Bruce Blank

For a self admitted rush job it's a pretty good match actually I would have liked to really see the "falls count anywhere" stip pushed more - just a personal preference (as you can probably tell from my match )

So Freaking Sweet! and yes that was a really bad joke - almost as bad as the jokes I make

Hey now keep me out of your sick twisted sexual fantasies please And Bruce Blank doesn't represent Alabama - they're generally worse

mmmm Carlsberg now as for being quiet that's always been my problem only way to shut me up - well is to shut me up

”Come on Bruce I don’t need a wheelchair!” Marcus Ward complains as Bruce pushes Ward across the parkinglot in a hospital issue wheelchair. ”Then how come the Hospital insisted that you sit in one when you were discharged huh?” Bruce said apparently not aware of the standard hospital policy on the matter. “They were even nice enough to GIVE you the wheel chair” “Ah- no Bruce you stole it” Ward answers moodily. “Well heck that’d explain the hollerin’ wouldn’t it?” Bruce replies dismissing the complaints from his tag-team partner. “Now don’t fuss so much we’ve got a movie to watch!” Bruce says as he pushes his tag-team partner towards the entrance to the mega-metro-cineaplex. “I’m not really in the mood Bruce, we just lost okay? It doesn’t seem to bother you much” Ward says not bothering to hid his displeasure “Call that a loss? I lost my debut match to a guy wrestling as El Homo Loco while dressed as a giant poodle. This? This ain’t nothing” Bruce just says “Giant poodle?? El Homo Loco? Where the hell did you debut?” Marcus asks confused by the story and the relevance to their situation. “it was August 4th 1990 in Memphis, USWA to be precise” “But… that was 16 years ago?” Ward says confused, he did not know his partner had been in wrestling for that long. “I’ll take your word for it, never been much for math. Now just be quiet I’ve told them you’re dying from cancer of the sphincter and your last request is to see “the Empire Strikes Back” on a big screen” Bruce says “Okay two questions” Ward says “One, why Empire Strikes Back? And two.. CANCER OF THE SPHINCTER??” the Mastermind says clearly not enjoying it. “Okay 2, because that’ll get you in for free – as a request for a dying man they’ve given us two tickets and a free pass to the concession stand. Oh and I saw Cancer of the Sphincter on the Oxygen movie of the week last week, so touching – so heartgripping” *sniff* “That Tyne Daly I tell ya” “But… why that movie then?” Ward asks not wanting to get further into Bruce’s viewing habits. “Well I thought we’d enjoy a feel good movie. I can’t think of a better movie than this one, when Vader slices his hand off – a classic” Bruce says as he passes the people in line, he’s got a special pass after all (why pay for a movie when you can con your way in for free after all?) “Or the part where Vader tells Luke he’s his father” Ward says, kinda seeing Bruce’s point “WHAT?? Oh thanks for spoiling the movie for me you gimp” a guy in line says as he tears up his ticket and walks away pissed off at having the ending spoiled for him. Bruce and Marcus quickly enter the theater and make their way to the concession stand where Bruce intends to make good use of their free pass. “Alright darlin’” He says to the 16 year old goth (and totally disinterested) chick behind the counter “My friend here would like your largest bucket of popcorn, 2 of your biggest cups of soda” Bruce turns and looks at Marcus, “You want something to drink too?” He asks to which Ward just nods. “Make that 3 cups of soda darlin’ – and some candy corn… some ju-ju bees… oh do you have Twinkies? I’ll take 10 of thise… and goobers, some liquorice sticks and …. Hmmm a couple of Mars bars” Bruce says with a straight face. He quickly gathers up his huge haul and dumps it in Marcus’ lap before pushing him towards the theater. “Weird how they’re showing this movie on a big screen” Marcus says, almost revealing the flaw in his post “Well you see they’re doing a “Great Movies” marathon, retro is in man.” Bruce quickly says to cover up any logical flaws people might see. “Alright, alright let’s just go see the movie” Ward says as Bruce pushes him towards the theater where “Empire Strikes Back” is playing. ** a while later, towards the end of the movie. ** Bruce and Marcus are sitting in the dark, eating popcorn out of the huge tub they got while watching Darth Vader teach Luke a lesson in badassedry. “WOOOO Go on kick his scrawny ass” Bruce hollars out as Vader cut’s Luke’s hand off Vader approaches Luke who’s clinging to the thingamabob out on the walkway. “They told me you killed him” Luke says in his boy-howdy farm boy ways. “No Luke” Vader says, pausing only to take a mechanically enhanced breath (Damn you Obi-Wan!!) “I am your Father” “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Luke almost gives up hope and lets himself fall, but then he runs across the walkway and *CHOP BLOCK* WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOWW Moments later Vader’s head rolls across the metal floor. “Who’s your daddy now – Bitch!” Luke says. “What the hell??” Ward says – both of them sit there, mouths open, handfuls of popcorn up to their mouths. Just staring at the screen in disbelief. “I did not just see that, tell me I did not just see that” Bruce says as he gets up, brushes the candy wrappers off him and then wheels Ward out of the theater. “Okay that’s just not right – Maybe we should see another movie instead?” Bruce says trying to get Marcus’ mind off what they just saw. “I didn’t just see that” is all Marcus says as Bruce wheels him in to see Dirty Harry. They enter the movie at the time where the Clint has chased down a bad guy and given him his sales pitch for handguns Now you gotta ask yourself, did he fire 5 times or did he fire 6 times?? Well I just don’t know. So do you feel lucky huh? Do you punk??” Dirty Harry asks the man he just chased down. *CHOP BLOCK* “You shot 6 times man!!” the criminal says as he runs away from Harry who’s on the ground holding his knee. “Okay you did not see that” Bruce says as he pulls Ward out of the theater. Ward just sits there, open mouth, hand raised not knowing what to say. “This is a good one Marcus, loads of killing and bluster and stuff, that’ll suit us” Bruce says as he opens the door to the Gladiator showing. ”My name is Gladiator!” Russel Crowe says looking all mean and ready to kill anyone that dares cut off his poem. *CHOP BLOCK* “Oh don’t be a silly bugger” is all Centurion Biggus Diggus says as he plunges his sword into Maximus’ prone body. “Look man I’m really sorry I don’t know what the hell is up with these movies” Bruce says apologetically, he’s beginning to think this was a bad idea. Then he spots a poster that says “Jerry McGuire” and smiles, that couldn’t possibly have a chop block in it. ”You had me at hello” she says breathlessly, like a woman who was out of breath. *CHOP BLOCK* “Oh yeah? I’m Tom Fuckin’ Cruise! And I know Psychology!! I had you before Hello… bitch” Tom says as he looks down on the woman squirming in front of him holding her knee. “And stop moaning, pain is all in your head” Bruce quickly pulls the wheelchair out of the movie and begins to apologize to Marcus. “Man I’m so sorry I had no idea” “Don’t be” Marcus says “It’s opened my eyes” “Yeah? Erm in what way??” Bruce asks “Well it looks like the Chop Block is a pretty serious and potentially crippling move” he says “It would seem that everyone knows that” Bruce scratched his head, to him a chop block was still just a chop block – although it DID finish off Vader… so maybe Ward was right. “Let’s go see this movie instead Bruce” Marcus says as he points to a poster that says “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. “Alright then” Is all Bruce says as he obliges his tag-team partner. ”And they lived happily ever after” *CHOP BLOCK* “Or not” (if you can read this and think I am seriously pissed off you have no sense of humor whatsoever )

