Zack Malibu

Shit, are things THAT stagnant? AM, get me 3 bottles of tequila, 2 stippers, a whip, a pair of handcuffs, a trapeze and a kidde pool full of Hershey's Syrup STAT!

XPW Monday Nightmare for October 6, 2003 Jonny C. is in the ring to inform us that Lizzy Borden will not be here tonight. Apparently XPW World Champion Paul London was able to pick his locks (with pieces that felt off his belt no less...they did a shoddy job on that thing). Lucky for everybody but Paul, they found him passed out in a phone booth in Reno, but since it's Reno, no one paid much attention. Jonny then welcomes us to his very own interview segment, The C-Breeze! No, not the gusts of wind with faint hints of Lizzy's crotch aroma, but rather "shooting the breeze". His first guests are fellow Whore's Men Steve Bradley, and his rival, Kaos. Bradley brings along some board games he got from his uncle Milton, and asks Kaos to play, but Kaos tips the board over, and asks Bradley where he gets off. Usually in Lizzy's office, as she's bent over the desk howling like Kim Cattral in Porky's. Kaos is sick of Bradley getting ahead by his association with Lizzy, and Bradley retorts, saying that everyone can get head from her, so he's not to blame. Well, that's one way to pack the house next show. Jonny C. notes that Lizzy has booked both men in the Fuckin' Cluster battle royal for the XPW TV Title later tonight, and that'll take place once we sweep the Chutes and Ladders pieces from the ring. OVERALL:62%. Jonny C. debuted his arrogant gimmick to a positivve response. Steve Bradley debuted his cocky gimmick to a positive response. Kaos and Jonny C. both gained overness from this segment. MATCH TO EXPRESS MORE INTEREST IN THE EXPRESSES: Marcos vs Zack Sommers. Match Background: Teen Show Express and Ring Crew Express have been feuding recently. Ring Crew Express have yet to beat their rivals in the ring since the feud began. The Match: Zack Sommers hits a rolling kick on Marcos. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Zack crushes Marcos with a huge legdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. Marcos elbows Zack Sommers in the face to break a hammerlock. A kick from Marcos is delivered to the leg. Flying elbow from Marcos, grazing the target slightly. There's a two count on the pin. Marcos with an enziguri! HBK isn't moving...uh oh. Oh, sorry, I had a flashback to the last time I got fooled. Pin, but Zack is out just before the three count. Zack takes a hard, stinging chop from Marcos. One word: Ow. Zack Sommers pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Flying cross body off the top rope! Hooks the leg for a two count. Tiger suplex on Marcos. No Misawa references from me, I swear. Oh, dammit. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Zack hits a dropkick on Marcos and gets right back up. Marcos walks into a high dropkick from Zack Sommers, almost losing several teeth in the process. Zack goes for a splash but Marcos puts the knees up. Zack walks into a spinning heel kick which almost causes a decapitation! Flying knee to the face from Marcos. For the record it was more of a Rusty Wizard than a Shining one. Dunn comes running down the aisle with a chair! Marcos whips Zack Sommers into the ropes. Dunn jumps onto the apron with the chair! Collision between Dunn, Zack, and the chair! Zack Sommers staggers back into a roll up! 1...2...3! It's over! Marcos and Dunn are beating the hell out of Zack Sommers! Sly Slater sprints down the aisle and slides into the ring! He goes toe-to-toe with Marcos, exchanging punches, while Zack Sommers comes back, sending Dunn out of the ring with a clothesline. Teen Show Express have cleared the ring, driving off Marcos and Dunn! My Opinion: Sadly, a 1\2* match. OK, that match read a lot better than 1/2*. Dames even appeared to be enjoying himself during it, so I don't know where we went wrong. Maybe if Zack had actually pulled a mule out of nowhere, it would have been more memorable, but then I would have lost the teen audience that the TSE are gunning for. OVERALL:51 (37,65) Backstage, Rudy Ray Smith is strutting through the back, when Hardcore Homo Angel comes walking over. He explains to Rudy that the reason he saved him last week is because he thinks they'd make a good team. Rudy's not so sure about that...he's used to pimpin' ho's and clockin' a grip like his name was Dolemite. Actually, your name IS Dolemite if you want to get technical. Rudy says that Angel has spunk. Angel:"Really?" Rudy:"Yeah, just a little, right there." Angel wipes off the side of lips and asks where they stand as far as teaming, and Rudy says that he'll watch his back, as long as that all Angel promises to do to his. OVERALL:64% FUNKY LIKE A JUNKIE FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH FOR THE XPW KING OF THE DEATHMATCH TITLE: Marty Jannetty vs Matt Cross. Match Background: This will be a falls count anywhere bout. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Marty Jannetty has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 28 September 2003. The Match: Jannetty just WAFFLES Cross with a STIFF chop that hurt ME to watch! Marty Jannetty dropkicks Cross after leaping off an upturned shopping cart! Implant DDT by Marty Jannetty! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Spin kick by Marty Jannetty to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Matt Cross pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Flying trash can shot from the top rope! Cross crushes Jannetty with a huge legdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. Jannetty pushes out of a Matt Cross hold. Flying cross body off the top rope! Hooks the leg for a two count. Springboard dropkick from Marty Jannetty. Nicely done. Pin, but Cross is out just before the three count. Matt Cross pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Spinning back kick from Matt Cross. They brawl to the outside and into the crowd. Kick from Cross. Hooks the leg for a two count. Jannetty takes a kick to the chest. They wind up back in the squared circle. Marty Jannetty comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Marty Jannetty hits a rolling kick on Cross. Konnan has ruined any chance for me ever enjoying this maneuver again with his shitty execution of it. Matt Cross is in trouble. Rocker Dropper!