Metal Ed

I see that Owen Hart is awaiting authorization. I ain't got no authority here no more, but I don't figger we need no zombies here. Especially not no zombies got a axe to grind.

Hey, y'all remember that one feller what posted as a cat? That was pretty stupid. I know what Im talking about too cause I done had one of them gimmicks while back. I was posting as this feller called Cowlick who what liked talking about havin sex with animals and such. I thought it was pretty bitchin but them pricks up in Curnt Events thought their damn "Election 2004" thread was some kind of scared cow or something cause it done got banned. So I figger ain't no gimmick worth a damn an if i see one post in the music folder, skulls is fittin to be cracked.

I herd the news baby. All about your disease. Yeah, you may have all you want baby. But I gots something you need. Oh, yeah! AIN'T TALKING BOUT LOVE! MY LOVE IS ROTTEN TO THE CORE! AIN'T TALKING BOUT LOVE! JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU BEFORE! YEAH< BEFORE. You know your semi good looking. And on the streets again. Oh, yea you think you're really cooking baby. You better find yourself a friend. My friend. AIN'T TALKING BOUT LOVE! MY LOVE IS ROTTEN TO THE CORE! AIN'T TALKING BOUT LOVE! Just like I told you b4. B4. B4. Uh-b4. I been to the edge. I stood and looked down. You know I lost alot of friends there baby. I got no time to mess around. So if you wnat it got to BLEED FOR IT BABY. Yeah, you got to got to BLEED FOR IT BABY. Mmm, you got to got to BLEED BABY. HEYYY, you got to got to bleed baby! AIN'T TALKING BOUT LOVE! DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT LOVE! NO NEED TO TALK ABOUT LOVE! AIN'T TRYING TO TALK ABOUT LOVE~!

GWAR gets me to banging my head pretty good. My buddy Matt told me that they kill people at their conserts. They like ter 'em apart and shit and feed 'em to the World Maggot. I think that's pretty bitchin. I don't know how they get away with that shit. Do them people sign like a contract or something? Cuz I remember Whitesnake did a show and killed a bunch of people and they ain't get nothing but shit for it. Metal Ed ain't no kinda genieus or nothing, but I know a double standard when I sees one.

Yeah, I just wanted to complain because that bitch Marney done ruined that "Campain 2008" thread. I went and announced that I was running right there in that thread and she done told me that I couldn't never do it. She thought my forrieegnj policy was righteous ("bomb all them fuckers") but she dissmised my ecomonic plan like I ain't never even said nothing. I figger if I'm president, I should get one of them Lambergeeni's and some Maiden tapes and then the rest should tickle down, but she got all up in that shit. I think you should ban her. She ain't even hot or nothin.

How long do you figger chicken wings are good for? Cuz I just ate some that aint more than a week old an i got the shits like noone's busness. They was good too. I guess every rose has its thorn.

What's rockin, dudes? Been a long time since I hollered at yall. Lotta shits happened to Metal Ed since I swore off all this message board bullshit on 9/11 so i guess i could fill yall in. I got one of them big dogs, like in that move "Betoven." But i named him Yngvie and hes got like huge fucking dog balls. He's pretty bitchin. I done gave up on gettin my ged so im tryin to climb the ladder or some shit at my job at the garbage dump. i got promted to asistent manger the other day. these new dudes at the dump dont no nothing bout metal. they was rased on rap metal and shit and i fell sorry for em. dont mean i wont crack a skull if they try to play that shit when Metal Ed is working but i feel sorry for em. i got a bunch them beers that change color when they cold. yall ever see anything like that? thats some crazy shit! check out my myspace page, dudes. keep rockin that good rock!

Dont knock gimmiks, cus that stuffs harder then it looks. I had a giimik one time, a dude by the name of cowlick. the joke was that cowlick was fuckin all these animals and everytime someone mentioned an animal cowlick would get all excited. problem was that animals aint mentioned here as much as you might figger. i started this thread "gone to the zoo" as cowlick and done got banned not to long after. i shove that in the chocolate socket a couple months later and im probly a board hero. just goes to showa ya.

I feel like I can't trust no girls on the internet. These chicks are all like "I'm 13 and yer making me horny, Metal Ed" but half the time their some old dude or the feds. Thats how I got on this sex offender registery up here in Wassau. But it don't bother me none. Young chicks dig a dude whats got a criminal record.

