WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 9/19/2002!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

My Litany Of Excuses: People kept calling me while Smackdown was getting all cranked up so I just started taping it- so as to be a cordial... uh what... phone-talker- guy. Then my lovely and long-suffering wife decided to get on the internet instead of watching the Smackdowns with me so I was computerless for a while. THUS, the Six Minute Turnaround is VIOLATED AGAIN! I was thinking that these Workrate Reports have been on the internet computer machines for five years now and I thought it would be fun to finally allow the kids to read the workrate reports without asking embarrassing questions to their parents who would e-mail me and fill me the shame I so deeply lack. With that in mind, tonight is DUAL REPORT ACTION WITH ONE SIDE BEING PROFANITY-FREE and the OTHER SIDE BEING PROFANITY-DRENCHED! Cut and Paiste it and give it to your 5 year old to use as a reading aid and give the rest to your degenerate uncle who whacks off to people talking about guys` asses too much. This will be fun! Or really really tedious! Or both!

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- (a) I was talking to Phil Schneider when Torrie Wilson got into the ring and he was mumbling something about Torrie not being converted into something completely hideous yet by WWE Titty Machine and that he would try to get up with her if he saw her in a bar or some other sort of thing that he will talk a bit about. Nidia enters the ring and I say, ``Come, Mr Schneider, what about Nidia?`` He says, ``I`ve slept with a lot uglier.`` Doesn`t this say something about life? Doesn`t this put in one sentence the heartbreaks and dream-crushing that we all have to travaille through before we reach our empty reward of being old and playing out the string until our pathetic dirtnap finally arrives- where our indifferent relatives will put flowers on our prefab tombstone every other year. Yes, we`ve all had to metaphorically sleep wioth a lot uglier..... The match itself was pretty fucking fabulous- as Rey Rey is fucking beautiful setting up the whole dealie and Noble- being a far too quiet lately Peckerwood Messiah- rudoing the match like a complete motherfucker. Torie and Nidia looked really good too, as Nidia leaned into some clotheslines and Torie threw better punches than somebody on the show. (AH John Cena!) Torrie working her cootchie against Nidia`s face had the teen`s and overweight thirty-something virgins of the US of A blowing spindly loads from the Spokane to Tallahassee. Rey Rey working his junk upside the head of Jamie Noble had the gay teens and overweight 30- something latent homosexuals creaming sinewy streams into the ether of the night. I think all of America can thank the WWE for cleaning out the pipes of our youngest and most hideous wrestling fans. It was a psychosexual smorgasborg of choker fuel! And we toast a load to you, our Professional Wrestling Sexual Undertone!

(b) Noble was quite the game bumper as Rey Rey brings the basic psychology of the match and executes with rare verve. The distaff contingent took their lessons from Fit Finlay to heart and looked really sharp in the match- hitting and leaning into clotheslines like true budding QUEENS of the ring. There was a jolly moment where Torie gave Nidia the broncobuster- smooshing her hootenanny on Nidia`s face- and Noble- being quite the rakish lout- tried to get Torrie to do the same to him. Rey Misterio Jr leapfrogs over Torrie and madcap fun ensues! A fine opener to lead to a mighty fine PPV match up.

 

- (a)They yammer on about the Jamal and Rosie vs Chuck and Billy and Billy and Chuck make bad ennuendos that ENRAGE KURT ANGLE! Kurt Angle comes out and the idiots in ``COLON``RADO start yelling like a bunch fucking dog-mounting rubes by yelling YOU SUCK to their fucking MESSIAH- Goddamn Motherfucking KURT motherfucking ANGLE! Chuck plays up to the oxygen-deprived snow-munchers but KURT is fucking TORQUED about fucking Billy and Chuck right in their ASSES! He is gonna fuck both of them at once after they SUCK HIS DICK! AWESOME! FUCK YEAH! Kurt is ready for their Tag TEAM action and- NOT ONLY THAT- he will fuck anybody in the back too! He`s NOT gonna swallow for Benoit! He IS gonna fuck the living fuck out of Billy and Chuck! I`m torqued! YOU`RE TORQUED! I`m TORQUED~! TORQUED!

