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One month. Well, it didn’t feel like a month. To Anne Frank, a Jew in

hiding from the Nazis, it seemed like a year. One month since the

fateful encounter with the mysterious man from another world, who she

only knew as ‘Goku’. The handsome stranger had stepped through time

and into her life, then disappeared without a trace. Anne was almost

sure that they’d never meet again, even though not one day passed

without her dreaming of him. Little did she know, however, that their

lives were tied by the unbreakable red string of fate.


It was another boring day in the Secret Annex. Anne sat on the bed of

her room, writing in her diary. It never occurred to her, however,

that this entry would be her last. As she wrote in the quiet attic,

there was a loud noise from downstairs. Her heart jumped with both

fear and excitement. Was it them? The Nazis? Or, could it be... him?

She had no idea whether to run downstairs or to hide. That decision,

however, was made for her. Her door flew open, and a tall soldier was

visible in the doorway, glaring at her. The cries of her family members

and friends were tuned out as Anne only thought of one thing. She

stood up and followed the soldier out of her room, down the stairs,

and into the back of a truck. "So this is it." She said quietly to

herself. "I’ll never see him, my one true love, ever again. And all

those years of hiding" they were for naught." Then, Anne realized that

she left her precious diary up in her room. She broke loose from the

officer, and made a dash back into the shop, when he removed a gun

from his holster and fired a shot in her direction. Anne fell to the



Anne lay on the floor, feeling searing pain run through her leg, where

the bullet had met its mark. The Gestapo officer menacingly moved

towards her, grinning, when all of a sudden there was a blinding flash

of light, causing the officer to shield his eyes. A huge cloud of smoke

appeared next to Anne, blocking her from the soldier’s vision. When the

smoke cleared, he was in for quite a surprise. There was Goku, holding

Anne in his arms, standing next to a huge metal capsule. "Goku!" cried

Anne "You came back... for me!" Goku smiled. "Anything for you, my

dear." He said. "Our love will never be lost" not until the end of

time." The Gestapo officer turned tail and ran, but Goku was too quick

for him. After laying Anne on the concrete, he dashed towards the Nazi

and knocked him to the ground, unconscious, with only one blow. "Nazi

scum." Muttered Goku as he spit on his enemy’s limp body, then returned

to Anne. "Here, I have something for you." Goku said, as he removed a

small bean from his pocket. "What on earth is this?" asked Anne. Goku

smiled, remember how ignorant she was to what was everyday life to him.

"A senzu bean." He said. "Just eat it, and it will cure your leg." Anne

followed his instructions and popped the bean into her mouth, as the

wound on her calve magically healed. "Now come on." Commanded Goku.

"We’ve got some Nazi ass to kick." Anne jumped on the mysterious

Saiyan’s back, as he launched off into the sky.


After only a few moments, the two of them arrived in Berlin. Tanks were

parading down the street, as Adolf Hitler himself stood on a platform

overlooking it all. "Stay here." Goku said, dropping Anne in a shaded

area under a tree. He then flew straight towards the parade of tanks,

fist outstretched, screaming as loud as he could. The soldiers below

scattered in terror, while the tanks tried to aim their cannons at him.

He was too quick and nimble for them, however, and opened the hatch of a

nearby Panzer, then headed inside. After dispatching of the soldiers in

control of the war machine, he took the wheel. He fired round after

round into the crowds of Nazi soldiers, occasionally firing at the other

tanks. After only minutes, there was nothing but a cloud of dust and

corpses. Goku emerged from the tank’s hatch, smiling now that he had

done his duty. When all of the dust cleared, there were only two people

remaining on the parade ground: Goku, the Saiyan hero, and Adolf Hitler,

the most evil man ever to walk the earth.


Anne watched from nearby fearfully as she saw the two men stare at each

other for what seemed like hours. Her one true love, and her ultimate

oppressor. It had come down to this. "So," Hitler said jovially "You took

out all of my men. However, you aren’t going to defeat me." Hitler then

jumped down from his platform and down onto the street in front of Goku,

pulling a chain gun from the ground nearby. Goku quickly jumped behind a

ruined tank, as Adolf opened fire. The tank made decent cover, but it

wasn’t long until it would be torn apart by the hail of bullets. Goku had

to act. He dashed out from the side of the tank, and flew as fast as he

could toward Hitler, who had no time to react. He grabbed the chain gun

out of his enemy’s hands, and snapped it over his knee with ease. Hitler

stumbled backwards, shocked at the turn of events. Goku smirked, then

said "It’s come down to this. You and me. Fighting like men. If you admit

defeat now, I’ll kill you rather painlessly." Goku had the definite

advantage. Or so it seemed. Hitler burst into a laugh, as Goku looked on

quizzically. The mustachioed man slowly rose into the air, as his brown

hair and pencil moustache turned a blonde color, and his brown eyes

turned blue. Goku reeled in horror. Hitler continued laughing, then

finally said "Goku! You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead,

you found a GOD!" Hitler had become a Super Saiyan.


Anne looked on in awe, not sure what was going on. At first, it seemed

like her lover would win the battle, but now she was not so sure. Goku now

seemed scared of his opponent, and it was for a good reason. Hitler

continued to speak "Goku, can’t you see? I’ve reached a power level 10

TIMES anything you’ve ever achieved! Your fate is sealed, weakling." Even

though the battle seemed unwinnable, Goku charged in, screaming at the top

of his lungs. Everyblow he struck with was deflected off of Hitler’s rock

hard body. Hitler waited for Goku to tire himself out, then raised his

fist and punched Goku. And one punch was enough. Goku was knocked across

the street into a large propaganda poster of Hitler, thudding to the cold,

hard ground. Hitler laughed, thinking that victory was in his hands at

last. Goku, however, was not ready to give up. Bruised and battered, he

rose from the ground, limping in Hitler’s direction. The Nazi leader

laughed. "You still want to fight? Don’t you know when to give up, boy?

You can hardly walk. And you expect to beat ME? Conqueror of Europe?" Goku

ignored Adolf’s taunts as he continued to stumble his way forward. Finally,

the two archrivals were standing face to face. Goku stared Hitler into the

eye, then screamed "This... is for LOVE!" and flew up into the sky, his

hair turning blonde, his eyes blue, and an aura of power radiating from

him. Hitler looked on in horror at Goku. He had made the ultimate

achievement. He had become a Super Ultra Power Saiyan. Goku made a cup

shape with his hands, aiming at Hitler, as he belted out the words "Kame...

Hame... HAAAAA!" as a beam of pure energy shot at his enemy,

disintegrating the Nazi leader’s body. Goku then collapsed to the ground

in a heap, exhausted from the fight.


Two years later:


Anne and Goku had finally reached the date of their wedding. After the

battle, Anne and Goku destroyed the time machine and took a boat to

Australia. They changed their names and lived new lives, ready to start

over. The two young people looked into each others eyes as they kissed,

as the reverend pronounced them man and wife. Finally, it seemed, Anne

was at peace. And they would always be together, until the end of time.


