WrestlingDeacon

HSW Pretty Kittens for Wednesday, September 18th, 2003 Live from the Big Rock Candy Mountain Hosts: Kevin Kelly and Tod Kenely Deacon is in the back holding Twinkies at arm’s length away from Hypoglycemic Harry Smith. Elizabeth Borden walks in and chews Deacon out for his continual poor work as a commentator on the Rainbow Fun Hour. Last week he told kids to mail their Brussels sprouts to Brussels, Belgium. Hey, it worked for Soupy Sales. The Mysterious Entity who owns HSW is only going to give him another month to get his act straight or…he’ll…do something mysterious and entity like to him. Deacon apologizes and tries to make amends with another gift. He was booking cockfights while in Mexico and wants to present Borden with his champion rooster, Weird Mojo. Borden jumps back at the sight of such a big cock. “Don’t you dare get that big cock anywhere near my wet pussy.” Giant Gonzalez wanders in wearing a pair of Groucho glasses, “That’s not what you said last night.” Segment Rating: 79% THIS WOULDN’T CURTAIN WCW WORLDWIDE TAG MATCH The Russian Assassins vs Tony Stetson and Flocknest Monster. Match Background: This is supposedly a tag match, but only one member of the Russian Assassins comes down to the ring. The Match: Forearm to the face from who we’ll call Russian Assassin Number 1 on Stetson. 1 hits a soaring kick on Stetson. Flying elbow off the top rope by the Russian Assassin, getting as close to zero air as possible. There's a two count on the pin. Russian Assassin Number 1 hits a soaring kick on Stetson. Stetson counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! Tag to the FlockNest Monster. Stetson \ Monster whip Assassin into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Monster hits a dropkick on Evan Karagias and he rolls to the floor and under the ring. After a few moments, the Russian Assassins emerges with a different mask on. Huh, I guess we’ll call him Russian Assassin Number 2. Powerslam from FlockNest Monster on Russian Assassin Number 2. Tag back to Stetson. Monster \ Stetson whip Number 2 into the ropes and hit a double clothesline. Covers for a quick two count. Stetson DDTs the Russian Assassin. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! The Assassin hits a short arm drag on Stetson. Number 2 points to the crowd and screams “What the hell is that?” While everyone looks, Number 2 switches masks back to Number 1. Number 1 takes a flying neckbreaker from Flocknest Monster, who enters the ring illegally. Monster \ Stetson whip Karagias into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Covers for a quick two count. Some pretty weak shots by Stetson. Russian Assassin counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Monster runs back in again and walks into a drop toe hold. Number 1 runs out of the ring and steals Kevin Kelly’s jacket. He throws it over his head, fiddles around and comes out wearing the Number 2 mask. Russian Assassin Number 2 with an enziguri! HBK isn't moving...uh oh. Oh, sorry, I had a flashback to the last time I got fooled. Tony Stetson is stunned as Number 2 heads to the top rope. Flying Press! 1....2....3. Winners: The Russian Assassins (who are neither Russian nor assassins, discuss) My Opinion: Bad match which brought absolutely nothing to the table and was a waste of time. DUD. (Even Kariagas is wondering what in the hell he did to piss me off. He’s wrestling tag matches by himself. It’s like I could foot the $12.95 and box of hamburger helper to get Jack Victory to come in for a one shot, but then I would be associated with Jack Victory and the HSW has higher standards than that. Think about that one for a moment. Kariagas better pray I don’t feel like booking the Villanos into a Wargames match. This marks the return of FlockNest stalwarts Tony Stetson and the FlockNest Monster. Stetson is upset about not being able to keep the “hot shit” moniker, but we tried to explain to him that we’re a fed for kids now. He helpfully suggested being called “No Shit” Tony Stetson, but that’s lame even for me.) Overall Rating: 47% Crowd Reaction: 34% Match Quality: 60% Sandman stumbles out to the ring. He’s not drunk, he just has the shakes from withdrawal. His tolerance level is bottomed out, he got buzzed licking a stamp. Sandman demands that “Tatanka” and Terry Funk give him The Baseball Bat of Mild Discomfort as Presented by Bank One back that they stole from him on the Rainbow Fun Hour. If they don’t, Bank One will be upset and forced to foreclose on their face. “Tatanka” walks out alone with the bat. Terry Funk isn’t there tonight as T’Pol promised to take him to the park if he ate all his Brussels sprouts and didn’t mail them to Belgium. Cut to Terry Funk running up to a little girl on a swing. He smacks her in the head with a cookie sheet and jumps on the swing as she falls off crying. Sandman warns him that Bank One demands the