Metal Ed

Hell yeah! I'd have to get that voice replaced, though. I ain't too cool about having Mr. Feeny talkin to me when I'm driving. I'd probly try to get Ronnie James Dio to talk for the car. That'd be bitchin'. I might could finally win that car contest up at the state fair if I could get KITT. Ain't no one else up there got a talking car except for Leroy and his mostly just cusses.

Congrats, dude. When Wanda had her baby--it wasn't mine so far as I know, even though she did try to get me to go on "Maury Povich"--I sent little Delbert a copy of South of Heaven and a six pack of Pabst. Ain't never too early to get em started, you know what I mean?

I didn't have much control over what Percy did round here. Dude was probly about 275 and always naked. If he's going for the Rock Box, I ain't gettin in his way. I mostly tried to hide it from him. I'm startin to get sorta nervous talking about him, so I'm gonna leave off here. I really hope that dude don't never get out. I don't know nothing about your second question. I pretty much just suggest you get her some Pabst and show her how American dudes rock. You could get her some Fosters, too. It don't matter, just so long as she's pretty drunk.

I ain't too big on Nirvana. I listened to 'em for a little while and thought they were pretty bitchin', but I kinda let off once I saw the way they keep their hair. I ain't no queer or nothin, but I can't really respect no dudes that don't take care of the hair God gave 'em. That's why I ain't listen to them much. Led Zep is pretty damn bitchin', though. Always get me to bangin' my head real good. I ain't too big on that "Stairway to Heaven," though. That's pretty much a pussy song for chicks. Metal Ed ain't no chick. I ain't never even heard of Hole. That ain't David Coverdale's new band, is it?

Metal Ed would always be a pretty rockin' dude. The mullet is mostly to attract the chicks and basically send the message to the rest of the world that I'm a rocker. I wouldn't wanna do without it or nothing. I got some of that male pattern baldness, though, and I'll probly shave it off once it gets to the middle of my head. I ain't lookin like that Devon Crosby dude.

I ain't got no real problem with faggots or nothin. As long as they ain't all feeling up on Metal Ed, it's cool. And man, it's Rob Halford! Rob FUCKING Halford! Dude would have to kill a bus full of puppies and orphans for me to respect him any less. Shit, I'd probly like him more then. He'd do it, too, the crazy homo. I got one of them special brushes that are real gentle on the hair. Cost me $75, too, so I didn't eat too much that week. It was worth it, though, cuz I got the best mullet in Wisconsin. I won a contest and everything. It was pretty cool. I had a big ol' one of them Farrah Fawcet nipple posters. That was probly the biggest one. My momma made me take it down when she caught me humping the wall, though. After that, the biggest one was probly the Iron Maiden poster. Had that big freaky monster dude playing the guitar. It was totally bitchin, man. I'm saving up for one of them blacklights right now so I can see my Hendrix and 'shroom posters the way they was intended to be seen. That's pretty much my next big investment.

Lita Ford on account of them Nelson chicks being dudes. I got a story about how I found out they weren't chicks, but I don't feel much like tellin it. Metal Ed's got his pride.

Man, you come up here to Wausau and Metal Ed could take you in. I done had some criminals in here before. This one big dude named Percy broke in through my window last year, saying he done killed his wife and needed some place to crash til the heat died down. I wasn't too happy about it or nothing, but I didn't wanna piss this dude off. You know? So I pretty much housed him and gave him some of my Beanie Weenies and all that. He was a pretty bitchin dude. Liked all that metal shit and everything. One thing about Percy, though, was he liked to walk around naked. That sumbitch was never wearing nothin. I eventually had to turn him in cause people round my neighborhood were getting suspicious. Not about him being a murderer or nothing, but about me being his boyfriend or some shit. I can see what they mighta been thinking. You got a handsome dude like Metal Ed and big ol' naked guy like Percy living in the same house...people gonna get suspicious. I just hope he don't never break out or nothing. Metal Ed's in a bunch of trouble then.

I don't get to see too many movies or nothin. I saw a preview for it up to the Sears in the mall when I was looking for a wrench, though, and it looked pretty decent. I might could take this chick I met up to the hospital today to see it. She's pretty hot, dude. Got some of them of them big old titties and everything. I bet she's only around 250, so that ain't too bad. I'm probly gonna ask her out next time I'm up there, so maybe she'd wanna see Swim Team. I was hopin to see one of them Freddy Krueger movies, but you can't win em all. If they ever re-release Smoky and the Bandit, though, you can bet Metal Ed'll be the first in line.