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by Haimoimoi


"Well," muttered Morpheus, "I suppose you'd like to know what role you'll be playing in

the destiny of mankind."


"Yes Neo," Trinity interjects, "mankind has entered it's darkest hour. We are a hunted

people. The machines kill us faster than we can reproduce. Our numbers dwindle while

theirs multiply. They have colonized other planets neo. They will soon become the

dominant life form in the Universe. The pitiful human race from the uninteresting planet

Earth has unleashed a horror upon all things that exist. We are Cain. We are the

destroyers. If God did intend a place in heaven for his children, I'm sure he has

reconsidered. The Pandora’s Box is open Neo, and you are the only life form in the

countless billions that exist that can prevent an end to all things."


"Wow, that's rough," responded Neo. "Hey Morpheus, show us your penis."


"You got it!" exclaimed a visibly aroused Morpheus. The bulge in the front of his baggy

purple pants was stretching the silky clown-fabric to the seams. It looked painful.

With a careful zip, his crazed pants weasel exploded from his pants like a flesh

javelin thrown by The Incredible Hulk. It hit the floor with a sound like a bag of meat

falling from a 30-story building.




Morpheus turned to Neo, his penis sliding across the floor with a sound like a BUTT

cheek sliding across a linoleum floor.




"Well, that's certainly the biggest, blackest boner I've ever seen." said Trinity.


"How is that even possible?" asked Neo.


"Junk email. I just bought 30 different pills. Added 30-90 inches to that special part.

xjhdjajidj" Morpheus cryptically replied.




"So, I suppose I should put this in your bitch, " threatened Morpheus.


"Yes, please do," said Trinity.


Neo walked over to the closet, "I'll get the jaws of life. You two should probably wrap

that jimmy with a boat tarp or something."


"I prefer bareback bro, besides, she can't possibly survive this."


"That's for sure," said trinity as she drew a finger across her throat in the universal

sign for gettin' jiggy.


"Ok, open that whore up, Dr. Mantruck is in high gear," Morpheus said gesturing to his



Without warning Morpheus delivered a side kick to Trinity's gut, doubling the small

woman over and bringing her to her knees. He rounded to her back, clasping his hands

together and delivering a powerful overhand smash to the small of her back. Morpheus

grabbed her by her small, girlish tits and blasted his skin plow into her tuna orchard.


Trinity's vagina was instantly torn asunder as the meat rocket drove straight through

her cervix and into her uterus. The human body reacts poorly to the shock of massive

impalement and Trinity was no exception. She began to hemorrhage terribly from the

distention and tearing of tissues throughout her pelvic region. The vascular

disintegration continued as her womb was crushed and torn by the force of Morpheus'

raging member. As momentum carried him forward, Trin's pelvis came apart like a mobile

home in a tornado. The splintering bone was driven outwards, causing further trauma to

the musculature around her hips. Muscle and sinew was torn asunder when the weight of

Morph's love turret crashed though the approximate region of Trin's obturator foramen.

The pubofemoral and iliofemoral ligaments snapped under the pressure and both of

Trinity's legs were essentially dislocated.


When wang met coccyx, thing really started to heat up!


Morpheus' Black Stallion was no ordinary throw-sausage, and it shattered her coccyx

like a hand grenade made of bone. At this point they were about .03 seconds into

lovemaking and already Trinity was beyond the help of medical science (even future

medical science). Her lower GI was liquefied into a gory bolus and crushed against her

diaphragm. The air was forced from her lungs and her heart stopped.


Vertebrae by sexy vertebrae, Morpheus' hulking beef whistle inched its way into her

rib cage. The first real resistance to this hot man injection came when his half

helmet met her xyphoid process. It could not be stopped though, and a crack formed

longitudinally along her sternum allowing complete access to the wet vice of her

upper ribs.


"I'm Cumming!!!!!!" shouted Morpheus. "Where do you want it?"


"In my eye!" screamed Trinity.


"In my hair!" yelled Neo.


"On my sandwich!" cried Cypher.


The spunk eruption from Mt. St. Morpheus was too much for the remainder of Trinity's

body. She simply fell apart like a baseball made of ground beef.


Neo walked up beside Morpheus to gawk at the grisly pile that used to be Trinity. Both

men were splattered with blood and had looks of shock and absolute horror painted on

their faces.


Morpheus is the first to speak, "well, that's the deadest Trinity I've ever seen."


to be continued in act 3!



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<b>these walls are paper thin</b>




Everyone knows about him now.


They watch him like ants through a glass, pasting him against cold plastic that slides

under his feet, reading him aloud and shoving him through sweaty hands. He's always

open and it's always bright. It's impossible to hide anything for long.


So many things came before that no one knows about. People know that his boss has no

clue about business strategy and has the intelligence of a gnat. They never saw him on

his knees, with eyes red and tired, in front of corporate officials that spit at his



Everyone knows Asok is naive and Dogbert decides everything and Alice has lost her

mind. No one ever saw them before.


They laugh at Wally, more than anyone. To Dilbert, it isn't funny at all.




His day goes the same most times.


He gets his coffee in the morning and sits in his cubicle for twenty minutes,

pretending to work on his project, just as he's been doing for the last month, because

Wally has a theory that the whole thing will be scraped anyway and even if it wasn't

the product is faulty and would be recalled in under a week. He's saving the company

money by not wasting his time on it, in theory.


After he finishes his cup he goes to get another one and stops to listen to Alice rant

about the newest deadlines. He tells her about his and Wally's theory but she just

looks at him like he's insane and backs away.


When he passes the boss' office Carol is unscrewing the doorknob and reversing the

handles. This will be the third Friday in a row that she's successfully locked the boss

in his office after lunch so she can take the afternoon off.


Wally's already at the coffee maker when Dilbert gets there, his coffee cup resting on

his stomach, like always. Dilbert always gets a second cup but he rarely drinks it.

He's found that it is much better for his lack of productivity if he's half comatose

and likely to mess up if he tries to work anyway.


"Hi Wally," he says, while stirring in the decaying white creaming powder, and receives

no answer because this week Wally doesn't believe in hellos and goodbyes. "This is

possibly the most vile substance on the planet," Dilbert decides, taking a small sip

anyway, for appearances sake.


"Then why do you drink it?" It's said the same way Wally always talks. Slowly and

precisely, like the words are walking over glass.


Dilbert doesn't know what to say because the truth is that he doesn't drink it and

that's too hard to explain. He shrugs. Wally almost smirks at him, in that way that can

never be drawn right so seems the only private part of their life that's left, and

walks away. Dilbert's hand shakes on the cup as he lets it just close enough to his lips

for the cup to clatter against his teeth, the steam dampening his face, thick and



He goes back to his office (read: cubicle) and works for a solid hour because he has to

care, even if most of the time it won't matter.




