Toxxic

You know it's gotta happen. Danny doing a bionic lariat so damn hard that the opponent's feet are driven right through the motherfucking ring. Of course, Danny's so short that he'd need a chair to stand on to get the proper elavation to hit them on the top of the head. But that could still work: Stand on chair, hit them with the bionic lariat on the top of the head, opponent's feet are driven through the ring. They're then trapped and at the right height for Danny to get off the chair, bounce off the ropes and hit them with a regular lariat. The solution to those stupidly-tall super-heavyweights!

and best of all:

Brilliant. Or maybe a mix of Rhodes and Hansen? Dress him in polka dots (yes, WWF Rhodes!) and have him lariat the fuck out of people.

If Danny now comes back as a Stan Hansen clone... damn, that'd be awesome. If worrying.

The King of Cambodia, bitch!

Boo for an Aecas no-show. Boo, I say.

Well, on the show, Sly's match rocks. And Flesher's promo was good as well. ...I'm still unsure about the Fictional World Tour. It's all fun and everything, but trying to do a bar promo on, say Tatooine or something will be bizarre. Saying that, you could use the Mos Eisley Cantina.

What I want to know is why there has ever been any problem with Heyman playing a cult leader. Look at the two One Night Stands. Heyman IS a cult leader.

We get the shows just over a week later in the UK - I taped Impact last night and will watch it today, so I've only seen a couple of the Nash/Shelley shows. However, what I've seen so far has been promising. My only worry is that the last match I saw was Lethal vs Shelley where Nash accidentally cost Shelley the match. I worry that the focus will move onto Nash vs the X-Division and Shelley will get jobbed out in the process. However, I'm with the Shelley = new Jericho argument. I'd say he is more talented in the ring and just as entertaining out of it, and I think very highly of Jericho.

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I sure feel chastised.

“So she din’t say what it was then?” Amy asks as she helps her brother get their bags out of the car. They’re at one of the large, soulless motels that litter the landscape of much of the so-called ‘developed’ world and it’s late at night; the parking lot is lit by the acrid neon lights overhead that tinge everything an unhealthy orange-yellow. “No,” Michael replies heavily, grunting as he heaves his black holdall out of the car’s trunk. “Bout as much use as she ever was then, innit.” Amy sniffs, hauling her own rucksack out and swinging it onto her back. “Look, I know you didn’t like her-” “Too fuckin’ right I din’t! Up-herself bloody cow!” Amy proclaims. “You only met her once,” Mike snaps, grabbing the last bag and thinking back to the autumn of 2004 when the SWF had travelled to England for Ashes 2 Ashes. Jet had come with him to meet his parents and sister - Sacred, Sean Davis and Spike had been left in Nottingham to amuse themselves - and while his parents had seemed remarkably amenable to the out-spoken, out-going, heavily pierced and flamboyantly-dreadlocked girl introduced to them as Naomi, Amy had been rather more hostile. As the only member of the family who still watched her brother’s exploits on TV (his parents had avoided it after seeing the bloodbath that was Toxxic vs. Aecas at From The Fire, and had therefore missed out on his subsequent fall from favour with the fans) she’d already had plenty of time to form an opinion, and didn’t hesitate to make that opinion known. “More’n enough, believe me,” Amy says. “But anyway, what’s the fuckin’ point of givin’ you a warnin’ about somefing if she ain’t gonna tell you what it is, ya get me?” “Well, at least it’s something,” Michael replies reasonably, “I mean, it’s not like her not to tell me flat out, but-” He stops. He stares. “But what?” Amy says, looking first at her brother, then at the place where he’s staring. This appears to be a couple of articulated lorries some thirty yards away in the parking lot, and seeing nothing there she looks back at Mike again. This time, she notices what it is about him that looks odd. It’s difficult to tell under the neon lights, but she could swear that her brother has gone far, far whiter than even his usual pallid shade. “Mike, what-” “Sssshhh…” He doesn’t even look at her. The only acknowledgement of her presence is one black-nailed finger raised as a warning against any further noise. Everything about Michael Stephens is concentrated on that one spot. He’s listening. His eyes flicker left. And right. It’s almost as if he’s scared to move his head in case it makes a sound that might mask something he’s listening for. Or attract attention. Cautiously, bending carefully at the knees, Mike places his black holdall and the other bag on the tarmac surface of the parking lot, then starts to very carefully, very quietly walk forwards. He doesn’t look back. The SWF World Heavyweight Title is in that black holdall, the biggest prize in the business. A prize he’s fought for, a prize he’s bled for, a prize that he never normally lets out of his sight. And her brother is walking away from it without looking back. Something, Amy decides, is seriously wrong here. “Mike…” she hisses, trying to attract his attention and at least get him to tell her what’s going on, but he ignores her. Swearing under her breath, Amy places her own bags carefully on the ground and hurries after him. She always could move more quietly than her brother. She catches up with him just as he reaches the lorries. He pauses to glance back at her for a split-second, lips pressed tight, then motions for her to stay behind him. There’s nothing on this side of the first lorry. Mike looks up into the cab, then over at the cab of the second. Nothing. “Mike, what-” “Ssh!” Her brother suddenly falls forward, landing on his fingertips and cushioning the fall as if about to start the press-ups he does every morning and evening. She realises after a second that he’s looking underneath the two vehicles, presumably checking to see if there’s anyone hiding beneath. Apparently there isn’t, because he pushes himself up again, absent-mindedly brushing small specks of gravel from his hands. Slowly, he edges around the front of the first lorry with a bewildered Amy in tow, looking down the shadowy space between them. Nothing. It’s only after they’ve made a complete circuit of the two lorries that Mike seems to relax. He puffs his cheeks out and lets out a small laugh, presumably at himself. He still doesn’t seem quite right though; Amy sees him chewing at his lip and in the stillness of the night air she can hear a faint *click… click… click* as he cycles through the knuckles of his right hand, squeezing and cracking them in turn. She can’t remember him doing that since they were much younger. “I must be imagining things…” the SWF World Champion mutters ruefully, then turns to head back towards their pile of abandoned bags. “Come on Ames, let’s get indoors.” “What, an’ you’re jus’ gonna walk off now?” Amy says incredulously, hurrying to keep up with her brother’s insistent pace, “d’you mind tellin’ me what the fuck that was all about?” “I thought I saw someone,” Mike replies, not looking back at her. Or the lorries. “You thought you saw someone?” Amy repeats incredulously, then her brows furrow. “’ang on a minute - didja think you saw someone, as in just any ol’ someone, or didja think you saw someone, as in someone specific, as in someone that you’re worried about an’ I should be too?” She quickens her step a fraction and gets in front of her brother just as they reach their bags. “As in, someone who might jus’ be what that bint warned you about?” “As in, I thought I saw someone, I was wrong, there was no-one there, and let’s get inside the bloody motel,” Mike growls, pushing past her and picking his stuff up. “It’s bad enough I’m jumping at bloody shadows without you cooking up some sort of conspiracy theory with it.” He sighs, and continues in a slightly more reasonable tone, “look, I’m tired, it’s been a stressful couple of weeks, and yes, what Naomi told me earlier is probably worrying me a bit. Just leave it at that.” Amy nods, but can’t help herself but turn back and look at the two lorries as she follows her brother towards the motel. They look as innocent as anything that casts large shadows in a neon-lit parking lot can. * * * Once the Stephens siblings are inside the motel a shape detaches itself from the roof of one of the trailers and moves with careful deliberation and in near-silence to descend down the little service ladder, put there for those occasions when someone may need to get on top of the trailer. Mike did look up several times when circling the lorries, but he never thought to actually climb up and take a peek. If he had, he might have got a surprise. Or then again, he might not. It all depends what he allowed himself to believe. * * * At 3am, Michael Stephens is looking out of the window of his motel room again. He hasn’t slept yet. Was it him? If it was him, the only reason I saw him was because he let me. Because he wanted me to see him. But why would he want me to see him? He’s got to know I’m not scared of him. Am I? Hell, I might not have seen anything. Part of the reason we stopped here was because I was tired and my eyes were getting blurry anyway. I could have imagined it all. Maybe there was nothing there after all. Maybe I didn’t see anyone. But if I did see someone… Was it him?

