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ECW Barely Legal

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Guest TSMAdmin

ECW Barely Legal

 

Short intro this week because I'm a little pressed for time.

 

Raw vs. SmackDown!- For the first time in ages I can actually say that SmackDown was better than Raw. And Raw wasn't half-bad, so that is saying a lot. The match of the week was easily Angle-Cena. Cena definitely has what it takes to be a major player. Brock Lesnar on the other hand isn't quite ready for the push he is getting. If the WWE were smart Batista would be getting the monster push because at least he doesn't have a babyface. Brock just doesn't look intimidating.

 

Joey Styles welcomes us to the FIRST EVER ECW PPV!! The Dudley Boys and Joel Gertner come out to crash the party. D-Von testifies.

 

*Cue ECW Pioneer Home Video Theme Song*

 

Back in the ring, Joel Gertner introduces the Dudley Boys for the upcoming match...

 

ECW Tag-Team Titles: The Dudley Boys w/Joel Gertner & Sign Guy Dudley vs. The Eliminators

Sign Guy jumps the Eliminators from behind, but he is quickly put away with Total Elimination. The Dudley Boyz attack. Bubba gets Kronus with a MOTHERFUCKING BUBBA BOMB, followed up with D-Von's falling headbutt for 2. Bubba with a tilt-a-whirl slam on Saturn for 2. Bubba picks Saturn up for a vertical suplex and D-Von crossbodys him off the top for 2. Saturn comesback with some clotheslines, but Bubba catches him with a swinging neckbreaker. Saturn breaks up a 3-D on Kronus. Eliminators hit the Dudleys with some doubleteam stuff. Stereo slams and sentons off the top. The Duds roll out to the floor. Kronus helps Saturn moonsault over the top to the Dudleys. Kronus follows out with a Space Flying Tiger Drop! In the ring, Saturn hits D-Von with a springboard spinkick. Meanwhile, Kronus gets Bubba with a handspring elbow. Saturn with an elbowdrop off the top to Bubba. Saturn is on fire tonight as nails Bubba with an Asai Moonsault. Kronus flies off the top with a 450 splash on D-Von. D-Von rolls to the floor, giving the Eliminators the chance to TOTALLY ELIMINATE Bubba for the titles. (6:31) **1/2 After the match, Joel Gertner is also Totally Eliminated. The match it self was NON-STOP action. It never became an actual "tag-team" match. Good way to kick off the debut PPV.

 

Chris Candido, in a sling, comes down to the ring. He was supposed to fight Lance Storm, but he tore his bicep. He seems to be pissed off that one year ago he won the WWF Tag-Team Titles at WrestleMania and now he is supposed to be fighting Lance Storm. Chris disses the Sandman, Stevie Richards, and Terry Funk. In the end, he is mad that Paul E. didn't ask him to be part of the main event.

 

Rob Van Dam vs. Lance Storm

It's very strange to watch an RVD match where he isn't over. Storm was sporting a retarded blond ponytail thing coming out of his black crewcut. Must be a Canadian style. Quick sequence to start the match. RVD with some kicks and a springboard crossbody for 2. Storm is pushed out of the ring for a somersault plancha from RVD. Back in, RVD flies off the top with a legdrop for 2. Storm comesback with a backelbow off the second rope. Storm drops RVD across the top rope and dropkicks him to the floor. Storm gets RVD with a pescado. RVD hits a moonsault off the guardrail. RVD rolls Storm back in and brings a chair into the ring. RVD throws the chair in the face of a charging Storm. RVD dropkicks the chair into Storm's face. RVD comes off the top with a MONSTEROUS FROG SPLASH for 2. He didn't have the same grace in 1997, but he had to be at least 12 feet up in the air. Once again, RVD throws the chair at Storm. Storm retaliates with a powerslam on the chair and a cartwheel splash in the corner. Flying elbow off the top for 2. Storm applies a Boston Crab, into a single leg, but RVD makes the ropes. RVD mounts some offense with a slingshot guillotine legdrop. Storm ducks a Van Daminator. Lance hits him with an ULTRA-LAME chairshot. Storm gets 2 off a tiger bomb on the chair. While RVD is trying to get up, Storm scissors kicks him off the top onto the chair. RVD scores with a low blow. RVD crotches him on the top rope and messes up a slingshot back elbow for 2. Thankfully the Mutants are there to remind us that he "FUCKED UP!" Storm catches RVD with a bridged german suplex for 2. Storm with two more pathetic chair shots and the crowd voices their disapproval. RVD hits him with the Van Daminator and a standing moonsault for the win. (10:08) **3/4 Storm offers a handshake, but Van Dam doesn't want his respect or anybody else’s. He pissed that he was used as a replacement for Candido. RVD believes he sold-out to himself when he wrestled this match. Lance has actually brought up the infamous chair shots stating that he just isn't comfortable hitting another man over the head with a steel chair. I guess there still are some people who actually give a damn about the safety of others.

