenjunge's inaugural ball. America's prayers are with them and we hope they are safe.

 

At this point, the song hits the first hard drum hits, and scenes of American flags being covered by flags of the Abbey Party are seen in quick succession. Kotzenjunge is making a speech to thousands on the Mall in Washington with the date JANUARY 25TH, 2009 underneath.

 

Kotzenjunge: The United States of America are dead. The Republican Party is dead. The Democratic Party is dead. All that remains is the State of America and the Abbey Party.

 

Manson yells the chorus as scenes of Republican offices being smashed and Canada and Mexico being conquered are shown. Various Cabinet members are seen shaking hands with Kotzenjunge at their initiation ceremonies. Armies march in step. Tanks fire. Missiles go off. An artillery shell blows up a map of South America. Finally, a computer-generated shot of a missile flying around the planet shows the missile head dead-on into the middle of Australia. The shot cuts off right before impact, and the screen turns to static. The Abbey Party logo struggles through the static, before finally breaking through the static like glass. The words THE STATE OF AMERICA appear below it, and the Imperial March plays.

 

The crowd goes wild.

 

James Earl Jones's voice is heard in the stadium as he announces the first speaker, Baron of Entertainment Jingus.

 

We will have his speech in its entirety when he finishes speaking.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Jingus steps from behind the big screen, which is showing his name in large letters along with BARON OF ENTERTAINMENT over the Party logo. When he reaches the podium and the pop dies down, the screen goes back to the logo.

 

::The following address is shown in letterbox format.::

 

"ello, my fellow State of America officials, and all my subjects. I am Jingus, Baron of Entertainment, and I control all film, television, theater, books, video games, and professional wrestling within the State.

 

My plans will not affect the world at large as much as some other Cabinet members, but they might have the greatest effect of all upon all of you, our loyal media-munching citizens. I don't have any grand vision for media in the next century, since it is so dependent upon the individual talents and skills of the artists who create it. Therefore, I have just a few things to say:

 

My first plan: free digital satellite cable is to be installed in every home in the nation. The cable companies themselves can handle the costs, they've been screwing the rest of us over for years. All premium channels are to be free as well.

 

Second: public access channels will be established in every city across the nation, complete with television and recording studios which will be free for the public to use. As long as it's within spitting distance of good taste, any citizen can air any program they want. Truly excellent shows will be promoted to a Worldwide Access Channel.

 

Third: the MPAA ceases to have power, right now. I and I alone will now bestow the ratings of G, PG, PG-13, R, and NC-17 upon movies however I see fit. (Yes, this means that I do see EVERY movie before it is released to the general public.)

 

Fourth: movie studios will now have budget and salary caps for their productions. Nobody needs a bunch of film school grads running errands and getting coffee for people too lazy to do it for themselves. Instead, those interns will be given some reasonable funding to make their own independent films.

 

Fifth: Waldenbooks, Books-A-Million, and other crappy chains with poor selection will be replaced by finer chains like Borders and Barnes & Nobles.

 

Sixth: Blockbuster's various boneheaded policies, such as selling or destroying half their old tape libraries and requiring customers to rewind their DVDs, are hereby null and void.

 

Seventh: Rob Feinstein is hereby ordered to remove ALL copywritten material from his website catelog, and to provide conclusive proof that he has never sold pornography to minors.

 

Eight: Jeff Lynch is to become the official wrestling tape dealer for the State.

 

Ninth: any wrestling federation that wants it will receive one hour of free TV time per week, along with a loaner of a cameraman and an editor.

 

Tenth: All commercial breaks on television will now conform to an exact two minute length of time.

 

Eleventh: bare-bones DVDs will cease to exist. All DVDs will now include copious extras, and be available in both letterbox and fullscreen versions.

 

Twelfth: every movie director and star are now required to produce a commentary track for the DVDs of their movies.

 

Thirteenth: the electronics industry are to immedietly start work on producing a reliable, unscratchable, re-writable DVDR.

 

Fourteenth: off-broadway and community theater is to be given full support of the State, which includes government funding and free advertising.

 

Fifteenth: any writer who wants to can produce one book, and only one, and it will be printed and published free of charge. After that, they're on their own.