Tom has a point. And Sly, you leave me out of this.

A good point, WC. Maybe it should be changed to a submission vs sandwich match so that Jimmy has at least a chance of winning. Then again, it's well-known that Flesher is a dick so maybe Jimmy won't mind feeding him a sandwich. We'll just have to wait for Drea's perspective on it all.

Christ, that boy likes his word limits doesn't he? And yeah, a typo - MANSON needs to be capitalised now! Only full caps can contain him!

Lockdown, broadcast 1/4/06 from the United Center in Chicago, Illinois TORU Takahara def. Martin 'Big Country' Hunt via pinfall following the Shooting Star Press Ghost Machine 2.0 def. Ced Ordonez via pinfall following the Interface Bug Tim Dillon def. Kevin Coyote via pinfall following a jumping Blood & Whiskey Bruce Blank destroys Matt Myers with a variety of non-Family Friendly moves. CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE Zyon def. JJ Johnson to win the Cruiserweight Title after a Wicked Cutter (and interference by El Luchadore Magnifico, which Zyon was not aware of) Smarkdown, Broadcast 1/9/06 from the Savvis Center in St. Louis, Missouri The 70s Dude def. Tim Dillon via pinfall following the Draft Dodger Ghost Machine 2.0 def. Max King by pinfall following the Feature Creep TORU Takahara def. Landon Maddix via pinfall following the Shooting Star Press Spike Jenkins & Zyon def. Kevin Coyote via pinfall following the 911 Aero Driver from Zyon HARDCORE MATCH JJ Johnson def. Manson via submisson with the Anaconda Choke (and a lot of bolding) LIGHT TUBE MATCH Akira Kaibatsu def. Bruce Blank via knockout following a Kaibatsu Drop INTERNATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP Wildchild def. Jay Hawke and Stryke after Hawke hit WC with the belt. Hawke retains. Storm, Broadcast 1/13/06 from Hilton Coliseum in Ames, Iowa Laberinto def. Ced Ordonez via pinfall with the Esta Terminado HARDCORE MATCH The 70s Dude def. Manson via pinfall after a shot with an axehandle TORU Takahara def. Max King via pinfall with the Tiger Driver SUPERMARKET BRAWL Bruce Blank def. Akira after a fireball when Akira failed to answer the ten count. Your losers: The censors. Lockdown, Broadcast 1/18/06 from the Qwest Center in Omaha, Nebraska Laberinto def. Crimson Skull via pinfall following the Aterrizaje Forzado Wes Davenport def. Christian Fury via pinfall following an Orange Crush Bomb Landon Maddix and Kevin Coyote def. Stryke and Tim Dillon by pinfall after Coyote pinned Stryke following Landon tripping Stryke during a Slingshot Suplex. SHENANIGANS~! TRIPLE IMPACT MATCH Wildchild def. Max King after powerbombing him three times SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE - EL LUCHADORE MAGNIFICO JJ Johnson def. TORU Takahara via submission with a juji-gatama SENDAI THUMBTACK MATCH Bruce Blank def. Akira Kaibatsu via nailing him into a crate of thumbtacks CANDIAN DEATHMATCH - INTERNATIONAL TITLE Jay Hawke def. Zyon 12-9 Smarkdown, broadcast 1/23/06 from THE KINGDOME!! Ghost Machine 2.0 def. The Crimson Skull by pinfall via a Piledriver to save John Trudel, who was suspended above the ring. Zyon def. Matt 'The Cosplay Master' Myers by pinfall via the Final Flash. TAG TEAM TITLES Landon Maddix and Max King def. TORU Takahara and Chris Card to become SWF Tag Team Champions when King made TORU submit to a Fujiwara armbar (Card was a replacement for the injured KOJI Kitano). Akira def. Bruce Blank somehow in some sort of match to tie the series at 2-2 Wes Davenport def. Wildchild via pinfall with a Reverse DDT INTERNATIONAL TITLE Jay Hawke def. Spike Jenkins via pinfall after hitting him with the International Title. Kevin Coyote and El Luchadore Magnifico def. JJ Johnson and Todd Cortez via pinfall after Magnifico low-blowed Johnson. CLUSTERFUCK, broadcast LIVE on 1/29/06 from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California FROST Michael Cross def. Ced Ordonez via pinfall with the Devil's Soul Snare CLUSTERFUCK ULTRAVIOLENT TITLE (Japanese Deathmatch) Bruce Blank def. Akira Kaibatsu via pinfall to retain the title by pinning him after the cage exploded. INTERNATIONAL TITLE Jay Hawke used the International Title to knock Wildchild out causing a DQ, but the belt remains with Hawke. THE CLUSTERFUCK! Wes Davenport, TORU Takahara and Bruce Blank survive to the Triple Threat. Wes Davenport wins the 2006 Clusterfuck by making TORU tap to the Cattle Mutilation. WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE El Luchadore Magnifico def. JJ Johnson by pinfall after countering the Wing Span into a pin. Aftershoxx, broadcast 2/4/06 from the Cow Palace, California Michael Cross def. Jason Von Dierch via pinfall with the Devil's Soul Snare Candace Okimurra def. Matt Myers via pinfall with a victory roll. Sadly she left straight after, and no-one gave a shit. HARDCORE MATCH Insane Luchador (BACK FROM THE DEAD!) def. The Crimson Skull via pinfall with the Evenflow DDT