PROMO: Seinfeld

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

-M7 LOCKER ROOM, AUGUST 4TH, 2002, 1:06 PM-

 

Chris Wilson and crew gather in the locker room. All excpet Chris are seated. The TV is on, showing re-runs of Seinfeld. Great show, huh? It was great. GEORGE CONSTANZA OWNZ J00!!1! Ummm... got off topic. Lost my train of thought... oh, here it is. But what fun things does M7 have in store for us today? Let's find out, shall we?

 

Wilson(standing by the window): Ah, what a beautiful day today is. A fine day to plot out our future plans.

 

Frost: At least Ash Ketchum won't be here to snoop on us!

 

TNT: Yeah, we took care of his ass! YEAH!

 

Outcast: Jesus, what are you on, TNT? Ritalin?

 

TNT: No. Why do you ask?

 

Mercury: Enough. We're here for a reason.

 

Wilson abruptly turns around from the window, hands folded in each other behind his back as if he were a great military genius or dictator.

 

Wilson: Gentlemen, today is the beginning of the end not just for the Carnival, bur for X Force Nine. We have eliminated

 

Strangler: You bet. There won't be anything left of him for the cops to determine who he is.

 

Wilson: Good. I believe that I should take care of Pete.

 

Williams: I can handle Tod, if needed.

 

Wilson: Ah, thank you, young Williams. If the need comes, you will be sure to be called upon.

 

Strangler: Speaking of X Force Nine, I wonder what they're up to...

 

-XF9 LOCKER ROOM, AUGUST 4TH 2002, 1:13 PM-

 

The XF9 crew, minus Erek and Ash, is gathered around. They still have one thing on their minds, their comrade in the hospital.

 

 

LDP: So, what now? We wait for Ash to come back?

 

Renegade: Or do we leave him behind?

 

Tod: We continue on, that's what we do.

 

Renegade: Maybe we should dump him, since his career seems to be over-

 

Annie: Blargledargle. He's just fine. I'm telling you, I know these things. I talked to Misty last night on the phone and she assured me he's not done wrestling.

 

LDP: Well, that's good to hear. When will he be back?

 

Annie: I don't know when he'll be back, but I know who did this to him. Or I think I do.

 

Tod: Please, do tell...

 

Annie: Well, it goes something like this...

 

And with that, Annie begins to spin her little story, complete with yoinks, blargledargles, and other funny, nonsense words.

 

-COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE, AUGUST 4TH 2002, 1:29 PM-

 

Stubby P. McWeed, Lerrin Breggan, Sacred, The Suicide King, and JD sit back, relaxing after an oh-so tough night on Storm. Poor Mathew Kivell. The bastard is out of a job. Oh well.

 

Lerrin: Heh, Storm really proved how damn strong we are, didn't it?

 

JD: F*ck yeah, bitch! I hope the Jarretts are looking for another referee, because that's the only place Kivell's ever work again, for a shit organization like NWA!

 

King: Poor f*ck up. Oh well. Worse comes to worse, I'll probably see him again, washing windows in Dayton for a few bucks!

 

The other men laugh as JD takes another sip out of his beer bottle. He doesn't have a worry in the world right now. His biggest threat to the title has been eliminated. He couldn't be happier.

 

Stubby: And JD, you should be grateful that M7 took out Ash. You got lucky. He's gone for good now. No one could've survived that ass whooping and be able to come back again!

 

JD: Amen, Stubbs. I'll drink to that. (JD lifts his bottle into the air.) To the end of another career, namely that f*ckhole Ash Ketchum's! May his shining star forever be f*ckin' extinguished!

 

The other four men lift their bottles into the air with JD's.

 

Others: To the end of another amazing career!

 

As they toast to a happy celebration, we switch back to the XF9 locker room, where Annie tries to explain to the others who she thinks took Ash out.

 

Annie: ...And that's all the evidence I've found. I can't tell for certain, but I have a feeling that Ash's beating might have come at the hands of-

 

Wilson: Frost, I just happened to call Halifax General Hospital yesterday, and it turns out Ash is not there. Now, either you and TNT killed him, or somehow, he's been checked out. You had better not hope the latter. It was your job to finish him off and either end his career or kill him if you had to. None the matter, though. But if he comes back, Ash will head right for whoever cut him down. And then we'll get him.

