King Cucaracha

Wrestler of the Year: Samoa Joe Feud of the Year: Chris Hero vs. Eddie Kingston (IWA/CZW/CHIKARA). Match of the Year: Styles vs. Daniels vs. Joe Best Brawler: Homicide Best High Flier: Jack Evans Best Tag Team: Generation Next (Evans and Strong) Most Underrated: Matt Sydal, followed closely by El Generico Most Overrated: Monty Brown Best Promos: THE BOOGEYMAN~! Or Colt Cabana Best PPV: TNA Final Resolution Worst PPV: The Great American Bash Most disgusting promotional tactic: Muhammed Hassan, in his entirety.

I didn't know Daniels and Rotten don't get along. In that case I think it's a shoot. yay. Yeah. Daniels left IWA with Prazak, Whitmer and I think Brad Bradley (who if that's right has since come back). It was either him or Whitmer, or both, who was getting pissy about not being used well enough and there were probably money issues too. But yeah, he bailed on the company which he pretty much was made by. I doubt Ian's on good terms with him somehow. Still might be a work though. Jimmy's promos before this were getting a bit more anti-Internet, so maybe it ties in somehow.

As I said in PMs, I dig #2.

GROUP A GERMANY COSTA RICA POLAND ECUADOR GROUP B ENGLAND PARAGUAY TRINIDAD & TOBAGO SWEDEN GROUP C ARGENTINA IVORY COAST SERBIA AND MONTENEGRO HOLLAND GROUP D MEXICO IRAN ANGOLA PORTUGAL GROUP E ITALY GHANA USA CZECH REPUBLIC GROUP F BRAZIL CROATIA AUSTRALIA JAPAN GROUP G FRANCE SWITZERLAND SOUTH KOREA TOGO GROUP H SPAIN UKRAINE TUNISIA SAUDI ARABIA Man, did we get the shit luck again or what?

Angle. It gets him out of the ring before he cripples himself and he knows wrestling pretty well, I assume.

Doubtful. Yeah, she'll probably put her baby in a storyline. Or promote it to assistant. Not that it'd do a worse job or anything. *insert Baby Bottle Match joke here*

As an aside, I just got a batch order from SMV (Eddie Kingston style SHILL~!) and Jimmy versus Colt Cabana from TPI Night 1 was entertaining as hell. On subject, I want Jimmy versus Necro. And Necro as IWA World Champion.

This is absolutely correct.

I meant to PM you this, but whatever. Rodez needs to have taped up ribs to go with the injuries. Other than that, yeah, fine.

Something like 8pm over here I think. Not sure if that includes the customary 40 minutes of filler at the start or not though.

That'd probably be the closest TNA can get to a big match, NOAH main-event level match and crowd response. That'd be something special if they booked it correctly.

Don't forget Claudio. The comb = the ratings.

When you say next week, you mean you're writing the semi-final, right? EDIT: In other news, Leon Rodez will SPEAK~ on the dastardly attack last week by The New, New Midnight Express.