Hope I keep my consecutive bookings streak alive and we all need to prepare for Joel and Jose Maximo - I wonder if they're bringing Amazing Red whuzzat? they're not the only SATs around?

I think I've found my speciality good thing I'm not a Cruiserweight champ but a Hardcore champ good matches all round... well except that one, we all know which one that was

Considering I've been here 10 shows, done a promo for the first show and then a match for each and every show after that I'm very much active and actually WANT to get booked for every show

meh to each their own

That's why it's called a joke innit?

Well you see old gal thats because since you were active Ben had a son (And dinosaurs went extinct but that’s a different matter) Ben Hardy Jr. Who grew up to take his daddy’s place as the backstage dork of SWF But no one calls him Junior these days

Well that's the power of no showing use it wisely young one

Well if I retain you could also put up your other title against me as "incentive" oh look we've kinda already got some backstory well flippin' heck

Nope but I expect a cut on your merchandising sales the Nightmare Express - "we make other people popular"

Well we can't all live in tweenerland and then be over like Steve Austin just cause we face a heel yanno besides heels don't get along - it's common knowledge.

Well I guess an imaginary venue is alright - we can make up whatever the hell we want when brawling backstage in the 4 way Hardcore clash

LOL Top Google search hit for "HAMMERSTEIN LODGE" PHILADELPHIA was our own list of arenas site and then some german travel sites which did not put the Hammerstein lodge in Philly. and on Yahoo I got the Blazenwing Wrestling Federation site listing and NOTHING else

I was thinking Hammerstein Ballroom in NYC - ECW PPV location and all

like Sabu Vs Sandman on that one ECW PPV they were afraid of all the missed spots - so they taped it instead of sending it live and had to edit out the blown spots that's why it took so long

asked, answered well after finding out that a match with Bruce Blank and the guy from DOomtopia is too much comedy