 

Back in the M7 locker room, the others are gathered around Wilson as he details their latest plans.

 

Williams: So, what now?

 

TNT: Yes, please speak, fearless leader!

 

Mercury: Shut your damn mouth, TNT. Let the man speak.

 

Wilson: Well, for starters, I'd say we destroy some things. Like usual. For starters, I'd say that-

 

Annie: Edwin and the Carnies are on the hit list of things M7 wants to destroy. And you know if the Carnival is destroyed, and Ash comes back, he's going to lose it. That's what they want him to do.

 

Renegade: I believe so. Wilson's been trying to destory Edwin, and maybe, just maybe, he perceives Ash as the next Edwin, and could be gunning for him.

 

LDP: Which is why we need to keep better watch over the kid. Christ, he's only 27. He's got a long career ahead of him. We can't let these terrorists destroy him.

 

Tod: Now you're beginning to speak as you truly should. For everyone of us they take down, we knock off two of them. Agreed?

 

All: Agreed.

 

Back in the Commish's office, the men continue to party until Stubby decides to have some fun with some of the retired superstars still under contract. He searches his computer for exactly what he is looking for.

 

Stubby: Let's see... payroll listings... ah, Stryke's still on here! I think I might terminate him-

 

Stubby is about to eliminate Stryke when he notices something blinking. The system only blinks when a file has been updated. And that file is someone who was screwed out of everything.

 

Stubby: No...

 

JD: What up?

 

Stubby: This... this can't be happening!

 

The other four men gather around quickly and watch in amazement as Stubby highlights the name of Matthew Kivell. Clicking on it, the file opens up, and we can see Kivell's file... and numbers being moved, things changed, but not by Stubby.

 

King: Someone's hacking into the system...

 

Stubby: I CAN SEE THAT, DAMMIT! AND I CAN'T DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT UNTIL LATER!

 

JD: Umm... he just got a pay raise.

 

Stubby: HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE FIRED!

 

Lerrin: Why does he get a month's vacation?

 

Stubby slams his fist down on the desk in pure anger.

 

Stubby: WHO THE HELL IS DOING THIS?

 

Back in the XF9 Locker room, LDP and gang discuss what to do next when Erek Taylor, who has been absent so far, pops his head in the door.

 

Erek: Hey, guys, did you hear?

 

LDP: No, what?

 

Erek: Kivell's been rehired!

 

Tod: Kivell's back? But I thought-

 

JD: STUBBY FIRED THAT SON OF A BITCH!

 

The chaos in the Commish's office is all but over as the hacker has moved on. The only thing changed was Kivell's file, but still, Creative Control is very bitter about the whole situation.

 

Stubby: And the f*cker who did this gave him vacation time!

 

King: Try removing him from the payroll.

 

Stubby: I CAN'T, DAMMIT! The system's reconfigured by this hacker so I can't fire Kivell!

 

Lerrin: Well, this sucks. Maybe it was-

 

Wilson: The Carnies or X Force Nine. They're his two allies. He'll head to one fo them and start-

 

LDP: Getting ready to kill whoever tried to finish him off. I know Ash. He can have quite the mean streak. Why, in the JL, he fought with me, around the time JD was-

 

JD: THAT BIG FAT COCK SUCKER! I BEAT THE HELL OUT OF MATTHEW KIVELL, AND THIS BITCH REHIRES HIM! DAMMIT!

 

JD grabs Stubby's computer, tearing cords from the wall as he pulls it up and over his head.

 

JD: F*CK YOU, BITCH!

 

JD heaves the computer through a near-by window in anger, glass shattering everywhere as everyone watches in shock.

 

Sacred: Nice going, asshole.

 

JD: Oh shit.

 

Stubby: You better hope it's in one piece when I pick it up.

 

Cut to a shot of Cutthorat walking outside past a window as this happens.

 

Cutthroat: Cut-cutthroat-cut-cutthroat-throat-cut-

 

*CRASH!* The computer, namely the montior, nails Cutthroat in the head! OUCH! That's gonna leave a mark!

 

Cutthroat(running in circles like a constipated wiener dog): Cutthroat!!!!! CUTTHROAT! CUTTHROAT! CUTTHROAT! Cut-

 

And as Cutthroat suddenly passes out from the blow to the head, we get treated to quick shots of each room, where there are questions to be asked by various people.