They have a meeting that afternoon and the pointy haired boss (does he even have a name

anymore? Dilbert's pretty sure it's written somewhere but he can't be bothered to look)

starts talking, which is always a reason not to pay attention, but he tries anyway,

until he hears the word ‘irreprehensible' for the third time and fears his brain will

start leaking out onto the conference table.


Wally is sitting across from him and Dilbert can tell that he's actually not listening.

He doesn't even pretend anymore. Still, when it's his turn to speak he always seems to

know what to say.


"There is a marginal increase in the projected budget of my project due to consumer

demand." And that sounds true, even to Dilbert, and he's pretty sure that Wally's not

even working on a project right now. At least not one that doesn't involve measuring

the rate at which the cockroach population has increased based upon an up in employee

working hours.


Dilbert's foot brushes against Wally's under the table and he pulls it back quickly,

slamming his knee into the table. When he looks up the pointy haired boss is still

looking thoughtful.


"Well we aren't allowed to spend any more money of the budget this quarter unless it's

on paper cups," he says, not seeming to have noticed the mishap, as he points at a pie

graph with his ruler, where about 20% is taken up by a green triangle that reads ‘Paper

Cups'. "Can't you just get rid of some consumers?"


Wally's expression doesn't change and one of his feet hits Dilbert's under the table

again. "We could formulate extra products out of cut-up paper cups, until we get more

money." His voice is steady.


The pointy haired boss looks even more thoughtful. Dilbert thinks that he probably

spends all those minutes of thoughtful time coming up with elaborate excuses to sneak

to the bathroom and jerk off. Dilbert has caught him at this at least a dozen times

before but prefers not to remember. It's one of the few things they have left that he

wishes wasn't there.


"That's an excellent idea," he says finally as if the decision was of utmost

importance. The pointy-haired boss prattles on for a bit about cubicle size (he seems

to have this confused with "downsizing") and then the meeting is over. So is the day.


Dilbert runs into Wally outside his cubicle. So is his life, he's tempted to think and

opens his mouth anyway.


"Wally? Can I talk to you?" he asks. He has to reach out to touch the clear glass

beside them, fingers pressed flat, to keep his balance. It feels papery and thinner

than glass should be.


Wally blinks at him. "Isn't that what you're doing?"


There's silence but it never feels quiet anymore, like flapping sheets catching in the

wind. Dilbert tries to remember exactly how to be serious, without irony. "Um," he says,

which seems a better start than most around here. "Do you want to go get a drink

sometime? Like a date-type drink. A drink date." He chokes a bit on the words but it

keeps him from rambling more so he coughs and tries to look calm. Wally is staring at

him, eyes dark and blurry behind the glass lenses. It's a familiar feeling.


"Sure," Wally finally says, slowly, and then turns away. Dilbert can see the coffee

rested on his stomach, like it's about to tilt off and he thinks of his own cup, cold

and molted to the porcelain, back at his desk.


Dilbert blinks once and then his hand is ripping through the glass, streaking blood

from his knuckles as the clear wall peels away like paper. When he falls, it's already

dark before he hits the ground.



We're all disciples till the day we die

So why you try to play the role of the teacher

I can see through you, you are paper thin

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After The Date

by Amanda Marie Taylor


AUTHER'S NOTE: This story is about me and Dr. Viper on a date

on planet earth. And one last thing I'm not so great with grammer.


Dr. Viper and I went to see the movie Romeo and Julliet.While we

were wacthing the movie, Dr. Viper my hand smiled at me lovingly.

At the kissing sene,me and Dr. Viper kissed all through that part and

we axadently fell down. After the movie, we went out to dinner

at Fresh Choice. I had ceaser salad,dried vegetables,a potato,

and nonfat ice cream while Dr. Viper had clam chowder, ceaser salad,

and pesto pizza. We ate our food and we talked a while.

"So Viper darling,why are you trying to turn Mega Kat city into

a swamp?" I asked nicely.

"The rasssson why iss, becausssse I find it ugly with all that

metal and plasssstic buildingsss. That'ss why my sssweetnessss."

he whisphered in my ear.

We paid the bill and went to the park.

"Amanda, I need to tell you sssomething." he said to me seriously.

"Yes, what is it?" I asked.

"Amanda, I love you. I love you more then trying to take over

Mega Kat city and I would be mosssst honnered if you heard me now.

Amanda, will you marry me?" he said and asked.

"Yes!" I said happliy. And we did. Dr. Viper forgot about about

Mega Kat city and thought more about us.

9 months later........

"Viper, guess what. We're going to have baby!" I said.

"When?" he asked happily jumping out of his chair.

"Now!" I said.

Dr. Viper rushed as fast he could to the hospital and carried me in.

1 hour later.........

"Dr. Viper, I have a surprise for you. Follow me."the nurse said.

When Viper got there........

"We have twins." I said smiling at him. Dr. Viper jumped up and

down saying,"I'm a father! Horray!!!!" Dr. Viper walked up to me

and said,"Your going to be a great mother."

"And your going to be a great father." I said to him.




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"The Fist KILLS everyone!"

by Issei mataloun!!!!!!!!!!



I always wanted to write this!


This is the first time Ive ever ritten a funny fanfic.................

I hope you like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


ken went into the room and saw yuu and miki having sex on the couhc

they loked at him scared and sayed


"What are you doing here?!?!?!?!?!?!"


ken looked at them evily and flexed his muscles and sayed


"I am the the FIST OF THE NORTHSRAT! I will KILL all of you now!

hahahahahahahaha!!" He then punches yuu in the face and his entire

body explodeded then he kicked miki and she exploded too. Ken laughed


"hahahahahahahahahaha! I will kill all of the crappy anime chaters!



Wehenever he sayed that, Hero, duo quarter, torwa, and wufee jumped into

the room and they all sayed at the same time

"WE'LL KICK YOU ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" then they jumped into their

wussy Gundamns and shot stuff at ken! Ken just laughed and sayed

"You guys suck! Feel my super move!!!" He then jumped REALLY high into

the air and kicked all of the Gundamns, then all of the kids fell out

and lanfed on the floor.


They screemed at they exploded and the blood wnet everywhere. Ken

danced around inthe blood but then that dumb guy from Wing of Hommanise

came out in his space suit and sayed


"You killed my friends! You a meeeeeeeeeeeeean man!!!"


Ken sayed "Yeah and your next!!!!!" He then thumped that dummass in

the head and it explodeded. lupin jumped out and sayed something

stupid and acted like a jackasss but ken ripped off his arms and wached

him bleed. When raindow bright came in she yelled "YOU NEED TO BE

NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But Ken just riped his shirt off

and kicked her head off.


