SJL Crimson - August 14th!

[the.weej 0]

*POP!!*

 

*POP!!*

 

*POPOPOPOP!!*

 

 

...

 

 

*KAPOOW!!*

 

 

An enormous blaze of red pyro explodes on the stage as the crowd themselves light up, bounding to their feet to cheer and wave their numerous signs. Some of the more creative and/or noticeable signs include: “KORGASMIK!!”, “WHERE HAVE ALL THE HEAD DROPS GONE?!”, “BACK FIEND!!”, and finally “LIMEY LIZARD”. The crowd cheers wildly as a montage of different footage of SJL wrestling plays on the SmarkTron, accompanied by a rocking metal beat. The camera changes from sweeping crowd shots to a view of our commentary team, Judge William Hearford III, Ejiro Fasaki, and the bubbly Annie Eclectic.

 

Annie: Good evening folks, and welcome to SJL Crimson! Tonight has some superb matches in store including the exciting Calvinball Match for our main event.

 

Judge: I don’t expect there to be much wrestling in that match for sure.

 

Ejiro: Not like in last weeks main event! Talk about one hell of a match!

 

Judge: Indeed. Sending out former champion John Duran to the SWF and crowning a new champion in “The Red Rage” Viktor Tarakanov.

 

Annie: That damned Russian pulled out a moonsault! I cant believe he’d ever been on the top turnbuckle before. The son of a bitch managed to beat both Tryst AND John Duran, I suppose he deserved the damn belt...

 

Ejiro: You don’t sound too pleased with our new champion, Annie.

 

Annie: I’m not. But hopefully he’ll take the high road and not come out to the ring and brag about himself.

 

Judge: What are the real odds of that happening?

 

 

*KABOOM!!*

 

*TAAAAAA!!*

 

 

Annie: DAMMIT!!

 

Annie’s dreams of not hearing from the World Champion are dashed as a gigantic explosion of red pyro explodes on the entrance ramp, accompanied by a the blaring opening chord of the Soviet National Anthem. The fans immediately begin to boo, louder than in recent weeks, as the Metrapark Arena in Billings, Montana, United States of America. As the small remainder of smoke from the pyro fades, out from the back steps Viktor Tarakanov, with the belt thrown over his shoulder. Tarakanov is wearing what is clearly a new suit: black pinstriped coat and pants with red shirt underneath. Obviously pleased with his pay raise, “The Red Rage” looks comfortable in the suit custom fit to stretch tightly across his bulging muscles.

 

Funyon speaks up, his golden voice ringing throughout the arena “Ladies and gentlemen... please welcome your NEW Smarks Junior League’s World Heavyweight Champion... ‘The Red Rage’ VIKTOR TARAKAAAANOOOOV!!”

 

The fans boo even louder as the proud champion, marches down to the ring, a broad grin across his face. The crowd begins to yell individual slurs and insults at “The Red Rage” but he’s in too good of a mood to unsettle him. The champion is riding high until he gets to the steel steps and he hears the crowd behind him start a “U.S.A!! U.S.A!!” chant. He stops moving, standing on the steps, listening to the crowd and trying to block them out of his head. Finally, the Russian has effectively defeated the annoyance of the fans and walks over to the ring apron, wiping off his black dress shoes before stepping into the ring. The Soviet approaches the center of the ring and holds his championship belt high in the air.

 

Annie: As if any of the fans care that he has that damn thing.

 

Ejiro: Ahh, these fans wouldn’t know a good wrestler if one came up and bit them in the face.

 

Judge: Like him or not, Viktor Tarakanov earned that belt honestly. He deserves a bit a of respect.

 

The fans boo like madmen at the World Champion as he puts the belt back on his shoulder and is handed a microphone by Funyon. “What a magnificent way to welcome in your new champion! It warms my heart to hear how you people truly feel about me.” he says mocking their emotions as best he can. “Does it hurt to see the World Title in the hands of a Soviet? In the hands of a man whose people you hid from for forty years? The people you were taught to fear and despise without ever being given a reason? It should. My country may have fallen, but in me it lives. Through my victories and accomplishments, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics lives on!”

 

Viktor claps his hands, applauding himself and his country, prompting wave upon wave of heated boos. A faint “STALIN SUCKS!!” chant can be heard starting, but Tarakanov begins to speak quickly in order to silence the crowd. “The glory of my country will once again reign supreme through it’s chosen champion. After beating both of my opponents last week, I have proven myself to be the most skilled wrestler in the entire federation. With my chiseled physique, my hands like steel, and my intellect as sharp as a razor, I am the most skilled and perfect wrestler in the SJL. As far as I can see, I have absolutely NO true challenger. I am unbeatable.”

 

Judge: Bold words from Tarakanov.

 

Annie: Bold and wrong. There are plenty of guys in the SJL who are ready to step right up and challenge that Soviet bastard for his belt.

 

Ejiro: HA!! You called it HIS belt! You’re becoming a commie sympathizer already.

 

Annie: Feh...

 

Viktor continues quickly “There is no one suitable to face me. I am the supreme Soviet threat. There is no one in the back who can even come near to defeating me!”

 

Viktor attempts to continue his speech, but is silenced by the sudden absence of light in the arena. After a few long, uncomfortable moments... we hear the deathly sound of a funeral bell ringing... signaling the death knell of some unfortunate soul... the SmarkTron flickers up to specks of light illuminating the tattoo of scales, creeping across the upper body of a man. The crowd recognizes the entrance and begins to cheer wildly. The camera changes to a view of that same man’s white eye while he speaks.

 

 

“Are you scared?”

 

Then many voices speak in unison.

 

“He’s here...”

 

 

Emperor’s “Curse You All Men” rocks out from the speakers as the crowd cheers even louder for the wrestler to come. The lights in the arena begin to flash red as Aecas steps out and onto the stage. The lights come up and his music fades away, all signaled by the wave of his monstrous flick scythe staff. The fans cheer loudly for Aecas as he looks out at the crowd before beginning to speak. “Greetings, Viktor.” the massive Brit speaks up. He looks bigger than ever as he stands perfectly in place, one hand on his staff, the other on the microphone. “I’ve heard what you had to say, and frankly, it sickens me. You haven’t the slightest idea what power is. But I will be happy to show you. If you’re so inclined, I’d like to challenge you to your first title defense.”

 

Ejiro: WHAT?!

 

Annie: Yeah! Go Aecas!

 

Judge: The Black Angel making a challenge to “The Red Rage” for his World Title.

 

Viktor immediately removes his coat and throws it and the mic to the mat, waving Aecas on with his hands. He’s ready to see what power Aecas really has. Unfortunately, Aecas has other plans. “Not tonight... I have something else in mind...” Aecas voice drifts off... until his face snaps into focus on his wickedly elated grin. “A Boiler Room Brawl!” The crowd EXPLODES in cheers upon hearing the name of the match. “What say you, Viktor? Are you ready to experience what I can truly do? Can you anticipate the fear that will be in you as you step into the deep bowels of the arena... waiting to die... You, my friend... *the long blade on Aecas’ scythe flicks out* ... will feel madness...”

 

In the ring, Tarakanov nods his head, accepting the challenge. The crowd is ecstatic as Viktor turns around to pick up the microphone to retort to Aecas’ mad rant. But as he turns around... Aecas has already walked to the back. Feeling not the least bit pleased about what has happened, Viktor throws the mic down violently and grabs his coat of the mat, dusting it off before draping it over his arm. “Curse You All Men” blasts from the speakers as Viktor exits the ring, less than pleased about what has transpired. The look on his face says that he’s anxious to prove himself next week... but he is clearly unsure about the match he was given. And his opponent, who seems to have gone off the deep end.

 

Annie: This is BIG NEWS!! Next week on Metal, it’s gonna be the Sickle vs the Scythe for the World Title! Not only that, but it’s going to take place deep inside the boiler room of the arena!

 

Ejiro: Shouldn’t be a problem for Tarakanov. He said himself that he’s the supreme Soviet threat!

 

Judge: We’ll have to wait until Metal to find out if he can back that up. We’re going to commercial break, please stay tuned for more exciting SJL Crimson!

 

*commercial*

[the.weej 0]

Card:

 

NEWBIE MATCH

Hybrid vs. “Suicidal” Jay Freeman

Description: We’ve had a drought when it comes to new applicants, so please welcome the newest addition to the Junior League. Can he put a notch in the win column at his first attempt?

Rules: Standard singles match. DQ & Countout apply.

 

TV TITLE CONTENDERSHIP MATCH

Tommy Nguyen vs. Jay Morrison

Description: I wish I could have a TV Title match on this show, but alas, it is not to be! Doesn’t mean I can’t have the next best thing. Jay Morrison has been on a tear lately, though he lost to Maddix on Wrath. If he can beat Tommy Nguyen here, he’ll get another shot at an unannounced time.

Rules: Standard singles match. DQ & Countout apply.

 

NON-TITLE MATCH

English Dragon vs. Tryst

Description: Tryst’s back! And he lost his chance to be JL Champ to the big Russian, Viktor Tarakanov. He’ll try to climb up the ladder here, but English Dragon is the mutha’ fuckin’ phenom, if you get my spin. He’ll be looking to boost his career as well.

Rules: Standard singles match. DQ & Countout apply.

 

MAIN EVENT

BEST FUCKING MATCH EVER

SPECIAL CALVINBALL MATCH

Manson vs Dominic Korgath vs Jimmy “The Demon” Liston vs Danny Conklin vs Craig McClennan vs The Apostle

Description: One day, I wanted to think of a stipulation to end all stipulations. Then Tom Flesher said something about Calvinball AND THIS MATCH WAS BORN. For those of you unfamilair with Calvinball, the rules are anything you want. Anyone can change the rules at any time, and these rules could potentially include how to win the match. That’s right, you decide how the match is won. If you are familiar with Calvinball, you know the idea here.

Rules: ANYTHING YOU WANT. Matches will be graded on creativity as well as all the other factors.

[the.weej 0]

And suddenly, like, OMGZ, we're transported to, like, the NOOOOOOOOO SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOW DIMENSION~!~!~!

