Toxxic

I may be WAAAAAYYYYY behind the times here, but how exactly was the 'Hirohito' character going to be offensive to the Japanese? I am not Japanese, I know no-one who is Japanese, I know very little about Japanese wrestling and I have never actually heard details on what the gimmick would have entailed - anyone care to help me out?

How is that a bad thing? Storylines AND wrestling is what makes professional wrestling work. Matches for no reason are fine as far as they go, but I'd rather watch a decent match with a story behind it than the same match that's been thrown together for no reason. Hardcore Holly isn't young. Nor is Bradshaw. Cena and Rene Dupree are, sure, but out of the four you mention the only one who IMO deserves the push he's got is Cena. Holly is mediocre, Bradshaw is worse, Dupree is still green and even Cena is losing his ability to make up for his current average in-ring ability with his raps since they've got stale. It sucks. Sorry, but it does. How many times has Eddy been arrested now? Four? Five? Every damn week, it seems like. WHY THE HELL does having his mother "suffer a heart attack" sound like a GOOD storyline to you? It's tacky, it's cheesy, it's OTT and it's totally unnecessary. Two words - 'Papa Shango'. Voodoo "priest" from the early 90s (played by the same guy who later became the Godfather, if that rings any bells). Sure, Booker isn't anywhere near as obvious as Shango was, but it still smacks of a lack of ideas. And I'd actualy be really, REALLY up for a subtly-voodoo Booker T IF there was the slightest change in HELL that he could ever beat the Undertaker. He's already jobbed once, clean, on PPV. Now it looks like he's going to job, clean, again, on free-to-air TV. How does that help anyone? And before you say anything, it's not like Taker needs the help. The Undertaker is, for better or worse, a legitimate and immediate title threat no matter WHAT has gone on. He doesn't need the build even if they're seeking to put him into the title picture soon (which I pray to God doesn't happen). Yeah, new... and failed. He didn't win it, so the angle is fairly worthless. And it simply encourages the xenophobic attitude that the WWE falls into all too easily. I'm English. I'm ALLOWED to dislike French people (several centuries of wars will give you that prerogative), but the way the WWE goes off about it makes me nauseous. Nothing truly remarkable, but by and large their feuds are built around wrestling. OK, Kane/Matt/Lita isn't, but the rest are. Even though Trish/Jericho/Xian wasn't it was still done well. HHH and HBK hate each other due to years of history and the fact that they've stopped each other from getting the World Title (wrestling). Orton and Benjamin are feuding for the IC Title (wrestling). Kane envies Benoit for his normality and his title (wrestling). Compared to that all Smackdown has is a Senior Citizen with a belt, racism in the main event and the unending question of will Charlie Haas ever truly accept his gay tag partner.

MAIN EVENT TAG TEAM MATCH Janus/Landon Maddix vs. Danny Williams/Alan Clark ~Well now, here's a couple of interesting teams. But since I'm a mark for Janus and LANDON IS GOLD~ I have to go with them. ~The Drug Of Maddixtion picks up the win for my boys. BEST-OF-FIVE SERIES UWF-i POINTS SYSTEM MATCH Dace Night (2) vs. Tom Flesher (1) ~Booking logic says Flesher. In practice, it could go either way. So I'll say Flesher and hope for a HUGE PPV blow-off. ENDLESS FOUR CORNERS MATCH The Masked Man vs. Ryan Dustin vs. Tryst vs. Jimmy Liston ~Tryst and Liston don't write. Dustin is good, from what I've seen - but for all the HORRIBLE gimmick, TMM is Grappler. So Grappler. RETURN SINGLES MATCH Munich vs. David Blazenwing ~Blazenwing. If he shows. Yeah, don't look so surprised. TRIPLE THREAT FOR THE #1 CONTENDERSHIP TO THE ICTV TITLE Ace Lezaire vs. Mike Van Siclen vs. Johnny Dangerous ~Lezaire. Muzz is good, and I think he has it on these two. SINGLES MATCH John Duran vs. Todd Cortez ~Duran, if he shows. ~Duran wins, although what the manner of it was I couldn't tell you. I was too busy laughing at the fact that Duran kept knocking the ref out, and every time he got up... WHOOPS, he'd go down again! HARDCORE MATCH Toxxic vs. Insane Luchadore ~In the words of one particular fast food chain's advertising campaign - I'm Lovin' It. ~SD5 says that the Underkill (probably onto a chair) gets the win for me. SINGLES MATCH Jacob Helmsley vs. Austin Sly ~No matter who the booker is, Sly always faces Jake sooner or later. And I'm not seeing that the result will be any different this time around. Sly. ~SD5 argues with me and says that the Black Stallion gives Jake the win.

