King Cucaracha

You lost the World Title. So, you're saying these good people have been studying the fed for the past couple of years, sitting, waiting. And they waited until the very moment that Rando won the title to join? Could that be because he's a soft touch who these new people have been begging to become champion because they know he's easy picking? Is that what you're saying? I think that's what you're saying. I think you seriously owe Rando an apology. Btw, Skull Radio's gonna be a long one this week, huh?

Okay, the one thing I'd say about the Blue Leaf moveset (besides thanks for changing the Shining Wizard, not that it would have concerned me if you kept it) is that the character is 223lbs and has Strength 4. Which in wrestling terms isn't that big. But, the fed is as you'll find out made up of a lot of cruiserweights. Very, very few characters are under your 250 'lifting limit'. The only real lifting move besides the finisher and rare moves is the Uranage. You could probably get away with a couple more lifting moves if you wanted, there's not going to be many characters you write against that'll be too big for them, I can guarantee it. Can't see much if any wrong with the Fulminatus! stats. Suitably 'out there', I like it.

Seriously, what the hell happened!? I zoned out of the fed for a week or so and next thing I know, there's about five new writers. And not just that, but new writers who actually post in the Community Board. Hell, new writers that actually know the Community Board exists even!

We DO!? Man, how come I've never been invited to any of those get-togethers? I'll have to bring it up around the campfire at the next team meeting. Actually, with the amount of ripping off actual wrestling storylines and characters (ie., virtually everything) that goes on over there from all involved, I wouldn't be surprised if someone had actually ripped off the Austin/Angle sing-along word for word already. But that's besides the point. Let the real serious e-motherfuckin-wrestling discussions continue.

Go up to Finlay or Regal or JBL in an airport, ask them if it's 'fake'. See what happens. Better yet, search out someone like Vader. It's only fake when WWE tell us it's fake. It's real when WWE tells us it's real. That makes it different from CSI and 24, where there is no grey line. When a character dies on a drama show, a- it's understood that it's fake, there's no grey line that makes people believe it is real (case in point, the amount of people who DID think it was real, when did that ever happen with CSI or 24 or House or something like that?) and b- it's not treated in the same vein as a real death would be, which is basically what WWE have been doing. Besides that, Wrestling isn't like acting, otherwise wrestlers wouldn't take bumps, stunt-people would.

Yeah. I mean, they didn't real build up any reason for anyone to have any sympathy for him, unlike his other face turns. Unless the 'Vince isn't right in the head' was supposed to be the way of making him a sympathetic character. In which case, it didn't work. That's why I can't see any other outcome, besides it being faked by McMahon.

Instead of another belt, why not have the New Blood Championship be a trophy. Just to mix things up. Like the ROH Top Of The Class Trophy. *waits for 'Drea to get pissed at stealing her suggestion*

Okay, I figured it out. Remember during the draft when Lashley and Masters came out onto the stage and their pyro was magically right there waiting for them? Even though Lashley had already had a match and presumably used his pyro up? Well, maybe they upgraded the pyro so the wrestlers can take it wherever they go. You know, like Viscera and Cryme Time's theme music. Theory- Lashley was standing on the other side of the limo, winding down after a hard night. He yawned, stretched too far and... KABOOM, portable pyro.

Whenever the WWE tells us it's entertainment then it's entertainment, but if they tell us it's real, it's real? How many times have the WWE come out and say 'it's okay folks, this is just entertainment'? I think I speak for JINGUS when I say he knows the difference, the point is you can't compare this to a storyline in any other medium where this difference doesn't exist. So, in other words, WWE want to play it both ways and we, the loyal marks fans should swallow whichever line we're being fed. (Man, that strikethrough really helps get the point across, huh?)

