New Year's Spectacular 2007

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

Cole's Bar will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you this special presentation from the One And Only AngleSault Thread!

TV-14

L,V

* DUN DUN DUN DUNNA, DUN DUN DUNNA *

Across a river, over a bunch of mountains, through fields, sweeping past trees and bushes, hovering over the skyline of New York City, the OAOAST logo flies through the air...before sweeping down, brushing past an elderly man who seems understandably shocked to see six over-sized letters fly past him. The logo continues going, nearing a house...which luckily, a woman is leaving, meaning the logo can sweep through the open door, continuing on down the hallfway and into the living room where a young kid is sat on his computer. It sweeps past him, hitting the computer...which explodes with a flash, lighting up much to the kid shock and delight.

THE OAOAST...WHAT THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD IS READING~!

Spiffy graphics (Papacita, where are you?) appear on screen as "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys plays.

THE VOICE~!

And NOW...the One And Only AngleSault Thread presents...NEW YEAR'S SPECTACULAR: MAINFRAME MONDAY~!

BOOM~!

B O O M ~ !

As "Sabotage" continues rocking through the P.A. system, the camera pans over the wild crowd ready to go at the Ocean Center. The following words appear on the top left hand corner of the screen.

LIVE!

DAYTONA BEACH, FLORIDA

SWOOP~! on over to our hosts standing on top of the world famous INTERVIEW STAGE wearing their usual attire (you know what it is)!

TONY SCHIAVONE

Happy New Year from everybody in the OAOAST! Hello everyone, and welcome to the first One And Only AngleSault Thread event of the year 2007, New Year's Spectacular: Mainframe Monday! I'm Tony Schiavone and with me as always is the one and only Jesse "The Body" Ventura, ready for another year of exciting action here in the OAOAST!

JESSE "THE BODY" VENTURA

I tell ya, Schiavone, I'm PUMPED UP! 2006 was an amazing year for the OAOAST, but I have a feeling that things will only get better in 2007!

SCHIAVONE

You maybe right Jess, and 2007 starts off with a first here in the OAOAST. Our first ever interactive show! Yes, fans from all over the world voted on OAOAST.com to decide what titles will be on the line, which wrestlers will fight, and what type of match wrestlers will have! 8 matches are scheduled for tonight, and the fans had a hand in deciding how all these matches would be fought!

VENTURA

It's about time that the OAOAST gave the fans some control! The One And Only AngleSault Thread is home to the best fans in the world, and these fans are finally getting some appreciation in the form of this show!

SCHIAVONE

Standing by to announce the results of the voting are "Mean" Gene Okuerland and the lovely Maria!

Cut to a set that's a few feet away from the interview stage. An OAOAST New Year's Spectacular: Mainframe Monday banner is placed on the set for decoration. A laptop is also there, placed on top of a glass table. "Mean" Gene Okuerland and Maria are standing by. The crowd cheers.

"MEAN" GENE OKUERLAND

Thank you, Tony. Hi fans! "Mean" Gene Okuerland here, with the lovely Maria! We will be here all night checking on the voting that is still going on right now as we speak at OAOAST.com. Remember, voting ends just before the match begins, so if you haven't voted yet, do so now. Maria, are you ready for the difficult task of announcing the results of the voting?

MARIA

Yep!

MEAN GENE

All right then! Let's send it over to the announcers for tonight's show, Michael Cole and Jonathon Coachman!

Cut to Double C at Sofa Central~!

MICHAEL COLE

Thanks Gene! Hello everybody and welcome to the first OAOAST show of the year! 8 incredible matches are scheduled for tonight. The OAOAST World Tag Team Titles are on the line in either a Battle Royal, Tag Team Turmoil, or a Triple Chance Battle Royal! Either the 24/7, X-Division, or Heartland Title will be on the line in a Triple Threat Match between Bohemoth, Reject, and Thunderkid! Brock Ausstin takes on "The Manitoba Mammoth" Deon Black in either a Steel Cage Match, a Street Fight, or a Tables Match! D*LUX battles Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua in either a Steel Cage Match, Tables Match, or Latino Thug Street Fight! A 20-man New Year's Knockout X-Division Battle Royal with the 20th entrant voted by you! Los Conquistadors will take on Los Diablos De Fugeo in either a Mexican Deathmatch, Barbed Wire Coal Miner's Glove Match, or an Inflatable Sheep On A Pole Match! "Urban Legend" Todd Cortez takes on either Scotty Stactic, Johnny Jax, or Jamie O' Hara!

JONATHON "THE COACH" COACHMAN

ANNND, don't forget the main event! My man, "Reckless" Drek Stone will return to the ring to defend his OAOAST World Heavyweight Title against either the past, the present, or the future of the OAOAST!

COLE

That's right, Coach. Either CWM, Tony Brannigan, or Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix will battle Drek Stone for the chance to wear the richest prize in our industry! But which man will it be? Voting is still open, so go to OAOAST.com and cast your vote to decide which man our 'wonderful' Champion will take on tonight in our main event.

COACH

Go Drek!

COLE

Right now, let's send it over to "Mean" Gene Okuerland and Maria so that they can reveal the voting results for our first match of the night! Gene?

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

MENE GENE

All right, ladies and gentlemen, right here in Dayton Beach, Florida...

*CHEAP POP!*

MENE GENE

...the OAOAST World Tag Team Championships will be on the line. Again, three choices of match and either way, it's going to be a tough task for the reigning champs, The Sooner Bruisers, Maria.

MARIA

...DAYTONA BEACH!!!!

*CHEAP POP!*

Like an overexcited child, Maria jumps up and down clapping her hands.

MENE GENE

Okay, let's see what we're in for here. Either a Traditional Over The Top Rope Battle Royal, a Tag Team Turmoil Match or a Triple Chance Battle Royal, you the fans have been voting and now, let's see just what you have chosen...

A) Over The Top Rope Battle Royal: 8%

B) Triple Chance Battle Royal: 28%

C) Tag Team Turmoil Match: 64%

MENE GENE

Well, it's pretty overwhelming Maria, we're going to see Tag Team Turmoil erupt here tonight in Daytona Beach! In the event of this choice, order of entry was determined earlier tonight with a random drawing. So without any further ado, let's get the first two teams out here. It's Tag Team Turmoil and it begins RIGHT NOW...

*WHIIIR!*

"Doctor, doctor, give me the news

I've got a bad case of lovin' you

No pill's gonna cure my ill

I've got a bad case of lovin' you"

As "Bad Case Of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)" by Robert Palmer hits it seems the luck of the draw hasn't favoured The Love Doctors as they emerge through the curtains, the first entrants in this Tag Team Turmoil Match. They're not disheartened though, far from it. They're happy to be here in the OAOAST on a New Year's Day and they show it by bumping and grinding to their theme music, driving the female fans wild!

MICHAEL BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is TAG TEAM TURMOIL for the OAOAST Tag Team Championship of the WORLD! The match will start with entrants one and two, with eliminations occuring via pinfall, submission, disqualification or countouts. The one team left standing at the end of Tag Team Turmoil will be crowned World Tag Team Champions! Introducing first, team number one... both hailing from Chicago, Illinois... at a total combined weight of four hundred, thirty six pounds. They are former HI-YAH World Tag Team Champions... DR. STEVEN PIGLEY and DR. MAX ANDERSON... THE LLLLLLLLOOOOOOOVVEEEE DDOOOOOCCTTOOOORRRRRSSSSSSS!!

"YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

Thank you Mene Gene and Maria and it's time for Tag Team Turmoil. The Love Doctors, entrants number one, which puts them at the disadvantage tonight although technically they're at no more of a disadvantage than whoever plucked number two.

COACH

To steal an old addage, they've actually got an advantage over team number two. They can jump them when they try and get in the ring.

COLE

I don't think that's the way The Docs' work.

COACH

Yeah, we'll see.

The Doctors of Doctornomics discard their white coats, Anderson hanging his stethoscope up over in his team's corner. The Love Doctors then wait on their first of a possible five opponents, all eyes turning to the entrance way...

...as "Call Me" by Blondie hits.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH

Aw no!

COLE

Well, at least we know Theodore Moneymaker hasn't had a hand in the draw's outcome, if you know what I mean!

Clearly not happy with their position in the match, Ned Blanchard and Simon Singleton trudge out, still complaining amongst each other and with Mackenzie DeCenzo about the vote, the draw, the conspiracy against them and so on. Mackenzie pulls her team together though, starting up a rally cry which ends with The Blonds marching determinedly to the ring.

BUFFER

And introducing the team entering at number two. From Beverly Hills, California! They are accompanied to the ring by their manager, The Chief Financial Officer of The Enterprise, MACKENZIE DECENZO! At a total combined weight of four hundred and sixty pounds... together, former HI-YAH World Tag Team Champions and the former two-time OAOAST World Tag Team Champions. Representing THE ENTERPRISE... "THE HANDSOME HUSTLER" NED BLANCHARD... "THE VIDEO VOYEUR" SIMON SINGLETON... THE BEVEEEERRRRLLLYYY HHHIIIIIILLLSSS BLLLLOOOOOOOONDSSSSS!!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE

When The Beverly Hills Blonds drew number two earlier, it's safe to say they were hoping on either of the battle royals coming up and making it null and void. But not to be and now, they must go through all five opponents to once again hold the World Tag Team Titles tonight.

COACH

Not a problem.

COLE

Including Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright, their Enterprise co-horts.

COACH

...not a problem?

The Blonds have strategised during their introduction and once Buffer leaves the ring, the two give a sudden nod to each other before storming the ring!

*DINGDINGDING!*

The bell quickly sounds, but not quickly enough for The Love Doctors who are blindsighted by The Blonds! Ned and Simon pound Pigley and Anderson down to their knees with forearms and right hands before they set up stereo irish whips. Stereo reversals put pay to that though, Ned and Simon hitting the ropes instead. The Blonds are forced underneath by stereo leapfrogs, then over top from stereo drop-downs, The Docs leaping back up and manging to fit in a quick STEREO PELVIC THRUST before leaping up and landing stereo Standing Dropkicks, sending both The Beverly Hills Blonds scurrying to the floor!!

*CLAP!*

COLE

And The Docs looking to dive here early on!

Ned and Simon regroup on the floor and embrace, Simon checking on a possible split lip for The Handsome Hustler. Their team get together is interrupted by Mackenzie DeCenzo though, shrieking at The Blonds to pay attention as here comes Dr. Anderson...

...RIGHT THROUGH THE ROPES WITH A TOPÉ CON HÍLO!!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

Wow! Dr. Anderson bowling through the Blonds like skittles! And The Love Doctors showing their intent early on!

COACH

I think we need a reshoot!

If Ned is having visions of going back to his trailer right now, he's out of luck as Dr. Anderson is perfectly fine with how the shoot is going right now. And he pitches Ned back into the ring, where Dr. Pigley is waiting. Wringing out the arm, Pigley measures up the chest...

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...and lands a scalpel-like knifedge chop!

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...and another! Of course, combos come in threes, so Pigley rears back again...

...Ned ducks his head...

...so Pigley stomps on Ned's foot! Ned howls in pain as the crowd howl back with laughter, The Handsome Hustler left hopping on one foot, allowing Dr. Pigley to spin and sweep out the standing leg!

COLE

Looks like Ned's a step off the pace here.

COACH

It's his groin. He's in there with two Doctors with a serious injury and instead of helping him out, they're attacking him!

As he gets back to his feet it's clear Blanchard is disorientated as he staggers backwards, which allows Pigley to come off the ropes. A wild swipe from Ned finds nothing but air as Pigley ducks underneath and comes back off the opposite ropes, running at Ned and propelling himself forward with a high crossbody. Seeing it coming, Blanchard manages to catch Pigley and in his irritation, tosses him overhead. But his wise move is upstaged by the Doc who hangs onto Ned's arms, using it to lever Blanchard over and DOWN on the back of his head with the Crucifix Bomb...

1...

2...

NOOO!!

"OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

No, only two! The Love Doctors almost making short work of The Beverly Hills Blonds!

COACH

Ned needs a medical timeout. Infact, maybe we should get his stunt-double out here to let him rest up.

Keeping on Blanchard, Pigley pulls The Handsome Hustler to his feet and shoots him off into the turnbuckles. Steven then takes a full run-up across the ring, before charging in with an avalanche... NO! Ned gets his knee up and Pigley runs straight into it!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Finally Ned has some sort of an advantage over Dr. Steven. But he's still feeling the effect of the Crucifix Bomb and collapses back into the corner, thankful that Simon Singleton has managed to incapacitate Dr. Max momentarily and has entered the ring. A Million $ Kneelift cuts down Pigley, Simon making with the 'money fingers' as he makes the cover...

1...

2...

No!

COLE

Quick cover from Simon. Both these teams know they've got four more matches waiting if they want to survive Tag Team Turmoil, so the quicker they can survive this one the better.

Trying to get a double-team going, there's little sympathy from Simon as he tells Ned to get back up. He knows they need to strike and strike quickly if they stand a chance in Tag Turmoil. Singleton hooks on a front facelock, waiting for Ned to do the same before setting the Double Suplex...

...however, it doesn't get that far, as Anderson catches Pigley on the way over. Pigley tumbles to a more safe landing while The Blonds turn around, confused to find a different Doctor waiting on them. Boot to Simon. Boot to Ned. And a Double DDT, planting both the Beverly Hills natives on their Blond heads!! And with referee Charles Robinson still unable to get control, Max chances his luck, covering both Blonds...

1...

2...

Double Kickout!

As he notices his partner taking a chance to regroup, Dr. Anderson has to pick his next patient quickly. So he pulls Simon back to his knees, letting The Video Voyeur do the rest as he hits the ropes, looking for the big Lariat. A duck from Simon takes Dr. Max right into Ned Blanchard though, The Handsome Hustler sneaking to his feet and planting Anderson with a Spinebuster!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH

How's THAT for an Anderson Spinebuster?

COLE

Well, we are approaching Anderson Cup season. Maybe that might get Ned a better seeding.

Over in her director's chair, Mackenzie looks a little more relaxed with proceedings now. Singleton drags Dr. Anderson to his feet and executes a Backbreaker. He then pins Anderson down, while Ned scales the ropes, coming off the 2nd with the point of elbow to Max's chest!

COACH

There we go! Now we're going to see just why The Beverly Hills Blonds are the best tag team in the business, when they're on the same page there's nobody better.

COLE

They're the proverbial well-oiled machine. I think many would argue against them being the best though.

Cover is made by Simon...

1...

2...

Kickout!

Ned rolls out of the ring and goes after Pigley on the floor. They end up in a slugfest at ringside, going punch for punch, toe to toe, leaving Singleton alone in the ring with Dr. Anderson.

"AN - DER - SON!"

Pulling the aforechanted Anderson back to his feet, Simon loads him up for an irish whip. Hitting the turnbuckles hard, out of the corner stumbles Dr. Anderson, met on the way out with a boot to the gut, setting him up as Singleton hits the ropes. On the way back Simon grabs the head, swinging the Doctor around... but Anderson spins out of the Swinging Neckbreaker attempt, into a small package...

1...

2...

NO!

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

Again, a close call for The Blonds!

It doesn't seem like Simon knows what happened even after his kickout and re-reaching his feet, walking absent-mindedly into a boot from Anderson. A boot to the collarbone snaps Singleton upright again, as Dr. Anderson does a quick 360 and lands a Spinning Backfist reminiscent of Kenta Kobashi! A second backfist connects. But Anderson isn't actually Kobashi, so Singleton is still standing. So Dr. Anderson turns for the ropes...

...and lands a BASEBALL SLIDE on Ned Blanchard!

"YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Ned faceplants into the arena floor, freeing up Dr. Pigley. Meanwhile, ever the sneak, Simon Singleton spots an opportunity to strike without detection, running in at Dr. Anderson with the old school double-sledge. If Anderson thinks everything is okay, Dr. Pigley is right on hand to give him a second opinion, just in time for Max to throw his foot back and block Simon with a mule kick! And with Simon hurting, The Doctors have time to gather in the ring, waiting for The Video Voyeur to turn around... right into a DOUBLE FLATLINER!!

COLE

Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

COACH

Shut up!

Legal man be damned, as Dr. Pigley makes the cover, Dr. Anderson guarding off any interruption from Ned...

1...

2...

TWO COUNT!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Such is the troubled situation her men find themselves in, Mackenzie is out of her director's chair and pounding the apron with her fists in a vain attempt to get The BHB to focus.

COLE

Mackenzie looks worried and rightfully so! Maybe she needs to flash...

COACH

YEAH! WHOO!

COLE

...some money...

COACH

Oh.

COLE

...that seems to be the one language that Blanchard and Singleton respond to nowadays.

Mackenzie's yelling doesn't seem to be working though, as The Love Doctors give the call for the Lovematic Grampa! Ducking low, Pigley takes Singleton up and down onto the knee with the Inverted Atomic Drop, setting him up for Dr. Anderson...

...LOWBRIDGE AHEAD! Dr. Anderson goes tumbling out of the ring, courtesy of a tug of the top rope by Ned Blanchard!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE

Oh, come on!

Referee Charles Robinson doesn't see what happened, just the results, unable to do anything about it as he didn't actually see any foul doings. And before he question Ned, he's gone too, as Dr. Pigley dropkicks The Handsome Hustler off the apron! Pigley then turns around, just in time to block another attempted charge from Singleton with a back elbow. Drawing the crowd behind him, Pigley then vaults up to the middle rope, backflipping towards The Video Voyeur with a QUEBRA...

...DROPKICK!!! SIMON DROPKICKS PIGLEY OUT OF MID-AIR!!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

COLE

Oh, MY! Steven was UPSIDE DOWN when he got dropkicked and he might have landed right on his head for good measure!

Relieved to be okay, Simon takes a breather. Not good enough for Mackie though, her yelling encouraging Simon to wrap Pigley up for the pin...

1...

2...

3!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

*DINGDING!*

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, The Love Doctors have been eliminated!

COACH

Yeah! One down!

"You say its urgent

Make it fast, make it urgent

Do it quick, do it urgent

Gotta rush, make it urgent

Want it quick

Urgent, urgent, emergency

So urgent, emergency

Emer... emer... emer...

Its urgent"

"YYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

No sooner has Simon began celebrating his pinfall than "Urgent" by Foreigner heralds the arrival of the third team in Tag Turmoil, the rookies of the match, Rescue 911! Officer Bosley and EMT Tim, no strangers to The Beverly Hills Blonds to say the least. They jog to the ring as The Blonds again curse their luck, having to face the one team in the line-up with the most desire to beat them.

COLE

No rest for the wicked here in Tag Team Turmoil and the representatives of the OAOAST's First Responders Unit are the next challenge for The Blonds. The Blonds who in the past few months have plenty of history with Rescue 911. And The Blonds who only barely escaped match one.

COACH

If these guys are as 'nice' as you made out on Thursday night, they'd give Ned and Simon a break to catch their breath.

COLE

That's not how this works Coach.

COACH

I know, but I maintain that true nice guys would cut them some slack.

COLE

Then it that case Rescue 911 must not be that nice!

Indeed, because Bosley and Cash are in and they're not going to fall for Simon's attempts to beg off. They're going to go to work on The Video Voyeur!

"YYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

*DINGDING!*

The bell for match number two sounds, but is barely heard as the crowd cheer on the offensive flurry of Rescue 911! Officer Bosley lands a right hand on Simon, who staggers back into a right from EMT Tim! Right from Bosley! Right from EMT Tim! Bosley! Tim! Bosley! Tim! And Simon Singleton, resembling a ping-pong ball more and more as this sequence goes on, eventually calls for the First Responders to stop... before Flair-flopping face-first into the canvas!

COACH

So much for 'protect the innocent'. Simon innocently asked for a timeout and he gets attacked by both of these so called 'nice-guys'. This is grossly unfair!

Bosley removes his police hat and glasses, EMT Tim disposing of his EMT coat as they're ready for business. Being a team that obeys the law, Rescue 911 follow the tag team format. Officer Bosley goes to the corner while EMT Tim assumes the position of legal man.

"9 - 1 - 1!"

Rushing around ringside, Mackenzie drags Ned over to Beverly Hills territory, sensing trouble...

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...as Singleton takes a knifedge chop!

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...and a second! As Ned climbs groggily back to the apron, Tim then lands a straight kick to the gut before setting off into the ropes...

...LOWBRIDGE AHEAD...

...but this time, Ned's tactic DOESN'T work! Tim stops short of the hazard, waiting for it to sink in for The Handsome Hustler before clotheslining the despairing Blanchard off the apron!

"YYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

Not a lot has gone right for The Beverly Hills Blonds so far tonight. Maybe their New Year's preparations weren't all they should have been.

COACH

Or, maybe it's because Ned Blanchard is an injured man!

With Ned dealt with, Tim now safely runs the ropes. Singleton has recovered enough to leapfrog over the emergency medical technician however, dropping down as Tim rebounds off the over side. Again, Tim is a step ahead though, leaping over Simon and coming to an immediate stop. Little does Simon know his tactic didn't work, standing back up pointing to his temple (which means he has the brains, of course), only to turn around into a dropkick to the mush (which means he doesn't have the brains)! Cover follows...

1...

2...

No!

Wringing out the arm as he brings Singleton to his feet, Tim makes the tag, bringing in the Officer. Bosley scales the turnbuckles and drops the double sledge down into the shoulder. Taking over the arm wringer, Bosley waits for Tim's feet to hit the apron and hands to clench the tag rope, before making the tag rightback. This time it's Tim off the top, dropping his own double sledge to the shoulder before going back to the wristlock. The Video Voyeur tries to go for the hair, but EMT Tim shakes it off, wringing the arm out again causing Simon to drop to his knees, whining in pain.

COLE

Smart tag team wrestling from Rescue 911 here. They know Simon and Ned are lagging after starting this Tag Turmoil Match and they're keeping it simple, not expending energy where it's unneccessary.

COACH

But they're not winning this match with a mere wristlock or two. Especially against The Beverly Hills Blonds.

With the arm in close control, the agile EMT brings his leg over top, down across the shoulder with a kick. That breaks the wristlock momentarily, but he re-applies it just as quickly and goes for the tag again. A punch to the gut from Singleton delays that idea. Another punch and EMT Tim is forced to re-assert the arm wringer and wristlock. Which he does... so Simon goes to the eyes!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Literally scrambling across the ring, it's clear Simon has had enough as he tags Ned Blanchard in. Blanchard runs in and immediately takes Tim down via a handful of hair, not playing around anymore as he clamps him hands around the EMT's throat and starts to blatantly choke away!

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!"

"FOUR!"

Ned breaks before the five count, only to re-apply the choke...

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!"

"FOUR!"

"FI..."

Another break, but this time it doesn't matter, as Officer Bosley has tried to enter the ring and help his partner out. Referee Robinson cuts him off and as the two authority figures argue about what's happening, it allows Blanchard to start GOUGING THE EYES of EMT Tim!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH

Oh, the irony! It's... it's delicious, it really is!

Eventually Officer Bosley goes back to the corner, but by then Ned has transitioned to an innocent rear chinlock. The fact Tim is squinting for vision gives Robinson plenty of suspicion. But again, if he didn't see it, he can't call it. So he allows Ned to carry on, pulling EMT Tim to his feet in the chinlock and dumping him in a neutral corner. Blanchard gives Tim a quick jab across the jaw before laying into the rookie with a flurry of kicks, stomping the proverbial mudhole in the EMT bah gawd!

COLE

A little bit of ferocity from Ned Blanchard all of a sudden! His groin must be feeling better all of a sudden.

COACH

Wouldn't you like to know?

Ned stomps Tim down until he's pinned against the bottom turnbuckle before reaching down, hanging the feet over his shoulders and hauling him up...

...sitting out with a Powerbomb out of the corner!

1...

2...

EMT Tim grabs the bottom rope.

Bad move, because that just frustrates The Handsome Hustler. Waiting for an opening, Ned drills the point of his elbow down into the back of Tim's neck. And again. And again! Officer Bosley tries to get Robinson to enforce the law a little more strictly, his concerns coming too late as the limp body of EMT Tim is dragged from the corner and left laying in centre ring.

BLANCHARD

HAVE THE BOYS BRING THE AMBULANCE AROUND, THEIR BUDDY'S DONE!

1...

2...

NO!

Not for the first time, Ned's mouth doesn't get him anywhere. And to save any more embarrasment, he tags in Simon Singleton, who's mouth rarely gets much mileage when Ned's around let's be fair.

"E - M - T!"

Pulling Tim back, limply, to one knee, Simon drives his elbow into the neck. And again, Tim left hurting down on that one knee. Simon takes the chance to turn to Officer Bosley, mocking the law officer by 'rolling cameras' before knocking down EMT Tim down with a Spinning Heel Kick! No time to waste, he follows it right up with a cover...

1...

2...

No!

Again The Beverly Hills Blonds make the tag, Ned coming in to help with a double irish whip. That leads to a sequence that The Blonds have got down so well that they never require a retake - Drop Toehold by Simon, point of the elbow down by Ned, Simon exiting the ring as Ned makes the pin...

1...

2...

No!

BLANCHARD

COME ON CHARLES!

After a brief arguement with referee Robinson, Ned remembers he's in a match and digs the point of his elbow into Tim's orbital bone, grinding away over the eye until a break is called. Ned then starts to pull Tim back up. But the support for the EMT of one youngster in the crowd distract him and he breaks away to argue with him. An 'up yours' later and Ned goes back to the EMT... and takes a punch to the gut!

"YYEEEAAAHHH!"

Ned shakes it off, but takes another punch!

"YYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!"

And Tim rears back again... SO NED GOUGES THE EYES!!

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!"

"FOUR!"

"FI..."

Breaking before five, Ned glares at the young child again and flicks the sweat (and eye fluid) off his hand in his direction, to NUCLEAR heat from the fans!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE

Wow, Ned Blanchard is just a jerk!

COACH

He's not. He's giving that young fan a sense of interaction with this great match.

COLE

Yeah right. He's not going to win Father Of The Year any time soon and you saw a good example right there.

COACH

I'm going to ignore that slander and point out Ned needs to put these human GI Joe wannabees to bed, because there's still three teams waiting in the wings they have to beat.

Back to the action now and Ned pins Tim's head down, exposing the ear as he drops a BIG knee! Tim writhes in pain for a moment before Ned makes an arrogant lateral press...

1...

2...

No!

"FUCK YOU NED!"

COACH

Come on now! Talk about people who won't win Father Of The Year, how about everyone in this arena chanting that with children in the arena!?

Ned seems momentarily thrown off and Mackenzie's pleas for "quite on the set" fall on deaf ears, so she calls Ned over to make the tag, defusing the situation a little.

COACH

Great management. Mackie's not just a pretty face, she's re-invented these men's careers.

With arrogance coming out the wazoo, Simon puts the boots to Tim. And more boots. And yet more boots, until Charles Robinson moves Simon away. Off the ropes now, Simon looking for a legdrop... but finding nobody home! The Video Voyeur ends up jamming his tailbone into the canvas and hobbles back to his feet, EMT Tim waiting with a forearm. Another. Another. And another, Tim doing enough to leave Singleton dazed and the proverbial sitting duck as he hits the ropes. Not dazed enough to prevent him throwing a clothesline... but EMT Tim ducks, stops and WRAPS a Spinning Wheel Kick around Simon Singleton's head!!

"YYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

Backbrain Wheelkick! Shades of the late, great Owen Hart with that move and now Tim needs to make the tag. Officer Bosley is fresh and itching for action.

COACH

Or just itching in that lousy stripper's uniform.

COLE

Quiet.

Both men are down, Tim having taken the brunt of the punishment but Simon KOed from the kick. Mackenzie waves The Video Voyeur on, despite his scrambled brain, both men making the slow crawl towards their corners...

...tag to Ned...

...AND A TAG TO BOSLEY!!

"YYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

In comes the Officer, ready to put hard tiiimes on The Beverly Hills Blonds. Ned runs in, right into a big right hand from Bosley. Down he goes, right back up to eat a second big right. Another big right takes Ned down for a third time, The Hansome Hustler stumbling into Bosley, who powers him up and over with a BAAAACK bodydrop!

COLE

Woah! All power there!

