Hoff

Would rock...WILL rock...it's all good. Phenom, not to sound like a support group, but that was great. Better than SOME people...and you KNOW who you are...bitches....

Err, the shit, not the cow...that'd just be weird.

At first glance, I thought the cow was ice cream. Phenom, you don't HAVE to do anything, but I'm sure you could muster out one sentence on a few segments a week if you tried. We'd like to hear your take on it (I speak for the group now).

Oh, SNAP, Papa. That's my favorite logo yet. Nicely, nicely done.

Try to burn down Hardcore Discussion. Ryan Smith...pfft.

Side note: Patty lets you put it anywhere.

Rob, NO! That's the line.

That's more true than you'd like to believe.

If by feedback you mean wee-- OH! You were being clever, like that one thread.

OMG FEEDBACK IS TEH GATEWAY DRUG~!

Apologies are irrelevant. You will be assimilated.

Actually this one time.....never mind.

You seem to be a decent human being. That's enough for me.

There were, in the end, I believe EIGHT matches on the show. Wow. It's a good thing efeds don't have timeslots or we'd be in trouble. Good show this week, everyone's writing was strong. - So both CCB and NYU sent me opening segments, featuring Josie...so I had to hybrid them into one. Hope it came off well...I think it did. Okay, so tell me, what the hell is a "sarong?" I'm lost. I loved the opening performance, though, it really helped the show feel "big." So yay! - So why would JR wear a bikini? And DON'T SAY BECAUSE OF THE THEME. I'll kill you if you do. Great story told here, with the teamwork (and heel tactics) of BT being too much for the powerful, and resillient, Hitmen. This again showed why Black T are the BEST. - I genuinely don't know what to think of Warren Peace. This match was hot for a bit, but the end seemed abrupt, a little disjointed. It put the DoC over very nicely, though. - Zack. Girls have two X chromosomes. Guys have one of each, an X and a Y. This wouldn't bother me nearly as much if I hadn't referenced it in a match a while back. You've disappointed me. I think I may quit. That said, good promo, with Josie outsmarting the Original Elite. - The 70s Dude is a DICK! Nice, with the borderline racism there. I mean, hey, some people are racist in real life. Hell, maybe Frig is. But it was a good heel move, and I liked it. - Honestly, I had no idea what to make of the Mad Cappa videocam bit. Maybe I missed something with Rusco that happened before I got here...maybe I'm just stupid. But I was confused. - For some reason, I really thought the Saints were going over here. Logan Mann has a good look, a good name, and a good ability to wrestle, and he could BE something as a singles guy...soon, too. That's my prognosis, anyway. Is this a subtle heel turn I see? Hmm. Anyway, hot little match, a lot of back-and-forth, and a WILD ending. But...I mean, who's the faces and heels here? And if the answer is "no one" that's great, I love shades of grey, but it's hard to get behind either team a little bit. I'm a Saints mark, so I'm cheering for them, but not for any reason per se. - Axel is INTENSE with his love! I smiled at this promo. - The Climax ad was GREAT. The match was cute, and Adam wrote Jumbo very well. Nicely done. - Patty, once again: sufficiently disturbing. If Alix was real she's the kind of girl I'd hang out with. In fact, thinking of that reminds me of my friend Dena. Also, sufficiently disturbing. I loved this. - Fun women's match...a little Russo, but fun. - Panther and PR are PISSED!! I...dunno what else to say. Except poor Thomas Rodriguez. - Good segment between Axel and Cappa in the back, playing on Crystal not completely on the same page as Axel. - GOD I miss Janetty. He makes vanilla look like chocolate. Hard to believe this guy is a coked-out partyer. This was actually a very good, fun match. I am impressed with Mr. Adam out there. - VERY entertaining NNMX/Holly promo. Better than Springer. - I like how Cappa covers for his not wanting commentators. Very clever. Cappa's been on fire as of late, and I hope he gets his due someday before too long. He deserves at the very least a TRUE main event program. - Good Dude/Josie bit, referencing past legends. Glad to see Brock Ausstin not forgotten, as well. - Adam done good with his storyline, that's all I'm gonna say. - I like the dynamic between Axel and Josie a lot. Could lead to interesting storylines. - There is no way Blood on the Dance Floor is physically possible. No frickin' way. Anyway, a sufficiently vicious match here; Patty, despite his own assumptions, has not lost his touch. Very hot finish as well, and the Candie commentary was a nice touch. - I'm too tired to get into the insane main event, but NYU knows how I feel. It was great. So yeah, all in all a very good show with great writing from everyone. w00t.

Remember, you can do BACKSTAGE and INTERNET EXCLUSIVES as well, although I personally wouldn't make a habit of it.

Bitchin', I'm there. Here it's almost exclusively highschool kids, although it's GREAT on weekdays...there's a bar as well, so it's mostly 20-30 year olds.

Not I, said the fly.

When I read it this morning I was dying.

We have that, it's called Cosmic Bowling around here. It's a weekend thing, Friday and Saturday nights...maybe Sundays. Anyway, it's okay once in a while, but my 23-year-old old man soul can't take all the teens. It's not that they're loud, it's that they won't shut up...if you feel me. I have edited in the P.R. segments, so look for those. And this is something I want to say to the whole group: if you've got a small seg to be edited in later, fine. But if you have an entire match AND another promo, please at least let me know to make room, because it's a bitch to go into a show that you took the time to work out as far as formatting and plug that much stuff in. Gracias.

From moi: Hoff will not be in the building. He has returned early to his Minneapolis residence. There'll be a special taped segment from the lovely city, from Hoff's home. Remember when Bret and Shawn went back to Calgary and San Antonio, respectively, before WM XII? Like those segments. Kinda. You'll see. Also, as announced by the lovely Josie Baker, The Happy Couple vs. Chris Stevens and The Mad Cappa. Stevens' shenanigans will be addressed by the GM herself.

I'm leaving for crazy Thursday night bowling in a bit, but I'll edit it in later; PM it to me, or just ask another mod.

© 2005 OAOAST Enterprises/HeldDOWN~! Entertainment, Inc. CREDITS: Ken NYU Adam Adam myself Tony Patty Eski Zack Cappa TARDY TO CLASS: MST3K Phenom

