Chuck Woolery

SWF Favorite Writer(s): Edwin, man. I was also a huge Xstasy mark back in the day, and continue to steadfastly maintain that he was held down by the rest of you fuckers. Favorite Promo(s): I can't remember the name of it, but there was a Midnight Carnival promo in which Edwin, King, Spark, Mark, and Raynor went through McDonald's drive-through in the Love Rollercoaster, and spoke nothing but German through the speaker. I still love that one -- "Chicken McNuggets For The Soul", I believe it's called. Favorite Match(es): American Gladiators was easily my favorite to write, and I still don't think I'll ever have -that- much fun writing a wrestling match ever again. As for matches I've read, I'll admit there aren't many to choose from, but I'm going to go with the first ELM/Tom match; Submissions/Ladder, or Ultimate Submissions, I can't remember which. Favorite Stip to Write: Again, American Gladiators, with ease. Lost at Sea was an excellent stip as well, and I was kinda happy when that was being considered for JL MOTY. 'Course, I lost, but I maintain that I was robbed and it was only my superior self-esteem that kept me from committing suicide. My Biggest Accomplishment: The Double Jeopardy tag reign is the one I had the most fun with, but winning the JL belt and subsequently getting bumped is my biggest accomplishment easily. It's magnified when I go back and read the prediction thread, and how everyone picks Janus to win. Never gets old. To a much, much lesser extent, I'm proud of beating Mak, and nearly beating Danny Williams in the Genesis IV tournament. I had a much better match get deleted, and had to write a shitty match against Deathwish, but it was that short series that made me feel like I really could beat each and every one of you motherfuckers. I Regret That: I didn't stick with Quiz longer, and the elaborate angle a few of us planned out involving Marv Griffin and the Network didn't pan out. I Wish: For a World Title reign? Hell, at this point I'd settle for a USJL title reign. Dream Matches Involving Yourself: Double Jeopardy v. Justice and Rule, straight-up tag. I'm going to maintain that SS and I would've beat them until Ejiro and Judge get fed up and job our asses out. Dream Matches: Xstasy v. Edwin, proper, face v. face on the biggest show ever. In addition, the inevitable Grap/Tom encounter, and Stubby v. Thoth just for our general amusement. I've Become Most Friendly With: Supes and Zack, I suppose. All you kids are pretty cool. I Hope: Janus'll stop harping on carrying me to the WF and admit that he's merely jealous of my superior height and writing ability. ...hey, it's hoping. Personal Name: Joseph P and that's all you get. Single: Single playa, man. Have Most Trouble: I don't have trouble with anything. I rule. Favorite Things to Do: Hockey, talking, filming, acting, and writing. I lead a simple life. Most Recent Accomplishment: Getting head in the back of a Subaru while tripping on salvia. God bless Keith James. Most Recent Failure: Actually tripping on salvia. Truly not as fun as one might think. Favorite Bands: Nothing good, alas. Nas' "Illmatic" has gotten some play recently, Usher's "Yeah" is orgasmic right now. "Popular' by Nada Surf is getting some play, and at the moment I'm on an Obie Trice kick. Happy? Favorite Book: 1984 Favorite Movie: At the moment, Requiem for a Dream Favorite Actor: Edward Norton. Have you seen a bad Edward Norton film (we won't count The Score) One Song to Listen to On Repeat: "Yeah" by Usher and Ludacris. I refuse to give Lil' Jon credit as a vocalist on this song. One Item You'd Save During A Fire: My deck of cards. Poker solves everything. Something You Want to Get Into: Annie's pants. Biggest Regret/Mistake: Too many to name. Biggest Turn On: The female body at its finest form. Biggest Turn Off: Men. If You Died and Went To Heaven, What Do You Want God to Say: "It took you long enough." How About Going to Hell, Devil says: "Wrong room, head upstairs."

Hey, it's better than our eleven and a half thousand. Actually, it probably isn't, and I don't quite know why I'm trying to make you feel better after you jobbed us out last show. ... well, good luck!