 

And in the middle of the NOOOOOOOOO SHOOOOOOOOW dimension are Quiz and Show, grinning, standing in front of three HUUUUUUUUUUUGE garage doors!

 

And standing in front of them... Hybrid and "Suicidal" Jay Freeman. Hybrid looks at Jay.

 

"Dude, why are we here?"

 

Jay looks at Hybrid.

 

"I don't know. Why are they here?"

 

Jay jerks his thumb at Double Jeopardy, who wave and smile. Hybrid looks at Jay.

 

"I don't know... hey, why am I called Hybrid?"

 

"I don't know. Are you half-monkey or something?"

 

"You should never do stand-up."

 

"You should shut the fuck up!"

 

"No, you should shut the fuck up!"

 

"No, you..."

 

"I'll tell you something..."

 

Quiz looks at Show, then at the two bickering JLers.

 

"Calm down, you two, you blew your opportunity to beat the shit out of each other, so they sent us here to deal with you two."

 

Hybrid looks at the SWF TAG TEAM CHAMPION, Quiz. "Why?"

 

Show glares at Hybrid. "Survey says because you FUCKING SUCK DICK FOR NO SHOWING YOU STUPID LITTLE..."

 

"Calm down, big man." Quiz puts a reassuring arm around Show's shoulders. "No, see, we're here to help you guys win some FABULOUS PRIZES~!"

 

"Suicidal" Jay Freeman looks happily at Quiz. "FABULOUS PRIZES~!"

 

"You're not allowed to be happy, son, shut the fuck up. Now then, behind one of these three doors is a fabulous prize!... maybe. And behind the other two are HORRIBLE THINGS! So, "Suicidal" Jay Freeman, which will it be?"

 

Voices, out of nowhere, begin to yell "ONE!" "TWO!" and "THREE!" at "Suicidal" Jay Freeman, and he calls out, "I'll take door number THREE!"

 

"Door number three it is! Show, if you'll hit the button..."

 

Show hits the giant red button that appears out of nowhere that says "OPEN DOOR NUMBER THREE". The giant door opens - to reveal a tiger standing underneath a huge neon sign that says "PLEASE SUCK MY DICK".

 

"Oh, Jay, you didn't win the fabulous prize, instead you have to give fellatio to a tiger! We don't want to watch that... just go do your business."

 

Dejected, Jay walks slowly towards the tiger, which growls out a "come and get me, big boy". Freaked, Jay tries to turn around - but walks into a lariat from Show! The giant Show grabs a limp Jay and throws him into the cage, shutting the door behind him. Quiz, grinning, turns to a horrified Hybrid.

 

"And your door?"

 

"Uh, I'll take door number one."

 

"That's door number one, for number one pop culture icon, as told to you by VH-1!"

 

Door #1 opens to reveal Oprah! Ms. Winfrey charges out of door number one, SPEAR~!ing Hybrid through three million flaming tables!

 

Halfway across the world, Ted Flink, smoking a bong, says "No showing sucks. Pass me some sauerkraut."

 

We flash back to an extended shot of Quiz and Show, with Annie doing a voice-over.

 

"Quiz and Show are always shot in front of a live studio audience..."

[the.weej 0]

Annie: Welcome back SJL enthusiasts, well if you thought our last contest was a gem, then we have a diamond right here.

 

William: This bout features a rematch between Tommy Nguyen and Jay Morrison with the winner get a crack at Television Champion Landon Maddix at a future syndicate show.

 

Ejiro: Nguyen is coming in the favourite sporting the better win/loss record and a past victory over his challenger, as Jay Morrison lost a huge match in a defeat to champion Maddix at a last show.

 

Annie: Can Jay beat Nguyen for the first time, or will Tommy Nguyen get his long awaited rematch against Landon Maddix, lets go to ringside.

 

[Camera cuts to Funyon in the middle of the ring with a microphone in his hand.]

 

Funyon: The next match is set for one fall, with a forty-five minute time limit and is a number one contenders match for the coverted SJL Television Title. Introducing first…

 

[The familiar beat to “Creatures” by 311 starts on the PA system, as every light in the arena begin to flicker, as “Tommy Nguyen” flashes on the Smark Tron in red multiple times].

 

Funyon: He comes into this contest at a height of 5 feet and 10 inches, weighing in at 187 pounds, haling from Seattle, Washington…Tommy Nguyen!

 

[As soon as Funyon announces his name, Tommy makes his way out from the locker room and walks down the ramp. Red, orange and yellow pyro goes off around the entranceway, as the fans start up a loud ‘Tommy’ chant. Nguyen slides into the ring, and walks to one of the far corner’s and await the arrival of Jay Morrison.

 

Annie: He looks in the best condition I’ve ever seen. If I were straight I’d nail him!

 

William: He is in peak physical condition and from what I’ve heard has been training harder than ever to conquer Jay and eventually Maddix.

 

Funyon: His opponent…

 

[The drum & bass intro to “We Took Pelham” kicks in over the PA, as a blue strobe lights flickers around the entrance way. This ends once the trumpet kicks in as slowly fireworks shoot in a line down the entrance walkway forming an arc. As the cacophony of instrument finally play in the track Jay walks out in a gold robe with diamond encrypted into it.]

 

Funyon: he enters this contest at a height of 6 feet and 1inches, weighing in at 244 pounds, from London, England…Jay Morrison!

 

[The Smark Tron flashes his name in gold as Jay looks up at the crowd and raises his arm as he proceeds down the aisle. Once on the ring apron when the violins are rapidly playing Jay scale the top rope and holds his arms out to jeers of the crowd.]

 

William: Many words describe this entrance?

 

Annie: Pretentious, conceited, pompous?

 

William: Yep and I believe Jay wouldn’t have it any other way

 

Ejiro: Did you hear Funyon’s introduction, Jay’s gained 5 pounds in weight. I assume he’s added more weight in muscle to out power Nguyen as apposed to last time where he tried to out wrestle him.

 

[The camera zooms in as Tommy and Morrison start to circle one another, eyes locked together, the referee calls them into the middle for a handshake. Nguyen offers his hand first, Jay cocks an eyebrow and attempts to shake it but Tommy moves it out of the way and combs back his hair.]

 

Annie: Shades of their last encounter when Jay pulled that trick on Tommy.

 

William: I think the fans realise this as they are going wild for Tommy Nguyen.

 

[The camera picks up Jay mouthing ‘touché’ as Tommy smiles at the remark and stretches his right shoulder. The two circle each other as the bell ring. The two then hook up, with Jay immediately placing his adversary in a side headlock. However this doesn’t last long as Nguyen pushes him off into the ropes and takes him down with a big time spinning heel kick. Morrison is quick back up to his feet, as Tommy bounces off the ropes to the side and then swings for a clothesline, only to have his foe duck it, Jay waits for him to come back and flips into the air for a dropkick under the jaw of Tommy, however, Nguyen catches his feet in mid-air, which causes Morrison to come crashing down on his back.]

 

Ejiro: Nguyen has scouted Morrison well from their previous encounter.

 

William: I’m glad we have a long time limit as this could go the distance tonight.

 

[Nguyen keeps hold of Jay’s legs and smiles to his fans. Tommy then falls backwards causing him to catapult Jay face-first into the top turnbuckle, Tommy waits for him to stagger backwards and then sets him up for a back drop, but Morrison manages to back flip straight over Nguyen’s shoulders, before catching him by surprise and nailing him with a jab to the rib of Nguyen. Morrison then hooks a waistlock on Tommy from behind and sends him flying over his head with a crisp German suplex, which causes Tommy’s neck to twist slightly upon impact, as he lands headfirst.]

 

Annie: Did to see how Tommy Nguyen landed on that suplex.

 

Ejiro: That’s gonna take some of that fight out of him.

 

[Morrison celebrates this change of direction in the match by arrogantly kicking Nguyen in the head with a mock crane kick. Jay then drags his opponent back upright and begins striking with sledgehammer like uppercuts under to chin of Tommy, forcing him into the corner. Once in the corner Morrison grabs the middle ropes and drives his left shoulder twice into the abdominal region of Nguyen. Morrison then whips him into the opposite corner and charges after him however Nguyen tips up and over the incoming charge of his opponent before swinging for another clothesline as he spins around. Morrison ducks the shot and then grabs Nguyen in a waistlock and once again absolutely drills Tommy Nguyen into the canvas with a German suplex, Without allow for rest bite Jay comes off the ropes, he places his boot on the face of Nguyen and twist it to add insult to injury. Jay elects to mock the fans rather than attempting a pinfall.]

 

William: Beautifully example of wrestling by Jay Morrison but why on earth is he not going for the pinfall.

 

Annie: I think this is a mistake from Jay, Tommy has proven time and time again, once even to Jay that he won’t quit and he wont stay down. Allowing him to recover is an ignorant move.

 

[The crowd on hand barrack Morrison as he sits on one knee; flexing his muscles with a colossal sh*t eating grin on his face. Jay drops down and rolls under the bottom rope, grabbing Nguyen by the leg and dragging him out with him. Morrison then pounds away with jab after jab to the head of Tommy, before whipping him with all his power into the steel stairs. Jay grabs a steel chair from under Funyon as he turns to face Tommy, the referee is warning Jay of the consequences as Nguyen tries to catch his breath, before Morrison then swings the chair down towards his head]

 

[sMASH!]

 

[At the last second, Nguyen dodges out of the way, causing the chair to smash against the stairs! Before Jay can react, Tommy nails him with a stiff right to the gut, prior to grabbing Jay’s head and slamming it down against the stairs! Morrison stumbles about ringside in agony from the impact as Tommy crotches a good five feet away from him waiting to attack him, as Jay stumbles around to face Tommy, Nguyen comes roaring out a superkicks him down on the outside floor.]

 

Ejiro: Did you hear the crack from the kick of Nguyen? It puts Tajiri and Low-Ki to shame.

 

Annie: Jay paid the price for his time wasting and Nguyen is a good enough professional to capitalise and finish Jay off.

 

William: Wow Annie, two relevant comments from you in a row!

