Wrath Comments

[Guest hhh6294]

First of all, I did show, but it wasn't much... I got severely rushed at the end and had to cut it like 2000 words short...

 

But I'm not taking anything away from Mike... awesome match d00d... good luck in the contendership match, which is now on Metal I presume...

 

I haven't read much else of the show, but from the summary, it was a good showing for the SJL!

 

...and yes, Deepthroat is a retarded no-showing bitch.

 

...these new smileys kick ass!

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

Heh... you were rushed? I wrote that whole match in two hours... proud of it, too, but I didn't expect it to win... LDP, did Tom forward you the match? I wasn't sure if he did or not, which is why you had me send it to you anyway...

 

So, yeah. I'll go and be reading the rest of the show now.

 

- Mike Van Siclen.

[Guest dr-smogz]

I don't blame him for no showing, you all treat him like shit!

[Guest kelloggs]

The long winded Franchisable comments of DOOM

 

Singles Match

Judge Mental vs. Cutthroat

 

First things first. Thank you Judge for representing Philly and now on to the real match critque. Your match has a solid opening with the banter back and forth but you could have worked on his character more. His words came off a little too cocky. But a nice start non the less. The opening action is good but just a little one sided as you no sold a sig move, I think. Even though I dislike no selling sig moves or finishers you did a nice job of not making the move look to weak. The actually wrestling has an okay flow but some spots lacked believability. Specifically the backflip spot. But on a side note, I must say that I liked the spot where you couldn't Irish whip him because he stumbled. A good way to put over your injurying him. Most of your moves did focus on the upper back or shoulder area, which lead into your pumphandle armbar sub finish very well. (Y) at good psych~! But this really came off a squash, I guess dislocating his arm can do that, and even though it probably should have been one given your character I just don't personally like them.

 

Overall add more description and work on psych, flow and believability but those are the things everyone has to work on. You seemed like a spotty writer from the first writing I saw you do, but your match had solid psych and okay build. But it was just a little inconsistent. The build/match flow was off as he kicked out of a Orange Crush but stayed down after a corkscrew suplex, which is a great move by the way. I think it would have been more realistic to have him kick out of the suplex and have you break the count on the Orange Crush suplex. Commentary was solidly done and you got a good feel for the booth guys. That's one of the hardest things to get right when you're first starting out. I'd say your match was very well done for the word limit you had and the after stuff.

 

And the actual point of this match comes out as you and Kaze wanted to start a feud. And it looks like you'll get one started in the ECDub Arena. (Y) at staying in Philly. It's very smart to start up a feud with somebody on your writing level because it helps you improve quicker and move up the card.

 

Battle Royal for the #1 Contendership to the European Title

Leon Sharpe vs. Blank vs. Tim Dillon vs. Jack The Ripper

 

The one thing that I have to say is writing in the past tense makes it had for me to read but that shouldn't take away from the quality pf this match. 4 ways battle royal or not are VERY hard to write. It was a spot fest like most good four ways are but you didn't use the commentary very effectively. I had trouble with it too in the beginning but I got better. King should come off more as an ass and Edwin seemed more heelish than King some times during this match. You sort of switched between heel and face for both guys.

 

So many spot and so much action. I didn't see too much psych and in singles or tag matches that you'll have as you continue to move up the card, it's very necessary. All the offense is really confusing, so much in fact that I can't pick out specific things, but most four ways are like that. It's not so detailed description wise of the actual moves and that is something you will really need to work on. The actually booking of the match was a little different than I thought it would be with that promo... Dillon getting pinned second, but I guess it made sense as Blank did beat you once. Good job of using past history.

 

Overall work on the description and the same stuff I said to Judge. To get better you have to put your opponents strengths over. Since you're a 6'10" HOSS~ that means making the guys out quick you in the ring until you overpower them. And also I'd suggest that you change over from past to present tense. A good example of someone that has done it very good is Fugue. You should ask him for a little advice on what he did to change over because past tense messes with you flow. It shouldn't take away from your match but it does because everyone is used to reading present tense. Nice match.