 

Gran Hamada, The Great Sasuke & Masato Yakushiji vs. Terry Boy, Dick Togo & TAKA Michinoku

Paul E. was able to strike a deal with Michinoku Pro, which explains why this match on the PPV. Heyman has also had a working relationship with the FMW. Terry Boy is AKA Men’s Teioh and his team is collectively Kaientai (KDX). Hamada is 45 years old at this point and still was able to pull out some unbelievable highspots, so more power to him. Masato Yakushiji is taking the place of the absent Gran Naniwa. The PBP for this one was a bitch considering the only puro I have ever seen was FMW. Hamada and TAKA start the match. Hamada catches him with some armdrags and tags Yakushiji. Hamada holds TAKA's head in place for Masato to stomp off the top rope. Masato with a legdrop for 2. Sasuke starts and hits some kicks. TAKA blocks one and suplexes him. Teioh tags in and KDX tripleteam Sasuke. TAKA catches Sasuke with a spinebuster. Togo and Teioh do the camel clutch/dropkick spot. Togo is in and hits a BIG senton for 2 as Yakushiji saves. TAKA tags and chops Yakushiji. Teioh tags and has Masato in a hanging vertical suplex for 9 seconds, which gets 2. Togo tags, but Masato gets him with a rana and a tilt-a-whirl armdrag. TAKA comes in and is also caught with a tilt-a-whirl armdrag. Hamada and Teioh trade SUPER STIFF chops. Hamada hits him with a devastating headbutt. Hamada gets Teioh with an armbar takedown. Teioh holds Hamada for TAKA, but Hamada ends up catching him with the armbar takedown as well. Hamada with a belly-to-back on TAKA and Sasuke tags. Sasuke applies a headlock. Teioh breaks the hold puts on a CRAZY sequence ending in a Sasuke crossbody for 2. Yakushiji comes in and dropkicks Teioh to the floor. Masato connects with a baseball slide into a flying head scissors takedown. In the ring, Togo with a dropkick to Hamada's head. Hamada gets 2 off a rana as TAKA breaks up the pin. Hamada counters a TAKA suplex with a small package for 2. All three faces chop TAKA. Sasuke applies a single leg boston crab, but TAKA wriggles out and hits him with an enziguri. Yakushiji comes in and is quickly disposed of by Togo. Togo tags in. Teioh and Togo hit Sasuke with double bulldog. Teioh and Togo hold Sasuke on his head (!) for a TAKA dropkick. KDX pose on Sasuke. Togo gets him with a delayed vertical suplex for 2. Teioh comes in and applies the Funk Spinning Toeholds, but Sasuke kicks him. Teioh catches him with a WICKED spinning DDT. TAKA tags and Yakushiji comes in. TAKA gets him with a DEVASTATING brainbuster for 2. Teioh tags in and hits him with a BIG BOOT~!. Teioh slingshots Yakushiji into a Togo clothesline and a TAKA knee off the top for 2. Togo comes off the top with a somersault. Teioh catches him with a belly-to-back for 2 as Hamada makes the save. TAKA with a backbody on Hamada. KDX get Yakushiji with a tripleteam powerbomb for 2, this time Sasuke saves. KDX tries the same move with Sasuke, but they blow it. They go for it again, but Sasuke reverses it into a rana for 2. Sasuke catches both TAKA and Teioh with an Asai moonsault for 2. Sasuke also gets Togo, who is on the floor, with an Asai moonsault and ends up in the front row. Hamada and Teioh square off in the ring. Teioh hits an inverted atomic drop off the top for 2 and Hamada rolls to the floor. TAKA flies on to Hamada with a plancha. Yakushiji comes in. Teioh with a snap suplex, double stomp, and moonsault off the second rope for 2. Teioh continues the onslaught with a swinging DDT and a MIRACLE ECSTASY BOMB, but Hamada makes the save. Togo is in now and powerslams Hamada. Hamada gets him with a swinging DDT off the second rope. Togo comesback with a powerbomb for 2. Sasuke ranas Togo off the top. Sasuke hits Teioh with a chair on the floor. Yakushiji is back and flies off the top, catching Togo with a rana. Togo to the floor. Yakushiji hits everyone with a suicide dive. Back in, TAKA uses a belly-to-belly overhead suplex on Sasuke. TAKA with a missile dropkick and MICHINOKU DRIVER for 2 as Yakushiji saves. TAKA comes off the top, but is nailed by a Sasuke dropkick. Sasuke gets 2 off an Asai moonsault. Sasuke with a powerbomb and tiger suplex for the pin. (16:55) ****1/2 I can't rate the match any higher because of the lack of tags. Basically the wrestlers would just run in whenever they felt like it, thus ruining the flow of the match. That is my only real gripe with this tremendous match.

