WrestlingDeacon

whose childrens' books have illustration by JERRY LAWLER.

It's not like 411 owns me. As long as I wouldn't let my column slip I don't think they have a problem with people writing for other sites.

And Harley, Nikita and Ivan were the Koloffs. I believe you're thinking of the Bolsheviks, which were Nikolai Volkoff and Boris Zukov.

It was Windham vs. Luger. Flair had jumped to the WWF at that time and the fans spent most of the show chanting for him.

I'm the Ask 411 Movie guy, I think it's a given that I have an insane amount of movie knowledge. I'll be happy to help out what I can around my other schedule. I might be of most help on golden age horror and sci-fi stuff and would primarily like to work on bios and summaries for those types of entries.

I saw a picture of her on the cover in the National Enquirer at the store the other day. She's dressed like a genie at a Halloween party and looks about as thin as she was back in the day. The blurb said she lost 80 pounds through some weight loss company she's hawking now.

The LHW belt blows donkey dick. I demand that an International Hoss Title be created upon my triumphant return this coming February 30th at the inaugural Memphis Eel Backyard Barbecue ppv.

I have the idea before. People like Britney need to take the nude photo shoot of themself now with a photographer they trust then keep the negatives in a safe. Then when they really need the dough, they can use the pictures of them being young and hot, not middle aged and used up, ala Tiffany from her recent Playboy spread. It's genius.

who the previously year, had MARTY JANNETTY fly up into the rafters as his surrogate

The Hearbeat video is actually made up of a direct to video special type thing that Johnson did. In it, he's a photographer in a war torn Asian country who sees this woman on the street and then spends the rest of the film trying to find her. I think she's a spy for the resistance or something. I haven't seen it, but know of it. Also notice who Johnson's lead guitarist is, Dweezil Zappa.

Thought of another one, I really like the Conan show too. Moleculo and the one hit wonder thing had me rolling and you could kind of see Conan's brand of humor on everything. When SNL gets someone they know how to write for like Walken or someone like Black and Conan who can pitch in and help create their own sketches then the show comes off as pretty good for me.

You kind of got at what I was trying to say, Bob. WU is trying to act all hip and edgy, but they're really not. Not when compared to stuff like what Norm and Miller used to do. It's like they're the neardy kid trying to act cool and tough. Actually, Census Taker is about the only one out of that list I did kind of like. Walken is always gold, because they know how to write for him and he knows how to play off what they give him perfectly. I also liked the "Who Wants to Marry an 11,000-aire" bit when Ben Affleck hosted. He totally made that one with the character he came up with. I'm trying to think of some other stuff I did like from the past few years. Well, "gay speed skating Hitler" is just funny on principal alone. "My wife, she's a bobcat."