bat be returned to him. What? Are they going to mail letters of notice for six months, make phone calls for six more and then turn his name over to a collection agency in South Dakota that may or may not really exist. No, they’re going to drop an anvil on your head. An anvil on his head? At that moment an anvil falls from the rafters and clocks “Tatanka” on the head. (This week’s guest booker: Bugs Bunny). A guy repels from the ceiling, because we own the rights to Ranger Ross too, and reclaims the bat. He returns it to Sandman in the ring and proclaims that his name is Bank One. He’s the man that gave Sandman the new ball bat and he doesn’t appreciate someone taking it from him, without the proper compensation. Compensation he’s going to take out of his hide later on tonight. (Feel the smooth transition to a match challenge.) Segment Rating: 47% Tony Stetson and FlockNest Monster walk through the back arguing about their loss. They run into Chris Nowinksi and Lady Victoria. At least they think it’s Lady Victoria, she’s loaded down with about six tons of dirty clothes. “Remember children, the most important thing in a relationship is a girl’s willingness to do your laundry.” Stetson and Monster ask to join back up with Nowinski and reform the Pussy Patrol. They’ll probably have to change the name, maybe the Pussy Cat Patrol or Nowinski and the Pussy Cats. They can dress up in cat outfits, form a band and let a dude who looks like Fred from Scooby-Doo hang out with them. Nowinski eyes them suspiciously and then barks, “are you staring at my woman?” Stetson stammers, “actually I was marveling at the all the skid marks on your tighty whiteys.” Nowinski punches both of them in the mouth and tells them to get out of his sight, no one stares at his woman! The FlockNest Monster and Tony Stetson runaway. Lady Victoria peeks out through the clothes and smiles, “you do love me.” “At least until you get the laundry done. Let’s hustle, you have to clip my toenails and grout the bathroom tiles still tonight.” Segment Rating: 38% FAT MEN AND SPEEDY MEXICANS GAY POR…ER…TAG MATCH Boss Man and The Unfathomable Slag vs Paunch Estrada and Arachniman. Match Background: Slag and Arachniman have been feuding recently. Arachniman has yet to get an in-ring victory in this feud. Estrada and Boss Man have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. The Match: Paunch Estrada takes a right hand to the temple from Boss Man. I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. Paunch Estrada takes a right hand to the temple from Boss Man. There's a two count on the pin. Boss Man tags out to The Unfathomable Slag. Boss Man scoops up Estrada. Slag bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Covers for a quick two count. Running clothesline from The Unfathomable Slag was actually MIGHTY sloppy. Slag drops an elbow...but Paunch Estrada moves out of the way. Flying cross body off the top rope! There's a two count on the pin. Tag to Arachniman. BRAINBUSTAH~! by Arachniman! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Slag gets caught with a short powerbomb from Arachniman. Slag backdrops Arachniman out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of The Unfathomable Slag. The Unfathomable Slag with a badly-executed spinning neckbreaker on Arachniman. One more performed that badly and this match will end on a bad note, if you get my drift. Tag between The Unfathomable Slag and Boss Man. Boss Man strikes Arachniman. Tag to Paunch Estrada. Boss Man slams Paunch Estrada down. Estrada is sure in trouble now. Boss Man ducks a Estrada clothesline and does a quick roll up. Boss Man has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Estrada \ Arachniman don't look like they're finished by any means...and they rush forward to attack Boss Man \ Slag, and send them to the outside. Threats are exchanged as the chaos ends. Winners: No Selling Bastards 2K3 My Opinion: I'll give a 3/4 star rating, but only if you promise to improve as a booker. (Take the rating back Dames, I promise nothing. And you shouldn’t tempt me with mention of Sgt. Slaughter and the atomic noogie. I do have the Ranger Ross gimmick you know. Although, I think this match deserves a star for the Unfathomable Slag doing a flying clothesline. Who says fat doesn’t fly? Although he gets winded after a backdrop, so maybe it evens out. Post match, Slag and Boss Man head off for Dunkin Donuts while Arachniman and Pauch go to Taco Bell. They promise to meet up at Stereotypes ‘R Us later.) Overall Rating: 59% Crowd Reaction: 52% Match Quality: 66% SpongeBob BacklundPants waddles through the back with his pet snail Gary. Jimmy Jack Spock comes by and notices that Gary is just a painted rock with pipe cleaners stuck to it for eyes. Sandman trips in trying to get high off the paint fumes. Spock points a finger and bellows, “Sandman we meet again on the mountain made of rock