PROMO: Resurrection

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

---M7 HOTEL SUITE, JULY 26TH, 2002 - REDMOND, WASHINGTON---

 

The door slowly opens. The lights flicker on with the flip of a switch. Seven men should enter through the door, but that is not so. Chris Wilson is the first to enter, very professionally and confidently. He is thinking about War Games, and the pain he will cause to the Carnies and Thoth. Stryke is off somewhere else at the moment, possibly to return soon, though now retired. Tyler McClelland has other things to tend to, and his young apprentice Danny Williams is sitting next to the phone,an. He has spent time wondering why Julie hasn't called back, where the hell Tyler is, and why he isn't answering the fucking phone, dammit. He is a literal wreck emotionally, and is too concerned to go out for the night. Following behind Wilson is The Boston Strangler, and behind him the two men who make up Chilly Chilly Bang Bang: Frost and Taylor Nicolas Thompson. So, for now, the Magnificent Seven seems to be more like the Four Horsemen and a terrified/angered Danny Williams.

 

Wilson: Ah... a truly memorable version of "The Shah and I"... it makes me appreciate Sean Connery even more as a stage actor...

 

TNT: That shit? Other than Connery, it sucked! Why'd you drag it to us anyways?

 

Wilson: Because, gentlemen, there is a story within a story in that play. It tells about how one man was too foolish to make good judgement, and he needed a lesson from another man to open his eyes to the world, see the truth, so to speak.

 

Strangler: As in you opening Edwin's eyes back to reality this Sunday?

 

Wilson: Exactly.

 

Chris then turns his attention to the man sitting on the couch, Danny Williams. The phone lies next to Danny's body. He looks to have been in that position for a while, as the beer cans and tissues littered around him are the evidence.

 

Wilson: Were you trying to call Tyler the whole time?

 

Williams: Yes. That asshole McClelland won't pick up. What the fuckin' hell do you want, dammit?

 

Wilson: I want you to stop concerning yourself with him and focus on the goal at hand. Wargames is this Sunday, and I don't need your ass moping around, concerned about that Julie girl. She's fine, Daniel.

 

Danny turns his eyes up into Wilson's face. His bloodshot eyes are filled with a mix of confusion, anger, and sadness.

 

Williams: She'd better be...

 

As TNT scans the room, the notices the window cracked open a smidgen and speaks up about the small detail.

 

TNT: Hey, why's the window open?

 

Williams: I dunno. I fell asleep around 4:30, and woke up just before you guys got back.

 

Wilson: Hmmm... someone must have broken in, most likely... (He pauses as he thinks deeply at the only group responsible in his eyes.) Carnies. Watch your step, gentlemen! We don't know where their traps are!

 

The men check around, Danny slowly rising off his feet off the couch as he saunters around. TNT heads toward the window as Wilson checks the bathroom cupboards, letting out a cry as he opens the last of them.

Wilson: The toilet paper's been stolen!

 

TNT: No, it's just been moved somewhere else...

 

As TNT looks out the window, the shot follows his sight of vison, focusing stores below on a car parked outside the hotel. It has been toilet papered heavily, tires removed, as the car is on cinderblocks, and along with the car's keys, locked inside the car. No physical damage to the outside of the car. Strange. The rest of M7 gathers around the window in awe.

 

Strangler: This makes no sense. Who would do such a thing-

 

"KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!" Someone is at the door. Wilson snaps around in anger and rushes to the door, flinging it open to find a skinny man of about 30, dressed in something that looks like a UPS uniform.

 

Telegram Man: Singing Telegram for Mr. Christopher Wilson.

 

Wilson: That's me. Spit it out.

 

The telegram man pulls out a whistle, toots on it, and begins to sing.

 

The Telegram Man: Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh... Asshole Man, Asshole Man, does what ever assholes can, blows up stuff, dumb as shit, better watch out or he'll grab your dick-Look out! Here comes Asshole Maaaaaaaa-

 

"SLAM!" The door flies back into it's normal closed position as Wilson just stares at the door before turning to his allies and making a quick command.