I'm glad you asked cuz I got some real strong opinions on this pressin topic. I ain't never been the type to hold back when it comes to booze. Hell, I been arrested a few times and I ain't shy to talk about it. Fucked up thing is, here in Wisconsin they take your shoelaces before they throw you in the drunk tank. I ain't never been able to figger this one out, on account of most of the drunks I've seen in there just fall asleep after a bit. Best I can figger, they don't want you dippin your shoelaces in the commode and snappin some old drunk with it. That'll leave a welt. Anyway, I can't condone drunk driving on account of that one girl on that web site done got linked here looking like the invisible man or some shit. Metal Ed don't want that on his conshunse and neither should none of y'all. Smokers are jokers. Stay in school.

I know a lot of y'all probly expect me to come in here and talk about this show like it's the best thing since "Cops" or that one show where the dude gets hit in the nuts with a frisbee, but I really don't think it's worth a damn. I was really stoked for this shit, too. I saw the commercial when I was watchin wrestling a few weeks back and thought "Damn, dude! That looks like my kinda show!" I mean, it's got all the ingredients: A coupla hard rockin dudes, some good looking chicks, roofing, probly some bitchin music...how could it go wrong? So I got all nice and comfy on my Miller Lite blow-up chair, I put on my beer hat, I pulled out a coupla "Mullets Rule" signs I made just for the occassion, and I got primed for what I figgered was gonna be a viewing experience that would rock like no other. What I got was a gross misrepresintation of me and a lot of other hard rockin' folks like me. I mean, these dudes...they're stupid! Shit, Metal Ed ain't no genius or nothin. I dropped out after 7th grade and didn't never look back and I really only learned to read because Penthouse was gettin so many damn letters in it, but even I look like some damn Harvard pussy compared to these two dudes. Another thing I ain't too happy about is them casting that chick with the big boobies who used to be married to the dude from "Smoky and the Bandit" as those dudes mom. Now, I been around enough Mullets type dudes to know that ain't none of their moms look like that. My buddy Matt's mom got a peg leg and about twelve wooden teeth, fer instance. I ain't even gonna get into her hygiene. So while that shit may make for some interesting storylines and a coupla decent boob shots, it just ain't true to life. What I figger is they got a buncha college boys who ain't never listened to no skull crackin' metal shit in their lives to write this show and they just ran with a buncha preconceeved notions that just ain't true about dudes with mullets. How's some damn Frappucino drinkin' dude who's drivin around in his BMW and probly turning the water off when he brushes his teeth gonna know what it's like to be Metal Ed? I couldn't write no damn TV show about what it's like to wear a Cardigan sweater, and this is pretty much what that's like. So I figger what I'm gonna do is, first thing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna drive on up to UPN headquarters and start cracking some damn skulls until they take this shit off the air and replace it with something decent. Like another episode of "The Parkers," fer instance. I think that one big chick's kinda cute.

Happy birthday, dude. Bein 15 was awesome back when I was your age. That was the year when I first got some after that Cinderella concert. You oughta see if they're comin through your town, so you can take a lady to go see em. I ain't met the chick yet who can say no to ya after havin her heart melted by Cinderella. An hour of that'll loosen them britches up real nice.

A fuckass? Man, that's some stupid shit. You're lucky you didn't go to Metal Ed's school. If I'd a said called someone a fuckass, the principal woulda whooped the shit out of me for bein a geek. I saw one dude make the mistake of wearin a Alf t-shirt to school one day. I ain't got too much to say about that situation, cept the food at his funeral was pretty good. Fuckass? I oughta crack yer damn skull.

Hell yeah, dude! Now we're talkin about some REAL music. Poison and Whitesnake are bitchin, but I ain't never had no time for Bon Jovi. Buncha pussies, in my opinion. It's pretty inspirational and shit to think that that Richie Sombrero dude came to America from Guatemala without nothin and ended up bein all rich and shit, marryin Heather Locklear. But I still think he's a pussy, dude. His hair never even looked all that great. Probly my favorite band from all them was Skid Row, though. They weren't no hair band or no shit, really, but they kicked some serious ass! Ain't no pop bullshit on Slave to the Grind. I'll put on "Monkey Business" and get to bangin my head real good, even to this day. I might could sue Sebastian Bach for brain damage, I done banged my head to that shit so many times. It's fuckin bitchin, man.

