Hoff

WTF? Oh, it's an in-joke. I get it. *spinebusters Charlie Matthews*

Lindsay Lohan; ....drugs?

No, she...well she lost her titties. Yes it would.

In preparation for my SATs I had been told that in multiple-choice tests, C was most frequently the correct answer. I have no idea if that's true or if so why, but there you go. Our third option, our C, has pulled ahead.

I've never found learning an instrumental part any harder than learning a vocal one, except that you do have more room to improvise on vocals. The arrangement of Carrie's piece was dull, but she wasn't exactly putting a lot of oomph into the vocals, either. Federov's performance was better, but not super-colossal or anything. I didn't think anyone has a really "great" performance tonight, although Bo and Vonz's second songs seemed...rejuvenated.

*Future Shock to entire SWF*

*shakes head*

Completely off-topic, but every time Smues posts I laugh. That lady looks so deep in thought...

Take it from a fatty: Little Debbie snack cakes are better and cheaper than Hostess.

Aw, c'mon, Dosh! Think of it: authorizing someone solely for the purpose of banning him. How cool is that? Come on. Abuse your power.

Probably a dumb monkey.

Why? Suicide via mod, that's all this was. It's a rough line of work, HTQ. You can't let your feelings get in the way. When you put on that badge... You know what, I'm even boring myself with this analogy. At any rate, he was rightly banned, in my view.

Aw, hell.

This is like the best good cop/bad cop routine ever. HTQ: "It's just temporary. Cool down, man. And try to have some respect." Ill: *BLAM*

Speak for yourself. I just did. Wait wait wait. Unless you have multiple personality disorder, Plague, you clearly did NOT just speak for yourself. I don't know what Rico is like as a person, but I've heard a lot of good stories about him on the net, and I can't recall any bad ones, so that's what I'm inclined to believe. If you haven't heard anything one way or the other, good for you, but you have no idea what "we" have seen or heard.

Come on, this guy is clearly asking for a ban. This whole thread is akin to charging at a police officer with a butcher knife.

This would never have happened if Tyler had been made a supermod.

I was huge in Philly back in the day. Seriously, though, they went on about how many songs these guys had written, and then they couldn't find more than three to do. I mean, I know that it's what the contestants chose, but I still found it funny.

This guy is definitely a legitamate poster and definitely NOT a PBP.