-THE FANS IN COCOA BEACH ARE GOING ABSOLUTELY INSANE as the OAOAST presents HeldDOWN! BEACH BLANKET BONANZA!! LIVE from Cocoa Beach, Florida! Numerous signs are shown, many reading such intelligent comments as "DREK STONE IS GHEY! LOL!!!" and "I'M DRUNK!!" *click click click click* -THE FANS GO MANGO!! and sing along with the completely off spanish counting. "UNOS" "DOS" "TRES" "CATORCE!!!" CUE: "Vertigo" by U2 COLE And we're starting off the night with the lovely Josie Baker, guys!! COACH STOKE!!! -As soon as Bono says "Hello Hellllo", Josie steps out from behind the curtain, causing the fans to pop even more. She wears a purple bikini and pink sarong, and DAMN does she look hot. Josie smiles wide as she looks around at all the fans, a cigarette hanging loosely from her mouth. She takes it out as the music dies down. The fans cheers do not. CROWD "JO-SIE! JO-SIE! JO-SIE!" -This gets a laugh from the General Manager, who shakes her head slightly. JOSIE "You're too kind. Honestly, you are....All right, Ladies and Gentlemen, WELCOME TO HELDDOWN!!" -The fans erupt once again as Josie runs her hand through her hair, a smile plastered on her face. JOSIE "Well, everyone...I have one HELLUVA treat for you. Because I LOVE this place SOOOO much, I decided to give you, the people of Cocoa Beach, a ONE-TIME ONLY appearance. I made some calls...I wrote some e-mails...and fans?...I got one of the hottest bands in the world to come here and play FOR YOU!" COLE Evan and Jaron?! COACH/CABOOSE What?! JOSIE "SO!...without any further ado...all the way from London, England...my boys...Pete Doherty, Carl Barat, John Hassal and Gary Powell....THE LIBERTINES -THE CHEERS ARE OFF THE CHARTS as the opening notes to "I Get Along" are heard. In the middle of the ring stand the four members of the band, all wearing red British officer jackets. The notes turn to heavily distorted chords, and the lights start flashing red and blue... CARL "YOU CAUGHT ME IN THE MIDDLE dazed on the carpet I was following the lines that move like more snakes sayin' something ain't quite right... you got the devil on yer side standin' to your right, c'moooooon... You caught me in the middle dazed and confused I was followin' a good step fancy free and footlose sayin' somethin' ain't quite right... you got the devil on yer side standin' to your right, c'mooooon...oh c'mooon" CARL/PETE "I get aloong..." CARL "I get along." CARL/PETE "I get alooong" CARL "I get along...get along." PETE/JOHN/GARY "GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG!" CARL "IT'S COMIN' OUT MY EARS SO BABY HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO Four for you five for him SIX FOR THEM LET ME SEE NOW If you get them on your side You'll have a good time, c'mooon." CARL/PETE "I get aloong..." CARL "I get along." CARL/PETE "I get alooong" CARL "I get along...get along." -The guitar slightly slows down... CARL "I get along Just singin' my song People tell me I'm wrooooong..." -Guitar speeds up again and stops abruptly. CARL "FUCK 'EM!!" -Guitar picks up again. PETE/GARY/JOHN "GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG" CARL "IT'S COMIN' OUT MY EARS SO BABY HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO FOURFORYOUFIVEFORTHEMSIXFORTHEMLETMESEENOW! YOU GOT THE DEVIL ON YOUR SIDE YOU'LL HAVE A GOOD TIME, C'MOOOOOOON!!" -Carl and Pete begin their dualing guitars solo as the light go into strobe mode. The dual ends, and the guitars slightly die down. CARL "Iiii get along... I get along... Iiii get along... I get along AND WHAT I DO I SING" EVERYONE "GET ALONG GET ALONGGET ALONG GET ALONGGET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG GET ALONG!!" -As the last chord is hit, Carl kicks over the microphone stands and takes off his guitar. The fans go completely insane as The Libertines wave and exit the ring. "YOU MAKE ME WANNA LA LA!" AND HELDDOWN HAS OFFICIALLY STARTED!! HeldDOWN is presented by OAOAST Entertainment. *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^* OAOAST HeldDOWN~! We hear LaLa and now’s a good time for ME to point out that I never liked that song. Could a change be in store? Whoops, no time to think about that, here comes the LOGO... WHOOSH~ it goes!! Fireworks set off as we cut to the live crowd!! COLE Fans, welcome to HeldDOWN!! COACH The tower of power! Too sweet to be sour! CABOOSE You get paid by the hour? COLE Folks, that was the Libertines you just heard, and our lovely General Manager had made her way from the stage to the ring!! The shot cuts to Josie Baker, GM extraordinaire, who has lit another cig in the ring. “JOSIE!” “JOSIE!” “JOSIE!” JOSIE Well, here we are. LIVE! RIGHT HERE! IN COCOA BEACH! “YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!” JOSIE You like that, huh? COCOA BEACH!! “YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!” JOSIE COCOA BEACH!! “YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!” JOSIE COCOA BEACH!! “YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!” JOSIE COCOA B-- “YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA……..what?!” JOSIE Ha! Knew you all would fall for that! Anyway guys, I’m not out here to waste your time. We have some awesome action to get to tonight. Tina taking on Ms. Lindsday Gonzalez! The Global Party Exchange going against the Saints! Black T fighting against Hell’s Hitmen! The crowd starts to cheer, but it’s clear Josie isn’t quite finished yet. JOSIE And something specially made just for tonight. My own personal creation. You see, when I agreed to become the General Manager of HeldDown, I wasn’t planning on making these shows as normal as they’ve always been. I mean, normal is good and all. But it isn’t quite what I want. I have a special vision for this show. Every day, I’m thinking up NEW and EXCITING ideas for HeldDown -- and, dammit, I don’t even care if they’re good ideas! I’m doing it all for you. Well, folks, my mind suddenly came up with something amazing. Something I think all of you folks here at Cocoa Beach… “YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” JOSIE Right. I knew that was coming. Something I think all of you are going to enjoy. Because tonight, you all will be seeing something I like to call…. “The Run for the Gold!” COACH Run for the Gold? CABOOSE I don’t like the sound of this. JOSIE Yes. The Run for the Gold. Wait till you hear this. Basically, I will be making a certain champion tonight put their title on the line. But this isn’t just an ordinary match. Oh, no. Here’s how the rules go. Taking a pause, Josie pulls a cigarette out of her pocket and lights it up. The fans pop noticeably as Josie takes a deep inhalation of her beloved nicotine before continuing. COLE Why, those are cancer sticks! Hasn’t Josie seen those Truth commercials?! Oh my god! She is SOOOOOOOO hardcore! CABOOSE …… JOSIE We are going to be taking this champion’s title belt and simply placing it in the center of the ring. But there’s more to it than that! The champion, along with the three opponents I have hand-picked for him tonight, are going to be forced to line up OUTSIDE the fitness center, all the way across the street. Once they’re all there, the referee will shoot his gun off and the match will begin. The four superstars are then going to have to sprint to reach this important championship! First through the streets! Then into the fitness center! Then along the beach! Finally, they’ll get to the ring! And the first person to reach the ring and grab the title belt will become a NEWWWWW OAOAST Champion! COLE Wow! That really DOES sound like an entertaining idea! CABOOSE Entertaining? Is that Mexicole for “retarded”? JOSIE Oh blokes, I forgot to mention. This match is going to be for the OAOAST HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! CABOOSE WHAT?! SHE HAS TO BE KIDDING!! COACH WHOA! This match just got a little more interesting! JOSIE Yes! Drek Stone will be defending his Heavyweight Title tonight in this amazingly prestigious gimmick match. Against who, you might ask? Well, first off, an inspiring hero to you and I. SHE has proven over the past few weeks that she deserves a real opportunity to improve her rank in the OAOAST, and dammit, tonight I’m going to give it to her. Part of the beloved Chicks Over Dicks, and a co-holder of the OAOAST Tag Team titles, the first competitor tonight will be…..ALIX! “YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!” JOSIE But that’s not it. Second, I have to admit that I have felt some kind of remorse for some superstar over the past few weeks. I feel the media has harshly ostracized him for his past, and I think it’s time the guy just gets a break. Well, I hope he looks upon tonight’s decision favorably. Our second competitor here…..the OAOAST X-Division Champion! LEON RODEZ! “YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!” JOSIE And finally, the third spot goes out to someone who has become an expert at whining over the past few months. But I have to admit, he has had a proven record against Drek Stone throughout 2004. In fact, if I remember correctly, he beat him more than any other superstar beat Drek throughout the entire year. Well, I don’t ignore stuff like that. Watts might hate this guy -- and I’m not a big fan of him either -- but I can recognize an accomplishment when I see it. MAD CAPPA….you’re in this thing too! “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” JOSIE And that’s it, folks! I’m tired of typing right now…. COLE TALKING! TALKING! COACH OMGZ BREAKING KAYFABE~! JOSIE Right. Talking. I’m tired of talking, and I think it’s time the OAOAST superstars do the talking for themelves!

