Prologue: Following the disastrous The Night Some Funky Ass Shit Went Down pay-per-view, Hot Shit Wrestling owner Jim Kettner fired head booker Deacon. Deacon left for Mexico where he became a promoter of cock fighting and trafficker in bootleg Tito Puente albums. Shortly thereafter, Kettner was bought out by a mysterious entity known as Mysterious Entity Incorporated. MEI fired a good portion of the HSW staff and wrestlers in a shakeup that totally redefined what the HSW was. Since the HSW was crappy wrestling and tit humor, this probably wasn’t a bad idea. Time passed as time is ought to do, until one morning Deacon received a call from Giant Gonzalez. Things were wrong with the HSW…very, very wrong. The new management had to be stopped and Deacon rode to the rescue! Mostly, because Gonzalez promised to buy him dinner at the Spaghetti Warehouse.
Deacon pulls up to the front of the Toilet in a cab with a license plate that says “Fresh” and dice in the mirror. The sign out front says “Big Rock Candy Mountain.” Huh? What the hell does that mean. Deacon walks through the back and finds Gonzalez painted green and wearing a toga. Gonzalez falls on his knees crying, thankful that Deacon is here. “Stop crying Jolly Green Gonzalez or your dye will run,” calls a voice from off camera. In walks LIZZY BORDEN! Elizabeth Borden now, because she’s sophisticated and evil, don’t think she wouldn’t grow a goatee if she could. What the hell’s going on here? Borden turns on the boring exposition sign and explains. After the Deacon fired her, she reexamined her life and found a beacon of hope. Religion? Close, mindless conservatism! Borden found a benefactor who shared her new found zeal for brainwa…uh, she means molding…no, wait, yeah she means brainwashing the minds of young children. And don’t say hell, say “the place where Democrats go when they die.” The new sponsors and networks won’t like it. New networks? Yeah, we’re on ABC Family and the Disney Channel now. Ow, you’re dancing with the devil in the big black ears. No, but Spike Lee did try to sue us too. Deacon can’t imagine that those channels would want a product named Hot Shit Wrestling. Well, duh! That’s why she changed the name to Happy Sunny Wrestling. HAPPY SUNNY WRESTLING! Borden scoffs, since her people have taken over, Happy Sunny Wrestling has shown a profit and increased ratings. In her most brilliant move, Elizabeth bought a number of old gimmicks from Vince McMahon that were no longer being used by WCW or WWE. How about that for name brand recognition? Two guys in full body stockings with tiny bells hanging off of them jingle by. Deacon stands there dumbfounded and points, “Was that the Ding Dongs?” Gonzalez demands that Deacon be allowed back into HSW. Borden smirks and says they’ll have to go see the commissioner for that. The trio leaves for the commissioner’s office. Deacon: “Seriously, were those the Ding Dongs?!”
Segment Rating: 85%
HSW Pretty Kittens for Wednesday, September 3rd 2003
Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain
Hosts: Kevin Kelly and Tod Keneley
YES, SERIOUSLY, THOSE WERE THE DING DONGS TAG TEAM MATCH
Ding Dongs vs Irish Wolfhounds.
Match Background: Ding Dongs used to be a regular team, but have been inactive for a while. Whether this match will lead to a reformation as an active unit remains to be seen.
The Match: Spinning back kick from Davey Man Smith. Implant DDT by Davey Man Smith! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Covers for a quick two count. Smith tags out to The Nitroglycerin Kid. Irish Wolfhounds whip Ding into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. There's a two count on the pin. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Kid goes for a splash but Ding puts the knees up. SUPER frankensteiner on Kid, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Dong. Flying cross body off the top rope! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Hard back suplex on Kid. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. The Nitroglycerin Kid reverses a hip toss. Kid uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Tag to Davey Man Smith. STIFF high kick on Dong by Davey Man Smith. Dong tags out to Ding. Implant DDT by Davey Man Smith! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Ding is all alone...Stereo Super Kick!! 1....2....3! The Really, Really New Midnight Express come running down the aisle and into the ring! Smith turns...and gets floored by a clothesline. Kid walks into a vicious boot to the face. The Really, Really New Midnights set him up, and nail the Double Goozle! Smith is grabbed...and he gets hit with the Double Goozle as well! The Really, Really New Midnights have done a number on them!