The scene opens up on the OAOAST CONTROL CENTER~, where none other than MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE is standing by! MACHO MAN OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! It's the MACHO MAN comin' at ya WITH ANOTHER INTERNET EXCLUSIVE, OOOOH YEEEAH!! DIG IT!! Now, last week on HeldDown we saw the return of Hoff's INTERNATIONAL AMNESTY EXHIBITION!! IT WAS FUNNY, OOOOH YEEEEAH!!! But some of our younger fans DON'T KNOW THE HISTORY BEHIND IT!!! So we're gonna show you just how Igor Stoyanovich came to the OAOAST!! It all started last summer, when Hoff was getting ready to debut his new move, THE ANGLE AWARD WINNING OOOOOH YEEEEAH FUTURE SHOCK DIG IT!! SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM! So Hoff needed a VICTIM to demonstrate on, and he called IGOR STOYANOVICH!! The scene mercifully cuts away from Savage and to a pretaped interview with Hoff. HOFF Igor actually lives in Minnesota, not too far from me. His family moved here from Russia when he was younger, and of course he has a bit of a disability. But he's always loved wrestling. I used to see him at the Northern Pro shows, cheering his little lungs out, and I couldn't help but smile. Eventually, with MUCH paperwork, we got consent from his parents and doctors to train him just a little. He never quite got the hang of it, but he loves to roll around in the ring. So, when I needed someone to debut the Future Shock, I thought of him. I thought it was kind of neat to have a whole segment dedicated to one move, as opposed to doing it in the ring, but I also wanted to make it entertaining...and so the International Amnesty stuff was born. I was a dick back then, but what can you do? *laughs* MACHO LET'S TAKE YOU TO THE RECLIP OOOH YEAH!! I'M COMING FOR YOU HOGAN!! HeldDOWN, 7/15/2004 CUE: "Black" by Sevendust COLE Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for...for Hoff's "International Amnesty Exhibition." COACH Do we have any idea just what this is yet? COLE Not at all. CABOOSE Come on, you guys! It's OBVIOUS. Hoff, as the 24/7 Champion, and as a representative of this company, is simply trying to extend goodwill toward our fellow nations. COLE Oh, right, I'm sure that's exactly what this is. CABOOSE Come now, Michael. As an Englishman, I, for one, am glad to see such a gesture from one of our superstars. Hoff, dressed a white Thrillogy T-shirt and jeans, saunters down to ringside, jawing with the fans and repeatedly stopping to buff his title belt. Hoff tosses the belt over the top rope and slides into the ring, grabbing the belt and posing for the fans before asking for a microphone. HOFF Welcome to the future~! The fans resoundingly boo Hoff out of the building. HOFF You're too kind, you're too kind. But, this isn't about me, kids. Tonight is a celebration. A celebration of peace and -- The fans jeer at Hoff's obviously mocking tone. HOFF A CELEBRATION of peace and goodwill towards one another. CABOOSE See? Goodwill! COLE Uh-huh. Hoff gives the crowd his best cheshire cat grin before continuing. HOFF Because if there's two things the Thrillogy is all about, it's peace and goodwill. FANS "YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!" COACH The crowd's letting Hoff have it! COLE Yeah, they're not buying this. Hoff puckers his lips and mokcs an expression of emotional hurt...then doubles over laughing. HOFF All right, all right. I get it, you don't trust me. You think that just because a guy beats people up, for no reason, just because a guy doesn't walk around kissing hands and shaking babies, that he can't be up to any good. Is that right? The fans cheer. COLE Yeah! HOFF Well, maybe tonight...maybe, just maybe, I can change your minds. So without further ado, let me bring out my assisstant for tonight's exhibition. Straight from the mean streets of Moscow, Russia, PLEASE, give a warm welcome to...IGOR STOYANOVICH!!!! COACH Who? The Soviet Union National Anthem kicks in over the arena loudspeakers as the fans turn to the arena entrance, bewildered. A young, blond man steps out from the curtain, short and pencil-thin, clad in a pair of workout pants and a Hoff is the Future t-shirt (on sale for $19.99 at OAOASTshopzone.com). He has a big, genuine smile on his face as he walks down the ramp. COLE Igor...Stoyanovich? CABOOSE He's Hoff's assistant! What a great day for world unity! Igor Stoyanovich skips to the ring, climbing the steps and stepping in, raising his hands over his head! The fans actually give Igor a slight pop as Hoff looks on, smiling thinly and applauding politely. COLE I don't know, you guys, I smell trouble. CABOOSE No way. Igor walks over to Hoff and enthusiastically shakes the hand of the 24/7 titleholder. HOFF Igor........WELCOME TO HELDDOWN~! Igor jumps up and down as the fans pop HUGE! COACH YEAH BABY~! The HD is in the HOOOOOOOOOUSE~!