Nighthawk

GG Allin, any stop on his last tour. That's easy.

That particular one was cause of my tattoo. *wearing GG Allin shirt* "Hey man, nice shirt." "Thanks. Check this out." *shows him GG Allin tattoo* "Whoa, that's hardcore. My old roommate could have given that a run for his money. One time he was taking too long in the shower, so I took a shit in front of the door. He stepped right in it!" "Ha ha!" "Yeah, but then he took a shit in my bed that night." "That sucks." "Yeah, it kind of went back and forth until he had some guys hold me down and shit in my mouth. I said 'You win man.'" Usually it takes more than ten seconds, but it's often within the first conversation I ever have with anybody. That one was pretty much verbatim, though. Another story related to that, one time I asked this girl I worked with out. I barely knew her, I was pretty much doing it because I had this shirt that would be really funny to wear on a date (giant picture of Paris Hilton blowing a guy), and she was the first girl I saw. So we get out there, make our dinner reservations, and then go to Starbucks to wait. I say "So what's your deal?" and she launches into this crazy story about drug trafficking and like, being an alcoholic at ten years old, and eating flowers by the side of the road and running around naked. This wasn't all at once, mind you. She'd say one thing, then I'd say something worse about myself, then she'd top that, and so one. It was this crazy battle of one upsmanship that went on for four hours, seriously. We just skipped dinner. Maybe that's why people open up to me, or part of why. I can hang with them. What ended up happening was A) She told me she once did a different guy every day for two weeks. and B) Threw herself at me that night. Then she got incredibly offended and refused to talk to me again after I affectionately called her a slut. That makes no sense at all.

It does work... for me, at least. If you notice, I wasn't actually answering a question, I was just pointing something out. There's really no harm in trying, though, and it might make you feel better. There are certain quirks of talking to girls that seem to be specific to me. Like, the ability to ask for weird sexual shit and not offend people, or begging someone to go out with me and having it come off funny instead of pathetic. I'm also really good at apologies. I think I have some sort of naturally non-threatening demeanor. It's been noted to me that people always seem to open up to me. Like, a guy'll bum a cigarette off me, and then tell me about how his wife is fucking his best friend. Or stories about shit eating ten seconds after I met somebody. I get to hear about my school counselors college experiments with lesbianism. Or the story about the bath in blood, that was a good one. I probably know more secrets than anyone else I know.

You're supposed to know just by hearing the title though. Besides, I didn't know being stupid was a British stereotype. It's an American one. Americans are apparently supposed to be too stupid to know what a philosopher is.

The story about Louie Anderson getting drunk and sexually assaulting a guy makes me laugh every single time. Hard.

Probably figured nobody would know where Encino was. I've been there and I'm not even sure.

You mean Encino Man, luke-o. Actually I like pretty much all the movies mentioned. I'm easily pleased.

Maybe she just likes pictures of herself? If I had the money, I'd commission a giant portrait of me in sitting in a gothic mansion, holding a glass of brandy. I've got a picture of me without a shirt on the wall.

The new LiveFastDie single, "Do I Look Like A Bank To You" is fucking awesome. I love every single thing about that band. Look at that jumpsuit. In fact, here's their myspace, you can listen to the song.

Actually I'm going to say she's the most attractive person to use their own picture, except Leena. NoCal Mike looks like Genghis Khan, and Matt Young looks like me before a hard night. But I look like a different person in every picture, so I'm not saying I'm not hot, because I am. Strangers make out with me. And there's also the guy who licks Jericho, and he looks like Private fucking Pyle. Anybody else?

God, you guys are mean. I do think girls should show their tits more in general. What's it going to hurt? It's not like I won't show you whatever of mine you want to see. I also agree with Dave Chappelle that it should be socially acceptable to compliment women on their tits.

He's a good writer and director, fuck you. His problem is inexperience. I am both looking forward to Halloween, and petrified that it will suck. His problem is doing shit terribly overblown, like Michael Myers is eight feet tall and everything. He's learning, though. Regarding Saw, I actually like 2 the best.

