ZH: Scaffold Match

[Patty O'Green 0]

Having no need for entrance music of any sort, the superpowered Biff Atlas emerges onto the stage wearing long gold tights with blue and red ribbon pattern. The fans give him a warm reception, and he returns the favor by slapping hands on his way down the asile.

BUFFER
The following contest is the [b][i]first ever[/i][/b] scaffold match in OAOAST History! The winner will be the first person to push his foe over the edge! Now making his way to the ring, from Venice Beach, California, he is BIIIIFFFFFFFFF ATLASSSSSS!

COLE
Super powered or not, believe what you will, but Biff Atlas is an inspiration to a lot of our OAOAST Marks.

COACH
Because they're all losers to?

COLE
No because, you can overcome your fears and your hangups to achieve something great and be proud of yourself. 

Biff climbs the ladder to reach the scaffold. Once there he throws up his arms, to a joyful response from the OAOAST Marks.

COACH
I don’t get it. If this dude can fly like he says he can, why he need the ladder to get up stage.

[color="#FF0000"]I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls!
When I come crashing down and its throbbing deep inside
I’ll leave you wetter than a flood tide
I gotta bend you over that’s how I like to ride![/color]
[color="#0000FF"]I date a girl who whips my hide
And my 12 inches is my greatest pride
I am a Real American Dick! Exploding on the face of every woman! I am Real American Dick! Suck on my balls, till I cum like Niagara falls![/color]

"Womanizer" by Britney Spears replaces the most vulgar entrance tune in the OAOAST, as Mister Dick slides through a downpour of golden pyro. Attired in white chaps, and matching speedo swim turnks, Mister Dick’s body glistens with the beauty of the shimmering baby oil. Malaysia runs her hands across his well muscled body, herself wearing bikini bottoms and a matching black corset.  

BUFFER
And the opponent, from San Antonio, Texas, he weighs in at two hundered thirty six pounds, he is a former OAOAST Tag Team Champion and represents the Deadly Alliance. Accompanied by Malaysia Nerdly, he is THE HUMAN HARD ON MISTER DICK!

COLE
The Cocky Prick, The Urban Cowboy, call him what you will, but he marches into one of the most dangerous matches in pro wrestling history. And later tonight he will be a lumberjack for the world title contest.

Mister Dick slides into the ring, where he begins furiously pumping his crotch into the canvas. Behind Malaysia lashes his firm BUTT with her prized whip.  Once that concludes he makes his way up the ladder to the platform.

COLE
A thin wooden plank, hanging by a thread, resting over two ladders. That’s what these two have gotten themselves into.

DING DING DING

Biff bounces back and forth on his heels, waving Mister Dick towards him. The Human Hard On finds his jubilation almost incomprehensible. He wonders how one man can find joy when there’s a very good chance they could both fall to their doom. He decides not to voice his thoughts and only tells Biff to shut up..

COLE
This match was Mister Dick’s idea but Biff looks more at home.

Mister Dick manages a broad smile, for reasons that are all to apparent when he takes his steel belt off and brandishes it at Biff. Fearless and intent on defeating MD, Biff launches himself through the slashing off the belt. As he tackles the taller man, they both slam down onto the wooden surface causing an intense vibration.

COACH
That thing could break beneath them, Mikey. It ain’t safe! 

COLE
Its one of the most dangerous matches in sports entertainment. 

The two men punch grapple and kick at each other atop a plank suspended numerous feet above the ground. They fire off furious strikes as they roll dangerously close to oblivion. Mister Dick is able to shove Biff off from top of him, which leads him to hunt down his belt. But Biff dropkicks him and sends him skidding forward. The path almost takes Mister Dick off the edge, but he’s able to scurry back to safe ground with the aid of his powerful legs.

COLE
That was close!

Luck begins to change for Mister Dick, as he’s able to recover his belt. Biff backs away warily, wanting to know piece of Mister Dick and his dangerous weapon.