onto a chair. Lockdown, broadcast 2/8/06 from the Rose Garden in Portland, Oregon Michael Cross def. Arch Griffon via submission with an arm-BAR! The Crimson Skull def. Jimmy The Doom via pinfall with a schoolboy roll-up after Evil Assistant Heff hits Jimmy with a blackjack. Amy Stephens def. the Insane Luchador via submission when Luchador passed out in the Last Orders. CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE Zyon def. Christian Fury via pinfall with the 911 Aero Driver to retain the title. Kevin Coyote was also involved in the match. Max King def. Laberinto via submission with the Compressor. ULTRAVIOLENT TITLE Bruce Blank def. Ghost Machine 2.0 via pinfall to retain the title when a masked man ran in and zapped Ghost Machine 2.0 with a cattle prod in the Ladies' Bathroom. OMGSWERVE~! SUBMISSION MATCH (SWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE) El Luchador Magnifico def. JJ Johnson via submission with a chinlock (after dropping Johnson onto a chair with an Emerald Fusion and knocking him out) to retain the title. Smarkdown, broadcast 2/14/06 from the Cow Palace, California (again?) Wildchild def. Archie Griffon via pinfall by landing on top of him during an attempted superplex by Griffon. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Jimmy The Doom & Manson def. Ghost Machine & Matt 'Neo' Myers via pinfall with a Manson Dragon Suplex on Myers. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Asian Underground (Akira Kaibatsu & Michael Cross) def. The Crimson Skull & Jason 'The Rage' Von Dierch via pinfall with what was probably a powerbomb/Divine Wind combo. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Amy Stephens & Bruce Blank def. Laberinto & Ced Ordonez via submission when Amy made Laberinto tap to the Last Orders. NON-TITLE MATCH Jay Hawke def. Todd Cortez via pinfall by pulling the tights and holding the ropes. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Spike Jenkins & Zyon def. Mistress Sarah & Christian Fury via pinfall when Zyon pinned Fury after Spike had hit Fury with his own kendo stick behind the referee's back. Storm, broadcast 2/18/06 from the Key Arena in Seattle, Washington HARDCORE MATCH An Octopus def. Jimmy The Doom via pinfall with a La Magistral. RRGH! Amy Stephens def. Kevin Coyote via submission with the Last Orders LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH The Asian Underground def. Ced Ordonez & Laberinto via pinfall following the Divine Wind to Laberinto. Insane Luchador def. a Bruce Blank via pinfall with the Blank Bomb... just not the one he wanted. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Spike Jenkins & Zyon def. Ghost Machine & Matt 'Robin' Myers via pinfall when Zyon hit Myers with the Cruiserweight Title and put Spike on top of him. The low-blow-with-a-magnet to Ghost Machine deserves an honourable mention. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Mistress Sarah & Christian Fury def. The Crimson Skull & Jason Von Dierch via submission when Skull tapped to a Fury Crossface Chickenwing. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Jay Hawke & Archie Griffon def. Todd Cortez & Rush Hadrian by pinfall when Hawke DDT'd Hadrian onto the International Title belt without the ref seeing. NON-TITLE MATCH El Luchadore Magnifico def. Max King via pinfall with a Northern Lights Buster Lockdown, broadcast 2-22-06 from the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, Minnesota Rush Hadriad def. Matt 'Brett Favre' Myers via pinfall with a Diamond Cutter. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Jimmy The Doom & Manson def. Jay Hawke & Archie Griffon Jimmy pinned Hawke following the Doom Driver. Spike Jenkins def. Laberinto via pinfall with a lariat. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Wildchild & Stryke def. The Crimson Skull & Jason Von Dierch when Wildchild pinned Von Dierch following the Caribbean Cutter. SWF CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE Akira Kaibatsu def. Zyon via submission with a Cross Kneelock to win the Cruiserweight Title. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Insane Luchador & Kevin Coyote def. Drunk & Disorderly when Coyote pinned Bruce Blank following a brass knuckles shot. CAGE MATCH Landon Maddix def. Michael Cross by leaving the cage after doing all sorts of nasty things to him first. Smarkdown, broadcast 2-27-06 from the MTS Center in Winnepeg, Mannitoba, Canada. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Jimmy The Doom & Manson def. Todd Cortez & Rush Hadrian when Manson pinned Cortez following a Western Lariat. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH [Mistress Sarah was injured in this match, causing her to be replaced by the returning Sean Davis] Sean Davis & Christian Fury def. Matt Myers & Ghost Machine 2.0 when Davis pinned Myers after Military Pressing him onto the ropes. HARDCORE Michael Cross def. The Masked Crusader via pinfall following the Silent Rage Syndrome off things and onto other things and basically, it was just pretty damn nasty, aight? SWF CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE Akira Kaibatsu def. Zyon via pinfall with the Divine Wind to retain the title. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Insane Luchador & Kevin Coyote def. Wildchild & Stryke when IL pins Wildchild after Coyote hits the Full Moon Assault. SIX-MAN TAG El Luchadore Magnifico, The Crimson Skull and Jay Hawke def. Wes Davenport, Max King and Landon Maddix when Skull pinned King after ELM hit the Mexican Pride Press. Storm, broadcast 3-3-06 from the Metrapark Arena in Billings, Montana Ghost Machine 2.0 (technically) def. Christian Fury via DQ when Fury repeatedly hit him with a chair. Not that he was living up to his name. Or anything. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Drunk & Disorderly def. Jay Hawke & Archie Griffon when Bruce Blank pinned Hawke following the Disorderly Conduct (Wildchild had previously interfered and hit the Caribbean Cutter on Hawke). LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Spike Jenkins & Zyon def. Rush Hadrian & Todd Cortez when Spike pins Hadrian with a cradle. LETHAL LOTTERY TAG MATCH Insane Luchador & Kevin Coyote def. Ced Ordonez & Laberinto after Coyote lands on top of Ced when IL interrupts a Dynamite Rave attempt with a backdrop suplex. Lockdown, broadcast 3/8/06 from the San Quentin State Prison in San Quentin, California PRISON BITCH MATCH Amy Stephens def. Matt 'Bubba' Myers via submission with the Last Orders. Landon Maddix, Christian Fury and Arch Griffon all get abducted by Ebony. Serve them bloody well right, too. BALL & CHAIN MATCH 'Hollywood' Spike Jenkins & Zyon def. Jimmy The Doom & Manson via pinfall when Zyon and Spike hit a Final Flash/guillotine legdrop combination on Manson and Zyon pins him. HELL IN A CELL BLOCK (ULTRAVIOLENT TITLE) Bruce Blank© def. Crimson Skull by... I dunno, ask Ghost Machine 2.0, the special ref. Anyway, Bruce hit a piledriver and retained, somehow. LETHAL LOTTERY MATCH Asian Underground def. Kevin Coyote & Insane Luchador when Akira Kaibatsu pins Coyote with a schoolboy. Wildchild and Wes Davenport def. El Luchadore Magnifico and Jay Hawke via pinfall after Wildchild hit the Wild Driver on Magnifico and dragged Wes on top to cover. SWF FROM THE FIRE! Broadcast live on 3/14/06 from the American West Arena in Phoenix, Arizona FROST 'The Fallen Angel' David Cross def. Martin 'Big Country' Hunt via pinfall with the Infinite Justice. CALVINBALL III Jimmy The Doom defeats Sean Davis, Stryke, JJ Johnson, The Crimson Skull (maybe), Arch Griffon, Christian Fury and An Octopus by napalming a large amount of meat with an assist from Jessica Hudnall's research paper. FROM THE FIRE DEATH ON ICE (ULTRAVIOLENT TITLE) Bruce Blank© def. The Renegade with a Running Tombstone. ULTRAVIOLENT LADDER MATCH Insane Luchador def. Wayne Blank to get a contract for a match with Bruce Blank. CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE CONTENDERSHIP MATCH Ghost Machine 2.0 def. Amy Stephens via pinfall by reversing a body scissors into a pin. CAGE MATCH (INTERNATIONAL TITLE) Wildchild def. Jay Hawke© via pinfall with the Wild Ride to win the International Title. TRIPLE-THREAT TABLES, LADDER AND CHAIRS (TAG TITLES) Asia Underground (Michael Cross and Akira Kaibatsu) def. Landon Maddix© & Max King© and Spike Jenkins & Zyon to become Tag Champions. PINK SLIP STREET FIGHT Kevin Coyote def. Longdogger Pete (his father, don'tcherknow) after a simultaneous fall through a pile of flaming tables to end Pete's SWF employment. SWF WORLD TITLE Wes Davenport def. El Luchador Magnifico© via pinfall by reversing the Sangria Stretch into a pin to become the World Champion. AftershoXXXxxxXXXxxx, broadcast 3/16/06 from the Aggie Memorial Stadium in New Mexico University NOTHING MATCH-WISE HAPPENED ON THIS SHOW BECAUSE MICHAEL CROSS IS A WUSS. Smarkdown, broadcast 3/20/06 from the Houston Astrodome The Crimson Skull pinned David Cross after a spear. CRUISERWEIGHT RULES Ghost Machine 2.0 made Spike Jenkins submit to a Superior Stretch. JJ Johnson and Sean Davis defeated Insane Luchador and Jimmy the Doom when Johnson pinned Luchador with a bridged backdrop driver. ULTRAVIOLENT TITLE – SCOREBOARD SCUFFLE Bruce Blank defeated Arch Griffon by backdropping him through the Astrodome’s scoreboard. Wildchild pinned Kevin Coyote after reversing a spear into a Caribbean Cutter. Storm, broadcast 3/24/06 from the Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge, Lousiana. JJ Johnson defeated David Cross with a Tiger Driver. TRIPLE THREAT Christian Fury def. Jimmy the Doom and Stryke via pinfall after he hit Jimmy with the Thunder & Lightning. Insane Luchador and Amy Stephens vs. Crimson Skull and Kevin Coyote was cancelled after sudden meteor shower destroyed the ring. Zyon def. Ghost Machine 2.0 via pinfall with