Hierarchy of Absolute Power III

[Guest Asplagis]

The Rebels of North America

 

Part I - The McMahon Empire Strikes Back and George Lucas Sues for Millions

 

When Ted Arcidi was dethroned by the wily Atsushi Ohnita, America suffered a sudden and strange upheaval that changed the face of the power structure in North America's wrestling world.

 

The great changes left the door open for rebels of all kinds to come in and hit people over the head using sacs filled with doorknobs and other such tomfoolery... but it was all in good fun until someone put out an eye...

 

His name was Hawkeye Dick and he was on a quest to find the legendary Stan Hansen in hopes of reviving the old reign of tough surly (and horny!) Texans in America. Sadly, Hawkeye Dick was hit in the eyes by a stray doorknob and lost use of one of his precious occular organs.

 

Dazed and confused, mainly because those doorknobs were pretty big down in Texas, why, once the Great Kabuki found a doorknob so big that he almost pinned Kevin Von Erich after hitting him with it! Had this been Chris or Mike it might have worked, but seeing as this was one of the GOOD Von Erich brothers and not one of the wussy lesser brothers it didn't work at all...

 

Back to the story...

 

Deadeye Dick joined up with Black Bart and Dirty Dutch Mantell as the scruffy Texan Hillbillies with Dirty Beards - THDB for short. It didn't catch on so they tried ZZ Tap (to avoid infringing upon copyrights), but it didn't work at all since they couldn't get cars (or cheap tramps in revealing outfits for that matter) to appear from out of nowhere. So they agreed upon the Desperados and were the first true rebel group to attempt a take over since the days of Arcidi and Ohnita's timeless feud...

 

Sadly, they stunk (they didn't call them Dirty Beards for nothing!) and Stan Hansen was already back in Japan humping Motoko Baba's booty for food and had no desire to go back to those scruffy Von Erich-lovin' Texas girls. Motoko Baba's ass had centuries of latent erotic powers handed down to her from a long ancestry of famous geisha... That my friends, is something no scrawny cowgirl with braces could hope to match EVEN with extra short Daisy dukes!

 

Easily crushed, they would attempt a comeback under the guidance of the travelling pastor St-Russo of the church of Later Day Sports Entertainement. He suggested that Deadeye Dick be named "Deadeye's Dick Hurtz", Dirty Dutch Mantell would be "Dirty Dutch Sanchez" and Black Bart could take the mantle of "Black Bart" - you see Russo had lost his smile by then and with it, all of his creative genius.

 

Their new names did allow them an audience with porn mogul Rob Black who responded to their demands for food and shelter by saying : "Your mothers suck cunt !" Black Bart broke down in tears, stating that indeed his mother sucked cunt and he was an accident... The men left Black's offices and were never heard from again, except Mantell who had supplied one Jerry "The King" Lawler with fresh meat for his fast food joint in the past and thus had a good relationship with the King of Memphis.

 

One man learned a lot from the failure of the Desperados and for years he had been secretely plotting a takeover of the North American continent with his brand of double standards and big men. To this day, his ambitions had been thwarted by the dedicated work of the Orange Goblin and so Antichristo had nothing to fear - he would remain the main source of EVIL for ages to come. Little did the all powerful Luchadore Overlord of Hell knew that Vincent K. McMahon Jr. had plans of his own...

 

McMahon was well aware of the fact that Ohnita had an Asian nerve hold on the continent and tried in vain to one-up the Gods themselves by controlling the Entities of Ultimate Glory. Never one to be outdone, he hired a bizarre tandem of mystics to create a new set of Holy Entities of Ultimate Glory in a bid to overthrow the Lord of Hell. If he couldn't buy them outright, he'd make new, better ones with the plans stolen from someone else! That's how the McMahon's worked!

 

The mystics were white Voodoo Queen Sherri Martell and "He Who Speaks in Tongues" aka the Dingo Warrior aka The Ultimate Warrior. Together, they used their magickal powers to forge three mighty living artifacts that could almost match the original Entities' power!

 

First came the Obese Ass of Yokozuna to literally squash all comers. While not as directly powerful or agile and versatile as Koshinaka's Ass, it had the Power of Wild Samoan Obesity!

 

Then, to challenge the Mask of El Santo, he made The Horrid Jockstrap Mask of Aldo Montoya! While El Santo's mask would bring any and all red blooded Mexican to his knees to honour the great Lucha legacy and numerous bad movies of El Santo, Aldo Montoya's Mask could bring any sane individual to his or her knees with laughter because it really looks like he's wearing a jockstrap over his head!

 

Last but not least, to counter the devastating effects of the corpse of Rizidozan, he needed something more powerful than both previous artifacts... As he leered at his teenage daughter Stephanie and her young, growing body, he couldn't help but think of what might be in a few years... "He Who Speaks in Tongues" warned the devious megalomaniac of the dangers of caskets and open graves, while asking for the support of a certain AmandaUltimate Warrior... Sherri, who tends to make more sense, simply said that his plans went against the laws of nature themselves and she could not persue in the creation process of the third Entity.