Strangler, you fucking ROCK. This is JUST what I needed. Well IL, guess it's time to break out the Hardcore goodness again. See if you can get revenge for the All-Show Brawl...

OK - I know Ric Flair was in a plane crash and broke his back way back when. Is this the reason why he only ever takes back bumps on one side (his left I think, without looking at a tape as I type). I just would have thought that even with a previously broken back you'd surely do more damage to your ribcage on one side by landing like that than you would with a flat back bump, especially over the period of time that Flair's been wrestling. Anyone?

No. Randy Orton has improved to the point where he is now a vaguely credible IC champion, at least by today's standards - his ring work is OK, his timing is less cringeworthy than it was and he no longer trips himself up on the mic. But now he's comfortably on this level, let's not elevate him another one yet, hey?

Oh yeah - Technical Perfection is BACK, Bay-bee!

OK - A shame neither Blazenwing or James showed, unless they missed the "replacement" announcement and sent their respective matches to Thoth. And... we have a Landon promo, which HAS to be a good thing. And we have a SIXTY MINUTE IRONMAN MATCH! Jesus Christ, that's gonna be a bastard to write. And the Jessica/IL interaction, filmed by Ace Lezaire... nice. Luchador seems much more... well... SANE than he does in his promos, but it's all good. And so soon we may be seeing Janus' sister banging Rickmen. Christ. The Ace/Duran match - more good stuff from Muzz, not quite sure about exactly how big Duran is put over to be though. Sure, he's a big man but not on the level of Charlie Matthews, Janus or Aecas... still, the size difference is enough. I'm also a little unsure why the referee changes from Michael Hall to Ced Ordonez just after the bell rings. Still, good match and Lezaire continues on his run. Card is coming back. GOOD. Never knew he used Pitchshifter as entrance music - i was considering doing that at one point too! And Danny pledges that he will not lose the title again without successfully defending it at least once. Well, I respect Danny and all but I'd mark out like a little bitch if Janus beat him. And the Masked Man is here, fresh from the 1980s! Well, this is going to be... interesting... IL & Sly vs Crowdust. All good stuff. I like the fact that it's the heels, for once, who are the ones not getting along. Chasing Jessica around the ring actually fits in with Sly's character, and Rickmen rescuing her is just the sort of crazy thing Rickmen would do. nice, BRUTAL finish too. I'm looking forward to the Crow/IL showdown. My promo - hopefully not ripping off this week's Triple H / Shawn Michaels thing, but I just wanted to get over that Kibagami and Toxxic just want to HURT each other rather than talk. Johnny vs Cortez - You know, Johnny's putting a decent run together as Cruiserweight Champion. If only we could have this sort of stability in the world title picture. Flesher vs Dace - well, I'm surprised at the manner of it, but not surprised at all that Dace won. I'm smelling a co-write rather than a no-show though, so it seems that we'll be going all the way to the PPV. Landon vs Mike vs Spike - what can I say but LANDON IS GOLD~! Push him to the main event! Janus vs Clark - Well, at least Janus IS getting pushed to the main event, and I'm a mark for him, so that's good. And next time I'll see if I can actually beat the big bastard. ANd he retains against Clark too in convincing fashion. w00t - great show, good matches and a fair few promos too. Not all from Rando either, which makes a change. Go us!

Jesus Christ, the SWF is being overrun by Boy Scouts. OK, I'm making it my mission to destroy this stable. All those in favour... you know where to find me.

BEST.ANGLE.EVER This entire thing would be worth it for that one moment.

Oh God, can you imagine that? *imagines it* You know, I'm having trouble. I dunno. Would a whiny, self-pitying teenage creep work better as a heel or would it actually APPEAL to the 13-18 Nu-metal demographic? It's actually an interesting idea for a gimmick, if you could just work out where it'd go. I'll guarantee you this - Anglesaut would HATE it.