"Hahahahahahahaha no one here can beat me up!!!!! I am the strongest person in

the WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!" When he sayed that a shadow came out.




He then saw that it was GIGANTOR!!!!!!!


Ken then sayed "OH MY GOD!!!!!!! He's pretty big!" Gigantor hit Ken in

the stomach but he didn;'t feel it cuz Ken was really strong.


"hahahaha! But hes weak!!!!" Ken glowed blue and hitgigator really fast

a lot of times........................then it exploded and died!!!!


The three people came out and looked at ken. Ken bowed cuz he saw theat

they was Issei Mataloun (his MASTER!! He was the GOD of martial arts!!!!!),

Master Ryeken (his father and teacher), and the Over Fiend.

"YOU HAVE DONE WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they sayed and Ken was happy.

He had killed all of the crappy anime chartacters.

But..................................there was

still more that had to DIE!!!!!!!!


The End.............................................

FOR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Gilmore girls - Who's got the Biggest

By Oric13




Chapter 1



"Is that my sweater?"


I looked at my mom with surprise. "What?"


"You're wearing my sweater."


"So?" I answered back somewhat exasperated. Why does mom suddenly have an

issue with me loaning some of her clothing... it never has been a problem

in the past.


"No, it's OK," Lorelai hurriedly explained. "It's just I thought I asked

you to at least ask, you know, before you borrow my stuff."


"I'm sorry," I sighed.


"It's OK. It's just not too much to ask for a simple "Can I borrow it,

Mom?" is it?" she pressed on.


"No, it's not. Jeez, lighten up," I shot back a bit irritable, meanwhile

busy contemplating what suddenly got into my --usually easy going and

laidback-- mom... Of course! She is annoyed I didn't have a terrible time

at the golf club... and this her little way of dealing with it.


"It's my favourite sweater too."


She just isn't going to let this drop, is she? Sighing again, I answered,

"Since when?"


"Since always."


"This is not your favourite sweater."


God! That woman could be so infuriating some times!


"Yes it is and now it's going to be all stretched out just like everything

else you borrow." Mom continued tirelessly.


I looked at her with amazement. "What are you talking about?"


"I'm talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and you

stretch them out."


What? She is really grasping at straws now!


"I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine."


"That is not true."


"Yes it is."


"Your boobs are totally bigger than mine!" she retorted.


I can't believe I'm having a conversation with my mother about who got the

biggest boobs! ... Besides, it's so obvious hers are bigger.


"You're crazy!" I called out.


"Do you want to measure?"




"I'm serious. Why don't you get the measuring tape right now?"


"I am not going to measure my boobs." Jeez! Mom is taking obstinacy to a

whole new level!


She shot me a pointed look. "Because you know that you are totally bigger."


This is getting way too weird for me. "I'm going inside."


"Fine, don't measure. We'll just compare bras."


"Stop it!" God! Couldn't she at least consider expressing her feelings in a

normal way? What's wrong with saying: Rory, it bothers me that you had fun

at the golf club and actually want to hang out with your grandparents, whom

I dislike... But no! SHE wants to compare tits!


"I'll stop when you quit stealing my stuff."


"You're cracked!" She's cracked! Now what's the phone number for the mental



"You're... bigger," Mom shot back.


Rolling my eyes, I grabbed my books and dashed inside.

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Lasagna! Pookie


by Losh



"Garfield, dinner!"


Garfield snuggled deeper in his box and mumbled, "Gravity is in effect here. Bring

it to me."


"It's lasagna"




Jon looked down at the table where just a second ago a pan of lasagna had sat. "Well

at least I served myself first..." He broke off at the site of his empty plate, then

yelled. "Garfield! That was my dinner too!"


Garfield smirked and called out, "Pizza delivery number is by the phone. I'll take a

large meat-lovers Jon." He set the pan of lasagna down, then reached over and flipped

his blanket out his box, uncovering his best

friend. "Pookie, look what I have for dinner. Your pizza's gonna be here soon, I had

Jon order you a large meat-lovers. What? You can't eat the entire thing by yourself

and you insist on sharing it with me? You're such a good friend."


He grinned at Pookie and reached into the pan of lasagna and scooped up a pawful.

"You don't mind if I start without you? Thanks!" He reached over and hugged Pookie in

thanks, accidentally getting him covered in lasagna. "Pookie! I told you, your pizza

would be here soon. You didn't have to start eating my dinner."


Garfield licked his paw clean while he eyed the cheese, meat and pasta covered bear.

"You know, that's a good look for you. It brings out the black in your button eyes

and the tomato sauce compliments the thread in your mouth. Pookie..." He paused for

a minute and reached out with the paw that still had lasagna on it and brushed it

against Pookie's nose. "Gasp. Oh no. Pookie, I got lasagna on your nose. I'm a bad

bad cat." Garfield cocked his head to one side, "What? You want me to clean it off?

Well if you insist. Besides, lasagna should never be wasted."


He took a step forward until he was nose to nose with Pookie. He flicked his tongue

lightly several times over Pookie's nose, until it was free of lasagna bits. When he

finished, he sat back on his haunches, "Mmmmm you taste good, Pookie. What? You want

me to clean the rest of you off too?" He grinned a Cheshire grin. "I'd love too." He

stretched out a paw, pulled Pookie to him and purred, "Have I ever told you how much

I love lasagna?" He continued to purr as he began to lick Pookie's neck and then down

his chest, his rough tongue causing the bear's fur to stand up in tufts. When he

reached Pookie's waist he stopped and stared at the area he just finished cleaning.

He reached out and stroked a paw down Pookie's chest, his claws half out, leaving

thin, slight trails in the bears fur. "You should bathe in tomato sauce from now on.

It's made your fur soooo soft."



Again he brushed his paw down Pookie's chest. He watched as the fur sprang back up

after his paw passed. A gleam entered his eyes as he stared at Pookie. His nose

twitched and his tail rose straight up in the air. He looked up and gazed into the

bear's cute button eyes, "Isn't it amazing the places tomato sauce can get into?" he

asked mischievously. Not waiting for a response, Garfield stood again and licked

Pookie on his nose then slowly licked a line down the clean furry chest of the bear,

this time not stopping at its waist. Purring loudly, he licked between the bear's

short, furry legs. The tip of his tail was twitching like crazy as he pressed his

nose against Pookie's belly. He continued to lick long strokes between the bears



Garfield's breathing quickened and the tip of his tail flicked this way and that

way. Suddenly he pulled back from Pookie and looked into his dark button eyes. He

paused, then nodded once, firmly. He pounced on top of the bear and started humping

it as he licked and nipped at its neck. Finally with a last twitch of his tail and

thrust of his hind end, Garfield stilled then collapsed on top of Pookie.


Still purring, Garfield rolled off Pookie and onto his side. He reached out with a

paw and swatted a bit of fur from one of Pookie's button eyes, then laid his head on

Pookie's shoulder. "That had to be the best lasagna I've ever had," he said contentedly.






