Toxxic

"I'm Kwik Killings, and I hate myself because I discriminate against myself AND I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" OK, I'm calling this. Ron Killings will return as Kwik Killings, black emo gangsta who beats people up and then cries about it. His entrance music will be My Chemical Romance remixed by Method Man, and his TitanTron video will be MySpace phonecam shots of himself. What do you reckon?

Don't forget comedy gangsta. How soon Cryme Tyme can be forgotten. I suppose Killings would at least be guaranteed a decent payday in WWE for a while, even if he gets jobbed out. I am surprised he's interested in returning to be honest. I imagine TNA has copyrighted the name 'The Truth'? If the WWE had any sense they'd bring him back as Ron Killings and have him as a prominent but ultimately unsuccessful mid-to-upper midcarder, just to remind everyone that a TNA World Champion can't make the top level in the WWE.

Heh, I like. It's on, boy.

With you on the less-than-perfect eyesight (shortsighted AND colour deficient vision, heh), and I've seen HD and... it's alright. I mean, if someone came to my house and said "you can have a free HD TV" I'd say "yes, thank you". I'm not going to go out and buy one though. If I'm watching a film with lots of stunning scenery, or wild-and-crazy special effects or something, I can see why it might improve the viewing experience. But wrestling? I'm usually busier complaining about how booking doesn't make sense or laughing at what innovative heelish-yet-popworthy double-team the Motor City Machine Guns have come up with this week than concentrating on the minutae of the picture quality.

Or Truth can stay with AAA and wrestle for his buddy Konnan without having to go back to the company who had him in meaningless matches on Heat. As a side note, given the age thread that's also kicking around, does anyone see MVP main-eventing in five years when he's 39? I mean... OK, sure, Batista, Undertaker and so on, but generally the old main-eventers are the guys who got there while younger, or were majorly established elsewhere first (which won't happen now there's no big opposition) or are special cases like Batista being Triple H's pet project.

Go on, what did you get? Two shirts Shrek 3 Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End Brand New - Your Favourite Weapon Rancid - And Out Come The Wolves 3 chocolate oranges chocolate biscuits Chocolate truffles More chocolate! Jelly snakes SDvsRaw 08 for PS2 And a set of holographic playing cards

Which makes sense... but it doesn't explain why my other two shows were coming out with the expected ratings for matches, and my primetime slot (same announcers) was coming out lower! The thing is, that seems to have changed now. My primetime show is now doing business as usual. And I have NO IDEA WHY. It's really bugging me though.

Well, the trouble is if you start to think, the whole thing goes out of the window. Any and all invasion angles, for starters. If the owner of the fed doesn't like what's going on he can stop booking people in matches. If they show up and attack (on television!) he should call the police to arrest them, and that TV footage is proof. Restraining orders, etc. The trouble with logic in wrestling is you either have to have a lot of it or none of it. It's the same with kayfabe. You either have it, or you play the whole thing for comedy. This is why i don't like the D-X 'fourth wall in-jokes' thing. It's fine, and it can be amusing, but it ruins the rest of the show.

Not even then my friend, not even then. But as I've said before, as long as you DO write, I'm not bothered. What I've seen of your stats so far reminds me of someone else, is all I'm saying.

Ahhhhhhh. I was thinking you first had to unlock Bret to then be able to unlock Stone Cold to then be able to unlock The Rock, and so on and so forth. The Hall of Fame never crossed my mind. Cheers.

No kidding. KANE of all people was the first person I recall seeing figure this strategy out at Survivor Series 98. Goldust did it in 1997 when he casually punched Jesse James in the face during a match with dress-wearing Pillman. Edit: Come to think of it, it was actually an elbow drop. I just don't get that, you know. Surely the ref should be able to make a call of "this person is attacking one competitor directly to help another" and make the DQ, as opposed to "this person is attacking one competitor for reasons unrelated to this contest" and call it a no contest. But maybe that requires the ref to make too much of a judgement call (this is all in kayfabe, obviously). I think the reason why we don't see it more is otherwise every sneaky heel champion will be punched in the back of the head by his bodyguard/manager/sidekick within three seconds of the start of every match, and they'd basically have to put a blanket rule in place to give a kayfabe reason why someone couldn't just keep doing that.

Ok, how the hell do you unlock guys? I can't select any of the bastards in a match to unlock them! And a 30-minute Ironman match doesn't even fucking exist, so that whole Shawn Michaels / Bret Hart thing seems to have gone out of the window. Have you got to do it all through 24/7 or something?

Because three years ago you were running three shows every two weeks, so by the time we got to the Clusterfuck the whole dynamic of the fed would have changed from when people started writing it.