(Don't get the decission but I've PM'ed Janus I guess we'll see what's what and what... what?) ”So please think of the children and save our endangered Manatee’s” a voice over pleads as we see horribly disturbing images of a Manatee being hit with a MEGA-ULTRA-SUPER-AWESOME-CRUSHING-LARIATOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!! 1-800-MAN-ATEE “Save the Manatee” After that touching message from some wildlife foundation that’s apparently world wide we cut back to the arena and straight to Longdogger Pete and King at ringside. “If you think the referee for this match looks familiar – well then congratulations you’ve been a fan longer than 90% of our viewing audience” King says as the shot swings around and shows “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan in the ring wearing a referee’s shirt and holding a black and white striped 2 by 4. “You see Hacksaw here made a wrong turn in New Jersey, he was going for a Legends of Wrestling event but ended up here.” Pete says to try and explain why Hacksaw is on an SWF card. “Yeah poor guy was panhandling outside the arena” King says trying to contain a chuckle at poor Hacksaw’s expense. “Dooooooooo..oooOOOOM!!” The lights go down as they seem to do for almost all introductions and out walks 2 lines of Druids – that is if 6 people can form two lines, sad but still Druids are hard to come by these days. But bless them the 6 druids are chanting their hearts out making it sound like they’re at least 8 – maybe even 9 druids “Dooooooooo..oooOOOOM!!” King snickers, then he says “If you turn to Raw it will be your…” “Dooooooooo..oooOOOOM!!” Pete is for once quick on the uptake and tries it himself “If Triple H ever joined SWF it would be his…” “Dooooooooo..oooOOOOM!!” They both snicker like school boys. Pete is about to try another line but the Druids are done as they line up the entrance say. The chants are silenced and instead “Yakety Sax” kicks in leading many members in the audience to expect a short fat British guy chasing women. But instead it’s Jimmy the Doom and his manager Lois side by side as the Sax keeps yakking. “Where the hell did he get that hat? Did Charles Wright have a garage sale” King asks as he notices the dusty stovepipe hat on Jimmy’s head. “Charles Wright? I don’t get it” Pete says trying his best to keep kayfabe alive. Jimmy enters the ring while Lois goes over and sits down next to Pete and King at the announce table. “Since you do not have a Doomtopian announce team I guess I will have to sit with you” Lois says in her hard to place accent. “Welcome Lois it’s a pleasure to have you join us” Pete says, just happy to close to a woman, any woman. Funyon introduces Jimmy the Doom which draws a generally positive reaction from the crowd, they like zany, they like off beat – Jimmy fits that description. “Last week Jimmy had a hard time with Martin Hunt, but he’s stepping up to a whole other level with Bruce Blank here tonight” Pete says. “Oh great why don’t you just jump all over Funyon’s introduction” King replies. Lois just sits there, trying to figure out who cut the cheese. The sweet, sweet tones of Skynyrd’s classic “Don’t ask me no questions” begins to play to herald the entrance of the Hardcore Gamer’s champion. The second Bruce Blank steps through the ropes he’s met with a hail of boos and even a few things thrown at him. WHITEEEEEEEEEEEEE TRASH!! WHITEEEEEEEEEEEEE TRASH!! “Man the fans are not liking Bruce King” Pete says proving that once again he is the master of the obvious. “Oh they’re just jealous cause White Trash is a step UP for these people” King shoots back. “Lois do you think Jimmy has a chance against a monster of a man like Bruce” King asks her “Yes” is her only reply. Bruce ignores the chants as he walks out, torn jeans, cowboy hat and all looking like he just stepped in from the barn (which is more or less true). Bruce makes his way over to the announce table where he places the SWF Hardcore title and then points straight at Longdogger Pete “Pete if ANYONE touches this belt I’ll wring your ass into a summer hat” Bruce says. “A-ha, ha… very funny” Pete says a bit nervously, hoping Bruce is joking. “I ain’t joking Pete – I’m holding YOU responsible” he says and then walks up the ring steps. “So Pete, slide that belt on over here and let me take a look” King says in between laughs. Pete does not say anything, instead he just keeps an eye on the title with a slight facial tic. *DING*DING*DING* “You know in Doomtopia that means the match has started” Lois says to share the wonders of Doomtopian culture with everyone. “Oh yeah? Here it means the women whip out their ti..” ”p-ex!! They whip out their Tip-ex King” Pete says, covering for King out of “Family Friendly Lockdown” habit. Jimmy just stands