~!~! CABOOSE I. Loathe. You. Hoff chuckles as Igor runs around the ring. HOFF All right, my friend, settle down. Now...who are some of your favorite OAOAST superstars? Hoff holds the mic to Igor's lips as the young Russian man thinks. IGOR Um....the Zack Malibu! The fans boo as Hoff smiles and nods. HOFF Yeah, Zack Malibu, absolutely...who else? IGOR Um....uh....the Calvin Sa-heck-a-stine! Hoff laughs as the fans jeer again. COLE Oh, come on! CABOOSE What? COLE Please, 'Booze, Hoff has obviously told Igor what to say! CABOOSE What, how dare you? Maybe Igor just appreciates fine, technical wrestling! COLE Come on. Igor smiles and gives Hoff a big thumbs up, and Hoff shoots one right back at him. HOFF Heh, that's right, Calvin Szechstein, everyone loves Cal, for sure....but come on, Igor, who else? Hoff steps back, smiling, pointing one thumb at himself while he holds the mic to Igor's lips. Igor scratches his head... IGOR Um....uh.........ummmm....how you say....the ANGLESAULT! The crowd pops! COACH Anglesault? Hoff pulls the mic back to his lips and looks at Igor funny. HOFF Anglesault... Igor quickly yanks the mic away from Hoff! IGOR And Gunner Sharps!! HOFF WHAT?! The crowd pops huge as Hoff's eyes bug out. The big man's nostrils flare as Igor shrinks away slightly. COACH So much for Hoff feeding Igor his lines! CABOOSE Ah, shut up with this. Hoff takes a deep breath and Igor takes a tenative step toward him. IGOR Did I...did I do wrongly? Hoff looks down, swallows, then looks back up at Igor. HOFF No, Igor, no...you did just fine. Hoff pats Igor on the shoulder. COLE I don't like where this is going-- HOFF So, Igor...now as long as I have you out here, I figured...in the spirit of international harmony, I would introduce you, Russia's own, to two American icons. Igor's eyes light up. COACH American icons? COLE Who could this be? CABOOSE Does he mean Zack and Calvin? COLE Oh please. CABOOSE What? Hoff grabs Igor by the arm and turns his focus to the entrance. HOFF So, Igor, without further ado, let me introduce to you.....Mario and Luigi, the MARIO BROTHERS~! Igor smiles wide as two men dressed as the mustachioed plumbers from Brooklyn walk down to the rign, waving to the crowd. The arena fills with boos as Hoff laughs to himself. COLE Oh, come on. CABOOSE Yes! COACH Hey, you think it's Calvin and Zack again? CABOOSE ....... "Mario" and "Luigi" enter the ring and walk over to Igor, each shaking his hand. HOFF Huh, how about that, Igor? Two American cultural icons. But that's not alllll....Igor, how would you like your picture taken with the Marios? Igor nods happily, and a cameraman slides into the ring. Hoff, Igor, and the Marios stand arm in arm. HOFF Okay, now say cheese on three, okay? One, two three..... *CLICK* The cameraman darts out of the ring as the group of men in the ring break their pose. HOFF There we go, there we go...Igor, I promise you, I'll send you a copy of that photo as soon as it's developed. Igor smiles, then waves to the Mario Brothers as they exit the ring and head up the ramp. HOFF Yep, that's it now, goodbye, Mario! Bye Luigi! An uneasy quiet settles over the arena as Hoff and Igor bid the Marios farewell. CABOOSE Well, how 'bout it, Cole? COLE Well, I don't know, I STILL don't trust Hoff, but maybe...maybe he is out there trying to make some kid's day. CABOOSE THAT'S RIGHT. COACH You think that was Calvin and Zack in those masks? CABOOSE Maybe...let's ask AJ Flaire! AHAHAHAHA.... COLE Would you stop. Hoff turns to face Igor after the Marios disappear behind the curtain. HOFF All right, Igor, so have you had a good time so far? IGOR DA! Hoff chuckles. HOFF Good! Good. But, Igor buddy, we ain't through yet. No way. Because I happen to know that YOU are a huge wrestling fan, is that right? IGOR DA! DA! DA! COLE Oh geez. HOFF That's right, and you know, in addition to being a championship athlete, and in addition to being such a charismatic performer, I myself am first, and foremost, a wrestling fan. Hoff smiles out to the crowd, and most of them boo, but a