Nighthawk

Whoa, I've read Kristy's Great Idea.

Well look, regular soda is full of empty calories, so opting for diet, even if you're eating some bacon burgers with it, is at least making some difference. Regarding McDonald's though, I don't like this anti- fast food movement that treats McDonald's as on par with tobacco companies. People act like you're going to keel over and die if you have one McNugget. Those black dudes in Super Size Me, who were like "Yeah, I'm going to McDonald's right now. Just do some pushups." were actually totally right. Fucking health Nazis make me sick. Find something important to care about. I'm a little pudgy from being an alcoholic, but I've eaten McDonald's for years, sworn off fast food just cause I don't particularly enjoy the taste, and it hasn't affected my weight much at all. Maybe I'm just lucky, though.

Makes them feel better about eating so much, what's hard to understand?

Go for a really nerdy reference that if people don't get it, will just seem totally non sequitur. I do things like this for all occasions. I suggest "The Cosmic Yellow's Got Me By the Brain Banana".

That's an old man story. You've changed, man. Come back when you threw a cat on it.

I'll say cigarettes in bed and whiskey at dawn.

Here's the secret In n Out menu I found online: See, that's just far too cutesy for me, it's like the Soup Nazi working at Jack Rabbit Slim's. But the Neopolitan shake, that actually does sound pretty good. And since I really don't care for their fries, I might try them in the variations seen here. Knowing this might also contribute to why In n Out pays a little better than you'd think. $10 an hour I believe, not bad for fast food. But if you've seen them in a rush, they earn it without any secret knowledge. I wouldn't work there for 15 an hour.

I know this is a delayed response, but as I was doing a bunch of Murderface quotes with some friends, I got to think that while I personally enjoy it consistently, I've heard a few people say it's uneven. I think what's good is that when it's not particularly funny, it's still just out and out brutal. That's still cool. Like Nathan choking out their son while claiming hug therapy, or Toki's "Get some ding dongs, fatty tits!" (probably the meanest thing he's ever said, besides the Dethkids episode). I honestly can't pick a favorite out of that band.

I've become an asshole who won't mosh at a metal show. I stand in the back and snobbily nod my head. I moshed for Dethklok and that's it.

Yeah, for real. I'm surprised anyone believed it, considering A) I probably wouldn't want to post on a message board, B) I'd be ashamed that it happened, considering I'd just claimed I had drinking under control, and C) I had just said I was going to write a fake addiction memoir. You want real douchbaggery? I think I'll dump that girl I just mentioned for this other girl. You see, there are two women in my life, and I love one when I'm drunk, and one when I'm sober. I have two lovers, and I ain't ashamed. Two lovers and I love them both the same. And ok, I'm ready to stay sober for a while... let's say three months. It's a random number from a Simpsons reference, but it'll do. Well, I'm going to get drunk tonight, but after that. Last time, I tried two months and made it one and a half. Used to be I couldn't make it 3 days. Getting better. Probably should totally quit. Maybe I'll make it there someday.

I can't believe I forgot Bushwick Bill! He's even higher than Bridget. Tonight I went to the Castro Theater and saw The Man Who Laughs with Conrad Veidt (inspiration for the Joker). A good time, pretty alright flick. The Castro is a beautiful theater, and they had live wurlitzer accompaniment, and that shit was spectacular. This was part of a silents festival, so it was an arty (and of course gay) crowd. They hissed at the villain and all. Since I won't worry about spoiling a movie from 1928, the villain is killed by a dog, and the dog's name is Homo. The crowd loved that. I should have a dog named Homo, because 1) it's awesome, 2) it's a reference to the silent film inspiration for the Joker, as well as Victor Hugo, and 3) when he's bad, you can say "No Homo!"

A lot of candy is bad for me because of how fucked up some of my teeth are. I mean, I could get maybe three of them pulled and it'd be fine, but with them in there, it's torture. Best example is Butterfinger. It's my favorite candy bar, but I can't eat it, the texture is just hell. My dad's the same way, he also loves Butterfinger, but his teeth are also all messed up and he can't eat it (or used to be, he has partials now). He said that's why they invented Butterfinger Crisp, and that's true. Don't even talk to me about Abba Zabba either... even with healthy teeth, I couldn't eat that shit. The worst candy is the orange marshmallow shaped like a big peanut, and marshmallow peeps. I just don't like marshmallows at all.

Hm, you know, reading this I actually just drew up a quick draft of my favorite midgets. This is probably wrong, as I shouldn't have a list of like, my favorite black people or something. Bridget the Midget wins by a country mile, but I think Billy Barty is second. Verne Troyer is dead last.

Me too! Being drunk is what did it. After breaking up with her because I was neurotic and cynical, I got drunk and decided "No, fuck that, I'm in love with her." I called her up and DEMANDED that she get back with me, amidst a flurry of bizarre references to fistfighting a shark and doing a Heath Ledger impression. That's why I can't hate drinking, it forced me to be honest about how badly I wanted to be with her. That's actually the exact reason I've been drinking so much lately.

I also just noticed that this is a lyric from the Bravery. What a douchebag! I'm still piecing together everything I said last night. I'm honestly scared to look at my text message outbox, because I can be so bad about that. At least I no longer actually call anyone. Oh well, my true friends are all well acquainted with "That's just Dave being Dave." but casual acquaintances can sometimes get scared or disgusted. I've got a notebook (a Hello Kitty notebook actually), that I use to jot down ideas for projects I have. Some pretty intense stuff in here. A drawing of Rorschach from Watchmen surrounded by Dethklok lyrics. Full page portrait of Britney Spears. Head shots of the Beatles with the background being the word "baby" written over and over again.

Plus I actually think the Michelle Pfieffer version was sort of untouchably good.

Yeah, when you miss, just go whenever you want.

This is interesting, as I've thought for a while that you are one of the posters here I have the most in common with. You, JSYK, KOAN and possibly Leena, except I'm much hotter than her.

Yeah, there isn't one near here. The closest is like 40 minutes away. And it absolutely is not overrated. At all. The thing to know about In n Out is that a lot of the reason it's so popular is people ordering shit in weird ways that aren't on the menu, like 4x4 and Animal Style and what not. I think the whole thing is a little faggoty, I don't do it. They're just good burgers. Sub par fries. Good shakes. And that's the entire menu. You can be in line for like half an hour sometimes. Now that, my friends, is overrated. Well worth it if you go during off hours, though.

I think the best part was you asking what I was doing, and I said making spaghetti, and you said "Oh, I have really good advice about making spaghetti... it's really important. Ok, are you ready? Are you ready for this? Seriously, you have to pay close attention... Ok... Really good advice... Seriously... Are you ready... ok... no really... Don't overcook it."

While, rest assured, I feel like a complete asshole for saying that, it's a good small example of what I mean about making it seem worse than it is. "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if I said I was fine and then I died right after?" Not really.

I do this off and on. That's basically where I'm at. I quit over and over as a running gag. Like "I will never touch a drop of alcohol again! ... For three months."

You guys, that was an almost word for word copy from the first sentence of A Million Little Pieces. I live in Northern California, we don't have fire escapes.

I fell down a fire escape face first tonight. I'm missing my four front teeth, there's a hole in my cheek, my nose is broken, and my eyes are nearly swollen shut. I don't know how I got here or why, but if you gave me back all those years, I'd do it all better, I swear. I might not be back for a few days. The ambulance is here.

Really, yeah, Tubular Bells opens with the theme from the Exorcist and over the next hour or so transitions into "The Sailor's Hornpipe". That is some badass shit. And naming the instruments when they come in? That's hardcore.