COLE And now we’ve come to our Heavyweight Title matchup here tonight. CABOOSE This….this is absurd, Cole. I can not be the only one here to realize that. COACH Absurdly amazing! CABOOSE Er….no. COLE Well, no matter if you feel it’s absurd or not, General Manager Josie still decided to make the matchup anyway. And with the signing-up process now complete, it looks like Drek Stone is going to have three opponents here. Three opponents running for the gold! COACH Josie explained the rules before, but just in case you were watching Pimp My Ride…. COLE I LUUUUUUUUV that show, s0n! COACH Let’s go over the rules once more. Drek Stone, Leon Rodez, The Mad Cappa, and Alix will all be lining up across the steet from the arena. They are going to be making their way through the streets. Through the fitness center. Through these entrance curtains onto the beach. And finally to the ring. Waiting inside the ring is the OAOAST Heavyweight Title. Whoever grabs that championship first claims it as their own. This is going to be huge! CABOOSE The injustices just keep on piling up for Drek Stone. I don’t recall ANY other superstar having to defend their title under such idiotic circumstances. I just cannot understand it. COACH Entertainment usually IS a difficult concept for you to understand anyway….. COLE BUUUUUUUUUURN~! CABOOSE Right. COLE Anyway, we’ve got a camera waiting outside the arena to broadcast television history. The FIRST-EVER OAOAST “Run For The Gold” competition! Let’s get to it! The camera cuts away to the outside of the arena, where Alix, Leon Rodez, and The Mad Cappa are all standing in position. While Alix has dressed for the occasion in a floruescent orange bikini and a baby-blue sarong, and Leon Rodez has taken the time to pick out banana-yellow swim shorts, The Mad Cappa has simply decided to wrestle in his normal ring attire. However, missing from this casual beach party is one individual. One important individual. One person that is absolutely essential for this match to even start. YO~! YO~! YO~! WOKE UP DIS MORNIN…. GOT YOSELF A GUN…. POPPED A CAP IN DAT MOTHA’S ASS…. TOOK HIS WALLET AND RUN!! OAOAST Heavyweight Champion Drek Stone walks up to his three opponents, accompanied by two street rappers behind him. Drek, with a dreadfully frustrated look on his face, tries to shoo away the two rappers, but they only continue to sing behind them. SHE SAID YOU ONE IN A MILLION… DREK Guys… IT BE TIME FOR YOU TO SHINE… DREK Please stop. BUT YOU GOTTA PASS THE HO‘S.… DREK No more. THE BLUNTS AND THE MOONSHI-I-INE! DREK THAT’S IT! THAT’S IT! GET OUT OF HERE! The rap quickly stops as the two men drop their microphones and stare down this unhip Italian stereotype. RAPPER #1 Yo, man. Josie paid us to rap for you tonight. You want it over? Fine. RAPPER #2 We best be getting paid, still. The two rappers finally leave as Drek shakes his head unbelievably and looks at his three opponents. CABOOSE I can’t believe Josie would force Drek Stone to go through something so degrading. COACH I was feeling that, dawg. Drek’s song needed a change anyway. With the pre-match shenanigans out of the way, the four combatants finally line up to get this thing started. And away we go. *BANG~!* With the sound of the starting gun going off, two Cocoa Beach inhabitants immediately drop down to the ground. Yet, they find themselves only more confused as they walk Drek Stone, Leon Rodez, The Mad Cappa, and Alix start sprinting for the arena. Cappa, looking to get an advantage as quickly as possible, stops short and sticks his leg out, causing Alix to trip over him and fall to the ground. CABOOSE HA! With a laugh, Cappa starts running ahead, making asure to stare back at Alix. However, this time, Rodez sticks HIS leg out, tripping Cappa in exactly the same way he did to Alix before. Rodez tries to sprint forward, but sure enough, he winds up getting tripped by Drek Stone. With all three of his competitors down, Drek has already wound up with the early advantage. CABOOSE There we go! Even in the mean, rumbling streets of Cocoa Beach, Drek Stone is always thinking! As Drek starts sprinting forward, he suddenly realizes that running is for suckers. Seeing someone ride nearby him on a mountain bike, Drek stops the person quickly for a brief conversation. DREK Yo, man. Let me borrow your bike. BIKE RIDER No! Get your own! DREK …….WHAT?! Get the hell off that bike! Despite the bicyclist’s defiant stand, Drek simply places a hand on the biker’s face and shoves him off the bike. With the rider tumbling off the bicycle, it’s easy pickings for Drek Stone to get on and ride away. COLE Oh, that’s terrible! A few seconds in, and Drek Stone has already broken a law! CABOOSE Oh, Cole, please. He shouldn’t have even had to ask to use the damned bike. COACH If Drek is able to stay on that thing, this one could be over before it started. However, that’s definitely easier said than done. The biker, clearly disgraced over being shoved off his bike so easily, picks up a rock and HURLS it at the Heavyweight Champion. The rock hits Drek Stone square at the back of the head, sending him careening off the bike and onto the cement street. CABOOSE WHAT?! HOW DARE HE! COACH Such vivid imagery! As Drek rolls around on the ground, stunned that someone would have the audacity to do such a thing, Alix runs forward and tries lifting up the bike for her own use. But, once again, the bike rider tries to stop this law violation. BIKE RIDER Won’t you all just stop trying to steal my bike?! With a sigh and a shrug of her shoulders, Alix steps back and takes off her bikini top for a moment. BIKE RIDER OMGZ WAT ARE THOZE BUMPSS ON UR CHEST?!?! ALIX Breasts. BIKE RIDER WOWZ!!!11 U CAN TAKE THE BIKE NOW, LADY~! As the bike rider drops down on the ground to take care of his business, Alix picks the bike up and immediately starts riding away with it. The fans standing around the streets rise up in a solid cheer as Alix rides off with the early advantage. COACH Here we go! We could be minutes away from seeing Alix win the Heavyweight Championship! COLE …..what the hell WERE those bumps on her chest? I’m really afraid Alix might have two serious tumors, guys. CABOOSE Idiot. As Alix speeds away to the arena, she suddenly gets knocked over by a car plowing right into her. COLE This is total madness! COACH Why don’t they just walk to the fitness center?! It’s not even that far away! The force of the car sends Alix right off the bike and rolling along the street. When she gets back up, she merely tosses the bicycle off to the side and goes to confront the person who just ran her down. She yanks open the car door and screams as her assailant is shown to be…. COLE GALLAGHER?! CABOOSE Oh boy, all the big stars are coming out tonight…. As Alix stands before this washed-up comedian in absolute shock, Cappa moves over to the backseat of Gallagher’s car and hurls open the door. While Alix attempts to get out her autograph book quickly, Cappa muscles a watermelon out of the automobile. He then runs forward and smashes the massive fruit over the head of the starstruck Tag Champion. “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” COACH WATERMELON?! WHY, I NEVER!! COLE Who would have thought there would be a watermelon in Gallagher’s car?! ANYTHING can happen in the OAOAST! As Alix rolls around, covered in a sticky mess of melon and black seeds, Cappa tries making a run for the fitness center. But after his first few steps, Leon Rodez lunges out of nowhere and gives The Mad Cappa a hard shove. The force of the push sends Cappa uncontrollably falling into a collection of garbage cans strewn along the side of the curb. *CRASH~!