BUFFER Your following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall. In the ring, from Latin Amerrrrrrrica~!... LLLOOOOSSSSS... CONQUISTADOOOOOORRRRRRRSSSSSSS!! The Conquistadors raise their fists in the air, getting a mixed reaction as we're back on HeldDOWN~! And we swoop down to Sofa Central, just as "Slither" by Velvet Revoler hits and draws boos from around the arena. COLE Well, we're ready for tag team action, apparantly. Quite who set this match up, I have no idea. But it seems, we're going to see the HI-YAH Heavyweight Champion in action...against Los Conquistadors? CABOOSE Oh. Goody. As the boos continue, Christian Wright leads the way through the curtains, with his bodyguard following out behind and showing off TEH GUNZ~! Right on cue with the music, Wright tears the hood down from his ring attire and leads the way to the ring. BUFFER And their opponents! At a total combined weight of five hundred and seventeen pounds... the team consisting of the former HI-YAH Heavyweight Champion of the World, BOOOOHHEEEMMOOOOOTTHHHH!! And, the CURRENT HI-YAH Heavyweight Champion of the World... "THE NATURAL" ... CCHHHRRRRRIIIISSSTTIIIIAAAANN WWWWRRRRRRIIIIGGGHHHHHTT!!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Forgive my ignorance, but I don't get this. Why are Los Conquistadors, who in all fairness can't be considered one of the OAOAST's best tag teams, stepping into the ring to face a former and the current HI-YAH Heavyweight Champion? COACH I'm sure I have no idea. *reaches under table* Squash, anyone? COLE Ooh, mashed! My favourite! Bohemoth jogs up the steps and enters the ring, flexing the biceps and striking pure, unbridled FEAR~ into the hearts of Los Conquistadors! Indeed, the gold shiny asses of the Conquistadors scurry from the ring to regroup. Meanwhile, Wright rolls into the ring, passing his HI-YAH Title to the referee with no hesitation. COLE Christian certainly looks to be in an 'all business' kinda mood tonight. And no wonder, after his defeat last week to Krista Isadora Duncan...which, thankfully for him, was a non-title contest. CABOOSE Yeah, apparantly Krista didn't fancy the prospect of regular flights to Japan. Surprising, considering how easy it is to get booze over there and how far away her kid would be. Oh well. Japan's loss is our utter tragedy, I guess. COACH Amen. A rapid Mexican/Spanish/wherever they're from discussion is taking place on the outside between Los Conquistadors, possibly regarding finding themselves an agent. Or new jobs. Referee Brian Hebner leans over the ropes and passes out the HI-YAH Title, calling for the bell before telling one of the Conquistadors to get in the ring. *DING DING DING!* There's the bell. But Hebner's demands are met with vehement shakes of the head from Los Conquistadors. They want no part of this. It's lucky that Hebner just happens to have a mini bottle of tequila in his pocket (hey, getting fired hit him hard). That proves enough of a lure for the gold, shiny Hispanics to enter the ring...but by the time they get there, the tequila bottle is safely back in Hebner's pocket. Finally in the ring, both Conquistadors seem pensive to start the match, as Bohemoth stands across the ring from them. The quicker thinking Conquistador leaves to the apron quickly, thus appointing his partner as the legal man. COLE So, which one is this guys? Uno or Dos? COACH Definately Dos. Dos is the one with the moustache. COLE No, you're thinking of the Beverly Brothers. COACH Oh, yeah. Well, that definately doesn't look like Butch, so it must be... COLE No, that's the Bushwhackers. You're getting closer though, in a weird sort of way. CABOOSE They're both gold and shiny and above all, jobbers. Does it really matter what we call them? COLE Good point. Shiny Gold Guy #1 is in. Nervously, Uno tries to lock up with Bohemoth, but the big man drives a knee into his gold gut and doubles him over. An irish whip sends Uno into the corner...and Bo follows in with a stiff clothesline, so stiff infact that it might as well be Ned Blanchard's manhood! Out staggers Uno, right into a right hand from Bohemoth. Followed by a second. Uno is reeling, but