I listen to some hard rock, too. I gotta admit that I'm a pretty big fan of Kansas. The band, not the state. They ain't really metal or nothin, but they got some rockin' tunes. I put 'em up on the Rock Box and it sounds as good as most of my metal shit. Gets me to bangin' my head a little slower with a little more feeling. I ain't got no problem with that. Don't you go telling anybody that Metal Ed's a pussy, though. I'll crack your skull, dude. You can believe that.

Metal Ed doesn't see too many plays, so I didn't know nothin about that. I figure that if Sebastian Bach is involved with it, it's gotta be pretty bitchin'. Plus, I remember seeing that "Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde" movie with that dude from "Wings" and thinkin it was pretty funny. I bet it's a pretty rockin play. I don't know Wanda's number or nothin. She pretty much stopped coming around after the threeway. She's probly embarrassed or something. If you ever do have one those, I got some advice for you: Don't never do it with a dude who you ain't real sure about. Matt's pretty bitchin and all, but he's got some of them Rob Halford tendencies. He started tryin to feel on my chest, was running his fingers through my mullet and all. Metal Ed ain't no queer, though, so I punched him right in the nose. He got my message, dude, I can assure you. I don't know nothin about stuck up girls in New York or nothin. Just give 'em some Pabst and they're pretty much putty in your hands, man.

That was a pretty rough period for Metal Ed. I went from being the toast of Wausau to yesterday's news. That's all in the past, though, dude cuz metal is back in a serious way. I ain't gonna claim to be a big fan of most of this stuff, but it ain't a big deal. As long as kids everywhere are rockin' out, everything's cool. I ain't never heard that album. I think Matt told me it sucked and I was gonna buy it, but I ended up gettin some Joe Satriana instead. I don't really remember much from that period anyway. I was on some stuff. Don't never buy none of them Arcade albums, though. They suck majorly. Metal Ed used hairspray then, and continues to use it for special occasions today. I didn't wear no makeup or frilly stuff, though. Metal Ed can impress the chicks just lookin like a dude, thank you very much.

Man, there been some good ones. Eddie Van Halen gets a honorable mention for being a hard rockin' sumbitch before that Sammy Hagar bullshit, but I'm gonna have to go with Yngwie Malmsteen. Ain't no one ever shredded the axe like him, before or since. Gets me to bangin' my head like no other.

Well, that might give me something to think about. I pretty much get all my stuff from the rockin' dudes around Wausau. Matt's got one of them greenhouses and everything. It can't hurt to have some more, though. I figure I probly would take Willie Nelson's weed, but if he tried to play a banjo within 40 feet of Metal Ed, I'd have to crack his skull. Rules are rules. My, my, my! I'm once bitten, twice shy, baby! Man, that's some bitchin' stuff. I used to bang my head to that shit all the time back in 8th grade, before I dropped out. I'm cool with White Lion, too, dude. Don't get me wrong. I might go put them tapes on the Rock Box a little later. You're a pretty bitchin' dude, man. Ain't no government known to man could make Metal Ed cut his mullet. They'd have to kill me, dude. It just ain't gonna happen.

I'm willing to change my way of thinkin on anyone if they buy me booze, dude. What Kinetic did pretty much pissed me off, though, so he'd better make it a twelve pack. And none of that light shit. Metal Ed ain't got no time for that. I ain't much for that redneck bullshit. I'd probly walk across the street to crack his damn skull for making it so I can't hear my Rock Box. If any of them damn redneck country fans try to park their pickup trucks on Metal Ed's lawn, there's gonna be some trouble. I pretty much just have the jean jacket. It gets cold and everything, but Metal Ed is a pretty tough dude. I've had hypothermia a few times, but I ain't worried about it. I'd rather get sick than have people see me in some pussy snow jacket.