(b) Chuck and Billy make a few bad jokes that don`t work anymore because the WWE backed out with uncommon unmanliness when they backed out of the gay wedding. Kurt Angle comes out and confronts them and when he walked out from the back you KNEW he would end up tagging with Benoit to take them on. PARAJAS TERRIBLE! And THAT concept with these two rules so this works like motherfatha!

 

- (a) Brock Lesnar takes Cena to the mat and fucking STAYS there and I party and freak out! The bearhug on the Mat as the body of the match is about as old school as you can get- and I loved how Lesnar draws the crowd back in by punch Cena on the nape of the neck- as if Lesnar had been studying a fuckin` Johnny Valentine super-hardstyle 70s match all week. That was beautiful. I don`t think they ran the ropes at all until the finish. It was sheer Johnny Valentine scrunched into a four minute match. Lesnar fucking RULES.

(b) Brock Lesnar is in what they call a squash match, but Lesnar makes the match so much more as he uses odd techniques and styles that hearken back to early 70s Mid-Atlantic Pro Style perfected by Wahoo McDaniel and Johnny valentine. Cena didn`t throw many punches and sold really well so he held up his end.

- (a) Eddy and Chavo are fun in the back, being all intense and what not. Edge bumps his way into your hearts and takes a chairshot like a motherfucking PSYCHO- and then he bleeds for your pleasure. And, yes, you find it pleasing. Rikishi is good on the apron, making two feigned saves to cut off Edge and then was all fired up to take the ass-beat to the Guerrerros who were far more than happy to make his powermoves look fucking TITANIC- the double Suplex especially. Edge is fabulous as Ricky Morton yet still again- though he does throw the weakest lariat I believe I have ever seen and also almost fucks up a powerslam- again! He does save his own bacon by just bumping like a Saved Canadian Jeff Hardy and sells the thorough Guerrerro ass-beat like a champ- with the Brainbuster by Chavo to set up the Hotshot Senton by Eddy making me go wild in the streets with wrestling love for Eddy and Chavo. Chavo takes a special trip, a strange and wonderful trip, a trip deep into the gigantic festering socially conscious yet pungent log bass locker of Rikishi. The ending involves Chavo cheating and Eddy messing up Edge`s pretty face to add heat to the PPV match, so I am suitably stoked. And that blade job was fucking AWESOME- the way you got the ribbon of blood to cross his forehead like he was posing for the cover of Savage Sword Of Conan or something. Hell yeah.

(b) Rikishi put his buttocks in a bad place on Chavo and Chavo didn`t like it very much. Unkind and pungent things emerge from Rikishi`s buttocks everyday so you don`t want him to put it on your face.

 

- (a and b) Matt Hardy and Hurricane have a good little match with lots of nearfalls and some comical selling of finishers by both at one point or another. Matt is such a good worker and this was a shorter version of the hell-raising matches I remember them having in OMEGA- except this would have to go 45 minutes and Matt would have to be Ricky Steamboat v 2.0 again. They countered out of their finishers and then kicked out of some finishers while racing to the finisher so this wasn`t a masterpiece of psychology- though there were sections where they would sell the damage perfectly. It`s a conundrum. Either way, Matt throws great punches. I hope Matt low-blowing Helms doesn`t hurt their friendship- as I`m sure it won`t because I`m assuming that there will be a fine vignette of this next week.

 

- (a)The Lesnar Chasing by Undertaker was successful because it made me give a shit about a match I wouldn`t have given a shit about. Lesnar makes a good bastard. Heyman could kicked it down a notch.

(b) Lesnar being afraid UT because of Heyman brought UT`s wife into the angle was succesful because it adds pathos to the Ut character- a character that usually leaves me completely comatose and drooling.