 

McMahon brainwashed the easily confused "He Who Speaks in Tongues" by strapping the WWF World title belt around his waist. The WWF World Title Belt was an artifact which belonged to the Orange Goblin at first. It allowed him to use the power of Hulking Up as well as giving his skin a nice radioactive glow. On the other hand, it made him subject to confusion such as the time he wore a helmet with a fist on top. "HWSiT"'s mind quickly turned to mush and Sherri was offered a night with the WWF's most elligible bachelors in Shawn Micheals, Ted DiBiase, Rick Martel and "Macho Man" Randy Savage... as well as Zeus for good measure...

 

Being a Voodoo Queen, she enjoyed a little tantric ritual once in a while and gushed with joy at the idea of practicing her Voodoo on that big, black... chap... ahem...

 

Thus compensated, they began their dirty work knowing full well that they were toying with powers that surpassed their own...

 

"Boil, boil, toil and trouble..." said Sherri before her cauldron...

 

"Speak to me my Warriors raahhhhhhhhhh !!! *snort* *growl*" said the slightly confused "He Who Speaks in Tongues" while looking in his hands and wondering if he should change soap, since his skin was dry and cracked from the radiation of the belt.

 

It would take the duo numerous years before they achieved success and during this time, the sexual antics of WWF star, Shawn Micheals, led to the emergence of new playpals...

 

One was Big Kev (hell bent for leather and ready to steamroll over Micheals' ass) along with Scott Hallcoholic (who oozed with Machismo when not puking all over the place) and last, but not least, a large nosed fellow with long flowing hair who went by the name HHH.

 

The Clique, as they called themselves, was little more than a gathering of men who liked a little manly fun once in a while. They even added Chyna, the alluring plastic hermaphrodite, and the spunky Lightning Kid (known for his love of banging his crotch in people's faces) to complete their love-in.

 

Micheals didn't know that one of his playboys had a secret mission... Indeed, Triple H was the Big Nosed Goblin sent by Antichristo to replace the weakened Orange Goblin.

 

McMahon, wiser to Antichristo's ways than the lust-struck Micheals, sensed that something was afoot with that large schnozz... Nevertheless, he played his cards carefully, knowing that his creation was almost complete.

 

He had no choice for the Obese Ass of Yokozuna was a dismal failure in the end. It simply would not stop growing! While it certainly hampered the actions of the Orange Goblin, it was JUST TOO FAT for its own good.

 

The Jockstrap mask of Aldo Montoya was stolen by some dumb (but heroic and worthy of our respect and admiration) jock who had no clue what powers the artifact held. It happened when its wearer, P.J. Walker, became an alcoholic due to the shame spiral and joined Hallcoholic and famous crackhead, Jake Roberts, in the original drunken posse.

 

After a night on the town, he stumbled upon a bingo hall where weekend anarchist Paul Heyman begged some local derelict to wrestle for him. He was promising beer and smokes in return for falling into barbed wire and rolling around the mat with some Jew who happens to be a big comic book geek and might grab his ass when he's not looking. With a loud crash, the weirdo jock started running around screaming "EC F'N W !! EC Dubbayu... EC Dubbayu... EC Dubbayu..." and stole the mask from the head of the inebriated youngster claiming he'd show this to his pals at the dorm. "Look at me Francine, I'm mr. Jockstrap!!! Hahahahaha!! EC F'N W!!!" said the man to his horse-faced fiancée. Eventually, McMahon took over the ECW faction, but never did find the mask...

 

By the time the Obese Ass of Yokozuna and the Jockstrap Mask of Aldo Montoya were no longer in McMahon's possession, the third artifact had to be prematurely unveiled lest the Big Nosed Goblin repair the glass ceiling of doom...

 

Enter Stephanie McMahon Helmsley...

 

At first, she was an innocent young woman who had her own peculiar charm as a (particularly wealthy) girl next door but had a secret crush on the now larger than life bacne sporting Big Nosed Goblin. The Big Nosed Goblin, who in the meantime had acquired the WWF world belt and had grown to immense proportions (yet lost his cool hair in the process), thought it could be fun to play around with a real girl instead of Chyna and Shawn... Still, he kept in touch with Big Kev for some head to head action on weekends... ahem...

 

The world watched in awe as the coupling of Stephanie Mcmahon and HHH unleashed the powers hidden inside the young woman's body. Soon, she'd start wearing more makeup and act like a skank. It wasn't her fault though... Inside of her, a tremendous hormonal disbalance caused her body to mutate - it was the power that the mystics had infused her with all those years ago!

 

Another change occured in the young woman's figure, in two noticeable areas... Her mammaries had grown from the size of grapefruits to that of, well, Abdullah the Butcher, Ric Flair and Tarzan Goto's manboobs combined !

 

Lawler, upon seeing her breasts, immediately went into seizure and McMahon gave the fans a sinister grin all the while leering perversely at his own daughter's ample cleavage. J.R. was unimpressed, stating that Hosses are better than Puppies.

 

McMahon's cleavage was the secret weapon destined to take out the Big Nosed Goblin much like the WWF belt and the Obese Ass of Yokozuna had dealt a decisive blow to the Orange Goblin. With them, she could have any man at her feet and force the Goblin to do her bidding. The question is, can

the mastermind behind all this control Stephanie McMahon's Oversized Mammaries of Unchained Lust or will he too be consummed by their mind altering properties ?

 

In these times of chaos, much can happen, but right now we're out of time fans !