 

[Nguyen then grabs Morrison by the shoulders and tosses him back into the squared circle, Tommy then follows him back and gestures toward the ropes as the fans bust out a huge ‘Tommy’ chant. Running on the fans energy Tommy runs to the ropes and bounces off the middle one, he flies in the air and lands with a moonsault on Jay as the referee leaps down to the canvas to make the cover.]

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

KICKOUT!

 

[Jay manages to kickout of the pinfall by rolling his body over to his side, as Nguyen flips up to his feet for his next attack.]

 

Annie: I guess we all under estimated the stamina of Jay

 

William: Yeah, but the longer the match goes on it favours the more athletic Tommy and at the end of the early stages, Nguyen has the advantage and that isn’t good for Jay Morrison’s chances.

 

[Tommy runs his thumb under his neck symbolising the end as he head up to the top rope presumably for the N-Tron Bomb. As he climbs the ropes, the camera picks up Jay scrambling back up to his feet and collapsing into the ropes. This causes Nguyen to crotch himself on the turnbuckle. Tommy screams in pain as many males in the front row are seen holding their crotches feeling the pain from that move themselves! Morrison stumbles over towards Tommy and then cleans his clock with an almighty blow to the head, Nguyen nearly falls from his perch, but is then stopped by Morrison, before starting to climb. He then hooks Tommy in a front face lock and places his arm over his shoulder, Jay hoists Tommy in the air in suplex position, before falling backwards with the superplex sending Tommy crashing down hard onto the canvas below]

 

Ejiro: Heavy duty impact from that superplex.

 

William: Nice shades of Barry Windham there, but the question is; can Jay take the ball and run with it?

 

[The sell out crowd boo, as Morrison gets back to his feet and climbs onto the second turnbuckle where he proceeds to taunt them. He then hops down, arrogantly strutting around Nguyen, shouting at him, before then dragging him back upright where Morrison begins to deliver a barrage of rights, forcing Nguyen against the ropes. Jay then whips his opponent off them and swings for a lariat of his own, Nguyen ducks the shot and then bounces off the second rope, using it to springboard back towards his opponent and take him down with a flying forearm. The crowd explode, as both men stagger back to their feet, Nguyen is there first as he meets Jay Morrison with a stiff boot to the gut. He then pulls him into a standing head scissors.]

 

Annie: Is he attempting his face first piledriver?

 

William: Or face first powerbomb?

 

[However, Jay counters with a back body drop, before stomping away at his opponent with all of his might. Morrison then drags Tommy back upright, he then shoves him into the corner opposite, before delivering a number of stomps to the mid-section, and then grabbing him by the arm. However, Nguyen reverses the Irish whip, sending Morrison right back into that same corner, before Tommy tries to follow it up, only to run right into a boot to the face]

 

William: Bit of bad luck for Nguyen

 

Ejiro: I’ll give credit where it’s due jay has seized control of the match excellently and if he maintains this control he will be the victor.

 

Annie: But never, ever count out Tommy Nguyen until the three count has been made.

 

[Morrison hops up onto the second turnbuckle, ready to seize the advantage, but he pauses for a few seconds to taunt the fans. Suddenly, Nguyen runs at him again, leaping up onto him, before then falling backwards and sending Morrison flying across the ring with a huge monkey flip! Morrison staggers back upright, before groggily charging his opponent, only to be caught with a smooth inverted atomic drop. Nguyen raises his arm into the air, before dragging Morrison up in body slam position and spiking him head first into the mat with a Michinoku Driver II]

 

Ejiro: Jay Morrison’s show boating could have very well cost him this match!

 

Annie: Nguyen’s hooking the leg for the pin.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THR…

 

NO!

 

[Jay manages to rolls his shoulder up, Tommy looks at the referee surprised that Jay kicked out, nonetheless Nguyen pulls Jay to knee as he take a step back and arches back ready for a roundhouse kick to the head, but Jay ducks it and hits a quick low blow while the referee’s vision is blocked, Jay uses Nguyen tight for leverage to stand as the double over Nguyen holds his crotch in agony, the referee question Jay, but he’s too groggy to answer. Morrison gets to his feet and places Tommy in a standing head scissors position. Morrison smirks condescendingly, as he hooks both arms of Nguyen ready for a double underhook powerbomb. Morrison elevates Nguyen into the air, only to have him somehow break free and land in front of Morrison, Nguyen swinging for a roundhouse kick, Jay ducks the shot and then lunges towards Tommy in search of a yakuza kick, but, Nguyen ducks that, causing Morrison to wipe out referee! Stunned, Tommy Nguyen looks down at the official, allowing Morrison to nail him with another low blow, before hooking him head under the arm of Nguyen and bridging backwards for a Northern Lights Suplex.]

 

Annie: This is over and Morrison’s gonna be the number one contender.

 

Ejiro: Look again Annie. There’s no one to make the count! Morrison just took the referee out with his signature yakuza kick!

 

[Morrison remains in the bridge waiting, but nothing happens. Angrily, he waves his arm at the entrance for them to send down another official, before a second referee comes running down the ramp and slides into the ring!]

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THR…

 

NO!

 

Ejiro: He’s alive!

 

[The crowd erupt with cheers, as Morrison stares at his opponent in disbelief. He then forcefully pulls Nguyen up, he places Nguyen in a front head scissors again, Jay hooks Tommy by the waist and lifts him up to his shoulders. Jay then clasps his hand under the arms of Nguyen and lifts him up in crucifix position, he mouth and obscenity to the fans and throws Tommy up in the air and catching on the way down, Jay sit down and drills Tommy’s back hard between his legs with a sit down crucifix powerbomb.]

 

William: Splash Mountain powerbomb! I’ve never seen him do that before.

 

Ejiro: Nguyen could, and should be dead! Jay’s rarely executes that move.

 

[The boos fill the arena, as Morrison hooks the legs for the pin.]

 

Annie: This is over...

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THR…

 

E…

 

NO!

 

NGUYEN GETS HIS LEFT SHOULDER UP!

 

William: HOW?!?!

[Jay Morrison sits in disbelief, as a massive ‘Nguyen’ chant kicks in. He looks at referee, who can offer no explanation, before then angrily grabbing him and throwing him out of the ring in frustration, he screams at the timekeeper to ring the bell, but the timekeeper refuses. Jay pulls his hair in anger and drags Nguyen to the centre of the ring and shouts ‘That’s it!’ Jay climbs slowly exits the ring and ascend the turnbuckles. As he reaches the summit he slaps his right kneepad as he comes flying off, just before impact Nguyen rolls out of harms way and Morrison comes down hard on the mat.]

 

Annie: He missed!

 

William: This is unbelievable! How the bloody blue, green, purple hell is Nguyen able to still be in this match?

 

[Morrison clambers back to his feet with a slight limp from impact and walks towards Nguyen, and begins to drag him back to his feet. However, Tommy surprises Morrison with a shot to the mid-section. Morrison nails him with a punch to the head, but it doesn’t faze Tommy Nguyen, who continues to fight back. Nguyen hammers away, struggling back up again as he went, before grabbing Jay’s arm and whipping Morrison off the ropes, Jay sees the attack coming and reverses it. Nguyen comes flying back off the ropes as Jay ducks for a back body drop, but Tommy puts of the breaks and hooks his right leg across the neck and shoulder off Morrison and drives Jay’s head into the canvas with a rocker dropper.]

 

Annie: What a comeback!

 

William: He channelled the spirit of Billy Gunn for that one!

 

[both men lie hurt for five second as Nguyen and Morrison struggle back upright again, both in agony, but they also mutually have the same fire in their eyes that they had right at the start of the match. Nguyen is too his feet first as he strikes Jay with two sharp, lightning quick, kicks to the thighs of Morrison. Nguyen strikes with a headbutt to Morrison that send him flying backwards into the corner, Tommy is quick to capitalise as he hits two successive headbutt as he climbs to the ring apron and up the turnbuckle as Morrison slouches in the corner. Once at the top rope, Nguyen grabs Jay by the head and places it on his knee, Tommy then leaps off the top turnbuckle and drives his knee into the back of his head.]

 

Ejiro: My Todd that look painful.

 

William: Alert the sound guy to put the 311 CD on pause.

 

[The crowd erupt in cheers, as Morrison lies face down on the canvas, struggling to breath, whilst Nguyen lie down next to him catching some breath, Tommy rolls the lifeless body of Morrison as he collapses to the mat with an arm on Morrison’s chest. Suddenly original match official Hardcastle starts to stir, he looks around the ring and sees the cover being made. He crawls a little closer, before counting...]

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THR…

 

E…

 

E…

 

NO!

 

JAY MORRISON ROLLS A SHOULDER UP AT THE LAST SPILIT SECOND!!!

 

William: Pardon my French but, fuck me, that was close!!!

 

Annie: Somehow, someway, Jay Morrison just managed to save himself and these fans here aren’t too happy about it at all!

 

[indeed, almost every fan in the building are on their feet, booing loudly believing a screw job has taken place, as Nguyen summons all his strength to pull himself upright. He then grabs Jay Morrison by his hair, dragging him up again and pushing him into the corner. He shoulder tackles him in the corner twice, and then caves in Jay’s chest with a thunderous knife edge chop, that would make Ric Flair’s look like Jackie Gayda’s!]

 

Crowd: Whooo!

 

William: Whooo!

 

[Nguyen pulls up again and away from the corner, he hooks him in a front face lock for a snap suplex, but Morrison begins fighting back with some punches to Tommy’s stomach!]

 

Ejiro: He isn’t gonna give up that easy!

 

[Morrison then reverses the front face lock and falls back with a DDT that leaves Tommy body in a spasm on the mat, as both men lie on the mat in sheer pain.]

 

Annie: I guess to want to win is too much.

 

Ejiro: Fans we have told the advertisers to wait, we are not going to miss a second of this classic match for another insurance advert.

