Zack Malibu

::Proud that CC likes the Yanks.::

To my OAOAST and Smart Mark Mafia compadre, here's to you, buddy:

As much as I like Chavo, and the other guys in this match, for Eddy to lose the belt while he's on a roll with it is stupid. And a feud with Chavo wouldn't be right, until Chavo's built up some more. Everyone still sees him as a midcarder/Eddy's lackey.

Nice new theme for Tajiri. Anyone think Chavo could show up and help Uncle Eddy tonight? He's due back at Smackdown this week.

It makes sense, though. Austin did fire/stunner him earlier this year. I think I find it to be great simply because it was an UNEXPECTED heel turn. 4 way up now, should be golden!

Well, we make him look like a dick on HeldDOWN~! all the time. I think that's why I find it just as funny. I'm sure Chosun One would attest to that. OMG WWE STEALING IDEAS~!

Is it wrong to say I find this highly entertaining? Heel Coach will rock.

HEEL COACHMAN~?!?!?!?!?!? This is...wow.

I completely forgot to gamble. That's because I forgot the PPV was this weekend. Way to excite me, WWE.

Undertaker must be making up for all that kidnapping and sacrificing he did to Steph 4 years ago.

Backup plan in Bisch's match? Hrm...

I smell a 6 man on RAW...

Isn't one of the Frenchies hurt? Maybe Rob Conway (whatever name he gets) replaces him tonight?