candy, or candy rock depending on the position of the sun the great gods have put in the sky. For it is by that sun that we shall continue our monumental tussle to the demise. To the demise and beyond the demise into the nothingness of nothingness and beyond the nothingness of nothingness into the postnothingness of postnothingness and so on until it eats back upon itself enveloping the cosmos with our tussle of tussling.” Sandman replies, “your mama.” BacklundPants prevents them from fighting and books them in a match tonight! He then gets a phone call from the Mysterious Entity who tells him not to give the milk away for free. Have you been to their concession stands? Milk’s $4.25, you can get a beer cheaper at a baseball game! Actually, no you can’t. He means you can’t give the main event of the next ppv away on free t.v. BacklundPants adds The Great Chetti-Etti and Honky Tonk Orton to the mix. Cut to the children out in the audience fast asleep over that booking and the additives we put in the milk so we harvest their kidneys. Uh…I didn’t say that. Segment Rating: 67% IF YOU HAD A CAR WE COULD GO THROUGH THE BURGER KING DRIVE THRU AND SAVE MY LIFE, BUT YOU DON’T SO FUCK YOU SINGLES MATCH “ Carless” Mark Jindrak vs Hypoglycemic Harry Smith. Match Background: None. The Match: Harry hits a dropkick on Mark Jindrak and gets right back up. Jindrak takes a NICE hurrancarana from Harry Smith. There's a two count on the pin. Harry walks into a drop toe hold. Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Mark Jindrak ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Running knee lift from Mark Jindrak. There's a two count on the pin. Brutal sit out powerbomb on Harry! Pin, but Harry is out just before the three count. Harry Smith charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Harry counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Spinning bulldog in the corner and Jindrak is down! Hooks the leg for a two count. Tor-NADO DDT from Harry Smith, Jindrak got planted! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Harry Smith hits a rolling kick on Jindrak. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Standing leg lariat by Harry Smith on Jindrak. Mark Jindrak is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Jindrak slams Harry Smith down and motions to the crowd. Massive lariat! Stan Hansen would approve. Mark Jindrak drives Harry Smith into the corner. Splash Mountain! 1....2....3. Mark Jindrak offers a handshake to Harry...and he accepts it! No! Harry Smith levels Jindrak with a cheap shot right hand! Harry Smith spins Jindrak around. Harry Smith hits the Corkscrew DDT! Mark Jindrak has been floored after the match. Winner: “Carless” Mark Jindrak My Opinion: Do you know what * means? It's the equivalent of buying your favorite soft drink, looking under the cap and seeing 'Sorry, Try again.' At least you got the soft drink. (Dames is like a lot of the women I date. During the act, they’re all like “yeah, awesome, fuck yeah, yowza, chucka chucka chucka!” Then afterwards they’re like “eh, my fifth grade teacher was better.” C’mon, I can’t be the only person who has this problem. Post match, security rushes in to break things up. Not the brawling, but both wrestlers realize how stupid their gimmicks are and attempt suicide. They mess up of course.) Overall Rating: 62% Crowd Reaction: 58% Match Quality: 67% A video is shown of Fat Rhymes walking through a ghetto rapping. “My name is Fat Rhymes and I’m hear to say I’m so cool I’m frozen like turf in Green Bay. I’m eating lots of ribs and I don’t need no bib, cause I’m a badass bitch chillin’ in my crib…” A bum emerges from some garbage cans and looks at Fat Rhymes, “did you just call yourself a bitch?” Fat Rhymes shakes his head and walks off, “I told you crackers to get Flava Flave to write my raps.” Segment Rating: 39% YOU’RE SIX STRINGS OF BEADS BEHIND ON YOUR MORTGAGE PAYMENT FOR THE RESERVATION SINGLES MATCH "Tatanka" vs Bank One. Match Background: BO is making his debut at this show. The Match: STIFF high kick on "Tatanka" by Bank One. BO hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Hard back suplex on "Tatanka". Come to think of it, that move had WAY too much power in No Mercy for N64. Flying elbow from Bank One connects. "Tatanka" counters a sleeper with a jaw breaker and is able to get free! "Tatanka" slams Bank One down. BO is sure in trouble now. Big clothesline from "Tatanka". Covers for a quick two count. BO flips out of a "Tatanka" bodyslam attempt. Spinning bulldog in the corner and "Tatanka" is down! Hooks the leg for a two count. Tiger suplex on "Tatanka". No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, Bloody Hell! Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! "Tatanka" reverses a waistlock. A weak headbutt on BO by "Tatanka" causes nothing but pain for both. "Tatanka" walks into a drop toe hold. "Tatanka" charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Kaos the Blue Fairy comes running down the aisle and onto the apron! "Tatanka" turns...and is dropped throat-first onto the top rope by Kaos! Kaos the Blue Fairy has left "Tatanka" in big trouble. Bank One moves in for the kill. Here it comes – High Interest Rates. 1....2...3, it's finished. Bank One smiles and walks over and shakes hands with Kaos the Blue Fairy, thanking him for interfering and helping win this match. Winner: Bank One (Bank One is Garrison Cade. I hired him thinking he could team with Mark Jindrak, but EWR 4.0 doesn’t have them listed as a tag team. So, basically I was using him to mop up the bathrooms and clean kiddie puke off the seats. Which is pretty much how most OVW guys pay their dues in the WWE anyway. Just throw in popping the zits on Triple H’s back. I had the idea to create Bank One and…pretty much not even I can follow my own thought process on that. Although, abbreviating his name as BO may not be the best idea with all the children around. I’m not saying anything against Dames, but notice how he capitalized STIFF and HARD above. Just saying.) My Opinion: A DUD here would have actually been generous! -* Overall Rating: 38% Crowd Reaction: 26% Match Quality: 51% Kaos the Blue Fairy and Bank One celebrate post match. Kaos tries to grab ass on a hug and Bank One gives him a funny look, like he’s Michael Milken applying for a home loan. “Tatanka” stumble up and blindsides both men with the Papoose to Go! The kids boo him and he cries. They boo him more and he sulks until Mark Jindrak comes in to comfort him with pudding. “We don’t like retards! We don’t like retards who don’t like the word retards! Jesus made you retarded for a reason! Because you suck!” Segment Rating: 63% FOUR WAY DISCO DANCE OF DEATH AND THIS FALL’S BEST SELLING HALLOWEEN COSTUMES Sandman vs Honky Tonk Orton vs Jimmy Jack Spock vs The Great Chetti-Etti!. Match Background: This will be an elimination bout. Sandman and Spock have been feuding recently. This match is for the HSW World title. Sandman has been HSW World champion since 03 September 2003. The Match: Orton takes a weak kick. Boring brawling from Sandman is the cure for insomnia. Covers for a quick two count. Orton flips out of a Sandman bodyslam attempt. Tag between Honky Tonk Orton and Jimmy Jack Spock. Spock slams Sandman down and motions to the crowd. Sandman charges, Spock moves, and the referee is knocked silly! High Angle DDT by Jimmy Jack Spock just SPIKES Sandman down! Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out! Fallaway slam by Jimmy Jack Spock puts down Sandman. Sandman counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Tag to The Great Chetti-Etti!. Spock takes a NICE hurrancarana from The Great Chetti-Etti!. The Great Chetti-Etti! hits a rolling kick on Spock. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Jimmy Jack Spock reverses a hip toss. Running knee lift from Jimmy Jack Spock. DEATH VALLEY DRIVAH~! by Jimmy Jack Spock just KILLS The Great Chetti-Etti!! ONE...TWO...THREE. Spock defeats Chetti. Spock takes a headbutt from Honky Tonk Orton. Bodyslam by Orton. Covers for a quick two count. Honky Tonk Orton hits a bulldog off the ropes. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Jimmy Jack Spock comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Jimmy Jack Spock scores with a big spinebuster. Tag to Sandman. Sloppy discus punch from Sandman barely connects on Orton. Cover gets three for Sandman, Orton got pinned. BORING ass brawling from Sandman. Sandman goes for a splash but Spock puts the knees up. Massive backbreaker on Sandman and I get happy flashbacks to Bret Hart's Five Moves of DOOM. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Sandman comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Sandman hits a weak elbow on Jimmy Jack Spock. Sandman ducks a Spock clothesline and does a quick roll up. Sandman has a handful of tights! The referee hasn't seen it: 1....2....3!! Winner: Sandman (We don’t promote hitting people with chairs, so we cheat by grabbing another man’s ass. I’m sure there is something fundamentally wrong with that. I don’t want to rag on Dames here, well maybe I do, but naturally Spock is going to slam Sandman down, he can’t slam him up, physics doesn’t work that way. At least, since we took all the hallucinogens away. We could complain about SpongeBob BacklundPants booking of a lousy main event but you have to take into account two things. One, when have we ever had a good main event? And two, what do you expect from a 55-year-old man in a giant sponge costume?) My Opinion: Nothing special...nothing special at all. *1/4 Overall Rating: 70% Crowd Reaction: 73% Match Quality: 66% Overall Show Rating: 56% T.V. Rating: 1.30 Attendance: 419 kids who tell their moms that doing their laundry is not a right; it’s a privilege.

