Metal Ed

I haven't wrote much since I dropped out in 9th grade, but my buddy Matt asked me to do something for his metal zine, Damage Inc. so I figured I'd help him out. Tell me what y'all think: THE LEGEND OF THE ROCK BOX by Edward James Bonham III The year is 1993. In a Sanyo factory in Japan, a series of generic jukeboxes come off of an assembly line. The factory workers stare intently at one such jukebox, not sure what to make of it. "Hoy chi wang eechi chow wack looie che pow won," they say in unison. In English, that means "Whoa, dude. That's one rockin' box." For you see, this was no ordinary jukebox. It was what they would call "defective," but a rockin' dude like Metal Ed would call a "Rock Box." Through some freak accident, it came off the assembly line with no volume knob. As a result, it was always set at the maximum volume level...perfect for teeth-shakin', skull-crackin' rock action. The jukebox was then shipped to America, where it wound up in Wausau, Wisconsin's one and only Wal-Mart. It's lack of a volume knob made it undesirable to most consumers and it sat unwanted and unloved until August 13th, 1993. That's the day that Metal Ed--having pocketed some cash being a bystander to an unsuccessful convenience store robbery--came looking for a new box from which to blare his tunes. There it sat...in the electronics department, softly glowing and humming at Ed. He noticed that the defect had put it squarely in his price range and permitted himself to fall in love. Its shape was similar to that of a woman, although Ed didn't notice that until he lost his virginity in this: car in 1996. He purchased the box, christened it the Rock Box, and the rest was history. With the exception of it eating a Candlebox tape in 1994--which was pretty much deserved, as they rocked nowhere near hard enough to deserve a place in his Rock Box--its service has been loyal. The Rock Box continues to function to this day. The best part: I'm Metal Ed. Metal Ed is me. And that Rock Box? All mine. And it's totally bitchin'. The End

I don't know no Guy Stokes, but I bet I could take him. People are always trying to fight Metal Ed because of his mullet and pact with Satan. I take them all on, dude. No one in Wausau can beat Metal Ed in a fist fight, except for Randy the car mechanic. He's a pretty big dude.

Yeah, man. That SwimChick is one weird broad. I think she wanted Metal Ed, though, dude. She was getting pretty hot there towards the end.

^ I'll crack your skull, man.

^ Has good taste. Don't get all lovey dovey with Metal Ed, though. I already told you I'm all man.

^ Knows Metal Ed well. I'm damned right down to my black, hard rockin' soul, baby! Whoo!

Aw, man. The Crue was so awesome, too. Dr. Feelgood was playing in my Trans Am the night I became a man. I still got a bunch of their shirts, too. This is a total bummer, dude. MOTLEY CRUE FOREVA, MAN! ROCK AND ROLL!

^ No shit, man? You like Trixter, too?

^ Keeps talking about the Rock Box. I don't know what his deal is.

I talked to that SwimFan chick. She was pretty weird, dude. MetalEd: Hey, dude. Swimfan4u: u have got my full attention. Can I help u? MetalEd: You rocking hard over there? Swimfan4u: Yep. MetalEd: Me, too. I got that new Def Leppard. It's bitchin. Swimfan4u: I'm glad we agree, you.When?Who said MetalEd: What? Swimfan4u: No big deal... MetalEd: You don't blow off Metal Ed like that. I'll crack your skull. Swimfan4u: Do you? blow off Metal Ed like that? What's your purpose in asking? Swimfan4u: I spend all my time online.How do you plan to do this? MetalEd: I'll get in my Trans Am and go door to door if I have to. Swimfan4u: How do you plan to do this? MetalEd: Well, damn. I get inside the rockin' beast, referred to by some as "the hummer" because I got a blowjob in there once after a Cinderella concert, and find you. Then I start laying in the boots. MetalEd: Whatever u say damnWhere did you get it?So what else do u want 2 know?Interesting deduction. Are u in high school? MetalEd: I dropped out in ninth grade. Teachers tried to get me to cut my mullet, dude. I said "Nobody cuts Metal Ed's mullet." That was pretty much the end of it. Plus, I attacked my Shop teacher. Swimfan4u: What else can I tell u?So what else do u want 2 know?What did you mean by Swimfan4u: ? Swimfan4u: Swimfan4u: Swimfan4u: Okaaayyy... What else is on your mind?My teachers r great, but I think Mr. Kaufman is my fav...he's my music teacher. MetalEd: My music teacher didn't teach me nothing but a bunch of sissy classical stuff. I tried to bring some Slaughter in there once and he confiscated my Rock Box. I guess I mighta attacked him, too. Swimfan4u: Your music teacher did not teach him or her nothing but a bunch of sissy classical stuff?I'm not sure if I would like to try Swimfan4u: . What's it like? Swimfan4u: Swimfan4u: MetalEd: Bunch of pianos and violins and shit. I was like "Where's the guitar, man? That would have been the perfect spot for a bitchin' solo!" I hated school, man. MetalEd: What else do u wanna talk about?Where were you ?Perhaps it would.Intersting.What else can I tell u? MetalEd: Do you like stonewashed denim? I got some on right now and they're bitchin, man. I'll probly get laid tonight. Swimfan4u: I love horses. I like to talk about movies and music.When?Do you think your plan will succeed? MetalEd: Depends on if that one big chick is up at the Stop and Go tonight. She's been making eyes at Metal Ed. I can tell. Swimfan4u: Really now that is an interesting fact I hadn't heard before.Really? somebody is been making eyes at Metal Ed.What makes it so obvious? MetalEd: She gets that real hungry look in her eyes, like when I took her to the buffet. She was looking at Metal Ed like I was some mashed potatos with cheese, man. So, yeah. I'll probably do her. Not in the Trans Am, though, cuz I just had it reupholstered. Swimfan4u: Really? somebody gets that real hungry look in her eyes like when he or she took her to the buffet.What happened to her?Really. Um....not to change the subject, but do u know Ben Cronin?Do you think your plan will succeed?Where then? MetalEd: I don't know no Ben Cronin. You're a pretty confusing chick. Swimfan4u: Would you like to know? Swimfan4u: Swimfan4u: U think? Yep.. someone said I'm a hottie! Am I a confusing chick? Only when it matters. MetalEd: That don't make a damn lick of sense, either. You like to swim? We got one of them rivers around here and I go swimming in it sometimes. People talk like it's contaminated, but I just figure that's more room for me to swim. Metal Ed can't be killed. Swimfan4u: totally.No I can't swim. Ben's great though.Totally :)People rock.Only just? You?Cool. Ask me another questions MetalEd: What the hell? All right...what do you think of Trixter? I had them up in my Rock Box the other day and I thought they were pretty righteous. Got me to bangin' my head pretty good. Swimfan4u: Heaven.Alright. how should i know?Cool. Ask me another questions :)Try asking the Milk Mystic. MetalEd: Man, this isn't making any sense. Metal Ed don't have time for this. I'm leaving. ROCK AND ROLL FOREVA, BABY!