XPW BLOW AWAY~! PPV, aka "Probably Better Than Summerslam" Hosted as always by Jon Ian and Chris English Before the PPV starts, we have a special PPV edition of The C-Breeze with the one and only Jonny C. This guy could draw heat in the North Pole so I need to put him to use as much as I can. Jonny's guest tonight is the new XPW Television Champion, Barry Windham. Barry joins us looking less than sober, chewing on a straw of grass. Jonny C. wants to know why Barry's been stalking Crocodile Dupree lately, and Barry replies that he hasn't. Jonny C. asks the XPW production crew to roll the footage, so they proceed to wheel a push cart with a TV and VCR on it, and play the same footage that we've seen for nearly a month now. Jonny's confronted Barry with the proof, and Barry says that it wasn't him, it was Not Chris Hero. Who's Not Chris Hero? Barry responds that he's not Chris Hero. So then he is The Stalker! No, he used to be though, but that's because Vince would slip him a bottle of Jack with his paycheck each week. So let's get this straight. Barry was the stalker, but he's not Chris Hero. No, Not Chris Hero is Not Chris Hero! Before Jonny C. loses his voice and his mind, Crocodile Dupree runs in, swipes the TV belt out of Barry's hand, and lays him out with it. The fans actually cheer...the previous segment was requiring them to think too hard. OVERALL:57% Jonny C. gains overness from this segment, of course. DON'T CROSS THE CROSS-DRESSER: Mikey Henderson vs Altered Boy Matthew. Match Background: This will be a hardcore bout. The Match: Flying cookie sheet shot by Miracle, blasting Matthew in the face with it. Flying cross body off the top rope! There's a two count on the pin. Miracle drops an elbow...but Altered Boy Matthew moves out of the way. Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Miracle goes down. Implant DDT by Altered Boy Matthew! I will always and forever mark out for that move. There's a two count on the pin. Kitchen sink shot (literally) and Miracle gets floored. Pin, but Miracle is out just before the three count. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Miracle flips out of a Altered Boy Matthew bodyslam attempt. SUPER frankensteiner on Matthew, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Covers for a quick two count. Back heel kick off the second rope, Matthew goes down. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Miracle hits a dropkick on Altered Boy Matthew and gets right back up. Mikey Henderson puts Matthew through a table with a top rope legdrop. Miracle charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Flying elbow from Altered Boy Matthew connects. Springboard dropkick from Altered Boy Matthew. Nicely done. Matt Cross comes running down the aisle and onto the apron! Miracle turns...and is dropped throat-first onto the top rope by Cross! Matt Cross has left Miracle in big trouble. Altered Boy Matthew has Mikey Henderson down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Top Rope Legdrop! 1....2....3. Matthew and Cross put the boots to Mikey Henderson, stomping away on him. My Opinion: I'll give it a *1\2 rating. Consider getting more stars to be the adventure of a lifetime. Get started. So Matt Cross decides that floral print sundresses are comfortable after all, and turns heel to align with the former Alter Boy. So now Matt Cross and a former man of the cross are The Amazin' Cross Dressin' Matthews? Oh lord, I think I just indirectly dubbed their new tag team name. OVERALL:52% (41, 76). Mary Beth Kapowski, Zack Sommers and Sly Slater are backstage, drinking milkshakes and discussing the whole Dylan/Kelly/Matt situation from the final seasons of 90210. Zack thinks that Kelly should have been with Dylan, while Sly thinks she should have stayed with Matt. Dylan. Matt. DYLAN! MATT! Mary Beth steps in before it gets ugly, and asks if they're ready for the Triple Threat Tag Team Title Match. Nothing better than a pre-match soap opera debate to get your blood flowing. OVERALL:71%. The Teen Show Express and Mary Beth Kapowski all gained overness from this segment. TOUGH ENOUGH TEENS TRIPLE THREAT OF SMOOTHNESS FOR THE XPW WORLD TAG TEAM TITLES: Teen Show Express vs Team Tough Enough vs Silva Smooth. Match Background: This will be a triangle bout. Teen Show Express and Team Tough Enough have been feuding recently. Neither team holds an in-ring victory since the feud started. This match is for the XPW Tag Team titles. Teen Show Express have been XPW Tag Team champions since 24 November 2003. The Match: Flying elbow from John Hennigan, grazing the target slightly. Lance Silva gets hip tossed by Hennigan. Tag between John Hennigan and Matt Cappotelli. Face crusher from Cappotelli on Silva sets up for an elbowdrop. Matt Cappotelli hits a shitty missile dropkick on Silva. Cappotelli tags out to John Hennigan. John Hennigan scoops up Silva. Cappotelli bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Tag to GQ Smooth. Smooth hits an arm drag on Hennigan, follows it up with about 3 more and locks in an armbar for good measure. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between John Hennigan and Zack Sommers. Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Smooth goes down. Tag to Matt Cappotelli. Cappotelli takes a NICE hurrancarana from Zack Sommers. Tag to Sly Slater. Sly Slater with an enziguri. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Tag to GQ Smooth. GQ Smooth hits a shitty missile dropkick on Sly. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between Sly Slater and Zack Sommers. Tor-NADO DDT from Zack Sommers, Smooth got planted! GQ Smooth can barely stand. Hang Time! 1....2....3. My Opinion: All you deserve for this is *. That DOESN'T mean that you're a deputy or a cop or whatever. Matt sets him up for an elbowdrop, but goes for a missle dropkick? Of COURSE it was a shitty missle dropkick, how the hell can you dropkick someone if they're on the Matt. Guess Bob Holly should have been rougher on you, kid. The members of the Four Whore's Men get screwed again, and not in the sense they're used to. Looks like they've got some sucking up to do (no pun intended. Seriously.) if they expect to be on the new Head Bitch, Nidia's, good side. OVERALL:52% (47, 69). HAVE A MIXED DRINK WITH THIS MIXED TAG, YOU'LL NEED IT: Kaos and XTC vs Swinger and Alicia. Match Background: Kaos and Swinger have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. Kaos is the reigning XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion, and has been since 03 November 2003. The Match: Kick to the gut from Alicia, who sadly, was even able to botch THAT. Alicia hits a shaky delayed suplex on XTC. If I were XTC, I'd be too hesistant to let someone like that pick me up over their head. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between Alicia and Swinger. Swinger \ Alicia hook up XTC, then hit a double suplex. Swinger hits a rolling kick on XTC. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Covers for a quick two count. Spinning back kick from Swinger. XTC counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Swan Dive headbutt from XTC but without much elevation on the leap. Tag between XTC and Kaos. Implant DDT by Kaos! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Flying reverse elbow by Kaos. Swinger pushes out of a Kaos hold. Tag between Swinger and Alicia. Flying elbow off the top rope by Alicia, but there was NO elevation off the leap. Alicia blasts Kaos with a superkick, but it sucked royally. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! HARD Chop by Alicia on Kaos. Kaos kicks Alicia in the gut to reverse the momentum. Spinning bulldog in the corner and Alicia is down! Kaos has Alicia down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Kaostrify!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over. Kaos \ XTC climb opposite turnbuckles, working the crowd as they celebrate their victory. My Opinion: A DUD here would have actually been generous! -* The reason there was no elevation on Alicia's elbow is because she fell off the ropes. Throwing her arms out were supposed to break her fall, not hit the opponent. What she's got in charisma she's lacking in the workrate department. This match was just an excuse to move the Kaos/Swinger feud along, but after this display, I think my fans would rather jab at their retinas with thumbtacks. Remind me not to have any "Free Sharp Object" nights at these cards. OVERALL:45 (53, 45). Swinger and Alicia lose overness. Kaos and XTC gained overness. RESIDENTS OF A DEEP, DARK PLACE DUEL: Abyss vs Steve Bradley. Match Background: None. The Match: Flying shoulder tackle by Bradley sends Abyss CRASHING to the mat. Massive backbreaker on Abyss and I get happy flashbacks to Bret Hart's Five Moves of DOOM. Hooks the leg for a two count. Bradley walks into a drop toe hold. Bradley gets slammed down hard and winces in pain. BIG clothesline on Bradley. There's a two count on the pin. DEATH VALLEY DRIVAH~! by Abyss just KILLS Steve Bradley! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Abyss with a spinning neckbreaker on Bradley. Bradley kicks Abyss in the gut to reverse the momentum. Bradley hits a piledriver on Abyss. That used to end matches, you know. Covers for a quick two count. Death valley driver (not to be confused with the DVD 500) by Steve Bradley connects and Abyss is down! Pin, but Abyss is out just before the three count. Running knee lift from Steve Bradley. Bradley scoops and slams Abyss. What's the difference between a scoop slam and a body slam anyway? Steve Bradley misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Running knee lift from Abyss. Powerbomb on Bradley. Steve Bradley is in trouble. Here it comes - Sidewalk Slam. 1....2...3, it's finished. My Opinion: It was close to a ** match, but I just can't stand too many blown spots. *3/4 Death Valley Drivers and powerbombs are not enough to lay each other out, but Bradley gets floored by a Sidewalk Slam. Somewhere, the Boss Man weeps. Both of these men reside in