 

CIA/Thor promo

 

The lone promo on the show and CIA and Thor do a nice little jointer. They get their points across... Thor wants CIA and the belt in a completely heterosexual way... And CIA wants no parts of me... damn you. The writing was well done and serves to build a few angles. By the way this paragraph sums up everything perfectly

 

"Mak Francis. The leader of the sWo. The Franchise. He seems to think this is about the world title. Hey, he had a good run, and to say he was an unworthy champion would be petty. And not very true either, eh? So here it is. Mak, I don't care to give you another shot at my title. You can win yourself a shot, and it still won't matter. This title doesn't mean anything between us. Today, I'm the best, eh? Maybe you'll get it again. But between me and you, it's about pride. I've never got that pinfall, never made you tap, but if you think I can't, you're sorely mistaken, eh. You want me, Mak? Come and get me. But you won't get a shot at this Canadian wonder until it's the way *I* want it. Next question, Hardy?"

 

Thor gets in his words and maybe we'll see Thor/CIA for the world title strap after this new #1 contender gets their shot.

 

I'll post about the last half of the show later.

[Guest Ace309]

Quoth Jack the Ripper

I don't blame him for no showing, you all treat him like shit!

 

A little too much empathy there, eh Jack?

[Secret Agent 0]

Well from what i've read it seems to be a really awesome show. I won't comment on matches though. Afterall who am i to judge, I've yet to have a single match.

 

Also i must apologize. I asked LDP if i could due a promo, but i held it out. Mainly because i felt the kind of charater Johnny is, didn't mix well with the day of rememberance.

 

Well that's all from me, I'll see you at Crimson.

[Guest Insane Clown Dan]

Well Jack, you haven't seen enough (if any) of Cutthroat's posts, you would quickly realize why we treat him like shit.

 

He acts like a 10-year old, having no respect for the board at all. He seems fairly harmless as far as flaming is concerned, but he has used picture flames to make other smarks totally irate at him, and he acts extremely immature.

 

He is also clueless, has very poor grammar skills, a total mark, and he is overall very annoying and has a childlike mind. He has contributed nothing but a negative effect on the SJL and the Smarkboards' trolling and spam issues.

 

Like I said, you probly haven't seen anything. Just find some of his posts and you'll understand why we hate him so much.

 

WRATH comments :

 

Er... me, read everything? If we measured one's attention span in "Cutthroats", I would be 5 of those. All I can say is, real nice effort from MVS in that little time, your match looked good, and so did Spike and Matt's efforts. Overall, real cool show with great booking and kickin' matches.

 

Oh, one more thing.

 

People rarely EVER critique my matches, even from long ago on IGN, so does anyone mind telling me what i should improve on or what i did right?

[Rob E Dangerously 0]

Let me answer Mak..

 

"The one thing that I have to say is writing in the past tense makes it had for me to read"

 

I still have to shake off that tendancy.

 

"but that shouldn't take away from the quality pf this match. 4 ways battle royal or not are VERY hard to write."

 

Tell me about it man.. I wrote it.

 

"you didn't use the commentary very effectively"

 

I don't think I used commentary too much at all.

 

"King should come off more as an ass and Edwin seemed more heelish than King some times during this match."

 

Another odd quirk of mine.

 

"You sort of switched between heel and face for both guys."

 

Well, Sharpe was working as a heel against Dillon and a face against Blank. So that is one reason for some confusion.

 

"So many spot and so much action."

 

Four and three ways are hard to put too much psych in, with the action and such.

 

"I didn't see too much psych and in singles or tag matches that you'll have as you continue to move up the card"

 

The only psych I remember was Sharpe working on the throat and that was for the post-match revenge beating.

 

"it's very necessary. All the offense is really confusing, so much in fact that I can't pick out specific things, but most four ways are like that."

 

Si..

 

"It's not so detailed description wise of the actual moves"

 

Then again.. is it good in comparison?

 

"The actually booking of the match was a little different than I thought it would be with that promo... Dillon getting pinned second, but I guess it made sense as Blank did beat you once. Good job of using past history."