Their big finish is a Powerbomb into a pile of thumbtacks sprinkles. No lie. Well, it used to be when they were rudos. Which they were fantastic at. Not sure since they defected to the technico sides, I'm a bit behind on the DVDs, so I don't know how different they are now. For what it's worth, Quack seems pretty high on Lince. I've got Lince and Chuck as the last two in the night one six-man with Chuck going over, Corbin and Cruz last two on night two with Corbin winning. And then Corbin to win overall. I must getting behind on my indies though, I'm a huge CHIKARA fan in particular, but there's at least 8 names on there I've never seen wrestle.

They did Starrcade together too, I'm pretty sure.

An Exploding Hummer! The holy grail of professional wrestling storylines.

I dunno. I'd venture a guess that he wrote for a show called "Dallas" once upon a time though. Honestly, I don't care where the storyline goes, who wrestles who, whatever. What with this, the draft and the Jackass angle coming up, I've entered my yearly 'logic hibernation' and have given up on caring whether anything WWE does makes sense or is 'tasteful' or not anymore. It seems like the only way to keep sane watching anymore, to enjoy it as the braindead entertainment it's becoming. Maybe that's London's excuse as well.

If this could go somewhere in the middle of the show to break it (it being this and the opening promo) up a bit, that'd be great. In a flash, we're transported backstage, where outside the arena The South Central Militia are stood, outside of a jet black limousine. Leant up against the limo is Landon Maddix, holding a handful of bills, which he is busy counting out into the outstretched hand of Vincent Santana. Marcellus Wallace already has his wad of cash and is eyeing it carefully. MADDIX 280... 290... and, that's three hundred. Gentlemen, a pleasure doing business with you. SANTANA Yo, 'amigo', this better not be no Mexican money. We wanna cash this stash in, ya heard? WALLACE Yeah, we ain't dealin' in no foreign exchange. It all about the dollar dollar bill. MADDIX ...yep, that's whatever you just said for ya. The SCM glance at each other and grunt. MADDIX Well, now that the formalities have been taken care of, I actually have got places to be this time. So I guess I'll be seeing you two 'homeboys' around. In an attempt to be 'down', Landon tries to guide Moe through a long and convoluted handshake sequence. Wallace looks a little bemused as La Cucaracha even goes so far as to add the SPRINKLE~ at the end. Landon then thinks about doing the same to Vinny, but reading the disinterested look on his face, he settles for a simple fist pump. WALLACE Listen, this Malibu cracka... he don't get the message, you know who to call on. SANTANA Terms an' conditions applyin', natch'. You got the beans, we gots the means. We ain't gonna back down from no fight, but me an' Moe, we like breakin' faces that bit mo' when we gots Ben Franklin along for the ride. Holla atcha boi! MADDIX Listen, don't you two worry about Zack Malibu. I've got a feeling you'll be seeing plenty more of him. Some dogs, they just don't know when to stay down after a good kicking. Which is when you gotta pull the Ol' Yella on them, if you catch my drift. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a plane to catch... (Landon enters the limo) ... Landon Maddix has left the building! The limo screeches off as soon as the door shuts behind Landon (thankfully not exploding in the process, I hope I haven't referenced that too many times this week), leaving The South Central Militia to count their 'takings' for the night. COLE Well, I guess that explains it. Landon Maddix paid off The South Central Militia to do his dirty work for him! COACH It wouldn't be the first time Moe and Vinny made a little on the side, if you know what I mean. COLE The South Central Militia, no qualms, they'll take anyone's blood money I guess. They might have delved themselves in far deeper than they ever expected though. Trust me, I know Zack Malibu and Zack isn't one to let indiscretions go unpunished. Landon definately hasn't, but Vinny and Moe might not have seen the last of our World Champion either. I just hope it was worth it. COACH Pssh, of course it was! 600 dollars? Most people would lay out Zack for a third of that!