places that would turn any natural human off (Abyss from, well, an Abyss, and Bradley from Lizzy's genitalia). It was only natural to stick them together. Bradley hasn't been feelin' it as a face, and with Lizzy gone, his reasons for living fade by the day. I'd point him in the direction of a nice looking hooker, but he can't afford that on his check. OVERALL:58 (57, 74). Abyss gained overness. Steve Bradley lost overness. DOWN SOUTH VS. DOWN UNDER FOR THE XPW TELEVISION TITLE: Barry Windham vs Crocodile Dupree. Match Background: This match is for the XPW Television title. Barry Windham has been XPW Television champion since 15 December 2003. The Match: BIG clothesline on Windham. Spear by Crocodile Dupree. Hooks the leg for a two count. Barry Windham avoids a Crocodile Dupree avalanche by getting out of the damn way! Windham strikes away at Crocodile Dupree, not doing much damage at all. Barry Windham hits a right hand on Crocodile Dupree. There's a two count on the pin. Windham DDTs Crocodile Dupree. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Big kick from Windham staggers Croc but that's about it. Croc blocks a kick from Barry Windham. Spear by Crocodile Dupree. There's a two count on the pin. DEATH VALLEY DRIVAH~! by Crocodile Dupree just KILLS Barry Windham! Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Bodyslam by Croc. Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Crocodile Dupree ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Crocodile Dupree misses a clothesline. Croc gets splashed in the corner. Flapjack from Windham on Croc. Not Chris Hero comes running down the aisle and onto the apron! Croc turns...and is dropped throat-first onto the top rope by Hero! Not Chris Hero has left Croc in big trouble. Barry Windham moves in for the kill. Here it comes - Lariat. 1....2...3, it's finished. Crocodile Dupree has a temper tantrum, kicking the ropes and punching the turnbuckles. My Opinion: I'll give a 3/4 star rating, but only if you promise to improve as a booker. Barry might be a face, but at least now the people know he's not just saying he's not Chris Hero. Well, only Chris Hero is Chris Hero, but who's Not Chris Hero? No, Who was Jim Neidhart, not Chris Hero. I could go on and on with this Who's On First routine, but then the Neidhart jokes would overcome the Chris Hero jokes, and it would throw me off course from this feud. Yes, their is still an idea behind it, believe it or not. OVERALL: 54% (68, 63). The XPW TV Title has gained in image. A hype video for the Paul London/Air Paris match plays. It's actually someone using two of the old LJN wrestlers with London and Paris' faces glued onto them. How can I tell? Since when does Paul London dress like SD Jones? OVERALL:64% DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE (VIDEO, THAT IS), LONDON'S NOT THAT TAN MATCH FOR THE XPW WORLD TITLE: Paul London vs Air Paris. Match Background: London and Paris have been feuding recently. So far, London hasn't managed to get a pin or submission over Paris since the feud started. This match is for the XPW World title. Paul London has been XPW World champion since 28 September 2003. The Match: STIFF high kick on Paris by Paul London. Standing leg lariat by Paul London on Paris. London uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Paris takes a flying neckbreaker from Paul London. Air Paris elbows Paul London in the face to break a hammerlock. Air Paris hits a rolling kick on London. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Super kick by Air Paris. Covers for a quick two count. Paul London elbows Air Paris in the face to break a hammerlock. Flying cross body off the top rope! Hooks the leg for a two count. Paris walks into a face crusher variation. Has anyone's face ever really been crushed by one though? Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Paris flips out of a Paul London bodyslam attempt. Paris just WAFFLES London with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Paul London once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Second rope flying axe handle, Paris goes down. One day, London might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Paul London has Air Paris down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Off the top - London Calling, forget about it. 1....2...3! My Opinion: Good bout. In my estimation, it's about ***3/4. London actually seemed to be motivated, eh? Working under Lizzy is enough to make tasteful men cringe, but Nidia's not that bad, yet. Sure her muff looks like a fertilized Chia Pet, but who doesn't enjoy going to their dentist for a haircut? Paris might have lost here, but you can bet that this one is far from over. The network wants at least SOME talent on this roster, y'know. OVERALL:69 (66, 88). The XPW World Title has gained in image. OVERALL SHOW RATING:59%. .24 buyrate 3513 people who saw Altered Boy Matthew and Matt Cross and thought it was a stageplay of La Cauge Aux Folles. $600000 in PPV revenue $105390 in merchandise sales