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Chapter 2



To my not so big surprise, mom followed me inside and continued the whole

--who's got the biggest-- conversation. After about five more minutes, I

couldn't take it any longer.


"Fine!" I called out while storming to the cupboard and getting out the

measuring tape. "You want to measure our breasts?" I threw her the tape,

which she quickly caught, and stripped off mom's "favourite" sweater.

Standing in front of my mother, I shot her a challenging look and pushed

out my bra-clad chest. "Go ahead, measure them!"


This caught her somewhat of balance, she looked at me rather sheepishly for

a moment not sure on how to act next... she quickly recovered however.


"Okay... but you need to take your bra off before I can measure them."


Well, that was taking the joke a little to far in my book and I was ready

to put the sweater back on and call the whole thing off. That's when I saw

it: that little smirk on mom's face, with that triumphant look in her eyes

she often got when she felt she had won another round in the never-ending

mother/daughter battle of winning arguments.


Well, this is one round you are NOT going to win, mom! Reaching back I

unclasped my bra and led it slid down; revealing my decent-sized (if I do

say so myself) breasts.


Mom gazed at my chest with wide-open eyes; she certainly didn't expect this

from me! Her reaction didn't surprise me... I am usually kind of shy about

my body, a trait I certainly didn't inherited from my mother. She is

totally comfortable with her body and often walks around the house in her

underwear, sometimes even topless (which is how I am positive that hers are

bigger then mine). I, on the other hand, always go around fully dressed

outside the bed and bathroom. So it wasn't difficult to understand why me

stripping off my clothes (even if it was only from the waist up) took her

by surprise.


She was studying my breasts now, for what seemed like several minutes. To

my own surprise, I didn't feel shy or embarrassed. No, I actually felt kind

of proud about not backing down and making such a bold move. I was also

feeling something else... a little naughty and excited about flashing my

own mother (who by the way couldn't keep her eyes off my breasts).


Finally mom was able to look up and shot me a little smirk. "Very

impressive, Rory."


Moving closer, she whispered in my ear, "Now let's measure them, shall we?"


After saying these words, she grabbed my right breast and wound the

measuring tape around it. I gasped as the palm of her hand brushed my

nipple, which then slowly became erect. Using one hand to keep the

measuring tape in place, mom used her other hand to write my size down on a



Turning her attention back on my breasts, she released the measuring tape

and placed it across the front of my breast. Pushing down slightly, she

took the next set of measurements and wrote them down as well.


My breathing had turned a bit laboured by now and when she wrapped the tape

around both my breasts, I felt my other nipple also becoming erect.

Swallowing nervously, I shot a covert look at mom to see if she had

noticed. She had of course; grinning brightly, she winked at me. I felt

myself blush and quickly looked down, taking a deep gulp of air when I

abruptly felt her tickle my sensitive nipples.


After taking about every measurement she could from my breasts, including

the size of my nipples (they are half an inch long when fully erect) mom

was finally finished. She felt me up one last time (for good measure I

guess) and handed me the tape.


"I guess it's my turn now," she smiled and calmly took off her top.


She wasn't wearing a bra, so her firm, round breasts immediately jutted

into view... Wow! They are... magnificent! I mean, I know I've seen them

before but never like this... Besides, I didn't exactly get an opportunity

to really look at them prior to this... Sure, I shot a glance now and then

at my mom's boobs whenever she went topless, but it's not like I walked up

to her and pushed my face in-between them, or studied them up close.


But now they were right in front of my eyes and I could look at them all I

wanted... and look at them I did! The first thing I noticed was how firm

they were. Mom is already in her early thirties but her breasts didn't even

have the slightest hint of sag. Boy! I hope my breasts look like that when

I'm her age... Hell, I hope my breasts look that good when I'm my age!


"Ahem!" Mom politely coughed. Ouch! I probably shouldn't be drooling over

my mother's breasts (figuratively speaking of course!). Okay, focus Rory!

Focus at the task at hand! Which is measuring your mom's tits... Oh boy!

This is going to be more complicated then I thought...


After taking a deep breath to steady my emotions, I wrapped the measuring

tape around my mom's right boob and started repeating the actions she used

on my breasts.


I notice her nipples are already erect and lick my suddenly dry lips... Why

do I all of a sudden have a craving for milk? Maybe it's a deep-rooted

psychological need for mother's milk left over from infancy, which the

close proximity of my mother's breasts triggered... Yeah, that must be it!


Either that or I have the hots for my own mother and want to suck on her

tits. Well, that could certainly complicate my life somewhat...


As I continued measuring mom's boobs, I noticed from her heavy breathing

that my hands on her breasts affected her just as much as her hands on mine

had done. My hands started shaking and I inadvertently touched one of her

erect nipples.


She let out a sharp gasp, quickly thereafter my hand grazed her other

nipple (not so inadvertently this time). After playing a few more of these

"innocent" little pranks on her (Hey! Turnabout is fair play) I took the

other measurements.


Rather too soon for my taste, I finished taking my mom's measurements and

just like I had said before: hers are definitely bigger... Wordlessly, I

handed her the notepad and she read our measurements out loud.


"Well, it would seem that you're right and mine a slightly bigger then

yours..." she remarked.


I snorted at this. Hers were more then "slightly" bigger.


Hesitating for a few moments she continued, "Perhaps we should weigh them,

just to be sure."


We stared silently at each other, both knowing that things were starting to

get out of hand... and they were likely to get even more out of hand if we

take each other's tits into our hands.


A big part of me however wanted things to get out of hand... wanted to feel

my mother's breasts, to kiss them and caress them and take our relationship

to a level I had only thought about in my deepest and darkest fantasies.


Needing to get closer, I moved towards her... then all of a sudden our

breasts are touching!


We both moan softly as our nipples connect. We are both a bit startled at

the sudden contact and shudder a little, making our nipples scrape across

each other's breasts. At once, we start moving some more, allowing our tits

to mash together. Next think I know: we are panting loudly and rubbing our

tits against each other.


Horny as hell and not being able to resist the temptation any longer, I

grabbed her tits and felt their weight in my hands. I let my fingers fondle

every inch of my mother's full globes enjoying the feel of the soft flesh

in my hands.


It wasn't long before I felt mom following my example and I felt myself

becoming engulfed by these wonderful sensations... Her hands handling my

smaller pair, gently squeezing and caressing them while my hands did the

same to her.


Taking my nipples between two fingers, she rolled the swollen knobs between

her fingers and pinched them; a jolt of sweet pain and pleasure shot

through my body and I quickly did the same to her.


She moans softly.


Giving my nipples a few more tender pulls, she unexpectedly bends over and

takes my left nipple in her mouth and gently started sucking on it...


I groan loudly and press her head closer to my chest.