Rolling to his knees, Ned tries to beg off from the Officer. But the man unfortunately named at birth as 'Tango' isn't falling for that. Or the attempted sneak attack from Simon Singleton, Bosley throwing a thrust kick to the gut with such accuracy and force that Simon actually flies backwards rather than just double over!! And if Ned wasn't serious about begging off before, he sure is now. With two handfuls of hair Bosley lifts Ned back to his feet and tries to whip him into the ropes. Ned gets the reversal and labours after his man. But Bosley vaults to the middle rope and soars HIGH back through the air, knocking Blanchard down with a Flying Back Elbow!

COLE

Cover!

1...

2...

Kickout!

COLE

Only two, but what an impressive move from a two hundred, sixty five pound man!

COACH

Yeah, that was pretty good I guess.

COLE

Don't be misled folks. That's high praise, coming from this man.

Bosley pops right back to his feet and double-dog-dares Ned Blanchard to get back to his feet. Groggily he does just that, walking into the long arms of the law. Literally, Bosley scooping Ned up and slamming him centre ring. Before Bosley can follow up, Simon Singleton runs back into the picture. As a trained officer, Bosley is well prepared for sudden attacks and how to counter-act them, although whether he'd hiptoss one man onto another's chest out of the field is doubtful.

In the ring? Sure!

BLANCHARD

*UNGH!*

Both The Blonds are stacked up and Bosley quickly re-positions Simon on top of Ned, so The Blonds are both facing the same way. An embarrasing position to those with depraved minds. Bosley has more than humiliation in mind though, as he hooks all four of The Beverly Hills Blonds' legs under his arms. The powerful 265 pounder then levers towards the left and despite the best efforts of Ned and Simon, they BOTH get turned over, into the SAME Boston Crab!!

"YYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

Look at this! Officer Bosley, with a Double Crab on The Beverly Hills Blonds, two for the price of one!

COACH

This can't be legal.

"TAP!"

Sitting back as best possible, Bosley nods his head positively while the two Blonds struggle underneath him. Ned isn't really getting stretched too much because Simon being on his back prevents any real torque. So Bosley releases the hold of his own accord pretty quickly.

COLE

I think in any normal match, Bosley might have clung on for a while. But he realises the need for quick eliminations and preserving energy, so why try and hold two men down at once, wasting energy, for little reward?

Bosley pulls Singleton back up, pitching him through the ropes and taking the match back to one on one for the time being. He then pulls Ned to his feet, popping him with a couple of forearms to keep him off-guard before pointing to one side of the ring. Or, more accurately, the ropes. Bosley wraps an arm around the head of The Handsome Hustler and guides him towards the ropes, tapping the top rope with his free hand and giving the signal for the Slingshot Suplex!

COACH

Now hang on just a minute!

COLE

Is he going to put Ned away with his own move!?

COACH

He's a police officer, he's not supposed to steal!

Hooking up the tights, Bosley is indeed going to try and do just that. Up goes Ned, Bosley dropping the ankles off the top rope and letting him spring back...

...NO! Ned floats over! Spinning Bosley around, a quick knee to the gut turns the tables in The Handsome Hustler's favour. He quickly grabs the head, heaving the 265 pounder up just enough to drop the ankles off the top rope, letting him spring back...

...SLINGSHOT SUPLEX!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH

Justice, my friend, has been served.

Relief washes over Ned's face as he slumps on top of the Officer...

1...

2...

BROKEN UP BY EMT TIM!!!

"YYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COACH

What!?

COLE

Only two! The EMT to the rescue for Rescue 911!

Storming to his feet, Ned begins to complain about Tim's intervention, until Tim crams his mouth shut with a forearm strike! EMT Tim unloads with a couple more forearms, then changes up to right hands, Blanchard barely able to stay on his feet as EMT Tim sets up one final knockout blow. Off the ropes he comes, Tim aiming high with a clothesline...

...WHICH WIPES OUT OFFICER BOSLEY!!!!

COLE

OH!

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Understandably, having just knocked down his tag partner, EMT Tim drops everything in order to try and apologise for his mistake. A knee to the lower back from Ned sends him tumbling out of the ring before he can make up for it though. Tim hits his lower back hard on the apron on his way out too, leaving him incapacitated on the floor. And Ned quickly takes advantage, dragging Bosley up one more time. Another facelock leads to another laboured lift, hanging the legs over the top...

...SLINGSHOT SUPLEX: THE SEQUAL!

COLE

A second Slingshot Suplex in quick succession.

COACH

He wouldn't have kicked out from one, he won't kick out from two.

Ned hooks the legs up tight, taking no chances...

1...

2...

COLE

No-one to save...

3!!!

COLE

...and that's all she wrote for Rescue 911.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

*DINGDING!*

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, Rescue 911 have been eliminated!

COACH

Alright Ned! Two down!

As Simon rejoins his partner in the ring, Ned logrolls the lifeless Officer Bosley from the ring. It's clear The Beverly Hills Blonds are tiring, virtually holding each other up as they gloat over their second consecutive victory. Perhaps forgetting the three matches still waiting for them, starting with...

.:CUE: "Heart Shaped Box", Nirvana:.

BLANCHARD

AW, GODDAMNIT!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

The Blonds drop to their knees, through some fatigue but mostly despair, as yet ANOTHER team with storied history with them makes their entrance. The team, perhaps, with the most history with them in days gone by. Logan "Usher" Mann leads the way for The Heavenly Rockers with his wife Holly-Wood hand-in-hand and back in the fold, to the delight of Daytona Beach! The Synthmeister follows and smiles as he sees what's waiting for him. The men who tried to put The Heavenly Rockers out of commission in the past, tired and there for the taking.

COACH

I don't know what Ned and Simon did to deserve this, but they don't deserve this! They are just having no luck what-so-ever here tonight!

COLE

I'd say they've done plenty to deserve this. Not least their actions towards The Heavenly Rockers in the past, history which is too long to really go into. But suffice to say, channeling the spirit of Synth Esizer, karma is a mutha'.

Not even bothering to try to beg off this time, Ned and Simon manage to jump Synth and Logan just as they slide in under the bottom rope.

*DINGDING!*

Despite the fatigue, The Blonds go to work on The Heavenly Rockers with clubbing forearms and stomps aplenty, trying to gain any sort of advantage they can on their fresh opponents. Ned pins his foot down on Synth's throat, trying to cut off his air supply. Meanwhile, Simon brings Logan back to his feet and shoots him into the ropes. But Logan EXPLODES off the ropes with a Running Double Axehandle, not stopping there as he clatters down Ned with a Double Axehandle from behind!

COLE

He took them both down! And The Heavenly Rockers, typically fired up but even more so tonight! Tag Titles on the line and two long-time rivals in their crosshairs!

Logan takes Ned behind the head, running him face-first into the top turnbuckle pad in one corner. Rushing back across the ring, Logan then runs Simon into the opposite corner, signalling for Synth to take care of Ned. It's Logan with kicks on Singleton, with Synth firing off a series of body-shots on Blanchard, weakening The Blonds up even more before setting up dual irish whips. No resistance coming, Ned and Simon get whipped out of the corners into a mid-ring collision, Mackenzie holding her head in her hands as The Blonds stumble back comically, into stereo schoolboys...

DOUBLE 1!

DOUBLE 2!

DOUBLE KICKOUT!!

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

MACKENZIE

Come on, focus! FOCUS!

That yell would usually, for a director, be directed at a cameraman. Not to a wrestling tag team who aren't performing to their manager's high standards. But, hey, it's the OAOAST.

COACH

This is wrong, all wrong. Do we not have an intermission we can go to?

COLE

Not on a live show Coach, no.

COACH

Throw on a re-run for twenty minutes. No-one'll notice.

Ned and Simon are still in trouble as Synth and Logan go at them with fists and fire. It's Simon who shows some signs of fight though, shooting low and blasting out the legs from underneath Logan with a takedown. No such luck for Ned however, as The Synthmeister continues to pound away with glee. Eventually Ned collapses to the canvas and like any good partner, Synth checks on his team-mate's status. And seeing that he's in trouble, he rushes over, pulling Singleton off of Logan and dragging him into a corner to continue the fight.

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

Knifedge from Synth!

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

And another!

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

Make it three, The Synthmeister lighting Singleton up like... well, you can imagine.

COLE

After all these chops, Simon's going to end up Red, White and Blond!

COACH

That's terrible.

Atfer a little playful piefacing of The Video Voyeur, Synth climbs to the middle rope and gets the crowd FIRED UP~!

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!"

"FOUR!"

"FIVE!"

"SIX!"

"SEVEN!"

"EIGHT!"

"NINE!"

...Synth stops at nine, letting rip with a brief air guitar solo and...

"TEN!"

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

Synthamania is running wild in Daytona Beach!

Down goes Simon, slumped against the bottom rope with his eyes rolling every which way. Synth stays on the ropes and gets the crowd behind him even more, as if he needed to. Gripping the top rope, Synth then vaults up, using the ropes to swing himself feet first into Singleton's chest with a unique dropkick variation!

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

As Synth continues to go after Simon in the corner, it's left to Logan and Blanchard to take centre stage. Logan has his fists clenched ready to make The Handsome Hustler considerably less so, leaving himself open for a jab in the eyes by Blanchard! Wheeling Logan around, Ned then pushes him into the ropes, catching him on the rebound with a knee to the gut. A perfect set-up as it turns out as Ned, seeing Synth pre-occupied, speedily hooks Logan up and lifts him for the Slingshot Su...

...NO! Logan floats over before his feet even threaten the top rope, wheeling Ned around...

*SMACK!*

WICKED LEFT JAB~!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

WHAM! Ned is OUT~!

Simon Singleton hasn't even seen what happened to his partner just yet, as he's busy vaulting into mid-air, over Synth with a leapfrog! Anticipating a backbody drop chance, Simon keeps low to the ground as he turns.

*BAM!*

PERCUSSION!!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

Mackie, turn out the lights!

1...

2...

3!!!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

*DINGDING!*

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, The Beverly Hills Blonds have been eliminated!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Both Ned and Simon are in la-la land and I'm not talking about Los Angeles folks. They're out and for all their effort, they're not going to be 3-time Tag Team Champions to start 2007. And the fans couldn't be happier!

Neither could The Heavenly Rockers.

Especially when "Frankenstein" by Edgar Winter hits, to signal the arrival of the World Tag Team Champions!!

COLE

Oh boy, here we go!

COACH

Baton down the hatches! All hell is going to break loose in Daytona Beach on a New Year's Night!

The Sooner Bruisers stride out carrying their title belts at their sides. But the belts are soon discarded as here come The Heavenly Rockers, exiting the ring and cutting off The Bruisers before they can get anywhere near Holly-Wood AND IT'S BREAKIN' DOWN IN DAYTONA BEACH FLORIDA!!!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

*DINGDING!*

The Sooners and The Rockers (Heavenly version) exchange right hands in the aisleway as the crowd go wild on either side of them! Big Frank and Logan go at it, while Uber throws Synth face-first into the barricade. Uber then goes to work on The Synthmeister with some overhand rights. For the save comes Logan, landing a Double Axehandle to the back of Uber's head. And Frank takes a Double Axehandle to the face as Logan Mann has had ENOUGH~!

COLE

Look at Logan go! Each one of these shots has got Holly-Wood's seal of approval behind them!

Logan goes to work on Big Frank, with a flurry of right hands, pressed up against the barricade so he can't get away. Meanwhile, Synth makes a comeback on Uber...

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...with a chop!

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...another!

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

*SLAP!*

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

...and Synth goes WILD with a flurry!

COLE

This is crazy! Thank goodness this is a sanctioned match, because I don't think all the referees and officials in Daytona Beach could seperate these four men!

COACH

Yeah, but if it's a sanctioned match, shouldn't they be in the ring?

COLE

Good point.

The brawl shows no signs of letting up, Logan digging his fingers into the EYE SOCKETS of Big Frank which draws agonised yells from the bigman! Synth is putting the boots to Uber meanwhile. Holly-Wood stand at the bottom of the ramp cheering her team on, only taking a glance away as she hears someone in the crowd shouting.

Or, maybe in the ring.

A shout of "EIGHT!"

HOLLY-WOOD

CHARLES, NO!

"NINE!"

Despite Holly's best pleas, Charles insists he's just doing his job, seeing that the brawl is still going. And much as he wouldn't if he could avoid it...

"TEN!"

*DINGDINGDING!*

COLE

Uh-oh. I think this one's being thrown out.

COACH

Can't say I'm surprised.

The bell means nothing to The Sooners and The Heavenly Rockers. The brawl continues on unabaited, Uber pitching Synth over the barricade and following him into the crowd. Logan and Frank detour the entrance way and brawl off towards the back via an alternative route, while Charles Robinson converses with Michael Buffer.

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. Referee Charles Robinson has counted BOTH teams out, both The Sooner Bruisers and The Heavenly Rockers have been ELIMINATED!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE

Wow, not a popular call but the right one I'm afraid.

COACH

The crowd don't like it, but they should be pleased. We're going to see NEW World Tag Team Champions, whatever way you slice it.

COLE

That's right, The Sooners are gone, so we're looking at new Champions, either... wait... wait a minute Coach, The Sooners and The Rockers are both gone. That's... that's five eliminations! Which means...

"You break the laws

You hustle, you deal, you steal from us all

Come on come on, lovin' for the money

Come on come on, listen to the Money talk

Come on come on, lovin' for the money

Come on come on, listen to the Money talk

Money talks"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COACH

YES! YEEESS, HAHAHAHA!!!

COLE

No... you've got to be kidding me!

Making sure to keep out of Logan and Frank's way, Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright simply can't contain their joy as they walk out at spot number 6. And with no more challengers, the de-facto World Tag Team Champions!

"BULL - SHIT!"

COLE

I agree. They can't win the World Tag Team Titles without this!

COACH

Why not? They're the last team standing, that's the rules! And you've got sixty-four percent of our esteemed OAOAST fans to thank for voting Tag Team Turmoil and making this all possible!

COLE

This is... unprecedented! Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright are, apparantly, going to win the Tag Team Titles without even COMPETING what-so-ever! This is... unbelievable!

Into the ring climb Wright, briefcase and all, plus Theodore Moneymaker with riotous laughter as he makes the belt signal around his waist, not having to even remove his smoking jacket, with no match to compete in. Wright fluffs his red polyester jacket, wanting to look his best to recieve his first OAOAST Championship. Ditto Moneymaker, ordering Charles Robinson to go fetch the belts.

.:CUE: "Los Angeles", Sugarcult:.

COACH

Huh?

To the confusion of everyone, red pyro fountains spring froth from the entrance stage and connect with pink pyro showers. Once they dissipate, a golden pyro wall explodes across the length of the stage.

COACH

Alright, pyro! Happy New Year!!

COLE

A little late for the fireworks show, but hey, why not...

Suddenly, as the smoke clears, a figure emerges from the remnants of the pyrotechnics. Wearing a stomach exposing red Obey™ tank top that reads "Make Art. Not War" and a black open sided mini skirt that reveals the mystery woman's entire left leg, an inevitable crowd favourite!! The two strands of diamonds hanging from the front, indicate a certain sense of style. The scowl and piercing eyes are the clincher, as KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN stands centre stage, posing for the SHELL-SHOCKED FANS!!!!

"YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

COACH

WHAT!? WHAT!?!?!

COLE

OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD IT'S KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN~!

COACH

OH NO!

COLE

KRISTA IS BACK... CHICKS OVER DICKS ARE BACK... SOMEBODY PUT TERRY TAYLOR ON SUICIDE WATCH, THE CHICKS OVER DICKS ARE BACK!!!!!

Not to be outdone, ALIX MARIA SPEZIA skips out through the entrance way in a white tie-up front tube top that's cropped all the way to the chest and white booty shorts. The fur wristbands, scarf and leg warmers are faux, but the excitement isn't as she settles down long enough to join hands with Krista. Krista twirls Alix around, then pulls her into her arms. Alix turns over her shoulder and blows a kiss to the camera, leading super imposed red lips to pop on the screen.

"HOLY SHIT!"

COLE

YOU DANG RIGHT HOLY SHIT BITCHES! COD ARE BACK!!

COACH

Bu... why are they coming out here... they're not in this match, they can't just... what the HELL is going on!?

COLE

WHO CARES!?

In the ring Teddy doesn't seem that familiar with the two women striding to the ring, so it's left to Christian Wright to freak out at the sight of Krista Isadora Duncan and Alix Maria Spezia, the two women who tormented him so for the early part of 2006! Eventually Moneymaker picks up on what's happening and complains to referee Robinson that they shouldn't be here, to which he just shrugs his shoulders. What can he do, with Krista and Alix sliding into the ring, showing no fear of the burly, well-dressed men standing in her way and jumping them with right hands!

*DINGDING!*

And we have a bell!

COACH

Wait...

COLE

Oh hell yeah! We're gonna crown new Tag Team Champions, we're gonna do it the right way, we've got a match and it involved Chicks Over Dicks!

COACH

No, this can't be! Theodore and Christian are the Champions, these two she-hartlets aren't even entered in the match! They can't just walk out here from God knows where after eight months and enter themselves into a Tag Title Match, can they!?

COLE

Apparantly they can!

Alix and Krista, the unnanounced 7th team in Tag Team Turmoil apparantly, take the fight to Moneymaker and Wright as the crowd go BANANA for quite possibly the most shocking comeback of 2007 so far!! It's all COD, the would-be Champions caught completely off-guard. Moneymaker manages to rock Alix with a European Uppercut to turn the tables though, the former two-time 24/7 Champion dropping to the canvas and allowing Moneymaker to help out Christian. Which he does by taking out Krista from behind with a double axehandle.

COACH

Teddy and Christian need to regroup here. They've got to forget how completely unfair this is all is and just concentrate on winning those Tag Team Titles.

And they try to do just that, Moneymaker and Wright putting the boots to Krista. Clambering back to her feet, Alix shakes off the effects of the uppercut and tries to save her partner. Moneymaker lands a boot to the gut to shrug her off though, removing the smoking jacket and tear away pants as he gets down to business!

"C - O - D!"

The crowd get behind the most dominant females in OAOAST (tag team) history as Moneymaker tells his Financial Analyst to pull Krista back up. Krista, still fired up from the excitement of her return, has enough fight to land some jabs to the gut,trying to fight CW off. Wright clubs her over the back with a forearm though, hauling Krista up by the hair and executing a simple scoop slam. With KID planted centre ring, Moneymaker then eases Wright aside and assumes control with the FISTFUL OF DOLLARS~! to the face! And another FISTFUL~!

COACH

There we go! There we go!

COLE

Those fistdrops landing with pinpoint precision to the forehead of Krista.

Teeth gritted, Moneymaker yelling down in Krista's face (which is inaudible thanks to the baying crowd) before dropping a third FISTFUL OF DOLLARS~! Scrambling over, Moneymaker then balls Krista up into a tight pinfall...

1...

2...

NO!

Krista has plenty of fight yet, much to the frustration of Theodore Moneymaker, still furious with Charles Robinson for allowing this shock return to turn into an official part of Tag Team Turmoil.

"KRIS - TA!"

Seeing her recovering in his peripheral vision, Wright quickly throws Alix Spezia out of the ring and to the floor by her corner. Referee Robinson tries to get some control, not wanting another Bruisers/Rockers decision in this match. So Moneymaker exits to the apron and leaves Wright legal in the ring. A few more stomps find the mark before Wright places his boot on Krista's forehead, GRINDING leather into her face, not saying as much but definately intended as 'this is for AngleMania' payback! In her pain, Krista starts to kick her legs, trying to get Wright off of her. And eventually she lucks out as her legs wrap around CW's right leg, allowing her to take him down to the canvas, right into a hija-jujigatame (Cross Legbreaker)!

"YYYEEEEEEEEEEEAA....

Unfortunately, the hold doesn't last long, as Moneymaker runs in and boots Krista to break her grip.

"...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE

Krista won't give up without a fight, especially against two men. Krista hates men.

COACH

I gathered that.

Wright hurries back to his feet and beats Krista down with some more stomps to try and cut off any resistance she may be showing. Back to his corner, Wright then tags in the boss, Theodore Moneymaker. A double irish whip sends Krista into the ropes, CW and Moneymaker combining with a double back elbow, which Moneymaker follows up with a quick pin attempt...

1...

2...

Kickout!

Just now returning to the COD corner, Alix starts to route Krista on. It won't do much good as Moneymaker places KID into the time-tested Abdominal Stretch. Luckily for Krista, her abdominals are in pretty good shape to begin with. That doesn't mean she's in for a comfortable ride though. Especially when Moneymaker sneakily reaches back with his free arm, Wright latching on and adding more leverage to the hold!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE

Come on Charles, turn around!

COACH

He's checking for a submission, get off his case! This is about the first time he's done his job all night after all.

Wright and Moneymaker's ploy is in danger of being uncovered, as Alix shrieks at the top of her voice for Robinson to look and see the cheating. They break just in time to avoid getting caught though. So Robinson goes back to checking for a submission... allowing Moneymaker and Wright to link arms again!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

As Alix again protests, Wright and Moneymaker continue to put combined leverage on the hold, gloating away to the fans...

...AND THEY GET CAUGHT!

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!"

"FOUR!"

"FIVE..."

With no break coming, Robinson takes matters into his own hands and KICKS the hands apart, allowing Krista to get Moneymaker over with a hiptoss! More leverage than power though, so Moneymaker is right back up with a knee to the gut, softening Krista up for another irish whip. Single elbow this time but Krista swoops underneath, coming back off the ropes and using his leg for a Step-Up Hurricanrana!!

"YYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

Moneymaker turned inside out! And now Krista has a chance to make the tag!

Miss California is slow to her feet as Moneymaker recollects himself, crawling to his corner and tagging in The Natural. In rushes Wright, blocking the path to the Chicks Over Dicks corner. Krista tries to crawl through the legs but Christian catches her around the waist on the way through, wheeling her around and lifting Krista up for a Powerbomb. Not eager to co-operate with that, Krista rains down some fists across the top of CW's head before falling back for another 'rana...

...NO! Wright hangs on and Krista is left hanging upside down! With an arrogant smile in Alix's direction, The Natural sets and deadlifts Krista back up onto his shoulders. But Krista manages to push herself over the top, rolling CW up into a Sunset Flip...

1...

2...

Kickout...

...and as both competitors roll out of the pinfall, Krista keeps on rolling, making it back to her corner AND THE TAG TO ALIX MARIA SPEZIA!!

"YYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE

AMS is in the hooouuuse!

Leaping in over the top rope, Alix lures Wright in with a little Boogey(wo)man dancing, ducking underneath a clothesline attempt and catching him on the rebound with a standing dropkick! In comes Moneymaker, he too eating a standing dropkick! And Charles Robinson dives out of the way of an attempt at his jaw as Alix Maria Spezia is hitting (almost) everything that moves!

COACH

Nice to see Alix is still as smart as ever.

COLE

Mmm-hmm.

Robinson warns Alix that any more heat of the moment referee targetting will earn a DQ and she quickly placates him by KISSING HIS FEET!! Alix then goes back to the action, firing a couple of forearms to Christian Wright before hitting the ropes. Into shot runs Theodore Moneymaker, looking to cut Alix off with a clothesline of his own. Under ducks Alix though, Moneymaker ending up empty handed in the ropes while Alix drives her shoulder into CW's gut. The Hollywood Bad Girl then locks a headlock on Wright. Moneymaker runs in again and Alix throws her feet up for a block, only for Moneymaker to catch the legs over his shoulders, leaving Ms. Spezia up in no man's land on the duo's shoulders! Luckily for her, Krista is alert though and ducks underneath the human bridge, getting a run-up on the ropes and pushing Alix in the side to have her execute a dual headlock/headscissors takeover on The Enterprise duo!

COLE

Wow! That was something right there, a two for one-er!

Out of the ring carries Theodore, with Krista hot on the Billionaire's heels. Meanwhile it's the legal pairing in the ring, as Christian walks into Alix, tripping him back on his head with the True Life: I got beat up by a girl (STO)!! Leg is hooked...

1...

2...

NO!

Heading up top is Alix

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

...Maria Spezia, looking to use her speed against the burly Financial Analyst opposite her. AMS takes a moment to steady herself, then another moment to "shout out" to her "L.A homeboys", before soaring off the top and taking Wright out with a Missile Dropkick!

ALIX

:headbang:

After a brief rock-out, Alix eventually follows up with the cover...

1...

2...

NO! TWO!

Back to his feet, Wright swings for Alix with a European Uppercut, but Alix dodges the strike and pulls CW down with a Backslide...

1...

2...

NO! TWO AGAIN!

Finally Wright gets a one-up via a knee to the gut, putting a little dampener on Alix's trademark energy. Hooking on a front facelock, Wright then gives the signal that it's OVAH~! as he sets Ms. Spezia up for the Gordbuster! Christian lifts Alix vertical... but she knows no good can come of being held upside down in the air and frantically kicks her faux fur covered legs, making life difficult for CW to the point that he loses control...

...and gets spiked with a DDT!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE

Huh?

The boos aren't for Alix's nifty counter, but instead for MACKENZIE DECENZO's return to ringside. The Beverly Hills Blonds aren't in tow, probably still exhausted from their matches, nevermind Ned's possible cardiac arrest at the sight of the mother of his child back in the OAOAST. So Mackenzie has to go it alone, grabbing Christian's briefcase from ringside and waiting for her moment.

COLE

Mackenzie is no stranger to Alix, they traded the 24/7 Title midway through last year remember.

COACH

How can we forget?

Meanwhile, Alix has draped an arm over Wright's chest...

1...

2...

KICKOUT!

Krista and Moneymaker continue to go at it on the floor, so Alix realises she has to go it alone still. And grabbing Wright by the hair, she pulls The Natural up and intends to give him the "BURNING SENSATION WHEN YOU URINATE!"

Which is when Mackenzie swoops into action, sliding the briefcase in as she climbs to the apron, gaining Robinson's attention (and hiding the briefcase from it). Alix sees Mackenzie and is all 'what the dealio', or some over pop culture reference, dropping Wright to go after The Chief Financial Officer of The Enterprise. Which allows CW to claim the briefcase.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE

Not the damn briefcase again! We've seen Wright and Moneymaker use this to pick up victories more and more when in a fix, but never to win a World Tag Title... this is too much!

Alix and Mackenzie exchange a few catty remarks with Christian waiting in the wings ready to utilise the briefcase. Still Mackie refuses to get down and eventually Alix has had enough of talking, turning around to resume the match...

*WHIFF!*

...DUCKING A BRIEFCASE SHOT and booting Wright in the gut, causing him to drop the briefcase! And with a kooky smile, Alix retrieves the briefcase, lining up Wright...

...but Alix isn't going to resort to that to win a match. No no. She's going to find out exactly what's in the briefcase ladies and gentlemen! Alix places the briefcase on a top turnbuckle, tongue protruding as she fiddles with the locks protecting all of The Enterprise's most confidential documents! Mackenzie freaks out but that just continues to distract Robinson, Moneymaker unable to do anything about it as Krista continues to lay into him on the floor.

COLE

Yeah, open it up! I bet it's full of shredded newspaper anyway!

COACH

If she opens that up she'd better have a damn good lawyer!

COLE

She's tag partner with Krista, of COURSE she's got a good lawyer!

Alix is having quite a bit of trouble with the combination, as Wright looks around for his prized briefcase. And seeing it in the hands of a non-Enterprise member he freaks out, eager to protect the documentation as he runs across the ring. With Alix facing away in the corner, Wright vaults towards her looking for a big Avalanche...

...BUT ALIX MOVES...

*THUD!*

...AND WRIGHT NOSEDIVES INTO THE BRIEFCASE!!!!

"YYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COACH

OH NO!

Left stumbling around, Wright sports a bloody nose as the dented briefcase falls to the floor. Mackenzie rushes to collect it, while Alix pops up to the middle rope, hooking CW around the head and taking him around and down with the Sucker Free DDT...

...the momentum taking Wright all the way back up, where Krista Isadora Duncan is sliding into the ring, pulling CW down with the Elizabeth, I'm coming to join ya, honey! It's the big one! (Reverse X-Factor), referee Robinson diving over to make the count as Moneymaker scrambles in...