Ain't nothing new on the first one. People been trying to act like Metal Ed since as long as I can remember. This one dude I knew last year was all trying to be Metal Ed. He was a little sixth grader tryin to grow out his mullet, puttin a big Maiden patch on the back of his jean jacket, and all that. I pretty much just roughed him up and stole his sneakers. That was the end of that. This Metal Ted dude is cool with me, though. You can't never have too many hard rockin' metal dudes around, as far as I'm concerned. I bet that Kinetic dude ain't never fought no one. I've been fightin up here in Wausau since I was ten, so I can hold my own. I'd take that dude in one punch. Probably wouldn't even take that. He'd start runnin as soon as he saw my mullet. He ain't nothing but a pussy.

Hey, Metal Ed, answer this for me. That Kinetic fellow failed to deliver to my satisfaction in your absence. I don't use too many pick up lines or nothing. If I see a girl I like, I pretty much just go up to her and say "Hey, girl. You're pretty bitchin'. You wanna go to the demolition derby with me after you get off work?" I done been rejected a few times. I ain't gonna lie about that. But if I get a girl to go to the demolition derby, 9 times out of 10 I'm gonna get some. You just gotta make her an offer she can't refuse.

This dude ain't my brother or nothin, but I think he's pretty bitchin. He's got good taste in music, other than not likin Skid Row. I'm cool with you, dude. Just don't tell none of these people you ever beat up Metal Ed again or I'll crack your skull, dude. I ain't lying, neither.

I ain't real big on Kanyon. Remember when him and DDP got beat in that cage by Undertaker and Kane? That was bitchin'. Undertaker's probly my favorite rassler. I see a lot of myself in him.

Most of them Poison ones work pretty well. I had this one chick...she worked up to the Burger King and was all tryin to get with Metal Ed. She was pretty big. I had her up in my house one night and we'd been drinking some Pabst's. I'm blarin the Rock Box, y'know, playin some Ratt. We're all makin out, but when Metal Ed went to reach for her goods she all backs away. I didn't panic or nothin. I just went and changed the tape to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." She was pretty much putty in my hands after that. I did her.

He's talkin about that Kylee Minowogue chick, in case y'all were wondering. Metal Ed ain't real particular. The big chick up to the Stop and Go came and visited me in the hospital yesterday. I'm just layin there, minding my own business, tryin to get my doctor to plug in my Rock Box. I couldn't do it myself, since I was have some trouble standing after my head hit that cinder block. That chick comes in and she's all reachin under Metal Ed's hospital gown, tryin to get at my junk. I wasn't gonna tell her no or nothin, even though I didn't feel much like gettin it on. I just got a way with the ladies, I guess. Ain't nothing I can do about it. She all tried to drive me home and everything, too. I'm thinkin of droppin her, if you want the truth. She's startin to cramp Metal Ed's style. I probly would do that Kylee Minnowgue chick, though. I ain't never been with a skinny girl before and she's got a pretty bitchin' body. I'd bang her.

SUMUMABA... SUMUMABWA... SUMUMABITCH! I ask that bastard to answer me some questions and he comes in here and makes Metal Ed sound like a pussy. I'm a tell you somethin, Kinetic. You might think you're real smart with your high school diploma and your fancy little State of Texas driver's license, but Metal Ed ain't skeered of you. I'm a whoop your ass, son. You ain't gonna be so smart when your brains are leakin out all over the sidewalk. There's gonna be some skull crackin' goin on. Nobody tarnishes the good name of Metal Ed, dude. I got a few minutes before my medicine's gonna knock me out, so I figure I might could answer some questions. I ain't got no time for none of em. Living up here in Wausau, I've met a few of them bastards. They're always talkin about how their country is better...like how they got better syrup and a higher moose population and all. I don't take no country that calls ham bacon seriously, dude. Y'all don't know how to rock up there, either. All I heard from up in Canada is a bunch of sissy pop like the Barenaked Womens. You can't get to much headbanging with that stuff. I ain't got no time for it.

"Ice Cream Man" is on their first album. I think that one's called Van Halen. I figure you should have all of em. Maybe not some of that pussy Sammy Hagar shit, but anything with Diamond Dave oughta have you bangin' your head pretty good.

I been listening to Stryper a bunch today. Mostly "Loud N Clear." These guys are Christian or something but I still think they're pretty bitchin. Got me to bangin' my head and all.

^ In line for a major hurtin once I get all healed up from when that toaster fell on my head.