Royal Rumble 2000 Rant

[Guest kurtangledoesnotsuck]

Royal Rumble 2000 Mini Rant

 

Welcome to mini-rants, the new way of ranting in wrestling. Ok, the truth is I can't be arsed giving blow-by-blow accounts of every match in my collection because I would be in the retirement home by the time I could finish, and even then, I would only be at 2004. So, like it or lump it because here it comes........

 

Tazz vs Kurt Angle Tazz is billed as a secret opponent, but just about everyone in the MSG knows that it will be the little runt from Brooklyn, New York. Anyway, onto the match. Tazz and Kurt Angle exchange some amazing suplexes, (a gimmick that would die for Tazz.) Tazz is branded "the human suplex machine". Now he is known as the bully from Tough Enough who does commentary on Smackdown. Ha, how we laughed. Anyway, Tazz wins with the Tazzmission, ending Kurt Angle's unbeaten streak in the WWF. Tazz's best ever match in the WWF at a lowly ***. 1 for 1 at 3:16

 

Table Match Hardy Boys vs Dudley Boys This is the first ever tag-team table match in the WWF, by the way. The Hardy are just suicidal as this point, throwing themselves about like there's no tomorrow. The Dudley's are impressive too, doing a good job of selling and putting the Hardys over. At this point, the Hardys were the more "over" team in the WWF, with the Dudleys gaining little crowd. However, this match was a real "coming of age match for both teams, establishing the TLC battles that would tear the WWF apart in months to come. Bubba recieves the leg drop/splash combo from the Hardys to go through first. Matt gets powerbombed all the way to hell by Bubba. And in a true act of crazyness, Jeff Hardy jumps off the Royal Rumble stage sentoning D'von through a table for the victory. ****. 2 for 2 at 10:17 That match MADE these guy's careers in the WWF.

 

Miss Royal Rumble 2000 This is an idea that was quickly brushed under the carpet, in the next years, and you'll find out why. In fact, if you have never heard of this, you have led a very sheltered life. Ivory is reluctant to show off, but eventually does reveal a nice green swimsuit. Terri has some sort of skin coloured bikini but I wince whenver I see Terri's botched boob job and prominent rib cage. Jacky has a very skimpy bikini but the crowd ain't buying Jackie. Luna calls Jerry Lawler (the announcer for this contest) a pervert and refuses to participate. The Kat has a bubble wrap bikini and gets a huge response from the crowd. And just when you thought the contest was over, Mae Young appears wearing a gown and then proceeds to tear it off revealing sock-like breasts. MSG collectively vomits and Lawler has a seizure. The censored sign doesn't cover her breasts!! For God's sake!! And then in probably the worst moment in the WWF history, Mae Young is deemed the winner and does another topless pose, catching the producers off-guard. Mark Henry does at least one thing right and makes the save. Good God. I don't rate 1920s porn.

 

Intercontinental Title Chris Jericho vs Hardcore Holly vs Chyna Chyna and Jericho are co-champions at this point, after the infamous double pin. Decent match but not enough triple threat and too much 1 on 1 which really defeats the purpose of the concept. Chyna played her part well and Hardcore Holly was good too. Match highlights include Holly kicking out of a pedigree and Holly cradling Chyna legs after Chyna caught Holly with a mighty Superplex. Jericho gets in the backdoor, though, giving Chyna a lionsault and pinning her to become UNDISPUTED IC champion. Good match. *** 3 for 3 at 7:30

 

WWF Tag Team Titles Acolytes vs New Age Outlaws This is probably the point that the Acolytes became big faces in the WWF. This match was brutally short and obviously clipped to make time for the WWF title match - which isn't a bad thing. Mostly brawling from both teams including the damndest clothesline from hell EVER from Bradshaw to Billy Gunn. The match quickly becomes a mess and Billy Gunn gives Bradshaw a fameasser for the victory. * for some good brawling, although it's not worth a point. 3 for 4 at an ultra-fast 2:35

 

WWF Title Match Triple H vs Cactus Jack Street Fight Rules This match is probably one of the best in WWF history. An unbelievable brawl featuring the two best talents in the business. Triple H, at this point, is the best in the business and this match signifies the turning point in his career. Foley is in good shape and lays into HHH with some stiff right hands. HHH returns the favour with a few sick chair shots. However, it all turns nasty when Cactus produces a 2*4 wrapped in barb wire which produces a classic blade-job from HHH. Cactus goes for a piledriven but gets backdropped onto the Spanish Table which DOESN'T break. HHH produces handcuffs, in a repeat of Rumble 99 and smashes Cactus with some unprotected chair shots. Cactus then ingeniously lures HHH into the aisle way where THE ROCK comes out and blasts HHH with a chair. Jack then gets unhandcuffed. Cactus then piledrives HHH onto the announce table which, again, doesn't break. Cactus rolls HHH back into the ring and prouduces thumb tacks, speading them all over the ring. It backfires, however, and Cactus gets backdropped onto the tacks and then pedigreed for two?!! A second pedigree ONTO THE TACKS finishes the war. What an amazing battle between two great superstars. Easy ***** and if anyone tells you otherwise, tell them wear to shove their boots. 4 for 5 at 26:48 Like Summerslam 1998, this match MADE Triple H into an ultimate ring warrior. Sadly, nowadays, HHH looks and performs like Jim Hellwig.

 

The crowd is exhausted and rightly so, but we still have the Royal Rumble Match.

 

Royal Rumble Match

After last year's shitty Rumble which was plagued with jobbers, this one had to deliver, and it did. This is a great match containing one of the best ever Rumble moments in which Rikishi dances with Too Cool only to dump his buddies afterwards . Kai En Tai keep coming in, pissed off that they weren't chosen for the Rumble. Former WWF champion Bob Backlund was chosen and he gives a decent showing only to be eliminated by Chris Jericho. It took about 9 men to throw out Rikishi after Rikishi had dominated the Rumble match - even eliminating Viscera. The crowd isn't happy with that outcome. Kane, Big Show and Rock all cleanhouse and all of them plus X Punk are in the final four. Kane slams the Big Show to a huge response. Rock throws out X Pac only for him to come back in and throw out Kane. Big Show dumps X Pac, eventually. The final two are Big Show and Rock and they both exhange finishing moves. In the end though, Rock dumps Big Show to win the Royal Rumble. Afterwards, it was revealed that Rocks feet hit the floor first and that the actual winner was Big Show. Four months later, Rock was champion and Big Show was competing in comedy matches. Easy **** for a great Rumble. 5 for 6 at 51:48

 

What are you waiting for! If you haven't seen this, go out and buy it immediately - you'd be a fool not to. Thumbs way up for an absolutely fantastic night of wrestling.