King Cucaracha

*Cut to a local pro shop.* Thunderkid walks in the door, as the bell on top rings. TK walks to his right, towards a wall of golf clubs. He examines the drivers, then walks through the store. He starts looking at weight belts, when he spots Quentin Benjamin on the other side of the table. BENJAMIN Well, I guess we had the same idea! I'm assuming you've entered Brock's match, too. TK That's right. BENJAMIN *grabs a belt* Well, just know, that in ten days at School's Out, one of these is gonna be whippin' your behind all over the schoolhouse! TK kind of grins at Benjamin, then walks over to the baseball bats. Benjamin starts to sneak up on him with the belt, and TK quickly turns around with the bat. Benjamin backs off, long enough for Charlie Moss to blast TK over the back with a hockey stick! TK tries to fight back from the ground, but Team Heyross stomps away! The camera cuts over to the fitting room, where Jumbo jumps out in a karate outfit, with an orange belt tied around his head, and does a karate pose, before spotting the skirmish and coming to TK's aid! It's a 2-on-2 brawl, until police show up at the scene and get the four men separated! *Cut back to Sofa Central* COACH Oh man, I can't WAIT for that Heartland match at School's Out! COLE No doubt about it, Coach, it's going to be exciting! Moving on, though...... “EXCUSE ME!” COLE Uh....up next......what the hell is, oh great. COACH YES! The camera pans to the entrance way as the fans’ jeers get louder as everyone recognizes the voice. “I DEMAND your attention!” The fans continue booing as CRYSTAL, with the big man GUNNER SHARPS, makes her way to the ring with a microphone in hand. CABOOSE Oh boy… CRYSTAL Do you people not realize that you are living a moment in history? You people get to hear the first real interview from the greatest female wrestler in OAOAST history in about 4 months! COLE That’s debatable…we’ve had many great female wrestlers in OAOAST. COACH Puh-leeze Cole! Mah baby gurl is the only female OAOAST Heavyweight Champion! No competition. CRYSTAL The honour of interviewing my re-debut can only go to one person. Only one person can handle such a task, and only one person deserves this opportunity! COLE I had no idea Crystal feels so highly about one of our colleagues… CRYSTAL And that person is…GUNNER SHARPS! COLE …nevermind. The fans are madly jeering already, and the “interview” hasn’t even started yet. GUNNER So Ms. Crystal Adams, where have you been during your much needed break and why come back now? CRYSTAL A much needed break it was! See, running off the women’s division was tough work. I had to pull many a string to get those wannabes deserted in HI-OH, or whatever that shit-hole federation is called in Japan. Instead of stepping in my spotlight, little Jenny is rotting away in Japan. Have fun being a big fish in a very, very small fishbowl Jenny! I wish I could take credit for that skank Alix and that tight ass, supposed liberated feminist Krista but hey, that was just good timing. Now who’s the only dominant female that is not whoring themselves out of the ring for a man? GUNNER Why, I believe that is you Crystal! CRYSTAL Right you are! There is truly only room for one timeless female talent, and that certainly doesn’t include a division of wannabes and a comedy tag team. Crystal will be the dominant female on HeldDown until the day I retire. GUNNER Why go after the 24/7 Title? CRYSTAL What better way to make an impact? There’s nothing like gold to have people take notice. See, I don’t need to be the “hardest worker”. In my younger days, I did because I felt that was the only way to get noticed. But in my wiser age now? I’ll leave the hard work to the Zack Malibus, Leon Rodezs and all of them. All I need is my brain, and let me tell you Gunner, it’s a valuable tool. While all the idiots are working oh-so very hard to gain the approval of you idiots… “BOOOO!” CRYSTAL …and to gain gold, I just have to have a perfect plan and BAM! I’m a champion. Now Gunner, let me ask you a question, one you have been asked all week! Why be the body guard of the Crown Jewel of OAOAST? GUNNER Well Crystal, it’s quite simple. I’ve been ignored long enough, and an old friend of mine, who just happens to be the most talented wrestler in the wrestling world today, offered me a way back, and a nice sum of money later, she had herself a deal. As long as I’m around Crystal, no one will get their hands on that 24/7 title around your waist. CRYSTAL Gunner, you flatter me so much! Okay then, let’s bring out the first challenger for my precious 24/7 Title. And Gunner will be here at ringside to make sure