XPW Monday Nightmare for December 15, 2003 Crocodile Dupree is already in the ring, and he's disgusted by the perverted actions of his stalker last week. Though that was the stalker's one slip up, as now Dupree is requesting a lineup of all XPW talent. He noticed a birthmark and could spot that pecker if given the chance, and then he'd find out who the culprit is. I'd use the excuse that this is a family show, but Walt Disney would rise from the grave and hack his arms off. Some random music hits, most likely whatever was found on the seats of a fan's car (not our fault they don't lock the doors) and out comes Barry Windham! Hey, c'mon...Crocodile Dupree has a stalker, and everyone overlooks the obvious choice! And for those who say "but that doesn't go along with the angle of Croc facing off with American heroes", I've got two words for you. U.S. Express. Windham storms the ring and chases Croc off, who's in shock that he was so stupid to not realize that his stalker was The Stalker. OVERALL:67% JEWANESE VS. PUSH US, PLEASE: Barry Horowitz and Jinsei Shinzaki vs Team Tough Enough. Match Background: Hennigan and Cappotelli are teaming up as Team Tough Enough for the first time tonight. The Match: Standing leg lariat by Jinsei Shinzaki on Hennigan. Second rope flying axe handle, Hennigan goes down. One day, Shinzaki might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Hooks the leg for a two count. Hennigan counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Hennigan hits a dropkick on Jinsei Shinzaki. Actually, it barely touched! John Hennigan uses a running dropkick into the corner. That was just...ugh. Hennigan tags out to Matt Cappotelli. Matt Cappotelli blasts Shinzaki with a superkick. Jinsei Shinzaki pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Shinzaki tags out to Barry Horowitz. Barry Horowitz DOESN'T take a page out of Andre the Giant's book and hits an incredibly weak headbutt on Cappotelli. Boring brawling from Barry Horowitz is the cure for insomnia. Hooks the leg for a two count. Barry Horowitz hits a shaky delayed suplex on Cappotelli. If I were Cappotelli, I'd be too hesistant to let someone like that pick me up over their head. Horowitz tags out to Jinsei Shinzaki. Back heel kick off the second rope, Cappotelli goes down. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Shinzaki goes for a splash but Cappotelli puts the knees up. Shinzaki takes a hard, stinging chop from Cappotelli. One word: Ow. Cappotelli tags out to John Hennigan. Flying elbow from John Hennigan, grazing the target slightly. Jinsei Shinzaki is in big trouble...Tough Luck!! 1....2....3! Team Tough Enough nod at each other...and they attack Shinzaki \ Horowitz! The element of surprise works in their favour, and they have soon left Shinzaki \ Horowitz down and out on the canvas. My Opinion: DUD. I refuse to say any more about it. Element of surprise? Stevie Wonder could have seen a post-match attack coming. Shinzaki might feel biased against, and rightfully so, since he ruined that whole "WWF Dream Team" idea by actually having talent and not wanting to be saddled down with Windham. WWE lawyers might come calling later, when XPW is actually considered a force in the wrestling world, but for now Matt and John are using Team Tough Enough. Because watching them once is tough enough...now deal with the push. OVERALL:49% (47, 52). Speaking of Tough Enough, here's Head Bitch Nidia, as in "it's tough enough to look at her face without puking". Nevermind the revealing outfits. Nidia invites Air Paris and Paul London into her office, and says that she's signing a match between the two for this coming Sunday at Blow Away. London begs for her to make it a "loser gets fired" match, but Nidia doesn't want to risk losing London. She's got plans for him, and that makes the XPW World Champion wince. Last time he heard those words Lizzy showed up in a gimp mask weilding a pink dildo. The soreness never really went away. OVERALL: 73% Kaos and XTC are backstage, psyching each other up for their mixed tag match at Blow Away against Swinger and Alicia. This involves lots of ass-slapping, nipple-twisting and ear licking, so let's not even bother telling them the cameras running. Go ahead kids, continue as if we're not even here. OVERALL:52% HE'S THE STALKER? WHAT A CROCK XPW TV TITLE MATCH: Barry Windham vs Crocodile Dupree. Match Background: This match is for the XPW Television title. Crocodile Dupree has been XPW Television champion since 19 October 2003. The Match: Wack kick from Windham. Croc hits a punch, but takes one right back. Again! A slugfest erupts in the ring! Croc takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Croc takes a vertical suplex, but pops right back up. Croc ducks a wild right hand. Barry Windham charges into the corner, but EATS BOOT and staggers backward. Crocodile Dupree hits a bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Croc drops an elbow...but Barry Windham moves out of the way. Powerslam from Barry Windham on Croc. There's a two count on the pin. Side suplex from Windham. Pin, but Croc is out just before the three count. Croc blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Crocodile Dupree hits some punches. How generic. Windham blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Crocodile Dupree takes a right hand to the temple from Windham. Not Chris Hero comes running down the aisle and into the ring! Crocodile Dupree turns around. Not Chris Hero spins Croc around. Not Chris Hero hits the Top Rope Splash! Hero leaves the ring, the damage done! Cover gets three for Barry Windham, Croc got pinned. Not Chris Hero pushes the referee aside, then continues to assault Croc! Right hands rain down on Crocodile Dupree, pounding him into the canvas. Satisfied with his work, Not Chris Hero turns and leaves the ring, the damage done. My Opinion: When I give out 3/4*, it means that I'm being REALLY nice about it. Wack kick by Barry Windham? Them boys from Sweetwater know how to get down. This match had more suplexes than Tazz vs. Benoit, and with only 1/3 the talent. As for the interference, you wanna know who Not Chris Hero is? Well, he's Not Chris Hero, that's for sure. What? He's not? Not Chris Hero, that is. OVERALL:60% (58, 63). The XPW Television Title has gained in overness. Not Chris Hero debuted his gimmick to a positive response. OVERALL SHOW RATING:60% .13 349 $6980 The next day, Paul London requested to work with Swinger, feeling that they could do good work together. Methinks Paul knows Swinger's in the midst of a push, and is willing to risk his body for a greater good. Y'know, other than being doused in honey and tickled with feather dusters. Back soon with the final PPV of 2003, XPW Blow Away~! I've really gotta get the hang of the set dates, but it's tough to build with a graveyard show and 5 slots. At any rate, here's the card so far for XPW Blow Away: XPW World Title Match: Paul London ©vs. Air Paris XPW World Tag Team Title Match Teen Show Express © vs. Silva Smooth vs. Team Tough Enough Mixed Tag Team Match: Kaos and XTC vs. Swinger and Alicia