1...

...but Alix lands a basement dropkick on Teddy...

2...

...leaving him unable to make the save...

3!!!!!!!!!!!

"YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

COACH

NOOOOOOO!!!

COLE

YES! YES! COD! COD!

*DINGDINGDING!*

The crowd pop like they've never popped before (or at least since Krista showed up I guess), as Mackenzie DeCenzo drops the briefcase, mouth agape as she sees what has happened. Alix leaps for joy in the ring, climbing onto the ropes and whipping up the crowd as Krista rolls to one knee and laughs away to herself. Kinda manically. But, in a good way. Referee Charles Robinson retrieves the belts before any more impromptu entrants can show up, handing one to Krista... and seeing Alix's frenzy, decides to hand the over to Krista too.

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners... and NNEEEEEEWWW One And Only Anglesault Thread Tag Team Champions of the WOOOORRRLLLDD!! KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN... ALIX MARIA SPEZIA... CHICKS OVER DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCKKSSSSSSS!!!!

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

COLE

For the time, Chicks Over Dicks are the Tag Team Champions! After eight months in exile, Krista and Alix have returned to the OAOAST and captured our World Tag Team Titles once again, to the shock of EVERYBODY! What a way to start the New Year!

COACH

This can't be happening... they weren't even in the match!! How can they win a match they're not even in!?

COLE

They weren't announced in the match line-up. But, who knows what wheeling and dealing Anglesault had gone through in the meantime? For all you know, they could have been a late addition into the match, but either way, it's a damn good job they were! We were looking at Moneymaker and Wright being given the Tag Team Titles without any competition what-so-ever until COD showed up!

COACH

Exactly! Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright should be the Tag Champions right now! Krista and Alix might be leaving with the belts but I SWEAR you haven't heard the last of this, not by a long shot! The finest lawyers that money can buy in America are on stand-by right now and I hope Anglesault is too, because Theodore Moneymaker will not let an injustice like this stand, mark my words!

Krista keeps possession of the title belts as she and Alix head off to the back, until Alix starts to plead for the belt like a little child on Christmas morning. So KID relents and hands the belt to Alix, who makes a giant deal out of kissing it and holding it skywards.

"C - O - D!"

Back in the ring, Theodore Moneymaker is comforted by Mackenzie. But he's not in the mood for that, brushing Mackie aside and cursing up a blue streak as he gets the perfect view of the Chicks Over Dicks celebration party. Charles Robinson makes himself scarce before he becomes the subject of Teddy's fury, leaving Moneymaker to take his frustrations out on the bottom turnbuckle and the ring ropes.

Edited January 2, 2007 by Tony149

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

Cut to a black screen. The following words appear on the screen in big white blocky letters:

THE LIGHTNING CREW NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

DECEMBER 31, 2006

"No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Royds plays on a loop for the rest of the segment. The camera cuts to a lavish hotel room. All 6 members of The Lightning Crew and Stephen Joseph Popick are shown, drinking beer, watching the TV, and gabbing about. The male LC members and Popick are wearing tuxedos, while Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez is wearing a black dress with roses on it, black bracelets, a gold necklace, hoop earrings, a ring on her right hand, and black heels. And in the middle of this all is Stacey Robertson, Colombian Heat's girlfriend. Stacey isn't wearing a dress because she didn't go to the 2006 Angle Awards; instead, she's wearing a red tanktop, a blue demin jacket, a watch on her right wrist, blue jeans, a necklace with her name on it, and black and white checkered Converse sneakers. Stacey is shown sitting in between Cuban Wall and Vitamin X on a leather sofa, and she doesn't look none too happy while watching the television. "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican spots the camera. Wearing a white dress shirt, a black bowtie, sunglasses, grey vest, black dress pants, a $500 Rolex watch on his right wrist, black dress shoes, a Puerto Rican flag bandana on his head, and a cup of champagne in his left hand, The Corporate Champ begins to speak.

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN

Ah, glad you could join us! Hello all you out there in TV land! It is I, YOUR CORPORATE HI-YAH World Tag Team Champion, Tha Puerto Rican here, and I am celebrating New Year's Eve with the best people in the world! And Stacey Robertson. Speaking of little miss Stacey, Colombian Heat, incase you are watching, I'd just like to let you know that we've been treating Stacey rather well these past four days. Isn't that right, X?

VITAMIN X

That's right, Puerto! Stacey here has been given complete access to my mansion in Los Angeles. She's eaten the best food, slept in the best beds, and hung out with the best looking man in the OAOAST, if I do say so myself!

PRL

Ha ha! You're such a comedian, X. Everyone knows that I'M the best looking man in the OAOAST!

MS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ

That's right, P.R.!

MR. BORICUA

GRRRRRRRRRRR!

VX

Uh...yeah. Right. Right.

Vitamin X puts his right arm around Stacey's shoulders. Stacey continues watching TV, trying her very best to ignore the party going on around her.

THA PUERTO RICAN

ANYWAY, we've just gotten back from the 2006 Angle Awards, and despite the fact that I DIDN'T WIN ANYTHING, I am in a pleasant mood. Why, you ask? Because it's New Year's Eve, that's why! I'm all ready to say goodbye to '06, and hello to '07! 2007 is going to be my year, I can feel it! If you thought The Lightning Crew was great this year, wait until you see what we've got in store for 2007! You're not going to believe it!

CUBAN WALL

Hey Puerto, can we get some more beer here?

PRL

Oh, okay, Wall. Just a sec! Listen, I've gotta go, but I'll be back later as The Lightning Crew counts down to the year 2007! And don't worry...STACEY will be with us ALL NIGHT LONG! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The camera zooms in on Stacey's face. She appears to be growing increasingly uncomfortable. And this is made even worse with Vitamin X touching her hair and her face. VX whispers in her ear. The camera zooms out to reveal Tha Puerto Rican sitting on the arm rest next to X and Stacey.

PRL

See you later, OAOAST fans! Take care now, bye bye then!

Another black screen appears. "No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Royds ends. The following words appear on screen in big white blocky letters:

TO BE CONTINUED...

Cut to Double C~!

COLE

Man, I don't believe it! The Lightning Crew sending these video messages to us, taunting Colombian Heat! Did you see the look on Stacey's face? She's miserable with The Lightning Crew!

COACH

How could she be? She's with Vitamin X. That's what she always wanted!

COLE

What? Stacey has shown no sign of being even REMOTELY interested in Vitamin X!

COACH

She's playing hard to get. Deep down inside, she loves Vitamin X and is secretly enjoying this. She's just putting on this emo face to please her fans who hate The X-Man.

COLE

Again, Coach, what!? Are you just pulling these theories out of your ass?

COACH

No. I've dealt with women like her before. Believe me, this is how they ALL act.

COLE

They weren't playing hard to get. They just didn't LIKE you!

COACH

Oh sure. Sure. The more they hate you, the more they want you.

COLE

Not when you're a 30-something announcer for a professional wrestling show!

COACH

...

COLE

FACE~! Anyway, let's go to the ring for our next match! The OAOAST 24/7 Champion Bohemoth takes on the OAOAST X-Division Reject AND the OAOAST Heartland Champion Thunderkid! And either the 24/7, X-Division, OR Heartland Championship will be on the line!

God of Thunder hits, and the crowd goes crazy as Thunderkid makes his way to the ring.

COLE

Here comes Thunderkid, for a triple threat match, and he doesn't even know if he'll be defending his title! Let's go to Michael Buffer!

BUFFER

The following contest is a triple threat match, scheduled for one fall! Making his way to the ring, hailing from Green Bay, Wisconsin! He weighs in at 250 pounds, and is the REIGNING OAOAST Heartland champion...THUNDERKID!!!!!

COLE

And of course, Thunderkid defeating Alfdogg in that big Christmas Deathmatch just a couple weeks ago, and winning the Heartland title for the first time!

TK waits in the ring, as Renagade hits and boos fill the arena as Reject makes his way down.

BUFFER

Hailing from the Bronx, weighing in at 235 pounds...he is the REIGNING OAOAST X-division champion...RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREJECT!!!!!

COLE

It's been about a month and a half since Reject became the X-division champion, but will it be on the line here tonight? We'll find out shortly.

Reject does the arms outstretched pose on the buckles.

*BbwWbAhmotherfuckerLlIiiBbbEErRrAATtTeeyYyOUUurRrMmmMmMiIInNnDddDd!!*

Bohemoth walks through the curtains as the crowd explodes.

BUFFER

And from Greenville, South Carolina, weighing in at 284 pounds...he is the REIGNING OAOAST 24/7 champion...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMOTHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Bo poses on the buckles as the crowd cheers.

COLE

Bohemoth in the ring, the 24/7 champion, and we're ready to find out if he'll be defending his title! Let's go to Mean Gene and Maria!

OKERLUND

Ok, Maria, let's show these great fans what championship is going to be on the line!

Bo stands at the back of the ring while TK and Reject stand in the two corners nearest the entrance, as Okerlund points up to the big screen, as all the lights go out, and digital numbers spin around next to the options, much like at a gas station. When they stop, this is what appears:

A) Heartland title: 35%

B) X-Division title: 39%

C) 24/7 title: 26%

The crowd cheers, as Reject shakes his head in disbelief in the corner.

COACH

Aw, this isn't fair!

COLE

It certainly is, the fans voted on it! That was the criteria for this show! So Reject will be defending the X-title in this triple threat match!

The referee takes TK and Bo's belts and hands them to the timekeeper, then receives the X-title and raises it in the air, then calls for the bell.

*DING DING DING*

All three men stand around each other and size one another up. They start to circle the ring, then move in again slowly. Suddenly, Reject delivers a thumb to the eye of Bo, then rakes the eyes of TK and backs him into a corner. Reject gets in a couple right hands, then TK spins him around and starts hammering away.

COLE

Reject striking first, but it didn't last long!

Bo gathers his senses, then comes over and shoves TK aside to go after Reject. Bo lands a couple rights, then is shoved aside himself by TK, who goes back to work. Bo then levels TK from behind, and whips him into the ropes. Bo catches TK with a big back elbow!

COLE

And a nice elbow there by Bohemoth, the 24/7 champion!

COACH

And if he gets a pin right here, he'll own two belts!

Reject slides outside to take a breather, as Bo scoops up TK for a slam, but TK slips behind the back and delivers a back suplex! Cover...

1...

2...

Kickout!

TK gets to his feet, and walks right into a spinning heel kick from Reject!

COLE

And Reject picking his spots, a nice spinning heel kick there!

Reject stomps away on Bo, then picks him up and delivers a standing dropkick! Reject does the arms outstretched pose, drawing boos, then picks Bo up again. He whips him into TK, who is just getting to his feet at the ropes, but TK ducks and Bo goes over the top to the floor!

COLE

And a little inadvertent teamwork there by the former partners!

Reject spins TK around and tries a right hand, but TK blocks and delivers on of his own. TK delivers a couple more right, then whips Reject into the ropes and catches him with a backdrop! TK allows Reject to get to his feet, then delivers another Irish whip, but this time Reject ducks a clothesline and delivers a BIG spinning wheel kick!

COACH

And a beautiful wheel kick!

Cover...

1...

2...

Kickout!

Reject spots Bo trying to climb back onto the apron, so he runs over and catches him with a baseball slide!

COACH

And Reject's got everything under control right now!

Reject follows Bo out, and rams his back into the ring apron! He then attempts a suplex on the floor, but Bo blocks with a blow to the gut! The two then begin to trade blows, as TK scales the buckles from the inside.

COACH

Watch TK here!

TK nails both men with a SHOOTING STAR PRESS TO THE FLOOR~!

COACH/COLE

The crowd starts a brief "HO-LY SHIT!" chant, as all three men lay on the floor.

COLE

TK with an amazing move, taking out both Reject and Bohemoth, but also taking himself out momentarily!

TK slowly gets to his feet, then rolls Reject back inside, and immediately goes for a cover...

1...

2...

Kickout!

TK picks Reject up and whips him into a corner. He charges, but runs right into Reject's foot! Reject delivers a foot to the gut, and sets up the PITCH BLACK~!!!111, but Bo breaks it up with a HUGE clothesline! Bo yells out to the crowd, which responds with cheers!

COLE

And Bo is into it now!

Bo delivers forearms to the back of TK, then picks him up and delivers a RUNNING POWERSLAM~! Cover...

1...

2...

Kickout!

Bo slowly gets to his feet, and delivers rights to Reject. He backs Reject into a corner, and alternates rights and forearm blows to the sternum. He then whips Reject across, but Reject dodges a charge, and Bo runs chest-first into the corner. Reject school-boys him...

1...

2...

Kickout!

Bo tries a clothesline, but Reject ducks, and delivers a CHOP~!

Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

And another!

Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

Bo counters with a knee to the gut, then whips Reject into the ropes, and catches him with a SPINEBUSTER~!

COLE

Bo with the spinebuster!

1...

2...

TK breaks it up!

COACH

And TK in there just in the nick of time!

TK scoops up Bo, and hangs him in the corner in the Tree of Woe!

COLE

Oh, look at this! Smart move by TK!

TK then hooks Reject in a front facelock!

COLE

And he's looking to end it here!

TK goes for the THUNDERBOLT DDT~!!!!!11111 However, Reject slides behind the back, and counters with a GERMAN SUPLEX~!

1...

2...

Kickout!

TK holds his head, as Bo is pulling himself upright. Reject makes his way over to the corner and hammers on the back of Bo, then turns him around on the buckles. Reject scales the ropes, and delivers a HURRICANRANA~!

COACH

There you go, Reject!

Cover...

1...

2...

Shoulder up!

COLE

But Bo able to escape!

Reject then goes to the top rope.

COLE

And now Reject going to take to the air!

Reject gets his balance up top, and attempts a somersault senton, but Bo rolls out of the way! All three men are laying on the mat, as the crowd cheers.

COLE

And the crowd really into this one!

TK gets to his feet, and picks up Bo, but Bo counters with an inverted atomic drop, followed by a HUGE clothesline! Cover...

1...

2...

Shoulder up!

Reject gathers his senses, and catches Bo from his right side with a thrust kick, sending him through the ropes to the floor. Reject then goes after TK, delivering a CHOP~!

Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

And a second!

Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

And a third!

Crowd: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

Reject attempts an Irish whip, but TK reverses. Reject ducks a clothesline, then hops over TK as he drops down, but gets caught in a PRESS SLAM~! and tossed to the mat! TK hears the cheers from the crowd as he gets psyched.

COLE

And now it's TK back in the driver's seat!

TK picks up Reject, and delivers a FALCON ARROW~!

1...

2...

NO! Shoulder up!

COLE

And Reject just does escape!

TK picks up Reject one more time...and delivers the THUNDERBOLT DDT~!!!!!11111

COLE

That'll do it!

Cover...

1...

2...

...but Bo pulls TK out of the ring!

COACH

Wow, was that close!

Bo and TK slug it out on the floor briefly, with TK getting the better of the exchange, and rolling Bo back into the ring. TK hammers Bo in a corner, then brings him out and attempts a vertical suplex. However, Bo blocks, then blocks a second time, and delivers one of his own!

COLE

And it's Bo getting the suplex!

Bo and TK lay on the mat, until Reject reaches in and drags Bo out to the floor. He sets up Bo, and whips him ito the steel steps! Reject then starts to pick apart an announcer's table!

COACH

Uh-oh...

Once Reject finishes "cleaning" the table, he goes back after Bo, but Bo fights back! He knocks Reject onto a second announce table, then follows him up, and sets up a move, but Reject drops down and delivers a low blow, then picks up a monitor and blasts him with it!

COLE

Bo obviously planning to use Reject's tactics against him there, but Reject was having none of that!

TK slowly makes his way to the floor, and joins both men on the table. He and Reject look at one another, and set up a double suplex on Bo.

COACH

Look at this, Cole!

COLE

Reject and TK working together here now...

Reject and TK lift Bo, and SUPLEX HIM THROUGH THE OTHER TABLE~!

COLE/COACH

Crowd: HO-LY SHIT!

HO-LY SHIT!

TK slides into the ring, and waits for Reject to follow. He does, and the two begin to trade blows, as the crowd gets into it!

COLE

And now it's the former partners going at it, and the crowd is eating it up!

TK starts to get the better of the exchange, when Reject goes to the eyes. TK staggers over to the ropes, and Reject tries to deliver a German suplex! TK holds onto the ropes to block, then spins around, and delivers a belly-to-belly overhead which takes Reject outside to the floor!

COACH

Whoa!

TK follows, ramming Reject face-first into the steps, then rolls him back inside. TK backs into the ropes, and floors him with a BICYCLE KICK~! He then picks him up, and sets up a powerbomb, but Reject slides down to his feet, and delivers the EULOGY~!!!!!11111

COLE

EULOGY~!

COACH

That's it, baby!

Cover...

1...

2...

NO!!! Bo makes the save at the last second!

COLE

But no! And I can't believe Bo is back in there!

Reject slowly gets to his feet, and stomps away at Bo. He then picks up Bo and sets up the PITCH BLACK~!!!111, but Bo counters with a backdrop to the floor!

COLE

And Reject out to the outside once again!

TK hammers Bo from behind, then scoops him up and delivers a fallaway slam! He then waits on Bo to get up, and sets up the THUNDERBOLT DDT~!!!!!11111

COLE

This is a big man he's attempting this on...

However, Bo slips behind the back, and delivers the STYLE INJECTION~! Bo then calls for the finish!

COACH

And now it's Bo signaling the end!

Bo whips TK into the ropes, and catches him with the EROTIC AWAKENING OF B-CATATONIC~!!!!!11111

COLE

THAT'S IT!

Bo gets up to celebrate, and Reject pounces, delivering the EULOGY~!!!!!11111 Reject then hops on TK and hooks the leg...

1...

2...

3!!!

*DING DING DING*

COLE

DAMN IT! Reject steals it right from under Bo's nose!

BUFFER

The winner of the match...and STILL OAOAST X-division champion...RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREJECT!!!!!

Reject slides out and grabs his belt, and makes his way to the back.

COLE

Bo did the damage, and Reject picks up the glory!

COACH

Wait a minute, Cole, how can you say that? Reject got the pin after hitting the Eulogy on Bo! He pinned TK by choice, he could have pinned either one of them right there!

COLE

Whatever the case may be, Reject has answered the call of the people, and Reject remains the OAOAST X-division champion!

Backstage a smiling ”Mean” Gene is standing by, microphone at the ready, trademark bowtie polished up (?!?) as he stands next to “the Lone Wolf” James Wolfenstein

MEAN GENE

Fans have I got a first for you tonight! You've all seen him in the ring, dismantling opponent after opponent but you've yet to hear anything from Mr. Wolfenstein himself.

Gene smirks, he knows this scoop will aggrivate Tony Schiavone who bet him that *HE* would be the first to interview Wolfenstein.

MEAN GENE

Now James, since bursting onto the scene here in the OAOAST you've been on a tear defeating everyone put in your way.

Wolfenstein just nods quietly in response to Gene's question.

MEAN GENE

But I can't help but wonder about something. From what we've seen in the ring so far, well a lot of people are speculating that you are not a rookie, they're even saying that you're deliberately trying to pass yourself off as a wrestling rookie so that you'll look even more impressive in the ring. Is this true?

James Wolfenstein stares at Gene for a moment, he's heard the rumors too naturally and seems to welcome an opportunity to respond to it.

JAMES WOLFENSTEIN

*opens his mouth to speak*

“Yeah James, or should I say “John Hawk” tell the people all about your past."

MEAN GENE

Asmodai, what the hell are you doing here?

Asmodai, accompanied by fellow Footsoldier Mephisto walks into the shot to confront James Wolfenstein.

ASMODAI

Well “Wolfenstein” don't you have something to say.

Mephisto hands Asmodai a “Fight Magazine” turned to a page about K-1 fighters.

ASMODAI

So, do I still call you Wolfenstein or would you prefer John Hawk?

MEAN GENE

John Hawk?

ASMODAI

Right here Gene.

Asmodai holds up the magazine and shows both Gene and the camera a picture of a guy called John Hawk fighting during a K-1 event.

MEAN GENE

Are you sure that's him?

ASMODAI

Well shave off his beard, cut his hair, I wasn't sure at first either, but it is him! It is you isn't it John??

Asmodai grins from ear to ear as he gets in Wolfenstein's face. Just as it looks like Wolfenstein is going to respond he turns his back on Asmodai to walk away.

ASMODAI

Hey wait a minute! The OAOAST deserves and ans-!

But the “-wer” never passes his lips. When Asmodai grabs Wolfenstein's arm to stop him from leaving the Lone Wolf reacts swiftly and decks Asmodai with the same stinging right hand that knocked Jock Mulligan out on HeldDOWN and then he just walks away without saying a word.

MEAN GENE

Oh my god!! Fans we will get to the bottom of this I promise.

Commercial break

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

The camera cuts to an exterior shot of the Ocean Center as "Sabotage" by The Beastie Boys plays again.

COLE

We are indeed LIVE on New Year's Day 2007 for OAOAST New Year's Spectacular: Mainframe Monday! And fans, Mainframe Monday is being brought to you by the Playstation 3: Play BEYOND...or save some money and go get a Nintendo Wii instead for about half the price of a PS3!

COACH

And by Epic Movie, opening in theaters nationwide January 26th! If you have to see one of the dozens upon dozens of crappy comedies that Hollywood spits out this year, make sure it's this one!

COLE

This company needs better sponsors.

COACH

Yeah.

COLE

Anyway fans, let's go to "Mean" Gene Okuerland who's standing by with Maria with the voting results for our next match!

MEAN GENE

One of the more, shall we say...unique match-ups of the evening features a battle that began over the desecration of an inflatable sheep doll.

MARIA

Oh, no. Did he die in the war?

MEAN GENE

Uh, in a matter of speaking, yes. The war between Los Diablos de Fuego and Los Conquistadors.

MARIA

That's so sad. I bet his loved ones are maaaaad.

MEAN GENE

Disturbing but funny nonetheless. Anyway, Maria, sweetheart, why don't we reveal the final tallies. Fans had the option of choosing to see a Mexican deathmatch, a barbed wire coal miner's glove match or an inflatable sheep on a pole match, persumably the remains of El Ovéja, the beloved Los Diablos de Fuego mascot executed not long ago on worldwide television. And the fans voted overwhelmingly to see...

A) Mexican Deathmatch: 60%

B) Barbed Wire Coal Miner's Glove: 1%

C) Inflatable Sheep On A Pole: 39%

MEAN GENE (CONT'D)

...a Mexican Deathmatch! I guess the memory of Sting vs. Jake "The Snake" Roberts haunts the minds of every wrestling fan, as the coal miner's glove -- barbed wire coal miner's glove -- match receives only 1% of the vote while the idea of an inflatable sheep on a pole intrigued 39% of the fanbase. For those who have never witnessed a Mexican Deathmatch, the rules are quite simple: After a pinfall is made the man pinned has till the count of 10 to return to his feet or his team will lose. Basically a last man standing match with scattered pinfalls. With that, Michael Buffer take it away!

Call Me (Call Me)

BUFFER

Wrestling fans, the rules have been explained so let's meet the participants! Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by their adviser MACKENZIE DECENZO...the meanest and baddest men in Latin America... LOS CONQUISADOOOOOORRRRRRRSSSSSSS!

Waiting ringside for Mackie and Los Conquistadors are OAOAST agents Terry Taylor, Rick Martel and referees Nick Patrick and Jack Doan, the latter of whom have both been assigned to the match.

MACKENZIE

:huh:

(screeching)

Noooooo!

COLE

Whatever was said isn't sitting too well with Mackenzie DeCenzo. She is irate.

Mackie argues with the officials as Jack relays the message to ring announcer Michael Buffer. Even the non-English speaking Conquistadors know this isn't good news.

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. I have just been informed Mackenzie DeCenzo has been BARRED FROM RINGSIDE on direct orders from the boss himself, Anglesault!

"YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

COLE

Yeah, yeah! Excellent call. Get her outta here.

COACH

This isn't right, Mikey. Look at those two brutes, Taylor and Martel, manhandling poor little Mackenzie.

Los Conquistadors try to free their advisor as she's escorted backstage by OAOAST officials, to no avail. They don't have too much time to complain because...

Humidity's risin'

Barometer's getting low

According to all sources

The street's the place to go

BUFFER

Their opponents...from sunny Cabo San Lucas, the sexiest tag team in all of Mehico, MARIACHI and MORACCA... LOS DIABLOS DE FFFUUUUUEEEEEGGOOOOOO!

Having learned a thing or two from their tagging with Dance Dance Dragon, Los Diablos dance out onto the stage, bumping and humping guardrails on their way to the ring. The pink and yellow lights flashing, "It's Raining Men" blaring through the loud speakers. Moracca hands a teenage boy his sombrero before he and Mariachi hop on the apron and slingshot in, not wasting anytime going after their beloved mascot's murderers.

* DINGDINGDING *

Los Conquistadors are smashed into opposite turnbuckles and whipped across the ring in an "X" formation. Los Diablos charge in and monkey flip the Conquistadors out of the corner, finishing the rapid series of moves with duel dropkicks to the knees. While Moracca follows up with another dropkick, to the head, Mariachi rides Dos like a horse, spanking him as he yells “Giddy up!”

COACH

These guys are an embarrassment to the company, to the country. Hell, they're not even here legally! To think they could one day become tag team champions is horrifying.

Uno and Dos seek shelter outside but Los Diablos have none of that, running up the ropes and somersaulting onto Los Conquistadors!

COLE

The action is fast and furious to start. Moracca tossing Uno, or the man we persume is Uno, back in. These Conquistadors hard to tell apart.

Fortunately OAOAST officials decided to assign 2 referees to follow the action.

Springboard legdrop finds its mark, but Uno kicks out of Moracca's cover before the referee even has a chance to count. An early message to Los Diablos de Fuego that it's not over yet. Stinging overhand chops keep Uno rattled as Mariachi hooks up with his partner inside. The ambigously flamboyant duo take Uno around the world in a tilt-a-whirl, slamming him into the canvas flapjack style. Upon seeing Dos return to his feet, Mariachi heads to the ropes and grabs onto the top as he swings himself over and right onto the Golden Boy, snapping him to the ground with a huracarrana! Los Diablos trade places, with Mariachi sliding in as Moracca steps out on the apron and catches Dos on the way up with a running cannonball!

Inside, Mariachi shoots Uno into the ropes and handsprings up onto his shoulders, twisting around to perform a flying headscissors! Then he flies off the top for a hurricarana, which Uno counters into a powerbomb!

1...

2...

Kickout!

To add insult to injury, Uno hits Mariachi with his own piledriver!

1...

2...

3!

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER

The winners of the fall, Los Conquistadors! Mariachi now has till the count of 10 to make it back to his feet or lose the match for his team.

Despite no official rest period, that's exactly how the 10 count serves as. It's anything but as Los Conquistadors look to finish Moracca as well, lifting him up for a double suplex outside...but he floats over and clotheslines both Conquistadors into the crowd, pulls in the guardrail and asks for everyone to get back as he springs off the middle rope, twisting and turning in midair before moonsaulting onto Los Conquistadors!

1...

2...

3!

* DINGDINGDING *

COLE

A double pin! How 'bout that?

BUFFER

The winners of the fall, Los Diablos de Fuego! Los Conquistadors now have till the count of 10 to make it back to their feet or lose the match.

COLE

You heard it, fans. Since both men got pinned both must return to their feet, otherwise the match is over and Los Diablos win.

Lost in the chaos, Mariachi, still down from the piledriver.

FOUR...

FIVE...

SIX...

As the slowest 10 count in history ensues, Moracca climbs back into the ring and proceeds to administer MOUTH-TO-MOUTH...with extra tongue!

COLE

Well, uh...

COACH

That's one of the most uncomforable situations I've ever been around. How do you call that?

SEVEN...

Mariachi comes to at eight, thankful to his knight in shining armor. Both masked men stare into each other's eyes.

And I will always love you.

I will always love you.

You, my darling you. Hmm.

COLE

We apologize for the audio difficulties, ladies and gentlemen. Apparently a glitch in our sound system.