Not needing anymore encouragement she started sucking harder, occasionally

letting her tongue dance and caress across my painfully erect nipple.


"Oh god, mom! That feels sooo good!" I moan out.


While increasing her oral caressing of my left nipple, she uses a hand to

fondle and twist my right nipple.


"Oh! Oh! Ohhhhh!"


Oh Wow! I felt more aroused and excited from mom sucking on my tits, then I

have ever felt from the few masturbation sessions I had tried so far.


"Ohhhhhhh!!!" I could feel the moisture between my legs increase... Oh

God!! I never felt like this before! I think... I think... I'm going to...



"Yes, yes, YES!! Oh mom... oh mommy!! YES!! YES!! YESSSSS!!!!!" I grunted

out as I reached my orgasm and came with tremendous force.


As I finally start to come down from this all-time high, mom takes my --now

hypersensitive-- nipple between her teeth and gently bites down on it. With

stars dancing in front of my eyes, I came again and again.


Shaking on my feet, I leaned onto mom to keep myself from falling. "Oh mom,

that... that was amazing!"


"I'm glad you liked it, honey." Smiling, she kissed me tenderly on my lips.


I opened my mouth and made my tongue meet mom's; we let our tongues wrestle

with each other's... Dipping it in and out each other's mouths, gently

caressing and probing we kissed like that for almost 15 minutes.


Meanwhile, our hands were busy exploring each other's bodies. I groped my

mom's tight buns with both hands, while mom used one hand to play with my

breasts and her other hand to rub across the crotch of my jeans.


God! Mom sure knows how to use her hands! If she keeps this up, I'm going

to cum again... It suddenly occurred to me that while I had already cummed

(with multiple orgasms!), mom hasn't had any release yet. If she is even

only half as aroused as I am, then she must be dying to cum! Making my mind

up quickly, I decided to repay mom for the wonderful orgasm she had given me.


"Your turn, mom," I whispered and let myself slide down her body to my

knees. With trembling fingers, I unfastened her jeans and tried to pull

them down ("Tried" being the keyword, because they didn't go down easily).


Mom was pushing at her jeans and I was pulling, we were both red-faced and

panting heavily when they finally slid down her legs.


Looking at mom's damp panties, I smacked my lips hungrily and hooked my

fingers in the waistband and started to pull them down...


Just when her dark pubic-hair came into view, I heard a knock on the door

and we both froze.


"Rory?! Are you home?"


Oh God!! It's my friend Lane! What a lousy timing. Normally I am happy to

see her, but this wasn't one of those times!


"I'm coming in, okay?" I heard her call.


Mom and I looked at each other, and managed to convey a similar message to

each other using only a look: Put clothes back on, QUICKLY!!


I dove for my sweater (okay, mom's sweater but I'd been wearing it) while

mom pulled up her pants, which luckily went up quicker then they went down.


I pulled on my sweater in record time and just before Lane entered the

room, mom had grabbed her top and escaped into the kitchen.


"Hey, Lane!" I managed to speak out casually.


"Hey, Rory!" she smiled at me. "I thought you would be up in your room,

didn't you hear me call?"


"Erhm... No, I must have dozed off a bit."


"Are you okay?" she gave me a worried look. "You look kinda flushed."


"Yeah, I am... uh... fine."


"Good!" she smiled and sat down on the couch next to me. "I was afraid you

were getting ill. Hey, you never guess what happened to me at school today!



She stopped speaking for a moment. Lifting herself up slightly, she felt

with her hand beneath her and then raised her hand back up, holding a piece

of clothing. After examining it for a moment, she asked, "Is this your bra?"

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Hulk Hogan opened the door to his dressing room. He had just finished a strenuous match with

the dirty turncoat Sgt. Slaughter. Hulk was totally pumped up from the thunderous ovations

from the crowd that only increased in intensity as the match went on. When the Hulkster

finally dropped the Big Leg on that Iranian Dog’s fat neck, the roar from the crowd nearly

blew him away.


Hogan stripped off his awesome red and yellow wrestling trunks and his red and yellow arm and

kneepads. After throwing them into his American flag- themed gym bag, Hulk stepped into the



Suddenly, a temporal vortex opened up, and Arcee stepped out. She was fifteen feet tall and

really sexy. She took one look at the stunned Hulk Hogan, his three foot ween glowing with a

healthy orange color, and her heat sensors caused her thermal sensitive rub-sign to flush blue

in the pattern of an Autobot symbol.


After she regained her senses from her momentary wiener hypnosis, she used her seductive

metallic voice to beg a favor to the Hulkster: "Mr. Hogan, I am on an important mission from

Cobra Commander. I have been sent to collect the DNA from the greatest warriors in history, in

order to create the Ultimate Man. Could you please spare some DNA...for me?"


"WELL YOU KNOW SOMETHING, MEAN GENE?" Hulk Hogan calmly said as a spinning WWF Logo appearing




NEED TO BE ASKED TWICE!" The Hulkster flexed, and then cupped one hand to his ear. "DO YOU



Arcee squealed in delight. She slowly dimmed the power lights in one of her optic ports, and

then decreased the pneumatic pressure of her left shoulder rooter, giving the impression of a

seductive wink. She allowed her fully articulated fingers to move to the clamps holding her

breastplates on. With a loud clank, followed by the hiss of escaping air, followed by several

seconds of warning claxons going off, Arcee’s bra clunked to the floor and left a large crater

where it landed. Her humongoid tits flopped around on her chest, and they were soft and white

and totally sexy to the max.


Hulk Hogan ran up to her and started punching her in the chest. His mighty blows caused her

bulbous boobens to swing all over the place and knock together like those things that those

business dudes have on their desks with the steel balls. Arcee moaned like a fucking whore as

The Hulkster put the Tongan Death Grip on her Energon Dispenser Nozzles, twisting a pulling

them around between his fingers.


"Oh yes. Hulk. You’re making my Access Port so wet! Put your Coolant Rod inside of me!


"OKAY DUDE, NOW IT’S TIME TO FEEL THE 24 INCH PYTHON!" sexily whispered the Hulkster. After

using a 17 inch power drill to remove her thong, her spread or mobility appendages and

prepared to install Linux to her Palm Handspring. Her groovy pussy was dripping with highly

flammable lubrication formula, and it really reeked of the Kwiklube she had used the night




voice modulation unit undulated, creating a sound not unlike a horrifying bastardization of a

biological life form’s giggle.


The Technological Whore continued on, "Well, you could always insert through my waste disposal



The Hulkster didn’t need to be told twice for an opportunity like that! Giving it to a

robotic bunghole was something he’s wanted to do since Andre the Giant and He were The



Hulk Hogan inputted the 12-digit access code used to open Buttock Hinge, and he jammed his

penoy into her ass. His cock was instantly dissolved as it thrusted into a mix of toxic waste

and sharp metal shavings.