Damn, dude. This is a sad day for metal heads everywhere, far as I'm concerned. I was already all upset and shit on account of that spaceship blowin up without no good footage of flamin corpses and shit. Now I hear this. But, shit, if we could get Lincoln Park and Limp Biscuit interested in space exploration, that'd be bitchin. Like killin two nerds with one stone.

I figger you're talkin about The Scorpions. They're pretty bitchin. I saw 'em with Cinderella once a few years back and they blew me away, man. I ain't never banged my head like that before. I ended up drivin in the wrong lane on the way home. I reckon that if I was on a desert island and had to eat one of 'em, I'd probably eat them, though. First of all, there's more of 'em. Second of all, Metal Ed ain't no fag, so Carmen Electra probly allow me to do a skinny chick once before I drowned or starved or whatever. I figger I'd probly crack all there skulls before it was said and done, though. Then I'd tread water and float back to shore, like I saw on Magnum P.I. this one time. I figger if a pussy like Tom Selleck can do it, ain't no reason Metal Ed can't tread water.

As far as I remember, that was Bobbie Jo from up to the Huddle House. She can't even work there no more on account of her obesity, but that's where I met her at. I went to visit her house once she was confined to that bed and things sorta escalated from there. I put some Poison on her stereo and gave her what I got to give her. I ain't gonna lie and tell ya that Metal Ed wasn't a little intimidated by her, neither. Gettin up on her was like mountin one of them big rafts at the water park. I mean, she musta been at like 390. She wasn't too mobile in bed, neither. I pretty much try to keep 'em under 300 pounds since then. I learned my lesson.

Shit, man, Metal Ed'll go with ya! Where do you live at, dude? We could make a big party out of it. I'll bring a couple of big chicks and a bag of Cheetos, you can bring a keg and maybe some weed and then buy the rest of the food and the tickets. That'd be bitchin.

It's Metal Ed, first of all. You're edging towards my list with all this Meta Ed bullshit, dude. I ain't grippin my tire iron yet, but I got one eye on it. Believe that, man. Anyway, it's pretty well known that I'm a big fan of the Crue. Way back in the day when they wore all that black leather shit and did "Shout at the Devil" and all that...that was bitchin. Then later one when they all started wearin leopard print shirts and did "Girls, Girls, Girls"...that was bitchin, too. "Dr. Feelgood" and "Kickstart My Heart" get me to bangin my head pretty good when I put 'em up on my Rock Box. A lotta people don't care much for that shit where they wore the pig masks, but I thought it was pretty bitchin. Me and Matt went to go see 'em on the "Generation Swine" tour and they tore the fuckin house down, dude. Just goes to show that just cuz you're bloated doesn't mean you can't rock out.

I ain't even gonna go so far as to call it music. Just a buncha dudes who if they ain't talkin about slicing throats and killin hos, there talkin about buyin a boat full of champagne. Don't do nothin for Metal Ed. If they was talkin about impending doom, Satan, mutilating babies, or havin a good time on Saturday night, I might reconsider.

Rockin out is a labor of love, dude. When I put some bitchin metal shit on the Rock Box and get to bangin my head pretty good...that's what I live for, man. Crackin skulls is what I have to do when punk asses go and get their names on Metal Ed's list. I'd prefer to never crack a skull, but shit's always happenin and Metal Ed can't just sit around and let people fuck with him. I have to crack skulls. Simple as that.

I'd crack his damn skull, first of all. I can't respect no dude who tries to steal another man's woman. Unless he just wants to do her. I can see the allure in that. But I figger if he's tryin to steal her from me for good, I'd definitely have to take a tire iron to the side of his head. I'd probly tie him up to some railroad tracks after that and laugh maniacally as I curl my mustache. That'd be bitchin.

This is like one of them quandries and I been in a situation like this before. Few years back, my buddy Matt won some tickets to see Better than Ezra up here in Wausau and he wanted me to go with him. I was all like, "Shit, dude, I ain't goin to see none of that sissy pop crap." I started doin some soft air strummin, like a pussy, singin "It was good...a-living with you. Wa-ah!" He told me to go fuck myself and I ended up havin to crack his skull. Matt got the last laugh, though, since he ended up hookin up with this real hot drunk chick at the show and banged her in his mom's station wagon. I seen her around town a couple times and...damn. Just...damn. She ain't even big or nothin. So I figger you oughta go to this concert, even if it is sissy bullshit. Concerts always got chicks at 'em.