Toxxic

Hey, Ash dropped in Raynor. Just get him to give you the Jumping Mew Driver! *prepares to be jobbed to infinity... and beyond!!*

I second the thanking of God that Ash has retired.

Both London and Spanky actually look like they hit hard for their size. Unlike say, Rey, whose offence is mainly based on using his opponent's momentum to land them on their back, and landing on them himself when he's easily the smallest guy on the roster. London and Spanky aren't THAT much bigger, but do moves that actually look like they hurt. That being said, my money's on Lashley. And for the people who suggested Hardy... I'd love it, but what fucking PLANET are you on!?

Which is all gonna look a bit off if we vote for Mak as the new commentator. I guess he can do it in a neck brace.

Happy birthday Strangler. Try not to drown in the ocean this year.

'Two Tribes' by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

Well, here we go (with the Edwin commentary that Raynor liked so much). I was having real motivation issues and then blitzed out 4ks, then looked at the card and realised it was a 1000 words short. So I had the option of staying up another hour to finish, or chancing that it'd win. I took the chance, it didn't pay off. Congratulations, Zyon! ----------------------------------------- “It’s Friday! It’s Storm! It’s hotter than a midsummer holiday in hell, and more exciting than…” Edwin MacPhisto pauses, struggles for a simile, then weakly finishes with “…a very exciting thing! But don’t just take my word for it, oh no,” the Mac Daddy rallies with a flashing smile, “let’s hear from our audience!” “YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” The cameras sweep around the arena, taking in the heaving, sweating mass of bodies than constitutes a normal SWF crowd. Signs ranging from ‘SPIKE IS EMO!’ to ‘CROSS + CROSS + FURY = TEAM ANGER EXTREME!’ and even ‘AMY GETS HARDCORE ON TV!’ are being waved with improbable enthusiasm as the shot pans around. It finishes up at the announce table where Edwin sits with a very sulky-looking Suicide King. “I’m telling you, I’m considering handing in my notice,” King gripes, “Annie and CIA were bad enough, I thought things were getting better with Mak… but now I have to sit here all night and listen to your inane babblings?” “Brian, you’re going to hurt my feelings,” Edwin chides him, passing him a piece of paper, “look, I’m handing in my notice!” King unfolds said piece of paper to find it reads ‘SUICIDE KING AMZ TEH L00ZER!’, crumples it up and throws it at his commentary partner’s head. Just as he does so the Smarktron darkens… ‘I’M BORN’ ‘I’M ALIVE’ ‘I BREATHE’ … and ‘Vitamin’ by Incubus kicks up over the PA system causing the crowd to rise to their feet in response! A few moments later a familiar, rangy youth appears at the top of the ramp and stops. He grins, as usual… but there’s something a little different about it. It seems that just a little of the Unique Youth’s confidence and naivety has been shaken by the betrayal of a man called Spike Jenkins. Mind you, this doesn’t stop him from charging down the entrance ramp a few moments later. “YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” “Ladies and gentlemen, the following non-title match is scheduled for one fall and will be contested under Hardcore rules!” Funyon booms. “Introducing first, from Elkhart, Indiana; he weighs in tonight at 200lbs… this is the ‘Unique Youth’; ZYYYYYYYYY-ONNNNNNNNN!!” “He was born, he’s alive; I grieve,” King spits, “this kid is a waste of space and oxygen, and his wrestling’s so spotty he should be quarantined.” “My friend, I think it’s clear you have some deep-seated issues,” Edwin says from behind a pair of half-moon spectacles that he’s acquired from somewhere, “don’t hide behind shallow niceties; say what you really feel!” “Naff off Edwin, you demented Limey prick.” This apparently was not what the Crown Prince of Flash and Panache had in mind, but as Zyon leaps into the ring and begins headbanging Incubus fades out and an altogether rawer sound blasts out across the arena; ‘Blitzkrieg Bop’ by the Ramones! Seconds later Amy Stephens appears at the top of the entrance ramp with a beer in one hand and a black holdall in the other with the Ultraviolent Title wrapped firmly around her waist. However, around the head of the Ultraviolent Champion is a new adornment - a circle, perhaps a crown, made out of barbed wire and padded on the inside. Before the crowd can fully take this addition in Amy chugs down a few swallows of lager before running down to the ring herself. “Wow,” King says, apparently transfixed, “just look at them go…” *THWACK!