 

Sixteenth: censorship on the internet is completely banned, except for really extreme cases like kiddie porn and snuff films. All sites will be made available to the public. If parents don't like it, then they should try PARENTING their kids.

 

Seventeenth: actors, writers, and other artists are not to be arrested for stupid political reasons, or for minor drug offenses. Come on, give these people a break.

 

Eighteenth: all tabloid newspapers are hereby banned (yes, they do fall under my jurisdiction, since they claim to be "entertainment" papers). Furthermore, being a paparazzi is now a crime punishable by jail time, and being kicked the shit out of by the celebrities upon whose lives they were intruding.

 

Nineteenth: Stephanie McMahon, Eric Bischoff, Lee Marshall, John Collins, and Vince Russo are hereby never allowed to write or control a wrestling show ever again.

 

Twentieth: all entertainment shall be made cheaper, since it costs way too much these days. Movie tickets will never cost more than five dollars; paperback books will not exceed five bucks; hardbacks won't go over fifteen; video rentals shall not exceed three dollars; video games will not cost more than thirty.

 

 

That is all for now. My ultimate goal is not to impose my own, or any other, restrictions upon entertainment product; I loathe Pauly Shore movies, but apparently someone somewhere finds them funny, and that person is not to be denied. My goal is to provide MORE entertainment choices of every medium, and to give tiny homegrown efforts an equal chance to succeed alongside the big corporate machines.

 

Everyone has a story. Why not let everyone tell their own?

 

That is all. Good luck to you all, good night, and see you at the movies."

 

He waves to the crowd, and they pop again, fading into general applause.

[Guest AP Newswire]

Baron of Entertainment Jingus disappears behind the stage and the crowd settles down for the next speaker, Viceroy of Education, SodomusChrist. James Earl Jones tells the crowd to sit tight, because here to play the National Anthem is the London Symphony Orchestra. Another platform comes up from the field with the orchestra on it.

 

The Imperial March goes well, but about a minute in, a fanatic breaks through the line of security that was caught up in the Anthem! The fanatic leaps onto the stage and begins firing at the Orchestra and when he is out of bullets, rips off his shirt to reveal the Australian flag painted on his torso. He screams "AUSTRALIA IS BEING INVADED!!!" while ripping up a small State flag produced from his pocket.

 

Nessun Dorma officers bum rush the man and drive him HARD into the stage. Three hold him down while a fourth shoots him in the back of the head. His body is dragged away as the crowd is in a panic, a panic that turns into cheers for the Nessun Dorma.

 

James Earl Jones reassures us that nothing more like this will occur, and to welcome the Viceroy of Education, Sodomus Christ.

[Guest AP Newswire]

SodomusChrist enters to a subdued cheer, as the crowd is trying to calm down from the attack on the orchestra, which led to the death of the finest floutist on the planet. He goes to speak, but James Earl Jones interrupts him to say that the Nessun Dorma will be patrolling the crowd for the rest of the night to prevent future incidents and that any suspicious looking people will be questioned.

 

SodomusChrist finally gets to speak.

 

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen of the State. Although a great tragedy has only recently befallen us, we will not lose our stance as the powerful nation we have become.

 

I am pleased to report that our nation's educational system has grown much more efficient. The educational inspectors have returned with much good to say about what has been done. Our teachers are not only well paid, but they do their job as well, and the threat of Cuban exile will keep that status constant.

 

The attack on the State of America has caused much of our recorded history to be lost, with little chance of recovery. This has brought an important issue to the attention of the ministry of Education. It shows us that we need a more reliable method of recording our states history. It has been suggested that we build a website to record our history and keep everyone updated on the doings of the state. To do this I reccomend that the Maximum Proconsul make available the position for the ministry of online presence. This ministry could work not only to maintain a working database of our doings, but could also work in conjunction with the Czar of Propaganda to make the spread of information more efficient.

 

I will also begin working with the nations historians to help further record the history of the great State of America. Our many successes will be written about for years to come.

 

Aside from the rebuilding process, one of our greatest concerns should be the elimination of various resistance groups within the State. Though the Nessun Dorma has already arrested many dissidents, and the rate of internal violence against the State has dropped, but there is still a problem.