surprisingly still on his feet. A situation remedied by Bohemoth's massive boot slamming into his jaw! Uno is dazed, but still has the presence of mind to roll backwards, quickly tagging in Dos before he can prevent it. Not too pleased to be tagged, Dos gingerly enters the ring, obviously not wanting to raise Bo's ire. But it matters not, as Bo charges him straight away with a knee, followed by some clubbing forearms. Dos gets pounded to his knees, before Bo measures the gold cranium of the Conquistador...and almost knows it clear off with a HARD right hand! COLE Good Lord! Bohemoth is some kind of bohemoth! CABOOSE ... As The Natural looks on, Bohemoth sets about pulling Dos to his feet and sending him off the ropes. He swings with a clothesline but Dos manages to roll underneath the massive arm. Surprised, Bo swings again, but again Dos tumbles underneath. "ARRIBA!!" *SMACK!* YAKUZA KICK! Dos topples like a felled tree...slowly and comically. Hands on hips, Bohemoth waits patiently for Dos to fall, before wheeling away the moment he hits the mat, to SHOW OFF TEH GUNZ~! COACH AW DAMN, SON~! DEM'S GUNZ~! DEM'S BIG GUNZ~! As Dos lies in a comatose state in one corner of the ring, Bohemoth happens to glance around. Which is wise, as Uno advances on him. Bohemoth is first to react however, catching Uno running in and PLANTING him with a Front SPINEBUSTAAAAAAH~! COACH BETTER THAN HOFF'S!! CABOOSE Man, Hoff is so owned. *rolls eyes* Suddenly, the camera cuts to the corner where Wright is flashing the thumbs up Bohemoth's way...before turning the thumbs down~! Bo sees the signal and instantly hauls the lifeless body of Conquistador Dos off the canvas and scooping him into his arms. The crowd know what's coming, booing in preperation, as Bohemoth swings Dos around... ...out... ...and DOWN~! COLE Erotic Awakening Of B!! But Bohemoth isn't going for a cover. Instead, Bohemoth turns to his corner, reaching out a hand...and allowing Christian Wright to tag himself into the match! CABOOSE This is ridiculous. What the hell is this supposed to prove, beating up two nobodies in full length gold bodysuits?Who's this supposed to impress? All hail The Upstarts, huh? Future of wrestling my ass! COACH Hey, it ain't there fault if there's no competition for them in the OAOAST! CABOOSE He got competition last week. And he failed. Miserably. Bohemoth got competition at November Reign. And he failed. Equally as miserably. With Uno up, Wright measures him, delivering a boot to the gut! The fans are already booing wildly, as Wright applies a front facelock and lifts Uno to a 90 degree position, before he twists and SPIKES Uno with the Converting The Sinner!! It's all over bar the shouting now, as Wright places a hand on Uno's chest and makes the cockiest cover this side of Chris Jericho... 1... 2... 3!! *DING DING DING!* "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" The fans, justifiably, feel cheated and start to clamour for refunds. But hold up just a minute, because Christian Wright is now demanding a microphone. WRIGHT What you see before you...is merely a modicum of the potential damage and devestation myself and my bodyguard can and will willingly inflict. Daniel Black, Anthony Brannigan. For numerous years, the team known worldwide as Black T has proclaimed to dominate the Tag Team Division of the One And Only AngleSault Thread. Before you at this current juncture, you observe the beginning of a new dominance. In precisely 10 Days, the OAOAST presents it's December Pay Per View offering, entitled Climax. And for you Daniel Black and for you Anthony Brannigan, in regards to your collective careers and social standing, it shall become exactly that! For we, Bohemoth and myself, are offering forth a challenge to tag team combat. Black T versus myself, Christian Wright and the man that stands besides me, Bohemoth. COACH Say what? COLE He's issuing a challenge to Black T. COACH Oh. DAYYUM~! Wright throws down the microphone and the crowd who did understand whatever just came from his mouth boo. The rest just boo for the sake of things, to sneers from both Bohemoth and Wright as they begin to leave the ring.