* “OWW! What the hell was that for?” He rounds upon Edwin, who whistles innocently and looks at the ceiling whilst trying to conceal a kendo stick behind his back with exceptionally limited success. Meanwhile Amy has slid into the ring and mounted the turnbuckle before raising her beer into the air and leading them in a chorus: “HEY! HO! LET’S GO!” “HEY! HO! LET’S GO!” “HEY! HO! LET’S GO!” “HEY! HO! LET’S GO!” As Joey Ramone launches into the verse Amy jumps down, places her beer on the apron and then starts unbuckling the Ultraviolent Title while Funyon raises his microphone again. “And his opponent, from Nottingham, England; she weighs in tonight at 171lbs and is the SWF Ultraviolent Champion; this is the ‘Punk-Rock Princess’… AAAAAA-MMMMMYYYYY… STEEEEEEEEEE-PHENS!!” “OK, lechery aside,” King says with a sideways glare at Edwin, “I’m still trying to get the appeal of Amy Stephens. She’s the brother of one of the most egotistical, arrogant assholes in the history of the federation; she drinks; she swears; she’s an ignorant, unskilled brawler and she’s sleeping with Landon Maddix. What in that mixture makes these morons cheer her?” “Perhaps the fact that she deprived a smelly, unwashed lout of his most prized possession on Smarkdown?” Edwin suggests, “after all, seeing Bruce Blank finally lose that title was a happy day for many boys and girls around the world.” “Edwin, I swear you couldn’t ask ‘boys and girls’ to ‘step right up’ these days without leaving yourself open to a lot of uncomfortable questions.” Zyon isn’t content to wait for the bell it seems, and the Unique Youth darts forwards to nail Amy in the back with a front dropkick, then kips up as the Ultraviolent Champion is sent sprawling onto her front with her ‘crown’ skittering away! “LET’S GO A-MY!” “LET’S GO ZY-ON!” The warring chants are already starting up as Zyon grabs Amy and pulls her up, then takes her hand and goes to Irish whip her towards the far corner; however, Stephens puts the brakes on and grips Zyon’s hand herself as the Unique Youth is trying to let go, then pulls him into a left hook that floors him out of surprise as much as anything else, before starting to put the boots to him. This wasn’t a development that Zyon was expecting and the startled Indianan is forced to roll under the ropes and out to the arena floor to escape! “Amy Stephens proving that she can take a licking-” Edwin begins, but is cut off by King’s hysterical laughter. “What? What did I say?” “You’re just lucky Annie isn’t here,” King chokes, then corrects himself, “actually, we’re all lucky Annie isn’t here.” He sobers up and coughs. “Sorry. Carry on.” “…and still come back for more!” “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!” “And you call me weird,” Edwin mutters, casting a sidelong look at his commentary partner. In the meantime Amy has gripped the top rope and pulled it as far back as possible, then as Zyon looks round she launches herself into the air! The plancha is sloppy, ill-executed and pretty badly-timed. However, it’s uncharacteristic enough to take Zyon completely by surprise, and 171lbs of Amy Stephens flattens the Unique Youth against the Pyramid’s floor! Once there Amy takes a moment to recover herself, then takes advantage of the fact that she’s more or less on top of her opponent and just starts firing right hands down onto him! *BAM!* *BAM!* *BAM!* *BAM!* *BAM!* “OK, this could get tedious,” King says as Amy shows no signs of ceasing her assault. However, no sooner are the words out of the Gambling Man’s mouth than Amy gets up off Zyon and pumps her arms, encouraging the crowd to get behind her! “LET’S GO A-MY!” “LET’S GO A-MY!” Zyon is rolling around on the floor holding his head but he isn’t allowed to wallow in self-pity as Amy grabs him, hauls him up and then Irish whips him hard into a nearby guardrail! *CRASH!* The Unique Youth hits back-first which probably doesn’t do his ongoing spinal problem any good, but Amy couldn’t care less and has turned around to root in her black holdall (strangely familiar to the one Toxxic always used to bring along for hardcore matches). A few seconds later she pulls out a black-and-white spherical object that is recognised by oh, ten percent of the crowd? “What’s that?” King asks in bewilderment. “That, my dear Brian, is a soccer ball,” the Englishman Edwin proclaims, “the beautiful game!” “That reminds me, how are Leeds doing this season?” King asks, hoping against hope he’s going to hit a sore nerve. “…shut up.” Zyon has slumped down against the guardrail and is sitting with his legs apart to form a ‘v’ shape that leads nicely (or not, depending on your point of view) up to his crotch. This is however possibly not a good plan as Amy places the soccer ball on the floor, backs up a few steps and then sprints forward to punt it as hard as she can at her opponent’s testicles! *WHUP!!