I can actually talk my way out of tickets pretty good. Just be funny, that works. Ed Kemper talked his way out of situations when he had dead teenage hitchhikers in his trunk. That's a level goddamn head. Never been pulled over when I was drunk, though, that probably wouldn't work. Now I know some people are like "Anyone who ever drives drunk should die.", but look, it's not that bad. It's usually four in the morning, it's not like I'm getting liquored up and driving through a school zone at three in the afternoon. I don't do it anymore, though. I used to take turns with whoever I was with, when one person started to pass out, we'd pull over and switch. One thing about drunk driving I'll tell you is that it's wildly fun. We're usually just basically yelling "Look at us! We're gonna die! We're completely hammered and driving away! This is the worst thing ever!" It's kind of like having unprotected sex with someone you just met. Sick thrills.

Yeah, they're both Latin based. I don't give a flying fuck about any language besides English, but I can assure you he is right. I can pretty much speak French and Spanish, and like I say, I don't give a flying fuck. Actually, that's not true, I would love to learn Japanese. pbone, you can teach me that if we did ever meet up.

I've gotten drunk at 7 AM before. I had this theory see, that it didn't matter what time it was. If I'm drunk at 7 AM and sober all night, who cares?

Yes, buy that fucking shirt! That shirt is awesome.

A threesome, yeah, as long as you made out with them both. That actually sounds hot, man. Consenting, no, they are seriously two people. If one wants to do something, she can. Watch Todd Browning's Freaks, there's a scene about exactly this. A guy is in love with one half of some Siamese Twins chicks, and proposes, and the other half is sitting there reading a book. It's none of her god damn beeswax. And I think actual twins sort of develop that role with each other. But when the chick says yes, they can get married, they hug, and the other twin sort of looks skyward and puts her book down and feels good. Actually, scene of the movie there, and it's a good, weird movie. In sum: Siamese twins are legitimately two different people and we should treat them as such. I think the fact that I don't ask her that is much of why we're such good friends. Sure, it's ok to talk about porn filth, but I know the line. I think if I was legitimately in porn, she would totally bang me. It'd be gross too, and she'd totally be dominant. I'm a total masochist.

That's actually a really interesting question, and I can't answer it. I expect it's... everything that happens when you take LSD besides the visuals, but the visuals are such an important part of it that I can't imagine. I will find a blind bum and shove acid into his mouth to discover this. Reminds me of the Bible story where Jesus spits on the ground and rubs the mud into the blind man's eyes, and he says "I see people. They look like trees walking around." So Jesus rubs some more mud into his eyes and he says "I CAN SEE!" Mud made from Jesus spit is some bad stuff. Mess you up.

I hope that was a slam on me spending thousands of dollars on shoes, and not a slam on Circle Jerks, because they rock. In keeping with my fetish, this is my favorite pair of shoes: Actually, it's a tie between those and my standard black Doc Marten 1460s. Those are my do anything boots, and I will walk through just about anything. But those Adios are awesome, and get comments from strangers. Usually of a "Where did you get those?" variety. The answer is zappos.com, I buy most of my shoes there. Those have gotten comments too, including "Your shoes are upsetting my epilepsy."

There's a new kind of Full Throttle. It's called Full Throttle Mother (as in "nature is one bad"). Green can. The flavor is acai berry. It's sort of... almost good, but a little too woodsy. It tastes minty or spicy, and you have to remind yourself that it's a berry flavor. I'm a huge huge fan of energy drinks, I'll try anything I haven't seen before, but their marketing is insanely stupid. Nature is one bad mother? Fuck you. I saw it in a liquor store. Liquor stores always have weird shit that nobody else has. I've still never seen the Monster M-80 anywhere but liquor stores. That one's some sort of tropical juice blend. My all time favorite energy drink is Amp Overdrive.

I have over twenty pairs of shoes. I seriously think it might be a fetish. I dunno... I'm about to buy a new pair too. Licensed Circle Jerks Vans... how can I not buy those?

That's what I thought about Marilyn Manson and Slayer.

I've got a serious problem. I don't think I can listen to "Like A Prayer" without crying anymore. It's like kryptonite; when I start acting a fool, play Madonna on a boombox over your head like John Cusack in Say Anything and I'll weep.

Fracas. The other opening band was Teenage Harlets, who were actually really good. If anybody wants to listen to local bands from places they aren't from (I do that), try them.

I don't miss school at all. I kind of wish I went to boarding school, though. Seems like it would have been more fun.