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WWE Velocity: CRUCIFIED~! Sept. 21, 2002 Edition

By “Crucifixio Jones”


Crucifixio Jones here, scourge of internet messageboards everywhere, idol to millions and currently henpecked husband. TNN claims it’s “Slammin’” Saturday night, but I’m stuck once again babysitting my 18-month-old daughter Charlie The Foul-Mouthed Smark while my wife goes out with her girlfriend, who suspiciously enough looks just like the mailman in drag. My night ain’t so “slammin’” so far, lemme tell ya.


Not to mention, Charlie’s a little pissed at last week’s show and looking at the spoilers for this week’s show (which I never do) she informed me it’d be like last week’s Velocity: The Remix; take away D-Von and Jamie Knoble, put the remaining participants in the ol’ Shake N Bake bag, watch for an hour and see what comes outta the other end…sorta like what the “real” WWE bookers do, except substitute cocktail napkins with random names on them instead of the actual wrestlers.


I decided I’d recap anyway. Charlie on the other hand, while still in my under my ever-watchful eye, opts to flip through an old National Enquirer, interjects when she can and not always with helpful observations. I refill her plastic safety cup with some orange juice and settle in with my pen and pad.


“He did it, you know,” she says as she takes her drink from me. “OJ fucking did it. But at least some good came from it. I saw your old Playboy with that tramp Faye Resnick in it…man, I bet that bitch’s nipples can cut fucking glass!”


That was a long way to go for a joke, even for her, but I just nod and wait for Velocity to start. Then it occurs to me that I need to find a new hiding place for my mags; under the bed is eye-level for a curious tyke like Charlie.


Billy Kidman vs. Tajiri


Kidman’s got some sucky new music and is wearing a pretty hot red and grey outfit. Marc Load and Paul Mitchell Cock/Cole hype Unforgiven as Tajiri makes his way to the ring. Kidman gets a headlock to start and reverses an Tajiri armdrag, huracanrana’ing Tajiri to the outside. Kidman makes the mistake of following him and gets a stiff kick to the left shoulder for his ignorance. Tajiri rolls Kidman back inside and gets a 2-count before stomping the helpless gaijin silly and working the left arm and shoulder some more. I resist the urge to hit the “mute” button on my remote as Cock and Load ramble on about the poor pregnant Sara Taker. As if on cue, Charlie hits the “mute” button for me without even bothering to look up from her Enquirer. “Good girl, “ I say as I pat her on the head.


Kidman elbows out of Tajiri’s armbar and takes him down with a flying snapmare. Kidman whips Tajiri into a corner, but his blind charge gets him kicked in his left shoulder again. Tajiri lunges forward to take advantage and eats a Kidman dropkick…with no chopsticks or soy sauce. Not too tasty, I’d assume. Billy nails a pair of clotheslines and hits an enziguiri for 2. Billy, now the one-armed man, gets cute and goes to the second turnbuckle but catches a buzzsaw-like kick on the way down. That gets Tajiri 2. Tajiri tries a powerbomb on Kidman.


Charlie: …


Kidman gets a 2 count. Kidman tries to pull Tajiri into position for the Shooting Star Press, but he only has ONE GOOD ARM, so Tajiri kicks him in the back of the head. His finisher, the PEARL HARBOR kick misses however as Kidman ducks it and nails Tajiri with the Acid Drop/Dudley Dog. Again, Kidman pulls Tajiri into position for the Shooting Star Press. Kidman goes up top and misses. Tajiri kicks the crap out of Kidman’s left arm. It gets 2. Kidman slips out of a scoop slam, but his DEAD left arm makes it impossible for him to lift Tajiri into the Rydeen Bomb he was attempting. Kidman falls to one knee, holding his arm and grimacing in pain. Tajiri puts him out of his misery with the PEARL HARBOR kick to the gourd to finish it.


Charlie: You’re tellin’ me that the “injured” left arm actually factored into the finish? That’s soooo 1989…”


A trailer for Red Dragon airs during the commercial break and I can’t tell you how much I urge each of you to check out Michael Mann’s (Heat, The Insider) ”Manhunter” first. It’s a lot better than folks give it credit for and likely a superior flick to this Red Dragon garbage.


Charlie: You know, I’m looking at this Starburst commercial and this chick ain’t really impressing me. I mean, on my worst nights I’ve seen chicks tie cherry stems into knots with just their tongues. I’m not even gonna get into those whores in Bangkok and the things they do with cigarettes…or those donkey shows in Tijuana. Unwrapping a little chewy candy in your mouth ain’t shit and kinda pales in comparison, don’tcha think?