few, scant cheers cut through the audience. HOFF So, whaddya say, Igor, that we give these fans a wrestling exhibition? The fans cheer as Igor readily agrees! IGOR DA! DAAAAAAAAAAAA! YEAH YEAH YEAH~!! Hoff laughs heartily as the fans cheer. HOFF All right, buddy. So let me ask you a very important question. Igor, what is your favorite wrestling move? Igor takes a deep breath and shouts out... IGOR SPINEBUSTER~!!! Hoff's eyes go wide and a big grin spreads across his face. HOFF The spinebuster? Why, Igor, that's my favorite move too! Igor lights up as Hoff nods, and Hoff slaps Igor a high-five. COLE Guys, I don't like this... COACH Me either. CABOOSE They have something in common! How sweet. HOFF All right, man, let's try something. How about...how about you give me your VERY BEST spinebuster? Igor shakes his head, but Hoff interjects. HOFF No no, it's okay, I'm a tough guy, I can take it! Igor looks at Hoff, then out to the crowd, shrugging, and the fans cheer! COACH I think they wanna see it! Igor paces the ring, and Hoff waves the crowd up as an "IGOR!" chant builds! COACH Listen to this! COLE This is...surreal. Igor looks down, then spins back to look at Hoff and says IGOR DA! HOFF Yeah! All right, Igor, I'm gonna run off the ropes, then you catch me and do the move, okay? Igor nods as Hoff sets the mic down, then nods at Igor. Hoff, at half speed, jogs off the ropes and runs back at Igor, who bends down, grabs Hoff, and lifts him about three inches off the ground, then drops him gingerly on his BUTT. Hoff lies down, feigning pain, as Igor pumps his fist in celebration! COACH Ha! Yeah, go Igor! COLE Aw, come on. CABOOSE What, Cole? Igor did the move! PERFECTLY! Ah ha... COLE Come on, Caboose, this kid Igor is maybe 120 pounds soaking wet, he barely lifted Hoff off the ground, and Hoff is..he's laughing about it! CABOOSE Well he's AMUSED! Geez, Cole, is everything some SCHEME with you? COACH Mikey I gotta agree with Booze, this seems legit! COLE I don't know... Hoff sits up, laughing, and holds a hand out. Igor picks him up, and the two men share another high-five. Igor continues celebrating as Hoff picks up the microphone. HOFF Man, Igor, that was great! The fans pop extra-large~! HOFF But, Igor, you know what'd be great now? Igor shakes his head. HOFF If I could spinebuster YOU. Hoff smiles as a cry passes over the arena. Igor scratches his chin...and agrees! COLE Oh, no. CABOOSE Now now... COLE Caboose, NO! CABOOSE Michael, he's just gonna give a safe demonstration, that's all! Hoff nods at Igor, then sets the mic down and stand in the center of the ring. Igor rubs his hand together, then jogs off the strands and comes at Hoff. Hoff bends down to catch him...then suddenly grabs Igor by the shoulder and fires him off the opposite side! COLE What? The fans shout as Igor comes flying off the ropes...and Hoff DRILLS him with a HUGE spineuster~! Hoff pops to his feet, looking down with a sick smile as Igor writhes in pain! COLE NO! Dammit, no! Come on, Hoff, WHY? Hoff picks up the microphone as the fans drown him in boos. HOFF Oh, Igor, man, I'm sorry, we got going too fast there... COLE This is sick. HOFF Here, buddy, let me help you up. Hoff holds a hand down to Igor, and the man tenatively reaches out. Hoff grabs him by the hand...YANKS him off the mat, then whips him around and catches him with a short-arm clothesline! Igor drops to the mat as Hoff holds his arms out to the sides, posing and basking in the catcalls of the fans. COLE WHY? Why would Hoff do this? CABOOSE Why? WHY? Because it's FUNNY, Cole! It's downright hilarious! COLE Caboose, please. COACH Well...it was kind of clever... Hoff smiles and looks down at Igor. HOFF Igor...you poor, dumb son of a bitch. But didn't I promise you a night you would never forget? Hoff laughs and pulls Igor to his feet, who looks at Hoff with glassy eyes. Hoff chuckles, shakles his head, and FLOORS Igor with a stiff right hand. COACH Okay, now this is beyond the line. CABOOSE Heh heh. HOFF All right, people...listen up. I promised you an exhibition, and we aren't done yet. Now...maybe SOME of you read on "the internet" that I had a world-premiere debut of SOMETHING here tonight. And that, my friends, is one-hundred percent true. So, without further ado, allow me to present, in its WORLD PREMIERE, my NEW finishing move... COACH Finishing move? Hoff looks across the audience. HOFF ....the FUTURE SHOCK!!! COLE Future Shock? What is this? CABOOSE