XPW STUFFED PPV
Why stuffed?
November PPV. Thanksgiving time. People are stuffed.
Tried to fit most people on the roster on this show. So the card is stuffed.
Lizzy Borden is a slut. Her orifices are typically stuffed.
Hosted by Jon Ian, Chris English
Before the show begins, we cut to the back, where Crocodile Dupree is being stalked. Again. In fact, this is the same exact segment from last week just with new added bonus footage of, well, nothing. Croc just kinda stood around after the stalker bit and picked his nose. That's actually probably the most sanitary thing that could happen backstage at an XPW show.
OVERALL:66%.
SOUNDS LIKE TWO JUNIOR HIGH KIDS FACING OFF:
Matt Cross vs Mikey Henderson.
Match Background: Miracle is making his debut at this show.
The Match: Spinning back kick from Matt Cross. Matt Cross kicks the leg, knocks Miracle down, and goes to work on it. THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Implant DDT by Matt Cross! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Miracle powers out of a headlock. Flying elbow from Mikey Henderson connects. Miracle crushes Cross with a huge legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. Matt Cross is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Cross crushes Miracle with a huge legdrop. There's a two count on the pin. DDT from the top rope by Matt Cross. That looked KILLER. Pin, but Miracle is out just before the three count. Mikey Henderson powers out of a Matt Cross headlock. Cross walks into a high dropkick from Mikey Henderson, almost losing several teeth in the process. Matt Cross comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Miracle takes a flying neckbreaker from Matt Cross. Mikey Henderson gets knocked to the ground by Cross, who is already climbing the turnbuckle. Off the top - Leap of Faith, forget about it. 1....2...3! Alter Boy Matthew has a chair. Cross turns and takes a brutal shot to the head. Miracle is next to take a hard shot. Matthew has demolished everyone!
My Opinion: Usually, this is designated for good matches that were usually way too short for some reason. What's your excuse? *3/4
Where did Matthew come from? And why is he dressed like a female Avril Lavigne mark? Dames didn't seem to know either, and probably doesn't want to know. Looks like the loss of a God push has driven him over the edge. I'd make the requisite "he and Lizzy are both always on their knees" joke, but then people would get confused and think that he's gay, or that she's a saint. Neither is true. For now.
OVERALL:58 (34, 82). Mikey Henderson lost overness. Matt Cross gained overness.
THROWAWAY SIX MAN SO THESE GUYS WERE ON THE SHOW:
Zack Sommers, Sly Slater, and Marty Jannetty vs Abyss, Dunn, and Marcos.
Match Background: None.
The Match: STIFF high kick on Sly by Dunn. Spin kick by Dunn to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Dunn tags out to Abyss. Running knee lift from Abyss. Full nelson slam on Sly. Covers for a quick two count. Tag between Abyss and Marcos. Abyss \ Marcos whip Sly into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Sly takes a hard, stinging chop from Marcos. One word: Ow. Sly Slater once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Sly Slater arm drags Marcos over and locks on an armbar. Tag to Zack Sommers. Second rope flying axe handle, Marcos goes down. One day, Zack might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Springboard dropkick from Zack Sommers. Nicely done. Pin, but Marcos is out just before the three count. Zack hits a dropkick on Marcos and gets right back up. Tag between Zack Sommers and Marty Jannetty. Jannetty hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Jannetty uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Marcos comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Tag to Dunn. Jannetty takes a flying neckbreaker from Dunn. Tag between Marty Jannetty and Sly Slater. Sly Slater strikes Dunn. Sly tries to channel the power of Kawada, but ends up channeling the power of Trish Stratus instead by hitting a high kick on Dunn. Dunn is in trouble. Kazstrator 2.0! 1....2....3.
My Opinion: I'll give it a *1\2 rating. Consider getting more stars to be the adventure of a lifetime. Get started.
Nah, the adventure of a lifetime in XPW would involve escaping Lizzy Borden as she chased you clad in nothing but a strap-on and weilding a vibrator not unlike the one George Kennedy picked up in Naked Gun 2 1/2. But I'm glad you liked the match Dames. Your check is in the mail, wink wink.