 

As you noticed, Sharpe has his own little motives for trying to rub out Dillon. He wanted to get revenge on Blank and finish him last since he knew more about facing Blank than Dillon. Although Sharpe the babyface eliminating another face is swarmy of him.

 

"To get better you have to put your opponents strengths over. Since you're a 6'10" HOSS~ that means making the guys out quick you in the ring until you overpower them."

 

Yeah.. I'll probably work with that idea for Matt. I do let my opponents get the majority of the offense, don't I?

 

"And also I'd suggest that you change over from past to present tense."

 

Yeah.. I could say that also..

 

Anyways..

 

CT is gone!

[Guest Powerplay]

Singles Match

Judge Mental vs. Cutthroat

 

First things first. Thank you Judge for representing Philly and now on to the real match critque. Your match has a solid opening with the banter back and forth but you could have worked on his character more. His words came off a little too cocky. But a nice start non the less. The opening action is good but just a little one sided as you no sold a sig move, I think. Even though I dislike no selling sig moves or finishers you did a nice job of not making the move look to weak. The actually wrestling has an okay flow but some spots lacked believability. Specifically the backflip spot. But on a side note, I must say that I liked the spot where you couldn't Irish whip him because he stumbled. A good way to put over your injurying him. Most of your moves did focus on the upper back or shoulder area, which lead into your pumphandle armbar sub finish very well. (Y) at good psych~! But this really came off a squash, I guess dislocating his arm can do that, and even though it probably should have been one given your character I just don't personally like them.    

 

Overall add more description and work on psych, flow and believability but those are the things everyone has to work on. You seemed like a spotty writer from the first writing I saw you do, but your match had solid psych and okay build. But it was just a little inconsistent. The build/match flow was off as he kicked out of a Orange Crush but stayed down after a corkscrew suplex, which is a great move by the way. I think it would have been more realistic to have him kick out of the suplex and have you break the count on the Orange Crush suplex. Commentary was solidly done and you got a good feel for the booth guys. That's one of the hardest things to get right when you're first starting out. I'd say your match was very well done for the word limit you had and the after stuff.

 

And the actual point of this match comes out as you and Kaze wanted to start a feud. And it looks like you'll get one started in the ECDub Arena. (Y) at staying in Philly. It's very smart to start up a feud with somebody on your writing level because it helps you improve quicker and move up the card.

Wohoo! I got critiqued! I've wanted to figure out what I do wrong.

 

In reality, I probably, if anything, should have switched the corkscrew suplex and orange crush. I sorta felt bad for the squash, so I guess should I let him no-sell something.

 

Yeah, the backflip was sort of a joke; it said backflip in his stats, and I thought "Well, it might not necessarily be a moonsault..." so I did it as a joke really.

 

I actually PMed him to look over the stuff in the little verbal part at the beginning. I had him, at first, speaking very well. I kinda thought he was just a decent guy who never caught a break. He told me that he talked too much in the beginning, and he was more of like a high-school goof ball-type guy, so I changed the dialogue accordingly.

 

Yes, it was a squash. My only squash, infact. I don't intend to do anymore because they are as irritating as hell to write; Dominating a whole match sorta doesn't do it for me.

 

And hopefully you and Fugue's fight is up... I haven't checked yet.

[Guest kelloggs]

The second half of my Franchisable long winded comments of DOOM

 

-Tag Team Match

C.I.A./Thor vs. sWo (“Hollywood” Spike Jenkins/Matt Myers)

 

Well to start this off Holly-WOOD and Matt are sWo so they must be great. I really like Spike's new heel character and Matt's was always a good one. Now with that out of the way onto the actual match critque. Wait... I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD... okay now that I got that out of my system I'll really start.