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! My Opinion: Hmm. Only gets * from me. Dames needs to stop dwelling on his scars from Konnan's rolling kicks, because I'm sure at least one worker on my roster does it better. Not necessarily Jannetty though, he just kinda falls over and throws his leg in the air. Jannetty's heat for the junkie gimmick was sinking faster than the boat Leo DiCaprio was on, so I changed it to "Fun Drunk". Apparently it confused the fans, because last time they checked, puking in someone else's shoes and telling an 8 year old who's scared of a monster under his bed that Goldschlager would "take the pain away" wasn't funny. OVERALL:54 (37, 72) FUCKIN' CLUSTER FOR THE XPW TV TITLE: 10 Man Battle Royal. Match Background: This match is for the XPW Television title. The Match: STIFF~! chop lights up JP who covers up to try and stop the agonizing PAIN! Abyss tried to eliminate Josh Prohibition, who hung onto the top rope for dear life! Spin kick by Psychosis to the face sends the opponent FLYING across the ring. Steve Bradley got eliminated by Psychosis. (Elimination # 1) Abyss takes a right hand to the temple from Chetti. I bet those hurt more than Sgt. Slaughter's Noogies. Abyss was eliminated by Chetti. (Elimination # 2) STIFF high kick on Chetti by Chris Hero. Chris Chetti got bundled out by Hero. (Elimination # 3) THERE IT IS! A legdrop to the BACK OF THE HEAD! I swear, that makes any match just a little bit better. I don't mind telling you that every time I see it, that's for sure. Rudy Ray Smith got bundled out by Psychosis. (Elimination # 4) Doring scoops and slams Kaos. What's the difference between a scoop slam and a body slam anyway? Kaos got eliminated by Doring. (Elimination # 5) Back suplex on Psychosis. Doring went for the elimination, but Psychosis held on to the ropes at the last possible second! Implant DDT by Josh Prohibition! I will always and forever mark out for that move. Josh Prohibition kicks the leg, knocks Psychosis down, and goes to work on it. Flying shoulder tackle by Doring sends Jonny C. CRASHING to the mat. Jonny C. just WALKS into a stiff lariat clothesline from Doring. Doring drives a thrust kick into the chest of Hero. Doring threw Chris Hero over the top rope, but Chris Hero skinned the cat to save himself! Danny Doring snap suplexes Hero. Doring threw Chris Hero over the top rope, but Chris Hero skinned the cat to save himself! Jonny C. hits a piledriver on Josh Prohibition. That used to end matches, you know. Jonny C. went for the elimination, but Josh Prohibition held on to the ropes at the last possible second! Nice piledriver on JP. Doring went for the elimination, but Josh Prohibition held on to the ropes at the last possible second! Psychosis crushes JP with a huge legdrop. Psychosis threw Josh Prohibition over the top rope, but Josh Prohibition skinned the cat to save himself! JP takes a NICE hurrancarana from Psychosis. Psychosis threw Josh Prohibition over the top rope, but Josh Prohibition skinned the cat to save himself! Jonny C. walks into a high dropkick from Josh Prohibition, almost losing several teeth in the process. Jonny C. got tossed over the top rope to the floor HARD by JP. (Elimination # 6) JP hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. JP went for the elimination, but Chris Hero held on to the ropes at the last possible second! JP uses a basement dropkick to the knee and it looks like it might be TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL~! JP tried to eliminate Chris Hero, who hung onto the top rope for dear life! Psychosis strikes Doring. Danny Doring got tossed over the top rope to the floor HARD by Psychosis. (Elimination # 7) Chris Hero connects with rights and lefts and Josh Prohibition is down! Hero tried to eliminate Josh Prohibition, who hung onto the top rope for dear life! STIFF high kick on Hero by Josh Prohibition. JP threw Chris Hero over the top rope, but Chris Hero skinned the cat to save himself! Psychosis strikes Hero. Psychosis went for the elimination, but Chris Hero held on to the ropes at the last possible second! Hero takes a NICE hurrancarana from Josh Prohibition. JP went for the elimination, but Chris Hero held on to the ropes at the last possible second! Flying elbow from Josh Prohibition connects. Psychosis was eliminated by JP. (Elimination # 8) Double arm suplex by Chris Hero connects as JP hits hard. Vertical suplex by Chris Hero. Chris Hero moves in for the kill. Hero's Welcome!!! That shook the ring. Josh Prohibition got eliminated by Hero. My Opinion: Not good enough to earn an entire star. 3/4* for you. I'll gladly take that 3/4*, Dames. Lardass Keith can't be bothered to rate battle royals, probably because there's too much guy on guy action that it makes his ears steam. I spend the opening segment hyping up the Kaos/Bradley feud, and Bradley (heel) gets eliminated by Psicosis (heel). Meanwhile Kaos (face) gets eliminated by Doring (face)and Kaos and Bradley never even came into contact. At least there was some "reality" continuity, as Kaos and Doring have feuded in the real XPW. However, if this were "real", Paul London wouldn't be working for them. Lizzy Borden, however, would still be a whore. OVERALL:56 (48, 65). SHOW OVERALL:55% SHOW RATING:.14 356 people $7120 in ticket sales