* “OOOOOOOOoooooooohhhhhhhhh…” The male contingent of the crowd wince in sympathy as Zyon’s eyes suddenly bulge and he collapses to one side making vague spasming motions. Meanwhile Amy raises both arms in the air and shouts ‘GOAL!’ at the top of her lungs! “Do you think she bent it like Beckham?” King asks. Regardless of her talent compared to famous English soccer players Amy makes her way over to where Zyon lays and rolls the Unique Youth onto his back, then hooks his leg for a cover. Referee Brian Warner has already vacated the ring in order to keep an eye on proceedings and it doesn’t take him a second to get in a position where he can see Zyon’s shoulders and make the count… ONE! TWO!! …but Zyon kicks out well before three, proving that it’s going to take more than testicular trauma to put him away! Which isn’t necessarily a problem for Amy, who is quite prepared to explore various way to mangle someone’s body. Accordingly she grabs Zyon again and hauls him upright, then Irish whips him towards another guardrail. However, despite being more hurt this time Zyon has absolutely no desire to taste steel again (I know he doesn’t have tastebuds in his back, work with me here) and instead of crashing into the rail he is able to spring up to balance on top of it for a moment, then corkscrew back off to take Amy down with the No Regard! “YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” “LET’S GO ZY-ON!” “LET’S GO ZY-ON!” “What a counter by Zyon,” Edwin exclaims, “he’s certainly living up to his moniker of the ‘Unique Youth’!” “So he can flip-flop around the ring outside as well as inside it,” King sniffs, “big deal. Hopefully he’ll land on top of Landon’s bint and injure them both, then Bruce Blank can take back the title that’s his by rights.” Zyon takes a second or two to get up from that, still feeling the pain not only in his back but also in his groin. However, after a moment to catch his breath the man from Elkhart manages to get to his feet, but discovers to his consternation that Amy is already stirring. Accordingly Zyon grabs her by the head, places her in a front facelock and throws her arm over his own shoulders before grabbing the waist of her pants and bringing her over with a snap suplex! *WHAM!* “Don’t get fooled by the protective mats folks, they’re thinner than King’s favourite hooker,” Edwin shills like a champ, “you can tell that move hurt Amy Stephens!” “And don’t get fooled by her gut either,” King remarks, “she’s only 170lbs and therefore reasonably easy for Zyon to suplex even with a bad back that’s been rammed into steel once already this match!” With Amy on her back and writhing around Zyon feels like Landon Maddix for a moment, but given that Stephens is hurt rather than… anything else… he quickly shakes the feeling off and looks for another way to take the fight to the Ultraviolent Champion. Accordingly his hops up to the ring apron and raises both arms above his head, then in a sanity-defying move he leaps upwards and spins forward, performing a somersault in the air to come crashing down on Amy with a 450 degree splash! The landing doesn’t seem to do his arms or knees many favours, but Brian Warner is on hand to count the pin… ONE! TWO!! …but Amy kicks out! “LET’S GO ZY-ON!” “LET’S GO ZY-ON!” “That was the Dawn from the ring apron,” Edwin says in some amazement, “King, have you ever seen such a-” “-stupid move?” King finishes for him, “usually only when Wildchild’s in the ring.” The fans definitely seem impressed with the Unique Youth’s acrobatics and there’s a definite surge of support for the man from Indiana as he gets back to his feet - a little gingerly, his knees took a fair bit of impact from that landing - and performs a quick headbang in honour of his own madness! That done, Zyon heads for the ring apron and bends down to start searching underneath. “Now what are you looking under there for?” King sighs. “Maybe for a weapon for this hardcore match?” Edwin surmises brightly. “There’s weapons all around him!” King replies, gesturing around, “everyone on the ground seats of this arena is sitting on a weapon, MacPhisto! And given how much these morons all love Zyon, I’m sure they could be persuaded to hand one over to him! It’s just an example of needless showing off; a steel chair was all you needed in my day…” “And the Ace of Clubs?” “That’s the difference between showing off and skilful finesse, you stupid Carnie!” It’s true that Zyon doesn’t have a steel chair, or indeed a baseball bat painted black. “YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” What he does have is a twelve-foot ladder. *cough*PenisExtension*cough* King seems to have a frog in his throat. However, regardless of the Gambling Man’s opinions of Zyon’s endowment the Unique Youth hefts his new-found friend with some difficulty, then aims it square at the ribs of the newly-standing Amy Stephens, and charges! It hits the Ultraviolent Champion amidships and sends her tumbling backwards with the breath blasted from her lungs. However, instead of following up immediately Zyon takes a few moments to wedge the ladder between the bottom and middle ropes across the corner of the ring so it reaches out into the ringside area on either side. Once this is done he grabs Amy and Irish whips her into it! *CRACK!