Quiet, we're about to see! Hoff tosses down the microphone and picks Igor up off the mat. Hoff grabs Igor by the hair, then turns him around and hooks him under his left arm in a reverse facelock. Hoff reaches down and grabs Igor by the waist, lifting him up in a reverse suplex position, and holds him in the air! COLE What is he gonna.... Hoff holds Igor up high....holds him....holds him... And drops him into a SITOUT REVERSE BRAINBUSTER!!!! COLE OH MY GOD! Hoff, sitting, smiles out to the fans, then kicks his legs and gets to his feet. The fans drown Hoff in a sea of boos as he grins an evil grin.... MACHO SO THERE YOU HAVE IT, Igor's first inclusion into the OAOAST OOOOH YEAH! But he wasn't done, DIG IT! OOOOH YEAH!! BE A MAN HOGAN!! BE A MAN!! BONESAW IS READY!!!!!!! Someone throws a glass of water onto Macho's face. MACHO Thanks, brotha. Anyway, Hoff later in the year needed an excuse to win the #1 contenership to the OAOAST Title, and so the International Battle Royal was born. HOFF, TAkE IT AWAY, BE A MAN!! HOFF (pre-taped) Oh, man....you know, it just seemed like fun at the time. Poor Igor...but he was a good sport about it. He's always been innocent. Afterwards he came up and apologized, TO ME, for being a nuisance. I had to laugh. He's a good kid and I think that's why we've been able to become friends. MACHO HERE'S THE CLIP! YEAH-UH~! LI'L JON O-KAY~! HeldDown, 10/2/04 CUE: "Black" by Sevendust COLE Oh, boy. The fans begin to jeer as Hoff's familiar entrance theme fills the air. Hoff himself steps onto the stage, dressed for battle, looking to be in a surprisingly good mood. CABOOSE There's my man! COLE Hoff, I don't know why he's out here, but I can tell you, if you didn't see Dirty Deeds the other night, Hoff in fact LOSING to his arch-rival Chris Stevens. CABOOSE Oh, now Cole, why do you have to be such a downer? Look at Hoff, he's happy! And I happen to know what he's got planned tonight, and let me tell you, it's big. COACH You do? CABOOSE Ayup. COACH Well then. COLE I don't suppose you'd TELL us what's up? CABOOSE And ruin the surprise? Never. Hoff saunters down to ringside, jawing with the fans and stopping to grab a rare "Thrillogy 4-eva" sign from the audience and holding it up, then posing with three young men in Thrillogy T-shirts. Hoff high-fives the fans, then makes his way into the ring, sliding in under the bottom rope and popping to his feet. Hoff climbs to the second rope in the near corner and raises his big right arm, smiling as the fans let him have it. COACH Hoff certainly does look happy out there... CABOOSE Oh, man, this is gonna be good. Hoff grabs the mic from ringside. HOFF Welcome.....to the future. Hoff looks up and smiles a big, wide smile as the fans boo. A "STEV-ENS" chant picks up. HOFF Now... "STEV-ENS STEV-ENS" HOFF Ahem.... "STEV-ENS STEV-ENS" HOFF Ex-cuse me.... "STEV-ENS STEV-ENS STEV-ENS" Hoff pauses, the smile on his face replaced by a scowl. HOFF Listen, you can chant his name all you want to, but he isn't here, so you're wasting your breath. The crowd settles down a bit as Hoff waits, looking perturbed. HOFF Chris isn't here, because he knows that if I saw him, I would kick his ass. "BOOOOOOOOOO" HOFF Bill Watts thinks he can intimidate me? Fat chance. The fact is, Chris knows that after he CHEATED to win last night, I'd take him down on sight. "BOOOOOOOOOO" COLE What? Cheated? It was a no-DQ match!! CABOOSE Hey. Chris brought the chair in the ring, Chris used it, and Hoff was trying to wrestle a clean match-- COLE HOFF ALREADY USED THE CHAIR IN THE DAMN MATCH!! CABOOSE Well, that's your story. Hoff nods, looking smug. HOFF But that's fine. Chris Stevens got lucky...great. Chris is old news. I mean, the saying isn't "Hoff is the PAST..." Hoff is the FUTURE. And, it is in that spirit that I am proud to bring to you, on behalf of myself, the Thrillogy, and this entire damn organization, a groundbreaking event. The fans buzz as Hoff smiles and nods. CABOOSE Oh, here we go! COACH What is it? HOFF I present to you...the first-ever INTERNATIONAL AMNESTY BATTLE ROYAL!! The fans pop big! Some boo. COLE What?! CABOOSE YES!!! Ah, this is gonna be HUGE... COLE What is it? HOFF Thank you, thank you. Now, what I have done, ON MY OWN, is scoured the globe for the finest international talent the world has to offer. And, using my connections with my good friends in the Thrillogy, I've signed all these men to a one-night deal to compete in this