there is no funny business. COLE Yeah, I’m so sure that’s what he’s there for… COACH Oh the lack of faith you have Cole! CUE: “Temperature” by Sean Paul “YEAHHHH!” There is no fancy pyro for The Marv today, and he looks cautious coming down to the ring. Well, wouldn’t you be with Gunner right there? BUFFER Now residing in Laguna Beach, California, he weighs in at 185 pounds, he is THE MARV of the SK8TER BOIZ! “MARV! MARV! MARV!” BUFFER And his opponent, being seconded by Gunner Sharps, residing in Coquitlam, B.C., she weighs in at 155 pounds, she is the 24/7 Champion and the claimed Crowned Jewel of the OAOAST, she is CRYSTAL! DING! DING! DING! COLE Now, here’s a test for Crystal. She hasn’t been in the ring since Feburary, and The Marv is not someone to be taken lightly. He’s a bit stronger than Crystal and is just as fast, if not faster. But, Crystal does have a nearly unmatched technique and has the muscle of Gunner Sharps behind her. The two competitors circle each other and go for the ‘ol collar-and-elbow lockup and The Marv gets an advantage and gets a wristlock on Crystal. Crystal reverses with a tested and true roll through and kip up, which the Marv nearly immediately reverses with a neat handspring reversal and has Crystal in a hammerlock. Crystal struggles for a minute before reversing with a drop toe hold and rolls to lock on an armbar. The Marv stands up in it, forcing Crystal up to, and performs a beautiful armdrag! Before he can capitalize, she is on the ropes, telling him to back off. CRYSTAL STOP CHEATING! This is suppose to be a CLEAN fight! Rolling his eyes, the Marv backs up. Crystal gets away from the ropes and beckons for Marv to lock up again. When Marv goes for it, Crystal ducks him and goes straight into a waistlock, complete with a waistlock takedown. She cinches on a headlock, which Marv muscles his way up on his feet with on. He grabs her wrist and reverses into a top wristlock and tries to muscle Crystal down to a bridge. However, being the sneaky little you know what that she is, Crystal prevents it from pulling his luscious locks and putting him flat on his back. However, she makes the mistake of gloating to the jeering crowd and doesn’t have time to react as the Marv scissors his legs around Crystal’s head and performing a lightning quick headscissors! The momentum rolls Crystal out of the ring and into the, erm, comforting arms of Gunner. The Marv goes to go after his competitor to win the 24/7 Title, but the ref prevents it. CRYSTAL BACK OFF PUNK! Crystal whispers something in Gunner’s year before getting back in the ring and getting in Marv’s face. She pushes him and hammers him with a hard forearm! He comes back with a big punch of his own! Crystal looks shocked and gets back in his face with a finger pointed. CRYSTAL YOU JUST HIT A GIRL! *SLAP!* “Ohhhhh!” COLE Crystal just slapped the taste out of Marv’s mouth! CABOOSE Get her! Crystal grabs the ref and puts him in between her and a now enraged Marv before shoving him into Marv and sprinting out of the ring. Before Marv can chase her, Gunner is up on the apron talking trash to Marv and preventing him from going past him. Gunner distracts him long enough for Crystal to sneak behind Marv. Marv turns around into a vicious clothesline! COLE Give the devil her due, but Crystal, for someone her size, throws a hell of a clothesline. When you have the technique she does, it’s almost as good as having brute strength. Crystal slowly brings up Marv and connects with some vicious knees to the face! She then sends him to the ropes and connects with a back elbow to the jaw. She goes for the pin, but only gets a one count. After scolding the referee to count faster, she sends the Marv to the corner and runs after him, connecting with a hard flying forearm. The Marv slumps the ground and Crystal nonchalantly chokes him with her boot. At the four, Crystal lets go, before giving a b-r-utal knee to the face before choking him for another 4 seconds. COACH This is what Crystal was talking about earlier. She’s being smart! Instead of expending a whole lot of energy, she’s wearing her opponent down with a simple foot to the throat. Brilliant! CABOOSE Yeah, no one has EVER thought of that one before. Crystal drags Marv up by the hair and signals for one more time and whips Marv to the opposite corner, but he reverses and Crystal goes crashing chest first into the turnbuckle, stumbling back to a rollup. 1! 2! Kickout! Crystal gets up right away and goes for a clothesline, but Marv ducks and pins her in a backslide! 1! 