Well, now people know he might read it, everyone's gonna go nuts. Next week in the Wrestling Observer, "What HHH bought at Wal-Mart on Sunday". A special 3-Part Edition.

Tony, if you read this, I'll give you Patty-like privledges and let you edit this how you want. I'm not sure how bang on I did or didn't get Cornette and/or Blanchard. So, edit at will.

CHEERS V.O LADY The Love Shack is filmed before a live studio audience...can be assembled. [color=blue]OAOAST Productions, Proudly Presents...[/color] [color=purple][size=6]#~~THE LOVE SHACK~~#[/size][/color] Huzzah! The Love Shack is back, Jack! The loved up Judge Leon Rodez presides, sat at his now instantly recognisable desk (okay, so it's a different desk every week, but that isn't important). And this week, amongst the various items of clutter, waste paper, discarded coffee cups and Futurama memorabilia, on the desk sits a framed picture of one Alix Maria Spezia. With a signature, seemingly in lipstick, that reads "From Spezia, With Love. *insert Bond theme here*" RODEZ Oh, dat Shack, dat Shack, dat...Love Shack! Copious greetings to you all from another edition of the Love Shack, coming to you live of course from Grand Rapids, Michigan. As if you need second telling, I am of course your host Leon Rodez. One, here comes the two to the three to the four, er'rybody drunk out on the dancefloor. Well, just like so many of my movies, Climax is just around the corner. And that means one thing. Excitement. And, maybe some deep, breathy moaning. Although, I expect that's only true for the first part of that. Anyway, myself, Zack Malibu and Peter Knight still remain in the 6-Man Tag Team Title Tournament and next week, make sure you don't miss the semi-finals. Otherwise, people might assume I'm not a draw. And we wouldn't want that now, would we. Looking off screen, Rodez holds up a hand and asks for 'a few more moments'. RODEZ Brock Ausstin, Quentin Benjamin and Charlie Moss. Those three remind me greatly of three other people, who by coincidence are managed by a manager who also reminds me greatly of someone. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just ask Tha Puerto Rican. Anyway...I saw your match last week. Zack had me on scouting duty see, which had nothing to do with the Rodez Scouts Of America, which unfortunately is still a work in progress. I watched your match Brock and team-mates. Now, granted, I didn't see ALL of it. And some of the sound was muffled by dry heaving from Miss Morning Sickness. I swear, if Zack goes anymore gooey-eyed over a woman vomiting into a trash can, I'm going to have to call Dr Phil, because something might just be amiss. So, I took the tape away to somewhere private and I watched it again. Granted, I did turn off halfway through. And the sound was muffled by the moaning and the panting and the groaning and the 'Oh Leon, yes Leon, is that legal Leon?' from a certain someone... Rodez, not so subtlely, points to the picture of Alix Spezia on the desk. RODEZ ...BUT, I think I got the jist of it. You guys looked pretty impressive out there, from what parts weren't actually obscured from my vision. But, let's face it, you weren't exactly facing stiff competition last week. Unlike Alix of course. *licks finger and holds it up to camera* SCORE ONE!! No, you guys weren't in against big competition. No offence to The Frankensteiners and Spanish Flea, but you didn't have it nearly as tough as you will this coming week. Without sounding too big-headed, next week, you're coming up against the favourites for the belts. The World Tag Team Champions, +1. Me and Zack are on a roll. You're looking at former X-Division Champions, current slash former Tag Team Champions. A former World Heavyweight Champion. You're looking at th... VOICE EXCUSE ME! Cut off in mid-sentence, Rodez looks up in shock at the blatant disrespect from...JIM CORNETTE! Walking onto the set, Cornette is flanked by The New, New Midnight Express. Singleton keeps his eyes firmly on Rodez, while Blanchard glances around the Love Shack 'set'...if you can call it that'...and promptly turns his nose up at it. CORNETTE Now I know that you have the equivilant IQ of a shaved ape, so I'll go easy on you and explain how this works. This. Is. A. 