Wow, this is older than me. Full review this time, and if I'm feelin' it, same for One Night Only tomorrow or Tuesday. If I'm not feelin' it, a truncated version will have to do.

Gorilla and Jesse on commentary, thank goodness. Can't stand when they edit Jesse out of these...

1st match, "Leaping" Lanny Poffo v. Iron Mike Sharpe.

Prematch: ....

Blow-by blow: Sharpe wants the ring announcer to introduce him as the Best Canadian something or other, so they re-do his ring entrance. No poem from Lanny, for shame. 2 minutes of wasted time and a monkey flip and three dropkicks starts it off for Poffo, a quick kip-up, and a cross-body gets two. Poffo's a house of fire, so he gets three arm drags and Sharpe reverses the arm-wringer into a head scissor. Poffo stands on his head, does some gay split-legged, bicycle riding shit, and gets out of the scissor. Some SLOW armwork by Sharpe leads to a hammerlock reversal by Poffo, and Sharpe breaks it. Poffo gets an enziguri, they brawl on the outside as this just feels like a draw, and Poffo gets a sunset flip for one on his way in, as the ref counts SLOW AS FUCK. Speed that shit up, son. Punches for 2 minutes (yes, I timed these times which seem randomly arbitrary, and they aren't random so nyah), and Sharpe misses an ugly dropkick. Real ugly. Poffo does a front flip off the top for a slow 2, then a standing front flip onto Sharpe for another 2 count, and then a standing MOONSAULT IN 1985! for 2 more. Seems like a build to a finish, but Sharpe kills that with a knee and shoulderblock, Poffo gets a small package on a bodyslam reversal for 2, another cradle for 2 and the "20 minute" time limit expires at around 17 minutes. Poffo gives Sharpe a small beating at the end and Sharpe bails to the back.

Match analysis: I can't stand time-limit draws, and this was no exception. They screwed around for about 10 minutes and brought some good stuff at the end. To be kind, I'll give them **.

2nd match, Rene Goulet v. King Tonga.

Prematch: Goulet is the man with the GLOVE OF SHINING DIAMONDS, but he removes said glove and brings out a bowling glove. Huh? King Tonga is Haku, btw. Obviously...

Blow-by-blow: Stalling (sigh), and Tonga gets a beel as Goulet stops screwing around. A takedown, arm-wringer and strikes follow, as Tonga gets punched in the head to stop it. But Islanders have hard heads, see; as Jesse points out, so it doesn't affect King Tonga. Boring chant gets started (and I don't blame them), and Tonga gets a snapmare for two. Whip in and Goulet gets a pretty good clothesline in on Tonga, and Goulet applies THE CLAWWWWW. More boring chants. Goulet grabs something out of his tights and whaps King Tonga upside his head with it. Goulet then bites him, and applies the claw. Haku Tonga breaks it up with some karate strikes, and throws Goulet into the turnbuckle for a Flair Flip. A back suplex from Tonga gets two, but a nice superkick and crossbody from the top finishes for King Tonga at 9:33. I did some fact checking on the times, but I like mine better.

Match analysis: Sucked, no heat, boring, sucked, no heat. Goulet is obviously near the end of the line at this point. 3/4*.

3rd match, Moondog Spot[/i ] v. [i]Corporal Kirchner.

Prematch: Spot's holding a bone and I like Kirchner's music. The beret is sorta ghey.

Blow-by-blow: Kirchner starts off with a dropkick to send Spot out, as soon as Spot gets back in, his ass eats an atomic drop to send him back out. Kirchner gets an armdrag and legdrop on the right arm and puts some more work in. Spot breaks it up with a knee to the head, but Kirchner sends him into the corner for a monkey flip. Now Kirchner starts working on the left (I absolutely can't stand when someone does this) arm and Kirchner says forget it, and gives him some shoulder and a crossbody for 2. They wind up on the floor, and Spot throws Kirchner into the barricade, knocking the barricade over. I liked that part. Chinlock on the inside from Spot, power out by the Cpl, and both guys miss elbows, a nice sunset flip by Kirchner gets two. A small dead period here, and when it's done, Spot comes off the 2nd rope with a fist to the head of Kirchner. Back to the chinlock...then a stomachbreaker by Moondog Spot. Back to the chinlock....and Kirchner starts his comeback. Hiptoss, another monkey flip, and a double clothesline to kill it. I got the feeling there was going to be a draw, but Spot tries a slam and it's reversed into a cradle by Corporal Kirchner for the fall at 14:51.

Match analysis: If you haven't noticed, I know how to make shitty matches sound decent. This one was terrible. Another 3/4*.

4th match, Swede Hanson vs. The Missing Link!!!!!

Prematch: I have a confession to make. I've never, EVER seen a Missing Link match. Hopefully I won't be disappointed.

Blow-by-blow: Headbutts by Link, 2 backrakes by Missing Link, 3 backslaps by Link, and another headbutt by The Missing Link to start out. Punchy, kicky and a headbutt for Swede. Missed headbutt by Link, but he gets an elbow drop and another headbutt. Then a springboard headbutt for Link, and on his way back up, Swede gives him a nutshot and a scoop slam. Some legwork on Link's left leg, and a knee lift as he gives up the legwork. Link headbutts him some more, and The Missing Link hits a headbutt off the 2nd rope to finish at 5:35.