HSW Pretty Kittens for Wednesday, Spocktober 1st, 2003 Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain Hosts: Kevin Kelly and Tod Keneley Honky Tonk Orton and Chris Nowinski arrive at the arena, chauffeured by the Repo Man in Mark Jindrak’s car. Hey, if he’s going to buy the car from the bank, he has those payments to make too. They walk into the building discussing strategy for their tag title shot later tonight. “You do that messed up slam thing you do and I’ll do that messed up looking suplex I do and then we’ll botch a spiked piledriver…” Deacon walks up with a long skinny microphone and asks them if they would care to trade their tag title shot for what’s behind curtain 1, 2, 3, or what Giant Gonzalez has under the box he’s bringing out now. Not really liking each other that much, they decide to go for it. Orton takes curtain one and gets a World Title shot against Jimmy Jack Spock. Nowinski takes curtain two and gets a You Are a Good Person Title shot against “Carless” Mark Jindrak. Hey, can he do that? Well, since Elizabeth Borden and her posse isn’t here tonight he talked SpongeBob BacklundPants into letting him have the book for old times sake. Cut to Borden, Kaos and Sandman back at the foot of the chocolate river where the last ppv was held tied to a peanut butter tree. Kaos and Sandman are trying to eat through the tree to free them. “God, where’s Fat Rhymes when you actually need him.” Cut back and Deacons says that the tag title shot against the Really, Really, New Midnight Express will go to the runners’ up of the tag elimination match at Love and Reese Cups, Subdued Flamboyance. Hold on! The Irish Wolfhounds come in and say they were the runners’ up. Oh really? Let’s go to the tape. Doctored footage is shown of Orton pinning the KISS Demon and then cutting off. On the ring apron where the Wolfhounds should be is a polar bear in a sombrero. Deacon doesn’t want to cause a riff with the pair, so he’ll let them choose either curtain 3 or the box. They take the curtain and get a gimmee match against the Disco Ducks, winner gets a tag title shot next show. Yeah, they’ve heard that before. Gonzalez asks if he can have what’s in the box. Sure. A George Forman grill! Rad! Segment Rating: 73% DON'T LOOK AT US, WE GAVE THE WORLD U2 TAG MATCH Irish Wolfhounds vs Disco Ducks. Match Background: None. The Match: Smith hits a dropkick on Disco Machine and gets right back up. SUPER frankensteiner on Machine, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Tag between Davey Man Smith and The Nitroglycerin Kid. Implant DDT by The Nitroglycerin Kid! I will always and forever mark out for that move. There's a two count on the pin. Vicious kick to the teeth from The Nitroglycerin Kid. Tag to Davey Man Smith. Irish Wolfhounds whip Machine into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Pin, but Machine is out just before the three count. Disco Machine comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Machine tags out to Disco Fury. Smith just EATS a swinging neckbreaker slam from Disco Fury. Disco Fury scores with a face jam on Davey Man Smith. Disco Fury tags out to Disco Machine. Disco Ducks hook up Smith, then hit a double suplex. Machine hits a spinning back kick. All those spinning kicks look alike, don't they. Machine tries to channel the power of Kawada, but ends up channeling the power of Trish Stratus instead by hitting a high kick on Davey Man Smith. Tag between Disco Machine and Disco Fury. Disco Fury just FLATTENS Davey Man Smith with a hard right hand! Smith backdrops Disco Fury out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Davey Man Smith. Tag to The Nitroglycerin Kid. Disco Fury takes a NICE hurrancarana from The Nitroglycerin Kid. Irish Wolfhounds have Disco Fury to themselves. Stereo Super Kick! 1....2....3! It's over. Winners: Irish Wolfhounds My Opinion: Usually, this is designated for good matches that were usually way too short for some reason. What's your excuse? *3/4 (No way Disco Ducks get past curtain jerking and no way they win. You might think I book in advance, but I don’t. Seriously, no shit, I have no idea what I’m doing. You all must be shocked. I can’t have four heels fighting over the tag belts and I needed to do something with Subdued Flamboyance, so voila. Post match, The Ducks try to get funky but have cantaloupes thrown at them. Who would have given the kids cantaloupes? “Uh, you did boss.” Shut up, Gonzalez and grill me a tuna steak.) Overall Rating: 59% Crowd Reaction: 41% Match Quality: 78% “Carless” Mark Jindrak is at the buffet table shoveling cocktail shrimp in his mouth before Hypoglycemic Harry Smith decides to load up before his match. Lady Victoria walks by and comments Jindrak on his fine shrimp eating skills like he Proctor in “Police Academy.” (now that’s an obscure reference). Jindrak is caught off guards. Women don’t usually go for him, what with him not owning a car and all. Oh, who needs a car? Victoria finds a man with an intimate knowledge of the bus schedule damn hot. She continues to flirt with Jindrak with the all the enthusiasm one saves for caulking their bathroom tiles. Ok, that’s enough, Nowinski walks up and sucker punches Jindrak in the yaboos. He attempts to drown him in a vat of cocktail sauce and officials’ rush to break them up. Not really, they just heard that Smith and Rhymes were both moving that way. Nowinski struts off triumphantly. Lady Victoria waves at Chris and whistles. “Hello, I sat him up. I’m your girl. Don’t you want a sandwich? Hey, pussy over here.” Deacon runs up and tells her to start meowing. Hey, he knows which side his bread is buttered on now. Disney don’t love them hoes. Segment Rating: 68% T’Pol and “Tatanka” are in the back to set up a match with The Unfathomable Slag. T’Pol tries to build “Tatanka” up, but Terry Funk wanders in and says it’s dinnertime. T’Pol rolls her eyes and lifts up her shirt so he can breast feed. Hey, breast-feeding is a natural part of life. Blow me Disney. “Tatanka” tries to cover by screaming, “Tatanka, Mighty Buffalo!” He then tries to do a war dance, but it looks like the Pips back up moves for “Midnight Train to Georgia.” The sweet sounds of suckling takes us to commercial break. “This tastes like Lipton.” Segment Rating: 95% (the miracle of life=ratings) I DON'T KNOW ABOUT BREAST FEEDING, BUT THIS SINGLES MATCH SHOULD MAKE YOU CURL INTO THE FETAL POSITION AND SUCK YOUR THUMB "Tatanka" vs The Unfathomable Slag. Match Background: None. The Match: The Unfathomable Slag with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on "Tatanka". One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. The Unfathomable Slag hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Covers for a quick two count. "Tatanka" blocks a kick from The Unfathomable Slag. The Unfathomable Slag takes a right hand to the temple from "Tatanka". I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. The Unfathomable Slag takes a right hand to the temple from "Tatanka". Covers for a quick two count. Side suplex from "Tatanka". Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Running clothesline from "Tatanka" was actually MIGHTY sloppy. "Tatanka" misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Weak bodyslam by Slag. Hooks the leg for a two count. Sloppy discus punch from The Unfathomable Slag barely connects on "Tatanka". Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Weak bodyslam on "Tatanka" by Slag sets up a legdrop. "Tatanka" takes a right hand to the temple from Slag. I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. "Tatanka" fights out of a grapple. "Tatanka" with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Slag. One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. "Tatanka" DDTs The Unfathomable Slag. The Unfathomable Slag gets knocked to the ground by "Tatanka", who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Through the air, Mecca Toad Splash! 1....2....3. The Unfathomable Slag looks furious. The referee walks over...and gets blasted with a clothesline! Slag has lost it! Winner: “Tatanka” My Opinion: I'll give a 1\2* rating because they were actually able to hit a couple of spots. (Supreme asks for matches against people, because he says they’ll be awesome and then they suck. I would hate to book him against someone he doesn’t like working with. Hell, he claims to love the Slag and nearly killed his ass three times. I need to bring Scott Steiner in and take out life insurance policies. I’ll make a killing. Post match, the Slag takes out “Tatanka.” T’Pol tries to help, but that’s a little hard to do with a fifty-five year old man hanging off your tit for dear life. Ask Catherine Zeta-Jones about that too.) Overall Rating: 58% Crowd Reaction: 55% Match Quality: 61% T’Pol shuffles back to the interviewing area rubbing her breast and not in that Christian Aguilera skank ho you can’t bang, but don’t really want to anymore way either. She’s joined by the KISS Demon trying to shove a bottle of Toilet Duck down his pants to make his piece look bigger and The Great Chetti-Etti shaking the rabbit poop out of his top hat. She seriously doesn’t get paid enough to deal with this shit. “Ok, yeah, Midnight Express, we’re going to win, you’re going to lose. Cool, let’s go to the ring.” T’Pol walks off. Chetti gives a surprised “Tada!” and follows her with the KISS Demon in tow. “ Whoa-Wow! I’m the KISS Demon! This junk is burning my junk!” Segment Rating: 70% DO NOT ADJUST THE SANITY BUTTON ON YOUR T.V. SETS TAG MATCH FOR THE HSW WORLD TAG TITLES The Really, Really New Midnight Express vs Subdued Flamboyance. Match Background: This match is for the HSW World Tag titles. The Really, Really New Midnight Express have been HSW World Tag champions since 03 September 2003. The Match: Demon hits a punch, but takes one right back. Again! A slugfest erupts in the ring! Big kick from Jordan staggers Demon but that's about it. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag between Orlando Jordan and Harry Smith. The Really, Really New Midnight Express hook up Demon, then hit a double suplex. There's a two count on the pin. Hard back suplex on Demon. Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Demon blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! The KISS Demon hits a stalling suplex on Harry. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag between The KISS Demon and The Great Chetti-Etti!. Spinning bulldog in the corner and Harry is down! Pin, but Harry is out just before the three count. Chetti uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Harry reverses a The Great Chetti-Etti! hammerlock. Chetti takes a flying neckbreaker from Harry Smith. Tag to Orlando Jordan. A weak headbutt on Chetti by Jordan causes nothing but pain for both. Tag between The Great Chetti-Etti! and The KISS Demon. Big kick from Jordan staggers Demon but that's about it. The Really, Really New Midnight Express have The KISS Demon to themselves. Double Goozle! 1....2....3! It's over. Irish Wolfhounds come running down the aisle and into the ring! Jordan turns...and gets floored by a clothesline. Harry walks into a vicious boot to the face. Irish Wolfhounds set him up, and nail the Stereo Super Kick! Jordan is grabbed...and he gets hit with the Stereo Super Kick as well! Irish Wolfhounds have done a number on them! Winners: The Really, Really New Midnight Express My Opinion: I'll give it a *3/4 rating. If you think of it like currency, it's a 1.75. You can't even take the subway with that anymore here. Work harder man. (Post match, the KISS Demon attempts to contain the madness with his Toilet Duck. Smith cuts him off by eating it. This produces projectile vomiting that even grosses out Linda Blair. Now that cleared the ring. T’Pol leaves with the Wolfhounds to get stinking drunk on Jameson’s.) Overall Rating: 68% Crowd Reaction: 61% Match Quality: 75% Lizzy Borden stalks through the back covered in chocolate with ropes hanging off of her. Certainly not the first time. She stalks into SpongeBob BacklundPants office to find him fiddling with something on his desk. Borden yells about Deacon tying her and her boys up and she knows he's taken over the show tonight. Backlund whistles until Borden wants to know what he's messing with. "Deacon gave me this really neat watch for letting him book tonight. He got it out of a box of Cookie Crisp. It can tell you the temperature on the