2! Kickout! Both get up at the same time, and Marv goes to grab Crystal, but she uses her nails and attempts to scratch his eyes out. As he’s holding his face in pain, Crystal runs the ropes and connects with a straight kick in the head! He stumbles down on his ass, and Crystal picks him back up, wrings his arm, and does a picture perfect Northern Lights Suplex! 1! 2! Kickout! Crystal looks slightly annoyed with the 2 count, but prevents herself from complaining and picks Marv up, only to snapmare him back down. She grabs his shoulders and does 5 quick knees to his back in succession. Crystal runs the ropes and Marv gets a dropkick to the back! Crystal throws him on his back and covers. 1! 2! Kickout! Crystal now is looking a little more annoyed and yells at the ref and bit before picking Marv back up and whipping him to ropes, going for a spinning heel kick. Marv ducks and comes back from the second rope with a cross body! 1! 2! Kickout! Crystal stumbles up as Marv gives some solid punches before going back and running towards Crystal, but Crystal sees it coming and launches him over the top rope she’s near. But Marv lands on the apron and turns Crystal around to punch her some more. When she is good and dazed, Marv holds on to the top rope and with the leverage, does a modified pele kick! Crystal stumbles back the middle of the ring and Marv springboards from the top rope and rolls over Crystal and has Crystal trapped in a sunset flip! 1! 2! Kickout! Gunner nearly cries in relief as Crystal barely kicks out of the pin. He decides that action needs to be taken as Marv runs the ropes, and trips the Sk8er Boi up. Marv gets right back up and kicks Gunner in the face through the first and second rope. But he made the carnal mistake of turning his back on Crystal, who takes advantage of the situation once more a delivers a soon to be renamed Edge-o-matic! COACH That move BETTER be renamed! I just said that Coach! Geesh. Anyways, instead of going for the cover Crystal poses for her fans (who are showering with chants of “CRYSTAL SUCKS!”) and in a very cocky matter, drags up Marv and hooks him up in a front face lock and screams “IT’S OVER!”. COACH She’s going for the Newton’s Law! COLE Newton’s Law, which is also known as the OrangeCrusher, isn’t a move Crystal goes for often. CABOOSE But Marv still outweighs her, even if it isn’t by that much. Crystal lifts up Marv with ease, looking to finish the match, only for Marv to slip behind her and give her an inverted DDT and knock them both down! COLE What a reversal! Whoever gets up first has a distinct advantage here! COACH C’mon Crystal!!! 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! Both Marv and Crystal are stirring… 7! Crystal is up… 8! And so is the Marv! Crystal charges Marv for a clothesline, but he ducks! She rebounds off the ropes only to be met with a textbook leg lariat! She stumbles up to a kick in the gut and snap suplex! The Marv keeps the front face lock, runs towards the corner, and takes Crystal down once more with a tornado DDT! 1! 2! 2.5! Kickout! Not discouraged, Marv picks up Crystal, only to be met with a cheap poke in the eye by Crystal! She then runs the ropes and performs a tilt-a-whirl head scissors…only for it to be turned into a tilt-a-whirl powerbomb by the one and only Marv! 1! 2! 2.5! Kickout! COACH That was way too fast counting! CABOOSE Aw Coach, you’re just upset that your girl underestimated Marv! Marv signals that it is indeed the end, as he sets up for the G-Spot Jiggy, but Crystal elbows her way out of it and gives a hard boot in the gut followed by a snappy fisherman suplex! 1! 2! 2.5! Kickout! Crystal, irate, yells at the referee to “graduate from Grade 1 and learn to count to three” and ascends the top rope to goes for…who knows what. COLE She could be going for anything here, as Crystal knows her way in the air. Instead of going for something right away, she takes her time, which proves to be her down fall as Marv sprints up to meet her day and knock her down in a sitting position. He jumps up and hits a hurricanarana…only to have Crystal not go down with him because Gunner was holding onto her! Marv lies limply on the mat as Crystal quickly shakes the cobwebs and hits her long time move, the Diamond in the Rough! 1! 2! 3! DING! DING! DING! BUFFER And your winner, and still the 24/7 champion…CRYSTAL! “BOOO!” COLE If it wasn’t for that damn Gunner, The Marv could have very well won that title! COACH But what did Crystal say earlier? It’s all about the brains baby! Gunner hoists Crystal up on his shoulder, reminiscing of Liz and Savage, except much less romantic and much less touching. We fade to commercial on a close up of the 24/7 Title and a smirking Crystal. Fade to black?