* The sound of crunching aluminum is the only thing that can be heard as Cappa knocks down the entire collection of garbage bins. Almost as if he was picking up the nearly impossible 7-10 split. Not wanting to ease up on his hated rival, Rodez quickly grabs a garbage can lid and moves over to his opponent. As Cappa struggles to get up, Rodez lifts up the lid and… *CRASH~!* …BANGS it off the head of the Mad Cappa! Cappa starts staggering around a little as Rodez lifts up the lid again and…. *CRASH~!* ….DRILLS it off the side of the head of The Mad Cappa once again! As Cappa goes falling back into the garbage cans, Rodez drops the lid and tries walking towards the fitness center. Yet, before he can get there, the X-Champion finds himself surrounded by mob of fans that weren’t there only a second ago. RODEZ Guys, guys. I gotta finish this match. No autographs now. Later. One older woman, with her wistful grey hair up in a bun, steps out from the crowd and confronts Rodez face-to-face. WOMAN AUTOGRAPH?! Oh no, Leon Rodez. We’re here to confront you about that awful video just discovered! MOB BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Rodez looks around the mob with wide-eyes as a middle-aged, balding, 30-something-year-old man steps out of the crowd and hurls a banana at the disgraced superstar. MAN Why not use that in front of all of us right now?! SICKO! MOB YEAHHHHHH! SICKO! SICKO! SICKO! This time, another male figure -- this one dressed in a priest’s robe -- steps out of the crowd and solemnly asks for the mob to quiet down. As the crowd starts to lower their voices, the priest grabs a firm hold of Rodez’s hand and looks into his eyes. Rodez smiles a little, comforted in the idea that there could be someone there who finally understands him. PRIEST Son, Austin 3:16 might whoop your ass……but John 3:16 will save your ass! As it says in verse 7, line 16.…..And the Lord said to John…..THOU SHALT NOT VIOLATE THYSELF WITH A BANANA!!! MOB YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! With even the priest himself mocking Leon Rodez, the mob once again starts to bark insults at the X-Champion. PRIEST MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS…….SIN AND IMMORALITY WILL DO A…. MOB J-O-B… PRIEST TO….. MOB G-O-D!!! PRIEST YESSSSSS!!!! MOB J-O-B to G-O-D!! J-O-B to G-O-D!! As this gathering of right-wing zealots continue to scream at Leon Rodez, the camera catches a glimpse of Drek Stone confronting a young three-year-old happily manuevering a tricycle along the sidewalk. The Heavyweight Champion, without a moment’s hesitation, pushes the child off the trike and grabs it for himself. Although the box says the tricycle may be for ages 7 and under, Drek Stone absolutely refuses to allow himself to be contained by the conformities of society. CABOOSE YES, DREK! FIGHT THE POWER! COACH This match just keeps getting worse and worse. Drek tries pedaling along with the tricycle but, shockingly enough, finds that he’s not moving too quickly. That point is only reinforced as he walks an elderly couple pass by him with accompanying canes and walkers. He winds up feeling further shamed as a Rascal scooter zips by him, moving a swift 10-miles-per-hour. Getting frustrated with his lack of progress, Drek picks the tricycle up and hurls it at the Bible-Thumpers group. The crowd parts like the Red Sea as the trike sails past them and breaks through the back window of Gallagher’s car. *CRASH~!* COACH Hmm. COLE Well, that’s going to cost Drek Stone a pretty penny. CABOOSE I guess. Even I have to admit it’s not cool to vandalize someone’s house like that. With that out of the way, Drek finally takes this opportunity to sprint towards the fitness center. He manages to push himself through the double doors and step into the building! COACH Imagine! What a novel concept! Actually running to the fitness center! COLE Well, to be honest, who’s smart enough to think of that? Drek tries jogging past the front desk, but it turns out Alix was actually waiting for him behind the double doors. As Drek enters the room, she runs at him with a clothesline -- BRINGING THE TWO OF THEM OVER THE FRONT DESK AND ONTO THE FLOOR! “YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Everyone working out in the fitness center immediately stop and break out in a rabid cheer for their female hero. Alix gets up first off the floor first and starts laying in a series of stomps to the Heavyweight Champion. CABOOSE I don’t understand this. Why don’t these guys just forget about beating up the opponent and just sprint for the title? COACH Well, we wouldn’t really have much of a match then, would we? Drek tries crawling on the floor to get away from the assault, but Alix isn’t letting up. She yanks Drek Stone up off the ground by his hair and begins pulling him into the weight room. One particular obese men steps off a weight bench and tries waddling away as quickly as possible. Everyone in the room scatters as Alix picks Drek up -- and BODYSLAMS him onto that newly evacuated weight bench! Drek, nursing his back, rolls over onto his chest. As soon as he does so, Alix grabs him by his hair and picks his head up slightly off the bench. CABOOSE Oh no…..oh no! She wouldn’t! COACH She might! CABOOSE She couldn’t! COACH SHE IS! ALIX WIPES DREK’S FACE INTO THE FAT GUY’S ASS SWEAT! CABOOSE Oh god! That is DISGUSTING! Drek immediately rolls off the bench to the ground, and starts clawing at his face to get the revolting scent away from his nostrils. The fans quite clearly love Alix pulling off such a disgusting act, as they break out in another chant for her. “ALIX!” “ALIX!” “ALIX!” As Alix looks down at her fallen opponent, she suddenly finds herself being brought down by a Leon Rodez bulldog! The people in the weight room cheer once more as Alix hits the ground face-first and rolls over onto her back. Rodez, without wasting a moment’s time, moves over to the military press machine and scales up to a standable level. With the inhabitants of Cocoa Beach rooting him on, Rodez points to them for a moment…. ….AND JUMPS OFF THE MILITARY PRESS MACHINE, HITTING ALIX WITH BECAUSE THE LADY LOVES!! COLE What a move! Rodez might have just taken Alix out of this prestigious matchup! CABOOSE Prestigious isn’t the word for it. As Rodez starts getting off the ground on his knees, an overweight soccer mom runs forward and hits him in the head with a Bible. The force of the shot sends Rodez staggering off-balance. LADY CAST ASIDE NEEDLESS SEX, MR RODEZ! With fire in her eyes, the woman starts charging at the X-Champion with the Bible in her hands. LADY THE LORD NEEDS TO TEACH YOU ABOUT PEACE!! As she charges at Leon Rodez like a distraught buffalo, he easily steps aside, allowing her to go crashing into a wall. As Rodez turns around, he suddenly finds a 10-pound bench press weight whisking near his head. Rodez DUCKS at the last moment, quick enough by merely a second to watch the weight make a noticeable dent in the fitness center’s wall. COLE Whoa! Rodez pops right back up to his feet, to see who was responsible for such a despicable thing. There, he sees The Mad Cappa standing near the entranceway with a wide selection of weights at his disposal. This time, Cappa quickly picks up a 5-pound weight and hurls it at the inspiring OAOAST Porn Star. Rodez, with a deep breath, drops to his knee and somersaults forward out of the way. As he pops back up to his feet, he suddenly gets a kick to the stomach from Drek Stone. Drek then grabs him in a front-facelock position….JUMPS UP….. ….AND SPIKES HIM INTO THE CALF PRESS MACHINE WITH A STONECUTTER!! CABOOSE Stonecutter! YES! It doesn’t matter WHERE he does it! Fatal, each time! Immediately after Drek hits the move, he gets up to his feet and finds himself face-to-face with The Mad Cappa! COLE Here we go! Drek Stone and The Mad Cappa, face-to-face! COACH But Mikey, the circumstances are a little different than they were a few months ago. Now, BOTH guys are heels! CABOOSE Heels? FLAIR THE NAITCHA BOY SAYS STOP USING INSIDER TERMS!! WOOOOOOO!!! *CHOP!