 

ECW World TV Title: Shane Douglas w/Francine & Riot Squad vs. Pitbull #2

This match is most well known for being horrible, but it does have a good storyline going into it and a surprise ending. About a year earlier, Shane Douglas broke Pitbull #1's neck and has re-injured it since then. For the past few months this masked man, who would gyrate like Rick Rude, was stalking Shane Douglas. At this time Shane was a part of Triple Threat, which also included Brian Lee and Chris Candido. That is pretty much the extent of my knowledge as pertains to this storyline. Shane has the Riot Squad with him because he was the most hated man in ECW and needed them to ensure his safety. Pitbull #1 is sitting in the front row for this match. Clips of the feud are shown. #2 storms the ring and punches Shane for a while. Shane slows him down with a low blow and a headlock. #2 escapes into a side-headlock. Shane punches his way out. #2 with a drop toehold into a front-facelock. Shane escapes with some shoulders and puts on his own headlock. #2 crotches Shane on the top rope and they fuck up something. #2 gets Shane with an inverted atomic drop for 2 followed by a clothesline for 2. Shane counters a powerbomb with a rana. #2 goes for another powerbomb, but Shane ranas him again; this time to the floor. Back in, Shane connects with three piledrivers. Shane with a kick to the back of the head, sending him to the floor. Shane suplexes him back in and applies a camel clutch. #2 escapes with some elbows and throws Shane into the corner. #2 with another inverted atomic drop and clothesline. Shane flies off the second rope with a crossbody, but is caught and put through the timekeeper’s table. Shane is whipped to the rail. #1 jumps the guardrail and attacks Douglas. The riot squad gets rid of #1. #2 takes a piece of the guard rail and throws it in the ring. Shane tires to crotch him on the rail, but it falls over. #2 is sent to the floor where the rail is dropped on him. Outside the ring, the "crotch spot" is a success. Shane hits #2 with a chair to the back. Back in, #2 HULKS UP. Shane puts an end to that with a kneelift. Shane flies off the top, but is caught. #2 goes for a superplex. Shane pushes him off. Shane comes off the top, but #2 dropkicks him on the way down. THIS MATCH SUCKS!! OK, double clothesline spot. #2 scores with a powerslam for 2. #2 gets some more near falls and military press slams Shane. Francine gives Shane brass knux. Shane nails #2 for 2. He breaks a table over #2's head, but still only 2. Shane uses a chair, the bell and the table again for 2. Shane goes for his trusty chain, but is caught in a pump-handle slam for 2. #2 gains control of the chain and hits Shane with it. Candido runs in and is also hit with the chain. Keep in the mind, the chain looks like a fucking necklace. Shane FINALLY wins it with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. (20:41) * Rick Rude's voice is heard over the PA. He agrees to take off the mask, as per the stipulation if Shane won, as long as he gets Francine. The masked man, who is very out of shape, comes down and lays one on Francine. FRANCINE LIKED IT, SHE REALLY LIKED IT. What the fuck is this? A Life cereal commercial? The masked man gyrates, giving Shane the chance to pearl harbor him. A member of the riot squad reveals himself to be Rick Rude, leaving the masked man to be.... Brian Lee. Rude and Lee beat the hell out of Douglas and shake hands. This storyline went nowhere because Rude ended up joining DX and Lee met with up with a group of bikers AKA DOA.

