Toshiaki Koala

Smarks Board Name: Toshiaki Koala Wrestlers Name: “The Critic” Scott Pretzler Height: 5’11” Weight: 232 lbs. Hometown: Toronto, Ontario Age: 29 Face/Heel: Heel Stable: None – former member of Revolution Zero Ring Escort: None Weapon(s): His wrestling ability. Quote: “Feel the swankness.” Looks: The Critic is a handsome and clean-cut young man, but not as youthful as he once was. His blond hair is fairly short and is combed straight back; plain but good-looking would be the best way to describe his face. He is in excellent physical shape but his body shows no signs of steroid use. Since the last time we saw him, he has acquired one notable feature: a straight scar, about eight inches long, on his right shoulder. He wears traditional black trunks with a metallic red tildebang insignia (~!) on the front and “SP” in jagged red letters on the back. Black wrist taping, black kneepads and black boots with red laces to match his trunks complete his ring attire. He has deep-set blue eyes. He will sometimes wear a black robe with red trim and the tildebang logo over his heart. The red/black color pattern for his trunks and robe may be reversed. Ring Entrance: As the choral opening to “Force Ten” by Rush soars over the speaker system, a red light flashes in the entryway, growing in frequency, until the guitar kicks in and Pretzler emerges onto the stage. Tough times demand tough talk demand tough hearts demand tough songs demand… He stops and places his hands on his hips as he stares down smugly at the audience, their boos like music to his ears. “Making his way to the ring… from Toronto, Ontario, weighing two hundred thirty-two pounds… SCOTT PUUUUUH-REEEETZLEEEER!” We can rise and fall like empires Flow in and out like the tide Be vain and smart, humble and dumb We can hit and miss like pride… just like pride. Taking his time, he walks down the ramp, climbs the steps, and enters the ring with pride. The audience continues to boo as he paces the ring. Look in To the eye of the storm Look out For the force without form Look around At the sight and the sound Look in look out look around… Stats: Strength: 5 He cannot lift bulky opponents, but is capable of fearsome bursts of energy and puts a great deal of power into his impact moves and holds. Speed: 3 Pretzler prefers to keep the match in one place. When he does fly, his aerial attacks are precise and devoid of flash. Vitality: 6 His small size makes him vulnerable to power moves, but he has GREAT stamina and almost never submits. Charisma: 6 Charismatic is the last way Pretzler would describe himself, but his command of the audience’s feelings (namely, hatred) is absolute. His promos are verbose and condescending. Style: Priding himself on his technical abilities, Pretzler works a style that features impactful moves with little flash or style. Because the Snowflake Clutch puts pressure on the neck and back, Pretzler will relentlessly attempt to wear down this area using strikes, holds, and backbreakers. His contempt for the audience will sometimes lead him to intentionally slow the match to a crawl, and when this happens he revels in the crowd’s frustration. He never uses weapons in a match, but outside of the ring his actions may take a less disciplined course. Signature moves: Suplex Trifecta - Any three suplexes strung together in a logical way. Can be a finisher, depending on the specific moves used. Examples: German-German-Dragon, German-German-Snowflake, Snap-Snap-Brainbuster. Octopus Hold – Pretzler bends his opponent over so that their upper bodies are perpendicular, hooks his left leg over the back of the foe’s head while placing his right in front of the other's left, and wrenches the right arm back in his own direction. Powerbomb – Done high-speed à la Chris Benoit’s Wildbomb. Pretzler always holds on for the pin, and sometimes flips over in a jackknife. Brainbuster – Not a complete vertical drop like Hashimoto’s, this is still very punishing to the neck. Guillotine Leg Drop – One of Pretzler’s few aerial maneuvers. He will attempt it only if he is certain that it will not be avoided (could therefore be considered a rare move as well.) Front Guillotine Neck Lock – With both men standing, Pretzler applies a front facelock and then scissors his legs around the opponent’s body, pulling him down to the mat. Crossface Chickenwing – Used to wear down the neck in preparation for the Snowflake Clutch, this can also end a match by itself. Common moves: Knife-Edged Chops Elbows to the back of the neck European Uppercut High-Angle Dropkick (Best in the business!) Lariat Powerslam Back Drop German Suplex (With or without bridge) Butterfly Suplex Front Neck Lock (Opponent either standing or seated) Pendulum Backbreaker Headlocks! Technical headlocks. Lots of them. Shoulder Neckbreaker Grounded Neck Lock w/ Arm Scissor (Samoa Joe's 'Joejigatame') ARM-BAR~! Rare moves: Tope Suicida – Pretzler has a beautiful suicide dive, but he rarely busts it out as the risk for him is too great. Top Rope Frankensteiner – Another junior-style move that Pretzler has the ability to execute but will do so only when desperate. Snowflake Suplex - A cross-arm German suplex, also called a Strait Jacket Suplex. Near-impossible to escape, but equally hard to hit. Finishers: Snowflake Clutch – A camel clutch variation in which the opponent’s arms are crossed in front of his chest. Unlike a regular camel clutch, this starts with the opponent in a seated position. Nearly identical to Jinsei Shinzaki’s Goku-Raku Gatame. Often set up with a hard elbow to the back of the neck causing the opponent to fall to his knees. The Tildebang – Pretzler puts his opponent in a rear facelock and lifts him up as if to deliver a reverse brainbuster; when the jabroni’s body is at a 90-degree angle, Pretzler drops him down into a Michinoku Driver. (See the “Yukiguni Driver β” in Fire Pro Advance.) Pretzler will almost never use this on opponents heavier than 250 lbs. Notes: Scott Pretzler despised Sports-Entertainment. A former world champion in the northeast-based Ring of Respect promotion, he came to the SWF with the lofty goal of “saving” North American pro wrestling. Both highly educated and a superb athlete, he simply could’t help believing that he was better than everyone else – his every word and action dripped with arrogance. His superiority complex allowed him to overlook any morally questionable actions he may take, and on very rare occasions he was willing to play dirty to get the job done. Pretzler racked up an impressive record in his first year of competition, with an undefeated streak followed by multiple Cruiserweight Championship victories. It seemed that nothing could stop him. Then, on September 7, 2005, Pretzler tore his rotator cuff in a match against the Crimson Skull. While doctors told him the injury would sideline him for no more than six months, a botched surgical procedure greatly aggravated the condition and made it unlikely that he would ever wrestle again. For over two years, not a word was heard from him. Now, without warning, Pretzler has returned… but is he the same man he once was?

Jackie Wilson singing "O Holy Night." 03_O_Holy_Night.mp3

Sorry about the non-match, but I was really pressed for time... if I'd known how long the show was going to get delayed, I would have put in a stronger effort. Still, I think it did its job.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml...12/wtree112.xml

Don't kill the funniest man alive.

Norman Mailer. I had him.

White Power!

President's Choice makes some genuinely good frozen chicken breasts—too bad it's just about impossible to find a store around here that carries them.

I've read that. The statistics probably have more to do with the fact that people who are sick (and thus more likely to die) tend to sleep more.

I saw an Asian kid who'd written on his shirt "Will Fuck For Rice." Not much of a costume, but I LOL'd.

God Bless America.

Then all the kids who read it would have turned gay. That's how it works.

Paul McCartney - "Nod Your Head" Maybe not the worst, but worth a mention.