 

I have come up with a plan that will attack this problem at the source. I am going to initiate a change in school curriculum and teaching that will advocate support for the State. Although this will do little to stop the resistance groups currently at large, it will do much to prevent new groups from forming. Over time, the Nessun Dorma will be able to eliminate all anti-government activists, and no new ones will be formed.

 

Though the recent times have been hard, they have made our resolve ever stronger. We will not fail to overcome the events of 6-19, and we will remain the strong nation we have always been. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the State, and goodnight."

 

He flashes a two fingered handsign and yells "ROCK ON AMERICA!!!!!" The crowd forgets about the Australian incident as it cheers, if it weren't for the Nessun Dorma officers combing the crowd.

 

SodomusChrist makes a "Suck it!" gesture and disappears behind the screen.

[Guest AP Newswire]

James Earl Jones tells the crowd that there are many former foreign dignitaries in attendance. A spotlight trolls across the skyboxes of the arena and the former leaders of Great Britain, Canada, Mexico, Germany, France, and Brazil are noted by name.

 

There are also many celebrities in attendance besides Incadenza. Several bands are pointed out, as well as Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr, who are in their own Skybox marked NATIONAL TREASURES. Many Oscar-winning actors as well.

 

Finally, former presidents Bush, Clinton, and Dubya are introduced to a big pop.

 

No one really notices that all Australian celebrities are together in one area. And that the Australian Prime Minister is not sitting with the rest of the foreign dignitaries, the leaders of Asia and Africa.

 

James Earl Jones announces the first intermission.

[Guest AP Newswire]

James Earl Jones announces that the intermission is over, and everyone should return to their seats with their food and drink and whatever State memorabilia they bought.

 

Duke of Sporting Events Treble Charged is announced, to a big pop, since the State loves sports. He comes from behind the screen wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey and brandishing a hockey stick. A shot shows the former Canadian Prime Minister standing up and applauding a lot more than his fellow former statesmen.

 

Treble Charged begins.

 

"Citizens of the State, it has come to my attention that our sports programs are currently lacking, therefore, I have devised a plan for the future of both our amateur, as well as our professional sporting programs.

 

First, I will begin with amateur. Throughout the State, when children reach the age of 5, they will undergo a series of athletic tests. Those who show the most promise will be taken away from their home and placed in a compound with others who show the same promise as them. Those who do not "pass" this test will be sent home, and tested again within 5 years, to see if they have progressed at all. While at these compounds, the children will practice a wide variety of sports, while being monitored by their teachers. The teachers will decide which sports the children should focus on when they get older, in order to ensure the best athletes are playing the sport they are best at. No one will play in more than one sport, as their energy must all be spent on the one sport they excel at. When the children reach the age of 18, they will graduate from the program, and begin training with the national team for the Olympics, World Championships, etc. Athletes will be rewarded financially based on their ranking at international events (i.e. Gold medalists will be rewarded with the largest sum of money, silver medalists with the second largest amount, etc.) as a form of motivation. Athletes will compete at these sports until their performance begins to decline (there will be no set age for retirement, as some athletes reach their prime earlier than others).

 

Next, will be our professional sporting leagues. First of all, the NFL, MLB, NHL, or any other existing professional league will no longer have any teams placed within the State. However, all owners will be allowed to place a franchise in any one of the new leagues that will be created However, every single professional athlete will be paid the same amount of money, regardless of their importance to their team or the league. This will help create parity within the State's sporting leagues, and avoid any situation like the New York Yankees. I know what you're saying, "The Yankees spend like there's no tomorrow, and they're great". You would be right, but the Yankees are evil, and the State is not.

 

I apoligize for the briefness of my statement, but personal problems have kept me away from my duties as Duke of Sporting Events for the State. I apologize, but the problems have been attended to, and there will be no more delays like there have been in the past. Thank you very much for your attention."

 

The crowd forgives him and cheers. Some throw hockey pucks onstage. Treble Charged disappears behind the screen as James Earl Jones tells the crowd to prepare for the Czar of Propaganda, which gets a big pop on its own.

[Guest AP Newswire]

Since the Ministry of Propaganda had been manipulating the masses to love PNNN, the crowd pops huge for the creator of PNNN. He comes from behind the screen with the first part of "Coma White" looping over and over. He raises his hands in the air, soaking in all the recognition that he has had to shrug off due to the secretiveness of his job. The crowd gives him two standing ovations for his great news station, and then quiets when he asks for it.