"OH YEAH BROTHER, THIS IS TOTALLY COOL DUDE!" Hogan ejaculated over 50 gallons of sperm into

her anus. She instantly popped out of the dimension, leaving Hogan to play his favorite video

game, Twisted Metal Black for the Playstation 2.

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Chapter 3



Laying on my bed with my eyes closed, I thought about all that had happened

today. With some quick thinking I had managed to explain why my bra was

lying on the couch but just when I thought I was out of the danger zone,

mom walked into the room with her top on inside out! God! My heart

practically stopped when I saw that. Luckily, Lane didn't notice it and

taking mom back into the kitchen for a moment we managed to correct that



That was pretty close though...


Speaking of mom and "pretty close", I was pretty close to having my face

buried in my mother's pussy! Unbelievable! I can hardly believe all that

has happened today...


I wonder if mom is willing to continue what we started, I doubt it

though... At the few opportunities we got to talk in private while Lane was

here, she was very silent and standoffish. I think Lane's visit shocked her

out of whatever mood she was in, so I don't think I'll be seeing her

breasts or pussy up close anytime soon.


How do I feel about that, though? Part of me is relieved that we didn't

complicate or ruin the great mother/daughter relationship we have with

actual sex. Sure, mom is hot but... she's MOM! It's not like I can suddenly

date her, can I? Still, another part of me feels regret I didn't get a

chance to taste her pussy... For some bizarre reason, I've been wondering

the entire day how she'd taste... and every time I think about the way her

hands felt on my body and my hands felt on her, I feel a shiver of

excitement course through me.


My silent pondering is suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door.


"Rory? Can... Can I come in?"


Mom... I'm glad she has decided to come and talk to me, I was afraid she'd

be avoiding me.


"Sure, come in!"


The door opened and mom stepped in the room, giving me a tentative smile

she sat down beside me on the bed.


"Hello, honey... How are you feeling?"


She looked at me so cautiously and shy that I suddenly had difficulty not

bursting into laughter. This was so unlike mom's normal behaviour!


I smiled at her. "If you mean: am I suddenly scarred for life and in need

of intensive psychological care, then you can stop worrying, mom. I am fine."


She gave me an inquisitive and somewhat doubtful look.


"Really, I am!" I assured her.


Letting out a sigh of relief, she smiled. "Great! I was afraid that what

happened today... would ruin the relationship that we have, I mean things

got out of hand and--"


"I know what you mean, mom. You don't have to worry, I am totally cool with

what happened. In fact... I kinda enjoyed it... a lot!" I shot her an

inquiring glance. "Didn't you?"


Squirming uncomfortable, she avoided my gaze. After a few moments of

silence, she said, "Even if we did... enjoy it. You understand that it

cannot happen again, it's just... not healthy."


I couldn't help feeling somewhat disappointed; I guess that even holding

society's taboo on incest in mind didn't change the fact that I am very

attracted to my mother.


"I... understand, so we just act like nothing out of the ordinary has



"Right!" mom replied in a relieved tone. "Nothing happened, just... two

gals comparing breasts."


I nodded. "Right, just two gals comparing breasts... and me having the

biggest orgasm in my entire life."


Grinning a little she responded, "Let's just stick to the first part, shall



I grinned back. "Okay, mom."


Smiling at each other, we hugged.


"I'm glad we're back to normal, how about I whip us up a first-class dinner?"


I raised my eyebrows in mock surprise. "I thought you said we're back to



"Okay, what I mean is: Pizza or Chinese?" she grinned.


"Ah! Now we're back to normal! Let's see... I could go for some pizza,

right about now."


"Pizza it is." She stood up and walked to the door.


"Oh, and by the way, mom..."




Smiling sweetly, I said, "You've got a really nice rack."


She narrowed her eyes at me and I gulped, but then a smile broke out on her

face, "Well... thanks honey, so do you." Giving me a little wink, she

turned and left the room.


I stared after her as she left. 'Mmmm, and you've got a really nice ass too...'




The End

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Why me?




1 One day kelso was lying on his bed and listing to music he was also reading a book,

when phone rang he picked it up hello? He said is this Michael kelso? A man asked yes!

We have bad news! Your parents were in car accident what? I am sorry but they died

they were killed instantly! They were tears in his eyes, thanks anyway! No problem!

Bye! Bye! Kelso burst out crying and he runned out of his house crying he got to

Eric's yard he sat near the basketball hoop and cried. Meanwhile everyone in basement

were laughing and watching TV but then Eric heard something like somebody crying he

turned off TV What is it Eric? Donna asked {they broke up 5 months ago and Eric had

a girlfriend} Honey are you okay? Jessica asked yeah I'm fine hold on! Everyone was

quiet and then they heard someone crying someone is crying1 Jessica said yeah I know

Jessie, Eric came out on yard and saw Kelso near the basketball hoop crying he came up

to him kelso? Kelso turned Eric? What's wrong Jessie asked it's nothing! It got to

be something if you are crying! Cameron said {Donna's bf} at that time kelso

girlfriend Mary came when she saw him crying she asked Babe! What's wrong? Let's go

inside Eric said ok! Come on! Mary said when they were inside kelso was crying so Mary

let him cry for a while, after he calmed down she asked so what is it? My parents..."

yes? They died in car accident today! Everyone gasped oh my! I am so sorry Mary said

hugging him then she kissed him do you feel better? A little Thanks Mary! No problem!


2 wks later


Donna broke up with her boyfriend she dated him for 7 months. Everyone was in Eric's

Basement watching TV when kelso's cell phone rang, exsume me! Eric turned TV down.

Hello? Yes what? Eric turned TV off, is she dead? Thank you anyway!


He hang up everyone saw tears in his eyes, Michael what's wrong? Donna asked he burst

out crying everyone went quiet Donna came and sat next to him he was crying

hysterically, come here! She said he did she hugged him while he cried she rocked him

in her arms while he cried in her arms, nobody said anything they sat gently, sad music

was also on, Kitty and Red came downstairs and saw Kelso in Donna's arms crying

everybody else sitting quietly and sad music is on. What is going on? Kitty asked

nobody answered after a while kelso stopped crying, what happened? Doona asked my

girlfriend died! What? How? A car hit her! He burst out crying oh I am so sorry! Then

she suddenly kissed him. Later Jessie came up to Kelso Michael I am sorry about your

girlfriend! It's okay Jessie! They hugged you been a really good friend to me Jessie!

She smiled no problem! All of we are thanks! That's what friends are for! Later kelso

and Donna were going out but kelso never forgot his parents and girlfriend who died



The end

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The secret life of Inspector Gadget

By Tito98310


Remember to review this when you are done!


[scene: Inspector Gadget (let's call him Bill for short) and Penny are at home]


Bill: How are those Pancakes coming along, Penny?


Penny: Oh, they're great, Uncle Gadget! I put blue berries in them, just like you like 'em!