revolutionary contest. And, using that same stroke, I promise to YOU, the fans, that I will do everything in my power to get the winner a WORLD TITLE shot!! The fans give Hoff a pretty good sized pop for the announcement. COACH Wow, that sounds pretty good! COLE Yeah, I've got to admit, I don't know what Hoff's motives are, but this does sound like a great idea! Hoff waves to the crowd, waiting for them to calm down. HOFF Now, as a matter of fairness, I have included one OAOAST star in this event. And, since I came up with it, and put it all together, I have decided that the fairest choice to fill that role is...me. COLE Now wait a minute... CABOOSE Hey, come on Cole, that's fair! Fair is fair. COLE Fair is fair, but, I gotta say, I do not trust Hoff. HOFF The rules are simple. All the contestants will enter, and the bell will sound. As you can all see, several officials are at ringside. Once a man is thrown over the top rope, with both feet hitting the floor, he is elminated. The last man standing wins. Now...without further ado, here are the entrants!!! The fans let out a pretty big cheer as a generic rock rift begins to play. CABOOSE Here we go! COACH Let's do it baby!! Hoff clears his throat as stereotypical Japanese music begins to play. HOFF Introducing first...from Tokyo, Japan, this man is one of the most renowned high-flyers in all of the Far East. Ladies and gentlemen...TIGER DRAGON!!! A man in a green-and-yellow mask steps out and walks down the aisle to a mild pop. COACH Hey...that guy looks...he looks kinda small! CABOOSE Well, you know those Japanese high flyers, they're all smaller guys... COACH Yeah, but not that small! COLE This guy's maybe 5'4, 5'5, and maybe 125 pounds, and he doesn't look very well put together! CABOOSE Well, maybe he's really quick. Tiger Dragon gets to ringside as the British national anthem kicks in. HOFF Next up, from London, England, a true patriot to the crown...UNION JACK!! Out onto the stage steps a man in blue jeans waving the British flag. The crowd goes mild! COLE Union Jack? COACH This guy is tiny too! CABOOSE What is with you guys and size? Union Jack gets to the ring as Rammstein's "Du Hast" starts up. HOFF Next, his archrival. These two tore Europe a new one. Ladies and gents, DEUTSCH MARK!!! Out onto the stage steps a man with short hair dressed in black, with black sunglasses. COACH Hey, is that Alex Wri-- COLE SHUT IT! We're not getting sued. I think it is him. CABOOSE IT IS!! What a star!! Alex...err, Deutsch Mark gets to the ring, locking eyes with Union Jack. COLE Well, so far, this isn't very impressive... CABOOSE Oh, it gets better. COLE 'Boose? CABOOSE Keep watching. HOFF Another European great...from Dublin, Ireland, it's TIPSY MCSHAMROCK!!! "Tipsy" by J-Kwon plays as a red-haired man in at least his fifties makes his way to ringside....slowly, as he staggers the whole way. COLE Oh, no... CABOOSE Oh yeah, Mikey! Business is about to pick up! COACH Oh, is Jim in this thing? CABOOSE I...ugh. Tipsy saunters down to the ring in his green suit, stopping on the ramp to "raise the roof," to a pretty big reaction. Tipsy takes a swig from the whisky bottle in his hand as he gets to ringside. COLE This is awful. CABOOSE And it gets better! HOFF Next up, the cousin of a true Mexican legend. Ladies and gentlemen...MIL MASCARA!!! A young Hispanic man comes out, in tight white jeans, a pink shirt, and heavy amounts of makeup. COACH This guy must know Rick Shirley! COLE "Mil Mascara." Right. Mascara walks down to the ring as Hoff continues. HOFF And also from the great land of Me-he-co, two of the most talented flyers I have ever seen. Presenting the pint-sized power of El Dorito and El Taquito!! Two masked midget wrestlers come out, one in orange and one in grey. The two raise their arms to a mix or cheers, boos, and laughter. COLE Ridiculous. COACH Hey, midgets! Cool! CABOOSE (laughing his ass off) I love it. And he's NOT DONE YET!! In the ring, Hoff laughs as the midgets slap hands with the fans. HOFF All right, all right. Next up, a dangerous warrior from the heart of the Amazon rainforest...EARTH SPIRIT WARRIOR!! COACH Who? "Earth Spirit Warrior," looking decisively non-Latin, walks out wearing a nearly two-foot-high tribal mask, and a beer gut. COLE Please. CABOOSE (doubled over) This is great! And it's not over!!! HOFF Isn't he great, folks? But this guy next is a true LEGEND! From the realm of Norse mythology...THOR ODINSON!! The