Something I wrote

[Metal Ed]

I haven't wrote much since I dropped out in 9th grade, but my buddy Matt asked me to do something for his metal zine, Damage Inc. so I figured I'd help him out. Tell me what y'all think:

 

THE LEGEND OF THE ROCK BOX

by Edward James Bonham III

 

The year is 1993. In a Sanyo factory in Japan, a series of generic jukeboxes come off of an assembly line. The factory workers stare intently at one such jukebox, not sure what to make of it.

 

"Hoy chi wang eechi chow wack looie che pow won," they say in unison. In English, that means "Whoa, dude. That's one rockin' box." For you see, this was no ordinary jukebox. It was what they would call "defective," but a rockin' dude like Metal Ed would call a "Rock Box." Through some freak accident, it came off the assembly line with no volume knob. As a result, it was always set at the maximum volume level...perfect for teeth-shakin', skull-crackin' rock action.

 

The jukebox was then shipped to America, where it wound up in Wausau, Wisconsin's one and only Wal-Mart. It's lack of a volume knob made it undesirable to most consumers and it sat unwanted and unloved until August 13th, 1993. That's the day that Metal Ed--having pocketed some cash being a bystander to an unsuccessful convenience store robbery--came looking for a new box from which to blare his tunes. There it sat...in the electronics department, softly glowing and humming at Ed. He noticed that the defect had put it squarely in his price range and permitted himself to fall in love. Its shape was similar to that of a woman, although Ed didn't notice that until he lost his virginity in this:

car in 1996. He purchased the box, christened it the Rock Box, and the rest was history. With the exception of it eating a Candlebox tape in 1994--which was pretty much deserved, as they rocked nowhere near hard enough to deserve a place in his Rock Box--its service has been loyal.

 

The Rock Box continues to function to this day. The best part: I'm Metal Ed. Metal Ed is me. And that Rock Box? All mine. And it's totally bitchin'.

 

The End

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

(stands and applauds)

 

Come on, everyone! Give 'im a standing O!

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

[Guest goodhelmet]

ok, kinetic? is that you?

 

or incandenza?

 

i know metal ed has to be one of you witty motherfuckers!

[Guest TheHulkster]

lol

 

That story is golden. Two thumbs up!

[Guest Michael Joel Benoit]

Hey, TheHulkster, that is a cool pic. Where did you get it from?

[Guest bob_barron]

MetalEd is so the man!!

[Guest Zero_Cool]

Awesome story. Awesome avatar, as well.

 

Fear The Mullet.

[Guest dreamer420]

Hey, TheHulkster, that is a cool pic. Where did you get it from?

I don't know where the pic is from but I must say that I am dissapointed in both Hogan and Kid Rock for having their picture taken with the Mero's.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

I think I might have to relinquish my position as "Coolest Ed at the Smartmarks"

 

That's a cool story, I was always wondering how the Rock Box came to be.

[Guest J*ingus]

::goes feverishly insane trying to figure out who Ed is, driven mad by constantly changing IP addresses::

[Guest evenflowDDT]

::goes feverishly insane trying to figure out who Ed is, driven mad by constantly changing IP addresses::

Changing IP addresses means he's dial-up... damn, this guy has great musical taste, an honest-to-goodness Rock Box, and the coolest name in the world, AND he's dial-up. If he posts more he just might edge out Patrick as THE MAN... hmmm, maybe there are sub-categories of THE MAN. Kotz, for example, is THE ELECTRONICA MAN, and Metal Ed is THE METAL MAN... at least he's not Tetsuo the Iron Man

 

(did I get that reference right? Does anyone get it?)

[Guest justsoyouknow]

I got the Kotz reference, but as for the rest of it...........no.

[Guest DeputyHawk]

Is Metal Ed doomed never to add to his 27 glorious posts? The rock box legend is pulitzer stuff. I want to hear more...

[Guest J*ingus]

I got the reference, being the sad, sad movie geek that I am. (Ever seen Tokyo Fist, by the same guy?)

[Guest justsoyouknow]

Ed is one of the funnier gimmick posters I've seen......I want more.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

When I heard Tetsuo, I thought Akira.

 

Let's keep Ed as THE GIMMICK METAL MAN.

 

Fo sheez,

Kotzenjunge

[Guest goodhelmet]

ok, i'm thinking it has to be kinetic.

 

despite ed's proclamation that he has a 9th grade education and works in a junkyard, he spells correctly and uses proper grammar. this is a trait in kinetic's writing.

 

also, the witty subtext is another trait of kinetic writing.

 

the true test: does metal ed worship at the temple of def leppard???

[Guest areacode212]

Nice of him to show everyone how a good gimmick poster is made.

 

EDIT: I agree w/ GH...he's a little too articulate in this story.

[Guest Incandenza]

So is it definitely Kinetic? I was thinking it was either him or LooseCannon (LC's LonelyOldMan gimmick over at the Avril board contained a similar prose style).

 

Ah, who gives a fuck? Best. Gimmick. Poster. EVER.

[Guest LooseCannon]

It's not me. I was thinking of trying a gimmick poster, but not anymore. Metal Ed is too hard to top. I'm leaning toward Kinetic as well. Seems like the safe guess at this point. I ruled you out Inc, only because I figured you would've went with the Cereal Man.

[Guest Incandenza]

If I were to ever try Cereal Man, it would have to be elsewhere. Too many people would know it was me right off the bat.

[Guest LooseCannon]

Good point.

 

Just noticed the new custom title. Genius.