There's nothing wrong with taking unrelated shots at Austin. Guy's a wifebeating twat.

We're giving people a month in the hope that we'll get some Clusterfucks - it's the biggest match we ever do so we need to give people a good run at it.

Location: In Toxxic’s living room in Sacramento, California Ben Hardy is sitting on a leather armchair, looking a little out of place. Above him, framed in a glass case on the wall, is a ripped, bloodied, tattered and slightly faded T-shirt bearing the Autobot insignia and the words ‘Heroic Rockstars’. To his right is the widescreen plasma TV and wall of DVDs and videos, most concerned with wrestling. Opposite him sits the grinning form of Toxxic, SWF World Champion… and former SWF Tag Champion. “Toxxic, first of all I’d like to say thanks for inviting us into your home,” Hardy begins. “No worries,” Toxxic acknowledges with a tilt of his head. “It’s fair to say that since your return slightly over eighteen months ago it’s been something of a roller coaster ride for you,” Hardy says, “what with your feud with and then tag partnership with Landon Maddix, who is of course now our Commissioner… the unwelcome appearance from your past of Gabriel Drake… winning not one but two more World Titles, winning the Cruiserweight Title, two more Tag Title reigns… but now things seems to be on a downward turn again,” the veteran interviewer continues, adjusting his glasses. “The Fabulous Jakey hasn’t been Cruiserweight Champion for some time, now you and Austin Sly have lost the Tag Titles, and lost them to a man whom you have never lost to in all of your previous encounters, Dace Night.” “Well, you’ve got to say it’s about time he won one of them,” Toxxic grins, apparently not discomforted by Hardy’s statement. “Perhaps,” Hardy agrees, “but the next test is looming on the horizon; at the Clusterfuck, three days before your 25th birthday, you need to defend the World Title against Michael Alexander. You beat him earlier this year in the run-up to Genesis, but he has earned his shot by becoming the first New Blood Champion to defend the title three times, and it’s fair to say that he’s hungry for a chance to prove himself against you. What’s more, he’s publicly stated that in your last meeting you didn’t beat him, you escaped from him. What is your response?” “My response is that Michael Alexander needs to quit hiding behind long words and start looking for the meanings of things,” Toxxic says bluntly. “He might claim that I ‘escaped’ him in our previous meeting, but let’s look at the facts. I went all of the last year and only lost one solitary singles match, which means that Alexander must have a really high opinion of himself if he thinks that he was about to get the second.” “I think we can take Alexander’s high opinion of himself as read,” Hardy opines. “Point taken,” Toxxic nods, “but let’s look at another fact. You don’t have to dominate your opponent to win a match Ben, and you don’t need to brutalise them either. You don’t have to throw them around, you don’t have to tie them in knots on the mat, you don’t need to make them bleed and you don’t need to whiz around the ring like a gibbon on speed. To win a match clean, to win a title, you need to do one of two simple things; either you need to make your opponent tap out, or you need to pin their shoulders to the mat for the referee’s three-count. In our previous meeting Michael Alexander failed to do either of those things, and that is why he lost. I pinned him, and that is why I won. And Ben,” the Straight-Edge Sensation adds, “in the SWF right now, and for the last year and a half, I have been the man when it comes to winning one-on-one matches. Whatever Michael Alexander may think of himself and whatever preparations he may make, he needs to be aware that he will be getting into the ring with the greatest in the modern-day SWF.” “It’s hard to argue against your record,” Hardy nods, “but Michael Alexander has a devastating submission move in his repertoire, the Gordian Knot… and you have a history of losing big matches to submission moves.” “Hnh,” Toxxic snorts, looking vaguely annoyed for the first time in the interview. “I’m not too proud to admit it Hardy, I will tap out rather than risk injury. I’m not one of these more-testosterone-then-brains freaks who will hang on and pass out. What purpose does that serve? I’ve been in there against people like that - Aecas and Insane Luchador spring to mind - and it hasn’t stopped me beating them. You just hang on until they stop moving, then hang on a bit longer in case they’re faking it. “One of the reasons I’ve been as consistent as I have, and one of the reasons I’ve racked up as many wins as I have is that I know how to take care of myself in the ring,” the Straight-Edge Sensation tells his fellow Englishman. “By that I mean, I don’t stand around trading headshots with guys who swing an elbow at a thousand miles an hour, I don’t let myself get tied into pretzels by the Fleshers of this world, and I don’t subject myself to unnecessary punishment. If I know I can’t get out of the submission and I can’t reach the ropes, and I’m pretty sure the guy who’s applying it isn’t about to let go for whatever reason then yeah, I’ll tap out. And yes,” Toxxic admits, “that lost me the World Title to Landon Maddix, and then again to Ejiro Fasaki, and it lost me a match to Scott Pretzler, and my only singles loss last year came to a submission from Clark. And what happened?” he asks. “I came back and beat Landon - came back and beat him on two different occasions, as it happens. And I beat Scott in our Canadian Deathmatch, because I didn’t let him injure me in the Snowflake Clutch prior to that. As for Ejiro, well,” Toxxic shrugs, “I don’t know where he is right now, but he wasn’t taking care of himself in the ring, that’s for damn sure. Clark’s disappeared off radar too, probably to save himself the beating he knows he’s going to get if he steps into the ring with me for a fifth time.” “And your loss to VDN?” Hardy prods. “Sure, I tapped out to Dace,” Toxxic nods, “but let’s be honest, wouldn’t you if you were in the Torture Crab and Va’aiga was kicking you in the head? I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s against the letter of the rules anyway,” the straight-edger adds, “but on the other hand given what Sly was pulling in that match I probably can’t complain too much… my point is,” he continues, “that having a devastating submission move is one thing. Actually applying the bastard is another. Michael Alexander tried for the Gordian Knot in our last meeting, and every time he went for it I put him in his place until in the end, he gave up and tried a different approach… which is when I beat him,” Toxxic reminds Hardy. “That’s how I do it Ben, I don’t let the guy wrestle his normal match. I will let you come at me, I will see what you bring to the table, then one way or another I will out-manoeuvre you, out-think you or out-wrestle you until you have to abandon your gameplan, and when you’re scrabbling around trying to adapt I will take you apart.” “Isn’t that a high-risk strategy?” Hardy enquires. “Eh, maybe it would be for some people,” Toxxic shrugs, “for me, I’ve got it down to an art form. I’ve perfected it on people like Maddix, Flesher, Johnny, Danny, Hawke… anyone you care to name, really. There’s no-one in the SWF who can beat me quicker than I can work out how to beat them, fact. It’s not an approach I’d advocate for rookies,” he grins, “but when you’re as good as me, that’s just how it is.” “OK,” Hardy nods, trying not to drown in egomania, “is there anything else you’d like to say? Perhaps a message for Michael Alexander himself?” “Sure,” Toxxic says, and turns to face the camera. “Michael, I hope you’re paying attention to this,” he says. “I hope you’re listening hard. I hope that you sharpen up your game and at the Clusterfuck you bring everything you have. I hope you remember that last time, everything you had wasn’t enough. I hope you step up and give me some real competition for this belt,” he says, slapping it, “because I’m starting to feel that competition is sadly lacking, know what I mean? Come on, I’ve beaten everyone else,” he grins, “in most cases more than once. If you can’t do this Michael… well, we’re probably going to see Va’aiga walking into the ring with me and seeing if he can last more than ten minutes of continuous activity without Dace Night doing all the running around and taking all the shit-kicking for him, and we don’t want some gassing Maori passing out in the middle of the squared circle, do we? But Michael,” Toxxic continues, grin disappearing, “a word of advice. If you genuinely thought that last time was a fluke… if you’re still labouring under the misconception that two chopblocks and a fancy leglock is going to be enough to dethrone the most dominant SWF World Champion in history… if, above all else, you think that anything less than your very very best is going to be even nearly enough to trouble me…” He leans closer, steel-grey eyes boring into the lens. “…prepare to be proved wrong.” FIN~