a 911 Aero Driver. FEVER PITCH MATCH (ULTRAVIOLENT TITLE) Bruce Blank© def. Sean Davis by tearing his skin with a barbed-wire bat (86 dB) to retain. PURE RULES (CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE) Akira Kaibatsu© def. Spike Jenkins in a Pure Rules match for the Cruiserweight Championship with a Rising Sun in the ropes when Jenkins was out of rope breaks to retain. Lockdown, broadcast 3/29/06 from the Mississippi Coast Coliseum in Biloxi, Mississippi Michael Cross def. Matt Myers via pinfall with the Cross To Bear. Amy Stephens def. Christian Fury via pinfall with the Jackdanielshammer. TAG TITLES JJ Johnson & Manson def. Asian Underground© via submission when Johnson made Akira Kaibatus tap to a Stepover Facelock to win the Tag Titles. BARBED WIRE CAGE MATCH (ULTRAVIOLENT TITLE) Bruce Blank and Insane Luchador was a no-contest when Bruce Blank drove his Ford pickup into the ring, destroying it. LAST MAN STANDING MATCH (SWF WORLD TITLE) Wes Davenport© def. Jay Hawke when Hawke failed to answer the count following the Die Hard... With A Vengeance. Wes retains. Smarkdown, broadcast 4/3/06 from the Mobile Civic Center, Mobile, Alabama David Cross def. Stryke via pinfall with the Infinite Justice. Manson def. Christian Fury via burning a fucking hole right through that motherfucker with a MANSONOSITY!! All hail Manson! Kevin Coyote def. Sean Davis via pinfall with the Full Moon Assault. INTERNATIONAL / TAG TITLE CONTENDERSHIP Michael Cross def. Arch Griffon via pinfall with an Oklahoma Roll to win contendership to the International Title. JJ Johnson was also in the match. Landon Maddix and Jay Hawke went to a time limit draw. CRIMSON TIDE MATCH (ULTRAVIOLENT TITLE) Amy Stephens def. Bruce Blank© by bloodying him and throwing him over the side of the USS Alabama to win the Ultraviolent Title. Storm, broadcast 4/7/06 from The Pyramid in Memphis, Tennessee Grendel def. Matt 'Beowulf' Myers via pinfall with Grendel's Curse. The New Doomtopians (Jimmy The Doom and The Doomstroyer) def. Kevin Coyote & Avery Duciel when Jimmy pinned Avery following Jimmy's Jump. HARDCORE MATCH (NON-TITLE) Zyon def. Amy Stephens© via pinfall with the Final Flash. Landon Maddix def. Spike Jenkins via submission when Spike tapped to the Land of Nod. CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE Akira Kaibatsu© def. Christian Fury via submission with a Fujiwara Armbar to retain. AUSTRALIAN DEATHMATCH JJ Johnson def. Janus 3-2 and becomes #1 Contender to the World Heavyweight Title. INTERNATIONAL TITLE Wildchild© def. Michael Cross via pinfall with the Wild Ride to retain. SWF Lockdown, broadcast 4/12/06 from the Carolina Center, Columbia, NC Grendel def. Ghost Machine 2.0 via pinfall with a Shooting Star Press. FATAL FOUR-WAY Zyon def. Insane Luchador via pinfall after hitting him in the head with Excalibur, the Light Tube Sword. Also in the match were The Crimson Skull and Stryke. Michael Cross def. David Cross (no relation) via haiku. SUBMISSION MATCH Jay Hawke def. Spike Jenkins when Spike gave up on the pre-match handshake. BOILER ROOM BRAWL (ULTRAVIOLENT TITLE) Amy Stephens© def. Bruce Blank via pinfall to retain when Sean Davis broke into the room and gave Blank the Maelstrom. NON-TITLE MATCH ...did not take place, as Wes Davenport vacated the World Title to re-pursue his acting career. SWF Smarkdown, broadcast 4/17/06 from the Georgia Dome, Atlanta, Georgia Grendel def. Archie Griffon via pinfall following a Death Valley Driver. Zyon def. Manson via submission(!) with the Gouki Crossface. Sean Davis and the Insane Luchador... didn't fight. NUMBER #1 CONTENDER (INTERNATIONAL) Jimmy The Doom def. Kevin Coyote via pinfall with the Doom Driver to become #1 Contender to the International Title. SWF BATTLEGROUND, broadcast LIVE~ from the Alltell Stadium in Jacksonville, Florida Christan Fury def. David Cross via countout when Cross didn't show up for his match. Sean Davis def. Michael Cross via submission with the Avalance. Jay Hawke def. Manson via submission with the Wing Span. NON-TITLE MATCH Megan Skye def. Amy Stephens© after Landon Maddix interfered and hit a Shining Wizard. AIR RAID MATCH (Cruiserweight Title) Grendel def. Akira Kaibatsu©, Austin Sly and Stryke by grabbing the belt off the thingy above the ringy. PANDEMONIUM IRONMAN MATCH Bruce Blank def. Insane Luchador 4 falls to 3 after extra time following a Psycho Driver onto barbed wire and glass shards. Just imagine his health insurance bills. INTERNATIONAL TITLE Wildchild© def. Jimmy The Doom via pinfall with the Wild Ride to retain. STREET FIGHT Zyon def. Spike Jenkins via knock-out after far too many chairshots. Sean Davis made a cameo appearance afterwards to put Spike through a table. CANADIAN DEATHMATCH (WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE) Landon Maddix def. JJ Johnson 10-8 after turning the Land of Nod into a Gedo Clutch for the final pinfall. Landon wins the vacant World