 

Czar of Propaganda: Greetings and salutations to you, my brothers and sister in the runnings of the State of America. It is good to see you all here after being gone for the last week.

 

It has been a long, strange ride thus far, with many memories I will never, ever forget. The State has been more than good to each and every one of us, even if some were plotting its doom for a small while (gestures to Chancellor Goodhelmet, whose face turn red even as he flashes a quick smile and everyone laughs politely). But I think we can all say that the State is the strongest it's ever been, due in no small part to my own workings and sacrifices.

 

The Ministry of Propaganda has worked from the beginning as a tool for the betterment of the State. To this end, my Ministry and I have brought about the Abbey Party's meteoric rise to power due to my groundbreaking plans for campaigning procedure. My Ministry and I have brought about the justice of an unknown killer of a rock star, as well as the origin of one of our greatest societal advancements, Foma. And last but not least, my Ministry and I have brought about the creation of the greatest instrument in keeping our power, PNNN News.

 

And it is with this last accomplishment that I make an announcement. I asked myself whilst I was in Jamaica, "Who would best help us deal with the public in a way everyone would identify with? Who, indeed, truly spans the generation gap and can really get things done?" And with that thought, I present the NEW head reporter for PNNN News......DAVID LEE ROTH!!!

 

(David Lee Roth runs on stage riding a gigantic inflatable crocodile. He is shirtless and wearing purple sequined tights. He galavants around for a few moments and then settles in front of the microphone.)

 

David Lee Roth: Dobideezibzebop!!! I'm so sad and looooonely!!! Sad and lonely, sad and lonely!!! I'm just a gigolo, baby!!! Dizibeezoobzebop!!! I'm talkin' 'bout the Yankee Rose!!! Yee hah!!!

 

Czar of Propaganda: Thank you, Dave.

 

(David Lee Roth exits the stage.)

 

Czar of Propaganda: Moving on, the events of 6/19 have led to a dramatic turn of events, as we all well know by now. I, as Czar of Propaganda, will unveil my plans for the public presentation of Operation: Dingoslaughter immediatly following its commencement. Once those plans are accepted and put into action, I will begin work on the new Triumph of the Will script. Following this, I will serve the State in any way the Maximum Proconsul sees fit. Truly, my Ministry and I will continue all the hard work we have thus far put forth.

 

In closing, I give my fondest regards and thanks to you all for the memories I have and the memories to come. I leave you with these words: LONG LIVE THE STATE OF AMERICA!!!

 

(With that, Czar of Propaganda massivHEDtrauma reaches into his suit coat pocket and grabs a bag of Funyons. As he walks away, he opens and begins munching them.)

 

He disappears behind the screen and David Lee Roth comes out again to a middle-aged pop. He jumps around like a spaz and ogles Incadenza's date before a pair of State officials escort him away.

[Guest AP Newswire]

James Earl Jones announces that the Chancellor to the Proconsul has a case of layrngitis and is unable to present his speech. He will instead do it on National Television at an undetermined future date.

 

Commander of Commerce Anglesault is announced. The crowd pops. He doesn't come out. The crowd pops again when he is re-announced. A helicopter, faintly heard at one point, descends into the stadium. A rope ladder descends when it gets to about ten feet above the stage. Anglesault descends down two steps, but falls the rest of the eight feet. Nessun Dorma officers go to help him up, but he waves them off. He stands and brushes himself off and walks up to the podium. The crowd cheers the sort-of spectacular entrance.

 

Anglesault begins.

 

"Sorry for the lack of punctuality, but as you all know, I was wrongly placed under House Arrest by the Lord of Foreign Policy, who is himself suspect by his absence tonight. I threw together a speech on the way here from my home in Langley.

 

Ladies, gentlemen, honored guests, distinguished members of The State, I have come here tonight to discuss my progress as Commander of Commerce in the State.

 

First of all, I'd like to explain just what commerce is. The Miriam-Webster definition of commerce is "the exchange or buying and selling of commodities on a large scale involving transportation from place to place." Common synonyms are communication, congress, contact, exchange, interchange, intercommunication; basis, common ground, and takeoff. But, what exactly does that MEAN? Well, broken down to it's simplest form, I am in charge of The State's trading. But say that that is all I do, is quite frankly a travesty. My position is much more detailed and complex than that.