As is becoming almost customary (like Meatloaf sang, two outta three ain't bad), HeldDOWN~! kicks off in a big way as "Getting Away With Murder" by Papa Roach powers through the arena. The Memphis crowd rise to their feet as the doors part, making way for the World's Heavyweight Champion! BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... your OAOAST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAACCKK MMMMMAAAAALLLLLIIIIIIIBBUUUUUUUU!!! "YYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Zack tags a few hands on his march to the ring. He certainly doesn't look in that great of a mood. But, he knows what's up when it comes to keeping the masses happy. A slapped hand here, a bought t-shirt there. Ching ching ching all the way to the bank baby. COLE And welcome to the home of Kings, Memphis Tennessee, where the King of the OAOAST is wasting no time in gracing us with his presence. COACH What's the over-under on an Elvis reference tonight? I've got 2 minutes, fifty one seconds in the sweepstakes. Rolling into the ring, Zack accepts the microphone from Buffer and waits for some decorum from the crowd. ZACK (holds up a hand to quieten the crowd) Now, I don't want to waste too much of everyone's time tonight talking. There's plenty of other people in the back who can do that job much more efficiently. I want to make this real short and sweet. Last week, as I'm sure you all saw, I defended this OAOAST World Heavyweight Title for the first time in virtually three years. Just like I promised to, I started on the road to bringing some prestige back to the World Title. Boricua was a stiff test. He's a big guy, an uncompromising opponent. Trust me, I've still got the bruises from Boricua even a week on. But I took him on and I came out victorious. A few of the crowd applaud, needlessly. ZACK Thank you. Now, one other thing I promised was that I was to be a fighter. Not someone who shies away from battle. If someone wants a shot at Zack Malibu, they're not going to have to wonder if and when he's going to be in the same area-code, let alone the same arena. They can be sure that he won't be hard to find. Which brings me to Landon [i]'La Cucaracha'[/i] Maddix... "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" ZACK It's real simple. Seeing as you're finding it so hard to wait until The Great Angle Bash, let's not wait. You clearly want Zack Malibu... and trust me, I'd like nothing more than to ki... The World Champion begins to trail off at the end of his last sentence, his eye caught by the changing picture on the AngleTron. The sounds of the hustle and bustle of the Memphis air hover around as we see the very person, LANDON "LA CUCARACHA" MADDIX, standing in what is clearly the parking lot. Landon smirks as back in the arena, Zack puts his hands on his hips. MADDIX Let me cut you off, because we all know where this is going Zack. You play the bigman, I come out full off bravado and say I'll take you on...... just not tonight~!, right? Well, usually that might be true. Clichéd as it may be, I'm a sucker for the classics. But, honestly... (glances at watch)... it's not really worth my time. See, there's the point right there Zack. At The Great Angle Bash, you will be worth my time. Your World Heavyweight Championship will be worth my time. Now? No. Just... just no. ZACK So, you found a cameraman and dragged him into the parking lot just to tell me 'no'? MADDIX Pretty much, yes. Zack rolls his eyes. MADDIX Although, I do feel I owe you an explanation. See, last week, I guess you could say I 'played my Wildcard' when I came out and attacked you. A moment of weakness, I assure you. See, I'd just lost the SWF Title, I... ZACK Yeah, I heard about that! Unhappy at being cut off, especially for the reason he was, Landon grits his teeth. MADDIX Jest all you like, Malibu. All that's going to do is make me more determined to take YOUR title! Infact, the only reason I'm even here tonight was to sign off on some paperwork. Now that's done? Well, I guess I'll be on my way. See you June 24th Zack. And with that, Landon begins to walk off. ZACK Hey, Landon! Don't try and leave in a limo whatever you do, never know what might happen! COLE *rimshot* COACH *shifty eyes* MADDIX (jogging back into shot) I'll have you know, I leave [i]everywhere[/i] I go in a limo. That's the life you lead when you're a bonafide success story like myself. Comes with the territory. ZACK Okay, if you insist. But, just to be on the safe side, let me get the door for you. And with that (I really have to come up with some new segueways), Zack drops the microphone and begins to march back up the aisle. The crowd cheer Zack on as we see Landon on the AngleTron, questioning to someone if Zack is actually coming after him. The parking lot and the ring are understandably a little ways away though, so in the meantime, we cut to Sofa Central. COLE Well, anyone hanging out in the parking lot was probably tempting fate to begin with, considering recent events... COACH *more shifty eyes* COLE ...but now, I suggest they make themselves scarse and quick. Because Zack Malibu is on the warpath! COACH Yawn. Same old, same old. You