* Drek Stone and The Mad Cappa start shoving each other as the surrounding sweaty crowd continues to cheer them on. Finally, Drek comes in with the first punch -- a hard shot to the right temple of The Mad Cappa! Cappa reels back for a moment but then comes shooting back with his own shot! The Mad Cappa and Drek Stone then start exchanging punches in the middle of the weight room as the fans continue to only get more rabid! *BAM!* *BAM!* *BAM!* *BAM!* Drek and Cappa continue to beat upon each other unmercifully until they both wind up breaking through the double doors on the side. The camera follows them as the two arch rivals find themselves in the aerobic room, surrounded by treadmills, stair climbers, and power bicycles. After a continued fistfight, Drek finally manages to get the advantage. He then forcefully grabs Cappa by his right-arm and gives him a hard irish-whip. The Mad Cappa goes sailing into the wooden horse (you know, the things gymnasts jump over)! The crowd groans as Cappa hits the horse chest first and flips over it, landing on the TOP OF HIS HEAD! COACH OHHHH!!! COLE Ouch! Well, I guess that answered the question if things have patched up between these two. CABOOSE Who would ask such a dumb question anyway?! Drek moves over and begins stomping The Mad Cappa -- but stops when he hears some particularly disturbing footage. COACH THE MAD CAPPA DID IT!! HE DID IT!! CABOOSE I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!! THIS IS DISGUSTING!! BUFFER Your winner…. CABOOSE Ugh. Don’t say it…. BUFFER …..AND NEEEEEEEEEW OAOAST ITALIAN CHAMPION……….. CABOOSE I can’t listen to this….. BUFFER THEEEEEEEEEEEE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAD CAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPA!!!! With rage in his eyes, Drek shoots his head up and spots a television monitor standing before him, hanging from the ceiling. He looks to his left and finds another television. Looking to his right, he finds ANOTHER television. And all of these televisions are playing the exact same thing: COACH You remember this well, don’t you Boose? CABOOSE Ugh, get this off the screen! We don’t need to see this anymore! COLE If I remember correctly, this was from License to Pin, when The Mad Cappa actually made Drek Stone tap out in the Hell-in-a-Cell, winning the Italian Championship back in the process. CABOOSE I think we’ve seen enough of those clips. However, whoever’s responsible for running the television monitors doesn’t exactly agree. The footage rewinds itself and loops back to The Mad Cappa entrapping Drek Stone in the Walls of Cappa once again. Drek, taking a wary breath, can’t help but keep his eyes focused upon the TV screen. DREK I…..I DIDN’T TAP OUT! Almost immediately -- somewhat like sheep -- well, not really somewhat. Exactly like sheep. But you get the idea -- the crowd in the aerobic room start chanting at the Heavyweight Champion about his shameful past. “YOU TAPPED OUT!” “YOU TAPPED OUT!” “YOU TAPPED OUT!” DREK I DID NOT!! I DID NOT!! “YOU TAPPED OUT!” “YOU TAPPED OUT!” DREK IT WAS AN ALLERGIC REACTION! I’M ALLERGIC TO THE WALLS OF CAPPA!! I’M ALLERGIC! I HAVE A DOCTOR’S NOTE SAYING SO!! COLE Uh oh. Drek Stone is starting to flip out here. CABOOSE Well, if he has a doctor’s note, case closed, I think. DREK YOU PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ALLERGIES! NOTHING!! Unfortunately, since Drek Stone was so busy screaming at the audience about his terrible allergies, he’s unable to notice The Mad Cappa locking a handcuff around his taped wrist. In a flash, Cappa then secures the other end to a nearby treadmill. CABOOSE What?! What the hell is The Mad Cappa doing?! Drek, looking shocked that Cappa would pull such a dastardly thing, tries pulling at the handcuff, but inevitably finds himself securely attached. Drek moves onto the treadmill to get a better grip of the cuff, allowing Cappa the chance to turn on the running machine. DREK WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! I’M ALLERGIC TO TREADMILLS TOO!! Drek starts running in place as The Mad Cappa grinds up the treadmill’s speed to its top level. The machine starts moving at a FRANTIC pace as Drek struggles to keep up with it, running as fast as he could. Cappa laughs as he runs out of the room, continuing his bid for the Heavyweight Title. DREK AHHHHHHH! JOSIE!! GET ME OFF THIS CRAZY THING!! Drek then looks up and finds the License to Pin footage still playing on the TV screens. DREK AND GET THAT DAMN MATCH OFF THE SCREEN TOO!! As Drek Stone continues to run in place, The Mad Cappa breaks through the double doors to find himself now in a basketball court. CABOOSE Guys, this isn’t good! Someone needs to get a key and quick. If Drek stays locked to that treadmill, that’s it. His Heavyweight Title run could be finished! Somebody DO SOMETHING!! COACH SO GO GET THE KEY!! CABOOSE …..hmm? The Mad Cappa could see the beach -- and the Heavyweight Title -- calling for him through the next door. But he could also see Alix Spezia standing before him, clutching a basketball in her muscular hands. The room is surprisingly dark, but there’s no doubt to Cappa that the Tag Team Champion is standing before him. ALIX Hey Cappa…… Alix forcefully checks the ball to Cappa. ALIX ….you think you have game?! “YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!” With a grin, Cappa catches the ball and starts dribbling it slowly. *BOUNCE* *BOUNCE* *BOUNCE* Alix pushes up to him to steal the ball quickly, but Cappa shoves her away with his hip. COACH Guys, Cappa’s Puerto Rican, right? COLE I think so. COACH Oh, this should be cake for him then. COLE ….we make enough racist comments tonight yet? After being checked away so easily, Alix focuses on The Mad Cappa with even more determination. With his back to Alix, Cappa starts easing his way backwards, still calmly dribbling the ball. But suddenly, Alix reaches a hand out and shoves the ball away from Cappa’s control. Cappa gasps as the ball goes bouncing down the court, but Alix runs after it, easily retrieving it. The fans pop loudly as Alix starts marching down the court with the ball safely dribbling before her. Cappa can only look on and stare as Alix brushes past him…. SHE JUMPS UP…. SLAM DUNK!!! COACH BOOMSHAKALAKASHAKALAKA~!