in the corner looking at Bruce while Duggan checks Bruce’s jeans for illegal weapons. “HEY, HEY, HEY TOUGHGUY!!” Hacksaw says as he finds a metal pipe in Bruce’s boot BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Hacksaw goes over to put the pipe away, but the second he turns his back on the action Bruce pokes Jimmy in the eyes and then rakes both hands down the poor unfortunate Jimmy’s back. Then to really rub it in he does it AGAIN “OH MY GOD!! Who can withstand that onslaught” King yells out as Bruce does the unthinkable and rakes Jimmy’s back a THIRD TIME!! “Oh don’t worry that is how we say hello to a friend we have not seen for a long time in Doomtopia” Lois says, not worried at all. Jimmy turns around and smiles thinking that Bruce must be a long lost friend, but the smile is wiped off his face as Bruce knocks the lanky man down with a hard clothesline that Jimmy bounces right back up from just moments later. Bruce tries another clothesline, it knocks Jimmy the Doom down but he’s quickly back to his feet. “Man Jimmy can take a beating!” Pete says impressed. “But of course, his superior Doomtopian training means he can take quite a beating – and he can make pancakes blindfolded too” Lois says, to which neither King nor Pete have a suitable reply. Bruce points to Jimmy’s right and yells out “Hey look the Crown Price of Doomtopia!!” which naturally gets Jimmy to turn his head and look for him. Bruce quickly takes advantage of the opening by throwing Jimmy into the corner face first and then he starts to ram Jimmy’s head into the turnbuckle *TWACK!* BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! *TWACK!* YOU STINK!! *TWACK!* WHITEEEEEEEEEEEEE TRASH!! Bruce looks more than a little annoyed that the crowd isn’t counting along. Bruce quickly wraps one hand around Jimmy’s throat and then places the other hand on Jimmy’s “unmentionable” and lifts him up over the head “Bruce just grabbed him by the throat and thigh!” Pete screams out mentioning what Jimmy’s “unmentionable” is Normally Bruce would be hard pressed to lift a 6 foot 5 guy but Jimmy is so skinny it’s not really that big a deal. Bruce runs towards the ropes and then tosses Jimmy over to top rope towards the Druids on the floor. “Catch them you Michaels!!” Lois yells – apparently Michael is a derogatory remark in Doomtopia. But the druids do what they’re paid to do, stand by the guardrail, or in this case stand by the guardrail until they’re knocked down by a flying Jimmy the Doom. Jimmy gets to his feet, cursing at the druids for not even trying to catch him. Hacksaw keeps Bruce from jumping to the floor as he manages to keep an eye on Bruce AND on Jimmy at the same time. Finally his walleyed-ness comes in handy. “Is that the Hardcore title you got there Pete?” Lois asks as she looks at the gold belt on the table. “Can I look at it a bit closer?” and then reaches out for it. Pete freaks out and quickly snatches up the Hardcore title and tries to keep it away from Lois “No you can’t touch it – shoo!! Shoo!! It’s Bruce’s belt” He says in a nervous voice, he remembers Bruce’s warning all too well. WHITEEEEEEEEEEEEE TRASH!! WHITEEEEEEEEEEEEE TRASH!! Bruce quickly lands a knee to the side of Jimmy’s head as he steps through the ropes. The Hardcore champion locks on a side headlock and begins to squeeze his massive arms around Jimmy’s head. “What the hell? Who taught him that move?” Pete asks, confused over Bruce using an actual WRESTLING move in a match. “Maybe the Mastermind’s influence is starting to rub off?” King suggests. Bruce complains to Hacksaw that Jimmy is pulling his hair, but as Hacksaw goes around to check he can see that it’s clearly not true. The moment Hacksaw is behind him Bruce thrusts his left thumb hard into Jimmy’s windpipe. “HA! Hacksaw did not see anything at all!” Bruce complains about another hair pull, but once again it’s just a ruse to cover Bruce’s cheating ways as he quickly lands a hard fist right to Jimmy’s eye. When Bruce complains a third time Jimmy puts up a hand to block the thumb thrust bringing the crowd to it’s feet… … and back down as Bruce drops his entire weight down in a bulldog style drop to stop Jimmy from gaining an advantage. Bruce goes over to one of the corners and begins to untie the top turnbuckle pad while the boos hail down over him. