Dr. Tom

Football: 1. Celebrations are allowed and encouraged if the play resulted in a touchdown, turnover, or big gain. Anyone who runs around the field, gyrates, and points at himself after making a routine tackle will be ejected and fined $50,000 per offense. Get the fuck back to the huddle, you showboating jackass. 2. Paul Tagliabue will be executed and dumped in the Baltimore Harbor. (actually, this should be #1.) 3. The "leaping" rule is scrapped. 4. Officials get paid and trained like they have a full-time job. 5. If you win the toss in OT, you get the ball on the 25-yard line. 6. All artificial turf fields will be replaced with grass. If you think football was meant to be played on thinly-padded concrete, then go fuck off somewhere. 7. Any helmet-to-helmet hit will result in ejection from the game and a $100,000 fine. If you injure someone and cause them to miss time as the result of a helmet-to-helmet hit, then you get suspended for as long as that player is out, plus one game, and the fine is $100,000 per suspended game. 8. If a coach wins a replay challenge, he retains that challenge. Why penalize someone for being right? 9. A 25% discount toward the salary cap for a team retaining its own players when they're free agents. Baseball: 1. Salary floor. No salary cap. 2. Full revenue sharing based on market size and attendance. If you can't get people to show up and watch your team, then you don't deserve as much revenue-sharing money as someone who can. 3. Eliminate interleague play. 4. Speed up the game. Enforce the time limit between pitches. If a pitcher is going slow, call a ball; make it a balk with runners on base. If it's the hitter's fault, call a strike. If that was strike three, hurry your ass up next time. 5. An actual drug testing policy will be instituted. I couldn't give a shit less if a baseball player is smoking pot, but harder drugs and performance-enhancing drugs will be flagged. The first offense will carry a fine equal to 5% of the player's annual salary. The second offense is a month off without pay, a 10%-of-salary fine, and mandatory rehab. The third offense is a ban without pay for one calendar year, mandatory rehab, and the player must apply for reinstatement. 6. A seven-day DL, retroactive to a max of two days. 7. The strike zone will be from the knees to the bottom of the chest. Umpires who have trouble calling this strike zone will be fined until they get it right. 8. Create an award for Player of the Year in each league. This will be separate from the MVP, and simply go to the player who had the most impressive statistical season. The MVP Award will have its rules changed so that the player has to come from a team with a winning record. 9. The commissioner cannot be a current or past owner of any MLB team. 10. No more astroturf. If you have a dome, fix it so you can grow grass in it. 11. No more body armor for batters. 12. Any batter who has any part of his body on or over the plate before the pitch is delivered will be called out. 13. Pete Rose will be permanently banned from baseball. An official decree will be issued, call him a "cocksucker," a "lying, worthless piece of shit," and a "waste of sperm and egg." Hockey: 1. No more instigator penalty. 2. The red line will be kept for decoration only; no more two-line pass offside. 3. No-touch icing. 4. No more "overtime loss." If you lost, then you lost, and you get no points in the standings for it. In fact, there will be no more ties; see below. 5. Any team with a winning percentage below .500 will be ineligible for the playoffs. 6. Reduce the size of goalie pads. 7. Call penalties for obstruction, interference, holding, etc. Any player who takes a dive to try and get a call is rewarded with a 10-minute misconduct. 8. The overtime period will be 10 minutes. If the game is still tied at the end of that period, then the starting five skaters for each team beat the shit out of each other for the win. The team with the most men standing after 90 seconds wins the game. 9. Mandatory visors for everyone. Basketball: 1. Use the international three-point line. 2. Traveling will actually be called. Sorry, six steps on a dunk will be a turnover. Women's Tennis: 1. All attractive players will play in Victoria's Secret lingerie. No one watches women's tennis for the actual game. 2. All other women's "professional" sports will disband, since no one gives a shit about them. NASCAR: 1. Turn right for a fucking change, you goddamn rednecks.

I decree the pancake bunny to be the new official animal of the USA!