Janus, Janus works because we all know you wish you were tall.

whoo, North-South all-star team! Now, to turn around the Vasectomy's season... I can only pray.

This would all be so much cooler if Vancouver wasn't in dead last.

This seems like the type of promo that went over a lot of people's heads, mostly the newer guys, because they haven't been around for the whole Kibagami saga. I, on the other hand, have. And I love it. Keep up the good work, man.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE BOUT SINGLES MATCH Charlie "Grappler" Matthews© vs "The Notorious" John Duran -> Charlie. Grappler DOES NOT LOSE. LADDER MATCH Ann "Ichiban" Onita vs "The Superior One" Tom Flesher -> Tom, because much like Grap, Tom DOES NOT LOSE. LAST MAN STANDING MATCH Nathaniel Kibagami vs Alex Zenon -> Obviously some sort of worked finish, probably involving the return of Silent to kill Zenon, only to have Z be saved by a returning Edwin MacPhisto, leading to the co-main event of Genesis V. Oh right, spoiler. ICTV/TAG TEAM/HARDCORE TITLE BOUT TRIPLE QUADRUPLE MATCH Wild & Dangerous© vs The In Crowd vs Aecas and Janus© vs Toxxic© and Liston -> I win all four belts for myself and feud with Zack over all four of them for the next two years. USJL TITLE BOUT SINGLES MATCH Coy "Wild" West© vs Todd Royal -> "Wild" West? I'm lovin' it. Todd. EMPTY ARENA MATCH Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix vs Alan Clark -> I'm a Maddix mark, so we'll say he wins. SINGLES MATCH Edward James vs Crow -> Crow, if he is to write. SINGLES MATCH "La Sensation Senegalaise" Said vs Tryst -> Sy-EED motherfuckers. SINGLES MATCH Stryke vs "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins -> Spike wins in 2k and demands a world title match. Squashes ensue. HARDCORE MATCH Austin Sly vs Insane Luchadore -> who is driving omgz austin sly is driving to victoree.

Explode? Shit, this kind of match is right up my alley. My only concern is whether or not I should make myself a triple champ, or spread some of the gold around.

All of us with intelligence, anyway. I have a douchebag friend who is trying to convince me that the Celtics are winning the next four games. Ah well. Fucking Bruins, we'll get 'em... next yeeear...

I actually know a kid who has an N-Gage and thinks it's cool shit and flaunts it to everyone he knows. Not surprisingly, everyone else thinks he's a douche bag.

Breadsticks at Pizza Hut, like fifteen minutes ago.

Well, it is a t-shirt cannon. I'd believe it. I have to second "Homer Visits NYC" as the best episode. Loved every bit of it.

The last one, mang.

Because the white Ruth was really affected by segregation. In all seriousness... like someone else said, I couldn't care less at this point about Barry Bonds, I'm much more interested in my team (the Sox, bitch). When he comes around here, I'll be more excited, but because I want to see Pedro/Schilling/Lowe/Wakefield strike his ass out. Bonds is a great player, sure, and he hits a ton of homers, but until he's within striking distance of Aaron (I'm talking five homers or so), I don't care one way or another about it. He could die tomorrow, you know, and forever be nearly a hundred runs behind Aaron. Wait until he's really close, then we'll talk seriously.

Memphis/Minnesota in the conference finals. Bet on it.

::Will giggle when you're all crowing about the two AngleMania III main eventers being the new SWF Tag Team champs.::

I have to second Pedro spiking Don Zimmer. That moment never gets old.