moon and how much Paris Hilton spends an hour on STD medicine and everything." Borden shakes her head and asks what time it is. What? The watch doesn't tell time silly girl. Borden shrieks and drags Backlund off by the wrist. Segment Rating: 85% I KEEP MY JUMBO SHRIMP IN MY PANTS SINGLES MATCH FOR THE HSW YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON TITLE Chris Nowinski vs Mark Jindrak. Match Background: Nowinski has been feuding with The Great Chetti-Etti! recently, who is a stable mate of Jindrak in DS 9. This match is for the You Are a Good Person title. Mark Jindrak has been You Are a Good Person champion since 20 September 2003. The Match: Weak bodyslam on Jindrak by Nowinski sets up a legdrop. Big clothesline from Nowinski. There's a two count on the pin. Chris Nowinski gets taken down out of nowhere! Mark Jindrak connects with rights and lefts and Chris Nowinski is down! Running knee lift from Mark Jindrak. Hooks the leg for a two count. Spear! Nowinski is down! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Mark Jindrak with a spinning neckbreaker on Nowinski. Jindrak charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Nowinski hits a piledriver on Mark Jindrak. I know I wouldn't let someone that bad give me a piledriver. Covers for a quick two count. Chris Nowinski turns Jindrak inside-out with a clothesline. Reminds me of Willow's 'Bored Now' skin ripping finisher. Inside joke, don't worry about it. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Chris Nowinski strikes Mark Jindrak with a hard blow. Nowinski strikes away at Mark Jindrak, not doing much damage at all. Nowinski walks into a drop toe hold. Mark Jindrak with a spinning neckbreaker on Nowinski. Death valley driver by Mark Jindrak! No one executes that move properly anymore. Lady Victoria has climbed up onto the apron! Jindrak turns...and falls for the distraction! Chris Nowinski runs at Jindrak from behind...but misses! Chris Nowinski collides with Lady Victoria! Chris Nowinski gets whipped into the turnbuckles by Jindrak. Splash Mountain! 1...2...3! Jindrak retains the title. It's not finished, however, as the two start up again and brawl to the back. Winner: "Carless" Mark Jindrak My Opinion: Do you know what * means? It's the equivalent of buying your favorite soft drink, looking under the cap and seeing 'Sorry, Try again.' At least you got the soft drink. (Good lord, they threw more punches than Ronnie Garvin on coke. How I wish I could get the master of the Garvin Stomp and the Hammer Jammer in this game. The match is so boring I prattle on about Ronnie Garvin. And I've already done the joke about a match being so boring that I complain about something else on another show, that's how fucking boring this is. Nice to see Dames and I agree for once. I'm still not buying the discuss punch as a finisher though.) Overall Rating: 65% Crowd Reaction: 59% Match Quality: 67% Borden and Backlund find Deacon making Fat Rhymes and Hypoglycemic Harry Smith dance the ballet finale from "An American in Paris" for a half eaten pork chop. Deacon smiles at the chocolate covered, half tied Borden and is pleased to see her returning to her roots. Gonzalez whispers, "Her roots? I tell ya' boss those drapes sure don't match the carpet." Borden tells Deacon that BacklundPants has an announcement to make. "Hey, if I push this button I can hear recorded messages from Kirk Cameron." Borden slaps the watch out of his hand. SpongeBob BacklundPants announces that he will be the special guest referee for the Spock/Sandman rematch at the month ending ppv, Spocktoberfest! That's it? Borden stalks off and Terry Funk chases after her while dragging T'Pol by the wrist. "CHOCOLATE MIIIILLLKKKK!!!" Segment Rating: 69% MAYBE PEOPLE WON'T NOTICE THIS IS THE SAME SINGLES MATCH AS THEY HAD LAST TIME FOR THE HSW WORLD TITLE Honky Tonk Orton vs Jimmy Jack Spock. Match Background: This match is for the HSW World Title. Jimmy Jack Spock has been the HSW World Champion since 28 September 2003. The Match: Jimmy Jack Spock connects with rights and lefts and Honky Tonk Orton is down! STIFF~! chop lights up Orton who covers up to try and stop the agonizing PAIN! BIG clothesline on Orton. Running knee lift from Jimmy Jack Spock. Orton powers out of a headlock. Bodyslam by Orton. Full nelson slam on Spock. Covers for a quick two count. Spock reverses a waistlock. Spock hits a piledriver on Honky Tonk Orton. That used to end matches, you know. Hooks the leg for a two count. DEATH VALLEY DRIVAH~! by Jimmy Jack Spock just KILLS Honky Tonk Orton! Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Orton kicks Jimmy Jack Spock in the gut to reverse the momentum. Orton slams Jimmy Jack Spock. Orton walks into a drop toe hold. Spock slams Honky Tonk Orton down and motions to the crowd. Sandman runs down the aisle and into the ring. Sandman spins Spock around. Sandman hits the White Russian Legsweep! The referee calls for the DQ because of the interference of Sandman! Orton and Sandman are beating the hell out of Jimmy Jack Spock! "Tatanka" sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Honky Tonk Orton, exchanging punches, while Jimmy Jack Spock comes back, sending Sandman out of the ring with a clothesline. "Tatanka" \ Spock have cleared the ring, driving off Orton and Sandman! Winner: Jimmy Jack Spock My Opinion: Some blown spots really drag this match down a notch, so its ***1\2 for you. (Actually this pretty much is the same match as the one they had last time. My computer messed up from where I had this saved to a disk so I could write at work. It's not like I actually do real work there or something. Considering that my computer is a Furby hooked up to a car battery and started with a lawn mower cord, errors don't surprise me. The tail end of the match was saved from the run-in on, but the rest is copy and pasted from the last time these two faced off. Couldn't tell the difference could you? That's so WWE and so very, very sad. Somewhere Don Leo Jonathan weeps......or is dead. I'm not sure which.) Overall Rating: 84% Crowd Reaction: 82% Match Quality: 86% Overall Show Rating: 73% T.V. Rating: 1.31 Attendance: 428 prepubscent young boys who are surprisingly thirsty