 

As the Commander of Commerce in The State, I have to deal with corrupt traders, inadequate deals, and lousy offers. I need to constantly worry about the suspicion from others in The State that I might use my high profile position to turn on The State. I need to go through serious pains to make sure that everything goes perfectly...or do my damnedest to find out why it did not work out that way. I need to put in extra hours to do my job properly. I could be sitting at home relaxing, but I CHOOSE not to, and for one reason, loyalty to The State.

 

When I was made Commander of Commerce here in The State, in was an enormous honor. This was a major, responsibility, and I hope to fulfill it to the best of my abilities. I will do whatever I can to make sure that I do not let The State down. Thank you, and Goodnight."

 

The crowd forgets about his earlier bumble and applauds the Commander of Commerce as he leaves behind the stage.

 

James Earl Jones announces another intermission.

[Guest The Vanilla Midget]

edit: my bad

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Do you mind? Isn't it obvious that this is for the Convention only????? I was wondering how many speeches we'd get through before someone screwed it up.

[Guest AP Newswire]

James Earl Jones tells the crowd to return, and announces Weed Dude Dreamer420 is up now. An anemic pop followed by a lot of coughs goes up.

 

He stumbles out from behind the screen in an all-green suit.

 

"dudes and ladies. wait. i want to burn one while i'm doing this...

PERFECT...now in a moment someone will be around to pass out doobies to all the heads in the room. please wait your turn, and please no jumping the poor guy. my name is dreamer420. you can refer to me by that name or his weed dudeness, or even just dude if that is what you love. i'm here right now to speak to all of you on drugs.

 

heroin is the only drug that is frowned upon by me. if you like, you are free to experiment with whatever other shit you can find, just as long as you let me hit it too. marijuana use is not only legal but we, or maybe just me, I, really encourage smoking as much as you possibly can. It's not going to hurt you..."

 

At this point he passes out and is dragged offstage by a pair of State officers. The crowd gives a half-hearted round of applause.

 

Rounding out the Cabinet, Secretary of Justice justsoyouknow is next.

[Guest AP Newswire]

The final Cabinet member to make a speech is Secretary of Justice justsoyouknow, sez James Earl Jones.

 

Justsoyouknow emerges from behind the screen. The crowd gives him a massive pop, as he is the Cabinet member with the most stroke. He begins after raising a hand for quiet.

 

"Fellow Cabinet members, distinguished guests, it is truly an honor to be in the room with the brightest minds in the entire State of America. It is truly a moving experience...unfortunately, I am not here to compliment you all night long, that's the Maximum Proconsul's job. (Cheap laughter) If I may continue, there is a problem with the Cabinet. The...foundation of the State...is cracked. And we all know what happens when the foundation cracks. The entire structure crumbles around it. While the leader himself, along with a handful of the Cabinet, has grand visions, there are still those among us who are nothing but a road block that needs to be removed. I wouldn't like to point fingers (points fingers in the general direction of the Cabinet) but I would just like these members to know that I will not have my dreams destroyed just because there are those here who would rather make up fun little fantasy worlds instead of focusing on the present. When there are those who come out and tell the Maximum Proconsul that they wish to remove him from office and destroy his government, the response is to reward them. Chancellor Goodhelmet, would you please rise? (Chancellor Goodhelment rises to his feet to a round of applause) Thank you, you may take your seat now. While Chancellor Goodhelmet has come out and said that he wishes to put an end to the Party, he has been rewarded with his own brand new building. On the other hand, the members of the Cabinet who do actual work, such as myself, Head of the Nessun Dorma Intimacy Goblin, and Minister of War Supataft are forced to work in an extremely small office, with not enough room for the purpose of defending the entire country. I can see that the task of sitting on one's ass and threatening the rule of the leader of the country warrants an entire building, but still, the fact stands that the defense of this country requires more than 500 square feet. But I'm not here to complain, really, I'm not. I'm here to point out the flaws in this fallacy of a government that everyone seems to have become infatuated with. Our "fearless leader" has repeatedly made statements, the retracted them in the interest of gaining popular opinion. Because that's what a fascist government is all about, popular opinion. As much as I love this government with all of my heart and soul, our leader needs to understand that he cannot take for granted the position given to him. His power is extremely limited as far as a ruler goes. While he has a say in the goings on of several ministries, he has recently stated that he will stay out of The State's business in an effort not to snub anyone. This was primarily my fault, unfortunately it gives a lot of power to the Cabinet. More power than is neccesary. Wait.....can anyone tell me exactly what the hell Chancellor Goodhelmet does? Anyone?....that's my point. No, not to single out Chancellor Goodhelmet, but that no one has set responsibilities, we are all set to write our own structures for our respective ministries. I propose that we establish a checks and balances system to limit the power of the Cabinet and to place that power back in the hands of the true leader of our country, the Maximum Proconsul. If this is not approved, I will take matters into my own hands and deploy the Nessun Dorma. As the man in charge of the sole police force in the country, I am a man you do not want to make upset. I could easily have you arrested and put on trial for a charge I conjured up minutes before the trial occurs. I control the police...I control the law....I control Justice. Justice will be served one way or another. But please, whatever you do, do not judge a book by it's cover...that's my job. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time."