know, Zack's got a real mentality problem. He always has to take everything in this business to heart and have everything effect him so personally, it's no wonder he's got so many enemies. If you continually go looking for trouble, sooner or later you're gonna find it, that's my opinion. COLE I hardly think Zack is 'looking for trouble'. It was Landon that interrupted him two weeks ago... and Landon who tried to ambush him just last week! COACH Look, he already explained that... COLE ...okay, we're hearing through the headsets, that Zack is... well, let's go back there... We cut back to the parking lot, just as Zack has made his way into the parking lot. As he skims past a couple of cars, Zack finds himself in the wide-open, looking around a little cautiously as he unstraps the OAOAST World Title and sets it on a car hood. With no sign of Landon around, Malibu stands with hands on hips, scanning the lot. Let's face it, wrestlers in parking lots, it doesn't always end well. Which gives Zack the right to look a little suspicious. COLE Did Landon leave? COACH Well, that was his intention before Zack went storming out there, so maybe. Keeping half an eye on his belt, Zack continues to walk around, trying to figure out if he's even in the right spot which Landon was being filmed from. And after a few seconds warning, suddenly off jogs Zack, in the direction of where Maddix can be seen, standing on the roof of a white rental car. COLE Here we go! Curiously, Landon doesn't seem worried that he's been found, or that he's being charged at by the world's foremost pissed off prep. A simple smirk hangs on his face. Zack continues running at him, ready to scale the front of the car in mid-run... ...when suddenly, he comes to a stop. *OOOOF!* A painful stop. COLE HEY... what the hell!? The same smirk stays etched on Landon's face, as Zack collapses, wheezing from the knee driven into his gut from MARCELLUS WALLACE of the South Central Miltia! Before Zack can recover his breath Marcellus grabs him in a front facelock and holds him in place, as VINCENT SANTANA runs over... *KE-RAAAACK!* ...AND BREAKS A WOODEN 2x4 CLEAN IN HALF OVER ZACK'S LOWER BACK!!! COLE OH! That two-by-four, right across the ribs... damnit, it was all a trap! COACH Gee, ya think Columbo? Zack drops to the cold concrete, groaning in pain and clutching his ribs as The SCM look at one another, shrug and figure why not put the boots to the World Champion for good measure. With the two on one beatdown in progress, Landon climbs down from the car in the background, swaggering over, so pleased with himself. With a couple of pats on the back Landon calls off the hounds and kneels down next to Zack, who is still curled up, agonisingly groaning and wheezing for breath. MADDIX See, I tried to warn you this would happen, I really did. It's just like I said Zachary... ALL the more determined now. All the more determined. Letting out a tortured cough, Zack can do little more than just glare up at Landon through his wincing eyes. MADDIX Looks like you're not quite the 'fighting champion' you proclaim to be anymore, huh Zack? Hope you know a good chiropractor buddy, not long now. 10 more days and you are mine Zack, whatever's left of you at least. Oh and hey, seeing as it's Memphis, what the hell. (throws arms skywards) The King is dead... long live the King! HAHA, man I am a RIOT! C'mon guys. With one last soccer kick delivered to the ribs, Santana along with Wallace and Landon walk off, leaving Zack laying like roadkill in the middle of the parking lot. Zack continues to groan in pain as finally the camerman has the good sense to forget about filming and try and tend to the World Champion. COLE Well, Landon brings up a good point, we probably should have seen this coming. After all, he's done some pretty low things in the past. And that ranks right up there! He lured Zack back, right into the waiting South Central Militia, who by the way I have NO idea what their problem with Zack is. What is their relationship with La Cucaracha!? I don't get it. The former SWF World Champion... COACH Why must you keep bringing that up? COLE ...he looks like a desperate man to me. And that desperation has led to what we just saw. Zack Malibu, the World Champion, laid out and hopefully if someone is listening, we can get some medical attention back there for Zack. COACH [i]Somebody[/i] better be listening, otherwise our job is pretty pointless. But that aside, let's not get it twisted. 'Desperate' is one opinion on it. Me? I prefer genius. COLE Genius!? COACH Genius. It was an ingenious plan. Landon fed Zack the bait and sure enough, SuperZack swallowed it hook, line and sinker. Hell, I'm sure deep down Zack realised it might be a trap, but he just couldn't resist the chance to play the big action-hero of the OAOAST, our very own Sylvester Stallone. And now he's lying in the dirt trying to hold his ribs in place. Hardly Eye Of The Tiger stuff, is it? Because Zack's not dealing with some action-movie villian who leaves James Bond tied-up in a room all alone, he's dealing with Landon Maddix. COLE ...you're unbelievable. Let's take a well deserved break, shall we?