 

Taz w/Bill Alfonso vs. Sabu

This feud started almost two years prior at November To Remember 1995. Taz had just returned from an injury and wasn't cleared to wrestle, so he was a special referee for a Jason vs. Konnan match. Later that night Tod Gordon took on Bill Alfonso. The referee, Beulah McGillicutty, was knocked out. Taz ran in to take her place. It ends up Taz was on Alfonso's side all along and helped Fonzie defeat "the mole". After the match Taz tears the fans and Paul E. apart. Sabu also returned to ECW after a dismal run in WCW that night. All of that led to this match. The match starts with a staredown. Some slaps and punches result. Taz clotheslines Sabu to the floor and stomps him on his way back in. Sabu blocks the Tazmission early on. Taz applies an anklelock. Sabu escapes, but ends up in a body scissors. Taz dismantles him with some UFC-style crossfaces. Sabu looks to have a broken nose after that. Sabu takes a breather and dropkicks Taz's knees. Sabu with a slingshot kick to Taz's head. Now Taz needs a break. Sabu connects with a baseball slide. Taz ends up in the front row. Sabu launches off a chair and flies on to Taz. They fight in the crowd. Taz is sent to the rail. Sabu dives off the chair, but lands ribs first on the rail. Taz clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, Taz with a droptoe and a STF. Both men on their knees have a slugfest. Taz uses a body scissors/armbar combo. Sabu makes the ropes and hits an enziguri. Sabu with a springboard somersault legdrop. Taz gets a chair thrown at him. Sabu uses the chair for Poetry in Motion. He tires again and misses. Taz drops Sabu face first on the chair for 2. Taz hits him with a stiff clothesline for 2 followed by a spinebuster. Sabu uses leverage to send Taz to the floor. Sabu jumps off the chair, bounces on the top rope, and misses Taz. Taz belly-to-belly’s Sabu into the front row. Meanwhile, Bill Alfonso set up a table at ringside. Sabu goes for a swinging DDT on the table, but Taz holds the ropes sending Sabu through the table. Alfonso taunts Sabu a bit. Taz goes out and a chopfest results. Taz seems to of hurt his shoulder somewhere. They do nothing for a while. Sabu hits a rana off the top and a legdrop off the top. He got pretty high up, but not as high as RVD earlier. Taz applies the Million Dollar Dream into a suplex. Taz hits another suplex, but Sabu comesback with a T-bone. Sabu puts on a Tazmission! Taz reverses into a belly-to-back. T-bone and a Tazmission puts Sabu away. (17:41) *** Here comes the important part of this match...Taz offers Sabu a handshake, he accepts. Sabu raises Taz's hand and they hug. RVD, Sabu's partner, runs out and jumps Taz. Sabu questions RVD, giving Taz the chance to apply the Tazmission. Sabu makes the save and they doubleteam Taz. They take him apart with a chair. Sabu fucks up a table spot. They try again and Taz goes through the table. Sabu puts him in a Tazmission on the floor. Fonzie gets in the ring to defend his friend, but tears off his Taz shirt revealing a SABU shirt. It's a TRIPLE-TURN! Fonzie had money riding on Sabu, so he gets a few shots in on Taz as well. RVD considers himself a PPV Superstar now and is looking forward to working more Monday nights.

 

Three Way Dance- Number One Contenders Match: Big Stevie Cool w/Blue World Order vs. Terry Funk vs. The Sandman