Heavyweight Title. SWF WORLD TOUR!! AftershoxxXXxxXXxxXXxx...ahh, you get the idea - broadcast 4/28/06 from the Olympiastadion in Berlin, Germany Bloodshed def. Austin Sly via pinfall following the Bad Acid Trip. JJ Johnson def. Akira Kaibatsu via pinfall with the ADF II for the #1 Contendership to the International Title. Janus won't be pleased. NON-TITLE MATCH Wayne Blank def. Amy Stephens© via pinfall with the What The Fuck Was That? Lockdown, broadcast 5/3/06 from the steps of the Kremlin, Russia Aecas def. Manson via pinfall with an avalanche brainbuster. SJL FLASHBACK!! Austin Sly def. Spike Jenkins via pinfall with a springboard Calf Branding. Akira Kaibatsu def. Wayne Blank via pinfall with a small package. HOUSE RULES STEREOTYPICAL DRUNKEN RUSSIANS MATCH Sean Davis def. Bloodshed when Bloodshed couldn't hold his liquor. INTERNATIONAL TITLE JJ Johnson def. Wildchild© via submission with a Buffalo Sleeper to win the International Title. NON-TITLE MATCH Grendel© def. Zyon via pinfall with the Redeemer. TITLE VS TITLE (Hardcore Gamers vs World) Amy Stephens© and Landon Maddix© goes to effectively a no-contest when Landon walks away from the match after giving Amy a Grade 3 concussion. Smarkdown, broadcast 5/8/06 from the Green Zone in Baghdad NON-TITLE MATCH Grendel© def. Bloodshed by DQ when Bloodshed dropkicked the Cruiserweight Title into Grendel's face. HOUSE RULES 'SWEEP AND CLEAR' MATCH Jimmy The Doom def. Austin Sly by defusing 6.5 'bombs' to Sly's 5.5 Aecas def. Sean Davis via submission with the Burning Angel. LUCHA LIBRE TRIOS MATCH Wildchild, Akira Kaibatsu and Zyon def. Spike Jenkins, JJ Johnson and Manson when Zyon pinned Spike Jenkins following the Final Flash. Storm, Broadcast 5/12/06 from the Pyramids of Ghiza, Egypt SINGLE TAG TITLE MATCH Spike Jenkins def. Manson© via pinfall with the Endwell. Spike wins the tag belt and becomes JJ Johnson's partner as Tag Champions. JJ Johnson def. Arch Griffon via submissions with the Frostbite III More importantly than all of this, Toxxic and Tom Flesher return. Lockdown, Broadcast 5/17/06 from the Taj Mahal, India Michael Stephens def. Sean Davis via pinfall with a Slingshot Oklahoma Roll. HARDCORE MATCH Insane Luchador def. Jay Hawke, but we don't see how due to an untimely commercial break. Wildchild def. Tom Flesher by reversing the King Cobra into a pin. Bloody disrespectful, if you ask me. INTERNATIONAL TITLE Spike Jenkins and JJ Johnson© go to a time limit draw. Johnson retains. CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE (Elimination Triple-Threat) Zyon def. Akira Kaibatsu via submission with the Gouki Crossface to become the Cruiserweight Champion. Grendel© had previously been eliminated by Akira via pinfall with a Kaibatsu Drop. Smarkdown, broadcast 5/22/2006 from the Phimai Historical Park in Phimai, Thailand HARDCORE MATCH Manson def. Akira Kaibatsu via pinfall after powerbombing Akira through a table. Manson is now the #1 Contedner to the Hardcore Gamer's Championship. CRUISERWEIGHT RULES (Non-title) Zyon© def. Bloodshed via DQ when Bloodshed threw him over the top rope. INTERNATIONAL TITLE Aecas def. JJ Johnson© via pinfall following an Ezui-Decapitator. Aecas is the new International Champion. HANDICAP MATCH Tom Flesher and Charlie 'Grappler' Matthews vs Michael Stephens, Amy Stephens and Sean Davis is declared a no-contest when Mike Van Siclen attacks Michael and Amy with a chair before being run off by Sean Davis. Storm, broadcast 5/26/2006 from Angkor Wat, Cambodia! Tom Flesher def. Insane Luchador when IL passed out in the King Cobra. Bruce Blank & Bloodshed def. Stryke and Christian Fury (standing in for David Cross) via pinfall when Blank hits Styke with a Big Boot (as in, he kicks him in the face. Not just hits him with a massive boot or something. That'd be stupid). THE SEARCH FOR EN-FIGHTENMENT (House Rules) HARDCORE GAMER'S TITLE Spike Jenkins def. Manson and Amy Stephens© by breaking statues of the Buddha over each of his opponent's heads to become the new HGC Champion and King of Cambodia. Jay Hawke def. Grendel via submission with a Fujiwara Armbar. JJ Johnson def. Sean Davis via pinfall with a series of lariats. NON-TITLE MATCH Zyon def Landon Maddix© with the Final Flash. Lockdown, broadcast 5/31/2006 from Tiennamen Square, China THE MAY 31st MOVEMENT TAG MATCH (House Rules) The Dead Precedents (Bruce Blank & Bloodshed) def. Zyon & Akira Kaibatsu via pinfall when Bloodshed gets Zyon with a Tiger Suplex. It's worth noting this match took place in a ring being carried on the back of a fucking tank. Michael Stephens def. David Cross via submission with the RTF II. INTERNATIONAL TITLE Aecas© def. Wildchild via pinfall with an Ocean Cyclone Suplex to retain the title. NON-TITLE MATCH Manson def. Landon Maddix© AFTER HIS OVERWHELMING AURA BLOWS A HOLE CLEAN THROUGH MADDIX'S STERNUM! MANSON-FUCKING-ALITY! Manson then becomes Emperor of China. TAG TITLES The New Doomtopians