Ranked on the "bleh" to "yay" ratio of WWE women.

XPW Monday Nightmare for December 8, 2003 We open the show with bad news this week, as perennial crowd favorite "Head Bitch" Lizzy Borden has been sent to rehab. Remember how Bob Saget said he sucked dick for coke? Well, Lizzy sucked coke for dick, and that shit cleaned out her pipes like Draino. That could be a good thing when it comes to her, now that I think of it. At any rate, someone needed to cover for her while she's away, and I've found the perfect person. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new Head Bitch of XPW...NIDIA~! Nidia comes out, still dressed in the Jamie Noble trailer trash gimmick gear. Hey who ever said it was a gimmick? She'll fit in quite nicely. Nidia's going to take this federation by the balls, and it's going to start tonight. Lizzy would appreciate the enthusiasm. Tonight, she's putting Rodney Mack up against Steve Bradley after what happened last week on the show, and she's DEMANDING that the stalker who's been stalking Crocodile Dupree reveal himself to the world TONIGHT! OVERALL:77%. Nidia gained overness from this segment. God Bless the trailer park demographic. TITLE MATCH OF TAG TEAMS THAT DON'T COMPLAIN: Teen Show Express vs Silva Smooth. Match Background: This match is for the XPW Tag Team titles. Teen Show Express have been XPW Tag Team champions since 24 November 2003. The Match: Zack Sommers kicks the leg, knocks Smooth down, and goes to work on it. Flying elbow from Zack Sommers connects. Hooks the leg for a two count. Zack tags out to Sly Slater. Teen Show Express whip Smooth into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Covers for a quick two count. Flying elbow from Sly Slater, grazing the target slightly. GQ Smooth pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Back heel kick from Smooth on Sly. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tag to Lance Silva. SUPER frankensteiner on Sly, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Implant DDT by Lance Silva! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Sly counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Flying elbow from Sly Slater, grazing the target slightly. Tag between Sly Slater and Zack Sommers. STIFF high kick on Silva by Zack Sommers. Silva tags out to GQ Smooth. Second rope flying axe handle, Smooth goes down. One day, Zack might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. As Sly and Smooth get into a brawl on the outside, Matt Cappotelli comes running down into the ring! Zack Sommers gets grabbed, and they start brawling. Smooth takes some shots at Zack as well. The referee, seeing the chaos, calls for a no contest ruling. We have three sets of grapplers in the ring, as Teen Show Express, Silva Smooth and Cappotelli \ Hennigan look at each other. Before the inevitable brawl erupts, a host of referees hit the ring to keep them apart. My Opinion: Sadly, a 1\2* match. Nidia's impact is felt in the first match, as fellow Tough Enough winners and WWE rejects Matt and John debut. I hear they've also cast Jackie Gayda in a porno, and Abyss and Darryl from T.E. will do battle in a match where to win you need to put deoderant on your opponent. I'm copyrighting that before it winds up a gimmick in the A-Train vs. Undertake feud. OVERALL:54% (45, 63). Matt Cappotelli debuted his "Evolution" gimmick to a positive response, thus making him worlds better than Randy Orton. The XPW World Tag Team Titles have gained in overness. Crocodile Dupree is standing around again. Actually, Dupree has been on vacation, which explains why the same footage has been used time and time again. XPW knew the fans were catching on however, so tonight they've stopped doing that. Instead, there's a cardboard standout of Croc backstage. Suddenly, a masked man spears it, and an audio clip of Jim Ross shouting "HE FOLDED HIM IN HALF, BAH GAWD" plays over the scene. The masked man stands above him, and with his back to the camera, drops his pants and waves something around in his hands. The Stalker has just revealed himself to Crocodile Dupree! OVERALL:65%. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR RUINING MY DREAM TEAM SINGLES MATCH: Jinsei Shinzaki vs Swinger. Match Background: None. The Match: Spin kick by Jinsei Shinzaki to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Super kick by Jinsei Shinzaki. Covers for a quick two count. Swinger pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. STIFF high kick on Shinzaki by Swinger. Swinger uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Covers for a quick two count. Power drive elbow by Swinger. That sounds like a feature on a 4 x 4, doesn't it. Pin, but Shinzaki is out just before the three count. Swinger hits a rolling kick on Shinzaki. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Shinzaki blocks a punch. Swinger takes a NICE hurrancarana from Jinsei Shinzaki. Covers for a quick two count. Vicious kick to the teeth from Jinsei Shinzaki. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Flying elbow from Jinsei Shinzaki connects. Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Swinger goes down. Jinsei Shinzaki misses a clothesline. Spin kick by Swinger to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Tiger suplex on Shinzaki. No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, Bloody Hell! Swinger moves in for the kill. Swing Thing!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Kaos comes running down the aisle, and gets into the ring! Kaos slams Swinger down. Kaos climbs to the top rope and hits the Kaostrify! Swinger has been left down on the canvas. My Opinion: Ohh, looky. A **3/4 match! Swinger needs a better finisher than the "Swing Thing". Not that the commentary is great to begin with but hearing the announcer say "He hit him with his thing!" has no place in this company, save for the previous segment. OVERALL:71 (56, 86). OF PRIDE AND PUSSY: Steve Bradley vs Rodney Mack. Match Background: None. The Match: Mack hits a right hand. Bradley is a glutton for punishment and just continues to take it during this match. Rude Awakening neckbreaker on Steve Bradley by Mack. Remember when that was a legit finish? BIG clothesline on Bradley. Bradley blocks a kick from Rodney Mack. Steve Bradley with a spinning neckbreaker on Mack. Mack walks into a side slam. Think about how much talent it takes to side slam someone. Nash can do it. Covers for a quick two count. Rodney Mack powers out of a Steve Bradley headlock. Rodney Mack hits a bulldog off the ropes. There's a two count on the pin. Rodney Mack scores with a standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Bradley reverses a Rodney Mack hammerlock. Trying to channel the spirit of Misawa, Steve Bradley ends up chanelling Lex Luger instead and nails a running forearm to the face, minus the steel plate, of course. Steve Bradley gets taken down out of nowhere! Fallaway slam by Rodney Mack puts down Steve Bradley. Mack whips Bradley into the turnbuckles...and the ref is crushed! Steve Bradley knocks Mack to the outside, then signals for the Roll The Dice. He reaches out of the ring for Rodney Mack...and gets clobbered with the ring bell! Right to the head! The referee wakes up to see Mack sliding in and making the pinfall: 1....2....3! Forget about it. My Opinion: When I give out 3/4*, it means that I'm being REALLY nice about it. Bradley takes one right hand, and Dames praises him as Ricky Morton's illegitimate son? You make these matches sound too good, Dames. Hope no one sues your ass for false advertising. Nothing says main event like two guys battling over the rights to pound the poon of a sex addicted coke fiend (or was that coke addicted sex fiend? I'm confused), and you can bet this one is far from over. OVERALL:61 (57, 65). 64% OVERALL RATING .14 356 $7120