My Opinion: Well, hello there *1/4 rating, how are you?
Winner: Irish Wolfhounds
(I made Dames say Dong. Yes, as is mandatory here at the SmartMarks we will be using the Dames as our reviewer or suffer the wrath of Dames’ “little friend” (re: Banky). The Irish Wolfhounds are now the team of Matt Stryker and Chad Collyer, who actually look like a young British Bulldogs…if you’re blind in one eye and can’t see out of the other. I love the little picture feature on the new EWR. I put in a picture of Larry Hagman for Deacon. I might not every be him, but I drink like it. The Really, Really New Midnight Express is Hypoglycemic Harry Smith and Ostentatious Orlando Jordan. The point of the team is teach the kids new vocabulary words that they will never use. Although Harry is helping to get rid of all the left over food since we no longer have the Fat Boys on the roster.)
Overall Rating: 57%
Crowd Reaction: 39%
Match Quality: 75%
“Hi there kids, Chris Nowinski here. I want to let all the little boys out there in the audience know that girls don’t have kooties. Girls are beautiful and wonderful creatures that you should get to know better. That’s right, creatures, because they’re not humans. Get a girl and she’ll do all the stuff that you don’t like to do. She’ll mow your grass, eat your brussel sprouts, do your math homework, everything. Why? Because women are insecure bags of flesh who define themselves by the attentions of men. We are their gods. A woman looks to you for her natural place in life, barefoot and pregnant. True, most of you aren’t old enough to plant a seed in a girl’s belly that will take root, but you can make them barefoot. Tomorrow at recess, run around and steal all of the girls’ shoes. If a female teacher stops you, kick her in the knee and say ‘shut up girl, go make a sandwich.’ She might send you to the principal’s office, but the principal will let you off the hook because he’s a man. They would never let a woman be a school principal, because they are inferior sacks of flesh. However, be sure to remember that they don’t have kooties.”
Segment Rating: 78%
NO, YOU’RE THE MAN SINGLES MATCH FOR THE YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON TITLE
Arachniman vs Repo Man.
Match Background: This match is for the You Are a Good Person title.
The Match: Stun Gun from Arachniman! I still can't believe that was Austin's finisher at one point. Doctor Bomb connects and Repo landed hard. There's a two count on the pin. Repo Man is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Arachniman hits a punch, but takes one right back. Again! A slugfest erupts in the ring! Arachniman takes a right hand to the temple from Repo. There's a two count on the pin. Side suplex from Repo. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Running clothesline from Repo Man was actually MIGHTY sloppy. Arachniman counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Gutwrench into a powerbomb, aka the Doctor Bomb and Repo hits hard. Covers for a quick two count. Arachniman plants Repo with an EXPLODAH~! suplex. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Hard impact Russian Leg Sweep by Arachniman. According to some other reviewers around here, 'legsweep' is one word. Double arm suplex by Arachniman connects as Repo hits hard. Repo counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Weak bodyslam on Arachniman by Repo sets up a legdrop. Flapjack from Repo on Arachniman. The Unfathomable Slag comes running down the aisle and onto the apron! Arachniman turns...and is dropped throat-first onto the top rope by Slag! The Unfathomable Slag has left Arachniman in big trouble. Repo Man moves in for the kill. Double Axe Handle! 1....2....3. The Unfathomable Slag obviously hasn't finished his attack yet! Arachniman stands up. The Unfathomable Slag floors Arachniman. The Unfathomable Slag signals - Naked BUTT Drop! The Unfathomable Slag eventually leaves, having caused enough damage.
My Opinion: -*. Somehow, you actually took AWAY from any enjoyment I could have had watching this.