def. Spike Jenkins© and JJ Johnson© after Jimmy The Doom pins Spike following the Hava Nagila. Jimmy The Doom and the Doomstroyer are now Tag Team Champions. Smarkdown, broadcast 6/5/2006 from the front lawn of the Seoul Namdaemun Gate in Seoul, South Korea. SEOUL SURVIVOR MATCH Sean Davis eliminated Grendel with an Avalanche Tiger Driver. Stryke eliminated Sean Davis with a Backdrop Driver. Akira Kaibatsu eliminates Stryke with the Divine Wind to win the match and become the Seoul Survivor. Michael Stephens def. Insane Luchador via pinfall with the Sunny In England. TAG TITLES The New Doomtopians© def. The Dead Precedents to retain the titles after the Doomstroyer pins Bloodshed following an Electric Chair/Doom Factor combination. Zyon def. JJ Johnson via pinfall with an Avalance Brainbuster. SWF 13th HOUR, broadcast LIVE~ on June 11th 2006 from the Nippon Budokan Halls in Tokyo, Japan! Jimmy The Doom© def. Austin Sly with a top-rope Jimmy Bomb. Wildchild def. Grendel via pinfall with the Wild Ride. Tom Flesher & Charlie 'Grappler' Matthews def. The Dead Precedents via pinfall after Team MatFlesh hit a spike piledriver on Bloodshed and Matthews makes the cover. HARDCORE TITLE - CAGE MATCH Sean Davis def. Spike Jenkins© after Spike blacks out in a bearhug against the cage to become the Hardcore Gamer's Champion. Presumbaly, Spike is still King of Cambodia. KING'S ROAD MATCH Va'aiga def. JJ Johnson via pinfall following the Va'aiga Stinger. CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE 'Iron' Mike Cross (replacement for the injured Akira Kaibatsu) def. Zyon© via submission with a back-mounted Full Nelson. Mike Cross is now the Cruiserweight Champion. INTERNATIONAL TURMOIL - INTERNATIONAL TITLE Insane Luchador eliminates Stryke with a Fujiwara Armbar. Aecas© eliminates Insane Luchador with a Decapitator. Aecas© eliminates Matt 'Elvis' Myers (and the Memphis Eel) by powerbombing Myers into the Eel. Aecas© eliminates MANSON with the Backdrop Driver to retain the International Title. LAST MAN STANDING - WORLD TITLE Michael Stephens def. Landon Maddix© after Landon was unable to answer the ten-count following the RTF II. Michael Stephens wins the World Heavyweight Title. SWF FICTIONAL World Tour! (aka Raynor's gone insane) Aftershoxxx, broadcast 6/16/2006 from the Raccoon City Police Station Austin Sly def. The Insane Luchador via pinfall after hitting him in the back of the head with the BUTT of a shotgun. He and IL had previously been using shotguns to kill zombies. As you do. INTERPROMOTIONAL TAG MATCH The Dead Precedents def. GPX of the OAOAST via DQ when GPX push guest referee Chris Raynor. Stupid kids. Go back to your fed that sucks cetecean phalluses. Lockdown, broadcast 6/21/2006 from the Doomerican Airlines Center, Doomtopia Kerry Staunton and Scott Rageheart def. Matt Myers and Martin 'Big Country' Hunt when Staunton pins Myers after the Axe Bomber. Bruce Blank def. MANSON via pinfall after hitting him with a sub containing a lead pipe. JIMMY'S KITCHEN MATCH Tom Flesher def. Jimmy The Doom by making a sandwich and force-feeding it to his opponent. Austin Sly def. Spike Jenkins via pinfall following a springboard Calf Branding. Wildchild def. Landon Maddix via pinfall following the Wild Ride. INTERNATIONAL TITLE Charlie Matthews def. Aecas© via countout. Aecas retains the International Title. WORLD TITLE Michael Stephens© def. Zyon via pinfall following the Sunny In England. Smarkdown, broadcast 6/26/2006 from Dot's Diner, in the Baudway Sector, in the City of Mainframe (don't ask me, I didn't make this shit up) Ghost Machine 3.0 def. Ced Ordonez via pinfall following a Running Tombstone. Well disguised, he ain't. Amy Stephens def. Wildchild via submission following the Last Orders. It could well be that the 'interactions' between Michael Stephens and Mel Fasaki on the outside threw Wildchild off his game a bit. ELECTRIFIED CAGE MATCH Bruce Blank def. Austin Sly via pinfall after pushing Sly into the cage to counter a figure-four and Sly got electrocuted. Only didn't die. NON-TITLE MATCH Landon Maddix def. Mike Cross© via pinfall following a quebrada. The brass knuck shot beforehand may have helped. HARDCORE TITLE Jimmy The Doom def. Scott Rageheart, Insane Luchador and Spike Jenkins to become the new Hardcore Champion by actually turning in something at least vaguely resembling a fucking match. Lockdown, broadcast 6/30/06 from the fourth Pelican Bay aboard the Cairo Orbital Defense Platform Mike Van Siclen def. Stryke via pinfall following the Riot Act. HOUSE RULES: ESCAPE POD MATCH Bruce Blank def. Grendel by getting the hell out of Dodge (or the Cairo Orbital Defense Platform) and escaping the attacking Covenant army. TAG TITLES Tom Flesher and Charlie 'Grappler' Matthews def. The New Doomtopians © via pinfall when Matthews pins The Doomstroyer following a Spike Piledriver. Tom Flesher and Charlie Matthews are the new SWF Tag Team Champions.