XPW Monday Nightmare for December 1, 2003 ONE OF THESE GUYS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS TRIPLE THREAT MATCH: Altered Boy Matthew vs Matt Cross vs Mikey Henderson. Match Background: This will be an elimination bout. The Match: Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Cross goes down. Matthew walks into a high dropkick from Mikey Henderson, almost losing several teeth in the process. Cross counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Cross crushes Miracle with a running senton. Flying reverse elbow by Matt Cross. There's a two count on the pin. DDT from the top rope by Mikey Henderson. That looked KILLER. Cover gets three for Mikey Henderson, Cross got pinned. Miracle just WAFFLES Matthew with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Spinning bulldog in the corner and Matthew is down! Covers for a quick two count. Altered Boy Matthew fights out of a grapple. Springboard dropkick from Altered Boy Matthew. Nicely done. Altered Boy Matthew has Mikey Henderson down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Top Rope Legdrop! 1....2....3. My Opinion: All you deserve for this is *. That DOESN'T mean that you're a deputy or a cop or whatever. Big win for Altered Boy Matthew to kick off his XPW push, as he wins over two talented individuals who could be onto bigger and better things. I like to call them "undercard filler". OVERALL:54 (35, 74) Why does XPW continue to show this same "Crocodile Dupree gets stalked" footage? Does anyone actually...hey wait, this is new...some guy just ran in and attacked Dupree, then squealed "Boogey Oogey Woogey" as he stood above him. So the stalker is Jimmy Valiant? OVERALL:68% Welcome to another edition of the C-Breeze, hosted by that King of Charisma, Jonny C. Jonny's guest this week is former partner in the Four Whore's Men Steve Bradley, who has something to say for Jonny, GQ Smooth and Lance Silva. He came here because he knows he and Jonny are friends, and Jonny would never, ever set him up. No, not at all. Steve apparently hasn't paid attention to the roster page, because he turned full on face last week. Not that you'd be able to tell by fan reactions (or lack thereof). Jonny taunts Bradley by waving a Poloraid of Lizzy spread eagle on an air mattress, leaving him prone to an attack by...Rodney Mack! Looks like Lizzy Borden has sacked the Mack, and he's out to play "big badass boyfriend who attacks the simpleton that used to go out with her". OK, I'm copying way too many storylines from PG-13 teen movies now. OVERALL:59% Jonny C. gains overness, as expected. Speaking of charisma, the lovely Alicia and Swinger are backstage, fixing their dress and zipping their pants, respectively. Did someone put aphrodisiac in the water cooler or something? Hey, it happened in one of those Vice Academy movies. Alicia has words for Kaos, and those words are "cephalothin", "fluocinolone", and "lammergeier". Go ahead, try and spell them, she dares you! (Yes, I busted out a Webster's in order to do the previous segment. Anyone who debates the effort I put into these shows can bite my crank.) OVERALL:81%. Alicia debuted her "Girl Power" gimmick to a positive response. I think the crowd thought that it means she's a lesbian, so that might be a mistake. Don't quote me on that. DIG THAT CRAZY MAIN EVENT SCENE, MAN: Kaos and Paul London vs Swinger and Air Paris. Match Background: London and Paris have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. Kaos and Swinger have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. Paul London is the reigning XPW World champion, and has been since 28 September 2003. Kaos is the reigning XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion, and has been since 03 November 2003. The Match: Implant DDT by Paul London! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Swinger takes a NICE hurrancarana from Paul London. There's a two count on the pin. Tag between Paul London and Kaos. Kaos \ London hook up Swinger, then hit a double suplex. Kaos hits a rolling kick on Swinger. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Hooks the leg for a two count. STIFF high kick on Swinger by Kaos. Swinger kicks Kaos in the gut to reverse the momentum. Back heel kick off the second rope, Kaos goes down. Tag between Swinger and Air Paris. Flying elbow from Air Paris connects. Paris crushes Kaos with a running senton. Kaos backdrops Air Paris out of a piledriver attempt. That took a lot out of Kaos. Tag to Paul London. London crushes Paris with a running senton. Back heel kick off the second rope, Paris goes down. Cover, ONE...TWO...NO! I honestly thought that match was going to end right then and there. Spinning back kick from Paul London. Paris powers out of a headlock. Flying cross body off the top rope! Paul London grabs Air Paris from behind and shoves him into the ropes, then scores with a roll-up...but Paris rolls through with the move! He is using the tights for leverage! 1....2...3! The referee didn't see it! Swinger \ Paris climb opposite turnbuckles, working the crowd as they celebrate their victory. My Opinion: **1/4 rating for this one. Scott Keith may say that it's 'Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling', but not for me, buddy. Got to work harder to impress me. I know I've got to work harder for you Dames. Keith's gimmick me nWo Nash flashbacks with all his "Buy the Book" nonsense. Onto important matters, Air Paris scores a victory over Paul London, and Paul's willing to hand the title over to him now and be on his merry way. Not so fast Paul, this was a tag match, not a title match. XPW-even we have regulations. OVERALL:70 (60, 80). OVERALL RATING:67% .13 rating 355 people $7100 in ticket sales. I know this diary was a bit slow, but that's because I did the event at the beginning of the week, and lost any witty comments I had planned. Told you this was a work in progress. Back later with more XPW goodness.