"For the crime of attempted murder, I'm giving you a 5% paycut" "AWWWWWWWWW!" Seriously though, pro wrestling is exempt from all sorts of assault and murder laws. This is common knowledge. We could spend an entire week drawing up a list of times where someone really should have been locked up for commiting a crime on national TV, but just ended up getting punished by being booked against the victim on PPV or something. And no, that wasn't a Randy Orton joke.

I think Coach is about the least logicial person to have done it, if only because if they spend five/six months running a storyline to have the final conclusion be 'Coachman did it', the only appropriate reaction would be complete and utter silence, some sort of "slide whistle noise" and roll credits.

I just hope they can match the last Whodunnit angle! Hopefully this leads to Shane lampooning Mysterio, at least for a little while. Have him coming out with the VKM armband for matches. The hilarity of him doing Vince's strut during the big babyface comeback would be worth it alone. "He's Mr.McMahoning up!!"

Yeah, that doesn't read very well (EDIT: what I typed, that is). I meant the ending of the 4-part. The ending's really painted them in a corner. The idea that, as HTQ said, Jimmy's spent a good year or so chasing after Lacey and now doesn't want her now that they've slept together, while I guess it's 'realistic', really seemed like a downer. Watching Part 4, I was sitting there waiting for the punchline before it turned out they really did sleep together. And at the end, it was just a 'wtf' kinda reaction. It just seemed... unfulfilling, I guess. I'm unsure on Lacey being the sympathetic character all of a sudden. If it turns out that Jimmy was disappointed because he didn't want the relationship to just be about sex, or if he realises Lacey only slept with him to keep him under the thumb, that might work. But if they're going to try and turn them into Ross and Rachel or JD and Elliot, "I want her, I don't want her, oh wait yes I do", I don't know as that's how it should happen. Maybe plans changed and they tried to find a way to extend the storyline now Jimmy's injured.