Tommy Dreamer joins Joey for color commentary. The interesting thing about this match is that all three competitors want to fight Raven not only because he is the champion, but also because they all have personal vendettas with him. Tommy Dreamer was scheduled to be a part of this match, but he gave his spot to his mentor Terry Funk. The match starts with a three-way chopfest. Stevie school boys Funk for 2. Terry goes for the Funk Spinning Toehold, but Stevie kicks out of it. Stevie and the Sandman elbowdrop Terry. Sandman picks up Richards and drops him for a legdrop on Terry for 2. The Sandman doublecrosses Stevie and gets him with a belly-to-back suplex. The Sandman goes backstage. Meanwhile Terry delivers FOUR hangman neckbreakers to Stevie for 2. Sandman comesback with a ladder and throws it on Funk. Sandman drops the ladder on Stevie. Terry takes a shot from the ladder to the head for 2. Sandman DDT’s Stevie and both he and Funk climb the ladder. They trade punches. Funk COMPLETELY MISSES a moonsault, but Stevie sells it anyway. Still the guy deserves some credit for actually trying. Sandman drops the ladder from the top on to Stevie. The Sandman punches Funk, who falls on the ladder. Sandman slams Richards on to Funk and the ladder for 2. Richards Steviekicks the ladder into the Sandman's face for 2. Funk nails Stevie with a headbutt for 2. The Sandman gets whipped upside down into the ladder for 2. Doubleteam on Funk for 2. Stevie and the Sandman climb the ladder, but Funk knocks it over; crotching both of them in the process. Funk puts the ladder on his head and airplane spins it into everyone. Funk gets stuck in the ladder for a few seconds. Terry sends the Sandman face first into the ladder. The Sandman retaliates with the same. Stevie comes off the top and see-saws the ladder into both of his opponents. And to think Jeff Hardy has been taking credit for that spot for 3 years now. Steviekick on the Sandman for a VERY long 2. Steviekick on Funk for 2. The Sandman sends Stevie to the floor and drops the ladder on him. Stevie ends up in the front row. Sandman hits a running pescado to see-saw the ladder into Stevie. Funk chairs both of them. The Sandman leaves again. Funk gets Stevie with a hanging vertical suplex for 2. The Sandman returns with a garbage can wrapped in a piece of scrap metal. How convenient...Sandman throws the trashcan at Terry's head. Stevie also gets hit with the trashcan. The Sandman suplexes Stevie on to it; Funk covers for 2. LAME spike piledriver on Stevie for 2. Sandman hits Stevie with a slingshot legdrop for 2. The Sandman kind of see-saws the ladder into Stevie, but the ladder flies out of the ring and almost decapitates the front row. Funk drops a chair on the Sandman and covers Stevie for 2. Double powerbomb on Stevie, both cover for pin. The bWo contingent is now out of this match. Funk shakes the Sandman's hand, but gets nailed. Funk dumps the Sandman over the top. The Sandman pulls a piece of barbed wire out from under the ring. Funk nails the Sandman with that piece of scrap metal. Funk whips the Sandman's bare back with the barbed wire. The Sandman wraps himself in the barbed wire, as usual. He charges Funk and legdrops him off the top for 2. Stevie jumps up on the apron, but the Sandman charges him as well. Funk puts the trashcan on the Sandman. Stevie hits him with the Steviekick. Funk with a moonsault for the pin. (19:11) *1/2 FINALLY, but the worst has yet to come...

 

ECW Title: Raven vs. Terry Funk

Raven wastes no time getting in the ring. He hits Funk with the belt and droptoes him on to the chair. Funk looks like he cut into an artery or something because there is a TON of blood. It is just gushing out of his face. The medic comes in, but Funk insists on continuing. Raven sets up a table on the floor and drops it on Funk. He sets up another table. Raven lays Funk and the table and puts him through it with a running pescado. The medic is back, so Raven hits him and signals for Raven's Nest. Reggie Bennett (butch AJPW woman) charges the ring and nails Funk with a powerbomb/piledrvier thing. Raven gets a mic and says that there are three tables set up underneath the area Tommy Dreamer is sitting. Big Dick Dudley (RIP) pearl harbors Dreamer. Meanwhile Raven DDT's John Finnegan. Dudley tries to chokeslam Tommy through the tables, but Tommy pushes HIM through the tables instead. Tommy heads down to the ring. He DDT's Raven, Funk covers but only gets 2. I think that was supposed to be the finish because the bell rings and everything. Funk wins it with a small package. (7:20) DUD

 

THIS IS IT

This show is very much like a WCW PPV for all the obvious reasons. Recommended for some great wrestling in the first half and the good Taz-Sabu match. Plus there is a lot of historical significance surrounding this show. I bought it for $15 and it is well worth that price.

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Coming Up Next: Two Confidentials this week. The WWE is airing the pilot episode and a new episode before Diva's Undressed. I never reviewed the first episode, so who knows, if I'm feeling ambitious Sunday morning you might get a double whammy of Confidential. Next Friday I'll have an updated version of my Best of the WWF Vol. 1 review, which I’m sure all of three of my hardcore fans have already read last year when I wrote it. I might do Vol. 2 somewhere down the line, but I will definitely get to Vol. 3 because I heard it was pretty good.

 

Retro Rob

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