The Burger King Slam of the Week is Angle and Benoit tapping out to each other’s submissions. Cock and Load promise it will be THE match that steals the show. Looking at the card for Unforgiven, I find it hard to disagree. Charlie, in particular (the WORLD’s #1 Rey Misterio mark) is super-pissed Rey isn’t wrestling but Molly and Trish are.


Albert vs. Sho Funaki


Funaki’s got the stick again. Didn’t he learn what talking got him last week? Funaki goes the low road and reminds Albert that last week the fans told him to “shave your back.” Funaki then tells Albert that he is one “haiti boory.” I have no idea what that is.


Albert runs through Funaki with a shoulder charge. Albert misses a splash and Funaki dropkicks him in the face. It was made all the easier by the fact that Albert was already on his hands and knees; those teeny japanese. Funaki attempts to cover but the ref can’t register a one-count before Albert launches Funaki through the air as he kicks out. Funaki gets another dropkick to the face and follows that with a bulldog. Albert kills all the noise with a powerslam for 2. Albert “drops dem ‘bows” on Funaki’s back and slaps him into an Albert Recliner but releases it when a “Shave Your Back” chant goes up. Albert hoists Funaki up onto his shoulders and brings him down hard, breaking him in two.


Charlie: WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE’S BROKEN IN HALF!!! Sorry, wrong match.


Funaki for some reason, kicks out at 2. Another “Shave Your Back” chant. Albert punches Funaki down and chokes him with a foot to the throat. Albert with a headbutt. Thought oughta be his finisher, honestly. Albert goes for the Baldo Bomb, but Funaki reverses and tries a Baldo Bomb of his own. Cute. Funaki falls prey to a bearhug but wriggles free, attempting a sunset flip. He can’t get the “moose” over so he shoves Albert face-first into the corner with both of his feet. Albert dazed, stumbles backwards, trips over Funaki and gets schoolboy’d for the upset win. Albert, as usual, destroys Funaki after the match. Funaki is smart enough to keep quiet this time.


Heh. Now I get it: "Haiti Boory" = Hairy Bully.


Charlie: OMG, Vince signed GOLDBERG??? What…wait…that’s BROCK with security? How long will it be before Brock gets the “Shower of Sparks” pyro for his entrance and starts blowing the smoke through his nose?


Lugz Boot of the Week shows us Brock fondling his unborn love child in Sara Taker’s belly. They then recap a bit from Smackdown. Courtesy of the one and only (well, not really the one and only since Pritchard kinda had the name first) Dr. Tom:


Paul E. Dangerously comes in next and informs Steph that he’s hired security for Brock Lesnarberg. Steph uses the latest happenings in the ridiculous pregnancy angle to say that’s a good idea.


Taker (with no bike) makes his way to the ring. He makes sure everyone knows it’s personal before calling Brock out. Here comes Brock, despite the protests of Heyman. Brock finally shoves Heyman down and climbs into the ring. Brock rams UT into the corner, but UT is all like, "No POBO!" (thanks, Kotzen) and answers with a flurry of body blows. Heyman waves for Matt Hardy, who goes right after UT, to disastrous results. Brock and Heyman beat a hasty retreat. Taker follows them backstage, only to be held at bay by the “security police” until Brock and Paul flee in a police car. Taker looks severely frustrated as we fade to black.


Smackdown’s #1 announcer, informs Crash that he’s got to wrestle The Hurricane TONIGHT!


Crash vs. The Hurricane


Call me crazy, but weren’t these two tag team partners in the main event just last week? On the winning team? Loud pop for Helms during his entrance. Maybe this “no shirt” thing is working out for him. The two shake hands to start, lockup and exchange various takedowns and 1-count pinning combinations. Helms with a big arm drag and scoop slam (BAM!). Crash gets up and flees to the outside when he sees Helms readying a Hurri-chokeslam. Helms beats on Crash on the apron until Crash drapes Helms’ throat over the top rope. It gets Crash 2. Crash whips Helms hard into the corner and forearms him in the small of the back. Crash covers and gets 2. A scoop slam by Crash and a cover gets another 2. Crash locks Helms into an abdominal stretch but has to release it when he’s caught using the ropes for leverage. Back in the middle of the ring, Crash re-applies the abdominal stretch. Helms armdrags out of it (WHAM!) and hits a Buff Blockbuster (POW!). Helms whips Crash to the corner and another neckbreaker (BOOM!) gets him 2. Crash blocks a Hurri-suplex, rolls up Helms and puts his feet on the ropes for leverage. He can only get 2. Crash sets up Helms for a superplex, but gets pushed off. HIGH crossbody by Helms (WHOOOOSH!). Helms goes for the Sugar Smack but Crash blocks. Hurri-chokeslam attempt is reversed into a takedown and a lateral press by Crash for a 2-count. Helms slips out of a scoop slam and goes for the Nightmare on Helms Street but Crash slips out and tries another rollup by forcing Helms into the ropes. Helms holds on to the top rope and nails the rising Crash with a Shining Wizard (THWACK!) for the victory.