XPW Monday Nightmare for September 29, 2003 YOU'RE SMOOTH, BUT DO YOU HAVE SOUL?: Rudy Ray Smith vs GQ Smooth. Match Background: None. The Match: Smooth hits a back kick, doubling Rudy Rayover. Rudy Ray Smith gets hip tossed by Smooth. GQ Smooth arm drags Rudy Ray over and locks on an armbar. Face crusher from Smooth on Rudy Ray sets up for an elbowdrop. Smooth charges into the corner but EATS BOOT. Rudy Ray slams GQ Smooth down. Smooth is sure in trouble now. Rudy Ray Smith hits a sloppy double axe handle off the top. Hooks the leg for a two count. Smooth reverses a Rudy Ray Smith hammerlock. Flying elbow off the top rope by GQ Smooth, getting as close to zero air as possible. Covers for a quick two count. GQ Smooth with an enziguri. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Rudy Ray reverses a GQ Smooth hammerlock. Rudy Ray Smith hits Smooth. Smooth counters an arm wringer with an elbow to the side of the head. Flying elbow from GQ Smooth, grazing the target slightly. Lance Silva comes running down the aisle with a chair! Smooth and Rudy Ray Smith continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Lance Silva slides in and blasts Rudy Ray Smith with a chair to the head! Silva climbs out of the ring, the damage done! Rudy Ray Smith is in trouble. The Smoothie!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! Smooth and Silva are putting the boots to Rudy Ray Smith! Hardcore Homo Angel comes running down the aisle with a chair! He slides in, sending Smooth \ Silva running for cover. Hardcore Homo Angel saved Rudy Ray from a major beating. My Opinion: Bad match which brought absolutely nothing to the table and was a waste of time. DUD. Angel turns babyface, and then tells me the next day that he's raising his wages by 10%. Nothing like trying to cash in while the gettings good. I'm sure I'll get the last laugh, as a homosexual in a federation run by the human sperm bank that is Lizzy Borden has about a short a shelf life as Crystal Pepsi. OVERALL:49 (45, 54). GQ Smooth gained overness from this match. Angel turned face, and gained overness from his turn. The Ring Crew Express are backstage, celebrating their big Tag Title win from the previous night. They can't believe how they went from being two ring crew guys to...two ring crew guys that are also the World Tag Team Champions! They've celebrated in style by ordering themselves new ring outfits...that's right, they've bought a truckload of 80's rock shirt for themselves. Krokus, Stryper, WASP...all their favorites are here. The truck driver, a big burly fellow, mumbles something about "this isn't what he meant when he said he would sell hundreds of T-shirts". Turns out his name is Konrad, and he was one of the most influential rock promoters of the 80's. He's the one who told Def Leppard that "Love Bites", he's the one who made Twisted Sister say "We're Not Gonna Take It", and he took Corey Hart's advice, wore his Sunglasses At Night...and crashed through the front window of a Burger King. The ensuing lawsuit cost him his fortune, and now he gets by selling this shirts on the cheap. Marcos and Dunn huddle for a moment, and offer Konrad a spot as their "personal roadie", to give him something to at night other than scratch himself and watch Maude reruns on TVLand. Konrad agrees to it, but asks that they buy him a VCR as payment. He needs his Bea Arthur fix just like any man. OVERALL:57%. All three gained overness from this segment. Marty Jannetty vs. Abyss Match Background: This will be a hardcore bout. This match is for the XPW King Of The Deathmatch title. Marty Jannetty has been XPW King Of The Deathmatch champion since 28 September 2003. The Match: Marty Jannetty kicks the leg, knocks Abyss down, and goes to work on it. Abyss avoids a Marty Jannetty avalanche by getting out of the damn way! Jannetty takes a headbutt from Abyss. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Death valley driver by Abyss! No one executes that move properly anymore. Cover, but there's no one to count for Abyss! Marty Jannetty fights out of a grapple. Abyss takes a thrown chair to the face! Jannetty crushes Abyss with a huge legdrop. Covers for a quick two count. Springboard dropkick from Marty Jannetty. Nicely done. Hooks the leg! ONE...TWO...NO! Abyss counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face and hit a clothesline! Abyss scoop slams Jannetty onto and through a table. Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! Marty Jannetty pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Marty Jannetty moves in for the kill. Rocker Dropper!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!! My Opinion: When I give out 3/4*, it means that I'm being REALLY nice about it. WHY does the referee get bumped in a hardcore match? I'm also trying to figure out the physics in Jannetty avalanching Abyss, as he'd just wind up springing backwards off of the big man's body fat. Jannetty eeks out another victory, but is losing overness with this junkie gimmick still. Methinks the fans are just growing tired of him not sharing, as you'd need to be on something to be enjoying this promotion. OVERALL: 59 (54, 65) Backstage in the Head Bitch's office, Paul London is brought in, secure in his shackles. Steve Bradley comes in, and while he's cool with Lizzy and all, this little dominatrix thing London has going just doesn't do it for him. No no no, you goon, it's not like that. It's to prevent him from escaping. Bradley:"Uh, rape's not really my thing either, and you know if there's a cop watching this show...". Lizzy finallys breaks through to Bradley that they're just here to sign a contract for a World Title match, which will happen...NEXT! OVERALL:38%, due to Bradley being a dumbass and drawing this wretched segment out longer than it should have been. No wonder you neve got the callup from Vince. You're not ready for TV kid, even if we do have to bribe the network to air us. I'M GOING TO STRIP YOU...OF YOUR TITLE: Paul London vs Steve Bradley. Match Background: This match is for the XPW World title. Paul London has been XPW World champion since 28 September 2003. The Match: Fallaway slam by Steve Bradley puts down Paul London. Spear by Steve Bradley. Covers for a quick two count. Bradley goes for a splash but London puts the knees up. London hits a HARD spinning kick to the jaw. Second rope flying axe handle, Bradley goes down. One day, London might even consider coming off the top with that. You know...for more impact and stuff. Covers for a quick two count. Diamond Dust from Paul London and Bradley is out! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! I would have bought that as the finish! Flying elbow from Paul London connects. Bradley pushes out of a Paul London hold. Spear by Steve Bradley. Hooks the leg for a two count. Spear! London is down! Pinfall attempt: ONE...TWO...NO! BAAACK Body drop by London gets a bit of a pop from the crowd. London takes a headbutt from Steve Bradley. Paul London once again takes the advantage after blocking a few punches and connecting with some forearms. London hits a dropkick on Steve Bradley and gets right back up. Tor-NADO DDT from Paul London, Bradley got planted! Kaos comes running down the aisle with a chair! London and Steve Bradley continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Kaos slides in and blasts Steve Bradley with a chair to the head! Kaos climbs out of the ring, the damage done! Paul London has Steve Bradley down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, London Calling! 1....2....3. Steve Bradley goes nuts, screaming and yelling at everyone within earshot. My Opinion: Usually, this is designated for good matches that were usually way too short for some reason. What's your excuse? *3/4 Kaos was still pissed off about the night before. Hey, we know the event sucked, but you don't see fans rushing into the ring with chairs, do you? The only one who wishes that woud happen is London. It might cause enough of a diversion for him to get out of this hellhole. OVERALL:65 (65, 73). The XPW World Title gained overness from this match. How it's gaining overness by being on the one guy who DOESN'T want to hold it must be a glitch in the game. Paging Mr. Ryland! OVERALL:55% E-mails:Abyss and Marty Jannetty didn't click, and then Abyss decided to raise his pay by 10%. That's a coincidence, because Jannetty and his dealer has a spat one night, and the next day his dealer raised his prices. Poor Marty can't catch a break. No wonder he's always high. Rejected by the Comcast Network .13 rating for the show 359 people $7180 End of the Month Report: $1924660 for Finance, having lost $50340 this month $1080000 in merchandise sales. Lizzy Borden turned 29. She celebrated by jumping out of her own cake, and shocking her guest by pulling a lit candle out of...OK, just buy the video.