Yeah, Bob I think all that shit sucked. Seriously, I don't get it. I simply don't. I think Weekend Update is one of the most awful parts of the show. It's like they're just going out of their way to be hip and political and they're just coming up with the obvious jokes and a sort of "look at how edgy and funny we are" attitude. About the only episode I've seen that I've liked since '99 was the first time Jack Black hosted. I honestly admit that I've hardly watched it at all last year or this year because I just haven't been enthused for it, but I'll watch it next week. I'll tape it since I'll be out of town Saturday night, but I'll tape it, watch it and we can compare notes. I really like Alec Baldwin as a host so that might bode well. I hate to talk shit when I haven't watched it much lately, so I'll give it another chance and see what I think now.

See, Bob that's where we differ greatly. I've really fell out of watching the show the past few years because I've totally hated the cast and bits of shows I've seen. Although I haven't seen much of the new additions like Kenan, the rest of the cast I know of makes it one of the worst I've ever seen. I simply don't see the talent that you do. It could be that we have different senses of humor too, because I haven't found anything funny since Fey arose as head writer. I say we're of two different wavelengths because in my mind this is about the lowest low for the show since the original cast left and everyone's brother came on.

I think it's part of their schtick anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if they cracked up on purpose or were told to by Lorne. It's almost like a recurring character. Ok, the material isn't that strong, but we'll have Sanz and Fallon start laughing to hide that and make people remember the skit for that. Hearing other people laugh is contagious and gets them laughing too. I think that speaks to how dreadful the show has been the last few seasons and how bad the cast is. I know Bob worships Tina Fey, but I think it might be a smart idea to do a 1986 and clean out nearly the entire cast and writing crew and start over. I think Fey's type of humor as one of the head writers has played out and isn't clicking anymore.