As mentioned above, I bough it, but haven't watched it yet. I'll try to watch it by this weekend and let you know what I think. It had tons of extras on it and has a decent cast, so I would say that might be worth $5.88 alone.

I think that picture makes him look like an even more pussified Joey Lawrence.

*Frost wear his sunglasses at night. Claw holds both your faces until you bleed like a stuck Cutthroat.*

who found a bigger bitch shortly after that by stealing TATANKA'S feathers.

:kicks thread in the junk:

I'm addicted to Wal-Mart $5.88 DVD bins. Most of the time you can find different stuff at different Wal-Marts. Recently, I've purchased the following: Rambo II Wall Street Big Trouble in Little China The Lemon Drop Kid My Fellow Americans One Night at McCool's (never seen it, but there's a picture on the back of Michael Douglas wearing the worst toupee I've ever seen) Batman t.v. show movie a two volume set of 3 Stooges shorts I'm at work and I know there are a few I'm forgetting. Also recently, I bought Cobra at Family Dollar for two bucks.

who squirted mustard down SHERRI MARTEL'S cleavage at the first Uncensored in a concession stand brawl.

who I always thought was a punk, even when he was an underdog face jobbing out RAZOR RAMON.

who I thought was hot when she debuted and CHRIS NOWINSKI was reading her name off the ass of her tights.

The house show reports are meant to be official press realeases about the shows. The SWF front offices would call it the Hardcore Gamers belt, even if I personally wouldn't. And how do I know what you call it, do you think I read your matches?

I say if you don't like the Gamers name, don't use it. I never did. I just called it the Hardcore Title when I had it.

Kansas City Chiefs

The WWF tested the ladder match and Royal Rumble on house shows before debuting them on ppv. It wouldn't surprise me that they would try a scaffold match at a house show before hand and Jarrett would be the kind of guy to suggest one. Obviously it didn't go well or Vince was just able to see how hard they are to pull of well.

Yes, fuck Norway, fuck them. Very intriguing premise, like to see where this goes.

Sting and Flair vs. Muta and Funk from Havoc '89 Flair vs. Windham from Worldwide in '87 that lasted the whole show Crap from Global or the AWA when Bischoff was booking.

If I send a check for twenty bucks, can I have naming rights to the Christmas PPV?

who came over to the WWE with STACY KIEBLER. It's kind of sad that the two most over people that have rock solid jobs with the company are two divas.

and both of them were carried by the charisma machine of DAVID FLAIR.

This Tuesday in Texas was like a really big house show, until the mess with Hogan and Undertaker and Jack Tunney booked that matc for TTiT and confirmed ppv coverage. It was also a test to do a weekly ppv like TNA does now, but it did really low buy rates coming right on the heels of SS.

who stole GEORGE THE ANIMAL STEELE'S gimmick of unsightly back hair.

Ok, I was thinking Roseanne and Rodney had a daughter, but she'd still be pretty young yet. It's cool that you know a member of the family, Syd, but I am very sorry for her lost and the loss of her family. You can let her know that the thoughts and prayers of many a fan, especially myself, are with her.

They did the "parent dies, sibling moves in" bit on The Hogan Family when Sandy Duncan replaced Valerie Harper. I don't really think it would work in this case, but Henry Winkler would be a damn fine choice to try it. Jimmy Stewart and Robert Mitchum have been covered. Brian Keith was primarily a t.v. actor best known for starring in Family Affair, Hardcatle and McCormick and The Westerner. He contracted cancer, had rising debts and his daughter committed suicide, leading him to do the same.

It's not Roseanne and Rodney Crowell's kid is it?

Rodney Crowell has a nice tribute song to Cash called "I Walk the Line Revisited" that samples Cash from the original tune. Crowell was married to Cash's daughter Roseanne, who is actually a really good singer in her own right and had several hits in the eighties. I love "Seven Year Ache." I would like to hear Allison Krauss and Union Station cover Flesh and Blood. Actually, I think Krauss might have been part of the song during the tribute special TNT ran sometime ago.