??? Yeah. You evidently know all about my sex life... O...Kay then... Compare Lita's breasts with those of all the other females on the roster (bar Jazz and Stacy). Lita's move. The others don't. They look far more real to me than anyone elses (again, bar Jazz and Stacy, but there ain't much there to look at in their cases). You may disagree, but in my opinion if Lita has had a boob job then her surgeon was much better than, say, Trish's.

You do realize that Lita has had at least three boob jobs, don't you? Then she went to a bloody excellent surgeon, is all I can say. Look natural to me as opposed to the rest of the female rosters' "Look, I have two lumps of flesh-coloured Play-Do attached to my chest!" Yee-uck.

I think Lita's hot. She and Stacy Keibler are the only ones who aren't Miss Plastic Fantastic.

*awaits joke about Crowe banging on his lonesome*

Those few people who ever get to see Nathaniel Kibagami’s house in Phoenix are usually surprised. These people will normally have a pre-conceived idea of the lifestyle of an SWF wrestler, especially those on a big-money contract like they’d presume Nathaniel to be. What they find is something of a shock - a mid-sized house in the Phoenix suburbs; a decent-sized lawn and a small swimming pool, sure, but none of the flash that might be expected. For far too long, Kibagami spent his money on other things. There are no Rolls or expensive sports cars in the garage or left conspicuously on show on the drive. No infra-red controlled gates or attractive Phillipino maids. Upon entering the most prominent feature is the living room with its comfortable leather sofa, widescreen plasma TV... and a wall of videos. Kibagami sits back on the sofa and closes his eyes. He got used to this place when he was rehabbing, grew accustomed to waking up in the morning with the same room around him, being able to go downstairs and make his breakfast as and when and how he likes it. After so many years on the road, wrestling in front of the fans all over America and indeed the world, it was a luxury. Normally he wouldn’t have bothered coming back here, he would have headed straight over to Edmonton from Vancouver and had done with. But he likes this house. And after his loss to Danny Williams for the World Title he’d gained such a short time previously, he wants to be somewhere he feels comfortable. He’ll head to the airport and catch a flight back to Canada on Thursday, but for now he likes the sun here. A muffled thump tells him that the mailman has called, and he goes to see what has landed on his mat this morning. There was a small pile when he got back that had accumulated rapidly in his absence; he resigns himself to yet more junk mail today, and sure enough the brightly-coloured leaflets are there as usual... but there is also an oblong package wrapped in brown paper and with the address written on in unfamiliar, untidy handwriting. The size and shape is familiar however, and as Nathaniel tears the paper off his suspicions are indeed borne out - it is a video, plain and unmarked. Curiously, the River Dragon takes it to his VCR and seats himself back down. For all his efforts he has been unable to procure some of his most desired matches, and occasionally some well-meaning fan will pass a video on to SWF Head Office to be sent to him; a particularly obscure Japanese show, perhaps; once or twice old camcorder footage of one of his early matches, before he was on TV, taken by someone at the time and rediscovered years later only to realise that the curtain-jerker that day is now one of the most notorious names in North American wrestling. Leaning back, Kibagami presses ‘Play’. It does appear to be a home video of some sort, although the picture is fuzzy. Then suddenly something moves, and what was a shapeless blur of colour changes into the recognisable shape of a face pulling back from the lens... and Nathaniel involuntarily stiffens, because the face is well-known to him. “Hi,” Toxxic says to the camera. The psychotic energy from Smarkdown appears to have gone; instead the straight-edger seems drained and deadened. The cuts across his face from where Nathaniel threw him through the glass doors of the General Motors Place - Nathaniel briefly recalls the screaming fit Zenon had over that, and a small smile quirks his lips - are crusted over. The grey eyes are heavy-lidded and lethargic, although still rimmed with eyeliner. Whatever fire it was that allowed Toxxic to go out and compete after their altercation, then get up from an ADF II off a ladder and come hunting for him has evidently burnt out and taken its toll. “I don’t want you to worry and think that I’m going to come to your house and try and kill you,” Toxxic continues to the lens. “Just consider this direct mail. The internet is a wonderful place, Nathaniel; look hard enough and you can find anyone. Except me, of course. I don’t have a sunny pad in Phoenix; would you like to see my home?” Toxxic reaches towards the camera and apparently picks it up, then scans it around what appears to be a motel room. “I’m still in Vancouver,” the British accent tells