 

Pretty formulaic opening with the faces clearing house and infact this was a by the book tag match except Thor played the face in peril. I was kind of expecting CIA to do that but as World Champ he's not really supposed to be a bump machine. That makes the big man the only choice. Okay, after a nice little spot where Matt hangs Spike out to dry, there's some slow build into the old isolate and attack formula. The rana reversal spot doesn't work for me. It's just hard to see a rana out of a regular chokeslam. I'd suggest him going for the Divine Hammer, a chokebomb, then I can actually picture that reversal and it's good psych~ as he hits it later in the match just before the HOT TAG. Okay flow so far with the quick heel tags, YAH then they explain why they did it with the commentary.

 

This spot would have had a much more important feel if you guys did a rana counter of the chokebomb.

 

Spike Jenkins gets up, looking at the referee, shocked. The ref just holds up 2 fingers, as Spike throws a fit of hoping up and down, screaming “BUT I HAAAAAAAAD HIM!” Spike turns around to see Thor risen up, as he grabs the neck of Spike with both hands, as he throws him into the air and slams him down in a Divine Hammer, which shakes the ring! The crowd explodes in anticipation, as Thor rolls over to his belly…

 

But I like the paragraph in general so I guess it's okay. But one thing you needed to do is tease the hot tag. I know that you were at about half way with the words you had Matt but one tease would before the Divine Hammer spot would have made this better. Uh... folks, same writing style please. I can see why you said that it was choppy Spike but I didn't notice until just now.

 

CIA's a house A fire~ until some cheating which is mandatory for us sWo heels. More cheating. But like the commentary says "their style is cheating". Some nice high spots and counters in between but where's the psych Spike. And here it is in the finish as he hits a move that Thor no-sold in his previous match, onto a steel chair. I guess that'll get the move over again. All you needed to do is yell "NO-SELL THAT" at the end and Flesher would have marked out for you. And I'll be damned if you didn't win with the Cocky Pin~! Hehe... that was damn funny and it helps get your heat back so I guess it should slide. But I REALLY don't want to see any flame wars over this.

 

Overall it's a solid tag match, but definitely not without its flaws. It built up slowly into fast paced action, which is good but the action got a little too fast at the end. It also had nice commentary but the editing errors for not writing the same style and no build to the hot tag took away from it. The match was spotastic and didn't use much psych, in both Matt and Spike's sections but the things that did get used were either explained well or comedic gold. A good job of bringing up past history throughout. And the after stuff makes up for the beginning when Matt sacrificed Spike.

 

World Title Contender’s Match #1

Steel Pipe Ladder Match

Jacob Helmsley vs. Mike Van Silcen

 

This match, which should have happened already has a lot of backstory. Mike shows that all in the beginning of this match, reminding us. That's always good. Onto the match... which Mike wrote in two hours...

 

Uh... you didn't explain it yet I guess by why did Edwin leave the booth. Well somebody broke into his office but I must say that I really want to know what went down. Nice openinig sequence but I personally am not feeling all the interference. I guess that the managers have to do something. Heh your girl has a finisher... cool. Anyways back to the actual wrestling. I like most of the actual wrestling so far but nothing stands out yet until the ladder comes out. The Evenflow on the outside should be a big time spot but that's cool cause Jake has a lot of high impact moves.

 

Now it's time for the face come back and thats some nice offense to the head. If this match doesn't end with a VanSlaminator onto the pipe off the ladder I'm killing you Mike. J/k but that head work better come back into the finish. Good filler commenting about the OaOaOawhO... whatever the hell it is . That was gold Fugue by the way. Now the match needs to start getting faster paced after this little rest spot. And the ladder comes into play, mandatory Jeff Hardy spot, then just when I thought you'd do a Spear or something predictable like that you bust out a missed spot... its damn funny but the Thiller is before my time so sorry. No markout from me. Nice high spots with the guardrail but your character should be dead after that table spot. Cool as a hell but the believability suffered. This is why all the interference early shouldn't have happened it takes away from Katelyn's interference right now. If she hadn't been involved in the match until right now it would have had a bigger impact. New ladders always lead to...

 

HIGH SPOTS~! And Code Red off the ladder is a high spot... I still say a VanSlaminator who have been better because I mark for that damn move so much. Code Red works the head bringing back that offense from earlier and a Pipe shot to the head adds more to it. Now that's an academic pin if I ever saw one.