I don't know nothing about most of these people, but I figure Metal Ed deserves some sort of mention. I haven't been here long, but it's been a pretty hard rocking twelve hours.

^ Has a picture of Batman for his avitar. I got all them Batman movies on tape and I think they're pretty good. Ain't got a VCR, though.

These people need to rock harder, man. I watched ten minutes of that American Idol a few weeks ago and I didn't know what was going on. This English guy was being all mean and Paula Abdul was dancin around and stuff. I thought I was maybe having one of those weird episodes I get every once in a while. Then I realized that the show just sucked, so I put some Foreigner in the Rock Box and turned that shit off. ROCK AND ROLL FOREVA, BABY!

I saw that Avril Laveene on the MTV the other day. She had some socks on her arms, which I thought was pretty weird. When I saw her and her band, I thought the song was gonna be all hard and everything. I was in full-on headbang position and everything, poised and ready. Then it was some damn sissy pop crap. I felt betrayed, man. I'd still do her, though.

^ Likes Saved by the Bell. Only thing I liked about that show was Slater's hair, personally.

^ Better not have been inside Metal Ed's room.

Skid Row-Slave to the Grind Matt finally came back over and gave 'em to me. Metal Ed's gonna smoke some hash, take two Advil, and get to bangin' my head in just a second. I gotta wash my Trans Am sometime today, too, though. Better try to stay conscious.

^ Likes the Beatles. They ain't hard enough for my Rock Box, but I appreciate what they done for music.

My full name is Edward James Bonham III, but everyone's called me Metal Ed since sixth grade. I was born and raised in Wausau, Wisconsin and I'm still rockin' there today. I ain't sure what else you want to know. You showed some interest in Metal Ed, though, and I appreciate it so I went back and read some of those links in your thing below the line there. I don't know nothing about none of that music--seems like it's probably sissy pop stuff, which don't get within a half mile radius of Metal Ed's Rock Box--but your writing is pretty good. Metal Ed don't get to read much, but I likes what I likes. Most of that other stuff at this website is too long for me, man. Your stuff is definitely more up my alley, lengthwise. If that's not what you meant by "I like him," though, know this: Nobody and nothing goes up Metal Ed's alley lengthwise. I'm all man.

Dokken- "Unchain the Night" I found this in my dad's cassette collection the other day. He can't listen to nothing since the industrial accident, so I figured it's as good as mine. It got me to bangin' my head pretty good. The Rock Box didn't eat it up or nothing, like that time when I tried to play a Candlebox tape on it, so I figure I'll keep listening to it until Matt brings my SKid Row tapes back.

I smoke menthols, mostly because they make your throat feel good. I have to do a lot yelling down at the junk yard and most of the time over my Rock Box, so I try to keep my throat good. A lot of people are keeping an eye on Metal Ed, so I'm not going to mention anything else I may smoke. Just don't go peekin' in the right pocket of my jean jacket.

I think your thread is pretty bitchin'. They really oughta name that rabbit. We had a rabbit once and couldn't think up a name for him, so we just called him Mr. Rabbit. He died after about six weeks of no one feeding him. I can see why that hasn't happened to the cartoon rabbit, though.

I get some weird stares, man. It might be because of the length of my mullet (I'm hoping for sixteen inches by November) but most of the rock dudes round here have 'em even longer than I do. Usually I get weird stares because I keep the Rock Box up to 10 at all times. You should see how those cops look at me. It don't have a volume knob, though, and Metal Ed doesn't mind how loud it is. One of those cops tried to get in there and turn it down with a pair of tweezers, man. I woulda decked the guy if they didn't already have me cuffed. Nobody fucks with Metal Ed's Rock Box and gets away with it.

I knew a real preppy girl named Megan who I thought was hot. She didn't like me, though. I ran over her dog on my hummer. I didn't mean to or anything, but I didn't feel bad about it. Her parents used to always complain about how loud I played my Rock Box, since they lived next door. I told them it didn't have a volume knob so there wasn't nothing I could about it. Even if it did, nobody makes Metal Ed turn down his Rock Box. Nobody.

I just want you all to know that Metal Ed supports this endeavour 100%. I used to watch "Married With Children" with my dad before the industrial accident and that show was bitchin', man. That Al Bowden guy was hilarious.