* Amy gets caught in the head by the steel but doesn’t go down; instead she staggers backwards where Zyon reaches around to place her in an inverted headlock before raising his other arm high. “Wicked Cutter coming up,” Edwin shouts, remarkably well-informed, as all these guest commentators have been. However he immediately puts the jinx on Zyon’s chances of pulling the move off because as the Unique Youth twists around ready for the stunner part of it Amy whips out an arm and wraps it around his neck, looking for the Last Orders! “LET’S GO A-MY!” Zyon thinks quickly and drives an elbow back into Amy’s ribs, and their recent encounter with a steel ladder means they’re tender enough for the blow to cause the Punk-Rock Princess to loosen her grip a smidge. Encouraged, Zyon stamps backwards and lands his foot on top of Amy’s toes, then throws chivalry to the wind and reaches back to claw at her eyes! The girl from Nottingham releases her hold and shoves him away before clutching at her face and Zyon breathes a sigh of relief for a moment before turning around and charging at his opponent- *WHAM!* -but Amy floors him with a Polish Hammer! “YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” “LET’S GO A-MY!” “LET’S GO A-MY!” As Zyon lies on his back, looking up at the arena lights and probably checking to make sure he still has all his teeth, Amy - still swiping angrily at her eyes - approaches timekeeper David Blazenwing and unceremoniously turfs him off his seat, then snaps the steel chair into a folded position and advances on Zyon with bad intentions. The Unique Youth sees the first shot coming and rolls away with alacrity, causing Amy to slam the seating implement into the protective mats, but Amy isn’t of the mindset to abandon a good idea just because she failed implement it properly the first time and the sight of the Ultraviolent Champion coming after him prompts the slightly dazed Zyon to roll back to his feet and run for it! Amy makes to follow but stops after a few paces; she wouldn’t catch Zyon on her best day, and being hit with steel ladders hasn’t helped her quickness any. Accordingly she stops, leans on the chair and wipes her eyes again, her vision still apparently blurred… … and Zyon, now on the other side of the ring, sneaks into it. “LET’S GO A-MY!” “LET’S GO ZY-ON!” “I wonder what Zyon has in mind now?” Edwin asks as the Unique Youth looks around. Half the crowd is cheering for him, and a wrestler like Zyon only has one aim in mind; to bring the other half around as well. Also, if you’re a wrestler like Zyon then you only really have one method of doing that - something spectacular. As a result it really shouldn’t surprise anyone that Zyon bounces up and down on his toes a couple of times, takes a few steps backwards for a run-up, then charges forward at a dead sprint and hurls himself out between the top and middle ropes, twisting as he goes to leave the ring with a beautiful corkscrew suicide dive! *CRACK!!* It shouldn’t have surprised anyone. And it certainly didn’t surprise Amy Stephens. Zyon may have been surprised by the fact that on his way out of the ring he caught a chair to the head as it was swung in the opposite direction, but to be fair, he might not be in a condition to register surprise or indeed many other emotions at the moment. We’re fairly sure pain might feature though. “HO-LY SHIT!” “HO-LY SHIT!” “She faked him out again!” King exclaims, “does that make her good or Zyon just incredibly dumb?” “That’s the price you pay when you wrestle at such a high tempo,” Edwin shouts over the roars of the crowd, “sometimes the risks you take just don’t pay off!” Amy drops the chair, hooks Zyon’s leg and looks up at Brian Warner, who has grabbed his own head in sympathy for the fallen Unique Youth. However the referee quickly catches onto the situation and drops to count as Amy pins Zyon’s shoulders to the floor…. ONE! TWO!! THHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR- -but as incongruous as it may seem, Zyon kicks out! “YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” “LET’S GO ZY-ON!” “LET’S GO ZY-ON!” Amazingly, the failure of his crowd-winning move doesn’t matter as much as his kickout from what seemed certain defeat, and the Memphis crowd are much more firmly behind the young wrestler from Indiana than they were before! Amy rolls her eyes in a manner eerily reminiscent of her brother’s reactions to so many American crowds, then drags the semi-conscious Zyon to his feet - not without a visible wince from the pain in her midsection - then rolls him under the bottom rope into the ring. She follows straight afterwards with her chair in hand and places it on the canvas before picking Zyon up and placing him in a front facelock. However, her attempt of the Double D T onto the chair is halted as Zyon gives way to instinct and slams his forearm up between her legs! *THUNK!* Clearly, Amy is not as vulnerable to a low blow as any male wrestler. However, that doesn’t mean that it’s a pleasant experience and while her reaction to the shot is not as extreme as Zyon would have hoped it allows him to wriggle backwards out of her grip. Amy has started to bend double, trying to shake off the effects… and Zyon backflips, nailing her in the face with a Flash kick! *SMACK!