OVREALL:61 (49, 74).
Backstage, a limousine pulls up, and out steps Alicia. She tries to make one of those overly dramatic slow exits from the limo, but the valet jumps out of the drivers seat and yanks her out of the car. He's gotta get this limo back before those people finish dinner!
OVERALL:80% (DAMN!). Alicia gained overness from this segment.
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE TAG TITLE MATCH:
Horowitz and Hakushi vs Silva Smooth.
Match Background: Smooth and Silva are teaming up as Silva Smooth for the first time tonight. Horowitz and Hakushi and Silva Smooth are currently feuding. Neither team holds an in-ring victory since the feud started. This match is for the XPW Tag Team titles. Horowitz and Hakushi have been XPW Tag Team champions since 10 November 2003.
The Match: Jinsei Shinzaki strikes Silva. Jinsei Shinzaki hits a rolling kick on Silva. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Covers for a quick two count. Tag to Barry Horowitz. Horowitz and Hakushi whip Silva into the ropes and hit a double backdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. A powerslam so weak, my grandmother could have performed it, is actually pulled off by Horowitz on Silva. Horowitz charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Flying cross body off the top rope! Hooks the leg for a two count. Silva tags out to GQ Smooth. GQ Smooth uses a running dropkick into the corner. That was just...ugh. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Smooth hits a spinning back kick. All those spinning kicks look alike, don't they. Horowitz blocks a kick from GQ Smooth. A powerslam so weak, my grandmother could have performed it, is actually pulled off by Horowitz on Smooth. Tag to Jinsei Shinzaki. Dropkick connects to the BUTT of the jaw and Smooth goes down. Tag between GQ Smooth and Lance Silva. Shinzaki uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Lance Silva is in trouble. Goku-Raku Gatame!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Silva Smooth don't look like they're finished by any means...and they rush forward to attack Horowitz and Hakushi, and send them to the outside. Threats are exchanged as the chaos ends.
My Opinion: -*. Somehow, you actually took AWAY from any enjoyment I could have had watching this.
NEGATIVE ONE STAR? NEGATIVE...how on earth? Save for Horowitz, everyone is an average/slightly above worker. Methinks Dames is just pissed that he's going down in history as the one man to get rejected by Lizzy Borden. Hell, she even made out with that Pat person from Saturday Night Live, and no one's sure what the hell that thing really is. The next day, I get a letter from Shinzaki that "this team with me and Barry has run it's course. How about breaking us up and giving us a solo run?" Give someone an inch, and they take a mile. My world is shattered.
OVERALL:44 (42, 47). The XPW World Tag Team Titles have gained in overness.
Backstage, Alicia would like to introduce her charge, SWINGER to the XPW ranks. Because one woman in power angle wasn't enough, you see. At least this one isn't a blatant whore. Yet.
OVERALL:81%. Alicia gained overness from this segment. (You go girl!)
DEBUT OF DEATH I QUIT MATCH FOR THE KING OF THE DEATHMATCH TITLE:
Kaos vs Swinger.
Match Background: This will be an I Quit bout. Swinger is making his debut at this show. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Kaos has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 03 November 2003.
The Match: Swinger crushes Kaos with a huge legdrop. Kaos is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. Kaos just WAFFLES Swinger with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Kaos hits a rolling kick on Swinger. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Kaos uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Swinger pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Flying cross body off the top rope! Vicious kick to the teeth from Swinger. Swinger uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! Kaos blocks the suplex attempt and is able to hit the suplex instead! Flying elbow from Kaos connects. Tor-NADO DDT from Kaos, Swinger got planted! Steve Bradley comes running down the aisle with a chair! Swinger goes to irish whip Kaos into the ropes. Bradley prepares to swing the chair...but Kaos reverses! Bradley accidentally smacks Swinger with a chair to the back! Kaos floors Swinger and locks in a STF! The referee asks Swinger....and we have a submission! The match is over. Steve Bradley remains in the ring. Swinger pushes the referee away. Swinger spins Bradley around. Swinger hits the Swing Thing!