'Talk. Show'. A second rate one, sure, but a talk show nonetheless. Now we...we are your guests. Here's the complicated bit. You run through your cute little opening speil, crack a couple of jokes and then you as the HOST introduce the GUESTS. What you DON'T do is sit here in front of this viewing audience making yourself look good and talking about what you're going to do today, what you're going to do tommorrow and what you're going to do next week. Especially not at the expence of me and my boys here. RODEZ Your...boys? Well jimminy cricket! I didn't think you had it in you Jimmy! CORNETTE (flustered) Huh...wha...yo...NOW YOU LISTEN HERE! You are NOTHING! Okay? NOTHING! You do not use your little self-indulging, clap-trap, worst talk show since Oprah BUTT to make yourself look good over James E. Cornette!! Do you hear me? Nobody cares about you! Nobody cares about what you plan on doing next week! Certainly not me and certainly not the New, New Midnight Express. So how about you sit there and try not to look so damned stupid, while I take care of this one myself!! Okay!?! RODEZ Sure, go right ahe... CORNETTE *to camera* Ladies and gentlemen. Abandon the search for the remote control, because things just got interesting around here! Allow me to introduce to you, the greatest tag team in all of the OAOAST today! They're the cream in your coffee and the sugar in your tea. I give to you, "Sarcastic" Simon, "Narcissistic" Ned...THE NEW, NEW MIDNIGHT EXPRESSSSS!! Ned mugs for the camera, but Simon is still busy keeping an eye on Rodez. Should Rodez attack, The Sultan Of Sarcasm is ready. Of course, Rodez isn't going to attack though. He's a nice guy, which means he's more than happy to take a little abuse from James E. and co. Turning around, Cornette signals for the NNMX to sit down, which they do. Cornette takes the seat closest to Rodez's desk and tries to settle in. RODEZ Well, I've got to admit, that was some intro. CORNETTE No more than they deserve. RODEZ Oh, I'm sure not. Or, I'm sure. I amz not teh grammer expert. So, Jimmy, Neddy, Sim...my? Welcome to The Love Shack. Hopefully you don't fall in love with me like my guests last week did. Or, should that be guest? I think guests, but I have a suspicion that Krista's good at hiding things from others. Speaking of which, how's Maya, Neddy boy? Head snapping around, Ned suddenly loses it and stands up ready to pounce on Rodez. Quickly, Cornette stands up and together with Singleton difuses the situation...as all the while, Rodez watches on with mild amusement. RODEZ So sorry. I didn't realise that would touch a nerve... CORNETTE I suggest you stick to the questions we agreed on earlier. RODEZ Heh. See, the thing with that is, I don't do 'orders' from my guests. I'm here to ask the questions that the fans want to know. And I have it on good authority that the fans are interested in what sort of a father Ned Blanchard is. And besides that, I accidently used your questions as a napkin. But, I'll leave parenthood aside for the moment and ask you about something you're better at, Ned. Wrestling. You guys are two time, former World Tag Team Champions. But, all hasn't been rosy in the garden of Eaton recently, has it? So, what's next for you guys? CORNETTE Wait a minute, Rodez. What are you trying to say exactly? RODEZ Well...it's just, you guys haven't been in great form recently... CORNETTE That wasn't one of the questio... RODEZ And your hopes of getting a shot at me and Zack in the near future aren't looking too good. CORNETTE Now hold on just a minu... RODEZ Infact, it was just a couple of weeks ago in the Survivor Series Rules Match at November Reign that you were defeated by The Frankensteiners. Infact, you both were individually. CORNETTE That was a FLUKE! Nothing more, nothing less. A FLUKE! The Frankensteiners are no match for the New, New Midnight Express in a regular tag team contest! No match! Ned Blanchard went in two on one against those Oklahoma yahoos and he put on the fight of his life, until he was double teamed into defeat. Ned glares at Cornette. CORNETTE Defeat...only...defeat only as far as record books go. In my eyes and in the eyes of everyone who watched November Reign and wasn't under the influence of mind altering substances, Ned Blanchard was a winner! He fought against tremendous odds. He was a moral victor. If it was a fair, two on two contest, we would have gone through The Frankensteiners like prune juice through an 85 year old! They would have surrendered faster than the French! You know that. We know that. And above all else, The Frankensteiners know that! 8-Man Tag Team Elimination Matches should count for zero in the tag team division rankings system. The New, New Midnight Express are former 2-time World Tag Team Champions. And as far as I'm concerned, every passing day that it isn't 3-time is a disgrace to the words 'professional wrestling'. If The Frankensteiners were the World Tag Team Champions, it'd be like the Pied Piper. They'd drive every single OAOAST fan out of town! Where-as my New, New Midnight Express are born winners. Born leaders. Men that can inspire such fat, slovenly, work dodging tax cheats that you pander to into being better people. RODEZ This is you being subtle, right? CORNETTE There's nothing to be subtle about! "Sarcastic" Simon and "Narcissistic" Ned are sick and tired of being overlooked for World Tag Team Titles opportunities. And I'm sick of watching them being sick and tired of them being overlooked for World Tag Team Titles opportunities. Why do you think we agreed to come on this stupid segment in the first place, Rodez? For the intelligent conversation? We're here for just one reason and