* “Good gravy, where is he getting it from!?” Edwin asks in astonishment. Zyon’s execution of the Flash kick wasn’t inch-perfect (hey, you try backflipping when you’re only half-conscious) but although he nearly landed on his head he did take Amy over. With a chance now open to him the Unique Youth stoops to grab the chair that Amy was about to DDT him on, wobbles and nearly falls over before he picks it up, then points to a nearby turnbuckle! “I have a bad feeling about this,” King says, before brightening, “actually, what can go wrong! He’ll mess up and hurt himself, and maybe Amy too!” Zyon approaches the turnbuckles, chair clutched in his hands, and with a prayer on his lips that his balance holds out he leaps to the second rope… …to the top rope… …jumps off again, and as he comes down extends his legs to catch the ropes… …and hits a perfect Dusk split-legged moonsault onto Amy WHILST HOLDING THE STEEL CHAIR! *WHAM!!* “SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS!” Edwin hollers, apparently channelling Cyclone Comet. Brian Warner seems equally shocked, but although Zyon is writhing in pain he is still on top on Amy Stephens and the referee quickly realises he has a job to do… ONE! TWO!! THHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! …NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! “THAT WAS THREE!” “LET’S GO A-MY!” “THAT WAS THREE!” “LET’S GO A-MY!” The warring chants are filling the Pyramid again, but the reality becomes clear to the battered Zyon as Brian Warner appears in his field of vision holding up two, yes, just two fingers! “Clearly, Amy Stephens was protected from the full force of that move by the twin airbags nature generously installed on her chest,” Suicide King says smugly, and backstage Joe Peters puts his head in his hands as militant feminists mark him down for assassination. Zyon can’t seem to believe what he’s being told, but despite the sinking desperation in his eyes the Unique Youth knows he isn’t done yet. It takes everything he has to get back to his feet, perhaps even more to bend down again and start to pick Amy Stephens up. The Punk-Rock Princess is having real trouble breathing but Zyon manages to peel her off the mat, then positions himself behind her and to the side and threads her near arm through her legs… then reaches over and applies a half-nelson to the far arm… “He’s going for the 911 Aero Driver,” Edwin calls, “and I don’t care how much spinach you’re chomping, this is goodnight, sailor!” “…what the hell are you talking about!?” Zyon takes a deep breath, grits his teeth… and lifts Amy Stephens up, positioning her on his shoulder ready for the sit-out driver that follows… but Amy starts kicking her legs. Normally Zyon could deal with this and adjust, but his balance isn’t the best at the moment. He struggles, he tries to keep his grip… and he fails. Amy slides out of the move, lands behind him, crumples to her knees… *CHING!* …and hits a low blow. “LET’S GO A-MY!” “LET’S GO ZY-ON!” Zyon’s world explodes into another sheer white landscape of pain, and it is only dimly that he registers Amy shuffling past him on her hands and knees as he bends double. There is nothing he can make his body do as she picks up the steel chair, and as she jumps up, grabs the back of his head with one hand and brings the chair up with the other in front of her knees all he can do is- *CRUNCH!!* “Face Breaker with a steel chair!” Edwin yells as Zyon topples sideways to the canvas, eyes glazing over. Amy growls in pain as she lands, both from her ribs and her knees, then flings the chair away and drapes one arm over her opponent’s chest… ONE! TWO!! THHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! *DING-DING-DING!!* “Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner,” Funyon booms, “the Punk-Rock Princess… AAAAAAAA-MMMMMMYYYYYYYY… STEEEEEEEEEE-PHENS!!” ‘Blitzkrieg Bop’ kicks up over the speakers as Amy wearily receives her belt back from Brian Warner, then crawls over to where she left her beer and her new barbed wire crown. She takes a healing swig from one and puts the other back on her head, then - not without some effort - lugs her black holdall out of the ring and goes in search of her soccer ball. “What a contest!” Edwin says with admiration, “a genuine Herculean effort on the part of both protagonists, and everyone goes home happy!” “Well, I think Zyon’s going to be a bit pissed,” King surmises, “after all he was beaten by a girl and is probably going to need a new face… but hey! That just makes it all the more amusing as far as I’m concerned! Besides,” the Gambling Man adds, “if she can be pushed this hard by someone as pathetic as Zyon then Bruce should have no trouble in getting his belt back on Lockdown!” “We shall see, Brian,” Edwin MacPhisto says mysteriously, “we shall see!” FADE OUT