Winner: Repo Man
(Negative stars in our second match. Who had that in the pool? Thing is, Dames makes every match sound like the greatest match since Flair vs. Steamboat and then he gives it a rating like David Flair vs. Vic Steamboat. The You are a Good Person title replaces the Lukewarm Shit title. We want the kids to know that maybe you’re not the best, but you’re still a good person. That’s why we put it on the most despicable human being I could find in the Repo Man. Did you think I would really stop booking while loaded on scotch? Arachniman is part of the gimmicks Borden bought from the WWE. I was pissed that Brad Armstrong wasn’t in the game and I sure wasn’t going to give the gimmick to Steve or Road Dog. The HSW sucks, but we don’t suck THAT bad. So, I looked around for a crappy, bad luchadore who wouldn’t feel demeaned by the part. Luckily, El Dandy showed up at my door. Literally, he had a sign that said will “wrestle for food” and was canvassing the neighborhood. I had him wax my car and threw him a ham sandwich. The Unfathomable Slag is our attempt to cash in on The Incredible Hulk mania sweeping the country this summer……we just didn’t get the memo that it fizzled out in about three and a half hours. He’s played by Mideon, aka Naked Mideon, aka Henry Godwinn, aka why aren’t you fucking dead? I left his finisher as the naked BUTT drop, just because naked butts are funny to the children. We did test marketing on all this stuff.)
Overall Rating: 47%
Crowd Reaction: 43%
Match Quality: 51%
The Unfathomable Slag retreats to the top of the ramp and gets on the microphone. Arachniman is going to get squashed like the bug he is. Arachniman grabs a mic and tells Slag that he’s not a bug, he’s an arachnid, that’s different. Hey kids, Arachniman is smart and what do we think of smart people? “Smart people suck!” Why? “Because Jesus wants us ignorant to fully appreciate his glory!” Elizabeth Borden has the kids in the audience already brainwashed.
Segment Rating: 66%
Deacon, Borden and Gonzalez enter the commissioner’s office. A big black chair sits behind a desk with its back to the camera. It spins around to reveal an old man in a giant foam rubber suit with his face sticking out of a hole in the middle. “Wacka-wacka-wacka! I’m Commissioner SpongeBob BacklundPants!” Deacon blinks and says, “Did I seriously see the Ding Dongs out there?” Borden turns on the boring exposition sign again. SpongeBob BacklundPants is their attempt to help the Disney people cash in on the popularity of Nickelodeon, AKA those hippie bastards. Although Elizabeth really can’t say “bastard,” she has to say “Clinton.” Borden explains that Deacon wants a position with the company. Backlund does the SpongeBob laugh, “no way, Squidworth!” Deacon snaps too and says that they have to hire him due to affirmative action. Affirmative action? Yeah, he’s a minority, a liberal. Borden yells, makes the sign of the cross and throws holy water on Deacon. She and SpongeBob confer and decide to let him be the color man for their Saturday morning show on the Disney Channel, The Rainbow Fun Hour. Gonzalez celebrates by shotgunning a can of creamed corn. “Ok, for real, those weren’t the Ding Dongs were they?”
Segment Rating: 67%
EARLY NINTIES WCW LIVES! TAG TEAM MATCH FOR THE HSW WORLD TAG TITLES
Tazz’s Cousin Chris Chetti and Super Invader vs The Really, Really New Midnight Express
Match Background: This match is for the HSW World Tag titles.