Los Conquistadors help each other up to break their countout at six. As they hop over the railing, the golden duo are psyched out by sight of the two flaming luchadors fastly approaching. Being men of style Los Diablos adjust in mid-move, hurdling over the top rope, landing safely on the apron. They kick Los Conquistadors in the head and then connect with stereo ASAI MOONSAULTS!

1...

2...

Kickout x2!

Dos is thrown back in, while Moracca and Uno rage battle outside. On the bad end of things Uno grabs Moracca by the tights and posts him, following it up with a RING BELL SHOT that cuts through the pink mask and skin!

1...

2...

3!

BUFFER

The winners of the fall, Los Conquistadors.

COACH

Now this is what we came to see.

COLE

Moracca has been lacerated and lacerated deeply. Los Conquistadors have drawn first blood!

ONE....

TWO...

THREE...

FOUR...

Meanwhile, inside, Dos is trapped in a single-leg crab which Mariachi turns into a bow and arrow. But he leaves his upper torso exposed, and Uno makes him pay for it with a GUILLOTINE LEGDROP! Los Conquistadors place Mariachi on the top turnbuckle for a super backdrop, but Dos' leg buckles as they're about to lift off, allowing Mariachi to slip out over and crack both Conquistadoors heads together, knocking Uno down to the arena floor. Mariachi settles Dos on the top and hits a mind-blowingly awesome REVERSE FRANKENSTEINER!!

1...

2...

3!

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER

The winners of the fall, Los Diablos de Fuego!

Mariachi rushes to the aid of Moracca, bringing him to his feet to break the countout at nine.

COACH

What's up with these counts? They're taking forever. I counted Moracca out minutes ago.

COLE

The referees aren't operating on "Coach Time." They're given the wrestlers every chance to make it back to their feet. They understand the importance of this match to both teams.

With a pause in the action perhaps the hottest looking SECURITY GUARD in the world, who looks alot like Mackenzie DeCenzo, appears out of nowhere and hands Uno a GUCCI PURSE. The purse produces a one size too small BARBED WIRE TIARA which is used to "CROWN" Mariachi!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!"

COLE

Do you know who that was?

COACH

I couldn't tell from here.

COLE

Don't give me that. That was Mackenzie DeCenzo and you know it. She handed Uno that damn purse. First it was a glove wrapped in barbed wire, now it's a tiara wrapped in barbed wire!

COACH

Jesus probably wishes he'd look as good as Mariachi does right now. Beats the hell outta a loin cloth.

COLE

How blasphemous!

As if it couldn't get any worse for Mariachi, Los Conquistadors hit a spike piledriver for the sole purpose of driving the barbed wire tiara deeper into the skull. Rather than go for the pin and the possible knockout, they seek to humilate Mariachi even further, pulling a TABLE out from underneath the ring and set it outside. Before they have the opportunity to put Mariachi through the table, Moracca returns en fuego. Bloody, battered and beaten but still full of mucha lucha, Moracca frustrates Los Conquistadors using his speed to strike fast and avoid capture. Charging forward, Uno and Dos miss grabbing ahold of Moracca as he crawls under a double clothesline attempt and nails them both with a running BUTT thump!

COLE

I've heard of using your head, but your BUTT?

COACH

Believe you me, Los Diablos use their butts as much as they use their heads. Go to any "singles bar" and you'll find him.

Moracca stays on the attack, firing a Conquistador into the ropes, but it's reversed. Moracca remains cool under pressure and performs a moonsault off the second rope, but nobody's home. Luckily, he's able to land on his feet...until Dos clotheslines him straight to hell. Moracca rolls out to the floor to avoid being pinned, bringing himself back up with the aid of the guardrail. No time for a breather though. Dos whips Uno across the ring, giving his partner extra momentum as he dives through the ropes and...

* THUD *

...eats a CHAIRSHOT!

COLE

Oh, my! Uno may be-- no, he is busted open! Moracca grabbing a ringside fan's chair as a weapon. Here's the cover!

1...

2...

3!

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER

The winners of the fall, Los Diablos de Fuego!

You've heard of a pissed off prep, now get a load of a pissed off Conquistador. As Jack Doan counts Uno out on the floor, Dos yanks Moracca onto the apron and gouges the eyes. Blinded, Moracca swings wildly as Dos understandably gets the better end of the exchange. Focused on the task at hand Dos doesn't see Mariachi sneak up and dropkick him towards Moracca, who sorta monkey flips Dos into the air and face-first into the ringpost! Uno crumbles to the ground and is soon surrounded by drips of blood on the protective mats. Another victim in this deathmatch. He gets up groggy and walks right into a hurricarana from the apron...but he manages to catch Moracaa in midair and slam him straight back into the ringpost!!

1...

2...

3!

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER

The winners of the fall, Los Conquistadors!

The pin is made just as Uno gets up, ending his count at eight. He doesn't have long to celebrate Dos' pinfall, brought down by Mariachi's infamous springboard seated senton into compromising position. Compromising position because Mariachi passes up the pin in favor of dishing out more punishment, painfully removing the barbed wire tiara from his head to stuff it in the face of Uno...but Dos comes along and saves the day. The two Conquistadors pound on Mariachi, strangling him with his own arm tassel as Uno viciously grinds the tiara into the face!

ONE...

TWO...

THREE...

COLE

He's a human being, damnit!

COACH

Must be an interrogation method used in Latin America. They believe in hardcore violence down there. What utter bruality. But great teamwork. After getting busted open by the ringpost Uno needed some much needed time to recover and Dos gave him just that, lying a beatdown on that peasent Mariachi.

FOUR...

FIVE...

SIX...

Dos literally drags Mariachi around the ring by the tassel wrapped around his neck! Mariachi desperately tries to escape the Conquistador's clutches, every breath he takes possibly being his last. They reach the timekeeper's table and Dos goes straight for the ring bell, taking his eyes off Mariachi long enough for him to blind his fellow mask competitor with the Los Diablos de Fuego trademark SOMBRERO! From one trademark to another, in Mariachi's case, as the PITCH FORK is jabbed into Dos' gut and then across his back!

Speaking of which, Uno jumps on Mariachi, riding him to the ground. With the action having moved across the ring, Moracca is forgotten on the flip side. Which is okay by him as he's given all the time in the world to rest. He watches as Los Conquistadors lay Mariachi on the table already set up on the floor. Uno makes sure Mariachi stays down as Dos brings in another table, stacking it on top of the one with Mariachi.

COLE

Oh, my. What do Los Conquistadors have in mind?

COACH

Pain and destruction!

Apparently Los Conquistadors were never Boy Scouts, as Mariachi manages to wiggle free just when Dos is about to be launched off the top. You know what happens next. If not: Moracca crotches Dos on the turnbuckles and knocks Uno off the apron and through the stack of tables! That riles up the crowd and Los Diablos de Fuego. Moracca sucks Dos back into the ring in a REAR NAKED CHOKE W/DRY HUMPING~!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

COLE

(disgusted)

Aw, what's he doing here?!

He being THEODORE MONEYMAKER. The Enterprise CEO on his way to squared circle when he's stopped by Mariachi, drawing both referees outside to keep the peace. Which allows CHRISTIAN WRIGHT to run in and nail Moraaca upside head with an OXYGEN TANK, then revive both Conquistadors before fleeing through the crowd!

COLE

No! No! Turn around ref!

COACH

Damn, this is brilliant!

Naturally, the ref turns and sees a pin attempt. Nick slides in as Jack Doan does his best to keep Teddy and Mariachi separated.

1...

2...

3-- NO!

COLE

Mariachi with the save just in the nick of time!

"YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Los Conquistadors take their anger out on Mariachi, beating him down like a dog. A stray dog because there's no emotional attachment like it would be beating your own dog. Mariachi is beaten so bad Los Conquistadors set him up for their double team finisher, the slingshot clothesline...but Uno slingshots Mariachi too hard towards the corner, enabling him pick up some serious air and take Dos down off the top with a HURRICARANA!

1...

2...

3!

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER

The winners of the fall, Los Diablos de Fuego!

ONE...

TWO...

THREE...

Still in disbelief, Uno is unable to break the pin. He snaps out of it and lunges at Mariachi, who brings him down with a drop toehold. Los Diablos then place the barbed wire tiara on his head and hit the spike tombstone piledriver they call THE SODOMIZER!

FOUR...

FIVE...

SIX...

SEVEN...

EIGHT...

NINE...

TEN!

* DINGDINGDING *

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match...LOS DIABLOS DE FFFUUUUUEEEEEGGOOOOOO!

"YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Mentally and physically exhausted, Los Diablos have nothing left in the tank when they're attacked by the BEVERLY HILLS BLONDS!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The Blonds have their way with Los Diablos, beating them chairs and Moracca's own rhinestone belt until OAOAST officials are able to arrival and restore order.

COLE

Surprise, surprise. Ned wasn't injured. He's a fraud. The Blonds are frauds and assholes. Yeah, I said it. A cowardly act on their part.

COACH

Ned had a valid medical excuse.

COLE

And somewhere in America a doctor has compromised his ethics for the almighty dollar. Let's cut away from this crap.

And depending on your point of view, it's time for MORE crap as we are once again treated to a black screen. The following words appear on the screen in big white blocky letters:

THE LIGHTNING CREW NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

DECEMBER 31, 2006

"No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Royds is once again on a loop. The Lightning Crew members and Stephen Joseph Popick are discussing things, while Stacey Robertson is still sitting on the leather sofa watching TV. "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican spots the camera.

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN

Back again? I knew you couldn't get enough of us! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, it's 8:16 p.m. right about now, which means we are 4 hours away from the new year! I am SOOOOOOO excited! Look! Look at me!

The camera focuses on PRL's shaking hands.

PRL

My hands are shaking, I'm so excited! I mean, really! I can't wait! The Lightning Crew is just chilling like Bob Dylan, while STACEY is still sitting on her flat ass watching the boob tube. She misses her boyfriend so much. She's all like (mocking high(er) pitched voice): 'Oh. Colombian Heat! I miss my baby! I miss my lover! Please take me back to him! Please? Please? Please?' Please! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! OH JUST STUFF IT ALREADY, JESUS!

Stacey overhears PRL. PRL smiles at her. He even gives her a cheesy thumbs up.

PRL

Love ya, Stacey!

But his smile turns into a scowl when he turns back to the camera.

PRL

I can't wait till she's off our hands tomorrow!

THOMAS RODRIGUEZ

Hey P.R., can we order a pizza?

PRL

Yeah, sure! Anyway, hope you guys in the OAOAST enjoy your Mainframe Monday show. I could have been apart of it...but I chose not to. Because no way am I allowing those pieces of trailer park trash you call OAOAST fans determine my destiny! Uh-uh! No way! NO HOW! FOR-GET IT! So, you can just let Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua kick D*LUX's candy asses, because I'm not gonna, especially on tomorrow night's show! So choke on that, slap nuts!

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

PUERTO RICAN

Well, who could that be?

Tha Puerto Rican walks with a swagger up to the door and opens it. Four people enter the room, each one having a black dot covering their faces. The Lightning Crew and Stephen Joseph Popick cheer.

PRL

*Gasp!* Why it's my close personal friends, Eminem, Paris Hilton, Robert De Niro, and Will Ferrell! How you guys doing!? Eminem, what's up?

PRL gives "Eminem" (COUGH!) a manly hug.

PRL

Paris, looking good as always!

Puerto Rican gives "Paris Hilton" (COUGH!) a kiss on her right cheek.

PRL

Bobby! Still keeping in shape, huh?

PRL gives "Robert De Niro" (COUGH!) a hug.

PRL

Willie! I'd love you in that movie you just did!

PRL hugs "Will Ferrell" (COUGH!).

THA PUERTO RICAN

Listen guys, I'm so glad you could make it to my New Year's Eve party. Drinks are on the house, I've got 467 channels, and the bathrooms are all shiny and clean. So you guys make yourself at home, a'ight? Cool! And Stacey, be good to my guests okay? They're my close personal friends so treat them nice!

Stacey Robertson just rolls her eyes, knowing full well that PRL is full of bullshit. "Eminem", "Paris Hilton", "Robert De Niro", and "Will Ferrell" enter the hotel room. PRL watches them leave, and then turns and faces the camera.

THA PUERTO RICAN

So, Colombian Heat, if you're watching this, I'd just like to say that I hate your guts. You make me sick. And I want you to die. TOODLES~!

PRL walks over to his "friends".

THA PUERTO RICAN

Yo, guys, wait up!

The camera zooms in on Stacey Robertson, sitting by herself on the sofa watching the TV. "No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Royds ends.

Another black screen appears. The following words appear on screen in big white blocky letters:

TO BE CONTINUED...

Commercials

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

COLE

Up next is the 20 man X-Division Gaunt...Let

Someone is obviously yelling something in Michael Cole's headset to distract him from what he was saying.

COLE

It seems that we have “Mean” Gene standing by backstage with some urgent information.

We are whisked backstage where a shambolic and disturbed “Mean” Gene Okerlund is standing by as blue lights flash in the background.

“MEAN” GENE

Thank you Tony--eeeer Michael. Backstage is chaos tonight, and I'm not talking about the normal chaos where a guy gets pissed over spilled coffee and then launches into a 4 month long feud either. This is REAL chaos people!

COACH

Gene, Gene calm down and tell us what's happening.

COLE

Are those police lights we see flashing?

“MEAN” GENE

Indeed they are Tony! It all started innocently enough when the road agent wanted to find out who drew number one for the Gauntlet so that he could get ready. Well NO ONE would admit to being number one, and well then Ramone Gutierrez started claiming that maybe Venom drew number one but was too yellow to show up.

COACH

I could see that happening.

“MEAN” GENE

Well as you can imagine that didn't sit well with the other Space Cadets so a small fight broke out...well as it happens with everything else here in the OAOAST a small fight turned into a large fight, which in turn turned into a locker room wrecking rampage as everybody in the Gauntlet started fighting. The arena security had to call in the police to break up the fight.

COLE

So we'll still be seeing the Gauntlet match now right?

“MEAN” GENE

Eeerrm.

COLE

Right?

“MEAN” GENE

Well it's like this Tony.

COLE

You mean Michael.

“MEAN” GENE

Yeah, yeah Michael that's what I said. It's like this Tony, the police kinda...Sorta...Had to take a few of the guys with them to keep tempers from flaring up again...so...well we're a couple of guys short.

COACH

Wait, wait, wait they were arrested?

“MEAN” GENE

Sorta Jesse, they were taken away to let tempers settle down, prevent more property damage and all.

COLE

So how many of them are still in the arena?

“MEAN” GENE

Oh about eight of them.

COLE & COACH

EIGHT!

“MEAN” GENE

Yeah...but Anglesault himself has promised that this Gauntlet match *WILL* happen.

COACH

Excellent.

“MEAN” GENE

Just not tonight.

COACH

D'Oh!

“MEAN” GENE

That's it from me Tony and Jesse, over to you.

COLE

I swear “Mean” Gene is loosing it in front of our very eyes.

COACH

What makes you say that Tony?

COLE

Grrrr. Anyway, let's go back to "Mean" Gene Okuerland to find out the voting results for our next match-up: Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua vs. D*LUX!

Cut to "Mean" Gene Okuerland at the set a few feet away from the interview stage with Maria. "Mean" Gene is a little out of breath from having to jog from the backstage area to the arena (there's sweat pouring out of his forehead), but he puts his game face on and begins speaking into his microphone.

"MEAN" GENE OKUERLAND

All right fans, it's time to find out what the stipulation will be for the Cuban Wall & Mr. Boricua vs. D*LUX match coming up later tonight!

The fans turn their attention to the AngleTron where we see the graphic for the Cuban Wall/Boricua vs. D*LUX match on screen. The AngleTron then shows all three stipulations. The fans buzz in anticipation as the voting results are revealed.

A) Tables Match: 36%

B) Steel Cage Match: 12%

C) Latino Thug Street Fight: 52%

The fans cheer.

MARIA

So the stipulation for the Cuban Wall & Mr. Boricua vs. D*LUX match will be...a LATINO THUG STREET FIGHT!

MEAN GENE

That's right, Maria! Good luck to all four men in this contest! Back to Cole and Coachman at ringside!

(Cut to Double C~!)

COLE

Well all right fans, while the four men get ready for their match, let's take a look at how this match came about. It was 3 weeks ago on HeldDOWN~!. D*LUX were taking on "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican and Stephen Joseph Popick in a rematch for the HI-YAH World Tag Team Titles. D*LUX HAD the match won, but then this happened!

The OAOAST New Year's Spectacular: Mainframe Monday logo flashes across the screen. Cut to footage from OAOAST HeldDOWN~! on December 14, 2006, helpfully captioned for us on the bottom right hand corner of the screen in big white blocky letters. We begin with D*LUX just about ready to finish the match.

Tyler motions for PRL to get to his feet. PRL is still lying on the mat, kissing the canvas. Stephen Joseph and Lindsay desperately try to warn PRL of his upcoming doom, while Shayne Brave and Jade Rodez watch, hoping that Tyler nails the move.

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican is in a bad way here! We could be seconds away from the crowning of new HI-YAH Tag Team Champions!

COACH

For the love of God, PRL! Look out! He's coming to spear you! Get out of the way! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

Tha Puerto Rican slowly gets up, using his fists to get his head off the ground. He then gets on his right knee. Jade Rodez slaps the mat, getting the crowd to clap in unison.

COLE

The end maybe near for Tha Puerto Rican and Stephen Joseph's Tag Team Title reign!

COACH

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

COLE

Tyler, eyeing, ready to strike with his spear!

COACH

Look out! Look out! Look out!

PRL uses the ropes to slowly get to a vertical base. He rests his head on the top turnbuckle pad to catch his breath. PRL wipes the sweat off of his forehead and turns around, just as "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant charges forward like a bull--

NAILING THA PUERTO RICAN WITH THE MERRY TYLER GORE SHOWii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

COLE

The Merry Tyler Gore Show! He hit it! Tyler's got the match won for D*LUX!

Tyler goes straight into the jacknife pin. Nick Patrick counts along with the fans.

1...

2...

2 1/2

2.999999999999999999999999999999999999

MR. BORICUA COMES INTO THE RING AND KICKS TYLER IN THE FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COLE

No! No! No! Damnit! No!

Mr. Boricua starts stomping on Tyler Bryant, which leaves Nick Patrick no other choice, but to call for the bell.

*DING DING DING* (24:15)

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

COLE

No! Damnit! It's not right! It's not fair! Tyler had the match won! D*LUX were going to win back the HI-YAH Tag Team Titles!

Cuban Wall also enters the ring, and together, the two big men of The Lightning Crew proceed to do a beatdown on "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant! The crowd boos loudly!

COLE

The Lightning Crew has once again screwed D*LUX out of the HI-YAH World Tag Team Titles! Just like a November Reign, The Lightning Crew has SCREWED D*LUX!

COACH

Ah, isn't life grand?

Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua continue their beatdown of Tyler Bryant even as Nick Patrick keeps calling for the bell. Cuban Wall ends that by grabbing Nick Patrick and throwing him over the top rope and to the floor! Wall and Boricua go back to kicking the crap out of Tyler. Shayne Brave enters the ring and tries his hands at Wall, but the 6'7" 285 pound big man shrugs him off and punches Shayne in the face. He then grabs his neck in a goozle~!

COLE

Oh no! No! Not this!

Mr. Boricua joins Cuban Wall in the goozle, just to make things 10x worse.

COACH

W00t~! Mr. Boricua!

Mr. Boricua and Cuban Wall look at each other, then grab Shayne by his jeans and lift him up...

DOUBLE CHOKESLAM ON "SHOWTIME" SHAYNE BRAVE!!!!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Shayne Brave convulses on the mat! Jade Rodez has no choice but to stand at ringside and watch all of this, helpless. Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua scream, snort, and yell. Stephen Joseph Popick enters the ring to root the two big men on. Mr. Boricua splashes Shayne Brave to add insult to injury!

COLE

The Lightning Crew is destroying D*LUX!

COACH

This is what they get for trying to steal Tha Puerto Rican and Popick's Tag Team Title belts!

COLE

Coach, that is a bunch of bullsh--

COACH

And they're still continuing the punishment! LOOK!

Indeed, Mr. Boricua and Cuban Wall stomp the crap out of Tyler Bryant, with Popick joining in this time. Tha Puerto Rican gets to his feet and rests his head on the top rope, but watches all of this.

Indeed, Mr. Boricua and Cuban Wall stomp the crap out of Tyler Bryant, with Popick joining in this time. Tha Puerto Rican gets to his feet and rests his head on the top rope, but watches all of this. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez applauds the destruction she is witnessing.

"P.R. SUCKS!"

"P.R. SUCKS!"

"P.R. SUCKS!"

"P.R. SUCKS!"

A ringside attendant has handed Popick and P.R. their HI-YAH World Tag Team Championship belts. The HI-YAH Tag Champs hold their belts up high while Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua pick up the severely weakened "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant and punch him in the face.

COLE

Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua beating on Tyler like he's a giant piece of meat and they're Rocky Balboa!

Mr. Boricua whips Tyler Bryant into the ropes. When he comes back, Cuban Wall hits him with a big boot to the face! With Tyler Bryant down in the center of the ring, Cuban Wall decides that there's no better time than now to run up to the ropes, bounce off of them, run towards Tyler, leap up...and come crashing down on Tyler with his all his weight to do The Lightning Crew Splash! P.R./Popick applaud.

COLE

Lightning Crew Splash! The Lightning Crew Splash on Tyler Bryant! D*LUX is reeling from these attacks!

COACH

And look at poor little Jade Rodez! Forced to watch all of this! She can't help them. She's no match for Wall and Boricua and she knows this! I love it!

COLE

You are a sick human being, Coach. A sick human being.

Jade Rodez covers her face with her hands, tears appearing in her eyes. Stephen Joseph Popick tells Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua to pick Tyler Bryant up as garbage starts filling up the ring.

COLE

Oh now what? What are they going to do now?

Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua pick up Tyler by his long brown hair. Both big men smile an evil smile as they hold him up. Tyler is quite obviously out of it, but that still doesn't stop the assault. Stephen Joseph Popick measures the distance between him and Tyler, and then holds his HI-YAH World Tag Team Championship belt out. He smiles evilly and then charges forward, knocking Tyler Bryant down to the mat with a BELTSHOT~!

COLE

A ::Beltshot:: on Tyler Bryant! The fans are filling the ring with garbage, but they don't care! The Lightning Crew is enjoying this! Those sick bastards!

Now Tyler Bryant is convulsing on the mat. And blood starts dripping from his forehead. Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua raise their hands in the air, laughing manically about all of this. Tha Puerto Rican smirks.

"ASS-HOLE!"

"ASS-HOLE!"

"ASS-HOLE!"

"ASS-HOLE!"

Stephen Joseph Popick outstretches his arms in a crucified position, holding his HI-YAH World Tag Team Championship belt with his left hand. Popick laughs manically, soaking in the jeers of the fans.

STEPHEN JOSEPH POPICK

ONE MORE!?

CUBAN WALL & MR. BORICUA

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

COLE

No! No! No one more! No one more! That's enough! That's enough!

COACH

Yeah, I want one more! Give me one more Lightning Crew!

Tha Puerto Rican commences with the trash talking. SJP and Cuban Wall pick up the now-bleeding Tyler Bryant up. Cuban Wall clutches Bryant's throat. Mr. Boricua also clutches Bryant's throat. Together, they grab him by his jeans and lift him up.

DOUBLE CHOKESLAM ON "TREMENDOUS" TYLER BRYANT~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111

POPICK

YEAAAAHHHHHHH! YEAH-UH~! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Tremendous" Tyler Bryant lies on the mat, spread eagle, blood pouring out from the wound on his forehead. "Showtime" Shayne Brave lies on the mat, breathing hard and watching all of this. Jade Rodez puts her head down in shame. The crowd boos lustfully.

COLE

The Lightning Crew stand tall over BOTH members of D*LUX!

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of this match, as a result of a disqualification, D*LLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX! However, because the titles cannot change hands on a disqualification...STILL the HI-YAH Tag Team Champions of the

ooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllllllllddddddddddd! STEPHEN JOSEPH POPICK AND "The Corporate Champion" THA PUERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RICCCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

The crowd boos this. Garbage is still being thrown into the ring. A "P.R. SUCKS!" chant starts up. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez applauds her men. "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican and Stephen Joseph Popick raise their HI-YAH World Tag Team Championship belts in the air while Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua give them a round of applause.

COACH

Champions now, Champions tomorrow, Champions FOREVER!

Stephen Joseph Popick gets in "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant's face. He taunts him despite the fact that Tyler is unconscious from the repeated abuse at the hands of The Lightning Crew. Popick does the "You can't see me!" hand gesture and then jams his HI-YAH World Tag Team Title belt in the face of Bryant.

STEPHEN JOSEPH

YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET THIS BELT AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME!? NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! DEAL WITH IT, PINK BOY!

Popick kicks Tyler in the face just because. The camera cuts to close-ups of Shayne and Tyler. The crowd continues booing.

COLE

The Lightning Crew has decimated D*LUX tonight. They have completely and utterly DESTROYED them. We all thought that tonight was the night that D*LUX would get their revenge and get their belts back, but The Lightning Crew had other plans.

COACH

Bravo, Lighting Crew, bravo! I'd say my hats off to you, but I'm not wearing any hats tonight.

"Voodoo Child (Slight Return)" by Jimi Hendrix starts playing again. "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican high fives Popick, and then raises his HI-YAH World Tag Team Championship belt over his head. He then sneers in the general direction of D*LUX and does the "You can't see me!" hand gesture. P.R. points to the nameplate on the belt which has his name on it, telling D*LUX there is no chance in hell that they'll ever win back the HI-YAH World Tag Team Titles.

COLE

What a pathetic display from The Lightning Crew!

COACH

You mean what an incredible display from The Lightning Crew! I give it 5 stars!

COLE

I give it 0. These guys are the worst!

COACH

Oh, quit being such a crybaby, crybaby!

COLE

Stuff it, Coach!

Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez enters the ring with PRL's black spray-painted briefcase. She hugs her boyfriend first, then Popick. She then raises their hands to more boos from the fans. Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua look at what's left of D*LUX, a satisfied grin on Wall's face. Mr. B grunts, yells, and snorts. He then cracks his knuckles. D*LUX are still down and out with no signs of movement from either of them as "Voodoo Child (Slight Return)" continues playing.

The OAOAST New Year's Spectacular: Mainframe Monday logo flashes across the screen. The camera does a wide pan of the arena as the announcers continue speaking.

COLE

And that's what led to the match you are about to see today. As voted by you, the fans, D*LUX, Mr. Boricua, and Cuban Wall will collide in a Latino Thug Street Fight. The rules are simple: you come dressed the way you entered the arena in , and you must bring weapons. There are no disqualifcations, no countouts. Falls only count in the ring. This will be quite the uphill battle for both members of D*LUX. Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua are the biggest men of The Lightning Crew, and they will surely not go down without a fight!

COACH

They won't go down at all! Mr. Boricua and Cuban Wall are unstoppable ESPECIALLY against those two boyband wannabes! This match won't even go 5 minutes, I can bet you it won't!

COLE

Care to put some actual money on that bet?

COACH

Yes. Yes I do. I bet you $20 that this match won't go past 5 minutes!

COLE

And I accept that bet. You're on!

COACH

Good. We'll see who's out $20 in 5 minutes! HA HA HA HA HA!

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

"LIGHTNING CREW!"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The opening to "No Chance In Hell" starts up, causing the crowd to stand up and commence with the booing. The Lightning Crew entrance video plays on the AngleTron, and strobe lights appear around the entrance set. Smoke all fills the entryway. Finally, the crescendo hits, a lightning bolt hits the entrance, and "No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Royds begins playing.

*No Chance (No chance)

That's what ya got! (Ha. Ha. Yeah!)

We're up against

no machine too strong (Too strong)

Pussy politicians buying souls for us

are...PUPPETS! (Puppets!)*

After a few seconds, Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua come out to more boos. The two big men stand in the center of the entrance and stare straight at the ring, with scowls on their faces. Cuban Wall is in his regular wrestling attire because he lives and breathes wrestling, damnit! Mr. Boricua is also in his regular wrestling attire because...well, because that's the only outfit he owns, the poor sumbitch. Mr. Boricua looks at the crowd with a sneer on his face, carrying a crutch, while Cuban Wall looks at the crowd and pumps his right fist into the air. His left hand is holding a steel chair. Boricua yells at Wall, so Cuban Wall motions for the two of them to begin their walk to the ring. Mr. Boricua cracks his knuckles, grunts, and snorts as they walk to the ring.