My Opinion: *1\2 rating is all it gets from me.
You thought that Swinger would quit cleanly on his first night in the company? Bradley's just becoming a fuckup, first by losing the feud to Kaos, and not exactly faring much better in revenging himself tonight. We went to school twice in that match. Dames should take a refresher course in Composition and get some new material already.
OVERALL:63 (54, 73). King of the Deathmatch Title gains overness.
THIS IS THE PRIDE OF AMERICA THIS WEEK FOR THE XPW TELEVISION TITLE:
Crocodile Dupree vs Bradshaw.
Match Background: Bradshaw is making his debut at this show. This match is for the XPW Television title. Crocodile Dupree has been XPW Television champion since 19 October 2003.
The Match: Croc slams Bradshaw. Crocodile Dupree hits some punches. How generic. Croc scoops and slams Bradshaw. What's the difference between a scoop slam and a body slam anyway? Covers for a quick two count. BAAACK Body drop by Bradshaw gets a bit of a pop from the crowd. Hooks the leg for a two count. Bradshaw once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. Bradshaw strikes Crocodile Dupree. Covers for a quick two count. Bradshaw DDTs Croc, but it just looked terrible. Crocodile Dupree fights out of a grapple. Death valley driver (not to be confused with the DVD 500) by Crocodile Dupree connects and Bradshaw is down! Bradshaw can barely stand. Crocodile Rock!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Bradshaw leaves and walks back down the aisle. Wait...Crocodile Dupree comes running as well, and Bradshaw gets dropped with a clothesline, followed by a load of stomps. He is left lying in the aisle.
My Opinion: -*. Somehow, you actually took AWAY from any enjoyment I could have had watching this.
Another negative star match, but this time it's because Bradshaw pulled a bitchfit about doing the job, and decided to no-sell. Apparently being brought into a company where sodomy is welcome (and often encouraged!) wasn't enough. So down you go, Bradshaw. Hope you like turning tricks in your cowboy hat.
OVERALL:51 (57,40). Bradshaw lost overness from this match. Crocodile Dupree gained overness from this match. The XPW TV Title has gained in image.
THEIR NAMES ARE NATIONALISTIC, BUT THEIR GIMMICKS AREN'T MATCH FOR THE XPW WORLD TITLE:
Air Paris vs Paul London.
Match Background: London and Paris have been feuding recently. Neither has managed to get an in-ring victory in this feud. This match is for the XPW World title. Paul London has been XPW World champion since 28 September 2003.
The Match: London hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. SUPER frankensteiner on Paris, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Hooks the leg for a two count. Air Paris comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Air Paris kicks the leg, knocks London down, and goes to work on it. London takes a flying neckbreaker from Air Paris. SUPER frankensteiner on London, who hit hard and is loopy as a result. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! London takes a NICE hurrancarana from Air Paris. Paul London is able to duck a clothesline attempt and connect with a counter clothesline. London crushes Paris with a running senton. Flying cross body off the top rope! Paul London misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. The bell rings, and this match has come to a time limit draw.
My Opinion: I really shouldn't drink when I'm reviewing matches. Especially with Scotsman, I can't drink nearly as much, so I try too hard. It was either ** or ****, but I guess I'll have to compromise and say ***.
Of all the matches on the card, and he picks the lone above average one to drink during. Keith gave this five stars, but he was drunk too and swore he heard Jon Ian call London "Benoit" at several points. I'll take what I can get though.
OVERALL:74 (63, 86). Air Paris debuted his "Highlight Reel" gimmick to a positive response. The XPW World Title has gained in image.
XPW Stuffed did a .23 buyrate
$575000 in PPV revenue
$107520 in merchandise sales
3584 people attended, but wanted refunds when "Turkey" Lizzy Borden was not "plucked" in mid-ring as advertised. Suckers.
