Promo: Woe Is Tom

[Guest Ace309]

Gus huffs and puffs, following the microphone-bearing Ben Hardy through the Denver International Airport. Hardy, looking unusually professional, walks backwards as he talks.

 

"We're here," he says, "at Denver International Airport, where Tom Flesher's flight from Buffalo-Niagara was scheduled to land half an hour ago. We imagine he's out of security by now, so..." Hardy looks up and sees a big arrow-shaped sign.

 

BAR! Next right!

 

He mutters, "and there we are." He takes a quick right, and as he turns, he sees Flesher sitting forlornly on a stool with his equipment bag under the seat and his punk-patched black messenger bag over his shoulder. Flesher has on his standard jeans, blue and white Boilermaker t-shirt and Doc Martens on, with the US Title wrapped neatly around his waist. In his hand, he holds...

 

 

A boilermaker, of course. You expected any less?

 

 

Hardy sits down next to him. Flesher looks up and grunts approvingly. Hardy begins his spiel. "This Sunday, at SWF Apocalypse, Tom Flesher will defend-"

 

"Hey, Ben?" Tom interrupts, after taking a sip of his drink. "Can you cut the crap? I'm kinda depressed."

 

Hardy breaks character, his face falling. "Seriously? Tom, what's wrong?"

 

Flesher sighs and takes another swig of his boilermaker. "Ben, I don't think people respect me." Hardy clears his throat and begins to talk, but Flesher cuts him off. "They don't appreciate all I've put into this sport. Ben, do you know everything I've done here?"

 

"Well, I-"

 

"Ben, I labored in the JL for what seemed like an eternity. I was there for TWO and a HALF MONTHS! TWO AND A HALF! Those were 78 of the best days of my life, all spent paying my dues in the minors! Jesus, with that kind of luck, it's a miracle I didn't peak right there in the bush leagues! Luckily, I'm superior enough that I held it off for a while. But Ben, every one of those days, I sat in the SJL locker room and thought. I thought long and hard about the road to the SWF, and at the end of those 11 weeks, I was as happy as I've ever been."

 

"Your pay-per-view opponent, Ash Ketchum, was in the IGNML and SJL for a total of-"

 

"Happy... except, Ben, for one thing."

 

"What's tha-"

 

"I was stuck with a horrible, awful, terrible gimmick! 'Durandal.' What does that even mean?"

 

"It was-"

 

"I KNOW what it means, Ben. That's not the point. The point was that I got stuck playing a goddamn Goth for a month and a half... the longest month and a half of my life. Sure, I had the SJL World Championship... but jesus, all the groupies! It's nice to screw a buxom Goth chick once in a while, but it was CONSTANT! I was so tired that my ringwork was suffering!"

 

"On that note, as you know, Misty is preg-"

 

"Ben, do you know how annoying it is to be in demand the way I am? But I'm dedicated to this sport! Why, on less than a week's notice, I once had to book a first class flight from Buffalo to Toronto! Do you know how hard that is?"

 

"Couldn't you dri-"

 

"NO ONE flies first class from Buffalo to Toronto! They're all commuter planes! But I managed to dig through all those listings and find a flight, and guess what. I got there, and I got a measly $1500 payday. Mind you, Ben, that's $1500 CANADIAN. But did I complain?"

 

"It sounds li-"

 

"And jesus. Speaking of planes, I just went through this again. Every time I go through a metal detector, it goes off. Why, you ask? Is it because of the steel plates in my left arm? The change in my pockets? The steel toes on my Docs?"

 

"It's the bel-"

 

"No, Ben, it's the fact that I have two championship belts with me. ALL THE TIME. Do you know what happens when I go through the metal detector?"

 

"It goes-"

 

"It goes OFF, Ben. And I have to take my belts out of the bags and show them to the security guards. And once the belts are out, all hell breaks loose. The kids all come running up to me and asking if they can see the belts, hold the belts, kiss my boots, date me, all that crap. In fact, there are so many kids wanting to have their photos taken with my belts that I have to line them up in three lines: US, Light Heavyweight and Both. And would you believe the parents? Ben, some of them won't even pay the fee."

 

"Ash Ketchum has held-"

 

"And I have TWO of them! Do you know how heavy these things are?"

 

"I'd wager around-"

 

"Fifteen pounds EACH! They just get so heavy at the end of the day."

 

"Ash was also a double-"

 

"But Ben, it's worth it. Do you know why?"

 

Hardy thinks before opening his mouth, then very, very quickly says, "Why?"

 

"Because of my legions of adoring fans." Flesher starts to look up, slightly energized. "Ben, my fans are what keep me going. And they're what's going to win me the match against Ash Ketchum this week at Apocalypse. Yes, Ben, my fans are going to follow me into Denver and cheer me on while I brutally slaughter the Cerebral Prankster."

 

"So you-"

 

"That, and the fact that Ash sucks more nuts than a squirrel packing for winter."

 

Hardy sighs, and then looks at Gus as Flesher slams down the last of his boilermaker. "Ladies and gentlemen," says Hardy, "there you have it. Tom Flesher predicts a retention and further posits that Ash Ketchum swings the way of Bobby Riley. Thank you, and goodnight."

 

 

 

 

 

~EPILOGUE~

 

Ben Hardy was brutally beaten by a gang of midgets.

 

Tom Flesher had another boilermaker.

 

Andrew Rickmen is still at large.

[Guest Kibagami]

"That, and the fact that Ash sucks more nuts than a squirrel packing for winter."

 

 

Ratings.

 

Good stuff, Flesher.

 

S.

[Guest realitycheck]

Cutting off Ben = Fucking comedy gold.

 

That epilogue = Genius

 

Tom Flesher = My hero.

 

What more needs to be said?

 

-Z

[Guest kelloggs]

Bah this sucks...

 

Taamo hits me in the head for being an ass

 

whispers

 

Mak shakes his fist in anger...

 

Oh he wants positive comments. Well Flesher is my idol so he can do no wrong. That and I saw this before you all. HAHAAHAHAH

 

M. "Shakes a fist almost as good as Muzz" Francis

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

He did as requested. He did a board promo.

 

He is the bomb. That was ridiculous. I love all our multi-layered dramatic characters and everything lately, but for pure concept and enjoyability, nothing beats the Superior One.

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

That was a great, straight forward promo. Very funny and very much in character. I think you could have done a little more to build the coming match with Ash, but it was basically a cool little blurb.

[Guest BA_Baracus]

PROMO (Stubby P. McWeed);

"Uhm...riiiight.

 

Gotcha'.

 

Mothernature says..."