Anglesault DVD Review

[Guest Anglesault]

Valentine

Cast: David Boreanez (Adam)

Denise Richards (Paige)

Katherine Heigl (Shelly)

Marley Sheton (Kate)

Jessica Cauffiel (Lily)

Jessica Capshaw (Dorothy)

Various Red Herrings that no one believed for a second

Review (Spoilers)

Jesus Fucking Christ what a bad movie. The movie starts with a flash back to 1988 where the five girls are at a Junior High Valentines Day Dance. Except this is the little know "Retards Valentine's Day" where you wear costumes. Anyway, the class nerd goes from girl to girl asking to dance and gets rejected by each one (Bitches) except Kate who says "Maybe later" and Fatass Dorothy who ends up making out with him under the bleachers. The jocks find this out ad Dorothy says she was attacked. Apparently the nerd is a pervert, so the jocks believe this. He gets "Carrie"d with punch, stripped and beaten. We later find out he was institutionalized. When he got out he burned his parents house down. ANYWAY, fast forward thirteen years to the girls as "mature" adults with vaguely defined jobs. Newly thin Dorothy appears to be rich. Paige and Lily are man-eaters. Kate is on again off again with Adam. Dorothy is going out with a Red herring named Campbell. Shelly doesn't seem to matter. We begin the movie with Shelly, a coroner, working on a cadaver. Usual horror movie hijinks cause her to leave the room and find a Valentines card that tells her she will die. She foolishly goes back into the room with the body to discover it breathing. She panics and of course when she turns around again the body is gone. Usual chase, stupid bitch runs from slow moving stalker, this time wearing a cherub mask. She runs into a fucking morgue (!) and hides in a BODY BAG. Dumb bitch deserved to die. We start the trend of Cherub Guy getting a nosebleed every time someone dies, just like nerd boy did when he was humiliated. We cut to the chase as Cherub Man finds her bag and slits her throat. YAY! Funeral, standard mourning (lasts almost to the end of the funeral). Bitches get over it soon enough. Soon they too are threatened by Cherub guy. Dorothy gets a threatening Valentine. Lily gets maggot chocolates. Kates water cuts off in the middle of a shower, as it is apparent Cherub is in the apartment. Her investigation leads her to the mask in an elevator. None of this seems to phase the girls. They end up going to an art exhibit so Lily can boink the artist in the art (a maze). Lily gets upset when she finds out that the artist wanted it to be a three-way. She storms off through the maze, failing to notice the doors closing behind her. She finally realizes something is amiss when the lights start turning off. She turns into Cherub Guy who shoots her with three arrows and she falls through a screen, down a stairway and into a dumpster. Bye, Bye Lily. Funny thing is that no one notices nor do they seem to care that Lily is missing. Friends suck. Officer Middle Aged Horny Cop, who has the hots for Paige, then questions bimbos One through Three. We now find out that the Brain Crew thinks Lily is in LA. While this is happening, Cherub Guy kills Kate's transvestite neighbor who is in Kates apartment (Lock your damned door!) trying on her underwear. He uses and iron like an uhm, large blunt instrument that you bludgeon people with. When the girls get home, Dorothy asks her conniving evil boyfriend to light the Pilot light. Cherub Guy sneaks up on him and axes him. Once again, no one gives a shit that he is missing, except maybe Ruthie, who Campbell cheated in the past. Ruthie shows up several times and tries to convince Dorothy that Campbell is evil. Anyway, the three remaining girls make the classic horror movie mistake. They throw a party. We NOW learn that Adam is an alky. Kate dumps him. Paige goes upstairs with a total stranger who wants her to wax it. She ties him up and pour candle wax on his no-no spot. She then realizes that she has lived to long, and decides to walk off by herself and get into a hot tub. Ruthie shows up uninvited and gets kicked out. No one actually sees her out though, and she sneaks into Dorothys room and goes through her shit. Cherub Guy shows up and shows and chases her around. They end up in some room that doesnt in anyway resemble a bathroom, but has a shower. C-Guy throws her through the glass door. She hits her face on the showerhead. Cherub Guy impales her on the glass. In a cute detail, her blood forms a Valentine's Heart on the floor. Back at the party, Office MAHC has to come to the party because a suspect was released. Meanwhile, we find Paige in the hot tub. Cherub Guy shows up, but when Paige turns to meet him he is not there. She turns back and find a rose. Instead of running, she looks for Cherub Guy. He finds her, crushes the rose, and shoves her into the tub. He closes the top, magically produces a God Damned POWER DRILL, pops holes in the lid and her shoulder, and throws it into the pool and electrocutes her. This blows a fuse and the party clears out. Dorothy bitches Kate out over Kate supposedly not wanting The Fat Cow to get a boyfriend and storms off. Kate then realizes that Officer MAHC should have showed up. She calls his phone and (gasp) you can hear the ring outside. She follows the ring to a fountain where she finds the phone and a mannequins head! Oops, apparently Cherub guy at some undefined point beheaded Officer MAHC. Kate comes back in and finds Adam totally smashed. She finally notices his large "I'm the Killer" sign. He asks her to dance with him in a throwback to nerd boy. She lures him in and then kicks him in the nuts. She runs in circles finding various dead bodies until Adam catches up again. She smashes a bottle over his head and makes another classic mistake; she runs upstairs. Cherub Guy jumps on her and they both fall down the stairs. This knocks Cherub guy out. Adam shows up and shoots the hell out of CG. They unmask him and find Dorothy. However, in a SHOCKING twist, as Adam consoles Kate, he has a nose bleed.