him. “I don’t live anywhere, Nathaniel. I’m an Englishman abroad. I don’t have ties to anything here; there is nothing holding me in this country, or on this continent, and sometimes I wonder why I don’t just up and leave. It’s not like the SWF would miss me.” The camera finishes its circuit and is apparently settled back onto the tabletop where it was originally resting. Toxxic withdraws his hand again, and continues. “I knew you’d play this video, Nathaniel, because in some ways we’re very much alike. Videos are useful. They can show you where you’re going wrong, and can help you to find out what your opponent is thinking. Well, this one is going to be a little different. I’m going to tell you where you’re going wrong... and what you’re thinking.” Toxxic rubs his hand over his mouth absent-mindedly, and blinks his eyes a couple of times. “After you cost me my title against Janus - and you did, Nathaniel, make no mistake, not only by injuring me but also through the fact that you are responsible for Janus in the first place-” Toxxic waves the digression away, and carries on. “After that, I came looking for you. I wanted to hurt you, to cripple you, I admit that. But then I reconsidered. I thought long and hard, and I realised that what I wanted to do to you was to make you suffer what I’d suffered - the loss of a title, of something that you’d fought for and prized over anything else. And I realised that I wasn’t needed for that.” Kibagami realises that he’s leaning forward, as if poised for flight or to leap up and rip the Striaght-Edge Sensation’s throat out. Toxxic is of course unaware of Nathaniel’s reaction and continues on, tired grey eyes staring out from underneath a forehead crusted with red scabs. “Why did you come back, Nathaniel?” he asks, seeming to look out of the plasma screen directly at the message’s intended recipient. “Do you even know? I think I do, now. You came back to win the World Title, but you don’t know why you came to win it. I do. It all comes back to Edwin MacPhisto, the man who I saw on my TV screen and who made me realise that yes, it IS possible for American fans to love someone from a different country. I used to watch the SWF before I joined, Nathaniel. I know that you wanted to bring Edwin down. Eventually you had to trap him in a Last Man Standing Cage match to do it. You came back simply to do that - and you did it.” Toxxic isn’t shouting; he isn’t swearing; he isn’t deliberately mispronouncing people’s names or threatening nearby SWF officials or staff. He is simply talking to a camera, speaking what he believes to be the truth. “But that wasn’t enough, was it?” he continues. “Because Edwin had managed something you never did; he managed to become World Champion. That’s why you came back and went for the World Title, Nathaniel; you wanted to prove to yourself and everyone else that you could do what Edwin did. But what I don’t think you considered was what was going to happen next.” A grim smile briefly flashes across the straight-edger’s face. Not the trademark lopsided grin, but a small, involuntary gesture. Toxxic is saying this to himself as much as to Kibagami; this is a cautionary tale as much as it is a judgement. “Winning the title is one thing. Defending it is another, as I’m sure you’ve now realised. Danny Williams, for all his faults, still wants that title for what it is - you just wanted it for what having it signified, and now you’ve managed that you no longer have the same desire.” Toxxic raises his hand and idly scratches a scab with his thumbnail, but his eyes don’t leave the camera. “Your time in the Federation is done. You don’t belong here any more. And I will not tolerate your presence, getting in my way when I have my own business to attend to.” Toxxic’s voice hasn’t changed; it is still the calm, factual delivery that it was at the start. But it is clear now that there is an option of something else - the fires that fuel this man may be burning low at the moment, but soon enough Toxxic will be back to his normal self, using his anger as a shield and a weapon against the world. “Don’t let Smarkdown fool you, Nathaniel. Danny Williams made my point for me - that little bash on the head I gave you afterwards was the exclamation mark. But things have changed now. I will not make your mistake - I will not carry your memory with me and constantly measure myself against you. If I see you I will do what I originally set out to do last Monday - and that is to cripple you in any way I can, in the ring or out of it. And Nathaniel, if you think that I can’t carry out my threat... if you think that I will put up with your broken-down carcass mocking me with its presence for one moment longer than I have to... if, above all, you think that I will rest until I have totally removed you from my life...” Ever so slightly, the right-hand side of Toxxic’s mouth creeps upwards into what just might be a humourless grin. “...well... I think you can guess the rest.” One hand reaches out towards the camera, and the screen goes black. But Nathaniel Kibagami stares at it for a long time afterwards anyway.