Bah, beat me to it on Punk/Delirious. Arik Cannon vs. Chris Hero from the IWA:MS Ted Petty Invitational 2005 needs to be on there. Also, Styles/Danielson/Joe from the 2004 TPI is a great match. I hear good things about AJ Styles vs. Matt Sydal at Simply The Best 5. Also, you can't have an indy clip tape without Joe/Necro at Something To Prove. Claudio vs. Mike Quackenbush, either CHIKARA Negative Balance or CHIKARA Running In The Red. There's the CHIKARA Torneo Cibernetica from The Cibernetica Returneth, but it's in the 100 minute range, so not ideal for a comp tape. From PWG, I personally like Super Dragon vs. Quiksilver from Zombies Shouldn't Run.

Wrong and semi-wrong. Melina's okay looking, Jillian looks like some sort of cyborg with implants with those eyes of hers. Neither of them are decent wrestlers, unless you go by the WWE women's standards, i.e low standards. Download some porn, it'll be cheaper.

Well, I wasn't going to do anything this week, but I guess now I will.

Yep you're quite right- the Orient Express was at Royal Rumble 92, but they faced the New Hart Foundation instead- my mistake! That was a pretty decent match too. I agree with '92

It's not just a WWE thing. I've watched NOAH with family around and been morbidly embarrassed by it by one reason or another ("How is someone who looks that old supposed to pick someone up like that?" "Why do they keep screaming?" "Can somebody shut that announcer guy up, where's the bloody mute button?" "A clothesline!?! All that for a clothesline!?!")

Ah, fond memories. Samba used to be a 30 goal a season player without fail every season on that game. So, the right team won the Champions League, although it was looking a little hairy for a while. Would have been a travesty if Arsenal had won 1-0, with a goal from Sol Campbell of all people, after the abortion of a decision the ref made to kill the game off.

Meh. Another Rey vs. Big Guy match that'll make JBL look a goof for selling half the moves he takes. Lashley/Booker? I'm on the fence, it could be good but I'm not huge fans of either. A lot of potential for a good match, this is the one I'm most looking forward to on the entire card. You'd have to pay me to watch it, not the other way around. See above. Great, on paper. No brainer, great match. Pass. And I'm pretty sure it's Box Office over here, meaning no order from me. Two matches I'm interested in and I have both taped from Velocitys in the past couple of months. "Thumbs in the middle pointing down".

The words Science and Fiction around Vince McMahon scare me. A lot. And any 'cool points' ECW potentially had have now evaporated at the prospect of people hyping 'wrestling on the science fiction channel'. "Man, if you wanna watch something really cool, put it on the Science Fiction Channel!" That's hardcore, that's hardcore.

From the three that I have, Zombies Shouldn't Run is a very good show.

Bring in Scott Hall and X-Pac as the "Old Age Outlaws" and let hilarity ensue.

Wrestling in general is a niché market. It's at it's very core flamboyant and OTT. Most non-wrestling watching fans when they think of wrestling think of Hogan and the stereotypical 'muscular guys in oil and pink spandex' and think of it as 'kids stuff'. That's not going to change, no matter how many boom periods the business goes through. I remember the times when virtually everyone at school would not just talk about wrestling, but would get involved in 24/7 style hardcore battle royals. Looking back, was it cool? Not really. No. The people with that opinion aren't going to care enough to let someone try and change it. The best way to go about it is to not care that they don't care.

I don't get the big deal about Estrada. So, he has three names and an accent. Big whoop. What the hell else does he actually offer to the table, because I certainly haven't seen it. Does absolutely nothing for me and neither does Umaga, which makes this PIMPMAGA~! phase around here all the more irritating. HAHAHAHAH

My bet is they'll drag it out because of the draw, but just between USA and Canada.