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! “Is this some weird American tradition?” Lois asks confused about the actions of Bruce Blank. “Yeah babe it’s called cheating – it’s a big tradition in the good old U.S. of A.” King says with proud and misplaced patriotism. Bruce throws the turnbuckle pad down and then grabs Jimmy by the hair. He tries to slam Jimmy’s head into the exposed steel but Jimmy the Doom puts a foot on the second rope and blocks the attempt, he also blocks a second attempt before hitting Bruce in the gut and then reversing the move himself. “BLOCKED!!” Pete yells in the heat of the moment as Bruce manages to put his arms on the top rope and block Jimmy’s attempt at smashing his head into the steel bolt. Then he fires a stiff elbow into Jimmy’s gut. The crowd gets louder and nastier as Bruce quickly slams his right hand against Jimmy’s forehead and then digs all four fingers and thumb into the skull with all the force he can muster. “Somewhere in heaven 27 Von Erichs are lining up to file a lawsuit” King says as Bruce applies the Iron Claw to Jimmy the Doom. “Oh my god and you thought the head vice was lame!” Lois says, totally unaware of the aura of awesomeness that the Iron Claw once had. Jimmy tries to pull away but Bruce’s finger strength makes that impossible. Jimmy tries a few shots to Bruce’s chest but the big man just ups the pressure on the skull, keeping his opponent under control. Jimmy has been taking a lot of punishment and has held up pretty well but the Iron Claw is starting to take effect on him. “COME ON JIMMY!! GET TO THE ROPES!!” Lois screams at him from the announce table. “I think that might be his only hope” Pete adds. “Well that or a taser to the genitals” King helpfully suggests. Jimmy’s long legs come in handy as he’s able to reach out behind himself and put the tip of his boot on the bottom rope. “Break it up tough guy!!” ONE!! TW-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! THREE!! At four Bruce grabs Jimmy by the back of the head with his free hand and then while still keeping the Iron Claw clamped on he lifts Jimmy into the air and brings him down in a choke slam type move. To celebrate Bruce flexes his muscles and shows off his massive pectorals “OH THE INSULT” Lois screams into the microphone enraged. “What? What are you talking about Lois?” Pete asks. “He just insulted Jimmy’s mother, he gave Jimmy the worst insult in Doomtopia!!” Lois says Jimmy saw the insult and leaps back to his feet, shouting something at Bruce clearly enraged with it. At the commentator desk Lois tries to explain why it is such an insulting gesture by saying “When you do what Bruce did you imply that the other person was breastfed by a guy because his momma was busy whoring!!”. “I’m sure he did not know that Lois” Pete says trying to diffuse the situation In the ring Jimmy walks up to Bruce and then slaps him across the face before proceeding to pinch his right nipple. “I demand that you face me in a Doomtopian Death Duel of Dishonour for your insults!!” he yells as the entire arena tries to figure out what exactly Jimmy is talking about “I will allow it, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” If it had been a regular referee the Death Duel of Dishonour may have been deemed illegal, but well with it being ”Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and all it’s allowed. Bruce just stands there looking totally confused, not knowing the rules but also not very interested in dying. “So they actually fight to the death?” King asks curiously, eyeing an opportunity to tap into the next big “reality TV” fad. “It’s just an expression, no one actually dies – Well at least not intentionally” Lois says “Bt it sounded a lot better than the Doomtopian Discomfort Duel of Dishonour”. Jimmy holds out his hand as two plastic bags full of oranges are brought to the ring. Jimmy chooses one, then he swings it to judge it’s balance. Bruce just grabs the other one all confused as he watches Jimmy closely. “Doomtopia! Doomtopia your splendour is without compare Now watch me as I knock the shit out of this guy here!!” Jimmy quickly whacks Bruce upside the head with his bag of oranges knocking the big guy back into the ropes. Bruce is about to charge at Jimmy with the bag of oranges lifted over his head but he’s stopped by Hacksaw. “He cannot just hit Jimmy! What kind of oaf is he? Does he not know he must recite a poem to Doomtopia before he strikes?” Lois asks as if EVERYONE knows the rules to the Doomtopian Death Duel of Dishonour. “Oh right – and here I was afraid it’d be something stupid” King says under his breath. Bruce stands there for a moment trying to figure out a poem “Roses are red Doomtopians are Blue When I hit you with this bag It will be true!” Bruce’s crappy poem is followed by an overhead shot of Oranges right to Jimmy’s neck. The impact knocks the Doomtopian down but not for long as he gets up to his knees. “There once was a girl from Nantucket” Bruce seems to forget that Nantucket is NOT In Doomtopia and swings his bag at Jimmy once more. Unfortunately for Bruce the bag has a rip in it and as he brings it round the 8 oranges in it fly out to all sides resulting in him just kinda lightly slapping Jimmy with an empty plastic bag Swish! “Doomtopia, Doomtopia your streets are paved with gold I’m going to kick your ass before you get too old” *THWOCK-SQUISH!!