Match analysis: Ugh. Color me disappointed. Nothing but headbutts. DUD.

The 5th match is for the WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION BAH GAWD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD. The challenger is King Kong Bundy w/Jimmy Hart and the champion is HULK MF HOGAN.

Prematch: Danny Davis is the ref, and he's sporting a nice little fro. King Kong Bundy is looking decidedly less mean than he did in months afterward, and it's always weird (for me anyway) to see Hart not wearing a special jacket for his charge. Hulk Hogan comes out to a freakin' gigantic pop, probably one of the 5 loudest and longest. I've heard for him. They love him in Boston. Hogan's wearing white, and I believe we all know what that means. If you don't, you will. Hogan's also American Made. The only things I dislike about the houseshows are the lack of rambling promos in the prematch, and Hillbilly Jim. I hate Hillbilly Jim. Anyway.

Blow-by-blow: Hulk's the irresistable force meeting the immovable object, as he gets a big head of steam and runs into Bundy. Bundy doesn't move the first time, so Hulk decides he's going to give him a knee lift for his pleasure the second time 'round and knocks Bundy down quick. Hogan tries to slam Bundy, but it fails and Bundy falls on him for a close two. Big elbow drop by Bundy and Bundy gives him a splash for two. Hogan gets up and gives Bundy some head smashes into the turnbuckle, a whip to the other side and Hogan gives him a HUGE clothesline to put Bundy's fatass on the ground. Bundy catches Hogan in the gut as Hogan's about to go to work, and King Kong takes Hulk over. He chokes him and goes to a chinlock. Hogan powers out quickly and attempts a wristlock reversal. It goes well for a few seconds, but Bundy clocks him, snapmare's Hogan over, an elbow drop and back to the chinlock. Quick break again leads to a bearhug that eats up a minute of the match. The star ratings come off, because the match was really goin' up to this point. Monsoon calls Hulk Hogan, "the People's Champ (now where have I heard that?)." A fake Hulk-up gets Hogan a clothesline and kneedrop for his troubles. Cover gets two, as Bundy decides it's time to finish things up. Whip into the turnbuckle and Bundy goes for the Avalanche. He nails it, but the big splash afterward only gets 2. Another Avalanche and an elbowdrop gets 2, and it's Hulk-up time. 3 punch, boot, Bundy doesn't go down, running elbow, and the atomic drop is what gets Bundy down. Hart finally gets involved and eats the power of Hulkamania. He gets on the apron again and tosses the megaphone to Bundy. Megaphone shot leads to a DQ for Bundy and Hogan retains his title at 8:58. Hogan does a decent blade-job (that's why he was wearing white, btw) cleans out the ring, does some posing and that's that. The crowd is dead from here, just as they were dead before this match.

Match analysis: I loved it. Heat was off the charts, and the time of the rest holds was kept to a minimum. No doubt MOTN, **1/4 for the affair. Got Bundy over as a threat (because Hogan never hit the legdrop, and never had a chance to, at that), and next month's show in Boston finished what was started in September. I feel bad for whoever stayed after this.

6th match, SD Jones v. Adrian Adonis.

Prematch: This is before Adrian's gay gimmick, as he comes to the ring wearing biker garb. It hides his fat well, as one can see when it is disposed of. He's gigantic. He has the Yankees logo on his boots, getting over the whole, "from Hell's Kitchen" thing.

Blow-by-blow: Adonis swings his belt at SD, and SD somehow gets it back, but he doesn't take a swing although Adonis turns his back and vacates. They trade hammerlocks as Jones takes him over, but Adonis gets up and gives him a shoulderblock and nice drop toe hold. Starts with the legwork, but Jones hits a monkey flip and an armdrag as there's a disturbance in the crowd. They trade punches for a bit to let the commotion die down, and Adonis does an Albert type slingshot/decapitation into the ropes and SD sells the neck well. Adonis won't let SD in unless it's the hard way, and the hard way is a suplex in by Adonis. It gets a 2 count. Goodnight Irene for Jones, but it's not over as Jones does the babyface powerup. SD gives Adonis a nice Special Delivery headbutt, then he delivers big ol' Adrian into the ropes and Adonis does a nice tie-up spot. I've never seen that one before. It was a backflip out of the ring, but Adrian tied his hands into the ropes, leaving the entire front of the body open for shots as he's on his knees. Nice stuff. Adonis gets out and turned upside down as he's whipped into the buckle, but SD's comeback doesn't last for long, as he whips AA into the ropes for a "reverse bulldog," as Monsoon would say, but really, it's a DDT by Adonis for the win at 8:07. My times aren't like the listed ones because even if the bell's rang, if a guy doesn't have his garb off and nothing's going on, I don't time it.

Match analysis: Strong work by Adonis. Not much more than a glorified squash of Jones, but both guys did a good job. *1/2. The match was harmless, and guys in the current 'E' would do well to learn from this. Wrestling isn't just about hitting spots.

