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The Bachelor Party

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Hawk 34


The Bachelor Party


So yesterday was the bachelor party and it wasn’t really all that bad, at least better then I had anticipated.


Originally, the plan was round of golf, Reds game, dinner, strip club. However, the head guy in charge was under the impression that the Reds had an afternoon game yesterday, that wasn’t the case. So plans were slightly altered but not significantly. Instead of meeting for golf early, we pushed our tee time back to 12:50. This allowed me to take my usual Thursday morning classes and since the campus is only 15 minutes away from the course, it wasn’t an inconvenience to me or anyone.


Involved in this event were myself, my sister’s fiancé (Josh), his father(a nice guy all in all but too much effort trying to be “one of the guys”, but he covered the entire thing), Josh’s two cousins, Mike and Ryan, his co-worker Jones(never got his first name) and Josh’s best man, Grant. The problem for me was aside from not knowing any of these guys aside from my brother in law (a term I still can’t verbally say) was that I was the youngest and only one not married. 5 married guys to one young punk kid.


First was golf, Grant’s father apparently was a top guy at this “upscale private club” but if you ask me, this course didn’t seem any different from the public course down the street from me. The only difference was the pungent aroma of arrogance and thievery. Let’s be clear that I hate Golf.


As a viewer, and especially as a player, this was only the second time that I played a round of golf that didn’t involve a magical castle and a windmill. I was shocked how I played, especially compared to these other supposed avid golfers. That being said, the old man killed us and deservedly so. The problem with Golf, in my mind is that it forces you to communicate because there is a lot of down time in the process. That’s the number one reason I hate this sport, it’s 90% walking, 5% analyzing and 5% action. So with four married guys busting on Josh about getting married, I was obviously uncertain how to act but eventually you figure it out. You gotta find an “in” and things become less awkward. By the 10th hole, things were going smoothly. We finished up and headed to the clubhouse where we had a few sandwiches and drinks. This lasted a couple hours and I hate to admit it, but I was enjoying it. Sure, they were obnoxious but that was a part of the clubhouse charm, I suppose.



We decided that we all had a vested interest in the Miami/Pittsburgh game, so since my place was the only open place that night…that’s where w headed to watch the game as we grilled steak and they all had some beers. This was good for me because I had an Art Concepts test this morning and I wanted to study. At the tail end of the game, we gathered up and headed to a strip club not too far from us. I’ve covered my feelings on strip clubs before but I’ll say it again…


I get it, but seriously, what is so damn appealing about a woman dancing nakedly in front of you? While these girls were all above average, there’s a deluge of higher quality girls at school who walk around just as teasingly in tight shorts and reveling tops that leave much more to the imagination.


That being said, I did enjoy watching the others continue to drink themselves stupid and loved watching them convert into human ATM’s, I’m proud to say that I kept my money in my wallet. I pay enough money on girls as it is, at least there the possibility of sex is 100% greater and desired.


In regards to the strippers themselves, the highlight was my brother in law dancing on stage with the “Lovely Mariella”; unfortunately I left my cell at the house. So no incriminating pictures exist. I left the table and headed to the back and struck up a cordial conversation with the club owner, who surprisingly was less sleazy then I had imagined. Here’s the clue in strip club “adventures”, girls will usually target the quiet ones. Why? They are more likely to be cautious and willing to hold onto their money for the bigger prize, instead of the guy’s right up against the stage. The real main event acts aren’t the ones on stage. Despite my persistence, a particular dancer by the name of Heather (tall, blonde and well enhanced) kept “seducing” me. It took her some time to get the hint but eventually she stopped with the hard sell.

It was there she dropped the act and just sat with me at the bar and we just had a casual conversation. Meanwhile, I kept a close eye on my comrades and I figured they had all they could take. Of course, I was the lone sober fool. Somehow, I roped them into the car and I took each one of them straight home.


Today is the rehearsal dinner extravaganza. That should be fine; I always enjoy a fine meal that isn’t on my bill. What’s weird is though is that I’m starting to feel awkward about the idea of my sister getting married. I’m happy for her but it’s strange to know that in just under 36 hours from now…her identity changes.


The wedding should be interesting though, as I’m flying solo (although I considered asking an ex but figured against that). I’ve said many times that weddings are the best places to meet someone and I’ve been informed that the quality will be nice but I’m not looking to fuck some random girl, at least for right now. If the timing is right and the mood is set, then yes, wedding sex is on.


Before the drinking started, Josh asked me about writing the vows and knowing that I am a pretty damn good writer with impeccable ability to say the right things, he confided in me about his fear of writing these vows, and typical male that he is, he had waited ‘til the night before. Love is the one thing that is easiest to write about…but hardest to express. All I could say is that “Love isn’t an empty truth…’. He truly loves my sister and I’m fairly confident that he’ll know the words when the time comes.


Now, that leaves me to be the last in the whole family to be unmarried. That’ll be the hot topic at the reception, me being next in line. You just gotta fake a smile and play along with the game.


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