The Match: Harry Smith strikes Invader. Harry hits a dropkick on Super Invader and gets right back up. Covers for a quick two count. Harry tags out to Orlando Jordan. The Really, Really New Midnight Express whip Invader into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Weak bodyslam on Invader by Jordan sets up a legdrop. Orlando Jordan misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Back heel kick from Invader on Jordan but it misses by miles. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between Super Invader and Chris Chetti. Chris Chetti hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Orlando Jordan powers out of a Chris Chetti headlock. Orlando Jordan with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Chetti. One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. Jordan tags out to Harry Smith. Spinning back kick from Harry Smith. Chetti tags out to Super Invader. Harry Smith hits a rolling kick on Invader. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Super Invader tries to get a big slam, but it is blocked when Harry goes to the eyes! Harry Smith quickly scores with a field-goal kick between the legs! Super Invader collapses! The referee didn't see the illegal blow! 1...2...3! Evan Karagias got screwed! Irish Wolfhounds come running down the aisle and into the ring! Harry turns...and gets floored by a clothesline. Jordan walks into a vicious boot to the face. Irish Wolfhounds set him up, and nail the Stereo Super Kick! Harry is grabbed...and he gets hit with the Stereo Super Kick as well! Irish Wolfhounds have done a number on them!
My Opinion: Nothing special...nothing special at all. *1/4
Winner: The Really, Really New Midnight Express
(Dames buys a sloppy double axe handle as a finisher, but he didn’t like the Repo Man match? Go figure. Super Invader is Joey Number who used to be Evan Karagias. Lizzy got all the lame masked gimmicks from the early nineties WCW in her deal, so Karagias is going to be performing under as a new gimmick every week. It should take him a couple years to cycle through all the horrible masked men he can be. We start with Super Invader, due to Scott Keith reminding me of him in a recent rant. He was Hercules Hernandez with panty hose on his head. Bad gimmick overall, perfect gimmick for the HSW. Post match, Harry Smith eats the pantyhose because he needs food. Orlando Jordan just walks around yelling at everybody and growling. That’s more irate than ostentatious, but keep trying.)
Overall Rating: 62%
Crowd Reaction: 54%
Match Quality: 70%
Deacon wanders backstage, amazed at all the changes. He runs into a guy wearing a long nightshirt with a knapsack slung over his shoulder. Deacon looks up…It’s the Sandman! Sandman is ecstatic to see Deacon. Where as ecstatic as he gets, which amounts to a “where the fuck have you been?” Don’t say fuck, say “what mommy and daddy do twice a month.” They’ve saddled him with this stupid gimmick of being an actual Sandman. He hasn’t had a drink in three months, because of the new rules. He’s kept his sanity by making moonshine on the side of out siphoned gas and Lizzy’s douche. Deacon is even more pissed off. This happy, crappy conservatism is not what he stands for. He stands for sex and drugs and more sex. Sandman says if he thinks this is bad, see who they stuck with him as the Blue Fairy. In walks KAOS! Kaos is wearing a blue fairy outfit with a wand and tiara. Kaos isn’t happy to see Deacon, because he fired him from XPW when he created the HSW (like anyone remembers that). Deacon tries to save face by saying that he’s happy to see he’s working and still…uh…gay. Kaos is not gay! Then why are you wearing a skirt? It’s not a skirt, it’s a leotard. Ok, how is that less gay? “Uh…can I get back to you on that?”
Segment Rating: 73%
I’LL GIVE YOU A RIDE SINGLES MATCH. TAKE THAT ANYONE YOU WANT.
Kaos the Blue Fairy vs “Carless” Mark Jindrak.
Match Background: None.
The Match: Jindrak walks into a high dropkick from Kaos the Blue Fairy, almost losing several teeth in the process. Jindrak blocks a kick from Kaos the Blue Fairy. Jindrak hits a right hand. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Mark Jindrak scores with a big spinebuster. Pinfall attempt, but the ref is out and can't count to three! Kaos the Blue Fairy pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Kaos uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Spinning bulldog in the corner and Jindrak is down! There's a two count on the pin. Springboard dropkick from Kaos the Blue Fairy. Nicely done. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Jindrak ducks a wild right hand. Spinebuster by Mark Jindrak. Pin, but Kaos is out just before the three count. Kaos flips out of a Mark Jindrak bodyslam attempt. Kaos the Blue Fairy has Mark Jindrak down on the canvas. Here it comes...The Sweet Dreams! Mark Jindrak taps! Kaos the Blue Fairy leaves the ring and heads off down the aisle at speed. Kaos has the victory, and isn't hanging around for Mark Jindrak to look for revenge.