One of the funnier bits from the special was the guys ragging on Jeanine for defending some of the videos, like the Paula Adbul "Rush, Rush" video. Leary said it was only because she thought Keanu Reeves was hot and he went on to say how she only loved Good Will Hunting because the guys were hot in that. Jeanine became very defensive and Leary said she wouldn't fess up because it made her look bad with her demographic of snarky liberal feminists.

What you're talking about Zach was MTV's 25 Lame. It was the 25 lamest videos of all time as hosted by Dennis Leary, Chris Kattan, John Stewart and Jeanine Garofolo. Heartbeat came in at number one. I think what Vh-1 should do is just a random "I Love" series where they can talk about obscure pop culture issues like comic books, cereal, toys, t.v. shows, whatever from any era.

How do I link Starship Coyote and Mr. T you ask? Well, they've both been toe to toe in the squared circle with RODDY PIPER.

Ejiro wins

The Memphis Eel, Tokyo X, Jack the Ripper and Josh Stark vs. Cutthroat, T-Bone, The Grim Reaper and Vanguard

I believe if you check the SmartMarks archives you will find the review of a shoot interview with her.

who was in BodySlam with DIRK BENEDICT. (and I just remembered that according to the Wrestlecrap post, Braun the Leperchaun wasn't Crash, it was Buddy Lee Parker.)

I just thought to check this out today and boy do I rock. I want on a better team though. Or just a cooler team. Update this Evo, I feel like breaking DiMaggio's hitting streak.

who was a recent inductee into Wrestlecrap. This week features THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO PRO WRESTLING. Yeah, link the book.