This promo has not (as yet) been approved by Kibs, but it might take me a while to get hold of him and I want to get the ball rolling. So if it suddenly disappears, you'll know it's because Silent actually has a multi-million dollar mansion or something, and I just didn't know.

I'm stating here and now that should Toxxic ever gain and then lose the World Title I give you my WORD that the arrogant little bastard will go psycho on and after whoever beat him for it. You might WISH he'd retired. But he won't.

I claim the name "Land-on Mattress" for when I have to cut a promo on IS GOLD~

OK - the original plan for this card was I lose my belt because of Kibs wrecking my shit at the start of the show, then I have JUST enough juice left to nail Kibs in his match and cost him HIS belt, thereby setting up a me vs Kibs grudge match at PPV. No I don't attack Kibs until after the match. Don't worry, I can work around this...

**DANNY WILLIAMS SAYS STUFF!** ~You have no idea how sad I am to see Kibs not retain this. But hey, Danny's still a great writer. MAIN EVENT BEST-OF-FIVE SERIES, MATCH THREE OF FIVE HARDCORE MATCH "The Superior One" Tom Flesher (1) vs Dace Night (1) ~I HAVE to give this one to Dace. If he loses this then the world might end. ~SD5 has been on the money so far with Dace and Danny, and it says that the Torture Crab beats Flesher SINGLES MATCH ICTV Title Match Janus© vs Alan Clark ~The guy whos' beaten me twice (albeit the last time was a jobbed loss by me for STORYLINE ADVANCEMENT~)... or the guy who's beaten me once... HELL MACHINE, BAY-BEE! ~SD 5 says Clark puts up a brave fight and even has a small face comeback - but the Spinal Division spells the end of that. TRIPLE THREAT, TWO FALL MATCH USJL Title Bout Hardcore Title Bout Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix© vs Mike Van Siclen© vs "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins ~How many times do i have to tell you people; LANDON IS GOLD~! ~Amusingly, Landon is the first person to go hardcore - and he sucks at it. In the end a sneaky sledgehammer allows Mike to pin Spike. NO GRAVITY MATCH Crusierweight Title Bout Johnny Dangerous© vs Todd Cortez ~I'll say Johnny, but it'll be close TAG TEAM MATCH Insane Luchador & Austin Sly vs Crow & Ryan Dustin ~Austin and IL as a team? Weren't they smacking the shit out of each other last PPV? Well, anyway... I'm a HUGE mark for Sly, but I reckon overall Crow and Dustin can pull this out. ~SD5 says Sly pins Dustin following the Earthquake SINGLES MATCH "The Notorious" John Duran vs Ace Lezaire ~Hoo, tricky. I'll say Duran - but it'll be close ~SD5 spits in my face and, after neither the Best Finisher In The History Of Everything or the Blunt Force Trauma can get the job done, a simple brainbuster wins it for Ace SINGLES MATCH Edward James vs David Blazenwing ~I'm gonna cause a major shock and go with Blazenwing. His match against me wasn't half bad, you know.

Leaving me and Kibs all show to smack the merry shit out of each other. It will happen, you know it will.

Yes. The second title change since the last PPV, and with little fuss or fanfare. He beat me for a Title match, then won it. If the SWF was real our ratings would be through the roof with all the decent shit that happens on free-to-air TV. The PPVs would bomb, mind you.

This is unreal. Graps - STOP WATCHING ANGEL! NOW! IT'S DOING BAD THINGS TO YOU!

Yeah, you'd better damn worry about me. Danny, Duran, Flesher and Dace want the title. Janus wants to cripple you because you created him. Toxxic just wants to cripple you because you BEAT him. You can't reason with someone who thinks that way. Really, really nice promo. And wherever Silent is, MacPhisto crops up too it seems. One way or another.