Thought you'd gone off-radar mate so I put one of yours in more to make up a few numbers than anything else, but if you're around and you've got some time to write then you'll be welcome.

It's not the same without that awesome pic, Thoth. For those of you who are a little confused

Your style of stats reminds me of someone. I won't say whom, so as not to spoil your fun if I'm right. However, I am prepared to say that I believe you might be a ringer. Mind you, as long as you write, I don't care either way

You should be able to hold the R1 and press up or down on the control pad...I think. They still may be utterly incompetent at it, but they should at least enter the ring. I've found it works best to call them in just before you go for the pin or just as your submission hold is locked in. The kit gives you an overall 80, and you can raise them further through the workout regimen in 24/7 mode. Whoopee. So for those of us who like to make a plethora of different CAWs with different stats, the game sucks. Niiiiiiiiiiiice.

OK, so I've purchased the premium kit for my guy. Can I now alter his stats any, or am I stuck with the way they've put them from the purchase of the pack? If so, surely this means that all guys I purchase the pack for are going to be exactly the same?

OK, for PS2: How do you call your tag partner into the match when they're not the legal man? You know, to break up pins or prevent your opponent from breaking up yours? or do you just have to trust them to do it themselves?

Shit. I kinda liked the 'different weight' idea, they just took it too far in the last game.

When you say 'knock around', can they pick them up? I think balance is what I'm looking for. I don't mind Matt not being able to pick up Khali. What I objected to was Rey Mysterio's running spinning heel kick bouncing off Trevor Fucking Murdoch.