 

Wilson: Get me a drink.

 

Strangler nods and heads out to the kitchen as Wilson turns and heads back to the scene of the TPed car before a stunned Strangler cries out in surprise.

 

Strangler: All that's in here is... Pepsi Twist? What the f*ck's up with that?

 

Something turns on in Wilson's mind. Pepsi Twist? Strange. Seems familiar...

 

Wilson: Pepsi Twist?

 

Strangler: Yeah! That's all that's in here! Wait... and this damn tape!

 

Strangler walks out of the kitchen, black tape in hand.

 

Wilson: Play the tape.

 

Quick action takes place. The TV is turned on, tape inserted in the VCR, and it begins to rollas a friendly face pops up on the screen, beginning to dance and sing his special song.

 

Cutthroat: Cutthraot! Cut-cut-cutthroat! Cut-cut-cutthroat! Cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cutthroat! Cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cutthroat!

 

Wilson: What the hell is this?

 

TNT: Looks like Cutthroat singing a song and pointing, sir...

Suddenly, the angry Icelandic giant explodes in anger, knocking over an end table.

 

Frost: DAMMIT! THIS F*CKHOLE IS DRAGGING US AROUND AND TOYING WITH US! I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND THIS BASTARD AND MAKE HIS ASS FEEL WHAT AN EARLY WINTER IS LIKE! (He breathes heavily until he calms down and gets a grip on his anger.) I'm going to take a f*ckin' shower so I can just wash that tape out of my memory. It's damn disturbing...

 

And with that, the Frosty One ventures off toward the bathroom, slamming the door. Seconds later,we hear the water turn on in the shower as Frost takes a shower, leaving the other four to decipher the tape.

 

TNT: So, what do we make of this, fearless leader?

 

Wilson: Wait... (He looks closer at the tape, seeing Cutthroat doing some weird dance where he points.) Cutthroat's pointing at something... (Wilson turns around.) The bedroom...

 

All four men turn in unison as Wilson backs against the door. He presses an ear up against, clutches the doorknob with his hand, and nods. With great force, he throws the door open, flips on the light, and lets out a furious cry, but nothing is there, except a piece of string hanging from the ceiling.

 

Strangler: Jesus, what's up with this?

 

Williams: Is this some sick joke, cuz i'm not in the mood for this!

 

Wilson: Hold on. Strangler, check the closet. Williams, the bed. TNT... see what the string does.

 

TNT: Oooohhh... what does this string do?

 

Strangler: Nothing here, Chris.

 

Williams: Or here.

 

Wilson: Odd... why would our assailant have Cutthroat pointing to the bedroom...

 

Turning to the mirror, Wilson spots the folllowing words, spray-painted in black paint:

 

"Hey, dumbasses, turn

Around to find a surprise

Just for you guys"

 

'Tis the answer to Wilson's question. But what does it mean?

 

Strangler: This makes no sense...

 

Wilson: Hmmmm... haiku. Interesting...

 

Strangler: Who the hell writes in that, anyways?

 

Wilson: Surprise behind us...

 

TNT: What does the string do, Chris?

 

Wilson: NO! DON'T PULL IT!

 

Quick shot to TNT, who pulls on a string hanging from the ceiling out of curiousity. There is a rumbling noise, and the panels of the ceiling fall through, releasing platypuses, koalas, echidnas, kangaroos, and any other marsupials I missed, in their plush doll form. The room begins to flood wiuth the stuffed animals, burying the four men underneath a pile of them as the camera zooms out to cxatch the chaos. All is silent for a second, the shot changing to the big room where the promo started. The dolls block the doorway, but slowly, all four men dig their ways through the mess, TNT first, then Wilson, Williams, and Strangler.

 

Wilson: I think I know who's behind this... I need to make a call to Halifax General Hospital-

 

They hop onto their feet, but not a moment too soon as...

