Promo: I'm not even gonna TRY to top the others.

[Guest chirs3]

Am I dead?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I could of sworn I heard talking a second ago... then everything went all... black, and quiet...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... I think I'm dead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, it sure is comfy to be dead...

 

What are these, cotton sheets?

 

Mmmm...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man...

 

... being dead is boring...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought there'd be a big bright light and pink clouds or something.

 

Or a bunch of demons with pitchforks and fire and caverns of doom and stalactit-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stalactites...

 

Stalagmites?

 

 

 

 

Stalactites...

 

 

 

 

No wait... stalagmites might hang from the ceiling, but they don't.

 

 

 

 

Who the fuck came up with that anyway?

 

"Mr. Raynor?"

 

God?

 

"Mr. Raynor?"

 

That you, God?

 

Chris Raynor lies in his hospital bed, on the verge of falling asleep for the first time in three days.

 

"A-hem."

 

Raynor snaps back to consciousness.

 

God damn it.

 

"Sorry..."

 

"... as I was saying, it looks like the bone wasn't broken clean through - it's cracked."

 

"Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?"

 

"Good thing."

 

"Ah."

 

"Anyway," the doctor pins up some X-Rays to the whiteboard and lights them up, and pulls a pen from his pocket. "Right here," he taps the pen against the sheet, "is where it happened - as you can see, the..."

 

Boy does this suck - I finally find a guy who can put me to sleep, and I have to stay awake to listen to him. I mean, doctors usually end up telling you important stuff - unlike teachers. That's why I always fell asleep in class, because they never teach anything you need to know anyways... they just... rambled on and on, using vocabulary words that I... rambled on and on... and ooooon... and oooo... and yaaaawn.... mm...m-

 

"Mr. Raynor?

 

Raynor again is jerked violently back from the brink of sleep.

 

... I hope you die.

 

"Ugh, I... I'm sorry..."

 

The doctor squints at Chris, trying to make a point, then goes back to th-

 

"Doc..."

 

"Mmmhmm?"

 

"Is there any way you can condense this?"

 

The doctor looks a little hurt - he has fun pointing at X-Rays... nonetheless, he takes down the photos and re-files them, then flips over his clipboard.

 

"Well, you probably figured this out already, but the paralysis you experienced the night of the injury was just temporary..."

 

I wouldn't be flipping you off under the sheets right now if it wasn't.

 

"With a neck brace..." The doctor's eyes narrow again. "...You will be using the neck brace, won't you?"

 

Raynor had, in his short seventy-two hours at the hospital, managed to escape the impossibly uncomfortable device a whole three times. The nurses were baffled.

 

Not unless they make it as comfortable as this bed.

 

"Of course."

 

"Ok - with a neck brace, you'll be outta here in a month. You can walk, maybe drive, jog, skip, whatever. As far as out-of-ring time..." The doctor gnaws on the end of his pen for a moment...

 

"Worst case scenario, it'll take a year to get yourself back into fighting shape - and I stress, that's worst case. Most likely, it'll be about six months until you can go back."

 

Raynor closes his eyes and mumbles.

 

"Excuse me?"

 

Raynor opens his eyes.

 

"I said I'm not going back."

 

A long awkward silence follows, and the doctor takes this as his cue to leave. Once the door shuts, Raynor magically wiggles out of his neckbrace for a record-shattering fourth time, and carefully lies his head back on the pillow.

 

And, of course, he's now wide awake.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sigh...

 

Ok, I'm sitting here, wide awake, and I can't get up.

 

All I can do is think.

 

Whatever you do Chris, don't think of Genesis.

 

Don't think about the Carnival.

 

Don't think about Edwin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God damnit, when you tell yourself not to think of something, of course you're gonna think about!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wait, did I just outsmart myself?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Damn I'm good...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Mr. Raynoooooor!" screeches a woman at the door. A nurse. "You hafta wear your NECK BRACE!

 

Raynor flinches as she grates her voice, and ends up hurting himself some more. The nurse menacingly advances...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five minutes later, Chris Raynor's arms are firmly duct-taped to the bed railings.

 

He's got a neck brace duct taped around... or rather, to his head, made even more uncomfortable by the fact that the nurse somehow managed to put it on sideways.

 

And he's still wide awake.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wanna be dead again... that was cool...

 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

OOC: When you've got absolute retirement-masterpieces from Wilson, Edwin, and Silent right next to your promo, you don't try to out-wow them. So I took the goofy road. Sue me.

 

And now, a few things...

 

0) I know nothing about hospitals or bones or necks. At all. Not even what they are. So if I got anything innacurate, chalk it up to... uh... Edwin. It's Edwin's fault. Aaaaall Edwin's fault.

 

1) King, do not fear, for you are still the one and only person to officially retire Chris Raynor.

 

2) Raynor is gone. Gone gone gone. Gonnety gone gone gone. Don't ask me where, I haven't figured that out yet. I saw gone gone gonnety gone gone because IF I get back to writing, I hope to do it with a new character.

 

3) I am not gone. I may have college and a job... ok, I don't have a job yet, but I'm looking... bah, the point is I'm gonna stick around, and as soon as I get a set schedule, I'll start marking matches for the WF, or the JL, whichever.

 

4) I owe a few think you's, so heeeeeeere we go!