 

[The referee doesn’t administer a ten count a he’s still recover from that earlier yakuza kick. The crowd are left stunned, as Morrison and Nguyen lie in the ring, trying to fight off the effects of the contest and summon the energy to fight back. Morrison manages to pull himself up first, previous to dragging Nguyen up. Morrison places Nguyen in between his leg in a front head scissors, he hooks the waist of Nguyen and elevates up for a powerbomb, but Nguyen squirm out of it and lands in front of jay, but before he can attack, Jay takes his head off with an extremely stiff lariat then sends Nguyen crashing to the mat.]

 

Ejiro: What a devastating lariat from Morrison who is somehow keeping up with the everlasting Tommy Nguyen.

 

William: he needs the referee to recover because if he doesn’t pin him soon, I still feel Tommy has a lot more in the tank than Morrison.

 

[The referee is now upright in the corner still slightly worse for wear, as Morrison decides to go for the kill. He makes the hand signal of a Phoenix rising that is the signal for his patented Phoenix Thunder Driver.]

 

Annie: He’s calling for the finish.

 

[He pulls Nguyen too his feet and places him in a front face lock, but Tommy escapes quickly and hits a headbutt to the eyebrow of Morrison that causes him to stagger backwards.]

 

Ejiro: That headbutt could be the x-factor for Nguyen in this match if he can follow it up.

 

[Jay staggers around the ring, as Nguyen places Jay in a font head scissors. He hooks the waist and elevates Morrison into piledriver but instead of sitting down he fall forwards, spiking the face of Jay Morrison onto the canvas.]

 

Ejiro: if Tommy covers him, it’s all she wrote.

 

[With all the strength he could muster, Nguyen rolls Jay over and falls on top for the pin.]

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THR…

 

E…

 

FOOT ON THE ROPE!

 

William: Nguyen was unfortunate with his positioning there as anywhere else in the ring, he would of won.

 

Ejiro: What guts, this is becoming next to impossible to end the match!

 

[Tommy rolls off Jay as he crawls to his knees. Nguyen slowly gets to his feet as Jay struggle on the ropes to move. Spotting him prone Nguyen charges at but Jay ducks grabbing the legs of Nguyen and drops him on the ropes for a clothesline off of a sloppy flapjack. Nguyen hits the mat holding his throat, as it becomes Jay’s turn to collapse on top for the pinfall.]

 

Annie: it wasn’t pretty but this could get the pin.

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THR…

 

E…

 

E…

 

SHOULDER UP!

 

Ejiro: I’m at a lost for words

 

William: Neither man is human.

 

[Jay Morrison is by now too exhausted to complain, as he pulls himself back up. Jay grabs Nguyen by the mask, dragging him over towards the corner where he then lifts him up for what looks to be an atomic drop, only to place his opponent on the top turnbuckle. Morrison then steps out onto the apron and taps the side of his head knowingly, before slowly scaling the corner so that he joins Tommy on the top turnbuckle. Once there, he pulls Nguyen’s limp body into a standing head scissors before signalling for the end.]

 

Annie: No way! Powerbomb or piledriver either would end Nguyen’s career!

 

William: Exactly! You gotta love the way Morrison thinks!

 

[Morrison grabs Nguyen by the waist and then using all the strength he can, flips him into the air. However, much to Morrison’s surprise, Nguyen manages to hook his legs around Morrison’s neck, he then counters the powerbomb in mid-air! Morrison is sent flying into the ring with a super huricanrana, sending him crashing hard to the mat! The crowd go insane, starting up another ‘Tommy’ chant immediately, as Nguyen slowly but surely begins to pull himself upright.]

 

Annie: Wow, just…wow!

 

William: Forget an ambulance we may need a body bag!

 

[Morrison doesn’t move an inch, as Nguyen pulls himself back upright once again. He looks down at his fallen opponent, looking as if he were about to make the pin, but instead, Nguyen begins to climb back up onto the top turnbuckle.]

 

William: What is he doing? For the love of god Tommy pin him and win the freaking match.

 

Annie: He’s making sure he finishes this once and for all, N-Tron bomb style!

 

[Nguyen reaches the top, and begins to slowly pull himself upright, signalling to the cheering fans. Nguyen leaps in the air and corkscrews 450 degrees he then comes down for a senton bomb, but before impact Morrison rolls out of impact, causing Tommy Nguyen to crash with immense force to the mat!]

 

Ejiro: He missed the N-Tron Bomb!

 

[Jay slowly crawls to the fallen carcass of Nguyen and simply drops and an arm on top as the referee hits the mat to make the pinfall.]

 

ONE!

 

TWO!

 

THR…

 

E…

 

E…

 

!

 

[DING! DING! DING!]

 

William: The son of a bitch did it again.

 

Annie: Lets hear the official word from Funyon.

 

Funyon: The winner of the match…and Number One Contender for the Television Title…Jay Morrison!

 

[‘We Took Pelham’ is played once again as the arena nearly drowns it out with boos. The referee quickly raises Jay Morrison’s limp arm as he signals for help from the back.

 

Annie: Well Jay Morrison will get his title shot to but lets give credit where it’s due for Tommy Nguyen, who risked his body to win the match and unfortunately took one risk too many.

 

William: Sometimes that’s the price to pay for success.

 

Ejiro: The EMT are helping both men out, guys stick around for more quality action as we gotta hit the commercials.

[the.weej 0]

We return from our latest batch of commercials, taking in a wide shot of the Metrapark arena. It’s a full house in Montana, and the ever enthusiastic SJL fans are waving shoddily made signs and chanting “Sexton is a tool! Sexton is a tool!” at referee Mr. Hardcastle, who has entered the ring in readiness for our next match. We pan around to meet our commentators once again.

 

Judge: Welcome back to Crimson…we have a rapid crowd in attendance here tonight, eh Annie?

Annie: And Sexton deserves every last bit of abuse after his shocking decision on Wrath that gave English Dragon a victory of Aecas.

Ejiro: C’mon Annie, that was fair refereeing! Sexton is widely respected!

Annie: Even Hardcastle’s incompetence won’t save Dragon this time…Tryst is his opponent, and he’s back, better than ever.

Ejiro: Meh, the man likes to pretend to be Robin Hood. English Dragon is a REAL folk hero!

Annie: Dragon can “folk” off! Ahaha! Geddit?

Ejiro: Stick to lesbian jokes.

Judge: The man known as Tryst made a surprise come back in the triple threat world title match last week, but he couldn’t stop Viktor Tarakanov walking away with the gold. Let’s see how he fares in his second match back right now. Big F, take it away.

 

FUNYON: Ladies and Gentleman, the following contest is set for one fall and is a non-title match…

 

“Land of Hope and Glory” rises through the arena, bringing a few patriotic Englishman in the crowd to their feet in respect, and the rest of the crowd to their feet in disgust. The English Dragon appears in the entrance, clad in gold mask and red trunks, wearing his title belt around his waist and drawing thunderous boos from the fans.

 

FUNYON: From London, England…weighing 223lbs…he is the S..J..L European Champion….the English DRAAAAAAGOOOOOOOOON!

 

Dragon walks confidently down the aisle, closely followed by the huge, suited frame of his butler, Robertson. EngDrag steps onto the apron and wipes his feet carefully before stepping into the ring and waving to the crowd, earning more heat as he does so.

 

Judge: Dragon seems less and less popular with every match here in the SJL.

Ejiro: They’re just jealous, William! They’ve seen Dragon mow through all their heroes, and they can’t stand it!

Judge: That’s true. You can’t deny the Dragon’s success.

Annie: He’s cheated, been lucky, cheated some more- it has to end soon, and it’ll be tonight.

 

The anthem cuts out, and the arena lights drop, hushing the crowd. A green spotlight illuminates the entrance way. The cameras focus on the SmarkTron as it displays rushing green forestry, coming up short of a bow and arrow armed man. An arrow crashes forwards into the screen as green pyro erupts and “Forest” by System of a Down blasts out. The crowd roars in welcome as Tristan “Tryst” Whitt appears in the spotlight.

 

FUNYON: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaad his opponent…from Bairnsdale, Great Britain…weighing in at 218lbs…TRYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSSST!

 

Judge: A huge match for Tryst. A win here would push him right back into contention for another world title shot.

Annie: And he deserves it. Tryst fights hard but fair. All he needs is an attractive Maid Marian type by his side for me to..er...appreciate, and he’s my favourite SJL wrestler.

Ejiro: Er, hello? The man’s INSANE! Do you want children growing up thinking its ok to pretend to be myths? What if your kid turned around and said: “Mom, I’m Bigfoot!”

Annie: What the hell are you talking about?

 

Tryst, wearing black pants and a dark green shirt, runs down the aisle and approaches the ring. As he does so, English Dragon sits on the second rope in front of him, pushing it down and holding up the top rope with his left arm. Dragon beckons Tryst to enter the ring.

 

Judge: A bit of English chivalry for his fellow countryman.

Ejiro: Ah, that’s classy.

 

Tryst climbs onto the apron, looking a little surprised, but nevertheless bends over and puts his right leg through the widened gap in the ropes.

 

English Dragon pulls hard up on the bottom rope with both hands, bringing it up hard between Tryst’s legs! Tryst’s eyes bulge as Dragon shakes the rope up and down, and the crowd boos heartily for this immediate cheap shot from the European Champion. Sexton comes over and pulls English Dragon away.

 

Annie: This just gets worse and worse- disqualify him, Sexton! That’s just blatant abuse!

Ejiro: Er, the match hasn’t even started yet, genius.

 

Hardcastle helps Tryst out of the ropes as Dragon talks a walk around the ring, waving. Sexton checks that Tryst is ok. Still winded, the Sherwood Fable manages to nod, and our long suffering referee calls for the bell to start.

 

DING DING DING

 

Dragon immediately charges at Tryst grabbing him low around his thighs with both arms and pulling up, so that Tryst is flipped onto his back. Dragon keeps a hold of the legs and takes a generous handful of tights as Tryst’s shoulders are pinned firmly to the mat! Sexton counts it!

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

TWO!!

 

 

 

 

 

THRRRRREEE-NO!

 

KICKOUT!

 

Judge: That was almost it!

Annie: Dragon almost won the match from that low blow with the rope…yet another time when I’m grateful to be a woman. External organs- who thought that one up?

Ejiro: Penis envy, Annie, we all know you have it.