 

Frost: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

 

The Icelandic monster barges out of the bathroom, breaking the door down in the process. Wearing purple boxers, the Frosty One is covered in a shade of green. Someone re-wired the shower to spew out green dye, and Frost didn't see this until it was too late. The other members stand in awe as TNT snickers slightly, a thought coming to his mind.

 

Frost: LOOK WHAT THE F*CKER DID TO ME!!! AND WHY THE F*CK ARE YOU LAUGHING?

 

TNT: Hey, look, it's the Hulk! FROST SMASH! FROST SMASH GOOD! Wait... how about this? Our new tag team name... Chilly Chilly SMASH SMASH! What do you think Frost?

 

"POW!"

 

"CRACK!"

 

Another promo ended, another nose broken. Poor TNT.

 

--End--

[Guest ErekT2k]

 

Very very nice, Ash. Welcome back.

 

Quick action takes place. The TV is turned on, tape inserted in the VCR, and it begins to rollas a friendly face pops up on the screen, beginning to dance and sing his special song.

 

Cutthroat: Cutthraot! Cut-cut-cutthroat! Cut-cut-cutthroat! Cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cutthroat! Cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cutthroat!

 

My favorite line.

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

"Hey, dumbasses, turn

Around to find a surprise

Just for you guys"

 

Ash, you moron! That's 5-7-4, when Haikus are supposed to be 5-7-5!

 

j/k. Nice promo, and welcome back.

 

- Mike Van Siclen.

Christ references suck, because it demeans thy name. Sorry if I offended anyone by saying that.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

So Ash is getting back at the M7 by going all Carnival 2k1 on them? Interesting.

 

Unique use of dramatic irony in this case...in both the case of "Who attacked Ash?" and "Who's doing this to the M7?", we the viewers know more than the characters involved, which is a departure from our usual brand of swerving and surprises.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

"Hey, dumbasses, turn

Around to find a surprise

Just for you guys"

 

Ash, you moron! That's 5-7-4, when Haikus are supposed to be 5-7-5!

 

j/k. Nice promo, and welcome back.

 

- Mike Van Siclen.

Christ references suck, because it demeans thy name. Sorry if I offended anyone by saying that.

guys is two syllables. Clap it out. Guy-s. Like "cat-s" or "dog-s".

 

 

Therefore, it's 5-7-5.

[Guest TheBostonStrangler]

"Guys" is most definitely not two syllables.

 

*jobs Ash back to 2nd grade*

[Guest Tyler McClelland]

Wow Ash... just wow.

 

A syllable requires a vowel.

 

Get off my lawn.

 

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

OK, I'm wrong. ;;;

[Guest Muzz]

Good promo, I'd like it more if you made your sig smaller.

[Guest Rabbi_wilson13]

I'm going to have to agree with Sacred on the sig shrinkage, cuz thats a little much, and syllables are like the easiest part of English. For shame. And your date's wrong, unless wer'e getting a twisted look into the future.

 

But overall that was great, because obviously the M7 will think its Carnies because you should be dead. Viewers like it when they know more than the wrestlers, so this whole angle is fun because M7 and XF9 are equally in darkness. And promos in general rule. Big thumbs up to the PokeFreak.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

Ooops! Thanks, Sacred and Wilson. Missed that. I was thinking that because my first soccer game is that day, and it's the first day of school for me. I'll be a junior. Scaaaaary.

 

Thanks for the comments, guys. Wait until you see where the next one goes!

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

Ooops! Thanks, Sacred and Wilson. Missed that. I was thinking that because my first soccer game is that day, and it's the first day of school for me. I'll be a junior. Scaaaaary.

 

Thanks for the comments, guys. Wait until you see where the next one goes!

[Guest HVilleThugg]

Are you back bitch??

 

Why doesn't no one answer my questions when I ask them?!?

 

I juts want to know if I can book you for Smarkdown...fucker

 

Nice promo too...

 

Da "sheesh...pinheads" H

[Guest AnnieEclectic]

pinheads???

 

....

 

ONE OF US! ONE OF US! TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!

 

-Annie 'sorry, just had to' Eclectic