The Smartmarks Wrestling Federation presents… CLUSTERFUCK 2008 Wednesday January 23rd, from the Sears Centre, Chicago 7pm EST (send all marked matches, promos etc to King Cucaracha) ARE YOU READY TO ‘FUCK? The SWF is gearing up for a new year - the events of the last show of 2007 haven’t even occurred yet and we’re already shaping up for the first show of 2008, mainly because the first show of 2008 is going to take some preparing for! So without any further ado, let’s get straight to the heart of the matter: THE CLUSTERFUCK Twenty entrants. Last one in the ring wins. Sounds simple? It is, in theory. However, as with most things in professional wrestling, the Clusterfuck so rarely is. Let’s see what 2008 throws at us. MEET THE CONTESTANTS We have 16 confirmed entrants and four to be named on the night. Will these be big-name returns to the federation, or is Landon just too chicken to try and market a Clusterfuck with the Four Norsemen in it? We shall have to see. Confirmed *Johnny Dangerous: Agile, fast reflexes and a shedload of experience, the Barracuda should have a natural advantage. He had poor luck in competition towards the end of 2007 but will be looking to turn that trend around and get himself right back into the main event. #Tom Flesher: Well, we had to give Tom a chance at winning about the only thing he’s never won. His amateur wrestling skills might not be so much of an advantage in a match where taking it to the mat won’t do you any good; his dirty tactics and ability to throw you around will be. *MANSON: Is he a demi-god or a raving madman? It doesn’t really matter; the Savage Messiah is a force to be reckoned with and has stepped up his already-unbalanced game of late. If you’re looking for a dark horse, look no further. #Va’aiga: 6’7, 350lbs, and this man is only the second biggest (confirmed) entrant in the Clusterfuck. The Maori Badass is one of four former World Champions in the mix and his raw power should go a long way to helping him, but expect him to be a prime target for the “get the big guy out before he creams us all” teamwork. *The Fabulous Jakey: Unless Megan Skye enters herself Jakey is pretty much guaranteed to be the smallest competitor, but his diminutive stature hasn’t stopped the flamboyant superstar from becoming a respected competitor in the SWF. Can Jakey go all the way? #Dace Night: The other member of the Violence Distribution Network, will Dace’s recently-renewed partnership with Va’aiga stand up to the all-against-all mentality of the ‘Fuck? Will they even meet? Whether or not he wins, one thing will be certain; Dace will be putting the hurt on someone. *Christian Fury: Generally unable to buy a win, Fury would be one of the true shocks to win the ‘Fuck. Then again, if everyone views you as a threat no-one will try and eliminate you, so maybe the veteran will finally get a result here. #‘Hollywood’ Spike Jenkins: Spike’s new attitude is turning heads backstage and in the SWF offices; winning the Clusterfuck would put the icing on this particular straight-edge cake, and shouldn’t be counted out by any means. *Scott Pretzler: The Critic returned, disappeared and has now returned again. Pretzler’s another former Revolutionary with a new attitude, and one with the smarts to win in an environment like this. Has he still got his old sharpness? #Jay Hawke: The longest-reigning International Champion of all time, Hawke is a specialist in one-on-one matches and might be somewhat out of his element in a contest like this. Regardless, his sneakiness might stand him in good stead of getting another shot at that elusive World Title. *Nathaniel Kibagami: The River Dragon is in the SWF for one reason: fighting. Kibagami has the potential (unlikely as the actuality may be) to be in the same ring as nineteen other people at the same time, which was all that was needed to secure his inclusion. A win would be an outside chance for the oldest man in the company, but could turn the fed upside down if he got the chance to win a second World Title. #Arch Griffon: Another powerhouse, Griffon should have the tools to do well but has yet to back it up in the ring. Will the Clusterfuck be his breakout moment? *Insane Luchador: The Looch is always unpredictable and impossible to truly count out for anything (except perhaps becoming the fed’s next straight-edger). Andrew Rickmen’s own particular brand of insanity has carried him through more years in the SWF than we care to remember, and back from his own death; against that the Clusterfuck should stand no chance. #Aaron Starr: The SWF’s second-newest face and the least experienced entrant in the Clusterfuck, Starr fell short against Michael Alexander but is shooting for glory again here tonight. Is he likely to succeed? Well… stranger things have happened. *Austin Sly: The second Revolutionary in the mix, Sly has never had problems with looking out for himself. While unlikely to be a trail-blazer or the person to eliminate most others, Sly is a veteran with enough savvy to ensure he’s hanging around at the end in position to take advantage. #Tracey