 

Dragon brings Tryst to his feet and, grabbing his left arm, whips him off to the ropes. Tryst bounces back and ducks under Dragon’s swinging arm. Tryst reaches the other side of the ring, adding his own speed to his momentum and rebounding back towards EngDrag. Tryst leaps into the air, extending his forearm and driving it into the face of Dragon, who was perhaps unbalanced and surprised by the speed of Tryst’s return.

 

The Sherwood Fable rolls to his feet as Dragon also picks himself up, holding his forehead. Tryst runs to the ropes and flings himself off them, coming up behind Dragon and once again jumping forwards. This time Tryst wraps his right arm around the head of his fellow Brit, and, as he falls forwards, drives Dragon nose first into the canvas with a bulldog!

 

Ejiro: Stop flying around like that! It’s not fair!

Annie: Nor is having to be this close to you and your collection of personal body odours, but you don’t hear me complain, do you?

Judge: Woman, you do nothing else.

 

Dragon, a little stunned, still attempts to get back to his feet. EngDrag is up to one knee before Tryst again hits the ropes, bouncing back and jumping feet first towards Dragon! His boots crash into the skull of the European Champion as he executes a beautifully targeted low dropkick. The impact sends Dragon tumbling over, and he rolls out of the ring under the bottom rope to take a timeout.

 

Tryst has no respect for this idea however, and runs forwards in the direction of Dragon, drawing a big cheer from the crowd! The Sherwood Fable is about to leap out of the ring onto Dragon when Robertson moves over and drags Dragon out of the way, pulling him to relative safety on the other side of the ring. Tryst is in control of his movement, and is able to grab the top rope and skin the cat back in spectacular style, getting a round of applause from the fans for his efforts.

 

Judge: Did we suddenly move to Japan?

Ejiro: What are those idiots clapping for? Oo, wow, he swung on a rope! A monkey can do that! Let’s see some wrasslin’!

Annie: You know, I think I’ll submit the Maid Marian idea to management…

 

As our hosts ramble off on their individual tangents, Tryst bounces in the middle of the ring, nodding his head at Dragon and beckoning him back into the squared circle. Dragon, supported by Robertson, makes his way to the corner of the ring, where Dragon slowly…infuriatingly slowly…climbs up the ring steps back and ducks under the top rope. Sexton stands between both men, and beckons them to get back to it.

 

Dragon wrings out his wrists and rolls his shoulders. Tryst merely waits, body tensed and muscles coiled ready for action. At last Dragon takes a couple of steps forwards, and Tryst is happy to meet him. The two men grab each other around the shoulders, going into a lockup, and there is a moment of stillness as both men test their strength against the other.

 

Tryst looks to be pushing Dragon down slightly, but the Londoner frees his left arm and, grabbing Tryst’s left wrist with both hands, twists around to the side of his opponent. Dragon pushes down, wrenching in with the armbar, but Tryst counters immediately, rolling himself forwards onto his back. Dragon still has a grip on his wrist, so Tryst executes a neat kip up that brings him back to his feet. Once there, Tryst is able to grab Dragon’s arm and swing it around, applying his own arm bar.

 

Judge: Dragon was looking to slow things down, but it seems Tryst is quite willing to take him on.

Ejiro: But Dragon is clearly a superior mat technician.

Judge: Clearly.

Annie: …and she could have some kind of green PVC thing going on…

 

Dragon shouts in frustration and pain as Tryst applies pressure to his arm. The Sherwood Fable gives the arm a firm SHAKE that knocks the Dragon down to his knees, and Tryst bends down to keep the hold locked in. From his position on the mat, Dragon suddenly puts his free hand forwards and flips himself over forwards, landing squarely on his feet! Tryst stands with him as the crowd makes approving sounds despite themselves.

 

Dragon grabs Tryst’s arm and gets the armbar back, before placing his right boot behind his opponent’s legs and sweeping them out from under him. Tryst falls flat onto his back and Dragon drops back, still holding the arm.

 

Ejiro: Awesome! Tryst thought he’d outsmarted the Dragon, but look! He’s helpless!

Judge: Dragon kept his head, and Tryst needs to find away out of this immediately.

Annie: ….knee high boots…a whip…

 

Dragon twists round on the wrist and plants the soles of his boots into Tryst’s body either side of the arm. Dragon yells at Sexton “Ask him! Ask him, you bloody idiot!” but Tryst shakes his head and with an effort manages to twist up onto his left side. Dragon rolls over too, but still has the hold locked in. Tryst pushes hard with his legs, and gets up to one knee. A further effort, and Tryst is standing, with Dragon on his back, still holding the arm, the boots still either side.

 

Before Tryst can counter further, Dragon uses his left leg to kick his opponent in the head! A swift jab with the sole of his boot is followed by a grind into the ear, and, with Tryst taken aback by this, Dragon is able to pull him back down onto his back to boos from the SJL crowd.

 

Dragon pulls back on the arm again, but Tryst is once more twisting and sliding, and again makes it back up to his feet, turning Dragon onto his back. Before Dragon can kick again, Tryst flips himself forward, head over feet, coming down back first onto the chest of English Dragon! Sexton counts the cover!

 

ONE!

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

Dragon pushes Tryst off and again looks for the arm, but the Sherwood Fable grabs the nearest rope and Sexton gets between the two men to break it up. Dragon steps back as Tryst moves into the centre of the ring, flexing out his arm. Our competitors circle each other, until Dragon leaps forwards. Tryst is ready, however, and, dropping down, gets his right leg in front of Dragon’s feet and snaps his left into the back of EngDrag’s legs, tripping him down to the mat with a drop toe hold. Tryst scoots up Dragon’s body and wraps his right arm around his head.

 

Judge: Since that opening flurry we’ve gone into solid mat wrestling.

Ejiro: Tryst is doing his best to keep in there but soon enough Dragon will overwhelm him.

Annie: …or perhaps fishnets…

Ejiro: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BE QUIET!

Annie: Was I slavering out loud again?

Judge: Yeah. Your drool pail is overflowing.

 

With the headlock clamped on, Tryst gradually pushes himself up to his feet, bringing Dragon with him. The Bairnsdale boy flexes his arms, putting on extra pressure, but Dragon gets his left hand onto the small of Tryst’s back, and, running forward and shoving hard, propels Tryst off him towards the ropes. The effort sends Dragon stumbling down onto his belly, and Tryst easily steps over him as he returns, heading for the other side of the ring. As he reaches it, he turns with the bounce of the ropes and- stops?

 

On further examination, we see Dragon’s butler, Robertson, holding the left leg of Tryst, stopping him from returning on the attack. Tryst turns to Robertson, shouting some olde English words of abuse, and is seemingly about to launch an attack when he is staggered by a forearm shot to the back of the head, as English Dragon comes steaming in.

 

Dragon snakes his right arm around the head of Tryst, pulling him into a headlock. With Tryst momentarily stunned by the stiff blow, Dragon is able to spin Tryst round to face him. Dragon throws Tryst’s left arm over his own shoulder and takes a grip of the top of his black pants. Dragon pulls up hard, hoisting Tryst into the air in a vertical suplex position, before using the proximity of the ropes to drop Tryst’s lower legs back down onto them. The ropes provide enough bounce for Dragon to slingshot Tryst back up and over, before dropping him vertically down, directly onto his head!

 

Judge: Slingshot brainbuster from English Dragon! Tryst took that impact FULL onto his head.

Ejiro: Maybe that will knock some sense into the crazy tree hugger.

Annie: Ok, I’m back with the match now. Er, you, Tryst, kick out of the cover!

 

Dragon rolls over and hooks the leg.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Dragon wastes no time in pulling Tryst half up, holding his head in both hands, before flipping him forwards and over onto his behind with a snap mare takeover. With his opponent sitting defenceless on the mat. Dragon rocks back and fires a hard kick into the Sherwood Fable’s shoulder blades. Another stiff kick follows, and Tryst shouts in pain as it connects, screwing his hands into fists.

 

Dragon dances on his feet, getting a collection of heel heat and bad rhythm heat for his effort, and swings his boot in again, this time CRACKING it into the back of Tryst’s head! Tryst slowly falls back to the mat, and Dragon places his right foot on the chest of his opponent for a cover, waving to the fans as he does so!

 

ONE!

 

 

Tryst throws a shoulder up, and Dragon steps off him.There is no respite for Tryst however, as EngDrag waits for him to sit up and then shoots his arms underneath Tryst’s, bending his hands back and linking them behind his opponent’s head. Dragon pulls Tryst off the mat with the full nelson, and is about to swing him back with a Dragon suplex when Tryst, with an effort, gets his hands onto Dragon’s head. From there, Tryst just drops to the mat, crushing Dragon’s jaw into the top of his head! The nelson is broken, and Dragon turns away, holding his face.

 

Judge: Jawbreaker from Tryst to counter the full nelson, and he has a chance to turn the flow of this match.

Ejiro: Dragon LET him to do that.

Annie: And why the hell would he want to do that?

Ejiro: Dragon has an iron jaw…that blow has hurt Tryst more than it hurt him, I can assure you.

 

Tryst is up, and as Dragon turns to him LASHES his chest with a hard chop! Again, Tryst drives the edge of his right hand into the pectorals of his opponent. The SLAP of bone on muscle echoes through the arena; the sound being joined by “WOOOOO!”s from the fans. Another stiff chop from Tryst, and he grabs the arm, whipping Dragon to the ropes. As EngDrag rebounds, Tryst drops down, looking to back drop his opponent, but Dragon merely stops in front of him.

 

Dragon swings his left forearm low, connecting with the head of Tryst with a European uppercut. Dragon places his hands on Tryst’s chest and pushes him back into the nearest corner. With the Sherwood Fable spread across the turnbuckle, Dragon holds up his right hand and CRACKS the edge of it across the chest of Tryst!

 

Again, Dragon chops, this one even more vicious than before. A third chop. A fourth, and Sexton Hardcastle intervenes, as Tryst is in the ropes. Sexton gets between the men and checks on Tryst, but Dragon pushes him out of the way.