crowd doesn't know what to think as a well-built, large man wearing a viking helmet comes out to ringside. The man, with lightning bolts on his tights, actually THROWS foam lightning bolts into the crowd as he comes to the ring. COACH Now, this guy looks impressive!! Thor Odinson walks down to the ring, actually yelling at Hoff...when he trips. Hoff laughs. CABOOSE (nearly crying) Oh, man...WHOOPS! Ha!! Guess he slipped!! COLE Maybe not the most athletic man around. Hoff smiles and clears his throat again. HOFF And, of course, ladies and gentlemen, no International Amnesty exhibition would be complete without my good friend....IGOR STOYANOVICH!!! The crowd actually POPS as the lights go down, and the Soviet National Anthem plays. Out walks Igor Stoyanovich, dressed in an OAOAST T-shirt and red tights with a hammer-and-sickle logo. Igor looks startled as he gazes over the crowd. "IGOR!! IGOR!! IGOR!!" COACH I can't believe it!! COLE Igor Stoyanovich?! Folks, if you recall, this man was the patsy at Hoff's last international event and-- CABOOSE COLE! He was Hoff's GUEST, and, well, things...went awry. COLE Yeah, they sure did. Igor smiles and walks down to the ring, stopping at the ramp. With the other nine international stars looking on, Igor looks up at Hoff, his face showing fear. The Soviet Anthem stops and the lights go up as Hoff smiles softly. COLE This poor Igor, is so simple... CABOOSE Cole, he might be mentally handicapped. COLE Well... Hoff turns to the crowd. HOFF Now, before this all goes down, I have to address my buddy here. (To Igor) Igor, my man...how ya doin? Igor looks spooked, and the fans jeer, but Hoff smiles. HOFF Igor, Igor, relax. Now, listen. I know that last time didn't really go as planned. Let's face it, I was a jerk. But I was stressed out! I'm sorry for what I did. Can you forgive me? The fans boo, shout no, but Igor remains unmoving. HOFF Igor, don't you want to have a shot at the World Championship? Igor's eyes light up, and he nods slightly. Hoff smiles and laughs. HOFF Then come on in here, ya big goof! Igor slides into the ring, shaking Hoff's hand and jumping up and down!! HOFF All right, let's get this thing started!! Hoff flips the microphone out of the ring, and the remaining combatants slide into the ring. One of the officialls calls for the bell, and Hoff immediately levels Igor with a clothesline! COLE Aw, come on! CABOOSE Heh heh. Igor falls, and the brawl erupts! Union Jack charges at Deutsch Mark with his flag, but Mark kicks him and Jack drops the flag. Mil Mascara shoves Tipsy McShamrock, and the old Irishman slaps him back. Dorito and Taquito kick at Earth Spirit's legs, and Tiger Dragon locks up with Thor Odinson. COACH Well here we go! As Igor lies trembling on the mat, Hoff pulls El Dorito off of Earth Spirit, grabs him by the armpits, and tosses him clean out of the ring! COACH Wow! COLE Yeah, what a shock. Hoff gloats, until El Taquito pushes him in the knee. Hoff turns and punts the midget superstar. Suddenly, Earth Spirit turns and throws a slow right at Hoff. Hoff blocks it and rips Spirit's mask off, revealing a balding white man. COLE Some spirit warrior! CABOOSE Well, it's a gimmick, Cole. COLE Will you stop. Before the bald spirit can react, Hoff takes the mask and shatters it over Spirit's head, shattering it and sending the man reeling into the ropes. One clothesline later, and Earth Spirit is gone. COACH Ouch! COLE This is reprehensible, even for this man. While Hoff jaws with the fans, Deutsch and Union Jack continue to go at it. Mil Mascara turns around and flaunts his ass to the crowd, allowing Tipsy McShamrock to nail him from behind with the whisky bottle, shattering it to pieces. Mascara falls in a heap, and Tispy yells something derisive about homosexuals. CABOOSE (again laughing) Well, he is a conservative man, is Tipsy. Tipsy pauses to raise the roof, allowing Hoff to grab him from behind and toss him over the top rope. Meanwhile, Tiger Dragon does a series of sommersaults around Thor Odinson, who tries to hit him with the foam lightning bolts. One connects, and Tiger Dragon rolls away, springing to his feet and doing a cartwheel. Thor gives chase, and...trips. The dragon sees this, and spins around five or six times before dropping a leg. CABOOSE The Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur legdrop! What a move!! COLE Caboose, please. CABOOSE No, seriously, I saw that back in '89 at the Egg Dome in