*But will find their place

in line (In line)

But tie a string around your finger now boy cuz

Cuz, it's just a matter of time!

Cuz you've got...NO CHANCE! (You've got no chance!)

NO CHANCE IN HELL!

You've got...NO CHANCE! (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!)

NO CHANCE IN HELL!

You've got...NO CHANCE! (Got no chance)

NO CHANCE IN HELL!

You've got...NO CHANCE! (No chance)

NO CHANCE IN HELLLLLLLLLLLL!*

*DING DING DING*

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a Latino Thug Street Fight, scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, coming to the ring at this time. At a total combined weight of 585 lbs. Representing The Lightning Crew. The team of CUBAN WALL and MR. BORRRRRRRRRRRRIIIICCCUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

*Come on!

Come on!

Come and get it! (Come and get it!)

Come on! (Come on!)

Come on!

Come and get it! (Come and get it!)

Come on! (Come on!)

Come on!

Come and get it! (Come and get it!)

Come on! (Come on!)

Come on!

Come and get it!

No chance (Yeah)*

Mr. Boricua yells at the fans, threatening to hit them with the crutch. Cuban Wall shadowboxes a bit, and then walks to the ring, his eyes focused solely on it, with a serious look on his face.

COLE

Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua have got their weapons in their hands. A crutch and a steel chair.

COACH

Good ideas for weapons, by the way.

COLE

I would think so. But it could be argued that The Lightning Crew members don't need weapons. Their height and weight are weapons enough as it is.

COACH

Yeah, but who cares? Mr. Boricua and Cuban Wall are just going by the rules. Something you accuse The Lightning Crew of always breaking!

COLE

They ARE always breaking the rules! The reason they aren't breaking any rules in this match is because there AREN'T any rules! You can't break rules that don't exist!

COACH

Yes you can.

COLE

What!? No, you can't Coach!

COACH

Yes you can.

COLE

..........

Mr. Boricua and Cuban Wall climb over the top rope to enter the ring. Boricua and Wall look at the crowd and then stand in the middle of the ring. They drop their weapons to their sides, and then do The Lightning Crew Salute! The crowd boos some more. Mr. Boricua yells at the ringside fans. Cuban Wall also jaws with them. Boricua and Wall head to opposite second turnbuckles and raise their hands in the air, receiving boos.

*NO CHANCE! (You've got no chance!)

NO CHANCE IN HELL!

You've got...NO CHANCE! (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!)

NO CHANCE IN HELL!

You've got...NO CHANCE! (Got no chance)

NO CHANCE IN HELL!

You've got...NO CHANCE! (No chance!)

NO CHANCE IN HELLLLLLLLLLLL!

YEAH!*

"No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Royds ends. Mr. Boricua and Cuban Wall get off the second turnbuckles and grab their weapons. The two big men look to the entrance as they remove their sunglasses and drop them on the floor to be taken by a ringside attendant. Wall also removes his gold chains and earring on his right ear.

COLE

Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua are in the ring, they're ready to go!

COACH

This is going to be good! D*LUX are going to get squashed AND I'm going to get paid $20! I love it!

COLE

I hope you eat your words, Coach.

COACH

Bite me, Cole!

Mr. Boricua and Cuban Wall angrily look at the entrance. The crowd chants for D*LUX, anxiously awaiting the entrance of the former HI-YAH World Tag Team Champions.

"JUST ONE ON ONE

THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT BABY!

JUST ONE ON ONE, THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT!

JUST ONE ON ONE

THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT BABY!

JUST ONE ON ONE, THAT'S THE WAY WE DO IT!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"First To Believe" by A1 starts playing, causing the crowd to explode with cheers! "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant and "Showtime" Shayne Brave come out, and the crowd cheers some more! D*LUX are dressed for battle, looking quite badass...well as badass as boyband singers can look. Both men are dressed in sleeveless black D*LUX T-shirts, along with black elbow pads, white taped fists, faded blue demin jeans, black knee pads OVER their knees, and black workman boots. Tyler is carrying a trash can lid, while Shayne is carrying a Kendo stick. D*LUX strike a pose, although their pose is more of the "I'm going to kick your ass" variety than usual. D*LUX then walk to the ring, their eyes focused intensely on the men in the ring.

BUFFER

And their opponents. Coming to the ring at this time. From the great state of Michigan. Weighing in at a total combined weight of 397 lbs. They are the former HI-YAH Tag Team Champions of the worrrrlllllllddddddddddddd! "Showtime" Shayne Brave. "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant. D*LUUUUUXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!

D*LUX continue their walk to the ring, not even bothering to slap hands with the fans tonight.

COLE

D*LUX are ready for battle. They want some payback for what those two men in the ring did to them three weeks ago, and tonight they might just get it!

COACH

Well, just like you winning our bet, they might as well keep dreaming, because D*LUX are going to become D*CRUSHED thanks to Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua! This shall be quite the match!

COLE

That's the first truthful thing you've said all night!

Tyler and Shayne leap onto the ring apron. They enter the ring, and start taunting Wall and Boricua, who don't look scared one bit. Tyler mouths, "Right here! Right now!" perhaps referencing a song by Fatboy Slim. Or more likely, telling Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua when he wants to fight.

COLE

No Jade Rodez here tonight.

COACH

No Lightning Crew either. Although that's probably because The LC were celebrating New Year's Eve last night and are hungover. Cuban Wall doesn't drink before big matches, and Mr. Boricua's so dumb that alcohol doesn't do any harm to him.

COLE

Careful, you don't want to have him hear that.

COACH

Don't worry. I'm tight with The Lightning Crew! Really. We're tight, yo!

COLE

Sure, Coach, sure.

Referee Charles Robinson pats down both members of D*LUX and Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua, even though he doesn't really have to, what with there being no rules and all. Still, he pats them down and then calls for the bell.

*DING DING DING*

LATINO THUG STREET FIGHT

CUBAN WALL and MR. BORICUA vs. D*LUX

"First To Believe" by A1 dies down. As soon as the bell rings, the match begins as D*LUX and Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua engage in a slugfest as the crowd cheers.

COLE

And here we go! The Latino Thug Street Fight has begun! And you can bet that if D*LUX wins they may get another shot at the HI-YAH World Tag Team Titles!

COACH

Keep dreaming, guys! You too, Cole. I know you dream about D*LUX all the time!

Shayne Brave takes on Mr. Boricua, while Tyler Bryant is slugging it out with Cuban Wall. Cuban Wall gains the advantage with Tyler, and whips him into the ropes, following with a big boot which knocks Tyler into next week! Meanwhile, Shayne Brave knees Mr. Boricua in the gut and starts pummeling him in his hard head. The punches take Mr. Boricua into the ropes. Boricua is stunned, which gives Shayne just enough time to take a few steps back...and charge towards Mr. Boricua, jumping up and clotheslining him over the top rope and onto the floor!

COLE

And the match is already leaving the ring! Shayne and Mr. Boricua are on the outside!

COACH

And look, Mr. Boricua is still on his feet!

Yep, Mr. Boricua landed on his feet. And he starts beating Shayne Brave on the outside. Brave and Boricua fight it out, while inside the ring, Cuban Wall picks up Tyler Bryant and nails him with some European Uppercuts. Tyler stumbles all the way to a turnbuckle. Cuban Wall positions Tyler perfectly against the turnbuckle, and then starts giving him boxing jabs all over his body.

COLE

Cuban Wall with those big-time soupbones, attacking Tyler Bryant with ease.

COACH

Yeah, that's right! Hurt him, Wall! Hurt him! Hurt him!

The crowd is now starting to worry for D*LUX's health. And that worry only grows worst as Cuban Wall hits Tyler in the face with several back elbows that look to severely weaken "Tremendous" Tyler. Mr. Boricua slams Shayne Brave's face on top of a barricade. He then grabs Shayne by his head and throws him over the barricade and into the crowd! Meanwhile, back in the ring, Cuban Wall whips Tyler Bryant into the opposite turnbuckle. Tyler reverses, and it's Wall that hits the turnbuckle! Tyler then charges forward...but Cuban Wall lifts Tyler Bryant up and over onto the ring apron! Bryant tries to punch Wall, but Wall blocks the punch and hits Tyler with a back elbow that sends him off the ring apron and onto the floor!

COLE

Oh! And Tyler goes flying onto the floor!

Tyler lies on the floor, trying to recover from the fall, but Cuban Wall climbs over the top rope and leaves the ring. While this is going on, Mr. Boricua and "Showtime" Shayne Brave are brawling in the crowd!

COLE

We've got 2 fights going on, but the ring is empty. The two teams are using this arena as their ring!

COACH

Just 2 more minutes and the money is mine!

COLE

Would you stop thinking about the money and enjoy this match!?

COACH

...No.

Security desperately tries to keep the crowd back as Mr. Boricua and Shayne Brave continue to brawl. Shayne tries to spear Mr. B into a wall, but Boricua is too damn big. Instead, Boricua clubs Shayne's back until Shayne is on his left knee. We go back to the ringside area where Cuban Wall is picking up Tyler Bryant and slamming him on top of the barricade once, twice, thrice, four, FIVE times! He then grabs Tyler Bryant by his long brown hair and drags him to the entryway where Wall starts punching him in the face repeatedly. CW then takes Tyler and drags him to the entrance. Mr. Boricua and Shayne Brave's brawl takes near the entrance, and after Mr. Boricua tosses Shayne OVER the barricade and onto the entryway, pretty soon, they are also at the entrance!

COLE

This match is hard to call!

COACH

So just shut your mouth and let me call the action!

Tyler Bryant is now groggy thanks to all the punching from Cuban Wall. So, Cuban Wall places Tyler in between his legs. The crowd boos, knowing what's coming up next. Wall grins an evil grin as he lifts Tyler Bryant up in the air--

AND GETS HIT FROM BEHIND WITH A GARBAGE CAN BY SHAYNE BRAVE!

COLE

Whoa! From out of nowhere, Shayne Brave comes and saves his tag team partner with that garbage can!

COACH

A FULL garbage can, by the way. So much crap in there, hopefully Cuban Wall throws both members of D*LUX into that can where they belong!

The garbage can shot doesn't cause Wall to fall, but he does let go of Tyler Bryant. Shayne then slams the garbage can against Cuban Wall's back again! The garbage can shots are doing their job in hurting Cuban Wall if the pain on his face is any indication. Shayne hits Wall with the garbage can for a third time! Shayne then throws the garbage can to Tyler, who hits Wall over the head with it! Tyler does this a second time, and by now there's a HUGE dent in the can with crap lying all over the entrance set. Wall falls to his right knee, and a third and fourth garbage can shot to the head by Tyler causes Wall to fall to both knees! D*LUX look at each other...and then do the NEW KICKS ON THE BLOCK!

COLE

Wow!

Cuban Wall falls to the floor. The crowd is hot.

"DEE-LUX!"

D*LUX decide to deal with the other Lightning Crew member, who is resting on a barricade. Tyler and Shayne take the garbage can and Mr. Boricua back to the ringside area. Mr. Boricua is winded, so Tyler has no problem putting the garbage can on Mr. Boricua's head. While the crowd laughs, Shayne goes back into the ring and grabs the Kendo Stick. He exits the ring and gets next to Mr. Boricua. After taking a few practice swings, Shayne Brave swings the Kendo Stick against the garbage can! The fans groan when they hear the sound the stick makes against the can. Shayne swings the Kendo Stick again, hitting the garbage can once more! Mr. Boricua is stumbling, so Shayne swings again, and Mr. Boricua falls face-first onto the floor!

COLE

1,2,3 strikes you're out!

Shayne drops the Kendo Stick and goes back into the ring. Tyler stands next to Mr. Boricua to make sure he doesn't get up. Shayne climbs the top rope nearest to the outside. The crowd cheers loudly as Shayne properly positions himself on the top rope.

COLE

He's not going to--no way!

"Showtime" Shayne looks ready to live up to his nickname as he stands up on the top rope, with Tyler Bryant pointing to the down and out Mr. Boricua. Brave jumps off the top rope, positioning himself to do his trademark elbow drop...

BUT MR. BORICUA ESCAPES AND SHAYNE HITS NOTHING BUT THE GARBAGE CAN!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

COLE

OH MY! Shayne missed his elbow drop! Mr. Boricua slipped out just in time!

COACH

All right, Mr. Boricua! Way to go! HA HA!

Shayne lies on the floor, holding his right elbow, wincing in pain. The garbage can is now flat as a board. Mr. Boricua yells and then gives Tyler Bryant a MASSIVE clothesline to the floor! Boricua yells some more, and then grabs the garbage from the garbage can and throws it down on Shayne's head! Boricua snorts and then yells at the crowd, posing to boos.

COLE

This match is certainly living up to its stipulation!

COACH

You got that right!

Cuban Wall is back on his feet, a little slower than before, but still full with *some* stamina left. He also has brought a camera with him, which he uses on the back of Shayne Brave!

COLE

My God, look at what Wall is doing! He's showing no mercy, no remorse on Shayne Brave!

The camera breaks into pieces. Mr. Boricua goes back into the ring and grabs the steel chair. He comes back out with it. Cuban Wall picks up the weakened Shayne Brave. Wall smiles evilly as Mr. Boricua lifts the chair over his head...and slams it on top of Shayne's! Shayne *should* be falling, but Cuban Wall holds him up so that Mr. Boricua can slam the chair on top of his head again! Cuban Wall holds up Shayne once again! Mr. Boricua takes a few steps back...charges forward...and swings the steel chair ACROSS the face of "Showtime" Shayne Brave! This time, he does fall!

COLE

Oh my. It looks like D*LUX's comeback has been cut short. The Lightning Crew members battering Shayne Brave senseless!

COACH

Somewhere PRL is smiling...if he's recovered from his hangover first.

Cuban Wall grabs the flatten trashcan and slams it over Shayne Brave's body a few times. Shayne is knocked out on the floor. Thinking they're done with Shayne, Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua turn their attention to Tyler Bryant. Cuban Wall goes to pick Tyler Bryant up--but gets hit in the gut with the steel chair! He does it again! And again! And again! And again!

COLE

Tyler coming back to life!

Tyler pulls himself back to his feet. He sees Cuban Wall bent over, so he swings the chair across the face of Cuban Wall, dropping him to his left knee!

"YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Tyler then hits Mr. Boricua over the head with the steel chair, causing a huge dent to appear on the chair! Mr. Boricua, meanwhile, just hits the barricade and rests there.

COACH

Oh crap! Come on, Mr. Boricua! Come on Wall! Don't let that boybander beat you! He's a wussy! You're men! SO ACT LIKE MEN!

"Tremendous" Tyler grabs Cuban Wall by his head and takes him back into the ring. Once there, Tyler stomps on the 6'7" 285 pound Muscle of The Lightning Crew while the crowd chants, "TY-LER! TY-LER!" Tyler heads to a turnbuckle and waits for Cuban Wall to get up. Anger etched on his face, the former HI-YAH World Tag Team Champion taunts Wall as he slowly gets up. Once Wall gets to his right knee, Tyler Bryant charges forward, jumps up, and nails Cuban Wall upside the head with a SHINING ENZIGURI~!

COLE

Shining Enziguri! What an incredible move from Tyler Bryant!

Bryant stomps on Cuban Wall some more in the ring. Meanwhile, Mr. Boricua has been busy looking underneath the ring. He finds exactly what he wanted--a table.

COACH

Oh yeah baby! Business is about to pick up!

COLE

The fans didn't vote for the Tables Match to win, but it looks like we're going to get to see some tables anyway!

The crowd cheers for the table. Mr. Boricua screams and yells and grunts as he sets the table up near the ring. Boricua slams the table to make sure it is in place and then yells. Back in the ring, Tyler Bryant is punching Cuban Wall on a turnbuckle. Bryant takes Cuban Wall off the turnbuckle as Mr. Boricua heads back into the ring. Phantom Neckbreaker on Cuban Wall! Tyler Bryant gets right back up...right into a GOOZLE from Mr. Boricua!

COLE

Oh no! Oh no!

COACH

Oh yes! Do it Mr. Boricua! Do it!

Mr. B yells at the gasping-for-air Tyler Bryant. The crowd boos loudly as Mr. Boricua grabs Tyler by his shirt and lifts him up high into the air. Mr. Boricua yells as he walks towards where the table is located.

COLE

Oh my God! No! No! He's not gonna--no! Don't do it! No! NO!

COACH

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Mr. Boricua yells...

AND THEN THROWS "TREMENDOUS" TYLER BRYANT OUT OF THE RING AND THROUGH THE TABLE!

CROWD

OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

COLE

OH MY GOD~!

Mr. Boricua grunts and snorts. Tyler Bryant lies in the wreckage of the table, not moving.

"HO-LEE SHIT!"

COACH

Yes! Yes! Way to go, Mr. Boricua! Way to go!

COLE

What an amazing move! Mr. Boricua throwing Tyler Bryant, all 6'0" and 209 pounds of him, out of the ring and through the table! That was--that was amazing!

COACH

Phenomenal is more like it! That was great! Mr. Boricua just threw Tyler Bryant out of the ring and hopefully, out of this match!

The OAOAST Starbucks Double Shot Instant Replay shows Mr. Boricua throwing "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant over the ring and through the table from different angles. Back in real time, Mr. Boricua is checking on Cuban Wall, who says he's okay, despite getting weaker. Charles Robinson checks on Tyler Bryant, but is pushed aside when Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua exit the ring.

COLE

Now come on!

COACH

They're not done with him yet, Mikey! They want the punishment to continue, and that's a-okay by me!

Charles Robinson pleads with Wall and Boricua to stop the match, but the 6'7" and 6'9" guys aren't going to listen to a 5-foot something referee. Cuban Wall shoves Charles Robinson and laughs in his face. Mr. Boricua picks the practically out of it Tyler Bryant up by his hair and shirt. Tyler's eyes are glazed over. Still, Mr. Boricua screams and yells in his face and then takes him to the entrance.

COLE

Despite everything that has happened in this match thus far, it STILL continues!

COACH

And it will continue until the bitter end!

Mr. Boricua beats the crap out of Tyler Bryant in the entrance. Mr. B whips Tyler into the entrance set. He then follows with a clothesline, knocking him down! As Mr. Boricua picks him up, the camera cuts to ringside where Cuban Wall's legs are being held by Shayne Brave!

COLE

And look at that! Look at Shayne Brave! He's still in this match! He's not giving up just yet!

COACH

Heh, heh. He's just asking for more trouble, isn't he?

Cuban Wall doesn't appreciate being held back, so he picks Shayne Brave up by his hair and shirt and starts beating on his back. However, Shayne fights back, and a slugfest erupts between the two men, causing the crowd to cheer loudly!

COLE

And Shayne Brave is back up! "Showtime" Shayne firing punches left and right! Tiring the Muscle of The Lightning Crew!

Shayne shockingly gains the advantage, punching Cuban Wall into oblivion. He then grabs a piece of the broken table and slams it across Cuban Wall's left shoulder! He does it several more times for good measure! But a punch from Wall stops the comeback. Cuban Wall knees Tyler Bryant in his stomach, and then hits him with the CLUBBERIN'~! THEY BE CLUBBERIN'~! forearms. The shots stun Shayne, so Cuban Wall grabs another piece of the broken table and throws it right into Shayne's head, breaking it even further!

COLE

Good God, what a shot!

COACH

All right!

"P.R. SUCKS!"

COLE

The crowd chanting the name of The Lightning Crew leader, who must surely be enjoying this match, considering D*LUX has been gunning for his and Stephen Joseph Popick's HI-YAH Tag Team Titles!

COACH

Again, depends on whether or not he's actually awake from his hangover.

COLE

That's a good point, Coach.

CW grabs Shayne Brave and taunts him. He then takes him by his shirt over to the entrance where Mr. Boricua and "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant are slugging it out.

COLE

All four men are now duking it out on the outside. This match can go on all night! There's no time limit!

D*LUX, Mr. Boricua, and Cuban Wall slug it out at the entrance. The crowd continues cheering loudly. The camera focuses on Tyler Bryant and Mr. Boricua beating each other up.

COLE

And D*LUX, Mr. Boricua, and Cuban Wall still brawling. This match has been nothing but brawling. I think only one wrestling move was used in this match!

COACH

Two, to be exact. And three if you count Mr. Boricua's chokeslam...which wasn't really a chokeslam technically.

Tyler Bryant and Mr. Boricua go at it. Boricua chokes Tyler with his bare hands, but Tyler kicks Boricua in the gut and starts punching him. Suddenly, a fire extinguisher goes off! It's revealed to be Shayne Brave using the fire extinguisher on Cuban Wall! Shayne then uses the fire extinguisher on Mr. Boricua, but gets some on Tyler Bryant!

COLE

I can't even tell what the hell is going on anymore! This match has been total chaos since the opening bell!

COACH

True, but these men like it that way! And hopefully this means Cuban Wall and Mr. Boricua can beat D*LUX, without having D*LUX whine about being *screwed* like they do with PRL and Popick!

Shayne Brave hits Cuban Wall over the head with the fire extinguisher! Wall collapses to the floor! "Showtime" Shayne grabs Cuban Wall and takes him back down the aisle. At the same time, Mr. Boricua is dragging Tyler, who is busted open, back to the ring.

COLE

Oh my. Oh man, Tyler Bryant is bleeding! He's been busted open! Somehow during the ruckus at the entrance, he got busted open!

COACH

Well good, now he'll know what his own blood tastes like. That'll make him more of a man!

COLE

I think being in this match already has made Tyler into more of a man!

COACH

Not really. He's still a wussy boybander in my eyes, and always will be! That little bitch.

COLE

Coach...*sigh*

The crowd is still hot! Mr. Boricua throws the bleeding Tyler Bryant back into the ring. Mr. B stomps on Tyler's body while the crowd chants his name. Mr. Boricua sits Tyler back up, and then moves back a few feet. Boricua then rushes forward and kicks Tyler in the back of the head, soccer-style!

COLE

My God, the power! The power of Mr. Boricua! Geeze, that hurt even ME!

Tyler Bryant clutches the back of his head. Mr. Boricua yells at the fans. He yells some more at them. Boricua then throws his hands up, causing the crowd to boo. Mr. Boricua grabs "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant by his hair, which now has red highlights in it because of the blood coming out. Boricua places Tyler in between his legs, causing the crowd to chant, "P.R. SUCKS!"

COLE

Uh-oh! He could be going for it! The Latino Bomb! The same move that caused Stacey Robertson to spend New Year's Eve with The Lightning Crew last Thursday! The same move that defeated Colombian Heat on HeldDOWN~! is about to be done on Tyler Bryant!

Mr. Boricua snorts, sneers at the crowd, grunts, yells, and then lifts "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant up high in the air. A hush silence falls over the crowd as they watch this.

COACH

Mr. Boricua's got him! The Lightning Crew's going to win! The Lightning Crew's going to win!

Mr. Boricua continues to hold up the bleeding Tyler Bryant up in the air.

*CRACK!*

BUT GETS HIT FROM BEHIND WITH A CRUTCH BY SHAYNE BRAVE!

"YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

COACH

No! Oh no!

COLE

Shayne Brave coming to the aid of his partner just in the nick of time!

The crutch breaks in half. Mr. Boricua stumbles, but he doesn't fall. However, his grip loosens on Tyler Bryant. This gives Tyler the opportunity to escape from the Latino Bomb position, but arch his body in the air so that he has Mr. Boricua caught in a front facelock! Tyler then uses all the energy he's got left to spin around, nailing Boricua with a tornado DDT!

COACH

Hey, that's Shayne's move!

COLE

I don't think Shayne cares at this point in the match.

Tyler and Mr. Boricua lie on the mat. Both men are breathing hard. Tyler's bleeding has stopped, but his face is still a crimson mask. Cuban Wall is resting on the barricade at ringside. Shayne Brave helps his tag team partner up. Tyler is a little out of it, but Shayne gets his attention when he tells him to do something from the top rope. Tyler agrees and picks Mr. Boricua up.

COACH

What are they going to do now, Michael?

COLE

I think I have an idea, Coach.

"Showtime" Shayne Brave exits the ring and climbs the top rope. The crowd noise gets louder as the fans realize what D*LUX is planning. Tyler Bryant gets on his left knee and throws Mr. Boricua over his right knee. Tyler nods his head at Shayne, who nods back.

COACH

Oh no! This isn't going to be good! I can't watch!

COLE

D*LUX looking to finish this match once and for all!

COACH

GET THE HELL UP, MR. BORICUA!

"Tremendous" Tyler Bryant holds the groggy Mr. Boricua over his right knee. Cuban Wall is now getting up, his eyes glazed over. "Showtime" Shayne Brave positions himself on the top rope, looking to finish this match at long last. The crowd cheers loudly as Shayne dives off the top rope...

HITTING THE TOP ROPE LEGDROP ON MR. BORICUA!

COLE

As Seen On 60 Minutes! They got it!

COACH

NO! NO! NO!

"Tremendous" Tyler Bryant covers Mr. Boricua, hooking his left leg. "Showtime" Shayne Brave watches, and also stands guard. Cuban Wall sees the cover and power walks into the ring. Referee Charles Robinson makes the count with the fans counting along.

1....

2...

3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

*DING DING DING* (10:26)

Cuban Wall enters the ring just one second later, and he stomps on Mr. Boricua's stomach instead of Tyler's head. Tyler and Shayne get the hell out of the ring as "First To Believe" by A1 starts playing.

COLE

They did it! D*LUX have pulled off the upset!

COACH

NO!

BUFFER

Here are your winners..D*LUUUUUXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!

Charles Robinson raises D*LUX's hands at the entryway. Tyler Bryant smiles despite having blood all over his face. He and Shayne are out of breath from the match they've just fought. Cuban Wall is PISSED OFF in the ring, kicking the ropes, screaming, and cursing. Mr. Boricua is still on the mat from the As Seen On 60 Minutes. The crowd is cheering loudly.

COLE

Well I'll tell ya, you could definitely call this an upset! Mr. Boricua and Cuban Wall came ready to fight, and they were the odds on favourite. But D*LUX also came to fight, and did they ever! They used everything but the kitchen sink to come out with the victory!

COACH

Well, I guess I shouldn't complain *too much*. I mean, after all, this WAS a Latino Thug Street Fight. Still, the fact that Shayne Brave needed to use a crutch to finally get Mr. Boricua down makes you wonder just how well they would have fared had this been a regular tag team match. I wish that option was in the voting!

COLE

You'll have enough time to complain about the voting after the show, but for now, let's take a look at some of the replays of this chaotic, brutal match.

The OAOAST New Year's Spectacular: Mainframe Monday logo flashes across the screen. We take a look at some replays of the match.

COACH

Okay, so there was just flat out ass kicking from beginning to end. D*LUX used a garbage can to their advantage, nailing Cuban Wall with it and then hitting him with a double dropkick. But Mr. Boricua would get revenge for his team, first by escaping the elbow drop by Shayne, and then by sending stupid Tyler Bryant through a table! They brawled some more, a fire extinguisher was used, and then, Mr. Boricua had Tyler Bryant up for a Latino Bomb, but Shayne used a crutch to stop it. This led to a tornado DDT by Tyler, the little weasel. Then a few seconds later, they hit their finishing move and 1-2-3, D*LUX wins, and as much as I don't like it, it happened because this was a Latino Thug Street Fight. I wish that option wasn't in the voting!

COLE

Nothing you can about it now, Coach. D*LUX has won. They have beaten Mr. Boricua and Cuban Wall and you can bet this puts them one step closer to getting another HI-YAH World Tag Team Title shot.

COACH

Oh God, I hope not. PRL and Popick won't give these guys a shot EVER!

COLE

But it's not up to PRL and Popick, it's up to the HI-YAH Championship Committee.

COACH

Okay then. HI....YAH....Championship.....Committee....do.....not....give....D.....LUX.....a

.....World.....Tag....Team....Title....shot.