Apart from a slight forgetfulness on the Janus "I/We" thing this was a damn good promo.

Fairly uncomplicated, as you'd expect from the Insane Luchador - "tell your brother he's a bitch and he should fight me!" (Y)

Damn right. Hell on Stilts? Office Brawls? Mousetrap Match? And I seem to remember something about a badger...

SPIKE ISN'T EMO!

You're a paranoid, whining, self-centred little bitch. Happy?

Don't worry. They'll both no-show. *ducks*

Damn right. You aren't weaselling out of that one.

So, Thoth: why did you want to know this, anyway?

Oh. I thought that 'no' meant 'not a good idea, don't put it in'. OK, blame Raynor AND J3.

Here we go - a latter-era Edwin stats post. SmarkBoards Name: Edwin MacPhisto Wrestler Name: Edwin MacPhisto Aliases: The Mac Daddy, The Crown Prince of Flash and Panache Height: 6'5" Weight: 239 Hometown: Leeds, England. Age: Unknown; he looks to be in his late 20s, early 30's on the bad days. Face/Heel: Full-on flashy face. Stable: Midnight Carnival (Leader) Tag Partner: When necessary, any Carnival member. Ring Escort: Ditto. Weapon: A microphone. Quote: "Come on down, the devil's in town!" "Hallelujah, b*tch!" “Step right up!” LOOKS: Quick reference: Tall and lanky, more wiry than a model of brute strength, Edwin MacPhisto bears quite a resemblance to Edge or Steven Richards physically: thin, but with a modestly-built upper body. He has a thin face with a prominent chin, clean-shaven of late. His hair, dyed red and occasionally highlighted with haphazard silver streaks for big matches, is puffy, loose, wavy, and oft unkempt. His left eye is green and his right eye yellow, and no one's really sure if it's natural or contacts. In the ring, he wears loose fitting pants, usually a pair of bright red and silver camouflage-style trousers. Up top he’ll wear a t-shirt or muscle shirt emblazoned with either a union jack or the logo of a band from the catalogue of classic British rock--Zeppelin, the Who, the Kinks, etc. He wears black boots--ladder laced Doc Martens--and often a pair of mirrored sunglasses, which are frequently tossed to adoring fans. The one article of clothing that absolutely defines the Mac Daddy, however, is his trademark sleeveless red vinyl trenchcoat, worn both to the ring and just about anywhere else this wanderer goes. Since he's currently the world and tag champion, he wears the World Title around his waist, and usually slings his Tag Title over one shoulder. RING ENTRANCE: The house lights drop out as the hovering, haunting beginning of “Battleflag” by the Lo-Fidelity All-Stars starts to float through the arena. The SmarkTron fires up, providing the only source of illumination in the form of grey silhouettes fading in and out, silhouettes of a man with his arms outstretched, a man holding a microphone, and a man leaning on a lamppost. A light beat drops in, and the voice of Edwin MacPhisto rises up from the back as he cuts his trademark pre-match promo, taunt, or wisecrack. (Insert Edwin mini-promo here) The music swells to a thick, bumping human beatbox beneath Edwin’s words, and a pair of blue spotlights begin to swing back and forth across the entrance way, moving like pendulums in sync with the beat. As Edwin finishes his speech, the music makes its final swell and the spotlights break off their pendulous paths and spiral out into the arena, completely symmetrical in their ripping arc until they come back to the entrance stage and meet, a stuttering drumbeat echoing as they collide and send forth a wall of sudden purple strobe lights. The vocals of “Battleflag” drop in, and streaks of red and gold pyro erupt from the entrance ramp, prompting red and gold disco lights to whirl around the arena as the SmarkTron shows highlights from Edwin’s career. The man himself steps out into the spectacle, World Heavyweight Title clasped around his waist, and Tag Title over his shoulder. He absorbs the audience’s applause, and then makes his way down to the ring, removing his coat, tossing it over the top rope, and sliding under the bottom rope to catch it on the other side. Edwin discards his accessories and takes his place in the ring, eagerly awaiting the start of the show. TAG/STABLE ENTRANCE: The arena lights fade into blackness as a soft female voice whispers, “Midnight Carnival.” The SmarkTron flashes blazing white in time with the opening beats of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Love Rollercoaster” as the Carnival’s anthem pumps through the arena, revealing with each flash thin black lettering that reads “Step Right Up.” As the guitar part drops in, three blue laser lights trace the arena, all stemming from the same point in the middle of the entrance ramp. As the words “rollercoaster of love” echo through the arena for the first time, the laser lights flare out into a blue haze across the entrance ramp as the members of the Midnight Carnival step out from behind the curtain. As the refrain arrives for the first time, the arena plunges back into darkness just as purple strobe lights tear through the house and the blue laser lights spiral wildly, illuminating the members of the Midnight Carnival in funky, staccato bursts. The SmarkTron video plays, flashing half-second clips of classic maneuvers from the Carnival’s members. They make their way to the ring, and get down to the business at hand. STATS ¯¯¯¯¯ Strength: 3 (Can handle hefting opponents his own weight or less well enough; struggles a bit when we pass 250 pounds) Speed: 6 (Oo, he’s exceptionally sprightly for his size, quite agile) Vitality: 4 (Can take a licking, but won’t keep on ticking all that long) Charisma: 7 (He’s the Crown Prince of Flash and Panache! Of course they love him. A serious fan favorite.) STYLE: Technical and flashy, with a fair share of striking attacks, grapples, and stylish innovations. He's coined it "logical impact." Focuses often on either the neck or the knee. SIGNATURE MOVES (Edwin’s ‘trademark’ moves and innovations) 1. Corkscrew brainbuster – often a setup for a finisher, especially the Union Jack. Usually not straight-drop; more of a suplex onto the head. 2. Dragon sleeper Russian legsweep – again, often a setup for a finisher, especially the Union Jack. 3. Shotei. Used very frequently and in varying strengths. Pelvic thrusting optional. 