 

-----> The biggest "Thank you!" imaginable goes to two people - Edwin MacPhisto and Silent. About two months ago I came up to Edwin and asked if he'd help me retire, as college was about to start kicking my ass. His fued with Silent was already in place, had been planned out, scheduled, everything, and they still were kind enough to work me in. They could've easily said "Sorry, we've got the next three months planned," but they didn't - in fact, there were frequent AIM plotting sessions and PM conversations between the three of us on how to do this and when to do that, and it made me feel like I was a part of the group, not a little two month thing that they begrudginly agreed to, and for that, I thank them and give them each one mayonaise jar full of tequila, since I got so many from the border run.

 

-----> Second place goes to Stubby and Thugg, for willing to go along with lots of last minute changes and booking requests. To you, I leave you each one of my Mexican midgets. Your choice.

 

-----> In third, we have Chris Wilson, who also was working on something but allowed me to borrow him for the beginning of the storyline. You can have the Frito Bandito's lower half.

 

-----> Fourthly, everyone who knew and didn't spill the beans, thank you. I can't tell you how much fun I had on AIM when Judge was pulling for me to win, then the match went up. And this is for the whole storyline - for protecting the heel turn, the injury, everything.

 

-----> I'd like to thank the little people, for being so much less than I am- Damn it Flesher, keep your index cards away from mine! Sheesh.

 

*shuffles cards*

 

-----> Thank you to anyone I fought in the past two months, from the lowly little Cedz0rZ all the way up to El Luchadoooooooooooooore Magniiiiiiiiiiifiiicoooooooooo!!! for more often than not working something I requested into the match. Something as simple as writing Raynor a different way to actually turning a match into a non-match, pretty much everyone I ended up writing against was more than willing to do me the favor.

 

-----> Thank you to Z and someone who for the life of me I can't remember, for giving me ideas during the writing of LMS - if that person reads this thread, please, speak up so I can thank you properly then hit myself for not remembering (we discussed possible set uses, and not the glass shattering either).

 

-----> Thanks to King and Mark for allowing me to use their finishers, and to Sarah and Roja for at least not saying I couldn't.

 

-----> Thanks to everyone who praised the match on the PPV comments thread - I said it there and I'll say it here. Wow... uh... I'm not sure how to respond to all that... While I suspect some of it might be a teensy bit exagerated, I still appreciate all of it.

 

-----> And lastly, thanks to... well, pretty much everyone else... just because I love you all!

 

Except you, Z, you damn dirty retiring bastard, you... Everyone but you.

 

*laughs maniacally*

 

*hurts neck*

 

*cries like a girl*

 

*leaves to play some Kingdom Hearts*

[Guest Kibagami]

Make us proud, Chris. No-sell that neck brace, no matter what they tell you.

 

Good luck, and peace out.

 

::raises his jar of tequila in tribute::

 

S.

[Guest Powerplay]

I loved this one. It strikes me on such a better note. I like it; the feel good about being dead hit of the year. Two caveman clubs up!

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Kingdom Hearts? You puss!

 

Thanks to you for jumping in and making this month as good a storyline time as all the other epics we pulled together this summer. A goofy Chris Raynor departure feels just right, and I'll be happy when you get back (and you will) so that we can throw down once more, this time with necks off limits.

[Guest crusen86]

Man...

 

... being dead is boring...

Best promo ever.

[Guest chirs3]

Kingdom Hearts? You puss!

 

Screw retirement. I want a rematch. Right now.

 

[Guest Grand Slam]

Great promo Raynor. I wouldn't have wanted anything different from you, the goofy route worked best.

 

Oh, and Kingdon Hearts rules. Absolutely rules. Anyone who says otherwise is...

 

well...

 

wrong.

[Guest El Luchadore Magnifico]

Heh, that was great. Nice to see a light-hearted kinda promo after a bunch of depressing ones.

 

And you're welcome.

[Guest realitycheck]

Because Raynor childishly insulted me, I've chosen not to reply with kind and loving messages about how much I liked and will miss him, despite the fact we didn't talk too often on AIM, the fact that he had a stellar career, and was the backbone of the Carnival, the fact he was one of the most underrrated match writers and that his promos ALWAYS ruled the earth, that he leaves with another good one, and lest I let him forget, a Y2Chris joke, but will instead excersise my right as an equally imature and childish individual, and REFUSE.

 

Instead, Raynor, you're a poopy-head.

::pulls down eyelid::

 

*tBbbBBbttTtTt!!*

 

-Z

[Guest kelloggs]

In honor of your SWF service I give of my own free will

 

...

 

SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH

 

...

 

SMAAAAAAASH~!

 

A 21 SMASH salute.

[Guest AnnieEclectic]

(Y)

 

a non-serious retirement promo done well is just as great as any other.

 

Damn, we're going to miss the prescence of 4 great writers.

 

*clinks glass of alcohol-free grape spirit*

 

Yo.

 

-Annie

[Guest DiabloIIFreak1010]

Chris, your legend and SMASH!ing will live on in our hearts forever. I for one, applaude your efforts. Rock on, Chris. And a keep on smashin'. Keep on smashin'.

[Guest redbaron51]

Chris Smash Pantera!

[Guest Suicide King]

Raynor. Again, I salute you.

[Guest HVilleThugg]

Now Chris...you know neck injuries don't stick around here. Just no sell it and get back....shit, I did it so I could come back and give JD a rub...you can do it too. Now, I demand you no sell and get back...meh...no I don't. Cool goofy promo...i loved it and laughed outloud in the computer lab I'm in. Everyone looked at me weird. Anyway...good luck with college and shit...and when we all (the old folks) make a mass return next year sometime...you'll be coming with ius...why? Because I fucking said so you puss...anyway...I say good riddance to bad rubbish.

 

Da "salutes the best promoer of all time --- yes, better than Edwin" H