 

- (a) Benoit and Angle trying to outdo each other in beating the living piss out of Chuck and Billy is like Colt 45- works every time. Chuck brings a nice amount of offense to the table- especially his fun suplexes- but Billy bringing out the lame Fame-Asser again does not bode well for this tag team face run. The body of the match is the vast offense of Angle and Benoit and their ability to slaughter motherfuckers in the ring and then bump enough to make said motherfuckers look godlike before it is all over. Benoit leaning into the Suoperkick was waaaaay more of an indication of the greatness of Benoit than the duelling Germans section. I was hoping for full Akira Hokuta/Shinobu Kandori level smacks to the face for tags, but this was perfectly beautiful professional wrestling. The hate overtaking the need to win was fun and I await the PPV match with baited breath.

(b) I am very excited about Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit hating each other and wanting to beat each other up a whole lot. They are two really great wrestlers who will beat the stuff out of each other for my amusement!

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

-(a) The endless Stephanie and Bischoff bantering about Steph enjoying the sweet and tender love of other women in the ring was amazingly shitty because you kinda see what Bischoff`s twisted and scrunchy mounting face would be like. And I like my Lesbian fantasies to not include overweight giant assed fake tittied brunett... WAIT, maybe they do. Anyway, it doesn`t work in the context of the Professional Wrestling. And either way, if Bischoff is such a fucking pervert wouldn`t he WANT to put his lips on Stephanie`s big fat ass? Bischoff wins either way. Plus, Steph and Benoit stirring the stinky stew is what America REALLY wants.

(b) The tasteless segments where they set up the stipulations of the tag match were not very entertaining and were actually annoying and disturbing. Bischoff is a very creepy, bloated man. Yes, he is.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Dean, the New Order quote absolves you of all lateness sins.

 

Good stuff, and makes me wish I'd watched the show. D'arr!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Dean, the New Order quote absolves you of all lateness sins.

That was quick! You've done a man's job! And the original single smokes every other version like a cheap cigar.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

Damn you Edwin, I was listening to "Temptation" last night and was about to say the same thing!

 

Either way, good shite Dean-o.....

[Guest Incandenza]

I remember with fondness the time Dean was busting out with lines from VU's "Pale Blue Eyes."

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Damn you Edwin, I was listening to "Temptation" last night and was about to say the same thing!

 

Either way, good shite Dean-o.....

Well thank ya.

 

Y'all know last week was from "Blue Monday".

 

DEAN. Oldest man alive...

[Guest goodhelmet]

yeah, your workrate report rules and all dean but what we really want to know your picks for sundays matches!!!!!

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

Yeah, I wouldn't mind hearing DEAN's picks for WWE Unforgiveable....I mean Unforgiven.

 

" No I've never seen anyone quite like you before." ( Keep that New Order love comin' babay)

[Guest Nater]

"Brock Lesnar takes Cena to the mat and fucking STAYS there and I party and freak out!"

 

 

im there, dude!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

yeah, your workrate report rules and all dean but what we really want to know your picks for sundays matches!!!!!

Well, I would say Jericho over Flair, Americans over UnAmericans, HHH over RVD, Edge over Eddy, Angle over Benoit, Chuck and Billy over Jamal and Rosie, Lesnar over Undertaker, Molly over whoever she is wrestling, Rey over Noble (to my despair) and that's it right?

 

DEAN.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Dean...hate to burst your bubble...but there isn't a Rey/Noble match for the card...*cries in a corner* I WANT MY REDNECK MeSSIAH!

[Guest Brian]

I hope the hotshot that match to SmackDown, in San Diego, but it will probably have a cop-out finish leading to a pay per view match.

 

Are you doing a workrate report this weekend Dean?

 

No mention of the tag rope? Shame!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Are you doing a workrate report this weekend Dean?

Oh yeah! Got to decide between a sportsbar or Tim's house- so it will be either drunken and nonsensical or sober and less nonsensical.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Dean...hate to burst your bubble...but there isn't a Rey/Noble match for the card...*cries in a corner* I WANT MY REDNECK MeSSIAH!

What the FUCDGE!?!?! When did they pull Rey vs Noble? That's not so good....

 

DEAN.

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

Dean probably missed the tag ropes cuz he was jumping up and down on his couch. The combined joy of Guerrero violence and Rikishi's socially conscious caverns may have been too much for him.

 

PS - taking off Rey and Knoble is fucktastically lame.

[Guest Brian]

Well, if they build it up and go through things I'll be happy with it.