* Jimmy nails Bruce right between the eyes with such impact that several of the oranges explode on impact covering the Trailer Park Superstar in orange pulp. Jimmy quickly throws the bag into the corner and then nails Bruce right in the chest with a snap kick that leaves a bootprint on Bruce’s skin. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! “It is good to see people so enlightened that they chant in Doomtopian” Lois says. “They’re just cheering Lois, don’t overestimate the IQ of the people in the stands” King replies. “If you knew Doomtopian you’d know they were chanting “Jimmy the Doom is awesome” King” Lois says with anger in her voice “You get all that from YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH?” Pete asks trying to get a handle on the complex Doomtopian language. Jimmy smiles as he spots an opening, the crowd is at a fever pitch as he leaps on his fallen opponent and goes for another one of those high energy, electrifying “sports entertainment” moves YEAaaa….. Or in Jimmy’s case he goes for the head vice with his lanky arm wrapped around Bruce’s head as Jimmy tries to keep the Hardcore champion under control. You can see every muscle in Jimmy’s arm working overtime (both of them) to really, really, really hurt Bruce with the steel like head vice of doom~! “I’m not sure that this move will be effective against a guy that’s been kicked down an escalator at FAO Schwartz and still won the match” King says, but he is in fact lying now as he is VERY sure that it’s not going to be effective. “Jimmy went to the finest schools of submission in Doomtopia, you wait and see, he’ll get the victory with this move, no man can resist it in the long run” Lois says to counter King’s negativity. Bruce gets to his knees and then stands up while Jimmy manages to keep the head vice locked on. Bruce pushes Jimmy into the ropes and then attempts to push his opponent off with the momentum. But Jimmy keeps the hold clamped on like a sticky insect stuck to a sticky bun. Bruce isn’t so much hurt as he’s annoyed by the move, and Jimmy is kinda pushing on his ear so it’s starting to get irritating. Bruce finally decides he’s had enough and stands up straight lifting Jimmy up in the air, head vice still locked on. “Jesh it’s like an encyclopaedia salesman Pete, you just can’t get rid of him.” King says, deep down he’s a little impressed – very deep down and very little, but still. “Any minute now and Jimmy has the big ox where he wants him” Lois says with confidence. Bruce drops back slamming Jimmy to the mat with a back suplex. As Bruce tries to get up he discovers that Jimmy still has the move locked on. Bruce is getting really sick of this move as he gets to his feet once more. He lifts Jimmy up in the air, then positions himself against the ropes and bounces backwards sending Jimmy off the head vice flipping backwards over the top rope.. ..onto the apron! After a quick kick to Bruce’s gut Jimmy is in the perfect position to sling shoot himself over the top into a sunset flip attempt. He lands on the canvas and tries to pull Bruce’s body down, but the Hardcore champion grabs the top rope and then sits down on Jimmy’s shoulders for a pin attempt. “HANDS OFF THE ROPES TOUGH GUY!!” Hacksaw yells as Bruce’s hands are clearly on the ropes. When Bruce doesn’t break the move Hacksaw kicks Bruce’s hands off the ropes, the surprise and the momentum of the kick carrying Bruce backwards into a roll up by Jimmy the Doom ONE!! TW-HOOOOOOOOOOO!!! “Not enough to keep Bruce down” King says as Bruce kicks out. “It could have been King! You know what we call people like you in our country?” Lois asks. “Royalty?” the Suicide King asks, “Garbage men?” Pete chimes in with his own guess. “No, we call them foreigners!! Cause all Doomtopians are happy cheerful people, you can even hear it in the name – Doom-topia, what could be more positive.” Lois explains. Bruce gets up to his knees but is knocked back down with a stiff “Hand of Doom” right to the throat. Jimmy is quick to climb the ropes as Bruce tries to regain his breath and get back to his feet. Then Jimmy leaps off the top rope, lands on Bruce’s back, hooks his arms and rolls him into a stunning Majestic Cradle “This one is for all you Villaños out there” Lois says as Jimmy rolls up Bruce for the pinfall. ONE!! TW-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! THR-KICKOUT!! Bruce manages to power out of the Majistral cradle at the very last moment. Jimmy is quickly back on his feet, bounces off the ropes and then comes straight at Bruce. Bruce goes for a clothesline but Jimmy is quick to duck under the massive right arm. as Jimmy spins around behind Bruce he locks his arms around Bruce’s quite pronounced waist line and then uses his spinning momentum to lift Bruce’s 295 pounds up and round bringing the big man down right on his neck and shoulders *BOOM!* YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! “Now that’s what it takes to wake up the crowd, not some head vice” Pete says as the crowd starts to get behind Jimmy the Doom in the ring. “it is not Jimmy’s fault that the Doomtopian submission subtleties are lost on the fans” Lois says, more than a little tired of people putting down the head vice. Jimmy bounces off the ropes as Bruce gets to his knees, then he leaps through the air and lands a hard flying head BUTT to the back of Bruce’s head. Jimmy quickly gets on top of Bruce and hooks a leg ONE!!! TW-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! FOOTONTHEROPE!! Bruce’s right foot was on the rope at two and since Hacksaw can watch both the shoulders he’s counting down and the ropes the count is broken. “Phew it finally pays off to have a referee with bad eyes in the ring.” King says. Jimmy climbs the ropes, tapping his forehead indicating that he wants to “Do the Benoit” on Bruce. The crowd are on their feet as Jimmy drops forward, head first… INTO THE CANVAS!! “Bruce moved!!” King says with excitement as Bruce gets back to his feet. “No worries guys, Jimmy has a hard head” Lois points out as Jimmy gets up to his knees just moments after the move. “What do you feed them in Doomtopia” Pete asks “What? You’re saying we’re genetically engineering people in Doomtopia? That’s ridiculous! I’ve never heard such a preposterous thing in my whole life, who told you? If you do not keep quiet we’ll have your tongue removed” Lois quickly whispers to Pete. Bruce eyes an opening and rushes straight at Jimmy, only to get a double palm thrust into the chest for his troubles. Jimmy leaps into the air while Bruce staggers backwards and sends all his body weight straight into Bruce’s chest pushing both of them backwards into the corner “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!!” “Jesh that old fool Hacksaw didn’t get out of the way fast enough” King laments as Hacksaw gets caught between Bruce and the turnbuckles in the corner splash. “Jimmy spells the Doom for Hacksaw tonight!! He is the winner!!” Lois says all excited. “In the SWF you don’t win by knocking out the referee” Pete quickly explains before Lois runs to the ring for a victory celebration. “Well you should, such backwards rules” Lois says pouting over how behind the times the SWF is. Bruce sees that the referee has been knocked out and is quick to pick up the metal pipe that Hacksaw took from his boot at the beginning of the match. Jimmy hasn’t seen the pipe in Bruce’s hand as he attacks but seconds later he feels it when Bruce smacks him across the neck with it. Jimmy drops to his knees, then he’s knocked all the way down as Bruce slams his opponent with the pipe once more. *CRACK!* “I don’t care HOW resilient you are, an iron pipe to the head will knock you out” King says impressed by the Greco Roman pipe shot that Bruce just administered. Bruce covers Jimmy the Doom but of course Hacksaw is out cold so there is no one to count the pin-fall. Bruce lays there for a moment hoping for a count, then he gives up and gets up. He looks around the ring, then he sees Jimmy’s discarded orange bag in the corner. He quickly grabs it, empties out the oranges and then he begins to pull it down over Jimmy’s head “OH MY GOD!! He’s going to suffocate Jimmy with that bag!!” Pete yells out in disgust. “Hey do you see the referee telling him to stop? No!! So it must be legal” King calmly points out. Of course the fact that Hacksaw is out cold may have something to do with it. The crowd begins to boo and throw thrash into the ring as Bruce pulls the white plastic bag down over Jimmy’s head and begins to tighten his grip on it. The look on Bruce’s face seems to indicate that he fully intends to keep the bag over Jimmy’s head for as long as he wants to “LOIS WHERE ARE YOU GOING!” Pete yells as Lois jumps out from behind the announcers desk and quickly slides into the ring. First she tries to pull Bruce off her man but he’s just too big for him. Then she digs her fingernails into his eyes and follows up with a kick right in the crown jewels of the Trailer Park Superstar OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!! A collective groan is heard in the arena and from both Pete and King as her pointy shoe connects with Bruce’s privates. Before she can do more damage Referee Izzy Slappowitch runs to the ring to take control of the match. He makes Lois leave the ring as he tears the bag off