 

Annie: When’s Sexton going to grow a pair? He can’t let Dragon put his hands on him like that.

Judge: It’s a physical contest. Referees have to be prepared for these things.

Annie: Well, I guess it’s more action than he gets at home.

 

Dragon grabs Tryst coming dazedly out of the corner with a headlock, before grabbing his pant’s top and pulling him up into the air. Dragon steps forward and plants his opponent onto the top turnbuckle. Dragon climbs up onto the second rope and fires a few quick punches into the face of Tryst to keep him subdued. The Londoner re-applies the headlock and takes a fresh hold of the pants as he steps onto the top turnbuckle, pulling Tryst up with him.

 

Dragon pulls up and back, and brings Tryst falling over in a perfect arc as both men crash to the mat with the super-plex! The crowd draws in it’s collective breath at the impact, and Dragon, seemingly have absorbed a fair amount of it himself, take a few seconds to crawl over for the cover.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

TWO AND A HALF!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KICKOUT!

 

Dragon slams the mat in frustration and holds up three fingers to Sexton. Hardcastle holds up two in answer, to which Dragon again displays three. Sexton defiantly holds up two. Realising this could go on for some time, Dragon pulls Tryst along the mat by his arm, back into the corner they just sprung from.

 

EngDrag climbs out of the ring and steps to the top rope. The Londoner clearly means business, as there is no wave, merely a deep breath, before he jumps forwards, rolling over in mid-air and extending his left arm out to the side. Dragon plummets down with his Houston Hangover variant, but Tryst ROLLS AWAY!

 

Dragon hits the mat hard and clutches his arm as the crowd begins to lend its support to the Sherwood Fable:

 

”LET’S GO TRYST!” CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP “LET’S GO TRYST!”

 

In response, the Robin Hood impersonator uses the ropes to pick himself up. Dragon pulls himself up too, holding the arm but otherwise not badly hurt. Tryst runs forward as Dragon turns to him and leaps into the air, snapping his legs forward and his feet into the face of Dragon. The dropkick sends Dragon staggering back into the corner, where he hangs on the top rope, trying to shake his head clear.

 

Judge: If Dragon had hit that, it could have been all over.

Ejiro: Again, I remind you that Dragon knows what he’s doing, and meant to miss that in order to lull Tryst into a false sense of security.

Annie: Really? Looks like Dragon’s going to need some security of own. Here comes something special…

 

As Annie speaks, Tryst has sized up Dragon in the corner. The Robin Hood pretender runs forward, jumping into the air and planting his right boot into the chest of Dragon. Tryst uses Dragon to push off, and flips backwards towards the middle of the ring, landing perfectly on his feet. Dragon holds his chest and staggers out of the corner, but Tryst meets him by capturing his head under his right arm and dropping him down to the mat with a DDT!

 

Dragon’s head is BOUNCED off the canvas. Tryst decides against the cover, preferring to keep the tempo up, and steps out of the ring, climbing to the top rope and waiting for the Dragon to achieve vertical status once more.

 

EngDrag obliges, shakily getting to his feet. As he faces the corner, Tryst flies off, stretching his body out horizontally and coming down onto English Dragon! Tryst’s chest meets Dragon’s, and the European Champion is MASHED onto the canvas by the force of Tryst’s 218lbs with gravity behind him. Dragon’s mouth opens involuntarily as the air is crushed out of his lungs.

 

The impact bounces Tryst off and away from Dragon, but he quickly slides over, pressing his torso onto Dragon’s and beckoning Sexton to make the count. Hardcastle jumps across the ring over-dramatically to count Dragon’s shoulders to the mat:

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

TWOO!!

 

 

 

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

NO! KICKOUT!

 

 

Dragon lies on the mat, panting, and Tryst takes a few seconds himself before taking Dragon by the arm and pulling him up. Tryst is about to gather Dragon for an attack when the Londoner fakes a fall back to one knee, grabbing Sexton by the shirt and pulling him down with him. With Sexton’s eyes diverted, Dragon is able to jackhammer his right arm up between Tryst’s legs for the signature English Dragon low blow. EngDrag releases Sexton, who looks at the fallen Tryst in suspicion.

 

Ejiro: What a beautiful swinging groin eliminator!

Annie: What? Yet another Dragon low blow, you mean?

Judge: I prefer Ej’s name.

 

Dragon stands over Tryst and shrugs to Hardcastle. Dragon pulls his opponent up, and places his head between his leg. A waistlock is applied, and EngDrag pulls Tryst up vertically. Dragon is trying to hook back the arms with his ankles when Tryst starts to struggle…and the Sherwood Fable uses his leg strength to snap Dragon forwards, dragging him over onto his back with a head scissors!

 

Tryst keeps his legs around Dragon’s head so that he rolls out on top of him! Tryst holds Dragon’s legs up as the crowd roars for the counter.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

TWOOOOO!

 

 

 

 

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO!

 

KICKOUT!

 

There’s a huge sigh of disappointment from the crowd as both men lie on the mat, clearly down to their last reserves of strength after a long battle. Dragon moves away, getting up to one knee, but Tryst is up quicker, and comes up behind EngDrag, grabbing him around the waist with both hands. Before Dragon can react, Tryst flings himself back, and Dragon is thrown backwards with a release German suplex!

 

But Dragon flips in mid-air and lands on his feet to the amazement of the audience!

 

Ejiro: What agility!

Judge: Tryst just didn’t have enough power left to throw Dragon over fast enough.

 

Tryst is totally unaware of Dragon’s escape until he feels his fellow Brit’s arms sliding under his arms and around the back of his neck. EngDrag hooks in the full nelson and snaps back, dragging Tryst over and DETONATING his head and neck onto the mat with a vicious Dragon Suplex!

 

The impact disturbs Dragon’s balance a little but he keeps the bridge:

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- KICKOUT!

 

Tryst breaks Dragon’s grip, and both men are down once more, but Dragon has the adrenaline in him and rolls up. Standing over his opponent, Dragon grabs both his legs. The European Champion’s left leg is placed between them, and EngDrag hooks Tryst’s right leg around it.

 

Ejiro: The Cross of St George! Make that crazy man tap! Tap! Tap!

Judge: Dragon’s figure four leglock…if he gets this on Tryst may not have the energy to escape.

 

Dragon spins around, but Tryst gets his free boot onto the behind of Dragon and kicks him off!

 

Annie: I suppose Dragon meant to do that too, Ej?

Ejiro: No, that was just a lucky slip from Tryst.

 

The shove has propelled EngDrag onto the ropes. Tryst is up and charges in at him! Dragon has the time to make a decision and drops down as Tryst approaches. When the Sherwood Fable is upon him, Dragon shoves upwards, back-dropping Tryst up and over him out of the ring!

 

And Tryst lands with both feet on the apron! Dragon was momentarily celebrating until he heard the thud of boots on canvas, and he turns rapidly, only to be met with a hard punch to the jaw! Tryst grabs the head of Dragon is his right hand and runs along the apron, dragging the Londoner with him before reaching the corner and SLAMMING Dragon face first into the top turnbuckle!

 

Dragon stumbles back into the ring as Tryst climbs to the top! Tryst mimes firing an arrow from a bow at Dragon to a big pop from the crowd!

 

Judge: He’s going for “The Arrow’s Path”!

Ejiro: Meh, some flippy floppy kick?

Annie: It’d knock the brains out of your head Ej, if they hadn’t left in protest at the accommodation years ago.

 

Tryst LEAPS….Dragon falls, clutching his head, drawing Hardcastle’s attention…and Tryst CRASHES to the mat! Robertson quickly steps down from the apron having shoved Tryst down as he was about to fly! The fans nearly drown out our commentators with their boos!

 

Annie: HOW MANY TIMES DOES IT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS?

Ejiro: I KNOW! TRYST SLIPPED, YES, YOU’RE RIGHT!

 

The Bairnsdale native hit the mat with devastating impact, and lies in a twitching heap. Even Sexton by now has noticed, and checks on him. Dragon steps out of the ring, and climbs the corner directly opposite that which Tryst just fell from. Dragon stands on the second rope and gestures for his opponent to get up. Tryst obliges, pulling himself slowly to his feet. Members of the crowd shout in warning as Dragon climbs to the top rope.

 

Tryst rightens himself, and Dragon leaps forward directly at him! Tryst is still dazed and can only duck…as Dragon flies over his head!

 

Dragon sails over Tryst, falling behind him and grabbing the top of pants! Tryst is SNAPPED over and down HARD onto the mat! Dragon half stands and pushes down, pinning Tryst’s shoulders to the mat!

 

Judge: Oh my! Sunset flip off the top! This is it!

Ejiro: 1,2,3, it’s over!

 

Sexton counts it:

 

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO!!!

 

 

 

SHOULDER UP!

 

 

But Dragon is still holding the legs of Tryst, and he transfers his grip to the waist! With a huge effort, the European Champion is able to hoist Tryst up and hold him around his midsection, leaving him dangling down Dragon’s body! EngDrag hooks back Tryst’s flailing right arm with his right leg! Tryst struggles! Dragon hooks back the left arm with his left leg!

 

Dragon drops forwards, MASHING Tryst’s face and body into the mat under his own weight! The crowd, still furious, begs Tryst to kick out as Dragon slowly uses his legs, still interlocked with Tryst’s arms, to turn him over onto his back. Sexton goes down and covers, a little reluctantly perhaps:

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

TWO AND A HALF!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DING DING DING

 

FUNYON: Ladies and Gentleman, here is your winner- the ENGLISH DRAAAAAAAAAGOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

 

Judge: Dragon did it! That sunset flip from the top brought him close, but he held on and hit the Dragon Driver!

Ejiro: An awesome way to finish!

Annie: As well as my Maid Marian request, I’m going to put in a another- that Sexton Hardcastle is barred from refereeing any more English Dragon matches. Again, that slimy limey pulled the wool over Hardcastle’s eyes. It’s SICK! SICK I TELL YOU!

Ejiro: Jeez, what’s the matter with you? Didn’t you like the result or something?