7th match, Desiree Peterson v. Leilani Kai

Prematch: Nothing much of note here, but they announced Desiree Peterson as being from Copenhagen. Come on.

Blow-by-blow: Starts off with 2 dropkicks from Peterson and Kai tries to bail. She can't, as she gets beeled back in. A nice flying headscissor from Peterson and one of them (I honestly forgot) makes the other one spread their legs in a submission move. I forgot who it was, because I was so surprised to see it. Really, WTF? A nice drop toe hold from Peterson, then a half crab, arm-wringer and then legdrop on the arm. Monkey flip by Peterson, but Kai turns the tide with a hairmare and an eye rake against the ropes. Chokes and crap to Peterson, a blown double underhook once, but re-do the spot again and Kai gets it for a SSSSSLLLLLOOOOWWW two. Goodness, what's in the water tonight. Every ref but Davis has been slow as hell. 2 fist drops get two for Kai, but Peterson pulls out an abdominal stretch on an irish whip reversal. Poor Peterson, she can't catch a break as Kai goes to work with some back rakes. Two big throws by Kai and a scoop slam. Good dropkick by Peterson coming off the whip, then she picks Kai up and gives her a backdrop followed by a slam. Failed splash by Peterson, but she decides to go up to the top. Peterson gets three after a BIG flying dropkick. No time, but it was longish.

Match analysis: Dead crowd. Dead me. It's going to take much better than that effort to get my attention. *1/2, it could have been much better.

Now, for the Main Event of the Evening, a 6 Man Tag, it's the current WWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, The Dream Team, Valentine and Beefcake with Johnny V as their third man, and the team of Pedro Morales, Ivan Putski, and Uncle Elmer, and they're accompanied by Cousin Junior and Hillbilly Jim

Prematch: This shit is going to suck. The hillbilly that can actually put in a decent match is on the outside, Putski is an old man roided to the gills, and I don't care much for Morales. With Johnny V and Beefcake on the other side, that'll be bad for teh snowflakes. Junior does some redneck dance and we're underway.

Blow-by-blow: Literally, nothing happens for 5 minutes. They're starting at -* and have to work their way up. Valentine and Elmer finally go to work, and Elmer sends Valentine down with a weak right, so he does it again and this time it looks better. Shoulderblock by Elmer and a choke toss, and Elmer wants Beefcake, so Beefcake tags in. He taunts Hillbilly, and during that Putski tags in with some POLISH POWER and works over the heels with some POLISH POWERED PUNCHES. Tag to Morales, and the faces are doing well for themselves now that Elmer's out. They're out of negative territory. Double noggin-knocker for Johnny V and Beefcake, but the heels take over quickly. A Beefcake slam and then the camera cuts to a sign that says "Brutus Beefcake loves Greg the Faggot Valentine." Exactly as it was written, I shit you not. Got a laugh out of me, if only because I wasn't expecting it. That isn't the only reason, it's also because this show has really tried my patience. Back to the action, as Valentine tags in, misses an elbow and Pedro starts to go to work. Lefts for Valentine, but Johnny V catches Morales and sets him up for Valentine. Valentine misses and hits Johnny V with a good looking right. No big deal, Valentine didn't forget about Morales. He stops that assault and tags in Johnny V, who definitely wants a piece of Morales. Some weak offense by Valiant, but Putski decides he wants to break it up anyway. The ref gets in the way (I think it's Davis again), and Valiant grabs a front facelock on Morales. A false hot tag, and the heels do a switch, as Valentine takes over. Couple elbows and a few two counts, but Morales kicks out. Legwork by the Hammer leads to a Figure 4, but fatass Elmer breaks it up. Pedro sneaks through the legs of one of the heels and tags Putski. POLISH POWER leads to a schmoz, and Pedro rolls up Johnny V although neither of them were the legal man. Gay. The Hillbillies, sans Elmer, dance in the ring to end the show, as the broadcast portion goes out with a shot of Monsoon and Ventura saying good things about Boston.

Match analysis: 5 minutes of nothing doesn't cut it for me. *1/4. If I were to ignore the nothing portion of the match, I'd give it 1/2 a star more. Elmer is useless, and Beefcake doesn't do much. Beefcake didn't play a big part, so that was nice.

Bad show that gets a * star rating, but it's not as bad as Hardcore Heaven. Despite the poor rating for this, Hardcore Heaven was simply inexcusable, as wrestling was in a state that could produce far better matches. Not only that, I expected more out of Hardcore Heaven. I knew all I was going to get out of this was Bundy v. Hogan, and while I believe that was easily the best match with by far the most heat, it's not enough. Watch for historical purposes, prepare to FF. Not good.

Comments and suggestions are welcome. My bad reviews will probably be longer than the good ones, but then again, I haven't reviewed anything good so far. Keep the hits comin', as I can't keep up the 2 reviews per day pace forever.

I thought it would be easier than this, but it's a guaranteed two hour entry for each one I write. It shouldn't be like this for the TV shows or PPV's, but for house shows it's tough. I'll keep 'em comin' until it isn't fun anymore, which won't be for a while.