My Opinion: Bad match which brought absolutely nothing to the table and was a waste of time. DUD.
Winner: Kaos the Blue Fairy
(“At speed” or “on speed.” And what speed? I mean Ahmed Johnson moves at the speed of a slug, but it’s still at a speed. Now if I had Nash, he’s mostly in stasis, so that’s ok. I knew if I didn’t keep Jindrak I’d get death threats. It’s sad that he’s more over as a carless putz in some dork’s fantasy fed than he is in real life. Kaos had to get to the back because Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is coming on. He still has not clue why people ask him to rearrange their closets.)
Overall Rating: 54%
Crowd Reaction: 53%
Match Quality: 56%
Jimmy Jack Spock and T’Pol are in the back for a promo on the Sandman. Spock points at the camera and speaks, “Sandman! We have both survived the devastation of the pink slip plague to once again battle on the fields of Eliza for the right to wear the title that the gods forged from the fires of Hades in the time before time! Don’t do the time if you can’t do the time, Sandman! Keep your eye on the sparrow!” Elizabeth Borden interrupts to remind the kids that they hate Spock and T’Pol, because they’re aliens. Why do we hate aliens? “Because they’re different from us!” And why is it bad to be different from us? “Because conformity is tubular!”
Segment Rating: 79%
MEET THE NEW BOSS SAME AS THE OLD BOSS WARMED OVER SINGLES MATCH FOR THE HSW WORLD TITLE
Sandman vs Jimmy Jack Spock.
Match Background: Sandman and Spock are currently feuding. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. This match is for the HSW World title.
The Match: Some pretty weak shots by Sandman. Sandman hits some weak-looking punches in the corner, but Jimmy Jack Spock is able to block them and return the favor in spades. Sandman punches away at Jimmy Jack Spock. Big forearm by Sandman draws laughter from the crowd because it was THAT bad. Spock reverses a waistlock. Flying shoulder tackle by Spock sends Sandman CRASHING to the mat. Spinebuster by Jimmy Jack Spock. Covers for a quick two count. Sandman flips out of a Jimmy Jack Spock bodyslam attempt. Sandman DDTs Spock in a move that is so poorly executed, you can actually see that Jimmy Jack Spock's head didn't touch the mat at all. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sandman connects with a crappy looking standing spinebuster. Does everyone use that move these days? Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Spock backdrops Sandman out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Jimmy Jack Spock. Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Jimmy Jack Spock ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Sandman blocks a kick from Jimmy Jack Spock. Sandman punches away at Jimmy Jack Spock. Sandman grapples with Jimmy Jack Spock, and positions himself so that the referee can't see...and hits a low blow! He rolls up the stunned Jimmy Jack Spock: 1....2....3!! What a cheap shot! The fight has started up again! Sandman attacks Spock, and they brawl all around ringside, then into the crowd! They eventually disappear backstage, still fighting.
My Opinion: You barely escaped a DUD rating. 1/4*.
(The kids weren’t laughing at the forearm. They were laughing at Sandman’s nightshirt flipping up and showing his BUTT. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the new HSW is that naked butts = ratings. Does anyone use the crappy standing spinebuster anymore, Dames? Apparently you don’t watch RAW. I think I’ll make a tag team of one guy who just does a standing spinebuster and another guy who only uses a sleeper hold. We’ll call them The World’s Greatest Triple H-esque Tag Team! Let me also tell you Dames that Spock was trying to channel Luger there. His name is Jimmy Jack Spock for crying out loud, think about it. Man, I’m ripping Dames about as much as I ripped Keith. Nothing against you man, you’re my brother from another mother and all, it’s just the way commentary comes out, I had a stronger engine in my old K-car.)
Overall Rating: 72%
Crowd Reaction: 82%
Match Quality: 51%
Overall Show Rating: 67% (because Lizzy would not allow a 69)
T.V. Rating: 1.37
Attendance: 419 children who were promised chocolate rabbits, but got caramelized opossums instead.