one reason only... Suddenly, Ned stands up. Simon goes to do the same, but Ned motions for him to sit back down. BLANCHARD Jimmy, you'd better make that TWO reasons. And reason number 1 is, I'm sick and tired of you ripping off my act week in and week out! RODEZ Me? Ripping YOU off? That's a little rich isn't it, Bart Gunn Jnr.? BLANCHARD Leon Rodez, huh? Self proclaimed 'Ladies Man'. A adult filmstar, they say? Quite frankly, I don't believe that for a second. You're nothing but a wannabee Handsome Hustler! Ladies have been flocking for some cocking from Narcissistic Ned while you were still dreaming of the treasured moment that your balls would drop, sonny! By rights, this should be my show. This should be The Handsome Hustler's Half Hour! Instead, it goes to my clone. My wannabee. My mini-me, if you will. If it were any more blatant it'd be tattooed on your forehead. I mean, come on Leon. Did you really have to go so far as to take a page out of my book and find warmth in the loins...of one of the Chicks Over Dicks? Walking over the desk, the smug Handsome Hustler picks up the framed photo of Alix Spezia, prompting Rodez to stand up. BLANCHARD But, of course, like any rip-off...you had to go for the second rate. RODEZ Second rate? And what incarnation of the Midnight Express are you guys? Third? Fourth? You know, they say things get better over time, but you only have to look at you to see that isn't true Jimmy. It looks like you went up against Father Time and came out worse than your boys did at November Reign. CORNETTE Now you listen here Leon Ro... RODEZ No, YOU listen here! Rodez is riled now, but trying to stay diplomatic at the same time. RODEZ I'm a fair guy and I let you on my show despite your track record of being an asshole and of the way you and your latest attempt at milking the Midnight Express name for all the dollars you can get. I even let you on, despite the way you and your boys have treated my girlfriend and her sister in the past. Now, if you guys wanted a Tag Team Title shot, all you had to do was as... [i][i]*SMASH!!!!*[/i][/i] Suddenly, glass shatters, as Ned creeps up behind Rodez and SMASHES him in the back of the head with the framed picture of Alix Maria Spezia! Rodez slumps forward across his desk, as Ned laughs it up. Simon now launches into action, as he starts clubbing away on the back of Rodez's spine from over the desk. Meanwhile, Ned looks at the broken picture in his hand and mockingly gives Alix's image a big smacker before tossing it against the wall behind him. Then, he quickly grabs Rodez's arm. Simon takes the signal and grabs Rodez over arm, holding him in place as Jim Cornette swaggers out in front of the desk. Wielding his trusty tennis racket, of course. BLANCHARD GIVE IT TO HIM JIMMY, GIVE IT TO HIM! CORNETTE Rodez, consider this a challenge! [i][i]*THWACK!* "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"[/i][/i] CORNETTE You better forget about those 6-Man Tag Team Titles and worry about "Sarcastic" Simon and "Narcissistic" Ned! [i][i]*THWACK!* "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"[/i][/i] CORNETTE Because...you ain't gonna make it through next week, let alone to Climax! And Rodez... Reaching down, Cornette pulls Rodez's head up so that he's locked eye to eye with him. CORNETTE ...guess what. The New, New Midnight Express have got plenty more where this came from! *turns to Ned* Show him what to expect, when we finally get our rightful shot at the Titles! Show him! Hooking on a front facelock, Ned tosses the arm overhead. [i][i]*THUU - UUUD!*[/i][/i] SLINGSHOT SUPLEX!! Ned uses the desk as the Slingshot and Suplexes Rodez onto the cold, concrete floor with a sickening splat!! Simon and Cornette laugh it up, as Ned stands smugly over Rodez, nudging him over onto his back with a nonchalant foot. Turning to Simon, he then gives a thumbs up. Which Simon takes as the signal to climb up onto Rodez's now departed desk. Rodez is motionless, as Ned moves his limp body around and gets in Rodez's face. BLANCHARD Tell Alix, Neddy said "Hi". Stepping backwards, Ned reaches up and grabs Simon. The Sultan Of Sarcasm is perched, a little cautious of how much weight the desk can take. But it holds. And as Simon stands, Ned launches him off the desk. [i][i]*WHAM!*[/i][/i] ROCKET LAUNCHER!! Rodez is writhing in agony now, clutching his ribs, as Simon eases himself up gingerly. Grabbing his partner around the shoulders, Ned is in hysterics, as Cornette pats his clients on the back. CORNETTE Good luck next week, Leon. And we'll see you real soon. Real...real soon. Cornette gives Rodez a parting shot to the gut with the handle of the tennis racket, as he and the NNMX leave. Blanchard taking a path right over Rodez's body, making sure to walk right over his ribs as he goes. Loud cackling and whooping can be heard as the NNMX stroll off into the distance. Leaving Leon Rodez downed, spluttering for breath and clutching his ribs in agony.