::randomly bombs other nations::

My money league (AL-only, going to 5x5 this year after 18 years of 4x4) had its roster freeze last night. I kept 9 players: C Ben Molina, $8, 2nd year 1B Scott Spiezio, $11, 2nd year 3B Bill Mueller, $3, 2nd year P Tim Hudson, $39, 2nd year P Mike Mussina, $36, 2nd year P Eric Dubose, $6, 2nd year P Damaso Marte, $10, 2nd year P Brendan Donnelly, $1, 2nd year (Currently on DL) P Joel Piniero, $11, X-2 Potentially keepable gentleman I threw back: CI Ken Harvey (2nd year @$6), OF Hideki Matsui (2nd year @$25), DH Ruben Sierra (2nd year @$5). I also declined a trade for Shiggy Hasegawa (2nd year @$4) just before the freeze, since his K numbers are not strong. I've won this league the last two years. No one's ever won three years in a row before, so I'm trying to be the first. I have three solid starters, and a potentially good one in DuBose, who finished last year strong. I'm going to try and get Javier Vasquez, since I think he'll go for less than Schilling. I traded Carl Crawford this offseason (to get Mussina and Marte), so my speed is negligible. Now that the league is 5x5, I can afford to "punt" a category. That will either have to be speed or saves, and I can get saves from one guy, so punting speeds seems more likely at this point. Discuss my team, or your own team and league.

I was there, d00d. It was fucking GOLD.

Magic players will know what I'm talking about here. I have a Beta Black Lotus in good condition, signed by both Richard Garfield and the artist. It is officially teh r0x0r, and is part of my Beta Power 9 set.

Goddamnit. I'd love to know how I did that one. ::fixes::

I drive about 16 miles to work everyday, and it usually takes me around 20 minutes. I'm able to make pretty good time going down Rt. 40, but once I get onto the base itself, things get a lot slower.

Hmmm, is it a good one? I'd be interested in joining a good poker forum. I'm guessing it's tied to the publishing company that has put out David Sklansky's books? As for me, the boards I frequent besides TSM: - SNKT - Scrollrack.com (a Magic: the Gathering site, where I admin the forums and edit the site) There are a few more I post at occasionally.

It doesn't stand for anything. "Sic" is Latin for "thus" (see "Sic semper tyrannus" -- "thus always for a tyrant"), and is used in print to point out errors, indicating that the error is preserved in the quote.

3.81 (unweighted) GPA, ranked 10th in my class out of 251.

I'm calling a hostile takeover of the USA, because I can. MUAHAHAHAHA~!

Hardly. I thought it was pulled off very well, in fact. I thought it odd when I saw Colonel KKK advocating a traditionally liberall viewpoint, but then when I saw Tyler quoting an Ann Coulter column for reasons other than saying "OMG THE W3RD OF SATAN~!!!1!!11!!!!" I knew the April Fool's fix was in. Well done, all of you who were involved.

Just so you know, the usual dollar amount for an auction league's salary cap is $260.

From The Man in Blak, regarding a rather vituperative thread about the legitimacy of mental illness in the former NHB. Dated 9.9.02. My PMs > all of yours.

I view the board with sigs (and avatars) off, since I do most of my viewing from work these days. Thus, I don't get to see sigs that are too large. If a sig is too large, then a mod should be PM'ed to deal with the situation.

It's interesting that the decline in record sales directly corresponds to the RIAA's murder of Napster. Napster actually exposed people to music they never would've heard otherwise, and at its height, was improving sales. Since Napster was snuffed, though, sales have fallen. Post hoc ergo propter hoc? Perhaps, but it's worth noting. The RIAA needs to embrace the digital model or die.

Yeah, but that fiction's 2000 years old. It needs some updatin'.

"It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in."

You should write a book about that kind of stuff.

That's awesome. I would say "rubbish" instead of "claptrap," but that's still awesome.

I'm sure a lot of people don't come to a wrestling board for that. I'm also sure that most of them don't go into the Current Events folder. Or if they do, they run out screaming and covering their eyes after about five minutes... It's already in one folder: CE. CE is for politics, as well as newsworthy regional, national, and international events. In an election year (especially considering how hotly-contested the last election was, and the bitterness that still lingers on both sides), people are going to be cranking up the anti-Bush or anti-Kerry rhetoric. Basically, if the topic doesn't seem like something that's to your liking, don't click on it. If the folder seems like something that's not to your liking, don't go into it. I'm not saying those to be a prick, but it's just common sense.

Sass lives where there are miles and miles of deserts, and he owns two very nice shovels.

What the hell, I'll ask for a grade, too. BTW, I always learned it as "Sic transit gloria mundi," but it's been a while. It's still one of my absolute favorite phrases in Latin.

^ BAN PLZ~