Metal Ed

^ People to issue an ass whippin to once the time is right.

^ On Metal Ed's list.

TRITEC is on my list, dude. One day you're gonna hear the screech of a Trans Am's wheels and some Lynyrd Skynryd blarin' down your street. Then you'll know it's time.

He said somethin about peanuts and then I passed out. I ain't too sure what happened after that.

Ain't too much bangin necessary to drive you mad, specially when you bang it as hard as Metal Ed. I kill some brain cells, dude. I get into that shit. I start seeing stuff sometimes. I was bangin my head to some Cinderella one time and I saw Jimmy Carter ride across my living room on a seal. Swear to god, man.

You just put some of that heavy shit on your Rock Box...like some Warrant or somethin...and start bangin' your head pretty good. Get real into it. Start playin some air guitar. Thrash that shit, man. She'll see how awesome you look and be all over you, dude. She'll be beggin to borrow your Slaughter tapes, man, I'm tellin you. That's what Metal Ed does. Wanda, the big chick from up at Wal-Mart, listens to country. I ain't got no time for none of that redneck bullshit. She comes over, sees Metal Ed rockin out to his Rock Box, and she's gettin all hot, man. I got her listenin to some Def Leppard now. I figure she'll be a total convert soon.

I use a little Aqua Net every once in a while, specially when I'm gettin laid that night. Gotta have the mullet look nice when you're gettin some, know what I mean? But usually I just comb it for about 45 minutes. Get all the bugs out.

I tried to get up and grab my keys, but I fell down. I'm on a bunch of medication from when the toaster fell on my head. I can't do much of nothin. You're on my list, though, dude. Metal Ed's list is one place you don't wanna be.

See, this is the bullshit I was talkin about. Metal Ed ain't got no time for this. I'll let it pass this time, but if you ask another dumbass question I'm hoppin in my Trans Am and coming looking for ya.

I was thinking of going on that Tough Enough, man. I figure I could be a rassler. It don't look too hard or nothin. I've been trying to bulk up and everything. Been drinking lots of beer. I don't know if my head wound is gonna mess it up now.

Metal Ed ain't gonna hit a girl. Unless she asks to be hit, I guess. I punched Wanda in the chest once because she was choking on a tater tot. Didn't really help much.

That's what I'm talkin about, dude! You should come to Wausau, man. Me and Matt could show you the ropes. Probably could hook you up with the big chick up to the Wal-Mart, Wanda. We did a threeway with her, so I know she puts out. I could hook you up with some supplies from the junkyard, man. We got all sorts of shit out there.

I don't get to watch much football, since I ain't got but the one TV and it don't get such good reception. I seen some of them, though, and that Bret Favor guy is pretty bitchin. He likes to drink, just like Metal Ed.

I wasn't ignoring you, dude. I just had a bunch of questions to answer. Metal Ed is a pretty popular dude. People around here have bitchin taste. I bet they like Dokken, too.

Eddy Guerrero's mullet is all stringy. I don't spend 45 minutes in front of my Def Leppard mirror every morning for nothin...my mullet is perfect in every way. It's thick and luscious. At least that's what the big girl up to the Stop and Go told me. I don't know all them big words like that.

I figure you should just do her. That's what I'd do. I ain't too sure what you're talking bout, anyway.

You can do what you want, man. Metal Ed don't tell nobody what to do and he expects the same.

You gotta be assertful and stuff. Make em know you mean business. I usually try to play em some air guitar and take em to the buffet, but I don't know if you could do that stuff on a message board. Pretty much just be cool and chicks will notice you. The cool ones, anyway. They're usually pretty big. It can't hurt to grow a mullet, either.

Cuz I was born to rock, baby! People round here appreciate a rockin dude like Metal Ed more than most of these churchy people up in Wausau. Some dude came up here last night and tried to get me to turn my Rock Box down...I was bangin' my head and all, playin some Warrant...and I was all like, "Hey, dude. No one turns down Metal Ed's Rock Box. No one." He ran off when he saw my head wound, anyway. Pussy.

My #1 all-time most rockinest band ever is probably Skid Row. They got some bitchin' stuff, man. Quiet Riot is pretty awesome, too. I like just about anything you can think of, just as long as it keeps the Rock Box screamin', dude. Trixter is pretty bad ass, too.

Do you work at the junkyard, too, dude?! I tripped on a matress one time and landed on this little table...cut my wrists up pretty bad. I took the table home, though, and that's where I usually keep the Rock Box. Metal Ed always looks on the bright side, unless someone's fuckin' with him. Then it's time to crack some skulls, dude.

The Crue is like me, dude. We can't be killed. They got a pact with Satan, too, man. Ain't you heard "Shout at the Devil"? It's a pretty bitchin' song. Got me to bangin' my head pretty good. If some pop sissy like Paul Simon had signed a pact with Satan, he'd probaly be alive today. It ain't the Crue's fault.

I ain't got your jacket, dude. I got this jacket from my dad after the industrial accident. I figured he didn't need it no more. I put the big Maiden patch on myself, though. It's pretty bitchin'.

I ain't sure what her name is. They got these nametags up to the Stop and Go that are all green...I can't even read em. I figure I'll ask her after we get done doin' it.

Let Metal Ed help you out, dude. Any time one of my friends starts gettin out of line, I just start whalin' on the sumbitch. Ain't nothin bring two guys closer than fightin. You bust up his nose, he cracks your ribs. You two go up to the hospital together, your friendship is gonna be good as new. You might could skip town together to avoid the doctor bills. That's what me and Matt did. True story.