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Ask Metal Ed

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Guest TSMAdmin

Ask Metal Ed

by Edward Bonham III




For those of you lookin for a Metal Ed schedule or something, just so you know when to look for me, I'll probly be answering questions every Friday and Saturday. That's when I'm off from the junkyard. So y'all are on your own during the week. Don't go getting pregnant or committing suicide or nothing, unless you're one of them new security guards they got in front of the skating rink. Then you got a hard rockin' Metal Ed ass-whoopin'coming your way anyway, so it don't even matter. You might think you're safe up there with your little pistol and flashlight, dude, but you ain't. One day you'll be tossin' out totally bitchin' dudes that ain't done nothin 'cept for smoke a joint in the bathroom, which ain't no big deal. Your back'll be turned, unassuming. You'll hear "Master of Puppets" in the distance but think nothin of it. Then you'll feel a sharp pain in your head, man. You'll reach up and yell, "My skull! It's been cracked!" Then you'll know you shouldn't have never fucked with Metal Ed. You can believe that.


DEAR METAL ED: I'm 15 and my boyfriend is 24. We love each other, but I'm scared to tell my mom. How can I convince her that he's a good person who loves me?--ANXIOUS IN ALBANY


You just gotta give it to her straight. Tell her, "Ma, I got this 24 year old dude I been screwin'. I'm keepin the baby." You probly wanna get pregnant before you say that last part. Ain't nothing she can do about it anyway. She might could push you down the stairs, I guess. I don't know what your family situation's like. You just gotta do like what Metal Ed did when I decided to get that Maiden tattoo on my arm. Show it to her, let her yell at you, and then don't go gettin in no trouble after that. Play your Rock Box real low at night, don't drink too much in the house, and try to not be all moaning and stuff when you're screwing that 24 year old dude in your room. That oughta do it. If she's still pissed, kill her. Nah, I'm just kidding. All you gotta do is rough her up a little.


DEAR METAL ED: I was looking for some pictures on the computer and opened a file of my dad's. A glance told me it was pornography and I quickly closed it. I felt dirty. I'm pretty sure my mom has no idea. I don't know if I should confront Dad. What do I do?--DISTURBED IN DENVER


Just don't go lookin in Metal Ed's underwear drawer, that's for sure. Or under my mattress, neither. Probly wanna avoid the cupboards and that one Crisper drawer in my fridge, too. I don't even see what your problem is. If I had a daughter--and I'm still tellin you that Wanda's baby ain't mine, since it don't even have a mullet or nothin--I wouldn't put up with her tryin to expose my stash. Daughter or not, Metal Ed don't tolerate no bullshit. My advice is to mind your own damn business and don't go snooping around in your dad's computer. And if it's some of that barely legal stuff, my e-mail address is [email protected] I already got a collection and stuff, but it don't hurt to add none.


DEAR METAL ED: My gym teacher flirts with the girls in my class. He looks down our shirts and touches us. I've told many people, and the say I'm exaggerating or that I should ignore him. I need some real advice!--VIOLATED IN VALLEY FORGE


We had a dude like that up to the junkyard for a while. His name was Willy and he was a pretty weird dude. He was always feeling up on Metal Ed and asking me if I was urinating normal and stuff. Plus, he listened to fucking country music and wouldn't let me play my Rock Box when he workin with me. One time we were out tryin to move this old stove when he started all lickin my face and stuff. I'm not even kidding, dude. I didn't know what to do. He tried grabbing my ass through my jeans and that's when I had to crack his skull. Metal Ed ain't go no problem with queers or nothin, but I ain't gonna have no old dude grabbin up on my ass. That just ain't gonna happen. I ain't at liberty to talk about what happened after that, since the investigation's still open. What I figure you should do is just let the old dude get his jollys. This ain't like with Metal Ed and Willie, since you chicks ain't got a badass reputation to uphold. As long as he don't try to do you or nothin, I don't see no problem with it. If I was a gym teacher with a bunch of hot high school chicks, I'd probly do it, too. You chicks are asking for it when you wear them short shorts and stuff, anyway. Dude probly just can't help himself.


Send questions for Metal Ed, concerns, thoughts, etc. to [email protected]

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