The Body Shop w/Christian Wright Leon Rodez vs. Gunner Sharps Guest Commentator: Crystal

Group A: Germany and Poland Group B: Sweden and England Group C: Argentina and my pick for surprise of the comeptiton, Ivory Coast. Even if Drogba sucks. Group D: Mexico and Portugal Group E: Italy and Czech Rep Group F: Brazil and assuming they acclimatise, Japan Group G: France and Korea Group H: Ukraine and Spain

I'm surprised the U.S aren't taking Freddy Adu. Funny that the reason, I think, was that he's thought to be too young and yet England are taking Theo Walcott with no real reasoning except politics.

I can't be the only one who doesn't want RVD as World Champion, surely? He's been okay since coming back but not spectacular, he can't cut a promo to save his life and it's the same damn thing over and over again with him. What's the difference between 2002 RVD and 2006 RVD? If they freshen up RVD's act then maybe, maybe, I could see him as World Champion. As it is does it really matter? How is RVD as Champion going to improve things? I don't see it. They dropped the ball in 01/02 by not giving him the strap. Now, who cares?

My insane contribution to the show is up. What it has to do with anything I really don't know, but it's there.

I love Flair's speech from the last Nitro, because it's so crazy and there never seemed to be a huge reaction from the live crowd, but he was so commited to it. I did laugh my ass off at that part though. How he named Bagwell in the middle of all these influencial figures in WCW and the NWA's history baffles me, it was so out of place. Foley's "It's Not Worth It Anymore" promo in '98 the week after the Tag Title Cage Match is pretty underrated. Also, Cornette's "Age In The Cage".

That match proved Russo was misguided. It was the booking of Storm vs. Awesome that proved he was incompetent. It was such a booking balls-up it defied belief.

England have the same sort of run in the World Cup and the Euro Championships every year. Scrape through the first two group matches, then in either the final group game or the second round they get a comfortable win (Holland in 96, Denmark in 2002, Croatia in 2004) which builds everyone's over-confidence again. Then, either the Quarters or the Semis, we play well but snatch defeat from the jaws of victory (Germany in 96, Argentina in 98, Portugal in 2004) and blame it on bad luck, a referee or a penalty shootout.