 

Overall, it was rushed and not one of the best matches I've seen from you Mike but it gets the job done. You had some psych mixed in there but Jake's offense seemed like it was hard for you to write. Much to much interference early. The commentary was funny where you needed filler and effective when you needed to explain stuff. It had good flow. But you have a big match coming up soon against Fugue and you'll have to step up if you want that shot.

 

No-DQ Singles Match

Flexxx vs. Manson

 

to be edited in soon Flexxx. It'll be mad detailed.

 

MAIN EVENT

World Title #1 Contender’s Match

Fugue vs. Mak Francis

 

edited in later...

[Guest Goodear]

I'm a newbie, but I's knows what I likes...

 

Judge vs. Cutty

 

Judge no selling the Razor Punch at the start sort of makes sense since Cutthroat led with it, but its still a little odd, since striking was supposed to be one of Cutthroat's strengths and J.M. isn't a super huge guy. The transitions seem a little weak, with basically one guy punching the other to take control of offense. The squashy nature would also be a problem if you were taking on someone serious, but you know that... so I don't know why I said it again.

 

Leon vs. Tim vs. Blank vs. Jack The Rippaaaa

 

You're aware of the tense thing so I don't need to go there. Crabwalking Blank attacking Sharpe just seems sort of silly to me. Jack seemed to get the short end of the match where he just bumped around a bit before he got eliminated. Yeah, someone had to go first, but without getting a whole lot of offense? The order of elimination made sense though, as Blank and Sharpe were the ones with the issue out of the four and Leon built to that all match long. Sharpe does act a bit too heely for me... but that's not my decision to make.

 

Spike & Jenkins vs. Thor and C.I.A.

 

I agree with Kellogs, the chokeslam to Rana transition seems off to me. The actual Divine Hammer seemed to pop out a bit to easy for such a big move. Seems like you would have to have someone set up before you'd be able to slap it on too. Is there a magnet in Thor's head that attracts chairs? He seems to take a whole lot of dingers to the noggin. Spike & Matt play a very cool sneeky, rotten, stinky heels trying to make each other take the punishment while they each try to snag onto the glory.

 

MVS vs. Jacob Helmsley

 

I don't really like the opening salvo when Hallbrook locks on a sleeper from the outside. I don't really by that the manager guy can do so much damage so quicky. There is a whole lot of manager-fearence in this puppy, and it comes a little too early for my liking...

 

More later...

[Guest Listen2Reason]

Wait a minute...did anyone else notice that this show was posted as "SWF Wrath?"

 

...WE'VE ALL BEEN BUMPED!!!

[Guest Powerplay]

Dude, he's right.... COOL! *Begins jobbing to the big guys.*

[Guest kelloggs]

Heh... I'm finally finishing this thing... cause I'm putting of writing in a tag match of all things, meh.

 

Flexxx v Manson

 

The Flunkmasta Flexxx praises me as a Golden God so i know he's been watching almost famous. Anyways on to the match.

 

Meh, I like the staredown as this match has history but I'm not feeling the pre match nut shot. Basic brawling back and forth would have given this a hotter beginning. Staredowns into nut shot are anti climatic. Uh seriously Flexxx as I'm reading there ain't much to comment on wrestling wise. The writing is good, flow/build solid but i guess the one thing so far is there hasn't been any noticable psych. Except the low blow early by Manson and then you thinking about going for one and missing. I'm guessing you'll hit one before the finish, since you won.