“PENCIL DICK! PENCIL DICK! PENCIL DICK!”

Lashing out in anger, Mister Dick strikes Biff dead in the face with the belt. Blood trickles down Biff’s cheeks, and the situation goes from bad to worse when Mister Dick spears him to the ground.  The Cocky Prick immediately begins attempting to slide Biff off the scaffold.

“BIFF! BIFF! BIFF!”

COLE
Our Pittsburgh OAOAST Marks getting right behind Biff Atlas, and I wouldn’t mind being behind Biff either :lol:   

While the two men exchange blows, Biff finds himself tiring under the weight of the baby oiled brawler. Struggling to break free he catches one punch and then another. Rocked by the impacts of the blows, Biff staggers backwards, slips, and goes over the edge. At the last instant he manages to desperately catch onto the edge of the platform. 

COLE
Is this the end for Biff Atlas?

Biff hangs close to one of the ladders and tries to swing himself to one, but has little luck.

COACH
If he can fly, it shouldn’t be no issue if he falls or not. Look at the fraud hanging on for dear life. You can’t fly! You can’t fly!

Biff only just manages to avoid the booted foot of Mister Dick that descends towards one hand. Amused and relaxed, the Texas A&M alum takes his lesiurley time in bringing down the boot upon Biff. Guessing correctly , Biff shifts his hand to one side narrowly avoiding the oncoming crunch. Mister Dick quickly grows frustrated and vows not to miss the next time.  Unfortunately for him there may not be a next time, as Biff uses a free hand to yank his boot from beneath him. The Human Hard On falls back onto scaffold with a loud oomph following his fall.

“YEAAAAAAA!“

COLE
What does Biff have in mind here?

Using all the strength in his 5’9 body, Biff tugs and drags Mister Dick ever closer to the edge. 

MISTER DICK
Let me go! Let me go, ya sonovabitch!

COACH
Come on, Jock, fight back!

Mister Dick does just that, firing his free foot at Biff. But the pocket sized powerhouse uses boxer like head movement s to avoid the strikes. Now greatly panicked, Mister Dick digs his nails into the wooden plank However, Biff keeps pulling and pulling, inching Mister Dick ever closer to the edge. 

MISTER DICK
Ah shit!

“BIFF! BIFF! BIFF!” Pittsburgh chants.

“BEEP BOP BOO BEEP BEEP BOP” the lone robot in the arena chants.

Unaware to both Mister Dick and Biff is Malaysia wielding her trusty whip, climbing up the ladder.

COLE
Somebody has to get her down from there! She doesn’t belong!

Biff quickly becomes aware of her presence, but only because her whip takes a bite out of his backside. Coupled with Mister Dick kicking at his face and he’s in a miserable predicament.

LASH!
LASH!
LASH!

COLE
Someone stop her!

LASH!
LASH!
LASH!

The whips cut through Biff’s back, and weaken him severely. Joined with Mister Dick’s kicks this attack wreaks havoc on Biff’s grip.

COACH
Its gonna end soon!

Finally Biff Atlas tumbles past Malaysia, beginning his unfortunate journey to the ring. But Biff spreads his “wings” and lets his graceful power of flight take over…

[b]SPLAAAAAAAAAAT![/b]

“OHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Apparently Biff’s power of flight might have run into a bit of problem with a little thing called gravity.  Biff lies face down on the canvas, motionless, breathless, and perhaps in a world of pain.

BUFFFER
Your winner…..MISTER DICK!

The crowd lets their negative opinion be heard as Malaysia fondles the lower regions of the celebrating Mister Dick’s body.

A referee slides into the ring to check on Biff’s possibly injured condition.  What he finds is Biff smiling in the face of defeat.

“I…I…I..SURVIVED THE FALL! That fall should’ve killed me! But I’m alive! Do you know what this means? Can you imagine the possibilities? Invulnerability?  Regeneration? I must tell Vinny!”

With those comments made, Biff  makes a mad dash to the back to share his good news with Vinny.