~! CABOOSE Already, I’d take her over anyone on the New York Knicks. COACH ZING~! “ALIX!” “ALIX!” “ALIX!” Alix hangs triumphantly off the basketball net, but starts screaming when she realizes that The Mad Cappa is pulling at her panties. Her scream is quickly drowned out by the deafening roar of all the fans standing in the court. “YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!” As Cappa continues to pull at Alix’s underwear, he notices that he’s no closer at removing the panties from her waist. Instead, a seam is starting to split along the top of her head. Cappa keeps pulling as the seam continues to tear along the back of Alix’s head, then her back, and finally towards her legs. COLE What the hell is going on here? With one final pull, Cappa yanks at the panties -- and an entire bodysuit falls on top of him! Alix, clearly flustered, lets go of the basketball net, drops to the floor, and turns around to face The Mad Cappa! COACH WHOA!!! COLE THAT WASN’T ALIX! IT WAS….. COLE ABE VIGODA!! COACH The former OAOAST Chairman is BACK on HeldDown! The Mad Cappa stares at this Alix IMPOSTER~! in absolute shock. VIGODA Yes, indeedy, son. WHO GOT GAME NOW, BOYEEEEEEEE~?~! For absolutely no reason whatsoever, Abe Vigoda starts doing the Charleston in the center of the basketball court. The Mad Cappa is speechless. The fans are speechless. The announcers: COLE ….. CABOOSE …… COACH …… All speechless. Finally, The Mad Cappa just shakes his head and starts breaking for the final door. COLE So wait…..does this mean Abe Vigoda has been Alix the entire time? CABOOSE Well, it certainly would explain a lot of things. COACH That bicyclist earlier must get off on some really wrinkly titties then…. As The Mad Cappa gets closer to the door leading to the beach, Leon Rodez suddenly leaps out from behind the bleachers and pulls down Cappa’s shorts! Everyone in the building screams out in laughter as The Mad Cappa tries desperately to cover up his Puerto Rican flag thong. COLE *whistles* CABOOSE GHEY~! As Cappa struggles to pull his pants back up, Rodez runs out the door and steps onto the beach. The fans in attendance at Cocoa Beach break out into a wild roar, realizing that Leon Rodez is now the closest one to obtaining the Heavyweight Championship. He starts taking a few steps towards the ring but is suddenly surrounded by his right-wing Christian best friends again. RODEZ Oh, Jeez. What the hell do you guys want now?! Sister Mary Jane, an elderly nun from the Great Church of St. Dominic, steps out of the group with a bottle of clear liquid in her hand. She does the Sign of the Cross upon Rodez’s forehead, then calmly starts spraying the liqud into his eyes. RODEZ Oh my God, that BURNS!!! MARY JANE MR. RODEZ, THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!! I PROMISE TO GET SATAN OUT OF YOUR SOUL!! As Rodez shields his eyes in pain, the nun places her right hand on Rodez’s forehead and opens the Bible to some random page. MARY JANE SATAN, EVACUATE THIS YOUNG MAN’S BODY! LET GOD FILL HIS HEART WITH ABSTINENCE AND PRAYER! DRIVE OUT THE EVILS OF SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK N’ROLL! As Sister Mary Jane continues her exorcism upon the X-Division Champion, the crowd suddenly turns to the ocean when they hear someone screaming from a far distance. SWIMMER Help me! HELP ME! I’M DROWNING! However, the Christian group still stays focused on Leon Rodez, determined to help evacuate him from the Devil. RODEZ Guys…..YO! Shouldn’t someone go out and try to help that swimmer? MARY JANE Help him? Oh, God will help him with salvation, yada, yada, yada. Now, BEEZLEBUB, THE LORD DEMANDS YOU LEAVE THIS YOUNG MAN’S BODY! MAY HE NO MORE TAINT THIS COUNTRY WITH IMMORAL PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEOS! As the mob starts to tighten their circle around the X-Champion, Leon Rodez suddenly breaks through them with lightning quick speed and starts darting towards the ocean. COACH Now that is a real hero! He’s determined to save that poor swimmer out there! As Rodez dashes towards the ocean to save this unfortunate diver, the footage suddenly begins to slow down. Instead of running quickly, Leon Rodez seems to actually be going in slow motion. His footprints in the sand become more impactful. The wind slowly blows around him, causing his hair to lightly flip around his head. And from nowhere in particular, a familiar jingle can be heard. Some people stand in the darkness Afraid to step into the light Some people need to help somebody When the edge of surrender’s in sight.. The camera dramatically catches the swimmer struggling the ocean, then Rodez continuing to surge towards the water. Don’t you worry! Its gonna be alright ‘cause I’m always ready, I won’t let you out of my sight. As Rodez gets closer to the ocean, the camera suddenly finds someone running alongside Leon Rodez. Rodez comes to a slow stop and looks across him to find…. RODEZ PA…….PAM….. PAMELA ANDERSON Rodez, let me handle this one. Don’t worry about it. Pamela Anderson then shoves Leon Rodez into the sand and dives into the ocean, presumably to save the diver. I’ll Be Ready I’ll Be Ready Never you fear No, don’t you fear I’ll be ready Forever and always I’m always here. Of course, we don’t care about him anymore. CABOOSE Was that PA…..PAM….. COACH PAM…..um, PAM….. COLE Pamela Anderson, right? I don’t understand this attraction everyone has to her. COACH I didn’t even realize she still did this gig! As Rodez rolls along the sand, still enamored with the fact that Pamela Anderson touched him on the shoulder, he slowly moves onto his knees. Once he gets up, he starts running forward and almost goes crashing into a hot dog vendor. However, he manages to stop himself at the last minute from imminent deep-fried disaster. Wanting to confront this near catastrophe, Rodez gets ready to scream at the vendor -- but stops when he actually realizes who it is. CABOOSE Well, now this is just getting ridiculous! Rodez shakes his head in surprise before speaking to this superstar actor who has fallen from grace. RODEZ David…..it’s come to this?! HASSELHOFF It’s not too bad! All the free hot dogs you could want, you know? The ever-popular AWKWARDNESS floats down between these two modern American heroes as they slowly stare down at their feet, wanting to break away from the conversation but not quite knowing what to say. Finally, Leon Rodez makes the first move. RODEZ Well, David…..I, uh….hmm…..I have a Heavyweight Title to win. I’ll talk to you later. HASSELHOFF Yeah, sure, sure. Nice seeing you, man. As Leon breaks away to obtain his first ever Heavyweight Championship, David Hasselhoff thinks out loud to himself. HASSELHOFF An actor winning a professional wrestling Heavyweight title?! That could rejuvenate my career! Seconds after Rodez starts running down to the beach, Hasselhoff goes chasing after him. COACH Well, that probably isn’t going to end good. COLE Wait, I’m being told someone else is walking around here…. The camera picture leaves the Rodez Saga for a second, and spots Drek Stone jogging along the beachside, trying to get back into this thing. CABOOSE YES! DREK! How do you think he got out of those cuffs?! COACH Let’s just say a wizard did it. The Heavyweight Champion continues to run along the beach, desperately trying to get his title belt before someone could steal it