Frost Brand Cigars

[Guest WrestlingDeacon]

FROST BRAND CIGARS

FEEL THE CONSEQUENCES OF AN EARLY CANCER

 

The camera fades in on a box of cigars spinning slowly in the empty expanse of a sky blue background. The box is open and a picture of SWF wrestler Frost is painted on the inside of the lid in an Uncle Sam pose, finger pointing out. A generic announcer drones in on voice-over.

 

Announcer: “New from SWF enterprises, it’s FROST BRAND QUALITY CIGARS! Now you too can annoy people and disgust friends just like the SWF tag team champion with these finely crafted cigars hand rolled in Panama by abducted children from Mongolia. Just listen to these testimonies from the greatest SWF superstars…that were available at the time.”

 

The camera cuts to an empty studio with the background music from “Laugh-In” playing where Hville Thugg is shown from the waist up holding a smoking cigar in his hand.

 

Thugg: “Yo, shit, these are the fuckin’ bomb. If you don’t buy them we’ll come to your fuckin’ house. I ain’t playin’.”

 

Cut to TNT holding a cigar up for the camera.

 

TNT: “WATCH THEM EXPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODE!”

 

Director: (off camera) “Taylor, the cigars don’t explode.”

 

TNT: “WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT!”

 

Cut to Z, a thick cloud of smoke enveloping the entire immediate area. He is puffing on the cigar for dear life and hacking and coughing with enough ferocity to hack up a lung.

 

Z: “COUGH….HACK…..HURUMPH…I don’t think I should be smoking this…HYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”

 

Cut to World Champion Edwin MacPhisto, cigar clenched in his lips and happily puffing away.

 

MacPhisto: “If there is one thing I enjoy more than a Frost brand cigar, it’s the Edwin MacPhisto nicotine patch.”

 

Edwin turns sideways to the camera and rolls up his sleeve to reveal a clear patch on his bicep. He flexes his arm to show off the patch.

 

MacPhisto: “Beat your addiction with flash and panache.”

 

Director: “Cut! Cut! Cut!”

 

Edwin shrugs his shoulder with a blank, confused look on his face.

 

Cut to Mistress Sarah dressed in a strangely seductive business suit and perched atop an oak desk in a very dignified study. A cigar is hanging very loosely from her bright red lips.

 

Sarah: “You don’t even want to know what I like to do with Frost brand cigars.”

 

Cut back to Z, eyes watering and a puffy red, wheezing away.

 

Z: “AHUH…AHWHOYA…I don’t think I should be hearing that….HUHUGUGUHUHUU!”

 

Cut to Stubby McWeed.

 

Stubby: “I’ve never been one for smoking tobacco, but if you take that crap out, the paper is damn fine for rolling.”

 

He holds up a blunt about the size of a small terrier.

 

Cut to Silent, three cigars in his mouth, a thick cloud of smoke around his head. He looks at the camera, preparing to speak, then shakes his head negatively.

 

Silent: “I ain’t selling these damn thing.”

 

He proceeds to eat all three cigars and storms off of camera.

 

Cut to Bobby Riley lying dreamy eyed on top of a bail of hay. He is wearing a pair of tight blue jeans and no shirt. His arms are wrapped around his chest and a cigar is dangling from his moist lips.

 

Riley: “You know what comes between me and my Frost brand cigars? Nothing…”

 

He blows a kiss at the camera.

 

Cut back to Z, bent over with his hands on his knees and spitting up flem.

 

Z: “MWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH….YOWKAYOWKA…I don’t think I should be seeing that….FWEMICK…GRONKAGRONKA!”

 

Cut back to TNT trying to shove an M-80 into the rear of the cigar. He lights the fuse and it promptly explodes with all the force of an atomic bomb. A fireball engulfs the screen. It fades to reveal TNT in full black face with his hair swept back, much like a character in an old Tex Avery cartoon. He turns shocked to the camera.

 

TNT: (in a hollow voice) “Don’t you believe it.”

 

Cut back to the original image of the cigar box rotating in mid-air.

 

Announcer: “Frost brand cigars. Feel the consequences of an early cancer TODAY!”

 

Thugg: (in voice over) “Go ahead, bitches, see if I’m playin’.”

[Guest Ace309]

Oh my fucking god.

 

You are the MAN.

[Guest realitycheck]

Dear. Sweet. Lord. God.

 

I humbly submit before you this worship, in the form of my 200th post, a miniscule number barely worthy to grace the godliness that has been layed before me.

 

You are god.

 

::bows to Frost::

 

-Z

[Guest Insanityman]

Jesus Christ, I haven't laughed that hard outloud from an internet piece of writing in a while...

 

 

*Wipes tear away* whoo...

[Guest 5_moves_of_doom]

After reading this 3 times...I have decided that I love Frost, in a completely heterosexual way.

 

And Frost, I DO wanna know what Sarah likes to do with Frost brand cigars!

 

TELL MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Puh-leeze?

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

As if I needed another reason to mark for Frost. So fricking hilarious.

[Guest CED Ordonez]

I don't smoke, but hell, I'll buy 12 of whatever Frost is selling!

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, for your mathematic approval:

Frost > x > Us, where x = GOD

 

Proof: This thread. Fucking awesome.

[Guest Thoth]

Sarah uses the cigars to make butter.

 

Wait a minute.

[Guest AnnieEclectic]

...what?

 

 

Wow, I mean, wow, that's the funniest stuff I've read since... either TNT's match or the Lady Red/Thugg laundry detergent commercial.

 

Edwin's Nicotine Patch.... GOLD!

 

-Annie

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Frost.....

 

 

Wow...holy fucking shit...That is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Shit...that's fucking great.