 

He disappears behind the screen to tremandous applause. James Earl Jones says that the Assistant Proconsul will speak next, and the crowd pops huge for that, since the world is wondering what exactly happened last night.

[Guest AP Newswire]

James Earl Jones announces Assistant Proconsul Kinetic, and the crowd goes quiet as he comes out from behind the screen.

 

"Good evening,

 

Who amongst us this evening is perfect? Who amongst us this evening is without flaws? Has never made a mistake or a miscalculation? Please stand, if you are that flawless individual, for it would do us all a tremendous service to see you in these trying times. ::pause:: For the proper effect to be made, Incadenza, I'm going to have to ask that you take your seat. Thank you. No? No one. No one is perfect. I, your Assistant Proconsul, am not perfect. And on the evening of Friday, June 21, I made perhaps the biggest mistake of my personal and professional career.

 

I feel the need to apologize. To the family of the young woman who was lost in the tragic accident, I offer my sincerest apologies. To you, my fellow Statesmen, I can perhaps never fully express my sorrow for the anguish my actions have caused you. To our constituents, I wish to only assure you that such a misdeed will never again take place.

 

There are a number of questions that you all have and I seek to answer them all. How badly am I injured? As you can see, I'm wearing a neck brace. I'm in constant pain. What was my relationship with the woman who tragically perished in the great Potomac? She was merely a close friend. Why did I wander into those two reprehensible establishments after the accident? I had suffered a concussion and was unaware of my actions. They just as easily could have been laundromats.

 

So, as you can clearly see, there's nothing for anyone to get worked up about. Accidents happen! People die all of the time! This could have happened to any one of you. Judge not lest ye be judged. Cast not the first stone. It was a totally innocent and unfortunate mistake, one that was in no way part of a larger plan formulated by a Sicilian mob I met on my recent trip to Italy. No siree.

 

Now let us never speak of it again.

 

Thank you and goodnight."

 

The confused crowd applauds after an akward silence. He leaves the stage looking uneasy and James Earl Jones announces the speech of the Maximum Proconsul is next! The crowd pops beyond all sanity, because now the Australian issue can be handled.

 

The final intermission is taken, with Kotzenjunge's speech to be executed in a half-hour.

[Guest AP Newswire]

The Maximum Proconsul has James Earl Jones announce the postponement of the speech until 12:15 or 12:30 due to pressing Cabinet business. Many sources are saying that there is some kind of dispute going on.

[Guest AP Newswire]

The Maximum Proconsul is announced and gets a megapop. He looks flustered, but composes himself. He moves for silence and speaks after ten minutes of cheers.

 

"State citizens, this glorious Convention brings the New Order full circle. WE are now the establishment. WE are the control. Did you see the man who just died no more than fifty meters away from where I stand? That man opposed us. He was an unquestionable idiot. Only fools oppose us now.

 

These fools admittedly got the best of us on 6/19. I was awakened and told the news by an aide late in the night. The First Lady was worried, as was I, but I understood that we, the State of America, were too powerful to give into terrorism. The Abbey Party was put on trial by fire through its campaigns throughout North America, Europe, and South America. It came out on top each time, and this time will be no different.