I knew there was a reason I got a title shot.

I love the fact that we can have conversations like this in this fed. For all the neck-snapping, bone-breaking seriousness and the fact that some of us (particularly me) can get really pissy when we lose, we still have matches where a (kayfabe-wise) midcard Jobber To The Stars can disintegrate, decapitate, dismember or otherwise destroy whoever he's in the ring with at the time. AND NONE OF US THINK IT'S ODD ANYMORE.

Yeah, happy birthday Landon. Whoop.

Mid-2004, when he was writing a match against someone (I can't remember who, possibly Clark). Manson wrote a couple of thousand words of a normal match, ran out of time and tacked on a finish where laser eye beams shot out of his head and destroyed his opponent with the power of MANSONOSITY. Suicide King, who was marking, didn't put it over the full-length match written by his opponent but still thought that it was great and encouraged Manson to post the losing match for all to see. And so the legend of MANSONOSITY, and Manson's cult status in the fed, came to be.

Then if you really thought it was so bad, my suggestion would be you take it up with the marker. Flesher and Grappler (incidentally, two of the best writers we've ever had) are perfectly entitled to write an entire match of themselves slapping you about the face with a haddock if they want - however if that match wins, you should be questioning the marker. Besides, Grappler's matches almost always contain stupidity of one sort or another. Just be grateful you weren't facing the Masked Man.

Anyone know what channel, if any, is carrying ECW, and when? EDIT: Now I see that it's replacing Velocity internationally. Which means that we'll get it SUNDAY MORNING. Goddamn, that's going to be a lot of stuff cut out.

J3 already explained to me that Mount Doom is necessary, due to your entrance music.

The Eel is gold.

I know none of them.

Sadly, I don't have broadband. Still, 10pm on Sunday night shouldn't be TOO bad. As long as it doesn't clash with a Wrestling Channel supercard show like the TNA PPVs.