Comedy Central should do a weekend long Chevy Chase marathon. Fletch must be played a minimum of 3 times a day.

Wait wait wait...you've never had root beer!?

Oh, don't you worry. I'm a root beer kinda gal. Especially A&W root beer. Best. Pop. Ever.

Get that creme soda outta here, CC. It's all about the Root Beer.

Indeed. As Guru of Talent Relations and Relations With Talent, I hereby grant New Me the power to grant somebody bitch status for the Grasshoppers. I called in favors for that one, kid. Don't let the higher ups down, mmmkay.

It's not rape when she says she wants to use your cock as a tongue depressor.

The funniest thing about City Guys is that his name was Chris (my real name) and he lived on Park Ave., so was nicknamed "Park Avenue". My office is right off of a Park Ave., so my friends used to bust on me for that as well. And the blonde girl, Cassidy...oh my...

LOL. You know, if TSM were EWR, Ripper would just continue gaining overness with every segment he's in.

It's not for everyone, admittedly. Just don't diss City Guys in my presence.

Tell it to DA. Mine was a Coke Slurpee, and I'm trying to watch a show here.

Damon Wayans as the "fruit guy" in Beverly Hills Cop.

Hey Kid, change the channel for me too. Hang Time is on.

Jeff didn't draw shit for that show, IMO. I'd like to think it was because it was London's farewell, and it brought out some indy fans who would have otherwise skipped it.

Applause. Now go get me a Slurpee, bitch.

And that, my friend, is one reason I'm glad I'm on your good side.

Notice how Zsasz always tries to find some type of homoerotic undertone in any of my posts. And AM, you're right. Now that everyone knows it's not a gimmick (well duh, most did, but you have to admit it was fun tooling around with those who took it serious), it's lost it's luster. Still, least we've got her pics to look at. Too bad I haven't talked to that girl on AIM in like a month, I'd get more.

Whoa! That was quick, eh? Welcome back, Tiff.

Boo. I wanna be able to sit on my throne in comfort, thank you. Can we just verbally rape Eagan and leave my ass out of this?

Retired and living in Tijuana as a Mexican soap star. She said she might come up for a visit soon though.

We'd need a gate for sure. We don't want DJ Jeff sneaking into our block parties to stand in the bushes and peer at female posters.

Are the FBI going face then?

There was one...think it was called "Friend of the Family" or something similar. Guy cheats on his wife and bails on the girl, only to come home and find out she's been hired as the nanny. She tries blackmailing him to be with her, but he refuses, so she fucks his friend or brother in law, says he's abusing her, etc. Movie ends with the guy cartoonishly choking her out when the cops come, and she winds up trying to kill him and they kill her. The movie ends when the wife realizes that she's hidden the baby, but has no clue where it is. No closure, nothing. Kinda fucked up, but some good scenes.