COLE

Coach, they're Japanese, not stupid.

COACH

W--

COLE

Don't even say anything else Coach. Just don't! And hey, this match went past 5 minutes, so it looks like I've got $20 due to me!

COACH

Awwww.

Cuban Wall checks on Mr. Boricua and then goes back to sending death threats to D*LUX. "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant and "Showtime" Shayne Brave put their arms around each other's shoulders and walk back to the entrance, happy despite bleeding and weak as "First To Believe" continues playing. Cuban Wall mutters, "Son of a bitch!" through his teeth.

COLE

Well, D*LUX have come out on top at Mainframe Monday. And we've still got more to come! So stay with us!

D*LUX raise their hands in the air at the entrance. The crowd roars its approval. "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant and "Showtime" Shayne Brave then leave through the curtains. The proof that this Latino Thug Street Fight took place is all over the ring with broken and used weapons lying all over ringside. Referee Charles Robinson cleans things up a bit while Cuban Wall checks on Mr. Boricua, who is starting to get up, and paces around the ring IN ANGER~! yelling and screaming at D*LUX for beating him and Boricua. "First To Believe" by A1 continues playing as we fade out with the last image being a close-up of Cuban Wall muttering IN ANGER~! to himself.

FADE TO BLACK

EXCITING! EXHILIRATING! SOME OTHER WORD THAT STARTS WITH THE LETTER "E"! IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY ANGLESAULT THREAD LIVE!

January 4 - Tampa, Florida for HeldDOWN~!

January 11 - Melbourne, Australia for HeldDOWN~!

January 18 - Charleston, West Virginia for HeldDOWN~!

January 25 - Boston, Massachutsetts for HeldDOWN~!

January 28 - Providence, Rhode Island for Anglepalooza 2007!

February 1 - Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada for HeldDOWN~!

CATCH ALL THE EXCITMENT OF THE ONE AND ONLY ANGLESAULT THREAD LIVE!

Commercial break

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

"Oh No" is heard throughout the arena, and the fans react quickly to the music, jeering loudly the man the music belongs to, who is now on his way to the ring.

COLE

Here comes a man who is persona non grata in the OAOAST locker room. One third of The Wildcards, and now a man seemingly on a mission of his own to prove to the OAOAST fanbase what is "real" and what isn't.

COACH

Let's not forget he's the same guy who dropped Leon Rodez out of his head and sent him to a hospital bed. This playa ain't playin', Cole!

Todd Cortez hits the ring, unstrapping his bulletproof vest and removing his shades, looking all sorts of ready for what tonight should bring him. In order to find out, we cut from the ring over to Maria and "Mean" Gene Okerlund, ready to reveal the results of the vote, and thus the opponent for "Urban Legend" Todd Cortez tonight.

MEAN GENE

OK folks, it is now time to find out which one of The Hooligans you've voted for to do battle tonight, with Todd Cortez. After tabulating the votes, 41% of you have voted on JAAAAAAAAAMIE O'HAAAAAAAAARAAAAAAAAAAA~!

A quick cut backstage shows Static and Jax patting Jamie on the back and sending him on his way. O'Hara quickly takes a quick swig of his ever-present 40 oz. and then runs through the curtain, sprinting down to the ring sans theme music or anything, sliding under the bottom rope and looking right up at Cortez. O'Hara seems ready to go, and Cortez has been waiting on this moment since he first stepped in the ring. Now that the vote has been cast and O'Hara is set, the bell sounds, kicking off another contest here on Mainframe Monday!

DING! DING! DING!

Instantly, the two stars come at each other and tie up, but O'Hara quickly pulls away, yanking both of Todd's legs out from under him and then leaping onto him, attempting a pin within seconds of the contest getting underway!

ON-KICKOUT!

Todd pushes him off rather easily, but as he rises to his feet, Jamie snares a sleeperhold! Cortez quickly twists so that it's more of a headlock than a sleeper, and lifts O'Hara up over his shoulder...but Jamie floats through, and grabs the sleeper again! Once again, Todd twists out of it and pushes Jamie to the ropes, charging him during the rebound with a kitchen sink (the running kneelift, not the actual item!)...but Jamie hops over the knee and rolls Todd up with a schoolboy!

ONE!

NO!

Cortez kicks out of that, and gets up and charges O'Hara, who takes him to the mat with a drop toehold, then stands over Cortez and paintbrushes the back of his head, angering the Latino superstar with his taunts!

COLE

Jamie O'Hara usually comes out like a cannonball, flying around the ring within seconds, but tonight it looks like he's already gotten under Cortez's skin by utilizing a new game plan!

COACH

He's had his shoulders on the mat twice, AND he's treating Cortez like a joke...if there's anything that Todd Cortez hates, it's blatant disrespect.

COLE

Which is a bit hypocritical, don't you think?

COACH

Since when do you care what I think?

COLE

Since the company has refused to replace you on commentary.

COACH

Good poi...HEY!

Cortez gets up, and as Jamie makes a go for him, Todd shoves him away. Once he's up on his feet, Cortez fires off the CHOPPAGE~!, striking Jamie once, twice, thrice before taking him by the arm and sending him into the ropes. O'Hara bounces back and gets hiptossed over, but he lands on his feet and then tucks his arm under Todd's and launches him over with a hiptoss! Cortez scrambles to his feet, and Jamie leaps onto his shoulders, trying for a rana...but Cortez shoves him back over to his feet, then follows up with a hard lariat that turns the Birmingham Bad Boy inside out! Now it's Cortez's turn to taunt, as he gets down on all fours and crawls over to O'Hara, lifting his head up by the hair...and spitting in his face before dropping his head back to the canvas!

COLE

Now come on, is there any reason for that?!

O'Hara gets flustered easily, and this is no exception, as he scrambles to his feet and bolts towards Cortez! He takes him by the waist, but Todd quickly snares him in a front facelock, then hammers him across the back with his free hand. Cortez lifts him up and then crotches him on the top rope, but when he follows him up, O'Hara shoves him back down to earth! Todd gets up, but as he does Jamie leaps off the top rope and over his back, rolling him up with a sunset flip from the top!

ONE!

T-KICKOUT!

Both men roll to their feet, and Jamie avoids a charge, sending Cortez crashing into the corner. He stumbles back right into Jamie's grasp, but quickly counters with a rear waistlock of his own, and hurls Jamie up and over...but O'Hara lands on his feet, nailing Cortez with a spinning wheel kick as he turns around! With Cortez down, Jamie hits a senton from the standing position, then runs the ropes and hits a rolling senton, crashing down onto Cortez a second time!

ONE!

TW-KICKOUT!

COACH

Cortez is takin' a lot here in the early going, Mikey Cole. My man J is runnin' circles around him!

COLE

O'Hara has the speed factor, as well as the unpredictability of his moveset. Cortez's resilience is countering it thus far, and Jamie's going to have to keep from making any major mistakes if he wants to start 2007 off with a victory.

O'Hara now plays to the crowd for a moment, getting their approval for his offense, before he brings Cortez up to his feet. Forearm shots follow, but Cortez fights back with a hard forearm of his own, then grabs O'Hara and hits the INVERTED ATOMIC DROP~! O'Hara reels, and Cortez delivers a second one, then snatches him and tosses him overhead with a release Northern Lights Suplex! Jamie hits hard, and then rolls out under the bottom rope, reeling from the attack from the Urban Legend.

COLE

Jamie headed for higher ground to catch a breather, and...HOLD ON!

Cortez races across the ring and slides under the bottom rope with a baseball slide...but O'Hara sidesteps it and yanks his leg, pulling him right out of the ring and flapjacking him on the floor! Cortez is stunned as he comes up from the floor, while Jamie jumps back onto the apron and sprints across it, leaping up to the top rope and then floating backwards with a diving moonsault down onto his opponent!

COACH

YO~! Thatta way, J!

O'Hara pops back up and works the crowd, as they applaud his daredevil tactics. The chosen Hooligan pulls Todd up and rolls him back into the ring, then gets back up on the apron. O'Hara then propels himself into the air, springboarding off the top before coming down with a splash...but Cortez rolls under it, back out to the apron. Luckily, O'Hara manages to tuck and roll as he lands, rolling to his feet...but when he turns around he's met with a springboard dropkick from Cortez!

COLE

Excellent counter by Cortez there!

With Jamie down, Cortez drops a pair of knees across his forehead, then hits the ropes and connects with a third one. He covers, impatiently awaiting the referee's count.

ONE!

TW-NO!

O'Hara escapes, and is pulled up by Cortez, who follows up with a hard kneelift to the gut. Cortez lifts him up for a vertical suplex, but as he's lifted off his feet Jamie kicks his legs, shifting his weight back down to earth, and reversing the suplex! He lifts Cortez, but Todd falls free and uses a go-behind, running him towards the ropes...but Jamie hangs on when they make the ropes! Todd rolls back and gets to his feet, delivering a kick when O'Hara turns...but Jamie catches his foot, delivers a middle finger salute, and then swings him around, taking him by the head and rocking him with a jawbreaker! Jamie hits the ropes, but when he does Todd drops to his stomach, and Jamie steps over him, running to the opposite side, and ducks under a Cortez leapfrog...but pauses after that, waits on Cortez to turn around...and then snaps him over with a rana! Cortez scrambles to the corner, and O'Hara follows up with a cartwheel into a handspring back elbow, knocking Todd for a loop! Before Todd falls to the mat, Jamie pulls him up by his wrist, and shoots him across the ring into the opposite corner...HARD! Cortez stumbles forward, as Jamie races to the ropes...but somehow Cortez comes alive and catches him on the rebound, dropping him across his knee with a hard backbreaker before falling to the mat himself!

COLE

Cortez caught him, but he's got to be careful not to exhaust himself, especially against a speedball like Jamie O'Hara!

Jamie gets up, favoring his back, as Todd shakes the cobwebs loose. He takes Jamie's head and stuffs it down, placing him in a standing headscissors, and then hoists him off his feet, trying for a powerbomb...NO! O'Hara once again uses his speed and small stature to slip free, and starts nailing Cortez with forearm shots...but Todd scoops him up and delivers an inverted atomic drop once again, then hits another backbreaker before dumping him on the canvas! Growing weary, Cortez rolls out to the apron and then pulls himself up, launching himself back into the ring with a springboard kneedrop that connects...and he rolls through and springs up onto the middle rope, floating back over with a quebrada that sends him crashing atop his rival! A hook of the leg follows...but will a three count?

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

COLE

Jamie O'Hara kicks out again!

Cortez doesn't look happy, as he leads O'Hara to his feet and stuns him with a European uppercut, then pulls him back towards him before he staggers away. He leads Jamie by the head to the corner, slamming his head into the top turnbuckle. Cortez then turns Jamie around and sends him to the far side...but Jamie scales the turnbuckles and backflips over a charging Cortez, who crashes into the corner and then stumbles backwards...right into a Blue Thunder Bomb by Jamie O'Hara!

ONE!

TWO!

THR-NO! KICKOUT!

COACH

I'm glad I didn't put money on this one, Mikey Cole...you can't tell whose gonna win!

COLE

Both of these men are enduring enormous amounts of punishment, but still moving at full speed. That three count, whoever gets it, is not going to come easy!

Jamie pulls Todd towards the center of the ring, and then drops a leg across his throat, keeping him stunned. He then runs the ropes and somersaults towards his foe, popping up into the air and coming down with a second legdrop...but Cortez rolls out of the way! Both men pop up to their feet, and Cortez snatches him by the throat, lifting O'Hara up before driving him down with an URBAN ASSAULT~!

COLE

HE HIT IT! URBAN ASSAULT ON JAMIE O'HARA COULD SPELL THE END OF THIS CONTEST!

ONE!

TWO!

THRE-NO! KICKOUT!

COACH

DAMN!

COLE

Oh don't you start that too.

COACH

What?!

Cortez is flustered that it didn't get three, but pulls the scrawny Britain up and sets him in a standing headscissors again, possibly looking for the RIOT ACT PLUS~!...but out of desperation O'Hara backdrops Cortez over! O'Hara crawls, then pushes up to his feet, turning just in time to see Cortez up and charging...so he dropkicks his knee, knocking him facefirst to the canvas! Cortez sits up, resting on his knees, while O'Hara runs the ropes and delivers a second dropkick, this one to the back of the head! Cortez falls face first into the canvas again, and this time, when he's set on all fours, O'Hara hits the ropes again and delivers a third dropkick to Cortez's face, before rolling him onto his back.

ONE!

TWO!

TH-SHOULDER UP!

COLE

And now it's Cortez kicking out of another O'Hara attempt of a win!

COACH

These two HATE each other, Mikey Cole, so it's gonna damage pride one way or another.

COLE

Cortez didn't know who he was going to have to face until tonight, but like the man or not, he's been doing a damn good job holding his own against the unorthodox style of Jamie O'Hara tonight!

O'Hara pulls Cortez up, but Todd takes him over with a fireman's carry, slamming him to the canvas. A bootrake follows, and the crowd boos the tactic loudly, which only serves to fuel Cortez's onslaught. He pulls Jamie up and again lifts him for a powerbomb...but this time O'Hara slides down Todd's back, reaching back and pulling him over with a backslide!

ONE!

TW-NO!

Cortez floats all the way over, escaping the move, and tries for a roundhouse kick...but O'Hara ducks, then leaps up and snaps Todd over with an inverted huracanrana~! A loud pop follows from the crowd as O'Hara takes Todd and leads him to the corner, then lifts him up onto the top rope before climbing the turnbuckles himself.

COLE

Jamie stunned him with that inverted rana, and now Lord only knows what he's going for!

O'Hara rest Cortez on the top, then delivers two quick forearm shots to keep him dazed. He stands on the top rope, and holds Cortez by the head, then brings him up to his feet...but as he's being brought up Cortez takes Jamie by the waist and then launches the both of them off the top rope...

...and DRILLS O'Hara with a SUPER INVERTED ATOMIC DROP~!

COACH

I felt that, Cole! I felt it, and it HURT! BAD!

O'Hara kicks and squirms in pain on the canvas, his manhood aching as much as it ever has. He can barely get to his feet, but as he tries, Cortez quickly snatches him in the ready position, and then springs off of the canvas, over his back...and drills him for a second time, this time onto the crown of his head!

RIOT ACT PLUS~!

COLE

He connects! That same move that broke the neck of Leon Rodez has just laid out Jamie O'Hara!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

DING! DING! DING!

COACH

I'm still hurting, Mikey Cole!

COLE

It's all right Coach, it's over.

"Oh No" gets cued up for the victor, as Todd Cortez comes off the canvas with his hand raised. He quickly snatches his arm away from the referee and walks the ring, the sweat dripping off his forehead from this fast paced bout.

COLE

He claims that The Hooligans are nothing more than a corporately sponsored image, something created in a board room and not out of reality. Whether that claim is false or true is beside the point tonight, as Todd Cortez has just defeated one of the most popular athletes in the OAOAST with one of the most deadly manuevers in wrestling history.

Cortez hops out of the ring and heads up the aisleway, backing away from overzealous fans leaning over the railing, and disappearing behind the curtain, as we head to

a black screen. The following words appear on the screen in big white blocky letters:

THE LIGHTNING CREW NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

DECEMBER 31, 2006

Like the first two times The Lightning Crew appeared on this show, "No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Royds plays on a continous loop. "Eminem" and "Will Ferrell" are talking to Thomas Rodriguez and Stephen Joseph Popick, each man holding a drink in his hand. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez is talking to "Paris Hilton". Cuban Wall is talking to "Robert De Niro" on the sofa. Mr. Boricua is drinking all the beer in a beer keg. Vitamin X is also sitting on the sofa watching the TV. And so is Stacey Robertson, who has stopped watching TV and is now looking at her fingernails. "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican appears in the shot, a glass of champagne in his left hand. He is stumbling around the hotel room, getting more and more drunk by the second.

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN

Heyyyyyyyyyy, Stacey. What'cha doing? You know, Vitamin X brought you a gift for this occasion. Now I know, I know that Christmas has passed...but you weren't with us on Christmas, so X got you the gift on Friday. Soooooooo, I'm gonna reveal it to you now. POPICK!

STEPHEN JOSEPH POPICK

Yes?

PRL

Get X's gift for Stacey.

POPICK

Right away!

Popick goes to get Stacey's present. Vitamin X cozies up to Stacey, who is more cold and detached than ever before.

VITAMIN X

It's a really nice gift. Really nice. I just know you're going to like it. I just know it!

Stacey just nods her head, quite uncomfortable with all of this.

POPICK

Okay, here it is!

Stephen Joseph brings out a big white cardboard box. He sets it down on Vitamin X's lap.

POPICK

Have fun!

Vitamin X gives the gift to Stacey Robertson.

VX

Here you go, Stacey.

Stacey looks at VX, then at The Lightning Crew, then at The LC's "friends". She's hesitant for a second, wondering just what the hell is in that box. After several seconds of stalling, Stacey Robertson opens the top of the box. She digs inside, and pulls out...a tiara.

MS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ

Awwww. That's so sweet!

THOMAS RODRIGUEZ

Wow, that was really nice of you, X!

CUBAN WALL

Sweet gift, bro.

POPICK

I approve of it.

MR. BORICUA

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

VITAMIN X

I got this gift specifically for you. Since you're a princess, that means you should start dressing like a princess!

LINDSAY

AWWWWWWWWWW.

Stacey looks at the tiara with the same blank expression on her face that she's had the entire night. However, she looks right at Vitamin X and manages a half-smile.

STACEY ROBERTSON

Uhhhh...thanks...thank you.

VITAMIN X

Anything for you, my princess.

LINDSAY

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

PRL

PIPE DOWN, WOMAN! Nowwwwww, X, that was a really, REALLY groovy gift you gave Stacey. Personally, I wouldn't give her dilly squat. BUT, if I HAD to give her something--

POPICK

Hey P.R.--

PRL

SHUT UP! As I was saying, if I HAD to give her something....then I'd give her...oh...I don't know. Like a sock or something. One sock too. Not even a pair. But you obviously care about her, and her well being, so nice job with the gift, dude!

VX

Thanks, man.

Vitamin X high fives PRL.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

PUERTO

Ooh! The pizza guy is here! All right! Thomas, get the door! The pizza guy is here!

THOMAS

Yes, boss!

Thomas Rodriguez heads to the door. The camera stays on everyone else, who watch Thomas. After a few more seconds, Thomas comes back into the room with three large boxes of pizza!

THOMAS RODRIGUEZ

Who wants pizza?

POPICK

Ooh me!

CUBAN WALL

Me!

MR. BORICUA

YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!

VITAMIN X

Let me get some!

The Lightning Crew and their "guests" hover over Thomas Rodriguez, each one wanting some pizza. The camera focuses on Stacey Robertson sitting by herself on the leather sofa. She looks at the box, and at her tiara. Suddenly, Tha Puerto Rican pops into the shot.

THA PUERTO RICAN

Deal with THAT, Colombian HACK! HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!

PRL sneers at the camera. That's the last image we see as "No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Royds ends. Another black screen appears. The following words appear on screen in big white blocky letters:

TO BE CONTINUED...

* COMMERICAL BREAK *

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

Hey wrestling fans, hear the news?

The 3rd annual Anderson Cup is about to hit your tube

16 teams, 2 conferences,

But only one team will receive a title shot at AngleMania VI

Now listen up, a word to the wise

Be sure to catch all the action as it happens live

TSM is the place to be, starting January 4th you can catch all the happenings

So don't miss a minute, the action will be hot and heavy

With the finals taking place on Syndicated

February 23rd, 2007!

SCHIAVONE

The only New Year's wrestling program worth watching is back on the air. Specials thanks to Krazy Kurt for the Anderson Cup rap. Moments away from revealing the 2007 Anderson Cup bracket which is hot off the presses. Tony Schiavone and Jesse "The Body" Ventura happy to be with you on this New Year's night...

VENTURA

(scoffs)

Speak for yourself. I'd rather be home than here with you.

SCHIAVONE

Gee, thanks alot, Jess.

VENTURA

Hey, I tell it like it is. You know that. But am I pumped for the 3rd annual Anderson Cup. It was my pleasure to call last year's Anderson Cup, just as it's always your pleasure to work with the Body, Schiavone, and let me tell you, there isn't another sporting event anywhere in the world than compares to it. The Anderson Cup is bigger and wilder than March Madness and more unpredictable than the NFL playoffs. As the song goes -- 16 teams, 2 conferences, but only one team will receive a title shot at AngleMania VI. I can't wait!

SCHIAVONE

Luckily, the wait is over. Here now are the 2007 Anderson Cup brackets.

Cue: Trumpet Fanfare

BOOM~!

BOOM~!

LOS INFERNALES CONFERENCE

Heavenly Rockers (1) v. Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew (8)

Beverly Hills Blonds (4) v. Los Diablos De Feugo (5)

D*LUX (3) v. South Central Militia (6)

Team Canada (2) v. NRG (7)

MIRACLE WEIRDNESS CONNCECTION CONFERENCE

Sooner Bruisers (1) v. Rescue 911 (8)

Black T (4) v. Lone Star Gunslingers (Unranked)

CW and Moneymaker (3) v. Love Doctors (6)

America's Team (2) v. Hell's Hitmen (7)

SCHIAVONE

My goodness, Jesse! Get a load of that first round match-up.

VENTURA

Now wait a minute. That's gotta be a typo, Schiavone. One helluva typo if you ask me. The Beverly Hills Blonds vs. Los Diablos de Fuego? No way.

SCHIAVONE

I told you these were hot off the presses. Boy did that elaborate groin injury come back to bite the Blonds in the ass. After what they did to Los Diablos earlier in the night, I don't know if I'd want to face them 3 days from now. Imagine the mood they'll be in!

VENTURA

Huh. How they'll get out of this one I don't know. But that's a helluva line-up for this year's Cup. The two Tag Team World Cup finalists drawing the #2 seeds, while the Heavenly Rockers and Sooner Bruisers return as the depending conference champions after both lost in the tag title match.

SCHIAVONE

So our first two opening round matches will be the Beverly Hills Blonds vs. Los Diablos de Fuego and Hell's Hitmen vs. America's Team. This year's Anderson Cup is expected to be the best yet, so don't miss a minute of the action beginning this Thursday night on HeldDOWN~! But coming up next is a much anticipated match-up! Brock Ausstin, "The Current Big Thing", takes on Deon Black, "The Manitoba Mammoth"! Which match will they compete in? Let's go to "Mean" Gene Okuerland and Maria standing by with the voting results!

The graphic for Brock Ausstin vs "The Manitoba Mammoth" Deon Black comes on the big screen, causing a big pop from the crowd.

OKERLUND

Ok, Maria, our next matchup will feature two of the biggest men in the world! But what type of match will these two men compete in? Well folks, the results are in!

Okerlund points up to the big screen, as all the lights go out, and digital numbers spin around next to the options, much like at a gas station. When they stop, this is what appears:

A) Street fight: 44%

B) Steel Cage match: 48%

C) Table match: 8%

The crowd cheers.

MARIA

Next up, it's Brock Ausstin against Deon Black in a Steel Cage Match!

OKERLUND

Michael Cole, I can't believe it! That's it from up here right now, let's go back to you!

The cage lowers from the ceiling as lights bounce all around it.

COLE

So we're set for a STEEL CAGE match, Coach!

COACH

I don't think it'll be much of a match, Cole, Brock is out of his mind!

Speak to Me/Breathe by Pink Floyd hits, and smoke fills the entryway as Rick Heyross leads out Deon Black. The crowd showers them with boos as they make their way to the ring.

BUFFER

The following contest, as voted on by OAOAST fans, is a STEEL CAGE MATCH! The match will be won by that person who either escapes the cage, or scores a pinfall! Coming down the aisle, accompanied by his manager, Rick Heyross...he hails from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, and weighs in at 518 pounds...introducing "THE MANITOBA MAMMOTH" DEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLACK!!!!!

COLE

Deon Black, the Manitoba Mammoth, has yet to be defeated here in the OAOAST, but then again, he has yet to be tested like he will be here tonight!

COACH

He may be tested, but he'll pass this one with flying colors! Brock does not stand a chance!

Black checks out the cage, then gets in. Punishment by BIOHAZARD hits and Brock Ausstin makes his way out to a huge pop.

COLE

Well, we're about to find out! Here he comes!

BUFFER

His opponent...from Victoria, Minnesota, weighing in at 305 pounds...BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROCK AUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

Brock walks slowly down the aisle, looks the cage up and down, and then looks at Black as he walks into the door and into the ring. After a brief staredown, Black takes a big swing, which Brock ducks, and then starts delivering rights to Black as the referee calls for the bell!

*DING DING DING*

COLE

Here we go!

Brock lands right after right, but Black returns a big roundhouse, which sends Brock stumbling into a corner.

COACH

And look at that! The Mammoth absorbed all those rights and delivers a big one to take the advantage!

Black hammers Brock slowly in the corner, then whips him across the ring. He charges, but Brock moves out of the way! Brock delivers more right hands, then a couple knees to the gut. He then tries to whip him into the ropes, but Black blocks it, and picks up Brock in a bearhug. He then puts his hands down to Brock's midsection, and tosses him back-first into the cage!

COLE

What strength by the Mammoth, as Brock tastes the steel!

Brock writhes in pain on the mat, as Black drops a big elbow! Cover...

1...

2...

Shoulder up!

COLE

And Brock kicking out of that big elbow!

Black slowly back into the ropes once again, this time going for a splash, but Brock rolls out of the way! Brock immediately jumps on the back of Black and starts pounding on him, but Black is able to struggle to his feet with Brock on his back!

COACH

Look at this, Cole!

COLE

This is amazing!

Black gets his footing and goes to a corner, but Brock slides off and shoves him off into it. Brock then goes to the top rope.

COLE

And look at this! Brock pulling out all the stops against this monster!

COACH

I don't think I've ever seen him go to the top!

Brock comes off with a flying bodypress, but is caught!

COLE

And the big man catches him!

Black holds Brock for a second, then falls forward! Cover...

1...

2...

Shoulder up!

COLE

I...I just don't know what Brock is going to do with this guy!

COACH

I told you that all along, Cole! It's hopeless!

Black picks up Brock, and throws him head-first into the cage!

COLE

And Brock once again tasting the steel!

Black lifts Brock up in a PRESS SLAM~!, and tosses him down to the mat! Black does his Vader-esque taunts to the crowd, which responds with boos.

COLE

And everything going the big man's way right now!

Black slowly picks up Brock, and goozles him, planting him with a CHOKESLAM~! He then stands over Brock, and does some more taunting, before making his way to a corner.

COACH

What is he doing here?

COLE

Is he trying to climb out? Why not just use the door?

Brock slowly gathers his senses while Black climbs the cage, then follows him into the corner. Brock climbs to the top, then climbs to Black's level on the cage, and is able to grab his head and ram it into the steel!

COACH

Uh-oh!

He then does it again! And a third time!

COLE

Brock's got the big man going here!

Brock then steps back down to the top rope, and grabs Black under the leg with one arm around his waist, and the two men are showered with camera flashes as they go crashing to the mat!

COLE/COACH

CROWD

HO-LY SHIT!

COLE

Brock with his first big move, actually able to suplex the big man back into the ring!

Heyross runs over to Black's side of the cage, pulling a chain out of his pocket, and sticking it through to Black!

COACH

Look at this! As if he isn't dangerous enough, now he's got a weapon?

However, before he can grab it, Brock stomps his hand! Brock then sends Black into the side of the cage! Then back to the other side!

COLE

And Brock finally getting something going here!

Brock catches him again, and sends him to one side, and again to the other! Brock then runs past him to one side, gaining momentum, then running to the other side, and floors the big man with a flying clothesline! The crowd explodes!

COLE

Brock Ausstin on fire!

Brock then eyeballs the chain briefly, before picking it up and wrapping it around his hand!

COACH

And remember, this is legal!

Brock winds up, and hammers Black on the head with it! Then does it a second time! Then a third right in the mouth, sending him back into the ropes, and when he bounces back, Brock is ready...and LIFTS HIM ONTO HIS SHOULDERS!

COACH

You can't be serious!

COLE

I think he is! Unbelieveable!