"Tell me exactly, what am I supposed to do Now that I have allowed you, to beat me! Do you think that we could play another game Maybe I could win this ti-ime." "Oh, great." groans King. "I kinda like the misery you put me through Darling you can trust me, completely! If you even try to look the other way I think that I could kill this ti-ime!" Disturbed's "The Game" kicks into gear and through the curtains emerge the SWF's self proclaimed Power Couple, SWF World Heavyweight Champion Landon Maddix and his trusty manager Megan Skye. The crowd give Landon a predictably hositle welcome as, blood smeared World Title draped over his right shoulder, Landon holds his hands aside and looks to the heavens above, as if thanking the good Todd above for his mere greatness. Megan leads the way as Landon then strides down the aisle, paying the crowd no more attention than he feels they deserve. I.e, none. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome MEGAN SKYE... and the Smartmarks Wrestling Federation WORLD Heavyweight Champion... LANDON "LA CUCARACHA"... MMMAAAAAADDIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXX!!" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" "Well, here comes a remorseless son of a bitch if ever I saw one." criticises Mak. "The dried blood you can clearly see on our World Championship is that of Amy Stephens, the SWF Hardcore Gamers Champion who we regret to inform you won't be here tonight after the unsettling beating Landon laid on her on Lockdown. Amy has a Grade 3 concussion and is recovering from some understandable side-effects of losing so much blood." "Resisting obvious joke here." "I hate to sound mysogonistic. Amy is an athlete, she's our Hardcore Champion. But she's still a young woman and Landon treated her like a dog on Lockdown, with not a hint of compassion. And now, he comes out here, clearly proud of what he's done." Landon and Megan have by now entered the ring and sent Funyon packing, Landon taking the microphone to the disappointment of all. "EverybodybetterlissenupcosI'vegotsomefingtosayINNIT!" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Evidently pleased with himself, Landon wipes a wry smile from his face. "See, ere's wot it is, right. Last week, I woz in this ring, right an' I was kickin' someone's arse right, and I...I..." Unable to contain himself any longer, Landon bursts out laughing. "Oh man. Hard to keep that shtick up. I don't know how those English people can talk like that for so long without cracking up, I swear I don't. So let's try some eloquence out here, shall we? Talk like a Champion? And while Amy 'does fetches' a dictionary, allow me to tell you a little story. The story of the 'Ugly Duckling'. See, once there was an ugly duckling, grey in colour, different from the rest. It stood out from the crowd with it's unkept feathers, it's hideous appearance and it's incomprehensible squawking. Everybody shunned that ugly duckling because...well, it was ugly. Duh. But then, one day, they ugly duckling got laid for the first time since her Sixth Form Leaver's Ball when some prat named 'Dazza' in a burberry cap and soiled 'tracky bottoms' took her behind the bike sheds and 'tested her gangsta'. Suddenly, that ugly ducking felt loved. It felt needed. It didn't have to reach for the Rampant Rabbit every night anymore. And by association, that ugly duckling soon became popular. And after all I did for it, what did it do? It dumped me." The crowd cheer, just to make themselves an annoyance. Glancing around, Landon seems just the slightest bit embarrased by the glee people are taking in what was a humiliating moment...until he sees Megan beside him smirking. Well, you'd be perked up by that too. "She 'dumped' me. And you made, oh so much of a big song and dance over it too Amy, didn'tcha? You took such delight in kicking me to the curb on live TV. Well Amy, as the saying goes, paybacks are a bitch. And bitch...consider yourself paid back!" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" "He's got a big mouth knowing Amy isn't around to take offence." sneers King. "All I've heard since Lockdown was what a sick bastard I am." Landon continues. "And if I didn't realise how hypocritical you people are and how insignificant your opinion, I might give a damn. But I don't. I didn't do anything nearly as sadistic as Bruce Blank did. I didn't drop her on her head and try to paralyse her like her brother would. And hey, it's not like I took her title." Megan, completely agreeing, applauds. "I could have, make no mistake. The question is, why would I lower myself to hold such an insignificant, trashy, worthless belt when I'm the SWF World Heavyweight Champion? Barbed wire and flaming tables are all well and good in the backyard and in the bingo halls, but this is WRESTLING! And Hardcore Wrestling is trash! Bruce Blank needs to hit people over the spine with lighttubes because he's an incompetent backyard wrestler who's incapable of anything with any credibility. Bloodshed needs to throw himself into thumbtacks because it's all he's good for, being a freak. The Insane Luchador has to dive into pits of glass because it's the only way people will give a flying crap about him. And Amy Stephens has to wrestle in the Hardcore Division because she's an untrained, no-talent, fat-ass binge drinker who doesn't deserve any employment within the SWF, aside from maybe cleaning up the piss buckets in the back. I don't need to do any of that shit, because I am a professional wrestler and I am the World Heavyweight Champion, something which none of those four can say and will ever be able to say!" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" "Take that!" King sneers, resisting the urge to cry 'Oh, snap' on air. "I am your World Heavyweight Champion and don't you people forget it!" Landon continues, head swelling. "At the end of the night, it's me you'll be watching, because I'm the Champ. The main event. The reason you pay your money to come watch the SWF! I might not come out here like Wildchild and do top rope, reverse dragonrana saults. I might not be like JJ Johnson, hitting people with... Super..Laser..Bomb Drivers. And I might not do Massacre..Death..Bombs through a glass replica of Mother Teresa off of a sixty four foot scaffold, while on fire and eating a rat poison sandwich like Bruce Blank. But I am your World Champion! That means you respect me! What I do, you enjoy! Unconditionally! So if I decide I wanna come out and slap on a cravaté on someone for 10 minutes, you stupid retards are gonna sit on your hands and you're gonna like it! And if I beat a woman half to death, you're gonna keep your damn mouths shut and not so much as DARE to doubt my actions, because I am the World Heavyweight Champion and what I say goes!" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Unimpressed by this egomaniacal ranting, the Iraqi crowd jeer wildly, much to Landon's frustrations. Megan places her hands over Landon's ears to block out the noise, not wanting the crowd to get to her man. However, suddenly the mood changes. A brutal, stuttering guitar riff starts up, a guitar riff not heard in the SWF for nearly two years. “What the hell!?” Suicide King barks. The crowd turns to look disbelievingly at the massive Smarktron and sure enough, they see what they expect to see. Because this music is ‘We Still Kill The Old Way’ by Lostprophets, and it was used back in early 2004 by the man currently shown taking Mike Van Siclen off a balcony and through a table with a move known as the Toxxic Shock Syndrome. Back when this music was first heard in the SWF, the man using it used to be quite popular with the crowd. “TOXXXXXXXXXXX-IC…” Back then, before the days of broken necks, World Titles and Revolution Zero. “TOXXXXXXXXXXX-IC…” Back then, before he fell from grace with the SWF fans, Toxxic would have been cheered over Landon Maddix any day. “TOXXXXXXXXXXX-IC…” It looks like those days are back. *BOOOM!!* Red pyro erupts from the soundstage beneath the Smarktron and for a moment all beyond is obscured by smoke and haze. Then, striding through and wearing a Revolution Zero T-shirt, comes a man with eyeliner, nail polish and spiky black hair. “YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAoooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” “What the hell!? Mak Francis says in shock, but for quite different reasons to his commentary partner’s earlier outburst. Sure enough, the man walking down the ramp towards the ring where a smirking Landon Maddix is waiting has the right hair, the right make-up, the right clothes and is coming out to one of two choices for the right music. But sunshine, that ain’t Toxxic. “Is that Matt Myers?” Suicide King exclaims disbelievingly, but the Gambling Man shouldn’t be such a doubter, because that’s exactly who it is. The SWF’s most notorious jobber slides under the bottom rope and climbs to the second buckle where he throws his arms wide, palms flat towards the floor in a pose reminiscent of a certain three-time World Champion. “OK, Landon has to be behind this, right?” Francis says. “Agreed.” “But I thought he said he was done with Amy’s family?” the Franchise says in confusion, “on Lockdown he said, I distinctly remember him saying, that he was done with Amy and her family. Now he comes out here running his mouth and trying to provoke her, then -we presume- pays Matt Myers to come out dressed up as her brother, the brother Landon has been publicly declaring his desire to cripple for, oh, the last four months or so?” “Hush Mak,” King says gloomily, hardly relishing yet more ego stroking from Maddix, “it looks like the ‘Straight-Edge Sensation’ is about to speak.” Sure enough Myers has requested, nay, demanded a microphone and is now standing facing Landon Maddix who is trying -unsuccessfully, it’s worth noting- to keep a grin off his face. Myers raises the microphone, takes a deep breath, and prepares to speak for the first time in a good few years. “Alright, mate? Cor blimey, I weren’t half mad when you laid a walloping on my sister, know what I mean?” “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “Come back Dick Van Dyke, all is forgiven,” Francis mutters, putting his head in his hands as Myers manages to murder a British accent even worse than the veteran actor’s disastrous cockney impersonation in ‘Mary Poppins’. The Iraqi crowd don’t seem too happy either, although how they can tell the difference between a genuine British accent and a (maybe deliberately) very poor American attempt is a mystery. Maybe they’re just booing because Landon Maddix is in the ring and smiling. It’s probably a good enough reason. “Ladies and gentlemen, the Punk Rockstar!” Maddix grins, pointing at Myers. “I’m telling you Toxxic, I’m glad you showed up; with Spike Jenkins going all emo we really need another whiny, petulant straight-edger with a liking for appalling music in the federation!” “Shut your bloody mouth Maddix,” Myers-Toxxic responds, mugging horribly, “unless you want me to slap it orf yer flaming face sunshine, ya get me?” “Oh no, I wouldn’t want that!” Maddix says, recoiling in mock horror. “But tell me Toxxic, since you’re here; why has it taken you so long to come and tell me off for sleeping with your