4. Delayed German suplex. 5. Springing sidekick – a straight-leg jumping sidekick (re: Booker T style). 6. Inverted DDT - primarily a fast counter out of suplexes and power moves. 7. “Love Rollercoaster” - spinebuster-into-powerbomb chain. Faster than it is strong. 8. “Midnight Special” - bulldog/facebuster combo. Edwin leaps for a bulldog, sitting out and bringing his knees under and into the falling opponent's face for a double impact. 9. “Cocktail O' Shame” - two brisk slaps, "bitch-slaps," if you will, one across each of the opponent's cheeks, followed by a graceful flourish and a final strike, ranging from a spear to a snap kick to a reverse elbow to whatever Edwin's feeling at the moment. Humiliation in three hits. 10. “Sound Check” – a desperation Roll-the-Dice (inverted facelock swinging neckbreaker). Fast and strong, usually floors both Edwin and the opponent, and is almost always either a counter or the desperate last grasp of a floundering MacPhisto. UNCOMMON MOVES (Edwin uses these just as often as the signature moves; they’re just not as fancy) 1. Dragon screw legwhip. Preferred takedown. 2. Double German suplex. 3. Half Boston crab submission. 4. Gamengiri/enzuigiri (jumping roundhouse kick to the face/back of head; Edwin often hits one, lands on his feet, then reverses direction and hits the other). 5. DDT. 6. Running dropkick (usually off the ropes). 7. Tope suicida. If Edwin’s going to exit the ring in style, this is often how it’s done. 8. Successive snap kicks to wear down the opponent, often targeting the knees/legs. 9. Hangman (neck snap over the ropes). 10. Slingshot legdrop from the apron into the ring. RARE MOVES (in descending order of rareness) 1. “Crown Prince Clutch” – a back-mounted dragon sleeper. Edwin doesn’t usually go for a submission win, but if it makes sense to, he’ll go to this. Occasional shouts of "Yeehaw, I'm a cowboy!" have occasionally been heard during the execution. 2. Dragon suplex. 3. Kip-up DDT – laying on his back, Edwin kips up, grabs a forward-bending opponent in a facelock, and slams him down with a DDT, all in one fluid motion. Takes about 2 seconds altogether and totally shocks the opponent. 4. “Air MacPhisto” – utterly devastating top-rope falcon arrow. It is a shockingly strong man who gets up from this one – generally, the people Edwin can manage to lift for it aren’t getting up. Employed most often on opponents who’ve scouted the Encore Cross well or somehow kicked out of it. 5. “The Encore Cross” - Edwin's simpler, original SWF finisher, still potent, but infrequent. After a year of prominence in the SWF, most of the fed has learned to counter it fairly easily. Edwin stands back to back with his opponent, hooks the arms, and then vaults forward, falling to his knees and bringing the opponent down on his neck/upper back with a spike backslide. Edwin bridges the backslide for the pin as the opponent crumples. Faster than the Union Jack, but not as lethal. FINISHERS Union Jack - The opponent is significantly dazed. Edwin takes him into a back-to-back arm hook, very similar to the Encore Cross...but instead of the usual vault forward, Edwin shoves his palms into the the target's underarms and tosses him up over his right shoulder, opponent's back facing down. Edwin spins 180 degrees as he holds the opponent ever-so-briefly in the Canadian backbreaker position, then takes two running steps forward and leaps. Edwin lands on his knees as he flips the victim straight down with an entirely unprotected powerbomb/piledriver, a nearly vertical bump on the back of the head/neck. Edwin ends on his knees as the opponent crumples. This is intended to look really cool, really nasty, and altogether only take about 5-10 seconds to complete--there's a lot of description, but it's actually pretty simple to visualize: back-to-back, Canadian backbreaker rack, rotate, running/jumping unprotected drop. The motions and transitions are all fluid. This will put you down for the 3-count, period. Spinal Tap – a tornado stunner. Identical to an Acid Drop, except ending in a stunner rather than a diamond cutter. Edwin’s “come out of nowhere” finishing maneuver, and useful on large opponents. NOTES: MacPhisto lives to entertain. He ALWAYS cuts a short promo over his entrance music. His mentality is generally carefree and whimsical, but he's taken on a progressively harder edge throughout his WF tenure. He's not above occasionally playing dirty if he needs to, especially if it'll help him put on what he thinks to be a better performance in the ring. One note: he really doesn't curse that much, unlike most of the other guys in the federation. In terms of fighting style, Edwin wrestles with flash and panache. He is relatively well-rounded and quite agile for someone of his size, but it's not too often that he's the strongest or best-conditioned man in the ring. Edwin thus relies more on his speed, innovation, and the magic of gravity to get him through his matches, as many of his maneuvers require little input for a whole lot of impact on the output side. As for his proficiencies: MacPhisto is a powerful striker. His assortment of palm strikes and kicks are examples of him exploiting his speed and focusing what strength he has, and if he can lure an opponent into a striking duel, chances are he'll come out on top. A common misconception: the Mac Daddy is a showman, but not a suicidal bump machine; he's intelligent and experienced enough to put on a spectacle without killing himself in the process. BIO: The Crown Prince of Flash and Panache came to IGN to spice things