Tokyo! Dragon gets to his feet and does more cartwheels. Meanwhile, El Taquito has found his way to the still-on-the-canvas Igor, biting him in the ass. Hoff, seeing this, picks the small man up by the waist, yelling "THAT'S MY FRIEND" to some SERIOUS boos, before tossing the small man over the top rope. COACH Another man down! COLE Yeah, Coach, Hoff is not exactly hurting here. Hoff looks down at Igor and puts a boot to his back, drawing an astonishing amount of heat from the fans, before heading to where Deutsch Mark and Union Jack are still brawling. A little too close to the ropes, it turns out, as Hoff uses both arms to clothesline both men over the ropes and to the floor. COACH Five left! COLE You are way too into this, Coach. COACH This is great! Igor tries to pick himself up, but is met by some VERY small stomps from Mil Mascara that send him down anyway. Hoff, meanwhile, approaches the acrobatic Tiger Dragon, casually tossing him into a corner. Tiger hits hard and buckles at the knees, as Hoff pulls Thor Odinson to his feet. Thor reaches into his tights and pulls put a lighting bolt and throws it at Hoff at point-blank range. The foam bolt bounces harmlessly off Hoff's chest, and Thor yells "YEEEEEEEEAH!!!!!!!!" before being clotheslined over the top. CABOOSE (gasping for air) Oh...oh...WHAT A MOVE by Thor Odinson!! COLE Ugh. COACH FInal Four...HEY WAIT!! Hoff smirks, and urns back to the action...only to step into an Iron Claw to the face from Tiger Dragon!! The crowd POPS!! CABOOSE OH MY GOD!!! That's the CLAWFANG!!! The trademark hold!! COLE Be serious!! CABOOSE I AM!! I saw this hold fist used in 1985 by Doctor Makawakawaka!! A LEGEND!! COLE You're making this up!! CABOOSE Am not! Honest!! Tiger Dragon yells, and Hoff sells the hold...for about a second, before planting a field goal between TD's legs. CABOOSE Okay....maybe I was. HAHAHA!! The crowd jeers as Hoff simply picks Tiger Dragon up by the hair and tosses him over. Suddenly, the crowd pops as Igor gets to his feet! Braving the "deadly" barrage of stomps from Mil Mascara, Igor dodges a limp-wristed punch, grabs Mascara, and actually tosses him out of the ring!! The fans go BANANA!! COACH I can't believe it! COLE Me neither! Igor Stoyanovich, bless his heart, has eliminated Mil Mascara! CABOOSE Oh, yeah, and he's in real good shape now. COLE Well.. Igor pumps his fist in celebration as Hoff claps mockingly. Igor runs to Hoff, telling him what he did, and Hoff smiles and nods vigorously before raising Igor's hand...then pulling him back into a HUGE short-arm clothesline. COLE Come on!! Hoff smiles, pacing around Igor as the young Russian tries to find his feet. Igor gets up, but Hoff immediately grabs him, whips him into the ropes, and SPINEBUSTER~! "BOOOOOOOO" COLE All right, come on Hoff, end this. CABOOSE Ah...man...I have enjoyed this. Hoff looks out to the crowd...and extends his thumb. The boos come in full force as Hoff tilt his thumb slightly up...then points it all the way down. COLE No! Come on, Hoff! CABOOSE The best is yet to come!! Hoff laughs as Igor tries to get up, but falls. Hoff picks him up by the hair, grabbing him in a reverse facelock, and lifting him with ease. Hoff holds Igor up in the reverse suplex position...holds him...then FINALLY drops him on his head with the Future Shock. "BOOOOOOO" "YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK" Hoff kicks his legs out from under Igor, then gets back to his feet, and picks Igor up, bending down and waving bye-bye to the young man before tossing him overe the top rope. The bell rings, and Hoff raises both arms into the air. COLE Well, I hope he's happy with himself. CABOOSE Of course! He won such a...such a hard fought....BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! COLE Despicable. Hoff smiles out to the angry fans.... MACHO SO THERE YOU GO BROTHAS!!!! SNAP INTO IT!! NOW YOU KNOW THE STORY, OOOOH YEEEEAH!!! And be sure to watch this week to see Igor's FIRST MATCH OOOOOH YEEEEEAH!!!!!! MACHO MAN OUT!!!! © 2005 OAOAST Inc.

Oh, God, how did I miss this gem:

I have a question. I d/led Number Munchers (shut up) from that site, and when I play it, it just shuts down after like a minute. Anyone know why this might be happening?

Mole, while you're on eBay, look for some intelligence and wit. If you use Buy It Now, you can often save money.

It was a good run.

I beg of an admin to change Crono's handle to "Ravencrow Neversmile." PLEASE.