Bruner: 6’10, 455lbs. Yes, you heard right. This monster of a man may have the wrong centre of balance for an over-the-top-rope match, but his massive weight should surely help counteract that. Able to remove any one opponent with ease, Bruner will still need to watch his back and hope the rest don’t gang up on him as the threat he surely is. The other entrants: There are four spaces for you to fill with other wrestlers of your choice who will only be announced to the crowd when they appear on the entrance ramp. While this is completely at your own discretion, be sensible; an SWF ‘legend’ isn’t really appropriate, no-one wants to see Edwin or Thugg make their return in a Clusterfuck when the writer has no idea their character is being used. Real-life wrestlers should obviously not be used either (no matter how much killing Teddy Hart with a Dangerous German to the floor appeals). In general, a former World Champion should probably not be brought out unless you have the express approval of the writer of that character. EDIT: By Muzz's request, Christian Blackwell should NOT be included. Also, by WC's request, no Wildchild. Rules: Two contestants start in the ring, new entrants arrive every three minutes. You are free to decide your own entry order, but bear in mind that although it might be easier to write if your guy is in from the start, writing yourself to be anywhere between one to four will need to be REALLY well done to avoid looking so, so cheap. Personally, I’m sick of ‘number one wins the Rumble’, it makes no kayfabe sense and is just stupid. You are eliminated by going over the top rope (whether under your own power or someone else’s) and having both feet touch the floor. Any contestant who has been announced but not made it into the ring by the time the next buzzer goes off is automatically disqualified. Once the last three competitors are left the match changes to a Triple Threat, the first person to score the pin or submission wins the Clusterfuck. Incentive: The winner gets a World Title shot at From The Fire, the SWF's next show, and (get this) gets to name the stipulation. Yes, even a strap match *grumbles*. Word Limit: No ‘limit’ as such. Landon would like to make it clear that his first winning entry was around 15k (mainly to remind you all that he won it twice, I suspect), so we’re setting that as a loose target; however, that’s not set in stone. You’re going to have to decide your own balance between time, motivation, description, structure and boring the marker shitless. A well-written 20ker will probably beat a bare-bones 15ker, but a bare-bones 15ker that says what it needs to say will probably beat out a mind-numbingly dull 20ker. Send To: Please pay close attention to the symbol by your name: * - send to King Cucaracha # - send to Toxxic ANY RETURNEES WHO WISH TO WRITE - you may enter yourself as one of the four surprise entrants and determine your own entry order, just like everyone else (well, you can take one of the spots and promo to say you’re coming back if you wish, but bear in mind that other people might have a match plan by that point that won’t feature you so your entire return promo will be no-sold). Please let either Landon or Toxxic know that you will be writing so we can assign you a marker to ensure that if we get five returnees writing (I wish) they don’t all go to one of us and one of us gets hideously overloaded. Yes, I know we only have two markers and potentially twenty (or more!) matches to mark. However, we’re anticipating burnout or general non-interest will take its toll. To be honest, if we have enough matches to mark that it’s a problem, I’ll be so pleased I won’t mind the extra work. WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE Toxxic© vs Michael Alexander New Blood Title winner egomaniac vs World Champion egomaniac. Toxxic has stamped his authority on the fed yet again, but with Revolution Zero's loss to VDN, are the cracks starting to show? Michael Alexander certainly hopes so - a rising star in the fed, the rookie has converted his New Blood Title into a shot at the biggest prize of them all. Will Alexander get a late Christmas present, or will Toxxic play an eyelinered grinch yet again? Rules: Standard Singles Word Limit: 7000 Send To: King Cucaracha WORLD CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE Wildchild© vs Dance Dance Dragon Wildchild IS the Cruiserweight Division... but a couple of months ago he could only hold Triple D to a time limit draw. That's what sparked this confrontation, with Wildchild declaring no interest in the Clusterfuck because he already has the belt he wants, thank you, while Dance Dance Dragon wanted another crack at possibly the greatest cruiserweight in the fed's history. Rules: Cruiserweight - 20 count on outside, no throwing opponent over the top rope Word Limit: 6000 Send To: Toxxic Taiga Star vs JJ Johnson The newbie gets to try her hardcore skillz! JJ plays fall guy, which shouldn't surprise us. Rules: Hardcore (standard no-DQ, no countout, falls count anywhere) Word Limit: 4000 Send To: King Cucaracha