Brock amazingly completes the F-STUNNER-5~!!!!!11111

COLE

HE GOT IT!

Cover...

1...

2...

...but right after the two, Black shoves Brock off clear across the ring!

COLE

And he kicked out!

COACH

With authority!

As Black gains his senses, Heyross rams the outside referee into the side of the cage, then retrieves his key! He unlocks the door and enters!

COLE

And now look at this, Rick Heyross right into the cage! Give me a break!

However, Brock is waiting on him, as Heyross immediately begs off. He tries to run, but no dice, as Brock grabs him from behind, then scoops him up on his shoulders! However, Black gets up and grabs the chain laying on the mat.

COACH

Look, he's already up!

Brock turns around, and is met with a chain to the forehead! He drops Heyross, who scurries out of the ring, then Black scoops him up onto his shoulders, and delivers the SWAN RIVER SLAM~! Cover...

1...

2...

3!!!

*DING DING DING*

COLE

And the Mammoth has won!

COACH

What did I tell you, Cole? Brock Ausstin had no chance! He was dominated by the Mammoth, admit it!

COLE

A dominant performance by the Manitoba Mammoth, Deon Black!

BUFFER

The winner of the match..."THE MANITOBA MAMMOTH" DEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLACK!!!!!

Black celebrates in the aisleway, as Brock slowly gets to his knees in the ring. The two have a brief staredown, then the Mammoth and Heyross depart. Brock exits the ring as the cage raises up.

COLE

Folks, a most impressive outing by Deon Black, I don't believe I've ever seen Brock Ausstin taken apart like that!

A dejected Brock walks through the curtains after slapping the hands of some fans.

Commercial break

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

Those in the arena tonight, whether still hungover from their ringing in of 2007 or not, are at a fever pitch...and that feeling throughout the crowd was never more apparent than when the opening seconds of "Save Yourself" are heard.

COLE

Listen to this crowd! We haven't seen him in an OAOAST arena since he was forced to shake the hand of Bruce Blank, but now, on the first day of 2007, Zack Malibu is HERE!

As the song continues, the fans stare at the entrance ramp, until finally, the heart and soul of the OAOAST steps through the curtain. Zack is met with a tremendous response as he heads to the ring, slapping a few hands along the way down the aisle.

COACH

Mikey Cole, you know Zack Malibu almost as well as anyone...you got any idea what he's gonna say or do tonight?

COLE

No idea, Coach. The only thing we know is that when Malibu promises to do something, it's typically something big.

Zack climbs the steps and into the ring, then waves for Michael Buffer to toss him the mic. Buffer throws it over the ropes, right into Malibu's waiting hands, and now it's just a matter of waiting for the crowd to die down.

"ZACK!"

COLE

Listen to the fans, Coach. If there was ever a man who defined the term "Crowd favorite", it's this man, right here!

MALIBU

First of all, I want to wish all of you, a Happy New Year. For many of you, it's time to start over, to do things the right way, or the way you feel they should be. It's a clean slate and a fresh start, at least for most of us.

The fans applaud Zack's well wishes, but can tell he's got more on his mind.

MALIBU

I say that it's that way for most of us, because it's not that way for me. I mean, I'm starting the year with a great girl, and a beautiful baby daughter, as well as the respect and love of you fans, and I'm grateful for all of that. I'm also starting the year the same way I ended 2006...with a heart full of rage, on a quest for redemption, and it all leads back to one man, and one man only. Bruce Blank.

COLE

The most hated man in the OAOAST, and likely in the wrestling world.

COACH

Nevermind the wrestling world...how about the world in general!?

MALIBU

Bruce, 2006 was YOUR year. You came into this company and made yourself into the biggest star in the industry, all at my expense. You did things to me that no one has ever succeeded in doing. You have broken me, beaten me, humbled me and humiliated me. 2006 was your year. I'll call a spade a spade and admit that. But NOW, that was last year, you see, and this year we are going to start things RIGHT! Because Bruce Blank, I come out here tonight asking you for one more shot, one more try, ONE MORE MATCH! ME AND YOU BRUCE, LET'S DO IT!

The fans roar, wanting to see Malibu vanquish his most hated foe once and for all. Malibu waits on a response, and it's just a matter of minutes before Bruce comes strolling through the curtain and down to the ring.

COLE

This is one rivalry that cannot be contained, and has no end in sight!

COACH

Malibu's looking to end it, but everytime we think he can, he comes up short. Bruce Blank is the toughest bastard that Malibu has ever had to deal with!

Bruce climbs up into the ring, and now the two men who hate each other oh so much are eye to eye.

BLANK

You want one more shot at me, boy?

Malibu nods his head, and the fans pick up on the request.

"ONE MORE MATCH!"

BLANK

You people wanna see it too, huh? You want to see the biggest feud of 2006 again in 2007?

The fans roar, continuing the "One More Match" chant.

BLANK

WELL YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET IT!

Now the fans boo loudly, and Malibu looks into Blank's eyes, waiting for his reasoning.

BLANK

You see, Zachary, you just said it yourself a few minutes ago. 2007 is the time to start over. A clean slate and a fresh start. I am DONE with you, boy! I had my fun. I beat your ass at Angleslam. I beat your ass on national television and made you shake my hand out of respect! I bloodied you at every damn turn, I had one of my boys put your best friend in the hospital, and I walked right into your house and up to your two closest, dearest loved ones and scare the ever-lovin' God out of them! So you tell me, Zack, what do I have to gain by letting you come at me again? I have proven myself superior. I have humbled you, boy. You got nothin' left. Start 2007 off right. Start it off with somethin' you know you can handle. Maybe then, you'll regain some of the lost respect from this crowd, because you and I both know you ain't been the same since it became apparent that you're not a superhero anymore. You can't always get the big win, my friend. Sometimes you have to deal with the fact that the villain is the greater of the two! You have to come to terms, Zack...and I know it's gonna be hard on ya...but you have to come to terms with the fact that I am BETTER than you.

Blank stuffs the microphone into Zack's chest and turns to walk away, but Zack spins him around.

MALIBU

I can admit that I can't seem to get a win over you, Blank. I can admit that you have beaten me worse than anyone that came before you. But I will never admit that you're a better man than me, and I'll never admit that I respect you, because I don't. What you did not only to me, but to my family and my friends, it burns in my heart. It fills my head. It keeps me from sleeping at night, and I can't get past you. YOU did this to me, and now you want to walk away? You ask what I have to give, to offer you, to make it worth your while. Well then you listen to me, you son of a bitch. 2007 is going to be a clean slate, and a fresh start. For the OAOAST, it's going to be a fresh start without one of us. How does that sound?

The fans sit back in silence.

COLE

What did he just say!?

A smile starts to creep across Blank's face.

BLANK

What are you gettin' at, boy?

MALIBU

I think you know. I think you all know. I want one more shot at you, Blank. I want total redemption for everything you've put me through. I am willing to do the unthinkable to get you in the ring one last time, Bruce. Zack Malibu and Bruce Blank, one final time...and if you beat me, Bruce...if you prove that you truly are the better man and beat me again...I will leave the OAOAST FOREVER.

COLE

WHAT!? NO! Zack, don't do it!

BLANK

Forever?

MALIBU

Forever. No retirement from in-ring competition just to go sit in the office. I mean totally and completely, Bruce. As a wrestler, as a referee, as an executive, as a road agent...I will go so far as to never attend an event as a paying customer, if you will give me what I want, Bruce. I know full well I'm at your mercy, but I know what you're thinking. You're too proud not to take this offer. You want me gone, Bruce. You want me out of your life as much as I want you out of mine. SO LET'S MAKE IT ALL OR NOTHING~! Career versus career, Malibu versus Blank...

BLANK

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

The fans roar, and Malibu looks at Blank like he's not backing down.

BLANK

Boy, you're certifiably crazy, because you just signed your damn death warrant.

MALIBU

I told you, Blank, I'd do whatever it takes to rid you from my life, and if this is what it comes down to, so be it. You did cut me off in mid-sentence though, because there was one more thing I was going to say.

BLANK

Oh yeah, what's that, hero? The only thing you better be sayin' is goodbye, because you're not long for this world.

MALIBU

Actually, that's not what I was going to say. Because I feel that a match of this magnitude, should be dealt with strictly between you and I, don't you? No Wildcards, No Hooligans, no nobody getting in our way.

BLANK

I don't need nobody gettin' in my way this time. I'm gonna enjoy the sweetness of this all on my own.

MALIBU

I'm glad you feel that way, Bruce, because we're doing this without worrying about any of that. We're doing this with nothing to come between us, just four walls of metal around us...a metal ceiling above us, and no way for anyone to get inside or out.

COACH

Mikey Cole, does he mean...

COLE

I think so, Coach.

BLANK

You want a cage match? Boy, you know what happens to you when you're in a cage with me!

MALIBU

It's not just a cage match, Bruce. It's more than win or lose, do or die. For you and me, it's SURVIVE OR SURRENDER~!

The fans EXPLODE~! We've only seen one of them before, back when Zack Malibu lost the OAOAST World Heavyweight Title to Crystal at Angleslam 2004!

BLANK

Survive or Surrender, eh Zacky? Boy, you're stupider than I thought.

MALIBU

I might be desperate, Bruce, but I'm hardly stupid. I'm willing to get rid of you at any cost.

BLANK

The only thing this stunt is gonna cost you, is your entire reason for being.

Blank again shoves the mic back to Zack, then turns to walk away, leaving Malibu alone in the ring to ponder his thoughts.

COLE

What a blockbuster announcement...Zack Malibu has just put his career in the OAOAST, his life in wrestling, in Bruce Blank's hands!

COACH

Desperate times call for desperate measures, Cole.

COLE

Zack hasn't won a match against Bruce yet, and in the only Survive Or Surrender match in OAOAST history, he came out on the losing end of that as well! What is going through the mind of Zack Malibu?

COACH

You wanna try reasoning with him? He ain't gonna listen to me!

Just as the fans are done getting over the shocking announcement they've just heard, the camera fades into a black screen. The following words appear on screen in big white blocky letters:

THE LIGHTNING CREW NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

DECEMBER 31, 2006

Yes folks, for the FOURTH time tonight, we return to The Lightning Crew's New Year's Eve party. And like always, "No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Royds is playing on a loop. The camera cuts to a clock that has the time as 11:56 p.m. The camera pans the lavish hotel room. Pizza boxes are scattered about, as are beer cans. Two bottles of champagne lie on the table next to the leather sofa. Stephen Joseph Popick is quite obviously drunk, stumbling around the room with a lamp shade on his head and a glass of champagne in his right hand. Popick makes goofy noises while Thomas Rodriguez watches and shakes his head. Mr. Boricua is drinking from yet another beer keg, despite there already being two other beer kegs in the room. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez is talking to "Eminem" and "Paris Hilton" holding a glass of champagne in her right hand. "Will Ferrell" and "Robert De Niro" are talking to each other next to the window. Cuban Wall sits on the leather sofa watching Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve while Vitamin X and "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican (also drunk himself) talk to Stacey Robertson. PRL holds up a contract while talking to Stacey, who looks pretty uncomfortable right about now.

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN (Slurring)

I'm telling ya, I'm telling ya Stacey. You're missing out...missing out on the oppotun--oppotun--the chance of a lifetime! Why waste the rest of your life hanging out with that HACK....when you could join up with the best and brightest and join The Lightning Crew?

VITAMIN X

Yeah, Stacey. The Lightning Crew is going places in 2007! With Tha Puerto Rican leading us, there's no telling what we can do!

CUBAN WALL

Stacey, Puerto watches out for us. With Tha Puerto Rican on our side, we've got health insurance, dental insurance, movies, TV deals. I mean, I'm no actor. In fact, I'm probably the worst actor in the history of Hollywood whose name isn't Rob Scheinder. I've got no acting ability, but I've got movie deals up the ying-yang! I've got four movies I'm going to film next year! I would have never gotten this far if it wasn't for The Lightning Crew, and if it wasn't for PRL! So, think about what PRL is offering you right here. Think about it.

PRL

Yeah. *Burp!* Think about it. Here, take this.

PR hands Stacey Robertson the contract.

PRL

This is a contract to join The Lightning Crew. Read it over, and let us know...let us know your response. Yeah, I know that you have to go back to Colombian Heat tomorrow, but still, think about it. Because you can either be consumed by the fire, or be part of the power.

Stacey looks at the contract. She holds the contract with her right hand and her tiara with her left. Even though she's been miserable with The Lightning Crew since Thursday, the fact that she actually reads the contract must surely be a sign that something's up.

MS. LINDSAY GONZALEZ

You guys, the countdown's about to start! The New Year is almost here!

PRL

Alllllllllllright!

PRL gets off the sofa. Vitamin X brushes Stacey's hair, taking a second to smell it, and then goes back to brushing it. X turns her head over to him.

VITAMIN X

Think about it, won't you?

He too gets off the sofa. Stacey continues reading over the contract. Thomas Rodriguez props himself onto the sofa next to Cuban Wall. He's wearing one of those goofy Happy New Year hats and blowing a noisemaker. After blowing it for a full minute, Cuban Wall can't take it anymore and pulls it away from Thomas and breaks it!

CUBAN WALL

Enough!

Wall throws the broken noisemaker on the ground. He goes back to watching TV. Thomas looks at Cuban Wall like a sad puppy, and then watches TV himself, arms folded, with a sourpuss look on his face. Stacey watches all of this.

THOMAS RODRIGUEZ

Meanie.

The camera pans over to PRL (also wearing a stupid Happy New Year hat in blue), Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez, Mr. Boricua, Stephen Joseph Popick, Vitamin X, "Eminem", "Paris Hilton", "Robert De Niro", and "Will Ferrell" all standing up watching the ball drop in Times Square. Confetti is thrown and horns are blown as the countdown continues. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez and PRL lead the countdown as it gets to the final seconds.

EVERYONE

10!

9!

8!

7!

6!

5!

4!

3!

2!

1!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Everbody except Cuban Wall and Stacey Robertson celebrates. "Auld Lyne Sang" is sung by mostly everybody despite nobody knowing all the words. PRL and Lindsay kiss. Vitamin X and Thomas Rodriguez pop two champagne bottles and pour some in everyone's cups. Mr. Boricua and Stephen Joseph Popick (who has taken off the lamp shade on his head) have their arms around each other's shoulders and glasses of champagne in their hands as they sing "Auld Lyne Sang" quite loudly. Actually, "singing" wouldn't be the right word for it. More like "yelling incoherently to the tune of 'Auld Lyne Sang'" would be much better.

POPICK

I LOVE YOU ALL! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Lindsay throws up confetti in the air. PRL blows a horn. Lindsay then walks over and turns on the stereo to a salsa and merengue radio station. PRL and Thomas Rodriguez start (badly) dancing. Popick does the Funky Chicken.

PRL

All right! Now we've got a party up in here! YEAH-UH~!

MR. BORICUA

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

The Lightning Crew's "celebrity" guests chat it up with The Lightning Crew. Vitamin X interrupts PRL's "dancing".

VITAMIN X

P.R., can I ask you something?

PUERTO RICAN

Ummm...yeah, X. What's up?

Vitamin X puts his left arm around PRL's shoulders and walks with him a few steps away from the festivities, but quite close to the camera. VX speaks in a low voice to P.R.L.

VX

Uh...PR...I would like to....uh....go with Stacey to someplace...alone. Just the two of us. I want to...get to know her better.

PRL

Ahhhh. I know what you mean. You dirty dog, you! Here, take this.

PRL reaches into his left pants pocket...and pulls out a condom. He hands the condom over to X.

PRL

You gotta be safe, you know what I mean?

VX

Yeah, I know it. Thanks, man.

VX puts the condom in his right pants pocket. He nods his head. PR does the same. VX walks over to Stacey.

VITAMIN X

Say Stacey, can we go somewhere for a minute?

STACEY ROBERTSON

Uhhh...

PRL

Come on Stacey! Do it for The X-Man!

STACEY

Uhhh...okay....okay.

Vitamin X grabs Stacey by her left hand and takes her off of the sofa. He takes her by the hand out of the hotel room, stopping to give PRL a thumbs up as he walks away. PRL gives X a wink and a thumbs up as he leaves. Stacey has taken her tiara and contract with her.

PRL

Have fun, you two! Stay safe! *Sigh* I love those kids.

Vitamin X and Stacey Robertson have left the hotel room. PRL goes back to drinking his glass of champagne. The Lightning Crew, Stephen Joseph Popick, and their "guests" continue dancing, drinking, and gabbing about as the stereo blasts salsa and merengue.

PRL

I love this party!

PRL drinks some more champagne. He goes back to the sofa where Cuban Wall, Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez and Stephen Joseph Popick are at. PR and Popick's HI-YAH World Tag Team Championship belts rest on the top of the sofa. They are all having a good time when--

"STACEY? STACEY!? STACEY!"

COLOMBIAN HEAT is heard outside the hotel room. Colombian Heat bursts in through the door, angry and looking for Stacey Robertson.

COLOMBIAN HEAT

Stacey! STACEY!!! STACEY!!! WHERE ARE YOU!? YO, STACEY!!! STACEY!!! WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!?!? STACEY!!!

The party has come to a stop. Everyone watches Colombian Heat search for his girlfriend. The music has been turned off, but "No Chance In Hell" continues playing.

HEAT

STACEY! STACE--STACEY!

Colombian Heat can't find her anywhere. He then spots PRL sitting on the sofa. Furious, Heat rushes up to him!

HEAT

WHERE IS SHE!? WHERE IS SHE YOUSE SON OF A BI-ATCH~!?

Colombian Heat grabs PRL by his vest and starts shaking him! Cuban Wall, Mr. Boricua, and Stephen Joseph Popick come in and break it up. They pull Heat away from PRL, who just dusts his vest off. Colombian Heat tries to break free, but can't.

HEAT

LET GO OF ME! LET GO OF ME! LET GO!

Boricua, Wall, and Popick pull Colombian Heat a few feet away from Tha Puerto Rican. PR's "guests", Thomas Rodriguez, and Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez just stand there and watch all of this.

PRL

Let him stay. Let him stay.

Mr. Boricua, Cuban Wall, and Stephen Joseph hold Colombian Heat where he is so that PRL can talk to him.

COLOMBIAN HEAT

WHERE IS SHE? I'M NOT KIDDING, DAWG! WHERE IS SHE?

PRL

Relax, Heat. Relax. Stacey's safe and sound.

HEAT

GIVE HER BACK TO ME! IT'S NEW YEAR'S DAY NOW! SHE'S GOTTA GO HOME NOW!

PRL

You'll get her back tomorrow morning! But for now, Stacey's gone. She's left the hotel and is with Vitamin X, and for all I know they'll probably end up in a motel somewhere in this city doing who knows what.

This comment only serves to infuriate Colombian Heat more.

HEAT

YOU BASTARD! GIVE HER BACK TO ME! SHE'S MAH GIRL! I WANT HER BACK!

PRL

Heat, you'll get her back tomorrow! Relax. Calm down. Don't worry, Vitamin X uses protection.

HEAT

YOUSE SON OF A BITCH!

PRL laughs manically. Colombian Heat tries to fight free. PRL just tells his men to let Heat go. Heat just stands there and looks at PRL straight in the eye.

COLOMBIAN HEAT

I's want a match! A match against you!

PRL

Against me? You're sure about that, Heat?

COLOMBIAN HEAT

Yeah, son! I want to beat your bitch ass all over tha ring!

PRL

You wanna fight me? You really want to fight me? Okay Heat, tell you what I'm gonna do. This Thursday on HeldDOWN~!, we'll have a match. A No Disqualifcation Match! And if I win, then Stacey Robertson becomes PROPERTY of The Lightning Crew!

HEAT

What? Yo, that iz crazy! What'cha thinking!? Stacey ain't no piece of meat!

CUBAN WALL

You rapper guys treat girls like pieces of meat all the time!

PRL

Wall, this is not the time for one of your anti-rap comments. (Turns back to Heat) Listen...listen, here is why you'll want to accept this match. BECAUSE, IF you win...then Vitamin X must stay 500 FEET away from Stacey Robertson at all times!

COLOMBIAN HEAT

500 feet?

PRL

At all times.

COLOMBIAN HEAT

You mean like a restraining order or somethin'?

PRL

Yeah, pretty much.

Colombian Heat thinks this over. He takes a deep breath, puts his hands on his face, and then turns back around.

COLOMBIAN HEAT

Okay. I's accept.

PRL

Good. Good. See you Thursday, Heat!

HEAT

Better watch out, Puerto! Cuz this Thursday night, yo' ass iz mine, bitch!

PRL

And I'll see to it that no ass is yours this Thursday, Heat! Ta-ta for now!

COLOMBIAN HEAT

Get away from me! Bitch.

Heat bumps his right shoulder against Popick's right shoulder as he walks out. Heat mutters to himself as he walks out of the lavish hotel room. The camera turns back to Tha Puerto Rican.

THA PUERTO RICAN

Well what is everyone staring at!? We've still got a party to continue! Come on everybody! Let's get CRUNK~!

POPICK

GET YO' FREAK ON, EVERRYBODY! NOW EVERRYBODY IN THE ROOM GET TIPSY~!

Lindsay Gonzalez turns the stereo back on, this time to a hip-hop/R&B radio station. Everyone goes back to partying. PRL drinks from his glass of champagne. Popick badly dances. Cuban Wall goes back to watching TV, changing the channel to MTV's New Year's Eve celebration. Mr. Boricua drinks from ANOTHER beer keg. Thomas Rodriguez pours himself another glass of champagne. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez talks to "Paris Hilton", "Eminem", "Will Ferrell", and "Robert De Niro" (who moves away from his black dot for one second, revealing that it's a young man with black hair who looks nothing at all like the famous actor). The camera zooms in on "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican having another drink, a cocky smirk on his face. This is the last image we see because the camera cuts to another black screen. The following words appear on screen in big white blocky letters as "No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Royds ends:

HAPPY NEW YEAR

FROM ALL OF US HERE IN

THE LIGHTNING CREW!

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN (Voiceover)

THE CHAMP HAS SPO-KUN~!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Commercial break

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

SUNDAY NIGHT

JANUARY 28, 2007

"THE ROAD TO ANGLEMANIA BEGINS..."

LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW!

COLE

Anglepalooza is only four weeks away! The event that kicks off our Road To AngleMania VI, which itself is 90 days away! And this AngleMania looks to be the best ever, emulating LIVE from the Toronto Skydome in Toronto, Onatrio, Canada in front of 60,000+ fans. Boy, I can't wait!

COACH

I can't wait either. Can't wait for the main event to start, that is! Go Drek! W00t~!

COLE

Well folks, we're supposed to be getting to the Main Event at this point, but amazingly enough, it seems Drek Stone still hasn't arrived at the arena tonight!

COACH

It's the traffic, Michael. It must be going up all the way towards Sasketchewan.

COLE

Did you even spell that correctly?

COACH

No idea!

COLE

Coach, Drek shouldn't even BE this late in the first place! He's the Heavyweight Champion! He's the top representative of this company! Do you realize just how disrespectful his actions have been the last few weeks? I mean, my God, we have a Pay-Per-View tonight, and he can't even be bothered to show up on time!

COACH

Whoa, whoa, slow down Cole. Drek Stone said he was coming tonight and you can be rest assured he'll be here.

COLE

Coach, time is up! This is it! We're at the Main Event! There literally is no more time to waste! Besides my world renowned ping pong ball act, we have nothing else to do tonight.

COACH

So we end forty minutes early. Not like doing that has ever left the fans feeling outraged before!

COLE

I just don't...

Before Michael Cole can finish his statement, the camera immediately cuts to the parking lot to see a flashy white limousine slowly pulling into the parking lot of the Ocean Center. However, instead of stopping, the sparkling limo continues driving past the designated parking area and towards ringside!

COACH

Here we go, Cole! Arriving in style and fashionably late!

COLE

Where's he'is he planning on driving out here?!

The stagehands, who clearly did not know of this stunt beforehand, scramble to clear the area as the beautiful automobile surfaces through the curtains and slowly makes its way towards the ring, rolling down the red-carpeted aisleway. The car stops halfway and, as soon as it does, Drek Stone steps out of the limo with a beaming smile and the Heavyweight Title already adorned around his waist. Already dressed in his ring gear, Drek raises his arms out to the crowd expecting to hear a hero's welcome, but is unsurprisingly jeered instead.

COACH

AND he's already dressed to compete. I think you owe the man an apology.

COLE

It doesn't matter. I asked the question on Thursday and I'll ask it again tonight. Has Drek Stone really prepared for this match tonight? It doesn't seem like he's taking it seriously and, my God, if he doesn't, he could be in serious trouble here at Mainframe Monday!

Once Drek Stone steps into the ring, he proudly slaps his chest, setting off a parade of red, white, and green fireworks blasting from the four corners of the ring. Looking completely relaxed and pleased with himself, Drek sits himself on the top turnbuckle with a grin and stares up at the Angletron, waiting to hear about his upcoming opponent. Sure enough, Gene Okerlund then appears on screen, looking exactly the same as he did in 1986. It's amazing. The man simply does not age.

OKERLUND

Up next, ladies and gentlemen, we're coming to the Main Event! Drek Stone is making his in-ring return after a brief hiatus and he will be defending the Heavyweight Title against one of three men! Who will it be? The blast from the past with CWM? The resident legend of the OAOAST in Tony Brannigan? Or the man voted Rookie of the Year in the 2006 Angle Awards and the one man considered to be the future of the OAOAST with Landon Maddix? Well, let's look at the results!

For the last time tonight, Gene Okerlund points to the screen above him and watches the neon lights flicker to reveal the results. But the votes come nearly as much a surprise to him as they do to everybody else.

A) THE PAST: CWM --- 16%

B) THE PRESENT: TONY BRANNIGAN --- 42%

C) THE FUTURE: LANDON MADDIX --- 42%

COLE

Uh...

COACH

...wait, you have to be kidding me.

COLE

A tie?!

With his eyes slowly widening at the news, Drek slowly shakes his head back and forth, almost not believing the results in front of him. His cheeks turn a darker shade of red as the grin on his face begins to transform into a scowl.

COLE

Folks, these numbers are not touched! They're not changed in the slightest! These are the results we were given...and it appears Tony Brannigan and Landon Maddix ended up in a statistical tie! I've never seen anything like this before.

COACH

Well, Michael, what does this mean? Since neither man won, I guess Drek keeps the title by default, correct?

COLE

...I don't think that's the case.

As Drek continues to confusingly stare at the Angletron, taking a moment to glare at the crowd who are delighting in his misery, the referee stands listening to his earpiece. After a moment, he strides over to the ring announcer and whispers into his ear. The announcer's eyes widen for a second, but he then nods and picks up his microphone.

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, it appears the results have ended in a statistical dead heat. With both Tony Brannigan and Landon Maddix garnering 42% of the vote each, they are tied in the vote for a Heavyweight Title matchup tonight. But President Bill Watts has made his decision. Because of the strange conditions tonight, Drek Stone will not be defending the title in a one-on-one situation tonight.

Drek takes a comforted breath.

BUFFER

Rather, he will be DEFENDING his Heavyweight Title against Tony Brannigan and Landon Maddix in a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH!

“YEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Drek Stone furiously pounds his arms against the top turnbuckle and angrily spins his head to find Michael Buffer. But, by this point, the announcer has smartly jumped out of the ring to avoid the champion's tantrum. Seething wrathfully, Drek unclasps the title from around his waist and throws it at the nearby referee. Yet, just as he does so---

“He's Simply Ravishing...OW!”

“YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

COLE

Here we go!

The Daytona crowd goes BALLISTIC as Tony Brannigan barges out through the curtains and begins stomping his way down the aisleway. Drek Stone, who suddenly finds terror surging through his veins, turns to Tony and nervously raises his arms up, almost as if he's surrendering to the big man in an attempt to calm him down. T-Bod immediately slides into the ring but, before the bell can ring, Tony Brannigan charges forward and levels Drek Stone with a powerful haymaker.

COLE

OH MY! One shot and Drek Stone goes down!

COACH

COME ON! Tony Brannigan isn't even waiting for Landon Maddix! STOP THIS!