from him. Along the way, he makes it a point to stomp down sandcastles and grin at the children’s sobbing faces as he does it. He suddenly stops his run in the middle, however, when he spots someone tanning on a beach towel. With a smile, Drek eases his way over to the man, wanting to get a better look at what exactly the casual tourist is doing. DREK Hmm. Drek Stone slowly looks down at the lotion-covered face of this casual beachgoer. With evil intentions dancing through his mind, Drek reaches down and grabs a nice, heavy handful of sand. COLE Oh, come on. There’s no need for this. With reckless abandon, Drek then drops the cloud of sand onto the tourist’s face. The man turns and starts coughing as Drek steps back -- and KICKS a plume of sand into the man’s face! CABOOSE YES! YES! That’s how you treat a 100-lb weakling! Wonderful. Drek Stone lets out a LOUD laugh as the man rolls over, trying to get the sand of his eyes. He then stands -- --and keeps standing -- --and keeps standing! COLE UH-OH! COACH That wasn’t a 100-lb weakling, guys! With unbelieving eyes, Drek stares upwards as the man’s height continues to rise. Finally, the Heavyweight Champion comes to the same realization everyone at home has already discovered. COLE IT’S THE SADIST! CABOOSE RUN, DREK! RUN! DREK Without waiting another second, Drek starts high-tailing it out of there, not wanting to face The Sadist’s wrath. The Sadist takes a moment to wipe the sand out of his eyes, then pulls a pair of sunglasses out of his swim trunks. He slowly puts them over his eyes, cracks his fists together, then starts stalking down the beach after Drek Stone! The fans of Cocoa Beach start cheering rabidly as Drek jets down the beach, with the suntan lotion-covered face of The Sadist following right behind him. CABOOSE Come on, Sadist! It was a joke! COACH Can’t blame the man. He was trying to pick up chicks, na’mean? CABOOSE Na…..what? As Drek zooms down to the beach, he comes to The Mad Cappa and Alix shoving each other back and forth. Suddenly, Leon Rodez comes between the two of them and pulls them apart. THE MAD CAPPA Why the hell would you have Abe Vigoda dress up in a Alix costume?! ALIX I told you! I thought it would be FUNNY!! LEON RODEZ Guys, guys, come on. That’s enough fighting! Cappa, I hate you. Drek, you’re an asshole. Alix, you be one happening ho. And while I know we’re in the middle of a match right now, stop and think about it for a second. We’re on a beach, right? CAPPA Yeah…. LEON RODEZ The weather outside is beautiful, correct? DREK Sure. LEON RODEZ So come on! There’s only one thing we really can do right now. Let’s…. ALIX DANCE! Everyone on the beach -- the fans, the wrestlers, and even the referee -- suddenly break out into a wild beach dance as a boom box nearby starts to play some lively pop music. ALL I’m gonna grab my girl And head to the beach Hick-A-Doo-La! Drek Stone and Alix start grinding together as the song plays. ALL We’re gonna all hang then And then maybe then Hick-A-Doo-La Cappa and Rodez fall simultaneously to the sand, then do kip-ups back to their feet CAPPA, DREK, RODEZ Cause I’m a Hick-A-Doo-La Boy! ALIX And I’m a Hick-A-Doo-La Girl! ALL And together it’s a Hick-A-Doo-La world! Hick-A-Doo-La! As everyone on the beach dances in place, Cappa leans over to Alix with a confused look on his face. CAPPA Alix, what does Hick-A-Doo-La mean? The music stops for a moment as everyone stares at The Mad Cappa. ALL WHAT DOES HICK-A-DOO-LA MEAN?! ALIX Well, Hick-A-Doo-La is that special feeling you get when you fondle your tag team partner! RODEZ It’s having kinky sex with two beautiful girls! DREK It’s stomping grapes at your beautiful summer home in Sicily! STEPHEN POPICK It’s obeying ALL the rules! Simulatenously, Drek Stone, Leon Rodez, Alix, and The Mad Cappa pick Stephen Joseph up over their head and run towards the ocean. They then throw Stephen Popick… *SPLASH* …into the water! “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Suddenly, the music stops and all four superstars stare each other down. But before they can react, The Sadist stomps by and pushes both Drek Stone and The Mad Cappa to the ground. Drek and Cappa look up in absolute shock. DREK CAPPA All four wrestlers then start sprinting for the ring, really eager to capture the Heavyweight Title they all feel they’re entitled to. COLE It’s a wild sprint to capture that title in the center of the ring! Who’s gonna get to it first?! CABOOSE Come on, Drek! GET THAT TITLE! COME ON!! Somehow, Alix actually manages to pull away with the lead. Drek, Cappa, and Rodez start screaming as Alix hops up to the ring apron with one jump and tries making her way in. But before she can step through the ropes, Cappa snatches her in a powebomb position and starts pulling her away from the ropes. Alix tries holding onto the top rope with all her strength, but Drek and Rodez work together to swat at her arms. Finally, she’s forced to release. As she does, Cappa runs forward and…. *CRASH!* GIVES HER A CAPPABOMB ONTO THE WOODEN RAMP! Instantly after Alix hits the ground, she breaks through several of the planks, leaving an imprint of her body in the wood! The fans can’t believe it, and break out into a loud series of jeers. However, those jeers are quickly broken up by a familiar chant. “HOLY SHIT!” “HOLY SHIT!” “HOLY SHIT!” The Cocoa Beach crowd breaks out into a wild applause as Alix rolls around a mangled mess of wooden planks and splinters. COLE My god! Alix went RIGHT THROUGH that wooden ramp! CABOOSE What a POWERFUL powerbomb! I already respect The Mad Cappa even more! The Mad Cappa turns around and spots Drek Stone and Leon Rodez standing there watching him. It’s now down to those three. An actual moment of silence passes between the competitors before they suddenly make a wild scramble to the ring again! Leon Rodez tries sliding into the ring to get the belt quickly -- “YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” -- but Cappa manages to hold onto his ankle, keeping him from getting into the ring! CABOOSE Oh my god! This is too close! Cappa, hold him there! Please! Rodez tries kicking himself away from Cappa’s grip, but it’s no use. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Drek Stone comes running with a beach umbrella in his hands. He swings it upward -- -- AND SMASHES THE UMBRELLA OVER CAPPA’S HEAD! The Mad Cappa’s head pops out through the other side of the fabric, effectively hanging the umbrella off his neck! COLE Beach umbrella! Beach umbrella! Beach umbrella! CABOOSE YES! WE KNOW! Cappa stares at Drek Stone with a blank expression on his face for a moment, then slowly starts falling backwards. COACH TIMB-E-E-R-R-R-R-R-R-R! Cappa hits the grains of sand lifelessly, with the umbrella still wrapped around his neck! COLE Looks like Cappa might be out of this match too! We could be down to two! With Cappa’s grip now released from his ankle, Leon gets back up immediately. With no one blocking him, Rodez is free to RUN FOR THE GOLD…. CABOOSE NO! NO! ….NO! DREK HOPS UP TO THE APRON AND YANKS AT LEON’S HAIR! Leon turns around quickly and gives Drek Stone a hard shot to the face. Drek reels back, coming close to falling off the apron, but Rodez hangs onto him by his head. He pulls the Heavyweight Champion towards the corner and starts forcing him to climb the turnbuckle. COACH