AJ STYLES VS RAVEN NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH AJ Styles puts his NWA World Heavyweight Title on the line against his toughest challenger to date...Raven. These two have met before, and Raven proved he could beat Styles in a #1 Contender Ladder Match earlier this year. This time Raven is going for the gold, and earned the title shot with his win in last week's Lucky 13 Gauntlet Match. THE AMERICAN DREAM DUSTY RHODES VS GLENN GILBERTI BULLROPE MATCH Nobody has competed in more Bullrope matches than The American Dream Dusty Rhodes, and he's in another one this week against Glenn Gilberti, who has been claiming to be the master of the Bullrope. Gilberti has been known to let his mouth get him in trouble before, and he's probably done it again this time! AMERICA'S MOST WANTED VS SIMON DIAMOND & JOHNNY SWINGER NWA WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH After defeating AMW last week in a non-title match, Diamond & Swinger are going into this title match with the confidence that they can beat Harris & Storm. The feud between these two teams has gone on for several weeks and with the titles on the line this match should be another great one. MICHAEL SHANE VS JERRY LYNN X TITLE MATCH Michael Shane defends his newly won X Title against one of the men who put the X Division on the map last year, Jerry Lynn. Director of Authority Erik Watts has awarded Lynn the title shot despite the recent problems Lynn has had with Don Callis, and believes it's only fair that Lynn get a shot at the title he helped make so special. D-LO BROWN VS SONNY SIAKI Sonny Siaki tried (and failed) to bury D-LO Brown's career last week. This week, D-LO will be looking to shut Siaki up once and for all. SANDMAN VS ABYSS These two had quite an exchange during last week's Gauntlet match, and will be facing each other this time in a one on one matchup. 3 LIVE KREW VS SHANE DOUGLAS & THE NEW CHURCH (with James Mitchell) Douglas & The New Church have been on quite a rampage lately. 3 Live Krew has been impressive lately and definitely has the support of fans in the Asylum. This six man tag match looks to be an entertaining one. All this and much more, this Wednesday night...only on pay-per-view. Find out what Total Nonstop Action is all about!

Hey, I don't need Backyard Billy PMing me every 5 seconds when he creates a new name.

He's back as Phoenix.

Hawaii WAS great. Between Colin the reject joining the show last minute, the alchoholic lesbian/bisexual Ruthie and her misadventures, and hothothot Amaya, it was my favorite season.

I still owe you $5 though.

...aaaaaaaaaaaand... Sayonara, Stennick.

H U S S