OKERLUND Right now, I want to bring in two gentlemen with a lot on their minds right now, Lucius Soul and Rico de Janeiro, the HI-YAH Tag Team Champions... From either side of shot, in walk the two members of The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew. Both sporting annoyed looks, Lucius furiously combing his 'fro. OKERLUND ...and judging from the looks on your faces, you're well aware of the big announcement regarding The Great Angle Bash. LUCIUS You damn right we aware! And lemme tell ya Gene-O, there's only one word to describe it... 'wack'. Real wack! OKERLUND I don't think I'm familiar with that word. LUCIUS It ain't right Gene-O, it just ain't right brotha'. Putting us against not one, but [i]two[/i] teams? What did we ever do to deserve that!? Just because the cowboys and the rockstars have got beef? Listen, that ain't got nothin' to do with me an' Rico man. If them fools got beef, then let 'em settle it between them. Don't go gettin' me and Rico, a couple'a innocent bystanders, involved in all'a this! OKERLUND Innocent bystanders? So, you're saying that you don't hold any responsibility for the wedge driven in the friendship between The Lonestar Gunslingers and The Heavenly Rockers? LUCIUS Eeee-xactly! RICO This isn't our doing. The cosmic Gods of love thrust myself and Hollywood into each other's paths and our pants. It was fate. A fateful attraction. An issue between one man and one woman, just as nature intended. *strokes 'stache* Until, The Heavenly Rockers got involved. Did we ask for that? Not at all. We took them on... and The Gunslingers got involved. So, we graciously give the cowboys not one but two shots at our belts... sure enough, Synth and Logan gotta stick their noses in again. And now, there's trouble in paradise? Hey. Nothing to do with us. LUCIUS Gene-O, lemme break it down for ya. We don't know why dem fools are 'friends' and frankly, we don't care neither. All me an' Rico are is victims of circumstancerations. OKERLUND :huh: LUCIUS And the fact we've gotta defend our straps against four instead'a two, just because suckas can't keep their egos in check? That just ain't right in mah book! OKERLUND Well right or wrong, it will happen at The Great Angle Bash. You two men versus The Heavenly Rockers versus The Lonestar Gunslingers, your biggest test to date. Suddenly, Lucius grins. LUCIUS You know what Gene-O... I wanna thank you man. OKERLUND Really? LUCIUS Yeah. You know, up until just now, me an' Rico were a little pertubed at the cards that had been dealt us, if you know what I mean. But, you've given us the chance to get some stuff off our chests. And now, thinkin' 'bout it for a minute, we are just innocent bystanders. So, maybe come The Bash, we'll just stand innocently by, while the 'friends' do what they gotta do. RICO You know what, da's right chico. This might not be so bad after all. See, you wanna have The 'Slingers and The Rockers out there at the same time? Not a problem. 'Cause, we're more than happy for Holly and Melody to be in the same place at the same time too. Mardi Gras's a happenin' man, there's plenty to go around. And come Great Angle Bash, the way I sees it, it's gonna come down to just one thing. Who wants it. Who wants it more. Who wants... Rico grind his hips and thrusts his pelvis off into the distance. RICO ...A MOUSTACHE RIDE!! *strokes 'stache* LUCIUS :D OKERLUND Gentlemen, I think I've heard enough! You two are repulsive! Lets go back to ringside... (Rico and Lucius walk away)... I cannot believe you two! COACH Crazy old rambling man Gene Okerlund there!

Honestly, I'm not really 'mad' about it myself. It just seems like a mis-calculation, which as much good as it does for the PPV system, it disrupts the DVD system, especially for people who can't get the PPVs. Those that if they're going to buy the 6/9 show, should expect to get the entire 6/9 show when they buy it. Doesn't bother me that much personally, because I'm pretty strict as to what ROH DVDs I buy anyway and 6/8 looks the better show. What kinda bothers me, the fake injury angle... never a fan. I guess technically it's not really 'bait and switch', but it's close enough that it bugs me. Besides, I'd have been more interested in Danielson/Sydal than Danielson/McGuiness anyway, seeing as I already have the one that mattered at Unified. The thing that's really bugging me with ROH right now is the way that Jimmy Loves Lacey ended. But that's a rant I don't want to get into right now.

Conquistadors, please.

But they have to buy an extra DVD to do so, right?

Bold prediction: Next week, the show starts with Vince waking up in the shower. Turns out the past 20 years have all been 'a dream' and it's really June 1987. The current roster gets a makeover, impersonating the roster of 1987 and Vince lives his dream of truly re-writing history. The WWE consists of everybody rehashing old angles from years past... ...well, okay, so that part's redundant.

That press release was hilarious. Vince's death, the (if it were real, obviously) biggest moment in wrestling history, summised to basically "The man who created this entire company and shaped wrestling to where it is today is presumed dead. Tune into RAW next Monday night for more details!" Can't wait until next week, when they push the angle again in the preview, but even during this time of deep sorrow remember to remind us that WWE Champion John Cena will be in the house, 9 p.m. ET/8C~! *Obligatory "it was Bret Hart and now he's going to lead the Invasion" joke.*