 

Mercury: Who the hell could be behind all this prank shit?

 

Sacred: Who the f*ckin' hell hacked into Stubby's damn computer and re-hired that bastard?

 

Renegade: Man, who could be the one's causing all this crazy shit to go down?

 

And the answer?

 

Wilson: Carnies.

 

Stubby: Carnies.

 

LDP: Carnies?

 

Cut to a black screen:

 

-MIDNIGHT CARNIVAL LOCKER ROOM, AUGUST 4TH 2002, 4:39 PM-

 

We fade in to see the World Champion, Edwin MacPhisto, enjoying his time off after Wargames. Sitting with him are Z and El Luchador Magnifico. A deck of playing cards lies scattered over the table after another exciting and extreme game of Go Fish. The Crown Prince of Flash and Panache places another strawberry daquiri down on the table as Z picks up his Juicy Juice box.

 

Edwin: *sigh* Z... I just can't get over the fact that you called out Silent on Storm. You are risking a lot in a hardcore match against him. The odds are really stacked against you, mate.

 

Z: Yeah. At least I have Annie's help now.

 

ELM: But still... do you know what you've gotten your self into, Senór Z?

 

Suddenly, the ringtone of the Mexican National Anthem kicks in as ELM reaches back for his cellular phone. The former four-time Light Heavyweight Champion quickly picks it up, answering the small Motorola.

 

ELM: Hello? Who? You kidding, amigo? But... ohh... really? Where are you? Wow... wait. You have something to tell me? Si, senór. You have my word. Uh huh... ... ... ... si, I got that. I'll let them know later, amigo. Adiós. Buena suerte, tipo.

 

ELM places the

 

Z: Who was that?

 

ELM: I believe it was Senór Ketchum...

 

Suddenly, Z spits apple juice everywhere in surprise and shock. Edwin ducks the spray of juice, but ELM gets hit with some of it as part of the reaction.

 

Z: HOLY F'N BOVINES! HE'S ALIVE?!?!?!

 

*cue Seinfeld theme here to lead to...*

----------

The End

----------

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

A little bit overboard, but all was made well by JD throwing the computer into the wall. IT'S A SHOOT!

[Guest Beingz0wningj00]

No more drugs... for that boy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jay Dawg says: "That boy ain't right."

[Guest Kibagami]

But...

 

But...

 

WHAT ABOUT SILENT?!?

[Guest TheBostonStrangler]

OK....there was some good stuff in this, but there was some pretty bad stuff too. First, the positives:

 

Positives:

 

- The style: It was fairly well-written. I liked the cuts, some of the jokes were pretty funny, and the play on words were nice.

 

- JD throwing a computer against the wall. "art" imitating life is always funny.

 

However, there were some big problems I had with this.

 

- You butchered a number of characters, namely Wilson, Stubby, and JD.

 

- Ash being the center of every plot by M7. Trust me, Wilson isn't particularly concerned with taking out Ash Ketchum. The M7 just took out Ash because he knew a little too much, and not because he's the biggest threat to them. Also, JD beat you pretty badly repeatedly. I don't think he'd be thanking the good lord that you're gone.

 

- Why exactly was Cutthroat in the arena? The bit was kinda funny, but it makes no sense.

 

- How in the BLUE HELL do you know what a constipated weiner dog sounds like?

[Guest Beingz0wningj00]

"How in the BLUE HELL do you know what a constipated weiner dog sounds like?"

 

 

I think I am also entitled to ask that question...

[Guest Longdogger_Pete]

"How in the BLUE HELL do you know what a constipated weiner dog sounds like?"

 

Listen to "Albuquerque," the final track on Weird Al Yankovic's Running With Scissors album.

[Guest Thoth]

I swear to God, if I read something like this again, I'm fucking having you banned from the boards. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST DO NOT PISS ME OFF WHEN I AM ON A SUGAR HIGH.

[Guest AnnieEclectic]

Well, aren't I an idiot. Ash was never LHW champ? Where did I come up with that, I was almost certain he had two belts.... god I suck sometimes.....

 

 

Okay, time to be brutally honest.

 

Ash. please, never promo again. honestly. We all love being XF9 but currently we are NOT the big stable, we aren't even #2. Some could argue losing #3 since Stubby heads CC. There aren't any stables left. Do math.

