TAKE THE BIGGEST GUY IN THE WORLD, SHATTER HIS KNEE AND HE'LL DROP LIKE A STONE

So, today, ESPN.com finally unveiled the new Sports Guy column to the unwashed masses of bloodthirsty Colts fans, many whom may have been circling the web page, waiting for blood to stain the waters. And, after a week of partying at the Super Bowl

location, building up anticipation for the big game and casually dismissing the Colts, Simmons finally turns in his response to the big game: a college basketball blog.

7. Greg Paulus is Duke's Rex Grossman -- he can look good for stretches, but it's only a matter of time before he self-destructs (like this game's 5-for-17 performance). And yes, Grossman was so bad in the Super Bowl that we'll be using him in sports analogies for years and decades to come.

I don't even know if you can call this "weaksauce." Has "lamesauce" made it into the internet vernacular yet? Well, whatever the case, simply choose a pejorative, preferably one that implies sexual inadequacy and/or inimitible cowardice, and you'll be set for reading this column, which may be one of the absolute worst he's penned in a long, long time.

Seeing Simmons retreat from the Super Bowl result that he so obviously didn't want to see is sad enough in itself, but to watch him decide, all of a sudden, that he's going to be a college basketball analyst (and a poor one at that) after years of ambivalence towards college sports could be a new low, even for a guy who recently dedicated an entire column to assuring us that our culture is undeniably flawed for not celebrating the New England Patriots.

(And, apparently, Greg Oden isn't the next Bill Russell. Thanks for clearing that up, Mrs. Durant.)

WHY IS THIS WEEKEND PARTY MUSIC MAKING MY EARS BLEED

Thanks to the release of Friend Opportunity, I've found myself on a renewed Deerhoof kick, scrambling to find the various and sundry recordings that I haven't heard to this point. Reveille is still on the to-do list (Apple O is where I started with them), but I did happen to stumble onto a cut from their Untitled EP, which was apparently a free download from the KRS website at one point. The track is a cover of My Bloody Valentine's "Lose My Breath" from Isn't Anything and it's not too bad at all.

Thanks to some tuning issues on the guitar (which are perhaps intentional), the verse of the song manages to be even more dissonant than the divisive cacophony of the original. So much so, in fact, that the wheels almost fall off right on the outset - the vocal veers sharp throughout, unsure of where to stand tonally, and the guitars clang from note to note with all the grace of a cheap-ass Strat copy.

But, when they come to the chorus, Deerhoof finds the sweet spot, Matsuzaki's voice gliding perfectly across the guitar, pure and clean. And, by the time the drums and bass fully make their way into the soundscape, Deerhoof has kicked into a sensation missing from the MBV original, coming awfully close to swaying, emotional, torch-bearing rock. It never quite reaches that height again for the remainder of the playthrough, but it still comes across as a worthy and interesting take, regardless.

(If the attachment worked appropriately, you should be able to check it out from this blog post. Be warned: you really should not confuse this track with the Destiny's Child hit from a few years ago.)

Weekend, everybody.