I like how Okerlund tries to make Bret's suggestions seem terrible without actually admitting that El Dandy and Psicosis were jobbers. He even admitted El Dandy was a great wrestler! Man, if only El Dandy was 50 pounds bigger, eh Gene?

~! Aside from not giving a crap about either Hyde or Dahmer, that looks a mighty good card.

Backstage we SWOOP~ to The Usual Suspects' locker room, where the OAOAST World Tag Team Champions are relaxing and enjoying a rare night off. The cosy couple, Candie and Zack, sit on a bench at the back of the room, arm in arm, like sappy couples do. Leon meanwhile tries to block out the searing, sickly pain by getting in a quick game on his PSP. The blissful bliss is short lived though, as a knock on the door is followed seconds later by the former X-Division Champion, Peter Knight, entering the ring. KNIGHT You wanted a word with me? Zack looks up and looks relieved to see PK, as he stands up to meet him. ZACK Yeah, we did. Listen, last week, me and Leon were a little bit sceptical and I don't mind admitting that to you. In recent weeks, you've been...different. With Parka. And there was the deal with The GPX a few weeks ago. Look, what I'm trying to say is, I trust you. I might have seemed weird last week, but hopefully, next week we can go out there as a real trio and make sure we qualify for the final. We know what it's like to lose titles and we know you were in a foul mood, but we're on your side. Just remember that and we'll be fine. KNIGHT Right. Listen, if you're trying to offer me counselling or something, I don't need it. All I need right now is some gold back around my waist. If it happens to be 6-Man Tag Titles with you guys, so be it. ZACK Right. Good to hear. Suddenly, Zack suddenly has to duck, sharpish, as a pair of headphones hurtle across the room and slam into the wall beside The Franchise. LEON God, damn it! How the hell do these Mexicans get so good!?! Hell, how the hell do they get PSPs in the first place!?! Curse you, WiFi! *glances around* Oh, hey PK. Match time already? How long was I on this thing? Man, the adverts are right, once you pop, you really can't stop. ZACK No, Peter's ju... LEON Oh no, wait, that's Pringles. Actually, now that I mention it, I'm glad you're here PeeKster, because judging by the clock on my state of the art PSP, you're right on time. Not that I want to steal your thunder, Candie, but you're not the only one around here with bombshells to drop. And what I mean by that is, I've got an announcement to make. Peter, Zack, camera-man hidden behind that potplant in the corner...it's my pleasure to tell you all...I'M THE FATHER OF CANDIE'S BABY! ZACK :O KNIGHT :O CANDIE :O [IMG=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v35/eyeball_kid/omg.jpg] RODEZ ...KIDDING! No, unfortunately, due to my winkwink, nudgenudge, snipsnip, if I were to have sex with Candie there'd be absolutely no physical evidence whatsoever. Well...not anything growing inside her, anyway. A deep growl fills the room, as Candie glares a hole through Rodez. RODEZ But, my announcement is related to that. Vaguely. Seeing as you're the closest thing to family that I have in the OAOAST, I wanted you to be the first to know... ZACK What about your sister? RODEZ Huh? Oh, yeah, her. *slaps forehead* Ah well, she'll probably hear about it eventually. Anyway, on with the announcement. You know, being an ex-pornstar isn't all it's cracked up to be. Certain women consider it a 'reputation'. Ironic, considering half of them actually own one of my videos. But hey, bitches be trippin'. You might have noticed I haven't really had any lady friends around recently. Sure, I've had sex. And, HOW! Like, that one time when we were in Miami? Ho, boy, everything they say about models being desperate to be noticed? All. True. There was this one named 'Ferrari'. Cute name. She went like one two, if you catch my drif... CANDIE Do we really need to hear about this? RODEZ Oh, sorry. Carried away for a moment. Anyway, what I'm getting to is, there hasn't been anything you'd call 'serious'. Being a wrestler sucks when it comes to relationships. On the road 24/7, away from your family. That's why it's best to knock up one of your valets first chance to get, eh Zackster? The deep growl fills the room again. RODEZ But, that's all changed, because I've met someone. She's hot, energetic, charismatic. And, she's standing right behind that door... ... Eventually, Zack gets the picture and asks if he should open the door, which apparantly he should. So, with a shrug, Zack walks across the room towards the door. Already, the smile on Rodez's face is a mile wide, as Zack turns the door handle slowly, creating a little dramatic build-up, before opening the door, to reveal...A WATER COOLER~! WATER COOLER *bubbles* CANDIE She's charismatic alright. KNIGHT Hey, how come that wasn't there when I walked in? RODEZ It is not for us to ask questions, my child. No, no, that's not her, obviously. I'm not even sure if inanimate objects CAN be shes. But, that's neither here nor there. The clock on my state of the art, gaming system, the Playstation Portable, available in stores nationwide, must be a little slow, that's all. Rodez curiously leaves the locker room and glances around the hallway outside. To be honest, the threesome behind him could probably care less if it WAS the water cooler. But, they continue to wait and watch, if only to humour Rodez. Eventually, he does return though, apparantly dragging someone by the arm. RODEZ Lady and gentlemen, I give to you my girlfriend...ALIX MARIA SPEZIA! ZACK Oh...God. ALIX [i]I met him in the Shack down in Grand Rapids Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola! C - O - L - A, CO - LA! He walked up to me and he