Judge: Tryst and Dragon battled each other almost to a stand still, but thanks to-

Ejiro: -his wrestling skills and Tryst’s slippery feet-

Judge: - Dragon came out the winner again, and he’s on a roll. We just have one more match for you tonight- but what a match. Don’t move a muscle. We’ll be right back.

 

COMMERCIALS

[the.weej 0]

Judge: All right. It's time for the main event.

 

Ejiro: Holy shit! A huge fucking game of Calvinball!!! This'll be great!

 

Judge: And this game is going to start in the parking lot outside the arena, where a course has already been laid out. There will be two teams, each having their own flag. Randomly placed items, like wickets and flags, cover each team's side, and the Calvinball has been placed in the middle of the field. The two teams will be Manson, Korgath and Liston versus Conklin, McLennan and Apostle.

 

Ejiro: But don't expect those teams to stay the same. Anything can happen in Calvinball!

 

Annie: How come we don't have any women out there? What's up with that?

 

Judge: I think they want to keep valets out of this match. Why that is, I don't know.

 

Ejiro: Hey Annie, that means Janet's all alone in Conklin's dressing room.

 

Annie: ...Really? I think I'll take a walk, if you don't mind.

 

Judge: No, Annie, stay here.

 

Annie gets up and leaves the table. She walks up the ramp to the backstage area.

 

Judge: Well, I guess it's just you and me, buddy.

 

Ejiro: Yeah right. You think I'm gonna miss this? To hell with the table, I'm going outside to watch the match.

 

Ejiro leaves, and Judge sits alone at the announcer's table. Annie comes back down the ramp.

 

Annie: Where's Ejiro, that fucking liar? I'm gonna kill him!

 

Judge: He went outside to watch the match.

 

Annie: Well, he better hope I don't find him, cuz if I do, I'm gonna tie my strap-on to the end of my boot, and drive it so far up his ass that...

 

Judge: Forget it, Annie. Let's just go outside to watch the match.

 

Judge gets up, and walks up the ramp and out of the building, with Annie following. They enter the parking lot, where Annie sees Ejiro. She promptly runs at him, but is held back by Judge. The doors behind them burst open, and the six wrestlers come walking out and walk onto the playing field. Funyon also comes out, microphone in hand, and stands in the middle of the playing field, above the Calvinball.

 

Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to tonight's main event. This game of Calvinball has a few rules:

 

1. Every participant must wear their Calvinball mask at all times. No one is allowed to question the masks.

2. Any player may declare a new rule at any time, either audibly or silently, depending on what zone they're in.

3. A player may use the Calvinball in any way that player sees fit.

4. Any penalty legislation may be in the form of pain, embarrassment, or any degradation the rulee wishes to inflict upon the player.

5. The Calvinball Field consists of areas, or zones, which are governed by a set of rules declared by players. Zones may appear and disappear often and wherever the player decides. For example, a corollary zone would enable a player to make a corollary to any rule already made. Or a pernicious poem place would require the intruder to do what the name implies. Or an opposite zone would enable a player to declare reverse playability on the others.

6. Flags shall be named by players whom shall also assign the power and rules which shall govern that flag.

7. Songs are an integral part of Calvinball and verses must be sung spontaneously through the game when randomly assigned events occur.

8. Score may be kept or disregarded. In the event that score is kept, it shall have no bearing on the game nor shall it have any logical consistency to it.

9. Any rule above that is carried out during the course of the game may never be used again in the event that it causes the same result as a previous game. Calvinball games may never be played the same way twice.

 

Now introducing the players: On the red side of the field, weighing in at 215 pounds, from Denver, Colorado, MANSON!!!

 

A golf clap is heard from the three announcers.

 

Funyon: Also on the red team, weighing in at 350 pounds, from the Plains of Azeroth, DOMINIC KORGATH!!!

 

Polite clap.

 

Funyon: Finally, on the red team, weighing in at 228 pounds, from Boston, Massachusetts, JIMMY "THE DEMON" LISTON!!!

 

Silence.

 

Funyon: And introducing the blue team: Weighing in at 220 pounds, from Dublin, Ireland, DANNY CONKLIN!!!

 

Judge glances at his watch.

 

Funyon: Weighing in at 205 pounds, from Duncan, British Columbia, Canada, CRAIG MCLENNAN!!!

 

Annie glances at Ejiro.

 

Funyon: And, weighing in at 225 pounds, from Las Vegas, Nevada, THE APOSTLE!!!

 

Ejiro tries to keep a straight face as his rectum is invaded.

 

Funyon: Gentlemen, to your places, please.

 

Funyon blows a whistle, and the game begins. Manson runs to midfield and grabs the Calvinball just a second before anyone else reaches it. He pelts it at McLennan's face as Liston runs over the midfield line. McLennan catches the ball, and throws it at Liston. The poorly thrown ball lands at Liston's feet, and manages to trip him. Liston's jaw cracks against the asphalt. Korgath grabs the Calvinball, and runs with it into the blue side of the field. Conklin reaches the red flag, grabs it, and starts jumping wickets. Korgath spikes the Calvinball into McLennan's head, and goes for the blue flag. The Apostle takes the ball, and throws it at the back of Korgath's head, sending Korgath down over the boundary line. Liston grabs the blue flag, and runs to center field. Conklin tackles Liston, and takes the blue flag. Manson grabs Conklin's legs, and pulls him back to midfield. Korgath gets up, and retrieves the Calvinball. The Apostle and McLennan go to Conklin's aid as Liston rises, and Korgath comes running back into the field. Korgath makes a running jump, and lands on top of Liston, creating a domino effect that causes everyone to topple over. Liston throws punches at Korgath as The Apostle grabs the red flag. He runs into the blue field, and plants the flag on his side. Apostle declares that he scored a point, and the whistle blows.

 

Funyon: Point for the blue team! Penalty to Liston for attacking a team member.

 

Liston: What? He hit me first!!!

 

Funyon: Liston must sit out for five minutes.

 

Liston: Fuck that. I secede from the red team. I'm on my own team now.

 

Manson: Hey… you can do that?

 

Funyon: You can do anything.

 

Apostle: Kick ass! I secede!

 

Apostle drops McLennan with the Calvinball. Liston takes the red flag, and is pursued by Apostle.

 

Apostle: YOU'RE IN THE BACKWARDS ZONE! YOU HAVE TO TURN AROUND AND RUN BACKWARDS!!!

 

Liston: Hah! This backwards zone is in the reversal area! That means that whoever calls a zone has to do it themselves!

 

Apostle: FUCK!

 

Apostle continues to pursue Liston, running backwards. McLennan tackles Apostle, and Conklin grabs the blue flag. Korgath and Manson pounce on Liston, who pulls a wicket from the ground to protect himself. Korgath grabs the red flag, and McLennan chucks the Calvinball at him. Liston grabs a red polka-dot flag out of the ground, and touches Korgath with it.

 

Liston: I touched you with the bag flag.

 

Korgath: Bag flag? What's that?

 

Liston: It means you have to hop around in a bag until you find the zone of normality.

 

Korgath: Where's that?

 

Liston: It's hidden somewhere inside an opposite zone.

 

A water balloon is chucked at Liston as Korgath gets in the bag.

 

Conklin: Ha, Liston!!! I hit you with a vortex balloon! You have to spin around until you get sick!

 

Liston proceeds to spin in place as Conklin runs after Korgath with the Calvinball. Manson hops over the time-fracture wickets, blue flag in hand. He picks up the red flag, and declares a point. The whistle blows.

 

Funyon: Point for Manson. The score is Q13 to ZY4.

 

Apostle picks up a yellow flag.

 

Apostle: This is the max point flag! Anyone who scores with it gets high score!

 

Conklin hits Apostle with the Calvinball.

 

Conklin: Ha! I call you have to plant the max point flag on top of the arena to score!

 

Apostle runs off towards the arena, with Conklin and McLennan hot on his heels. Liston gets sick and falls over. He pukes on the blacktop, which Korgath slips on and falls, knocking out a few time-fracture wickets. Manson trips over Korgath.

 

Manson: You took out the time-fracture wickets!!! You have to touch the thirty yard base wicket with the flag, or hop on one foot.

 

Korgath: Hop on one foot inside a bag? Why do I always get screwed?

 

Liston: You better hurry, you only have 20 seconds to do it.

 

Korgath takes off with the red flag in his hand, hopping wickets while Manson continues his laps around the perpetual point place.

 

Liston: Wait, Manson! You just entered the water balloon challenge zone. I toss this water balloon in the air, and you have to catch it.

 

Liston tosses the balloon up in the air. Manson stays underneath it, arms outstretched.

 

Manson: That challenge zone was in a corollary zone! If I catch the balloon, the thrower has to bend over and hold still!

 

Liston: What?!

 

Manson stays under the balloon as it falls. Liston picks up a tennis racket, and chucks it at the balloon, which explodes in mid air. Manson is covered in the water.

 

Manson: You interfered with the challenge! Now you have to stay in the pernicious poem place, and apologize in haiku.

 

Liston thinks it over while Korgath returns, and touches Manson with the flag.

 

Korgath: Now you have to go and stick your head in the bucket of water while whistling the Star Spangled Banner.

 

Manson: Ah, but I declared this to not be an opposite zone. Which means that you don't have to go and do what you just said.

 

Korgath: SHIT! CAN'T I GET A BREAK?!?

 

Korgath hops over to the sidelines, where a bucket of cold water is waiting for him.

 

Liston: Quite sorry am I

Breaking the balloon was bad

To Hell shall I go

 

Manson: That haiku sucked.

 

Liston: I know.

 

Conklin, McLennan and Apostle appear on the roof of the arena. Apostle goes to plant the flag, but is hit by the Calvinball, thrown by Conklin. Apostle loses his balance, and topples from the roof, sliding down the curved dome. The max points flag falls to the parking lot below. Liston picks it up.

 

Liston: I've got the max point flag. If I score with it, the game is over and I win!

 

Conklin shouts down from the roof.

 

Conklin: You picked up the flag before it was scored with, so you have to plant the flag up here to score.

 

A wet Korgath hops back and touches Liston with a pink-striped flag.