 

Secondly, no, you aren't that important. not right now anyway....

 

Thirdly: MOTHER FUCKING BLARGLED'Y'ARGLE! IT'S USED AS A EXPLETIVE. IT'S NOT EVEN IN MY STATS ANYMORE. STOP, STOP WITH THE SENSELESS BUTCHERING OF MY CHARACTER, FOR THE SECOND TIME. PLEASE.

 

Okay... trying to be constructive....

 

the promo has faults, but it could be good. the fast cuts are good, but too fast. the brain tends to start and stop and try to keep up and fail. kick it down from 80 MPH to around 65 MPH

 

put other people over. period. also, try to remember where you currently are. We all know you're super face, but that doesn't mean that Ash's huge ego should translate over to anything not directly said by him. You're a former HC champ, so you aren't a jobber, but you're not Wilson, Edwin, Thugg, or Thoth either.

 

Thirdly, how would Annie know who to tie this to? How would any XF9er know? IF anyone were able to make the leap, most likely it would be LDP. Problem is he already promoed that. so that defeats the purpose of this.

 

I hope I'm being helpful because you're angering more people than you're entertaining. I hate to brutally honest but it's true. you have huge potential, but ya gotta work on some of this stuff.

 

When you hit a World Title shot, then you're one of the most important people in promos. Till then, calm down

 

EDIT 2: Also, by no means am I perfect either, but dammit, I hate seeing the person who brought me here get so much heat for writing a promo. And although I don't like it I can't defend against it either. So really, I'm trying to help, even though I'm rather angry myself. Replace angry with guilty, but I wont edit the post any further. Except for the thinking you were LHW part.... oops

 

-Annie

[Guest BA_Baracus]

PROMO (Stubby P. McWeed);

"Personally I liked it.

 

If Silent can be put over like the second coming of Christ, then I don't think everyone has to jump down Ash's throat for not being humble enough.

 

But "the next Edwin"? Heh...suuuure.

 

Mothernature says..."

[Guest Muzz]

Maybe I should make poor promos too, then I'd get more of a response on mine.

[Guest AnnieEclectic]

...I guess I was just angry about how my character was portrayed.... again.... in the promo. at least for the first part. Yeah, Silent is getting billed as the Messiah or something around here, but the problem with going against that is that he has the backing of most of the MEers here minus Wilson. Ash doesn't have that background to work off of. So in that regard killing off Ash, while not being a good thing in any regard, still doesn't have the impact that would a MEer, which seems to be what the promo is promoting.

 

Plus, I really dont think XF9 is that important in the fed.... YET... heh heh

 

Wilson is involved, yes, but he was more trying to kill off the stable more than just one person.

 

Promo idea on the whole was good, I dunno, I guess my main problems were the scale on how everyone was portrayed (Ash/XF9 at the top and the most important people in the fed) and the fact that it's going 80 MPH. My brain hurts trying to read it on a quick read through.

 

 

 

 

 

I apologize for being a royal bitch earlier, I guess I was venting some other frustrations into the post as well, hopefully I at least helped out with something constructive.....

 

-Annie

[Guest Kibagami]

::walks across a lake to heal an injured swan::

 

...what?

 

S.

[Guest Longdogger_Pete]

No comment at the promo, because Annie pretty much covered everything.

 

Annie, to answer your question, there *was* a time where Ash was carrying two belts... in a promo he wrote in his first week in the SWF, he was carrying both the SWF Hardcore title, which he won in his first match, and the SJL World title, which he hadn't yet lost.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

Eh... if I keep screwign things up, I'm not promoing anymore. I just suck at it, I guess. Oh well.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

Nevermind.

 

I'll just work on this complicated stuff in my off time.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

Nevermind.

 

I'll just work on this complicated stuff in my off time.

[Guest Insane Clown Dan]

*sigh* This is probably being said way too late, but I have been angered on numerous occasions by Ash as well. The last major one was his JL "prank" promos with Flesher where we all lost our collective sanities in the process, but I am specifically pissed at how Ash wrote a promo with my character and used really stupid, ultra-immature insults towards me whilst putting himself mega-over and making me look like a complete unworthy jobber when I'm 2-1 against him... and did this without actually asking my permission if he could totally degrade someone else's character. I know I'm one to hold grudges, but that's been badgering me for quite a while... and it had 10% relevance =P

 

Ash, with all due respect, you need to write way more serious promos... at least more than you have been. I believe you are a good writer, but you have been killing us with nonstop nonsense.