 

Assistant Proconsul Kinetic, in light of his current handicap, is deemed unable to perform his current job and will be relieved of his position until his neck heals. Chancellor to the Proconsul Goodhelmet is the acting Assistant Proconsul. Kinetic may or may not also be in a lot of trouble with non-State entities. For his own safety is another reason he is temporarily relieved.

 

In other Cabinet news, Lord of Foreign Policy Big Poppa Popick is dangerously close to being expelled from the Party. His lack of attention in his job and insubordination in giving himself “emergency powers” has angered the State to the point where he is seriously being considered for arrest and possibly disappearance.

 

This brings me to my chief domestic concern: A lack of awareness and activity in the State. Our Cabinet is the most powerful body of men on the planet, but they don’t notice what’s going on. We have already gone over the lack of knowledge as to the pecking order, but there is a lack of knowledge of what territory we have! Are you serious? As much as we publicize our military victories and distribute maps, there are common people who know more about our borders than the Cabinet members.

 

There were speeches by seven Cabinet members. Minister of War SupaTaft is excused, because he is currently conducting a very special mission that I am going to delve into later on. Our Master of the Treasury, Lord of Foreign Policy, Baron of Labor, Overlord of Homeland Security and Ayatollah of Agriculture did not make speeches. The Ayatollah himself is gone, as is the Baron of Labor. We need people who will DO THINGS. Our Councillor of Music, Chancellor of Frightening/Offensive/Disgusting Matters, and First Lady are all out of the State and unavailable for contact, so they are excused as well.

 

But the message is clear: We now have openings for Ayatollah of Agriculture and Baron of Labor. We will not accept Cabinet members who want to be in just so they can have a title. They need to do something to maintain that title.

 

But Minister of War SupaTaft is busy with his and the armed forces’ mission. As of 4:30 PM this afternoon, we are in a state of war with Australia. They are currently being routed by our armies. They’re putting up a valiant fight, but we’re too strong and too plentiful. Their civilians are fleeing to the interior of the country, and we have cut off all communication out of the island. All Australian tourists will be arrested and immigrants will be questioned. Why would we do this?

 

THEY ARE REPSONSIBLE FOR 6/19. They will pay.

 

As of right now, here is what we have taken:

 

(a map appears on the screen)

 

 

Sydney has yet to be seized, but the city is under seige. After we rout their army, we will execute at will any dirty Aussie bastards who try to keep fighting us until we've stamped out the Koala-loving threat.

 

LONG LIVE AMERICA!!!!!!

 

(jets fly over the stadium and several eagles are released as the Imperial March plays)

 

The crowd cheers and the Australian section of the crowd is immediately attacked by the throng of 80,000+.

 

We hope you have enjoyed our coverage of the Abbey Party Convention. Closing Ceremonies are cancelled in lieu of the Assistant Proconsul's absence as well as the march to burn down the Australian embassy.

 

Have a good evening and LONG LIVE AMERICA!!!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Bump, in case any Cabinet members haven't seen it yet.

[Guest kane3212321]

I live in the lower part of Victoria, how come I haven't heard anything about this invasion on the news? No matter, the kangaroos will soon stop you!!!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Retard.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Bump again, last time, so the slacker Cabinet members can see it.

[Guest dreamer420]

I live in the lower part of Victoria, how come I haven't heard anything about this invasion on the news? No matter, the kangaroos will soon stop you!!!

do you know what a mullux is?

[Guest kane3212321]

I repent after seeing how powerful and dominant the group is, any information on the Australian Military that you require, I am now willing to hand over to America

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Okay, idiot, Mr. Idiot, no. We're beating their ass enough on our own. They've already suffered 25% casualties on all fronts.

 

And another thing, stop posting in this thread.

[Guest Angle-plex]

I think you guys need a SECRET AGENT~!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Look, if you're going to ask for a job that doesn't exist and that you won't get, apply somewhere that ISN'T here. And the State will say what it needs.

[Guest Angle-plex]

I was just JOKING~!

[Guest benoitrules2000]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT!!!

What have you got against us!!!???

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Gee, someone doesn't know what's genuine and what isn't.

[Guest benoitrules2000]

I meant why did you pick australia for your stupid little fascist dictatorship fantasy?

[Guest Incandenza]

BUMP

 

Good times, good times....