 

Good near falls and you should've pointed out in commentary that Manson used the Ab stretch to wind Flexxx and I think set up the stretch plum which is an ab stretch variation. Wait a second Manson hit a Rib breaker real early in the match... that's psych~!I completely missed it... If you really need to work on anything it's using the commentary to help tell your story in the ring. I missed it because you didn't remind the reader, me in this case, about Manson's finisher being the Stretch Plum. Like saying "Manson working over the ribs in order to set up for his devastating variation on the Ab Stretch". God I don't feel like explaining all the psych in this match but I doubt people even realized. YOU MUST remind the reader because unless they are really looking at the match they'll just overlook it. Basically you work the back/neck and he works the ribs... but he worked the arm some too... so I hope that comes back in a counter or something. I saw one time so far that you've pointed out the ribs and it's a little late but the JR over selling made sure that I didn't miss it. After some good back and forth stuff, which I won't comment on cause it's well done you get to the finish and finally start putting over the rib work. Thank you man, thank you... really good match so far. Yo I am the man. Nut shot... finisher working neck/back and it's academic. As you said "I AM A GOLDEN GOD" for seeing that finish.

 

Seriously solid match right here Flexxx and you know it. I got real problems with the early commentary but it kinda picks up late. You could use work in the middle reminding the reader but that's easy stuff. Liked the roll ups and cheating because well... read my sig.

 

Here are the problems:

- the arm work didn't come back in the long run... unless it was used to put over Flexxx as a true badass that got to the ropes and held on even though his arm was hurt but you shouldn't have been hitting suplexes RIGHT after his brief arm work. I'm really stretching for a reason because all the other psych was good and it seemed to be just thrown in there. Except you hit a finisher that primarly uses the arm... bah if Rocky can do it to the Crippler why can't you.

- Commentary: Edwin just hate you too much. Not enough banter with King and Edwin. Maybe an Axis joke or too for Kingfish... I don't know. Just work on telling the story better.

- And the starting segment into the finish with Manson nailing the ref was... well it didn't work cause it would have more than likely been a DQ. The actual finish is GOLD though so it more than makes up for that.

 

Fugue v Mak

 

Not TOO many comments about this match except to say that Fugue wrote a hell of a good one. MOTN for shezzy just over Flexxx because he explained everything better. The build from the promo over to the match was great. It should be noted that that promo was based off one he and I did once before. He even put over a bunch of exaggerated wrist locks... great! Talks about the arm which of course leads into his finishing segment. And he uses a cross arm breaker because Flesher marks for that move... as well as most the people in this E-fed, including me.

 

This little banter below is money

 

"What a neckbreaker by Francis!" Axis says. "The Franchise is so good at attacking his opponents' necks!"

 

"And just a couple of weeks ago, Fugue took BOTH Death Myers Drivers from Brother Red himself!" the King adds. "And just LAST week he was hit with the TKO by that same sWo member!"

 

"Good point, King!" Axis replies. "You gotta wonder what shape Fugue's neck is in! It CAN'T be 100 percent!"

 

"And yes, I DID make those matches," Edwin adds. "No applause, please. Well, maybe a little if you must." Unbeknownst to him, a fan stands up behind Edwin in the camera view holding a "WILSON FOR PRESIDENT" sign.

 

"Speaking of Myers," the King says, "I stopped by the sWo locker room today and things were VERY tense in there! After everything these guys have done to each other, I felt like it was going to explode at any moment!"

 

"Oh, stop, I'm blushing!" Edwin replies, preening.

 

This is the only thing that Flexxx needed in his match. Detailed telling of the in ring story mixed in with a little hinting at the overall storyline. He puts in a innovative spot woth the turnbuckle and the viscios nature of this match is picking up. Just like in the damn promo. Matt runs in and no mistaking he meant to hit me this time. Harmony and it's over but not after reminding the reader that my character has yet to tap out in his career.

 

I'm sure there was plenty of bad in this match but I didn't see it. I must have hit a suplex that I shouldn't have with all the arm work, sometime but I don't remember. Great internal storyline with Mak and Fugue respecting eachother and feeling eachother out because of the confusing talk Fugue and Francis had in the promo but it gets more and more heated until the run-in but the win isn't cheap as Fugue gets it with a sub. Anyways this and Flexxx's, which also has a nice internal storyline, are matches to read if you want to get better. And I'm sure we'll all get a chance to be WF jobbers if they do this Countdown show... and I'm spent.

 

M. "You all better appericate all these damn comments cause they'll never be this long again" Francis