[Guest BA_Baracus]

PROMO (Stubby P. McWeed);

"We don't need more serious stuff.

 

We have enough as it is.

 

Mothernature says..."

[Guest Insane Clown Dan]

Well I meant that Ash should be more serious as a writer, not meaning that he should only write things that are INTENSE~!. I don't mean uberserious... just not absolutely fucking ridiculous.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

Flexxx...

 

when was that? Sorry, dude. I didn't mean to.

 

From now on, I'm gonna put other people over in serious promos, even if I damage myself. That way, everyone's happy.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

Or at least that's what you all want.

 

Go ahead and vote whether you want me to stop being funny. Because, after reading many of your responses, all you want out of me is serious stuff.

[Guest Insane Clown Dan]

You don't have to damage yourself, damnit. The part of having a good feud is putting over both rivals equally! We're not the WWE, okay? We can do things correctly!

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

I know. I'm sorry. I guess I should just shut my mouth and cut my losses.

[Guest TheBostonStrangler]

Ash, be funny. Trust me, you do that better than serious. But be fairly realistic, and don't put yourself over the entire fed. Think about current events, and what people's reactions would be. Work on understanding the characters you write, and get them right, instead of writing them in a way that helps the promo. Just work on that.

[Guest AnnieEclectic]

exactly what TBS said. I think Flexxx was trying to say that too in his own stunted little way (j/k)

 

you write humorous best. and it's not that you can't promo, its that

 

a) your perspective is quite skewed (i.e. where you and XF9 stand)

 

and

 

B) your perception of other's characters are skewed

 

this promo seems to completely fuck up everyone, but I mean, c'mon, save for the Carnies EVERYONE IN THE FED IS IN THIS PROMO!!! I would never do this. Why? There's no chance in hell I'd get everyone right. I was worried about doing an all XF9 promo and screwing up one of those characters, and I've promoed with them before!

 

 

I think, in all honesty, you're main problem is perspective. put everything you want to do in the perspective of the fed, and then write.

 

-Annie

[Guest Beingz0wningj00]

Ash.... I give you hell... I beat you up.

 

 

But honestly. I respect your ability to stick with it. Now like others said, don't use half the league... don't do promos without others permission. I gave Thugg hell for using my character without notifying me. I'll do it to you to... Do I have a problem? No. But notified yes, because I can't read everything.

 

 

 

And take this how you will, but myself and CC gave about two shits about you being gone.

[Guest SupaTaft]

I believe in promos the old saying "Keep it simple stupid" applies quite well. Granted you have a simple concept, i.e different stables discussing Ash's being out and what not, but you simply involved too many people. When writing a promo, I personally believe you should involve your character as present it it, but to each his own. It is much easier to write when you don't have to think about so many other peoples' characters.

 

Its just like writing a match. Its far easier one on one, then writing a six man tag. In one on one you only have to learn the specifics of two characters and you can get much more involved. In the six man, no matter how hard you try, your still jut kinda throwing out moves and you dont get the true beauty of the match squeezed in. You see where I'm coming from?

 

Ash man, we're just trying to help you out here (with the possible exception of Thoth). Its the old idea that helping out others get better in turn, allows you to get better. You've got the talent man, now you just have to focus and take your character into perspective in the company. Just like Neo's boss from The Matrix said, the company contains individuals, and the company functions because the individuals realize that they are part of a whole. Therefore, if an individual has a problem, the company has a problem.

 

The best advice I can give you promowise (keep in mind I'm still just a lowly JLer) is to take a hint from how everyone else does their promos. Individuallity is always a good thing, but when writing promos, it doesn't always pay to go off on a limb and try something new. Just stick with the one on one conversations, or maybe just conversations between the stable. You "work" with those guys, you should be able to get their characters down well enough.

 

And hell, read Annie E.'s promos. Every one of them. She is a great promo worker and she has a very down to Earth style. That same sort of realism is exactly what the new Ash Ketchum needs, in order to grow. Like it or not, wrestling now days is really focused on realism. There aren't too many ludicrous gimmicks left, myself included. To get Ash onto that next step, he needs to be grounded.

 

Just my opinions man, don't take them if you don't want to.

 

-Taft