"Who the FUCK is Todd Cortez, Scott?" Snap-fade in on Mike Van Siclen, angrily exiting his car and slamming the door behind him. "No, Scott, does it sound like I'm fucking kidding? Who is Todd Cortez, and what the fuck happened to you?" Our camera apparently has a revelation, as a voice on the other end of the line can be heard. "I told you, Mike, I went out to play rugby with some friends of mine and wound up dislocating my shoulder. You can't hold me accountable for that!" "Oh, I can't? I can't hold you accountable for that? I can abso-fucking-lutely hold you accountable for this! We get a tag title shot and you..." Mike sneers, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "dislocate your shoulder playing rugby." "I'm sorry, Mike, but look -- I got you a replacement." "Great, Scott. Should I be excited? This was supposed to be us winning the belts, man. The cool kids. The In Crowd." "Mike..." "Scott, I'd arranged all our pyros. I'd gotten the rights to our music. Hell, I even got us matching tights." "Mike..." "I hope this guy wears your fucking size, Scott, or I'm going to be pissed off." "Mike..." "Moreso than I am right now, and let me tell you Scott, I am pretty fucking pissed. What kind of American plays rugby, anyway?" "MIKE, for God's sake, shut up for a second. This guy's going to be phenomenal." "Phenomenal, Scott? You know what'd be really phenomenal? Scott Thompson and Mike Van Siclen." "Yeah, well, that's not going to happen. Look, I faxed you all this guy's information -- check him out before you write off this tag title match." "Fine, Scott, but if he fucks up, I am holding you personally accountable." "Fine." Mike snaps his phone shut, stepping into his apartment building. He rides the elevator to his floor and gets out, entering his modest studio apartment. He grabs a sheet of paper from his fax machine, reading it aloud. "URBAN LEGEND TODD CORTEZ... urban legend? That can't end well. HEIGHT, SIX FEET. WEIGHT, 226 POUNDS... well, he's got more muscle mass than Scott did. HOMETOWN, THE STREETS. AGE, 20. Sounds like Tim Dillon would if he was from Harlem. FINISHING MANEUVER, MIRACLE ECSTASY BOMB A.K.A. "URBAN ASSAULT"... not bad, not bad at all. BIOGRAPHY..." Mike reads silently to himself, looking over the story of Todd Cortez. At moments he murmurs key phrases. "Todd Cortez is a young man who has seen all too much in his short life... vowed to never resort to the "low road" of drugs and alcohol... focused on growing up to be the keeper of his family, protected them at all costs... took part in his high school wrestling team, winning the State Championship for his division... some view Todd as too cocky for his own good, and as having a chip on his shoulder... Todd feels his straight edge lifestyle proves he's better than most people out there... Todd can back up his boasts whether in the ring or on the street." Mike crumples the paper up, throwing it away casually. "Sounds like a nice enough kid... and under the guidance of Mike Van Siclen, he's going to become a winner. Janus and Aecas, Tom and Annie, be warned... Mike Van Siclen's still coming for you, and Todd Cortez is going to assist me in kicking your ass. You're looking at the new tag champion, baby..." Mike grins. "Now get that camera the fuck out of here."

Cue me saying "Obviously, they want that blockbuster Terri/Goldilocks feud." Why else would they sign her?

Can somebody else confirm for me that Montreal/Bruins tickets at the Bell are, indeed, not on sale? I can't find them for sale anywhere, but I'm hoping that I'm not inept and that they really aren't on sale yet.

I can't believe nobody's brought up Orlando's astounding luck in getting Penny Hardaway with the third pick after finishing something like 17th in the league as an example of rigging the lottery. So I did.

May as well get in on this. I'm hoping I get picked by the Glory Holes and can lead them to first place.. First Name: Mike Last Name: Van Siclen Nickname: Love Connection Number: 23 Origin: Canadian (Vancouver) Birth date: 1/13 Age to start: 19 Height: 6'2 Weight: 215 Bats: Switch Throws: Right Position: 3rd Baseman Defense +1 Speed +2 Batting Average +1 LHP +2 RHP Homeruns +1 LHP +1 RHP Avoiding Strikeouts +1 LHP

Clever marketing for The Prince and Me.

...dammit, Caboose, I am not Thunderkid. You can try to jab at me with your "lowest drawing OAOAST champion" lines, but I will not be affected!

In the interest of fairness, Zack Malibu and myself will NOT pimp the shit out of our potential Match of the Year, but allow everyone else to do that for their matches. Thank you, and good day.