sister, huh? I mean you’d have thought that most big brothers would come running when a guy they hated started banging their little sis, but I guess you’re different, right? I mean, was it because you didn’t know what was going on?” “Uh-uh,” fake Toxxic shakes his head, “I’m so completely obsessed with wrestling that I record every show that’s broadcast anywhere in the world and jerk off over it!” “Niiiiiiiiiiice,” Landon grimaces, “so, if you knew that I was banging your sister then why didn’t you do something? Don’t you like her?” “No way!” Myers denies, “I love all my family, gawd bless ‘em every one! Just cos she’s a loud-mouthed bitch with more tits than brains doesn’t mean I don’t care for her!” “Come on Toxxic, be fair,” Landon chides merrily, “no-one could have that much brains! I know some people say that more than a handful is a waste, but mmm-hmm,” the World Champion sighs ostentatiously, “as far as I’m concerned it just means there’s plenty to go in your mouth as well!” “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “Urgh, please,” Mak Francis protests, “more detail than I wanted to know!”. “I hate to say this, but Landon actually has a point…” King admits reluctantly. “LAN-DON SUCKS!” “LAN-DON SUCKS!” The crowd are definitely heating up now, the off-duty GIs in the crowd starting the anti-Maddix chants that spread through the fans and showing that hey, different cultures can work in harmony if only there’s something they both dislike equally to focus against. As plans are abruptly made to ship Ash Ketchum to the Middle East, Landon raises his microphone again. “So Toxxic; if you knew I was sleeping with your sister, and you care for your sister, then what on Earth stopped you from coming back and giving me a jolly good going-over?” the Huron native asks his pseudo-British ‘enemy’, waggling his eyebrows in what he probably thinks is a comedic manner. “Don’t tell me; no Visa?” “Prepare to be proved wrong,” Myers says in response, “no Landon, the reason I didn’t bloody well come back and bloody well beat you in for touching my sister was… because I’m afraid of you!” “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “Surely not!” Landon denies. “No! I don’t believe it! Toxxic, the man everyone knew as a violent, psychotic maniac who’d never back down from a fight as long as he had at least two goons running interference for him? Toxxic why would you be afraid of little ol’ me?” “Well,” Myers says, “because-OOF!” “No, don’t tell me, it’s because of THIS!” Landon shouts, burying his foot in Myers’ gut and doubling him over, causing the former SJL reject to start wheezing. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" “Somehow I don’t think Myers knew this was in the script,” Mak Francis comments. “God, he’s dumb,” King groans. Maddix stands over the hapless Myers, who having been caught completely by surprised has dropped to his knees, completely winded. In the background, Megan seems to be the sole person in the entire country who's amused by all this, while Landon stands over Myers with a smirk. For the time being, possession of the microphone is given to Megan as Landon now stands over the Cosplay Master and holds his arms to the side, hands out, palms flat. The crowd give The Next Generation a hard time, but they've seen nothing yet as Maddix captures Myers' arms in a double underhook and hauls him to his feet. Myers puts up no fight, as Maddix then hauls him up, spinning around and sitting out with the MSS! "'Maddix' Shock Syndrome!" groans Mak. "This is ridiculous, what the hell is he trying to prove here?" Sliding into a seated position, Maddix reclaims the microphone from Megan and leans towards the face-down Matt "Toxxic" Myers. "Thanks buddy...best fourty bucks I ever spent." smiles Landon, before standing up and directing himself towards the hard camera. "Amy, I'd hate to think you're like your brother and fear me after what I did to you on Lockdown. So, here's the deal. By next show, I'll get an open contract written up for a World Title match and I will walk down to this ring. All you have to do, if you have the you-now-whats, is stroll down after me and put your John Q.Stephens on the dotted line. I won't do what I just did to 'your brother'...wink wink...I promise. You come out, you sign the contract, everyone's happy. It's just a question of whether you had enough of me on Lockdown, or if you want another shot. Depende de ti, ya get me?" "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Landon drops the mic down across the back of Myers head, causing him to writhe a little more while the SWF's Power Couple turn and begin to leave. A couple of referees have come down to drag Myers' carcass from the ring, feeling enough time has been wasted on Landon's egomaniacal symbolism. "Our World Champion ladies and gentlemen." bemoans King. "Don't say I didn't warn you all." "We'll be back with something slightly less vomit enducing, next."

Taken seriously? He beat Booker with a fluke rollup which nobody in the crowd cared about, then dropped to Velocity. That's an on-screen shelf life of a couple of weeks.

Booking aside, Uncensored '99 wasn't that bad. Kidman/Mikey was a very good match, Rey/Nash was fun, Hak/Bam Bam/Raven was so over the top that it was entertaining, Benoit and Malenko vs. Windham and Perfect was pretty good, Booker/Steiner was okay, Saturn/Jericho was passable. Not a great show, but it doesn't make the top 10 of worst WCW PPVs, let alone worst of all time. Fall Brawl '98 was pretty atrocious and New Blood Rising was one of the worst booked shows in history. Infact, any WCW PPV from 2000 could be considered.