Bill: Ohhhh (he closes his eyes and tilts his head down)


Penny: (Puts the plate in front of him) Is something wrong?


Bill: (throws the plate at the wall and stands forcefully) What did I say about blueberries!

Why in hell would you think they're my favorite? (grabs her arm and throws her on top of the

broken dish) I want you to lick those pancakes up! And when you're done with that, you're

gonna pick up the glass with you TEETH! GOT THAT, BRAT?!?!?


Penny: (starts to cry) B..b...but uncle Gadget! Why-


Bill: ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?!?! (he slaps Penny across the face) Do as I said, NOW!


[scene: Penny's school. She is sitting on a bench eating her lunch alone...teary eyed)


Penny: (talking to herself) Oh yay! I..I got tuna today! Yummy!


(over at some other benches)


Girl: Omigod...like.. look at that freaky little girl. She's talking to herself. Let's go...

like... make fun of her...


Girl2: all right!


(they walk over to Penny)


Girl: Like, Hi!


Penny: Hello.


Girl: Like...why is your lip bleeding...and your cheek? And your eye? and your ear?



Penny: I.. um.... umm. I was eating glass (looks down)


Girl2: Uh...hah....what a freak. Like...bye


Girl: What are you doing? Saying bye to that piece of trash? Oh...you, like, TOTALLY need

serious help.


Penny: Bye bye! (she sniffles) Oh! Ow!! (starts to cry) I have a nose bleed!

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (drops her sandwich and runs to the nurses office)


[scene: Penny walks in the door of her house]


Penny: Hi, uncle gadget!


Bill: (gets up from the chair he is sitting in and slams the door) Look what I have, PENNY!

It's your REPORT card! You got a B in calculus...CALCULUS! I bought you a god damn

calculator! How hard can that be??! And look! In your biology class you got an S!

SATISFACTORY! That doesn't mean good! (grabs penny by the arm and throws her into the



Penny: Uncle Gadget, what are you doing?


Bill: Oh...hahaha....YOU'LL see! (he runs out of the room and returns with a pair of



Penny: What are you gonna do with those?


Bill: Shut up, damn bitch! (he cuts off her pony tails and throws them in her face) Now,

will THAT get you better grades??? Probably not... with that peanutty brain YOU have!


Penny: (cries and runs to her room)


[scene: Penny's room. She's petting Brain, her dog and crying)


Penny: Oh, Brain. You're the only one-


Bill: (breaks down the door) I DON'T WANT YOU TALKING TO THAT BEAST! (he pulls out a gun

and shoots the dog)


Penny: UNCLE GADGET!! (runs to her barely living dog and bauls with sorrow) BRAIN!!

BRAIN!!!!!! Speak to me!


Bill: Get off that dog! Get off NOW! (kicks penny's face and she runs back on her bed)


Penny: U-u-u-u-uncle gadget! Why did you do it?!?


Bill: Shut up, bitch! You want the dog? HERE! TAKE YOUR DOG! (he starts to kick the dog

and it whimpers with barely any breath left) You want it now? Huh?! HUH!? ANSWER ME YOU



Penny: UNCLE GADGET! STOP! STOP IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Bill: You wanted your dog! take it! (he starts kicking the dog in the head so it's facing

penny) You stay in this room until I let you come out, UNDERSTAND?!


Penny: (Nodds)


[scene: 2 weeks later. There is a room with a starving girl and a deteriorating dog

corpse. Penny is hugging the dog, and there are signs that she has eaten parts of the dog)


Penny: (softly chanting) Brain....brain...brain...brain...


Bill: (walks in the door) I told you to leave that dog alone! Why the hell did you shit

all over?? (picks up the Penny poop and throws it in her face) You like it??? HUH?!?! Is

that what you like??!?! I TOLD YOU TO STAY OFF THE DOG! (he shoots penny in the forhead)




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Necromancers are widely known to be the hardest type of character to play. They do far

less damage than the other classes, and take a much longer time to kill bosses than

almost any build, of any class imaginable. And yet many still regard them to be the most fun...


Cookie-cutter javazon: "hey necro" ::firing at a group of cows::

Myself: "Yeah? You can call me Addraek..."


I said while casting Amplify and Attract on the groups he was firing at, as well as

Corpse Explosion.


Cookie-cutter javazon: "need amp"

Myself: "Er.. alright."


I was already casting Amplify and Attract, so I decided to make it a little more obvious

for this person by casting more often. I also ignored the fact that he just called me

‘necro’ instead of my name.


Cookie-cutter javazon: *no response*


Flash to 5 minutes later. I am tagging along like a rag-doll in the underarm of a child,

and see a Sorceress attacking a group of cows. I toss Lower Resist onto them and CE one or

two cows. Then I continue slaving to the javazon because I’m sure he’ll begin to -


Cookie-cutter javazon: "need amp, b****"

Myself: "...I was helping our casters with LR"

Cookie-cutter javazon: "st*u help me necro"


...And yet many still disrespect Necromancers for no apparent reason.


My name is Ross, and I play my level 80 Necromancer on USEast ... Addraek - and consider him

to be my favorite of all the characters I’ve played. He is my most successful Necromancer

build to date, keeping in mind I do not use the cookie-cutter techniques found both in the \

game and on the Internet. By successful I mean he can kill creatures in Hell.


One of the problems of Diablo II that never ceases to amaze me is the lack of player to

player respect other people have on Battle.Net. It always seems like wherever I go as

Addraek, there is at least one person being obnoxious, laughing at me in chat, or being

rude like the javazon above. And this has stayed true for the other Necromancers

that I have played. All 22 of them. I have become accustomed to being a scapegoat,

being prejudiced, and being treated unfairly in a game. I know that many other

Necromancers experience this and I still see no reason for it.


It has to stop.


"It’s only a game, man"

"don’t take it so seriously."


The above is the very overused and unfortunate excuse I’ve seen people make to both myself

and other Necros. There are many places where prejudging has worked. One of them was the

Southern US in the 1950s. Others were the concentration camps scattered around Eurasia in the

late 30s and early 40s.


The fact that it is a game does not excuse the fact that it is equally as upsetting and

hurtful as it is in real life. Period. Perhaps it won’t get somebody to commit suicide, or

to call the police on someone. But it is definitely unnecessary.


I am writing this to reach out to people who don’t realize just how much what they say affects

people or what they don’t say. I am also writing this to other people in the Diablo II

community who have experienced unfairness as a Necromancer and want to make B.Net a nicer

place to hang out.


In order to fix this problem, all we need to do is stand up for people who are being

treated unfairly. A "Dude, be quiet," or an "Is that really necessary?" is all we need.

It is as simple as that.


And on another note, I will be writing another article (what I was going to write initially)

a guide to playing a Necromancer and actually enjoying it.


Hope you all have been enlightened.




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