 

DVD Specials

 

Cast and Crew: The damn thing doesn’t even have the whole cast’s filmographies.

Trailer: Blah

Director Commentary: The guy has an annoying as hell Australian accent. In an annoying detail, he answers all the questions the movie should have.

Music Video: the only redeeming quality in the whole movie.

 

Analysis: Really awful. OK to rent, just to see how bad it is. I cannot stress how bad this movie is, so do not, I repeat do not buy this move. That being said, I expect to hear from all of you after you have bought it.

 

Anglesault signing out.

[Guest dreamer420]

agreed. valentine fucking sucked.

[Guest C.H.U.D.]

I agree, it was crap.

 

*SPOILERS*

 

For anyone who has seen the movie, there is no way in fucking hell that the "real killer" was the same actor in the cherub costume. It was obviously some stuntman, cuz the "actor" was like a foot taller and 60 pounds heavier. Not having the real actor dress as the killer is total cheese.

[Guest dreamer420]

i actually had to sit through this movie because my girl at the time was a huge angel mark and was in love with David Boreanez. worst four bucks i ever spent renting a dvd.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Hmmmm.... maybe some time down the line I should rent this for a "An Exercise in Poor Taste" column. I have to admit the idea of someone being killed by a cherub-masked psycho shooting them with arrows sounds appealing, and all it takes is that ONE redeeming factor/scene for me to have column material... hmmmmm....

[Guest dreamer420]

as long as you are prepared for crap when you rent it you should be good. it is pretty damn gory if you like that.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Saw it in the theater, twice...though once it was because I got in for free (friend works at the local theater.)

 

Still went out and bought it when it came out.

 

It won't win any awards (at least not any good ones), but I thought it was a good B-rate horror movie. Certainly better than some pap put out there these days. I actually heard rumors of a sequel that would "explain everything", but I'm not sure if/when that's going to be released.

[Guest Anglesault]

When Hell freezes over.

[Guest Mattdotcom]

Oh, please review more movies Anglesault. Like Freddie Prinze Jr. movies...

[Guest Anglesault]

Huh?

[Guest bps "The Truth" 21]

The book Valentine was actually pretty good.

 

Of course it had pretty much nothing to do with the movie it spawned.

 

But the book was interesting and was written with a great twist.

[Guest Shaved Bear]

do a review of wing commander

[Guest Anglesault]

Of what?

[Guest Shaved Bear]

a movie that is

A) starring freddie prinze jr.

B) about a video game

[Guest Zack Malibu]

The book Valentine was actually pretty good.

 

Of course it had pretty much nothing to do with the movie it spawned.

 

But the book was interesting and was written with a great twist.

I heard the same thing, so I bought the book not long after the movie was released. I made it through the first few chapters, but then the book got buried in a box of stuff one day while clearing out my room. I'll have to dig it up so I can finish it.

[Guest Ripper]

The funny thing is, when you watch that movie, the Killer actually HAD to be Dorothy. I can't remember the exact parts nor-do I want to rent it again to point them out, but some parts in the movie, it was IMPOSSIBLE for David Boreanz to have done the killings. They even through in the part of the Killer...um...killing the maid that Dorothy didn't like. She was obviously the killer and they changed the ended, because after having the 7'2" guy as the stuntman/killer, they knew it would be even more unbelievable.

 

But I would still watch this movie 10 more times before I see jeepers Creepers again.

[Guest MarvinisaLunatic]

Ohh. At some point, when Im bored, I can review "The Wrestler" staring Ed Asner, Lord James Blears, Superstar Billy Graham, Dick Murdoch, Dusty Rhodes and Verne Gagne!

A 3 Dollar EBay special, although they didnt do anything but put the old movie on a DVD, no spiffying up, no extras..