Jimmy’s head, letting the poor guy finally catch his breath. Then he rolls Hacksaw out of the ring and gets rid of the metal pipe. “I hope we can get some order now!” Pete says as a proper SWF referee takes charge of the match. “Man you are SUCH a wet blanket aren’t you Pete? This was just getting interesting and now dorkus malorkus here breaks it up.” King says obviously annoyed that the rampant cheating has been interrupted. Lois doesn’t return to the announce table, instead she starts to bang her hands on the apron and chant for Jimmy, moments later most of the arena join in the chant as the Doomtopian slowly gets back to his feet. JIM-MY!! JIM-MY!! JI-MMY!! J-IMMY!! JIMM-Y!! JIM-M-Y!! “Man you’d think she was paying them for it” King says in a surely tone. “You’re just jealous because people seem actually like Jimmy the Doom” Pete fires back in an “Armchair Freudian” kinda tone. Jimmy is up, hanging in the ropes as he regains his breath and his senses. Then he sees Bruce get up, still holding his privates, still staggering. The crowd pops as Jimmy raises his left leg in the air and strike a familiar pose. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! “Oh lord here he goes with his Ralph Macchio impression” King groans as Jimmy strikes the crane pose waiting for Bruce to turn around. “Mr. Macchio is a highly revered actor in Doomtopia, have some respect” Lois says curtly. Bruce manages to avoid the Yak Kick and then knees Jimmy in the gut doubling the skinny man over. He quickly steps in, places Jimmy’s head between his legs and flips him up for a power bomb… Which Jimmy counters by flipping round, grabbing Bruce by the head and dropping straight down “DOOM FACTOR!” Pete screams like a schoolgirl on prom night and the guy in bet with her was called Doom Factor, which to tell the truth is a weird name for a guy. But Bruce manages to hold his arms out in front of him as he drops to the canvas effectively blocking the Doom Factor inches before his head strikes the canvas. Bruce quickly gets to his feet, notices Jimmy leaping right at his knee and manages to lift his leg up in the last moment. “He avoided the chop block!!” King points out in the heat of the action. “Watch out Jimmy” Lois yells as Bruce brings all his 295 pounds down on the neck of Jimmy the Doom as he drops an elbow. He quickly grabs Jimmy by the hair and lifts him up off the canvas. Bruce locks in a front headlock setting up for a suplex of some sort, but Jimmy wraps his long leg around Bruce’s and blocks the first attempt, and the second one – but Bruce fires off a fist to the lower ribs and then quickly lifts Jimmy up into a suplex position as he runs towards the corner. *WHAM!* Bruce drives Jimmy the Doom into the corner where turnbuckle pad has been removed and then flips him over into power slam followed by a cover. ONE!! Bruce quickly grabs the back of Jimmy’s trunks and pulls on them hard. TW-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! The handful of tights gets pulled down far enough to reveal Jimmy’s “Sponge Bob Square Pants” underwear. THREE!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! “No, no, no, no!! did Izzy not see the big handful of tights??” Pete says. “Hey a win is a win in SWF” King replies with obvious disregard for such sissy terms as “fair” and “rules”. Bruce rolls out of the ring then he walks over to the commentator’s table and grabs his Hardcore title off the desk. Pete looks pale as Bruce looks at the title, then he looks at Pete “I-I-I-I swear no one touched it Bruce” Pete says with trembling knees. Bruce just stands there for a moment looking at him, then his face cracks into a grin as he reaches over and ruffles up Pete’s hair “Ah I knew you could do to Petey!!” Bruce says as he walks back towards the locker room. WHITEEEEEEEEEEEEE TRASH!! WHITEEEEEEEEEEEEE TRASH!! Bruce holds the Hardcore title up in the air as the crowd boo him like crazy on his way out. Then Bruce stops and looks at a sign that says “Bruce fears the Chop Block!” that some fan is stupid enough to hold up right in front of him. Bruce quickly grabs the sign from the stunt granny, pushes her down and then proceeds to tear the sign into small pieces.

If you've ever been up to your eyeballs in Miky Way you know it's a bad thing and we got both Mars Bars and Milky Ways - they're not the same but I guess it's just too advanced for Americans - woopsie

funny I thought it meant pretencious but what do I know - Brits are all Greek to me anyways with their bad teeth and huge ears

Oh booooooooo!! I thought someone was making lame impressions of the recent additions to SWF BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

FEAR THE BACKRAKE!! :lol; and do we get a bit of comedy? oooooooooh yeah this'll be fun