After the break, Velocity recaps Steph McHelmsley’s sneak attack on Eric Bischoff. Just in case you missed it, JHawk was more than happy to transcribe it for you:


Bischoff: "I don't know how I didn't see it. I'm surrounded by a horde of lesbians. Well, go ahead, ladies, get it on!" And he leads an HLA chant. Or is this about their 15 minutes of fame? "Well, ladies, I don't have 15 minutes. As a matter of fact ladies..." Stephanie McBitch is incognito near the back of the pack, kicks Bisch in the testicles, says "three minutes", and out come Billy and Chuck. They work over Bischoff, but Rosie and Jamal come out for the save. Billy and Chuck get the better of it and hightail it. Where the fuck is the rest of the roster?


Charlie: A horde of lesbians! That Bischoff! That segment might’ve went a little smoother had he been surrounded by a horde of thespians, though.


Shannon Moore vs. Randy Orton


You know, I wonder if Cowboy Bob Orton is still wearing that cast on his arm? If he is, he needs to whack Randy here in the head with it and convince him to work at Chippendales instead of for WWE. Not that I wanna see him go that route, but he’d be better off there instead of disgracing his family’s name and never making it big. If Orton hangs around, he’ll be Velocity 4 Life…2 Sweet. And *I* gotta recap it…see where I’m coming from?


Moore and Orton exchange reversals and takedowns before coming to a rookie standoff.


Charlie: I can’t tell if this sense of déjà vu I’m experiencing is coming from watching last week’s show or just the first 3 matches of THIS show…


Moore gets it going finally by getting an armdrag and hitting Orton with a spinning heel kick. It gets a 2-count and Orton attempts to make a face that says, “Alright, enough…IT’S GO TIME, CHACO!” Orton with Snake Eyes on Moore in the corner. Orton goes up top and nails a pretty crossbody (with some D’Lo “Lo Down” hand motions thrown in for good measure) but Moore rolls through for 2. OK, Orton’s really pissed now as one can clearly see through his Keanu Reeves-like facial expressions. He DECAPITATES Moore with a clothesline. Orton decides to work on Moore’s left arm…


Charlie: At least somebody in the back was watching Tajiri/Kidman…


Moore fights out of Orton’s armbar, nailing some forearms and irish whips Orton to the ropes. Orton comes back with a boot to Moore’s left shoulder. An Orton DDT attempt is blocked by Moore by holding on to the top rope which sends Orton crashing to the mat…alone. Funny stuff. A dropkick and a running neckbreaker get 2 for Moore. Orton reverses another irish whip attempt but Moore is “quicker than a hiccup” and fires off his 2nd turnbuckle moonsault onto Orton for 2. Moore runs the ropes and gets caught in a powerslam for 2. Orton positions Moore on the top turnbuckle but gets pushed off. A corkscrew plancha (called the HALO by Cock & Load) that barely makes contact by Moore follows for a two-count.


Charlie: That “training” with Jeff Hardy is paying off in spades, I tell you.


Out of nowhere, Orton grabs Moore by the left arm, pounds it once, KICK WHAM and gives Moore Elix Skipper’s Overdrive finisher (called the O-Zone by the announcers) for the win.


Charlie: (*looking up from her Enquirer*) It’s just not fair. I play with a hand-me-down “Tickle Me Elmo” and fucking Ashanti is shopping for mansions. Where’s the justice? Oh…it’s over…already?


Yep, folks it’s over. That’s your Velocity recap for this week. Drop me and Charlie a kite here if you wanna do it again next week. In the meantime, all you AOL users beware of the screenname “CharlieTFMS68”…look what I found on my computer last night:


Wanna_Sucker?2705: a/s/l?

CharlieTFMS68: whu?

Wanna_Sucker?2705: age sex location?

CharlieTFMS68: O. 18 /f / MD : )

Wanna_Sucker?2705: ah. horny?

CharlieTFMS68: whu do u mean?

Wanna_Sucker?2705: are you horny?

CharlieTFMS68: never heard that word b4

Wanna_Sucker2705: do you masturbatre?

CharlieTFMS68: if I’ve never heard the word “horny” b4, what makes you think I know what “masurbatre” means? Besides, I’m 18 MONTHS old, not YEARS, you perv!


This girl is a handful, lemme tell ya. And she's got a special request. Last week I caught her up at 3am watching Skinemax; a flick called Sinful Temptations. Please drop Charlie an email if anyone can find any galleries of the star, Mia. She'd greatly appreciate it. Bad parenting you say? I say: "you can't protect'em forever."



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