Drek pops up but Tony hits him with another massive haymaker. The sheer force of the punch snaps Drek's head back, giving Tony the chance to hit him with another huge fist! The crowd roars as T-Bod gets him with another one! The might of Tony's fifth punch sends Drek sprawling nearly halfway across the ring. Helplessly propelling himself off the ropes, Drek bounces back towards his opponent and gets a sixth haymaker sending him flying into the corner! At that moment---

“REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH”

“Personal Jesus” by Marilyn Manson blasts over the loudspeakers as Landon “La Cucaracha” Maddix and his lovely valet Megan Skye step through the curtains looking seemingly more excited than they ever have before. The crowd immediately boos the duo's arrival, but these two are way too consumed with thoughts of the Heavyweight Title to even care.

COLE

Landon Maddix has to be thrilled! It seems his begging two weeks ago actually paid off!

COACH

Cole, Drek Stone is being beaten pillar to post and it's like you don't even care! DON'T YOU CARE?!

Once Landon and Megan step near the ringside area, they quickly stop. Yet, instead of getting into the ring, Maddix simply stands outside and watches as Tony Brannigan irately releases all his frustrations on the Heavyweight Champion. The man is way too smart to interject himself into the match too early.

COACH

Ugh, some clever strategy from Landon Maddix, I have to admit.

COLE

Coach, it's clear after all this time, that Tony Brannigan has not forgotten anything Drek Stone has done to him in the past ten months!

COACH

Even worse than that, I think he heard what Drek said about him on Thursday night. This match has now turned into a path to redemption for Tony Brannigan!

As Landon Maddix stares anxiously from outside of the ring, not wanting to get involved in this melee at the slightest, Drek pitifully tries to swing back to stop the onslaught. Tony, not in the mood to humor the Heavyweight Champion, merely swats his hands away and blasts him with a nasty forearm across the jaw! The intense velocity sends Drek flying up several feet in the air before falling and crashing his head against the bottom turnbuckle! The Daytona crowd only screams louder as Tony starts laying in a vicious series of stomps against the Italian Stallion's head, going so far as to even choke him with the side of his boot. The referee, completely aware that the bell has not rang yet, screams at Tony Brannigan to release the suffocating hold. Once Tony takes his foot off Drek's neck, Stone quickly slides underneath the bottom rope and stumbles to the arena floor.

COACH

Drek just needs to regain his composure, that's all.

COLE

It's obvious that he didn't expect Tony to come out here THIS fired up tonight. Drek Stone is being completely manhandled!

Taking a deep breath, Drek tries walking away briskly but, of course, Tony has already followed after him. With rage now coarsing through his veins, Tony grabs a solid handful of Drek's hair and CHARGES forward---THROWING HIM OVER THE ANNOUNCING TABLE AND DIRECTLY INTO MICHAEL COLE AND THE COACH!

COACH

OH SH---

COLE

OH NO, MY SEWING KIT!

The two announcers fall over their chairs and to the floor as Drek hopelessly lays underneath the announcing table. But, yet again, Tony is there and waiting. With Drek unable to cover up, Tony sits on the champion's chest and begins pummeling him with hard right hands across his forehead. Cole and Coach scramble to put their headphones back on as T-Bod continues the punishment.

COLE

I---I---.folks, can you hear me? My God, this has gotten completely out of hand!

COACH

How hasn't security or something gotten involved at this point?! Drek needs a chance to breathe!

COLE

I want to see WHAT security guard would be brave enough to interject himself into a situation like this!

COACH

Carl Winslow would.

COLE

Besides him.

As the official once again screams for Tony Brannigan to cease fighting or risk losing his title shot tonight, the camera catches a glimpse of the now busted-open Heavyweight Champion. With a gash across his right eyebrow, blood has already began trickling across Drek's right eye and down the side of his nose. Gasping for deep breaths at this point, he's prone for more harsh punches from the challenger. Once the crimson mask oozes to the bottom of Drek's cheek, Tony grabs the Italian Stallion by his neck and struggles to put him back up to his feet. Once Drek does so, Tony steps back and levels him with ANOTHER haymaker, sending the champion back over the table and closer to the ring! Meanwhile, Maddix has taken a seat on the ramp, choosing to relax instead of getting involved so quickly. With a bucket of popcorn he swiped from a nearby fan that could do without the transfat, and the lovely Megan Skye sitting on his lap, he sits there with a smile on his face eagerly crunching as he watches the action in front of him. With the camera on Landon, one fan makes it a point to loudly boo the unbeloved superstar. Maddix flicks a piece of popcorn at the spectator and breaks out into an obnoxious laugh as the kernel hilariously bounces off the jeerer's head.

COLE

I have to admit I cannot fault Landon Maddix for not getting involved with this one yet. If Tony Brannigan can completely take Drek Stone out of this match early on, Landon finds himself with only one obstacle left on his way to the championship.

COACH

Cole, have we even talked about how unjust this match is yet? The deal was that Drek Stone only had to face ONE opponent tonight...not two!

COLE

Well, that's how the voting ended up. The fans were split in a dead heat over Landon Maddix and Tony Brannigan!

COACH

Well, have Landon and Tony settle it with a game of ring toss or something! I don't know, they could play Guess Who or Don't Wake Daddy to decide who faces Drek one-on-one. But it is NOT fair for Drek Stone tonight to face both these guys. That wasn't the deal! And Michael, it's clear the shock has affected Drek's head in a major way!

As Drek tries crawling away slowly, Tony scoops the Heavyweight Champion back up to his feet once more and rolls him underneath the bottom rope. Pursuing his opponent, possibly to end this thing here and now, Tony climbs onto the ring apron and steps through the ropes. As Drek lays lifelessly on the mat, Tony goes stomping towards his arch-rival...but Landon Maddix suddenly jumps off the top rope and takes Tony Brannigan off his feet with a beautiful missile dropkick!

COACH

He played it smart, Cole!

With Tony down, and all three men now in the ring, the bell rings---

DING DING DING

---see? And Landon scrambles over to cover the incapacitated Heavyweight Champion!

ONNNNEEEEEEEEEEE~!

TWWWWOOOOOOOO~!

SHOULDER UP! Although blood is still trickling from the right side of his face, Drek manages to emphatically escape the pin. Wanting to make his impact here and now, Landon grabs Drek by his arm and quickly forces him back up to his feet. He forcefully whips him into the ropes and as Drek bounces back Landon jumps up and hits the Heavyweight Champion with a crisp Cucaracha kick across the bridge of his nose! The direct hit snaps Drek's neck back and forces Stone back down to the ground. With that, Landon makes the cover again.

ONNNNNEEEEEEEEEEE~!

TWWWWOOOOOOOOO~!

And, once again, Drek spiritedly thrusts his shoulder into the air. With a disappointed toss of her hair, Megan Skye bangs on the ring apron as Maddix begins picking himself back up. Despite telling his girl “Hey baby, you ain't no Alex Van Halen. Quit it with the drums”, she continues to slam her hands on the mat. Once Maddix stands though, Tony abruptly comes from behind and bangs him with a MASSIVE lariat across the back of his head! Sprawling to the corner as if a tree trunk just cracked his skull, Maddix props his chest against the turnbuckle, which allows Tony to run forward and deliver a vicious shoulder thrust against Landon's spine! As the Wildcard howls in pain, Tony steps back and bangs his muscular shoulder against Maddix's back once more!

COLE

It cannot be forgotten, for as much as Tony Brannigan hates Drek Stone, he's not a fan of Landon Maddix either! Landon, one of the Wildcards that entered the OAOAST so many months ago, has been one of the main superstars to trash this federation's history. And if there's anybody in this company that respects where the OAOAST is today, it's Tony Brannigan. He doesn't take kindly to such talk.

COACH

I still don't like where this is going. Tony looks like a man on a mission tonight. And it's clear this biased crowd is completely behind him too.

As Tony rams his shoulder into Landon Maddix a third time, delighted in hearing his fellow challenger yell out woefully, T-Bod steps back to give himself a chance to breathe. That turns out to be a mistake for him though. As he does so, Drek swiftly grabs his opponent from behind in a reverse front facelock position...and drops him firmly onto the mat with a reverse DDT!

COACH

And there we go! Taking advantage like no one else ever could!

COLE

And for the first time since he came out tonight, Drek Stone has hit an offensive move!

As Drek pushes himself off Tony's chest to get back to his feet, Landon Maddix charges forward to try to put the champion back down again. Thinking one step ahead though, Drek catches Landon and tosses him up high in the air! With a rather tall vertical leap, Landon lands directly on Tony's sternum with a textbook double stomp! As the crowd applauds the athleticism, Maddix immediately turns around...but catches a vicious superkick across his jaw courtesy of Drek Stone! The fans roar with jeers as Drek collapses to the mat and begins to take slow, deep breaths to help himself recover.

COACH

See Cole? It's like riding a bike. Drek had to acquaint himself with the ring again for a few minutes but he's doing fine now! It's like he never left!

COLE

I don't necessarily agree. I think it's plain to see he hasn't prepared as seriously for this match as either Tony Brannigan or Landon Maddix. Tony's looking stronger than ever, so he clearly worked out for weeks once he heard the rumblings of this match. And Maddix, as seen before, has mapped out a mental strategy with biding his time and taking advantage when he can. Yet Drek Stone was making a movie.

COACH

Not just any movie though, Michael Cole! Ocean's Thirteen coming to theaters in June 2007!

COLE

Yeah, yeah. Well, if it doesn't have Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, I'm not interested.

Now that he's had a few moments to compose himself, Drek sets sights on his main target tonight. Wanting to get revenge for what transpired earlier, Drek immediately sets his sights on the big man and pounces on T-Bod's chest. With surprising ferocity, he then begins peppering a nasty series of haymakers against the tag team specialist's skull, cursing his opponent's name with every blow.

DREK

You failure!

Another punch.

DREK

You big failure!

Another hard right hand.

DREK

I'll end you!

Yet another haymaker.

DREK

Don't you EVER---

And one more.

DREK

EVER---.

Hey, let's add a final one for the road.

DREK

DO THAT AGAIN!

Pleased with himself over this attack, Drek quickly pushes himself back up to his feet and takes this time to stand over his fallen opponent. Looking out at the Daytona crowd, who are only too eager to hurl their insults at the champion, Drek holds both his arms out to different sides. He then clasps both hands behind the back of his head and begins gyrating his hips over the innovator of this taunt. Many of the women in attendance scream as Drek flexes and swivels in a clear attempt to disrespect his challenger tonight.

COACH

You see that?! How would Drek Stone be able to pull out a dance like this if he wasn't at the top of his game?!

Unfortunately, Drek Stone has failed to remember he's in a Triple Threat match tonight. And, in Triple Threats, whenever you think you're safe with one guy down, there's always another lurking. Sure enough, as the Heavyweight Champion taunts Tony Brannigan, Landon Maddix takes this opportunity to stand directly behind Drek Stone, jump up, and clutching his arms around Drek's neck and placing his knees directly on Stone's spine...falling back with a VICIOUS LUNGBLOWER! A thick wad of spit flies out of Drek's mouth as he bounces a few feet into the air before crumpling to the mat. Landon, showing his eagerness, makes the cover for the third time in this match.

ONNNNNEEEEEEEE~!

TWWWWWOOOOOO~!

And, just as before, Drek muscles himself out of the pinning predicament. This time though, after kicking out, Drek quickly rolls himself up to a kneeling position and places a hand on his spine to help alleviate the pain. Landon moves to take a step towards the Heavyweight Champion but stops once Drek picks his head up and locks eyes with his newest opponent. Landon, almost respectfully, stares at the established superstar before him while Drek warily glances at the man that has nearly pinned him almost three times so far.

COLE

I think there's more than meets the eye here. Like Drek said in his interview last Thursday, he gets the impression that Landon Maddix is trying to be a younger version of himself. Whether it's right or wrong, that issue is clearly weighing heavily on Drek's mind at this point.

COACH

Well, Michael, it's obvious. Maddix has been doing everything right so far. Picking his spots to attack. Taking advantage of every opportunity, no matter how cheap. That is the kind of strategy Drek has used to be where he is today. And, at least up until this point, Landon Maddix has been using that strategy even better than the Heavyweight Champion. It's gotta be making Drek a little uneasy.

With the two still staring at one another, Drek rises back up to his feet and moves closer towards the young challenger. The two move face-to-face, neither wanting to break the staredown. However Drek, from the corner of his eye, sees Tony beginning to stir on the mat. Almost instinctively, he dashes forward and cracks a nasty boot against Brannigan's chin, sending the big man's head back down. Landon, with a curious grin, looks down and sees Tony beginning to stir once again. This time, HE rattles a nasty kick against T-Bod's skull, forcing the legend to hold his head in pain. Drek, not wanting Landon to get the last word, kicks Tony's head once again. Landon, refusing to slow down, then quickly does the same.

COLE

It seems like this is turning into some kind of contest now. It's like they want to see who can inflict more pain on Tony Brannigan.

COACH

Now this is a game I can get into!

However, the peaceful competition doesn't last for long. This catch-as-catch-can contest quickly degenerates as both men then simultaneously begin rapidly stomping Tony's head against the mat. T-Bod tries covering up his cranium to no avail as his two opponents continue to bash his skull into the ground in an attempt to prove their superiority over one another. As Landon comes down with a particularly harsh stomp though, Drek turns with a sadistic smile and swiftly kicks Maddix in the testicles! The crowd groans loudly as Maddix immediately clutches his balls---for lack of a better term---and crumbles to the mat. Drek stares down at him with a self-satisfied grin as he raises his arms and delightedly summons his strength from the crowd's disapproval.

COLE

And with that, I think the teamwork between these two is over.

COACH

Well, it just goes to show that Landon Maddix doesn't know every single trick from Drek Stone's arsenal. The champ can still walk out of here with his title tonight if he utilizes those little traps to their maximum.

With Landon doubled over in pain, Drek runs and bounces off the ropes to continue the onslaught. However, from the outside of the ring, Megan Skye grabs a firm hold of Drek's ankle and trips him halfway through. The champion stumbles forward for a second but then turns around and angrily stares at the vixen outside the ring. Before she can flee, Drek grabs a huge handful of her hair and pulls her up to the apron. The Daytona crowd explodes into excited cheers as Landon stares at Drek, ordering him not to hurt his manager. With a grin, Drek agrees.

DREK

Don't worry, Landon. I won't hurt her.

With that, Drek pulls Megan's head back and flicks his eyebrows at Landon. With the cockiest of smiles, Drek then leans forward and plants a long passionate kiss on the valet. Megan struggles to break free but Drek maintains the intense liplock for a few seconds before finally letting her go.

COACH

What a playboy! Landon Maddix can't kiss that well!

COLE

Uh oh. This won't lead to anything good.

Completely content with himself, Drek licks his lips and turns back towards Landon Maddix...and gets TACKLED ONTO THE MAT! The crowd grows rabid as Drek and Landon roll around on the mat, pounding the hell out of each other with nasty punches and forearms.

COLE

I can't believe how personal this rivalry has gotten in such a short period of time!

COACH

This is a competitive struggle the likes we haven't seen in quite some time. They're so similar that they'll do anything to gain the mental edge over another.

After a few moments of struggling and fighting, Landon finally rolls on top of Drek and peppers the champion with a hard series of right hands to the temple. The Italian Stallion tries covering up but Landon, who is now nearly as angry as Tony was earlier, won't let up as he continues to beat Drek Stone with a flurry of punches. After a few more shots, Landon stands and rubs his hand through his hair. He turns around---

---BUT TONY BRANNIGAN LIFTS HIM UP AND GIVES HIM A SPINEBUSTER ONTO DREK STONE'S BODY!

“YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

COLE

SPINEBUSTER SANDWICH!

COACH

HE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!

Upon the crushing impact, Landon immediately rolls off Drek's body and towards the corner. Feeling as though the championship could be only seconds away, Tony drops down and excitedly hooks Drek Stone's leg! The cheers in the arena is deafening as the referee starts the count!

ONNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!~!

TWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOO~!~!

THRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!~!

NO! Megan Skye has climbed into the ring and jumped onto Tony's back effectively stopping the count!

COLE

Oh my God! Tony Brannigan was only a millisecond away from finally capturing the title again! Damn that bitch!

COACH

Whoa now, Michael Cole. You can still be chivalrous in 2007. Triple Threat matches are no disqualification. It's not Megan's fault she knows the rules!

COLE

And just look at the irony. In the process of helping keep Landon in this match, Megan is now inadvertently helping the man that forced himself on her only two minutes ago.

COACH

Ah, she loved it.

With Tony temporarily disconcerted, Megan wraps one arm around T-Bod's neck and uses her free hand to claw at Brannigan's eyes. With a scowl, Tony climbs off Drek and stands up, with Megan still attached to his back. Almost toying with her, T-Bod begins rocking his neck back and forth, effectively swinging the beautiful valet from side to side. Once she's had enough of the ride, she releases the sleeperhold and falls to her feet, which allows T-Bod to pick Megan up high over his head in a gorilla press slam position!

COACH

Oh no! I can't watch this!

COLE

She should have never gotten involved in the first place!

As Megan flails her arms and legs in a desperate attempt to get out of this predicament, Tony begins lifting her up and down above his head, effectively flexing his muscles for the privileged crowd. With the crowd pleading for Tony to slam her down, he marches around the ring, clearly reveling in getting his revenge for the time being. Once he gets to the center of the ring, he stops and holds Megan up high---

---BUT LANDON MADDIX CHOP-BLOCKS TONY BRANNIGAN FROM BEHIND! The offensive move stuns Tony enough to lose his grip and fall backwards, causing Megan to fall right on top of him! The crowd jeers disappointedly as Landon, with a goofy grin, pats Megan Skye's ass.

MADDIX

I knew you were always handy for something.

With Tony Brannigan down for the time being, and Drek Stone still completely stunned from the spinebuster, it has now become Landon Maddix's time to shine. The crowd explodes into a shocking mixed reaction as Landon fully realizes the magnitude of the situation he is in right now. Both guys are out and Maddix is currently the only man left standing!

COLE

This could be it, Coach! It really could!

COACH

Come on Drek! You have a movie on the way! This night isn't about Landon Maddix...it's about YOU! GET UP!

With half the Daytona crowd now suddenly behind him, and the other half still disapproving of the Wildcard, Maddix dashes towards the corner and immediately hops onto the top turnbuckle. Seeing that Tony is in still no position to get back up yet, Landon braces himself. Shimmying his shoulders slightly, Landon maintains his balance. He then leaps off the top rope---

---AND LANDS ON TONY BRANNIGAN'S CHEST WITH A PICTURE-PERFECT FROG SPLASH!

The sheer FORCE of the splash sends Landon recoiling back up several inches before landing on Tony's sternum once again! As Tony tries taking short, shallow breaths to quickly regain his equilibrium, Landon wastes no time! With Megan screaming from outside the ring, Landon hooks both legs and covers the legendary T-Bod!

ONNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

COLE

Drek Stone is still down and out from the spinebuster!

COACH

Tony, you have me CHEERING for you now! KICK OUT!

TWWWWWWWOOOOOOOO~!

COACH

No! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

THRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

NO!!! TONY BRANNIGAN RAISES HIS SHOULDER UP AT THE ABSOLUTE LAST SECOND!

COACH

Oh my heart! LORD, I'M COMING!

COLE

What a close call! Drek Stone should kiss Tony's boots after this match, win or lose, for that kickout!

With an obvious frustrated scowl, Landon immediately sits up and angrily pulls at his finely shampooed hair. Almost not believing that Tony just kicked out, Landon curses to himself before focusing his eyes back on the big man. But before he can begin to stand, Drek sprints from the nearby turnbuckle, jumps up and SMACKS LANDON MADDIX WITH A BRUTAL SHINING WIZARD!

COLE

Oh my God! Where did that come from?!

COACH

YES! Drek just hit that move better than I've EVER seen Landon Maddix do it! JUST MAKE THE COVER, DREK! NOW!

With a thrilled smile, Drek immediately floats over and covers Landon Maddix for the count. No taunting. No posing. No cockiness. Drek is desperate for the pin and will do anything to get it. The referee immediately drops down.

ONNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

TWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO~!

THRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

SHOULDER UP!! Landon Maddix gets a shoulder up!

COLE

Nobody in this match will give up!

COACH

Everybody has something to prove, Michael Cole. Nobody wants to be the man that walks away a total failure!

Totally dismayed that the Shining Wizard wasn't enough to end the match, Drek spits on the mat and takes a deep breath. Pushing himself up to his feet, he suddenly finds himself blindsided with a huge haymaker across the temple from Tony Brannigan. The fans continue to cheer as Tony hits him with another punch, rocking him several feet back. Meanwhile, Landon rolls over onto his side and tries slowly picking himself back up, refusing to stay on the mat for long. As Drek attempts to stop Tony's onslaught with a clothesline, the big man ducks it and watches Drek stumble forward aimlessly. As the champion turns around, T-Bod quickly wraps his arms around the Italian's waist in a belly-to-belly suplex. Drek weakly pounds his arms against Tony's head to convince him to let go but it just isn't happening. With a surge of strength, Tony FLIPS Drek Stone over his head---

---but as Drek Stone flies into a standing Landon Maddix, he wraps his legs around Landon's neck and brings him down with an EXCELLENT HURICARANA!

COACH

THAT WAS AMAZING!

COLE

And the fans couldn't be more impressed!

The crowd breaks out into a rousing cheer as Drek Stone pops back up to his feet, almost as if he's unaware of the move he just pulled out. He doesn't have much time to celebrate though. Tony quickly picks him up from his side and drops him HARD onto the mat with a side salto backbreaker! The ring shakes from the impact as Tony holds on for the count.

ONNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

TWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO~!

KICKOUT~!

Tony wipes the sweat off his brow as he stares disgustedly at the dried crimson mask on the Heavyweight Champion's face. With the motivation of the title still driving him, Tony stands and wraps both his hands around Drek Stone's throat. Drek's eyes nearly pop out of his skull as T-Bod's grip tightens and he squeezes the air out of Stone's lungs. With his hands still around Drek's neck, Tony uses his massive strength to lift the Italian Stallion off the mat and HIGH into the air. As Drek attempts to kick T-Bod in the mouth, but failing as he does so, Landon Maddix quickly takes Tony Brannigan down from behind with a schoolboy, forcing him to drop the Heavyweight Champion. The count!

ONNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

TWWWWWWOOOOOOOOO~!

KICKOUT!

Tony Brannigan heaves himself out of the schoolboy pin attempt and right back up to his feet. As he staggers forward though, Drek Stone catches him and immediately takes T-Bod down with a last-ditch small package.

ONNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

TWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO~!

THRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE~!

KICKOUT!

As Tony pops out of the pin attempt, all three combatants in the match quickly rise to their feet. T-Bod strikes first as he charges forward and takes the Heavyweight Champion down with a LARIATOOOOOO! Drek nearly does a backflip from the impact as Tony turns and looks to give Landon Maddix the same clothesline. As he comes hurtling forward with the clothesline though, Maddix quickly uses his ingenuity to duck the manuever. Once the momentum sends T-Bod past the Wildcard, Landon jumps up and wraps his arm around Tony's neck from behind, catching him with a textbook Dragon Sleeper! The crowd breaks out with jeers as Tony suddenly finds himself in serious trouble with Landon desperately pulling back on the hold, looking to get Tony to tap out but not caring if he pulls the man's head off his shoulders along the way.

COLE

This could be it! I can't see a way for Tony to escape out of this!

Landon rears back on the hold even further, cranking Tony's neck to a gruesomely unnatural angle. T-Bod begins powerfully shaking his arms, hoping to find the strength to get himself out of this predicament, but Maddix only wrenches the hold even tighter!

COACH

You can't underestimate the power of Landon's headlocks, Cole. This is like one of those headlocks...only from behind, this time!

Tony desperately tries clubbing Landon Maddix's spine with his forearms but there just isn't enogh power behind his shots.

As Tony's vigor starts to quickly leave his body---

---and as Landon Maddix ducks his head forward to squeeze the hold even tighter---

---Drek Stone SWIFTLY wraps his arm around Landon's head in a front facelock position!

COLE

Where did Drek Stone just come from?!

The crowd roars in major disapproval as they know what's coming next. Without a way to cover himself, Landon keeps the dragon sleeper locked in as Drek Stone drops him down to the mat with the STONECUTTER!! With the sleeper still locked in though, as Landon falls with the StoneCutter, he SNAPS Tony's head forward as well. Finally releasing the hold with that manuever, Landon lifelessly falls next to the big man as Drek Stone helplessly falls back.

COACH

Picking his spots, Cole! It's about all Drek Stone knowing how to pick his spots!

With a deep breath, Drek Stone wastes no time. Seeing Landon Maddix out cold, and looking as though he NEEDS to get the win over this opponent tonight, Drek Stone pounces on Landon and hooks the leg.

ONNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

TWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO~!

THRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE~!

*DING DING DING*

BUFFER

YOUR WINNER...AND STILLLLLLLLLLL OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...DRRRRRRREEEEEEEEK STOOOOOOONNNNEEEEEEEEE!!

A deafening amount of boos echo throughout the arena as Drek Stone quickly rolls off Landon Maddix, grabs his Heavyweight Title away from the referee, and ducks underneath the bottom rope! Clearly not wanting to give either opponent the chance to get up and try seeking revenge, Drek immediately scrambles up the aisleway, tripping once he makes it three-quarters of the way through.

COACH

What a title defense! Drek Stone, once again, overcame the odds!

COLE

If you ask me, that man is LUCKY---oh so lucky---for making it out of here with that gold! He was beaten almost several times by both Tony Brannigan AND Landon Maddix, and he really should thank whatever deity he prays to that he is walking out of here still holding onto that title!

COACH

You can NEVER give that man credit, can you? Is your life that sad? That depressing? You just spent the past few days talking about how much trouble Drek Stone was in! How he didn't train! How he wasn't a fighting champion! How he was a disgrace to this company!! And he proved you wrong tonight---with one match! How you are NOT standing up and saluting that man is beyond me!

Now standing in the ring and leaning himself against the ropes, Tony Brannigan angrily rubs a hand through his hair and blinks the sweat out of his eyes. Looking crushed that he was not able to win tonight, despite having the fans clearly behind him to take the gold, Tony can only stare with a grimace as Drek Stone proudly holds the title above his head near the curtains.

COLE

Coach, you could ignore the facts all you want! But the fact of the matter is that Drek Stone needed other people to save him tonight! Tony Brannigan! Landon Maddix! Even Megan Skye! And if it wasn't for these three people breaking the pin attempts on him, I fully believe we would have seen a new Heavyweight Champion!

COACH

You're completely forgetting that Drek Stone didn't know he was walking into this Triple Threat situation! He thought he was getting a one-on-one match tonight, but even with this latest obstacle, he showed just how good he really is. Forget your beliefs. Whether he was facing Tony Brannigan or Landon Maddix in a singles match tonight, he would have still won!

COLE

Really?! You really think so?! Well, let's wait for him to defend it against those two then! The damn fighting champion he is! When is he going to make his next defense, JULY?!

As Tony continues to glower about his loss, Landon Maddix sits up in the ring and stares through the ropes at the reigning Heavyweight Champion. Both Landon and Tony realize how close they came to that championship gold.

They could almost taste it.

And, if they get the opportunity to fight for it again sometime soon, they know the result will end up vastly different.

But the point is moot. Because this isn't sometime soon.

This is January 1st, 2007.

And the most undedicated OAOAST wrestler competing today is still the Heavyweight Champion!

As the camera slowly fades to black, Drek Stone mouths five words to his two opponents. Five monumental words.

DREK

Ocean's Thirteen. Coming June 8th!

With that, the first-ever Mainframe Monday finally ends with Drek Stone's cocky grin.

What a start to the new year.

FADE OUT

Ed Wood Caulfield · January 2, 2007

Credits

PRODUCED BY

OAOAST Entertainment

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER

Zack Malibu

DIRECTED BY

Ed Wood Caulfield

OAOAST CREATED BY

Cobainwasmurdered

Tony149

Anglesault

WRITTEN BY

King Cucaracha

Ed Wood Caulfield

Alfdogg

Bruce Blank

Tony149

NYU

New Year's Spectacular 2007

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