 

Korgath: And I touched you with the enhancement flag, which means you have to go above and beyond the previous challenge. You have to plant the flag on top of the Empire State Building.

 

Liston: ...Fuck you all.

 

Liston takes off down the road. Everyone pauses, stunned that he is actually going to try it. Then they all take off after him, except for Apostle, who is still stuck on the side of the arena. Liston runs to the back of the arena, hops in a limo, and tells the driver to go to the airport. The limo is hit by the Calvinball as it speeds off. All the other wrestlers get into their own cars as Apostle comes out the back entrance. They all head after the limo. They all arrive at the airport, and Liston jumps out of his limo first. All the rest wait for valet parking. Liston runs through the central concourse of the airport, before he realizes that he can't pay for a plane ticket. He pushes the lady at the check-in desk aside, and slides down the ramp into the baggage area. Korgath and Conklin are the first into the airport. They search around, but can't find Liston anywhere. Conklin runs through a security checkpoint while Korgath checks the restrooms. Manson and McLennan enter next, and they proceed directly to the airline desks, attempting to purchase tickets for the next flight to New York City. Finally, Apostle enters. He begins to follow the others, when he happens to glance out one of the picture windows lining the hallway. Through it, he sees the baggage being loaded onto planes. And there, in the third car of a baggage convoy, he sees Liston, still holding the yellow flag. Apostle breaks through the window, and runs after the baggage convoy, attracting the attention of his fellow wrestlers and the airport security. Liston looks back, and sees Apostle being detained by security. He laughs as the convoy approaches a large jet. As the bags from the first car are being loaded, Liston jumps off the back of the cart, and hides behind the landing gear. When the baggage man finished with the load of luggage, he turned back to the terminal to pick up another cart. Liston makes his move, climbing up into the belly of the plane. He finds a dark corner and waits for take-off. Meanwhile, back in the terminal, all the wrestlers are being detained by security. They are forced to wait in a small office while Officer Johnston interrogates. Once Officer Johnston is satisfied that they are not terrorists, he releases them. They all run up to the window, and look to see the plane making its way across the runway. Apostle runs over to the airline desk, and asks for the next flight to New York City, scheduled to leave in two hours.

 

A few hours later, a cramped Liston falls out of the baggage hold, and finds himself lying beside the airplane, which is parked at a terminal of Boston's Logan Airport. Confused by how he managed to end up here, and by the many security men rushing towards him, Liston feels the best thing to do is to run away, down the runway, and hop into Boston Harbor, which is exactly what he does. Liston swims across the harbor, and makes his way to the World Trade Center. He hops on a shuttle bus, which takes him to South Station. He then takes the Red Line to Cambridge, where he seeks out a three-story yellow house, and knocks on the door. The Boston Strangler opens the door, and stares at the wet, messy, yellow-flag-wielding Liston standing on his doorstep.

 

Liston: Hey, you got to help me. I need to win this game of Calvinball. I've got five guys on my back, and I need to plant this flag on top of the Empire State Building.

 

TBS: You know, while Calvin and Hobbes kicks ass, I could really care less about your stupid game of Calvinball right now.

 

Liston: Hey, c'mon. We're supposed to be buddies.

 

TBS: Yeah, but MXC is on, man. It's the greatest show on TNN.

 

Liston: So fucking record it on your TiVo. I need to get to New York, now!

 

TBS: Ok, I do not set foot in New York as a rule. New York sucks. However, if you are that desperate, you can take my car.

 

Liston: Thanks, man.

 

TBS: But not the good car. You can take the shitty minivan.

 

Liston: Aw, come on!!!

 

TBS: Hey, cars I drive do NOT go to New York. Fucking Yankees, think they're so great.

 

Liston: Fine, give me the keys.

 

Liston jumps into the minivan, starts the engine, and makes his way to the Mass Pike, driving west like a soccer mom late for a practice. He manages to get across the state within the hour, and gets into New York City an hour later. As is usual with New York, traffic was a bitch. Liston eventually decided to ditch the minivan and run to the Empire State Building. Liston, who has no idea of where he is going, relies entirely upon the city skyline to direct him. As a result, he does not see the Calvinball that skins his nose before crashing through a shop window.

 

Conklin: SHIT! HOW'D I MISS?!?

 

Danny Conklin and Manson run across the street after Liston, while Korgath goes to retrieve the Calvinball. Liston makes some distance before McLennan bursts out of a phone booth and tackles him. Liston falls to the ground, and desparately tries to get up as McLennan pries at the flag in Liston's left hand. Conklin and Manson approach as Korgath sends the Calvinball right into the side of McLennan's head. McLennan falls off of Liston, who jumps to his feet and takes off down the street. Conklin picks up the Calvinball and charges down after him, with Manson close behind. McLennan gets up and starts bitching at Korgath.

 

McLennan: Hey! What the fuck was that all about?

 

Korgath: Sorry, I missed.

 

McLennan: Bullshit! You were trying to take me out! You fucking bastard!!!

 

Korgath punches McLennan in the face, sending him to the sidewalk. McLennan's head crashes against the cement, and he is knocked out cold.

 

Korgath: That shut you up.

 

Korgath takes off down the street. When McLennan eventually comes to, he hails a cab and instructs the driver to take him to the Empire State Building. Meanwhile, Liston has made it to the base of the building. He pushes on into the lobby, despite his fatigue, and starts up the stairs. He turns the corner at the sixth floor, and comes face-to-face with Apostle.

 

Apostle: No way you're getting through me. I'm taking that flag from you.

 

Liston: Yeah... *huff*... well... *huff*

 

Apostle: Damn, you're so tired, you can't even talk. Just give me the flag, and I'll finish this.

 

Liston: Over... my... dead...

 

Apostle: Fine.

 

Apostle gives Liston a push, sending him into the wall. Apostle then starts throwing his fists into any part of Liston left uncovered. Liston shrinks away, and enters the sixth floor through the stairwell door. He pushes a button as he runs by the elevators, mentally kicking himself for not taking it in the first place. Liston rounds a corner, and comes to a dead end hallway, with nothing but plate glass windows at the end. Liston turns back as Apostle rounds the corner.

 

Apostle: Give me the flag, now. Either way, I'll still get it. Why not make it easy on yourself?

 

Liston: Fuck you! I CALL UPON THE POWER OF G0R0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

There is a rumble, and the earth begins to shake under their feet. Through the windows, Liston can see a yellow cab screech to a halt outside the building, and McLennan running into the building.

 

Liston: G0R0!!! I SUMMON THEE!!!!

 

Footsteps shake the ground as G0R0 approaches the building. He lets our a mighty roar before climbing the building.

 

G0R0: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

As G0R0 climbs the Empire State Building, his giant hands and feet smash through the walls of the building. His foot comes through right behind Liston. Liston jumps onto G0R0's boot, and is carried up by the giant. As G0R0 approaches the top, Liston can hear the buzzing sound of approaching helicopters. Army copters approach the climbing G0R0, and start shooting at him. G0R0 stops climbing, and starts swatting at the copters. Liston decides this is as good a time as any to get off, and crawls through a hole in the wall, making his way back to the elevators. On the roof, The other four wrestlers wait for the elevator to arrive.

 

*ding*

 

The doors open. Conklin chucks the Calvinball into the empty elevator. After a second of inactivity, the wrestlers approach closer, wondering where Liston could have got to. Suddenly, the doors close behind them. Apostle presses the door open button, but it's too late. The elevator is already on its way down.

 

Korgath: What's going on?

 

Apostle: Somebody in the lobby called the elevator, see? We're going all the way down.

 

The elevator arrives at the lobby, the doors open to reveal McLennan.

 

McLennan: Did I miss him? Is he here already?

 

Manson: YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! WE ALMOST HAD HIM!!!

 

Apostle: McLennan... I hate you... so much...

 

Meanwhile, back on the roof, Liston arrives in a second elevator. He walks through the doors to the outside of the building, and looks up at the antennae. There, at the tip, is the place to plant the yellow flag. Liston grabs hold of the ladder, and begins to climb. He climbs up the radio antennae, stopping only once when he hears the voices of his pursuers below him. Liston continues to climb, unaware of Conklin on Korgath's shoulders, preparing to throw the Calvinball. Liston reaches the top and looks back. The Calvinball comes whizzing towards him. Liston reaches out, and catches it.

 

Liston: Ha! I caught the Calvinball!!! That means that all of you have got to stand still while I chuck it back at you.

 

Conklin: Oh, shit.

 

Liston throws the Calvinball back, striking Korgath in the forehead. The big man topples, bringing down all of the wrestlers below him. The five of them fall to the roof of the Empire State Building. Liston turns back, and plants the yellow flag on the tip of the antennae.

 

Judge: HOLY SHIT! LISTON WINS! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

 

Funyon: Here is your winner, JIMMY "THE DEMON" LISTON!!!!!!!!!

 

Ejiro: That was the most fucked-up game of Calvinball I've ever seen.

 

Annie: Well, it couldn't have gone to a better guy.

 

Judge and Ejiro stare at Annie.

 

Annie: What? He's gay, you know.

 

Ejiro: No he's not.

 

Annie: Sure he is! Look at him, at the way he dresses. And his escort being a man, probably his lover.

 

Judge: Annie, Liston is not gay. Not Liston, not Sullivan, no way.

 

Annie: Whatever you say... but I'm telling you he is. Takes one to know one, after all. I respect Liston as an openly gay man in an industry where such things are not well accepted. I mean, look at Billy Gunn.

 

Judge: Ok, Annie, that's enough.

 

Annie: Don't you oppress me!

 

Ejiro: He's not oppressing you, he's telling you to shut the fuck up!

 

Annie: Well, I don't have to take any more of this. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

 

Ejiro: Good.

 

Annie: And I'm taking my strap-on with me. Let's have it, Ejiro.

 

Ejiro: Man, just when it was getting comfortable...

 

©2003 SJL Productions

[the.weej 0]

Results:

 

I am lazy, and thusly, this is all the results you get. Muaha~

 

Seriously, though, a rather disappointing show all-around. Too many no-shows. Congrats to the people who did bother to write, however.

 

Card should be up... eventually.