asked me to dance I asked him his name and in a dark brown voice, he said Leon! L - O - L - A, LE - ON! Lee lee lee lee Lola![/i] Cue AIRGUITAR~! from Alix, to rapturous applause from Lol...I mean, Leon...and mass confusion from Knight, Zack and Candie. Zack's jaw is almost on the floor infact. KNIGHT Ok then. You know, I'd love to stay and have to deal with the migrane I feel coming on, but I got a meeting with someone. See you guys next week. Knight leaves just as Alix finishes up the Garcia-esque solo. ALIX Bye, Big Kev! Say hi to Scott while you're out! Tell him Krista said thanks for letting her borrow his gimmick! Wow! Wasn't my song good, wasn't that great? Huh? Wasn't it? Do I smell Grammy? No, Candie just cut the cheese. Very unladylike Mademosielle..uh do you even have a last name? I know it's not Malibu, because there ain't no ring on your finger. What's up with that, Zack Attack? Not marriage material,eh. I don't blame ya. I'm marriage material. I'm a keeper! My shirt even says so. Actually it says "Yes, they're real." The doctor assured me this was real silicone. Candie's shirt says "I'm a stank ass diseased little whore princess who was cheating on you with Drek Stone until he got smart and left the company, now I'm stuck with your no good played out ass and I have to pretend that his kid is yours. XOXO Candie." Actually it doesn't say that, because all that wouldn't fit on a shirt. But that's what's implied. Get a DNA test, Zackie, because this chick packs more nuts then Planters. What about my song? Didn't I sound awesome? Didn't I totally put the entire US Billboard chart to shame? RODEZ Yeah, you looked great. So, who's going to be first to congratulate us? Leon turns around and for the first time, sees the looks of shock and horror on his friends faces. But he mistakes it for them just being overwhelmed and doesn't give it a second thought. Instead, he continues to wait for congratulations. He might be waiting a while though. ZACK Her? RODEZ Yeah! ZACK You're dating...HER? RODEZ Yeah! ZACK Oh, no. No no no no. No. This is all a horrible, horrible dream. RODEZ Yes, I know it all seems like a dream. But quit pinching yourself buddy, because it's true! Me and Alix are an item. A hot, sweaty, item. And the best thing is, she has a 'Z' in her name! So we can consider renaming ourselves The Z Squad a little more seriously. Of course, that'd mean you dumping Candie. But we all have to make sacrifices in life, don't we? Horrified, Zack sits down next to Candie, in need of reassurance that his brain isn't melting. ALIX Zackie, aren't you going to sing to me? I sung for you. Though, not specifically for you. The thought was there though, honest. Z - A - C - K ZA - ACK! There. Are you happy now? Aren't you going to sing? SINCE U'VE BEEN GONE, I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME! BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAAAAH! *wipes a tear away* Such an emotional song. Those lyrics speak to me in a deep and meaningful way. I can certainly see why she won such a prestigious, made for TV talent show. I won a talent show once. Well, technically, I didn't 'win' win. But personally, I think if you're determined enough to ignore that fact the building is on fire because you dropped one of your flaming juggling clubs and steal the trophy while everyone was running around screaming, then that makes you a winner. Why don't you stalk me anymore, Zack? You used to enjoy it so much. Am I not good enough anymore? Have you found a new iconity of womanhood to lust over? Are you going to name your kid Kelly instead of Alix Maria Spezia The Second now? Bummer. It's good that we can pretend all those times you tried to cripple me never happened, dontcha think? I do. Hey, this is kinda like The Breakfast Club with all these people here. Now that we're all friends, you and Krista can swap parenting tips. You could even swap children! I doubt Krista would mind. She tried swapping her's for a roll-on deodorant last week, but WalMart said they wouldn't take part-exchange. ZACK AAAAAAH! RODEZ (whispering) [i]Don't worry, you'll get used to it...[/i] ZACK I don't WANT to get used to it! I want her out of here! OUT OUT OUT! ALIX Ooh, that reminds me, I have a match tonight! Lee-lee, do you wanna walk me to the curtains that may or may not be sliding doors? I forget which. RODEZ Sure thing. Hey, maybe we'll find a broom cupboard on the way, eh? ALIX Hmm...would me using a broom as a weapon be sexist? Krista says I already set women's lib back 40 years as it is. I wouldn't want to annoy the butch lesbians of the world anymore. They wear Doc Martens. Which hurt. RODEZ No, I meant...*whispers in Alix's ear* ALIX *smiles* Ooooohhhh. That sounds fun too. Although, I don't know if a broom would fit that far. Zack cringes. ALIX No harm in trying I guess. Toodles Zack! Toodles Candie! Toodles as-yet-unnamed fetus! With a quick peck on the cheek, Rodez and Alix lock arms and skip off like something out of a Wizard Of Oz hallucination. The room is finally peaceful again as they leave, allowing Zack to take a deep sigh and collapse next to Candie again in despair. CANDIE I think I preferred the water cooler.

Going head to head with Raw might draw in some of the 'man, Raw sucks, what else is on' audience. If it's advertised properly, of course. But HTQ is right, Vince'd pull every trick in the book to get rid of TNA. I still think it's the touring idea.

Aside from USA, there's no-one in Pots 2 and 4 we shouldn't be easy winners over. Good news. Also, did anyone else watch Liverpool-Chelsea. That Essien's a dirty fucker, ain't he? I guess that's what you get for £25m or so.

Yeah, I completed it with Big Show, from #1, then won the Rumble itself. So, try that.