What is Leon Rodez prepared to do here?! CABOOSE Come on, Leon! This is the guy you just danced with! Still grabbing a full hold of his opponent’s hair, Rodez finally forces Drek to stand on the top rope. Once he does so, Leon starts climbing up after him. Eventually, they both end up on the top turnbuckle, with the reaction in Cocoa Beach starting to reach a fever pitch. Leon hooks Drek Stone up in a superplex position, and the fans start screaming even louder. CABOOSE NO, NO, NO, NO!!! COLE Is he going to push him off that turnbuckle?! Finally, after taking a few moments to summon his strength, Rodez LIFTS DREK STONE UP -- -- NO! DREK BLOCKS IT! Not being deterred, Leon tries lifting Drek up AGAIN -- --NO! DREK BLOCKS IT AGAIN! Rodez tries a third attempt, but suddenly Drek drops his head, placing it near Rodez’s midsection. Stone suddenly lifts his neck up quickly -- -- AND DROPS LEON RODEZ FROM THE TOP ROPE TO THE SANDY BEACH WITH A BACK-BODY DROP!! LEON LANDS FLAT ON HIS BACK AFTER FALLING FROM THE TOP TURNBUCKLE! COACH WHOA!!! CABOOSE YES! THAT’S IT! “HOLY SHIT!” “HOLY SHIT!” “HOLY SHIT!” CABOOSE Come on, Drek! This thing is over! Grab the title! However, instead of seizing his opportunity and rushing for the title, Drek falls off the top rope onto the ring mat. He simply looks too spent to reach for his belt. COLE What’s going on here?! Everyone is out cold! Who the hell is going to claim this title?! COACH WAIT….wait, Cole! Not everybody! As the fans wait for one of the competitors to stir, they can only watch as David Hasselhoff jumps out through the crowd and over the ring barrier. He makes a sprint for the ring as the fans scream for someone -- ANYONE -- to stop this! COLE NO! NO! COACH DON’T TELL ME! DAVID HASSELHOFF SLIDES INTO THE RING!! HE REACHES FOR THE TITLE!! NO!!! THE SADIST SUDDENLY GRABS A HOLD OF HASSELHOFF’S ANKLE AND YANKS HIM OUT OF THE RING!! COACH OH MY GOD!! In one swift motion, The Sadist wraps a hand around Hasselhoff’s throat, lifts him up -- -- AND CHOKESLAMS HIM INTO THE SAND!! COLE What a chokeslam! CABOOSE Serves Hasselhoff right! Go back to Germany! With Hasselhoff now taken out of the match as well, Drek Stone slowly starts to stir in the ring. The fans begin screaming as they see the completely worn out Drek start to muscle himself onto his knees. CABOOSE Yes! Go Drek! Come on! COLE Could this be it?! With the Heavyweight Title halfway across the ring from him, Drek starts to slowly crawl towards it. The fans of Cocoa Beach really start shouting for anyone to stop him, but it looks to be useless at this time. Drek keeps crawling. Crawling for his gold. Crawling for HIS property. Finally, he gets close enough! CABOOSE YES! YES! He reaches his arm up -- “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” -- and wraps his hand around the Heavyweight Title! *DING! DING! DING!* BUFFER WINNER OF THIS MATCH…..AND STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OAOAST HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION……DRRRRRRRRRRRRRREK STOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!! The REAL sounds of “Woke Up This Morning” start to blast over the loudspeakers as Drek pulls the title closer to him and hugs the gold tightly near his chest. CABOOSE Oh, wow! I can’t believe it! What an amazing champion! What an absolutely inspiring champion! COLE Well, Drek Stone is sure to go in the record books now. The first-ever Run for the Gold winner! Folks, this was an entertaining one the entire way through, no doubt about it! COACH I don’t even know what the hell happened. As Drek holds the title to his chest, he starts using the top rope to pull himself up to his feet. Once he gets to a standing position, and all is right in the world to him, the hard-rock sounds of an electric guitar are enough to scare the Heavyweight Champion once more. CUE: Black CABOOSE NO! COLE COULD IT BE?! CABOOSE Come on! Keep him out of here! Nobody let him through! With wide eyes, Drek stares out at the entranceway, obviously not wanting to see his Zero Hour at this point and time. Stone then moves to the ring ropes facing the ramp and leans out over the top, signaling to Hoff that’s he ready to fight him. However, since his attention is so solidly focused on the ring ramp, he’s unable to notice someone running out through the crowd. Someone jumping over the ringside barrier. Someone sliding into the ring. And someone KNOCKING DREK STONE OVER THE TOP ROPE! COLE HOFF!! CABOOSE OH, DAMMIT! Once Drek hits the ground, Hoff immediately climbs out through the ropes to follow him. Drek tries sprinting away from the current #1 Contender, but Hoff simply won’t allow him to get away. He grabs Drek by his left arm, yanks it towards him, and brings Drek Stone down with a HARD short-arm clothesline! The fans in the building let out a wild cheer as Drek drops to the ground nursing his neck. “YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Once Drek spends a second regaining his bearings, he grabs his title belt and starts making a wild dash towards the beach. Hoff chases after him like a lion stalking his prey, knowing he has the champion at his mercy. Drek tries desperately to run down to the ocean, but once he actually gets close to the water, Hoff hits him with a clothesline to the back of the head, bringing Drek Stone down once more. CABOOSE Come on! Where’s the Sadist when you need him?! David Hasselhoff?! Abe Vigoda?! SOMEONE! SOMEONE STOP HOFF FROM DOING SOMETHING WE’LL ALL REGRET! Not happy with simply knocking Drek Stone down, Hoff picks him up off the beach by the back of his head. He takes a moment to brush the sand off Drek’s chest, then lightly kicks the Heavyweight Title off to the side. Drek woozily tries to fall down, but Hoff keeps a solid hold on him. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Unleashing a violent scream, Hoff picks Drek Stone up…. *BAM!* *SPLASH!* …..AND SPINEBUSTERS HIM INTO THE OCEAN! The fans in Cocoa Beach start going absolutely INSANE as Hoff rises and stands before the Heavyweight Champion, proudly grinning at what he just did. CABOOSE I can not believe this! What happened to the honor Hoff used to have?! I ACTUALLY USED TO RESPECT THAT GUY! I can’t believe it! As Drek lays lifelessly in the water, Hoff picks the Heavyweight Title off of the beach. With a wink, Hoff looks out at the fans, then wipes the grains of sand of the gold plate of the Heavyweight Championship. Finally, Hoff symbolically places the title over his shoulder, receiving a massive positive reaction in return. COLE Hoff was the Heavyweight Champion once before! Could this be what we see at Zero Hour?! COACH Well, minus the beach, of course. But honestly, Cole, I really do think this is a good sign of the future! Can Drek Stone actually beat Hoff?! CABOOSE YES! YES! Even after Hoff’s disgusting actions tonight, Drek Stone will destroy him at Zero Hour! He has to! Hoff raises the title up over his head, as the current sweeps in and slowly starts to take the lifeless body of Drek Stone out to sea. The camera fades away as Drek floats further out into the ocean. Missing one important possession. The one possession that means the most to him. The one possession he fought so unbelievably hard for tonight. The OAOAST Heavyweight Title. Now proudly sitting over Hoff’s shoulder. *fade to black*