up and put on a show, and he's done just that. Rising to the occasion early in his ML career, stylish Edwin became Western US Champion in just his third match and went on to notch an 8-1 minor league record, along the way befriending the King of Hearts and Spark and founding the Midnight Carnival. Although passed over in the official talent bump, MacPhisto came to the WF at From the Fire as a surprise member of Jayson Grant's newest Corporation, selling out and arriving just in time to falcon arrow Fallout into little pieces and steal a win for his new Corporate master. Alongside Bobby Riley, MacPhisto raised bloody hell, until the controlling, hateful desires of his Corporate stablemates became too much to bear. Seeking independence and self-understanding, MacPhisto broke from the Corporation, effectively dissolving it as he went about his way, and soon found himself in opposition to Evil, Inc., Stubby P. McWeed, and his old nemesis, Fallout, as he made his way into the main-event scene and back into the arms of his funky, flashy, fan-favorite roots, the Midnight Carnival. At the Snake Eyes PPV, Edwin won the NY title, his first piece of WF gold, a fine championship that he promptly renamed the UK belt, representing Britain (among other things). Around this time, the Carnival started to get into an antagonistic relationship with Chris Wilson and friends, and a sort of rivalry of wits between Wilson and Edwin continues to this day. After defending the belt in the first ever “Stairway to Panda” match, he went on to the Ground Zero PPV, where Grimedogg rocked his world and took the belt away. Edwin, voracious sucker that he is, kept on trucking, and went on to Apocalypse, where he won the ICTV title away from Axis and Xstasy after a truly brutal elimination match. Shortly thereafter, Edwin lost the belt to Chris Storm in his first title defense, following some nasty interference involving a dark man named Grahf and a piledriver onto a steel chair. At Genesis II, Edwin confronted Grahf, and for his troubles received a heavily smashed up knee that put him out of commission for nearly two months. Edwin returned, but found himself once more plagued by injuries, suffering some severe neck trauma at the conclusion of a feud with the treacherous Suicide King. Edwin finally healed up to make his return at the No Sells Christmas! PPV, winning the tag titles alongside Mark Stevens and convincing El Luchador Magnifico to join the Carnival. Soon after Clusterf**k 2002, the Clan and the Carnival came into quite a complicated conflict of interests, and the Clan captured the tag titles, leaving Edwin sour. However, at this year’s From the Fire, Edwin got a slice of revenge, capturing his second ICTV championship from the hands of Thoth. After finishing out the heated program with the Clan, Edwin found himself the target of Sacred’s antagonism, as the Aussie attempted to hijack “Love Rollercoaster” from the Carnival. Edwin proudly defended the music and the belt. Shortly thereafter Deputy Commissioner Johnny Rotten enlisted with the Carnival on a common ground of hatred for Commissioner Stubby P. McWeed, and he used his commissionary position to restore the contract of Chris Raynor! A nagging neck injury began to wear Edwin down and was one of the chief causes of his ICTV title loss to Thoth, but Commissioner McWeed continued to slight the Carnival, denying Mark Stevens matches and forcing Edwin to wrestle on a bad neck. After a series of retaliatory pranks and harassments, Stubby became fed up and enlisted a complex contract clause to let the Suicide King book a retirement match between Edwin and Mark Stevens, a match that, after tremendous emotion and high levels of trickery from King himself, Edwin won. Mark Stevens was forced to retire, leaving the Carnival at four enlisted. Shortly thereafter, Edwin entered a program with the Hville Thugg and Perfect Bo, and at Crossfire 2002, he won his first SWF World Heavyweight Title. Of course, with the return of Chris Wilson, things heated up. Edwin successfully defend his title at Snake Eyes 2002, but his Midnight Carnival came into opposition with Wilson's newly formed Magnificent Seven. July was all-out war between the two stables. Along the way Edwin started a second tag title reign, this time with Chris Raynor...but now he faces some of the biggest challenges of his career. Meanwhile, other tensions boil beneath the surface, and Edwin MacPhisto is on edge and more aggressive than ever. But, as always, the Mac Daddy’s got a few tricks up his sleeves… -------------------- So yeah, that's Edwin. Bizarre, speech full of non-sequiters, arch-enemy of Suicide King after the then-King of Hearts turned his back on the Midnight Carnival. Had exceptionally memorable programs with Chris Raynor and Silent/Nathaniel Kibagami where he got rather 'grittier'. Expect him to prank King (perhaps in quite a juvenile way), weird him out with odd speech and argue with him over anything and everything. Here's an example of him on commentary during Blazenwing vs Blazenwing at Ramadomination.

Aw Bruce, you mean you haven't read our epic lightsaber duel using telescopes? (disclaimer: J3 argued against putting that in, Raynor argued for it. So blame Raynor) I skimmed the show this morning. Gonna go back and re-read it now.

Yeah, like the weekend. "Hello, is that Mr. Brooks?" "...yes." "How has your weekend been so far, sir?" "Rapidly getting worse." *click*

Don't knock Hardcore Amy. It could be big. ...don't take that any further now.

WHOAH! A regular Hardcore match? Christ, you people are getting INSANE! I love hardcore. And now I have a character who loves hardcore too

Try this handy guide

I dunno about waiting for it, but I was hoping to avoid it if that's any good.

Simple: we send EVERYTHING to Raynor, and leave him to distribute it/mark it at his pleasure.

You mean other countries apart from mine actually SHOW EastEnders? Why?